Do you need approval?

[Kate Simmons]

Many times folks on here will say or infer that they seek approval by their SO, family or others for their dressing. I'm wondering how many feel they need this to feel comfortable? Many years ago I had the crazy idea that I would like to "come out" to my family in general and have their approval. As time went on, however, I realized that this was kind of a pipe dream. They had certain expectations of me as a man and it seemed that my future was "cast in stone" in that respect.

I went the normal route, got married , raised a family. Even so I was still my real self inside and kept it under wraps. Eventually when my children grew and flew I set out to find my real self despite the risk of losing my marriage. The result is who I am today, less spouse. Sometimes we have to make a choice, sometimes it's made for us. Either way expecting to gain approval of who we are and what we do by others may be a wasted effort, Nowadays I could care less if I have the "approval" of others as I have to be myself. How do you fare in this respect?

[kimdl93]

I'd prefer to have my wife's approval, and I would not willing to risk our marriage by acting without it. I'm fortunate that she has generally, with a few exceptions, been quite accommodating of me and I try to be the same for her.

[Jaylyn]

I have always been a closet dresser or a very well hidden one. I married young knowing what I enjoy but my male side always took prominence and I followed it. My knew and accepted my quirk as she says but if knew the kids needed a daddy not two moms so I stayed hidden (except the few rare times I had by myself). I like you knew I had family responsibilities, and chose to fulfill all those, I loved my wife and she has been my soul mate thru raising a large family. I still though am happy that since I have retired, and the kids all married and moved away, I have a little more dress time. I still do respect my wife and feel my duties are not over to her yet. I have accepted this as she has me and at my age we will remain together till death. Dressing to me is not about being me it's just fulfilling a void that seems to pop up from time to time. I enjoy my male time and my dress time. I still know it would shock the kids but they would accept me, but I really want and am satisfied with what I have. I've worked hard to be able to enjoy my male hobbies and still be Jaylyn when I want.

[Teresa]

Kate even if we weren't Cders the expectations from others still wear thin, continually having to be the person in their box not needing any other life. I would prefer not to lose the family now especially with grandchildren but with the need still to CD, finding the balance is as difficult now as it ever was and a dam sight more tiring. Who knows if it still goes pear shaped the decision may be made for me !

[noeleena]

Hi,

Depends on how you see acceptance and wether or not you expect it or you never receive that,

Was i one of lads or girls, not really i was more a loner and keeped to my self much of the time though i did interact with others at a cost of having no self worth ,self esteem or thought i was good enough and did not like how i looked plus i had a lot more detail and insercuritys , an abused and broken home needing to flee to remain alive,

Did i seek approval from others would not have know the meaning of that so no, and approval for what being myself doubt it and where would i any way ,........ My Mother only ..........

As it was when i did things or striped down bike s or built sheds or what ever i was told you cant do that , oh yea says who , so pig headed i went on and did it , as a young kid of 11 to 15 yes one smart kid , i just worked things out and went for it,

i did not need others approval and i did not and would not ask for it, yes i was thick as and dumb picked on and just took it all and walked away and ran when i needed to , school's ....

Funny thing is others around you dont like it when you do the job and see it through , quess who comes to later in life and asks can you help please , different story then , oh well life .

i know most people grow up and you are trained and you crack the whip you get approval , well maybe they dont treat you as dumb or thick then , so it not allways by talk its by doing ,

my self over the years its not what i wear its about who i am as a person my approval is more of acceptance because i have shown is real and not a put on ,

you can be a bit different and from what iv seen take years for as i said for some to grow up and see beyound how they school years , that theres more to who a person really is and life helps there as well.

Thats one reason i would never wont to go back to those days when young , because i have acceptance and no doubt the approval of others and that has been bestowed on my self from many people , and even going through so much the last 20 years,

So for my self its really been such a fantastic neat trip of my life, and it involved so many along the way ,so approval just took many years to receive it,

...noeleena...

[Krisi]

Without my wife's approval or at least acceptance, I would stop doing this or at least go back to hiding it. My wife's love is more important to me than crossdressing.

Part of her acceptance is that it's kept secret from the neighbors, family, etc. so there's no worry about anyone else's approval.

I don't believe the general public will be approving crossdressers any time soon.

[Marcelle]

Hi Kate,

Very interesting question. Do I need approval for dressing from others to feel comfortable?:thinking:

When it comes to my wife it is not so much approval but acceptance. I have come to learn that Isha is an integral part of my personality (that includes dressing). So my wife's acceptance of Isha (dressed) is important in our relationship to the point we have an agreement that if it gets too much for her (she can longer accept) then I am prepared to walk away. It would not be because I don't love her but because I know Isha is permanent and I don't want to end up lying to her.

When it comes to friends and family approval is not required but I have told them so they can process and those who have met Isha (most have) accept that part. If a friend does not approve then they are free to go their own way but I won't change for them.

