samantha rogers
07-30-2014, 11:37 AM
It has been a heck of a week, as a few of you may know from private messages. A big storm knocked out our power Sunday night and we only got it back late last night. In the meantime, a tragedy struck our family. My wife's stepfather has been having serious medical problems recently and took a turn for the worse this week. He passed away at his home last night surrounded by a family that adored him beyond measure. He was one of the kindest, most down to Earth and warm hearted men I have ever met and I loved him as though he were both my friend as well as my own parent, because that was exactly how he always treated me. I shall miss him.
But this is actually about my wife and I.
Today is our wedding anniversary. 24 years.
If you do not remember (lol...and why would you...haha) I came out to her as TG last January, and let her know it was something I had struggled with my entire life and that I had hidden my dressing from her and everyone else for years. I also revealed I was beginning with a gender therapist, and had begun HRT. Yes, all of this should have been shared and discussed years before. Mea culpa. I am human, and still working through many years of misplaced and unhealthy layers of accumulated coping mechanisms. But I am trying. I told her as soon as I could. This is, none of it, easy.
It was very hard for her to hear. She was shocked, hurt, angry...you name it. And understandably so. She felt betrayed, repulsed, and was angry at herself for not having seen any signs. I was sure she would leave me and I was terrified.
My wife is by nature liberal and with a background in theatre she has many gay friends and has no issues at all with tolerance and understanding. But it is different when it is your own husband. And then there was the issue of the deceit.
Our marriage has had other issues as well not necessary to address here. Neither of us has been truly happy for awhile now.
And yet there is a strong love, a good friendship, a lifetime of shared experience, and the responsibilities of two children and the financial security of shared incomes.
It was touch and go for a long time and a real roller coaster emotionally for us both.
Throughout it all, I did everything I could to be totally honest, to behave as the person she had always loved, to remain constant in my desire to make things work (thank God and all of you for the advice on these boards and from the many caring friends who have reached out to help). I also made clear that my gender identity was not something I could fight, that I had tried too long and unsuccessfully to do so already, and that I had no idea where the changes would take me. I still do not know that.
I do not dress at home. She does not want to see me yet, and our kids do not yet know (though that day is coming).
Instead, I plan outings, carefully spacing them at roughly three week intervals which is about the longest I can go without losing sanity.
That gives me plenty of time to play my role as Dad and satisfy everything I need to do to keep the family running smoothly. And she knows I need the "me" time, when I can drop the mask, and does not begrudge it to me.
A turning point came when I finally accepted that, if need be, I loved her enough that I could let her go if that was what she needed. Oddly, knowing I could, and that I would survive, made it easier to see her side, to listen better, and to be a better friend to her.
She began to accept things. We began, ever so slowly to discuss little things....nail care, skin care. One day she helped me pick out some jewelry. Then some makeup. Even, gasp, some panties. Note, my dressing is not something I constantly talk about or make an issue about, but she cannot fail to see the changes occurring due to the hormones.
And I have shared with her the heartache in many of the personal tales told to me by other girls struggling with their own pain, loneliess and despair. My wife has a big heart. The stories touch and move her, just as they do me.
Lately she has warmed even more. One night during the power outage we talked. She is beginning to see how a new, totally unplanned future is developing and that it is not bad. Certainly she is in many ways losing the husband she once knew. But in other ways, her best friend is simply slowly becoming her best girlfriend. She listens to my advice on clothing now...lol
I think she is getting close to being ready to "meet" me.
We laughed about going out to lunch together with me dressed.
And most important, she cuddles against me again at night these days.
No we have not sorted out a return to physical intimacy of a sexual nature again, not yet. And this is an issue...some of you know from private discussions...it is a concern. But it is no longer off the table.
I am cautiously hopeful.
Today is our anniversary.
24 years.
I now think we might make it to 25.
Day by day
Hugs
Sammie
But this is actually about my wife and I.
Today is our wedding anniversary. 24 years.
If you do not remember (lol...and why would you...haha) I came out to her as TG last January, and let her know it was something I had struggled with my entire life and that I had hidden my dressing from her and everyone else for years. I also revealed I was beginning with a gender therapist, and had begun HRT. Yes, all of this should have been shared and discussed years before. Mea culpa. I am human, and still working through many years of misplaced and unhealthy layers of accumulated coping mechanisms. But I am trying. I told her as soon as I could. This is, none of it, easy.
It was very hard for her to hear. She was shocked, hurt, angry...you name it. And understandably so. She felt betrayed, repulsed, and was angry at herself for not having seen any signs. I was sure she would leave me and I was terrified.
My wife is by nature liberal and with a background in theatre she has many gay friends and has no issues at all with tolerance and understanding. But it is different when it is your own husband. And then there was the issue of the deceit.
Our marriage has had other issues as well not necessary to address here. Neither of us has been truly happy for awhile now.
And yet there is a strong love, a good friendship, a lifetime of shared experience, and the responsibilities of two children and the financial security of shared incomes.
It was touch and go for a long time and a real roller coaster emotionally for us both.
Throughout it all, I did everything I could to be totally honest, to behave as the person she had always loved, to remain constant in my desire to make things work (thank God and all of you for the advice on these boards and from the many caring friends who have reached out to help). I also made clear that my gender identity was not something I could fight, that I had tried too long and unsuccessfully to do so already, and that I had no idea where the changes would take me. I still do not know that.
I do not dress at home. She does not want to see me yet, and our kids do not yet know (though that day is coming).
Instead, I plan outings, carefully spacing them at roughly three week intervals which is about the longest I can go without losing sanity.
That gives me plenty of time to play my role as Dad and satisfy everything I need to do to keep the family running smoothly. And she knows I need the "me" time, when I can drop the mask, and does not begrudge it to me.
A turning point came when I finally accepted that, if need be, I loved her enough that I could let her go if that was what she needed. Oddly, knowing I could, and that I would survive, made it easier to see her side, to listen better, and to be a better friend to her.
She began to accept things. We began, ever so slowly to discuss little things....nail care, skin care. One day she helped me pick out some jewelry. Then some makeup. Even, gasp, some panties. Note, my dressing is not something I constantly talk about or make an issue about, but she cannot fail to see the changes occurring due to the hormones.
And I have shared with her the heartache in many of the personal tales told to me by other girls struggling with their own pain, loneliess and despair. My wife has a big heart. The stories touch and move her, just as they do me.
Lately she has warmed even more. One night during the power outage we talked. She is beginning to see how a new, totally unplanned future is developing and that it is not bad. Certainly she is in many ways losing the husband she once knew. But in other ways, her best friend is simply slowly becoming her best girlfriend. She listens to my advice