When it comes to work (many know) again it I not approval I seek. If they don't like it ... no biggie.

Hugs

Isha

[Lynn Marie]

Being happily unattached, with my daughter in Hawaii, and only a few folks around that I need to maintain a male persona for, I'm pretty much free to do as I like! This isn't something I engineered just so I could CD, it was simply how things worked out. I'm perfectly happy living alone and I have a wonderful bunch of CD girlfriends plus a gg girlfriend who I first met while dressed to boot. At this stage in my life my daughter doesn't need to know and my non CD friends don't need to know either. Why stir the pot?

[EllenJo]

I am one of the lucky ones that have my wife's approval. She is the only one that I care to know about Ellen Jo. I love her very much, the kids are grown and she has no problem with me dressing as I choose around the house. Since I do not have the desire or ability to pass in public, going out is not an issue. I am her man no matter what and she is my woman. Ellen Jo is just me in a skirt, I am still the same caring person that will love her until death.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[natcrys]

In principle, it's very simple.. I am someone and I am doing something that doesn't hurt anyone. And I live in a free country, so I don't need anyone's approval. That is my basic mindset when it comes to crossdressing.

Of course, life is never simple and usally just a straight-up b***h! So, while I still feel I don't need anyone's approval, I was very glad that my siblings and a dozen of my closest friends couldn't care less (to be interpreted in the most positive way ;) ) and that they supported me a 100%, everyone in their own way. Why? Very simple.. I didn't want to lose my friends, even if I was completely prepared to lose them if they hadn't accepted me as I am.

I also feel I don't need my parents' approval. Heck.. my mom still complains about my long hair every time I see her! :p

However, I know that at this point in time, coming out to them would shock my parents so much.. and would cause my mom to worry so much (worries about me.. worries about what the extended family might think), that I choose to wait with coming out fully.

I can do pretty much all I want right now as Tassia.. apart from going to work. For now, that's enough.

[samantha rogers]

I would echo exactly what Isha said. I am who I am and I cannot deny or lock away a portion of that. My God, I did that already for way too many years and it caused all manner of problems and anxieties. Never again.
Honesty about myself and the permanance of who I am is intrinsically related to the honesty that keeps my marriage alive.
I was at one time terrified of losing her. The day I realized losing myself was worse was a turning point. When I realized that if she could not accept and support the real me I would have to let her go, and that, as much as I hated the idea, that I would be ok, that was the day, ironically, that things began to improve.

[Tracii G]

I don't seek any approval just acceptance.

[mariehart]

For me it's not so much approval as being able to wake up in the morning, put on dress or skirt or trousers and a little make up and not have to think about it or have anyone remark about it either. The same as when I get up in the morning and put on men's clothes.

Simple as that. I don't want to be self conscious about it or worry about other people's reactions. Of course that's in an ideal world. In the real world that's rarely possible.

So approval well yes. But mainly I'd like it to be a complete non issue. Such that when my wife comes in the door and sees me dressed in a skirt and top her reaction would be the same if she saw me in a shirt and trousers. Not only that I would like to be completely unselfconscious about it.

[Bria]

I agree with Kim on this issue.

Hugs, Bria

[Dianne S]

I like approval, but it's not essential. However, I do present as female on occasion to my wife, kids, mother and sibling, so naturally I seek their acceptance.

[willow-the-wisp]

I don't seek any approval just acceptance.

This sums up my feelings on the subject
as it is a solo show for my own approval.
all that I really want is the acceptance of my S.O.

[Kylee-Blackstad]

In my experience the very loving and accepting people around me make it so much easier to do this and integrate it into facets of my life. Having CD friends also very much so. Just having these supports systems around makes things like "coming out" or telling my folks seem rather inconsequential to me.

I've made it my maxim in life though to love and accept myself regardless if no one will, but sure as hell wouldn't be as easy at that point if that makes any sense.

[LelaK]

If I ever get an SO (please), she'll accept my dressing, or she won't be my SO.

[im-sparkles]

i need to be told Im beautiful. maybe not a beautiful woman(that would be nice) but a man that looks liike a beautiful woman . i don't need approval i just want to look pretty.

[im-sparkles]

:daydreaming:well said lelak ! btw i love your dress!!

[donnalee]

I think the question may be closer to "Do you approve of yourself, or at least accept yourself?". Approval of others has never been a big factor in my decisions, as I found early on that it wasn't of major importance; when I stuck to my own assessments of a situation I was overwhelmingly successful, but if I listened to others' advice, it was guaranteed to blow up in my face. "If you can keep your head while all those about you are losing theirs, you likely have no understanding of the actual situation" I was incredibly lucky to find my SO, who felt the same way because of her own experiences, early on and later. It took a long time to learn to trust each other; when we knew, it was something we never lost for the rest of our lives together.
Attempts at socialization were unreliable; I found that trusting others was pretty certain to be disastrous sooner or later and I learned to limit trust to what had been shown previously and to limit even that.

[Krisi]

From birth we seek the approval of others and anyone who claims otherwise is fooling him/herself. Anyone who claims not to care what others think is going to live a sad and lonely life. We may pretend we don't care but deep down inside we do.

[Joy3]

Well said Krisi, I cannot agree more!

[MsVal]

As one that came late to the party, and having an accepting and marginally supporting wife, I can say that the biggest challenge is getting approval from ME. When (not if) that happens, I probably won't need any further approval, though I would certainly find it validating and satisfying.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Tinasworld2]

Good question. It's easy to say we don't need approval of family etc. but for me approval of my SO is something I feel I need. It's easy to say we don't but when we want both parts of our life to coexist. As I do you seek at least a partner and understanding.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't need approval for who I am, but it would be nice to have it. After all, I've been living without it all my life. Oh well. I'd like to win the lottery, too, but I don't need that either.

[Ashley Wray]

I would like my family to know and accept it cause I still have to hide it as they live close and are always popping in. But I think it would change to much and I'm not ready to take a chance on it. I know they would still love me and not disown me but it can change things in a less desireable way, that the outcome I would like and what I get maybe two worlds apart. For now not willing to take that chance.

[Christen]

I guess I do feel like I need approval, at least there's no way anyone is seeing me dressed unless I feel like I have their approval. Case in point, I've dressed pretty much all my life, but never in front of anyone (unexpected entrances excluded), except when mucking about with friends at a couple of dinner parties. I ended up one night in a long gown, pearls, fur coat and a rather silly wig. Because it was one of those crazy nights and everyone was having fun, doing silly things, it was OK. I had approval. But without it, I'm just a private operator.

Christen x

[Nadya]

I don't know where I'd be without the support I have from my fiancé. As long as I have the approval or support of the person closest to me, I feel that is all I need. I wish I could said I don't care what my close family thinks of it but I would be lying. I don't think it's worth the consequences of telling other family as I only see them once a year as it is. Everyone is different but having support can be very important.

[Katey888]

Do I need approval? No

Do I seek approval? No

Would I like approval? Probably - but then something that's presently done in private matters to no-one else...

Is the need to seek approval based on conditioning over decades? You bet!

Especially for something the muggle world sees as weird... we want somebody else to say 'It's OK to do this.. however weird..'

I suspect it's why so many ultimately come out to their SOs - they should be their closest and most intimate allies, but I guess conditioning often gets the better of them too... :(

Katey x

[Kate Simmons]

I'm guessing it's the "conditioning" or brain washing we all receive from birth onward that gets in the way of being who we want to be for the most part. ;):)

[xoMindyxo]

As I have no SO or kids, I do have family though. My oldest brother is indifferent about it. My niece and nephews are tolerant of it. And my sister, who I get along with great and is almost like my best friend, also knows. But she doesn't want to see it. She just isn't ready yet. But, a milestone was made between the two of us a couple of weeks ago, when she just came out and said "Why don't you just come clean about who you are ? Why hide it ?" My closest circle of friends are also aware of me and I have hung out with them dolled up.

I will continue to keep my activities in my area on the down low, mainly because it is a podunk area where everyone knows each other. And there are a lot of narrow minded people here. While it be great to just do anything and go anywhere whatever I look like, I know that's not the reality of it in my town. And I also keep it low key, out of protection for my family and friends. The hate mongers around here won't confront me, they'll go straight to them and interrogate them about me to get information like the cowards they are. But my loved ones always have my back, and then tell me. Trust me, I'm not afraid to confront these fools. It's awesome to see their reactions, like a deer caught in headlights. I have no problems standing up for myself.

But I care and love those closest to me to protect them. Sure I don't care what others think of me, but I love my family and close friends enough to keep them from harm and that is more important than my own desires sometimes.

But for approval, nah, I don't need it. If I want to dress up, I will.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kate I can live without it , But a pat on the back always feels great.

[miss_jessie]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm seeking approval. I so desperately want to tell one of my friends, but I think deep down it is just so I know someone saw me dressed and acknowledged me...

[Beverley Sims]

I still like to have agreement with my wife but she still has some reservations that stifle some if my activities a little.

[CynthiaD]

I have grown beyond the need for approval from others. I still have thoughts of outing myself to my siblings, but I may not. I was always the macho-man of the family, being a jock, working on construction, serving in the military. I'd really like to see their reaction. Especially since I'm very conservative, politically, and they're all liberals. It would be fun to see just how liberal they really are.

[Samantha_Smile]

Approval is nice. It's not the be all and end all.
However, if I can get a compliment on my make up and outfit, then I feel good.
But if I don't get it, at least I'm happy

[Brandie.n]

i dont need approval but i do like the attention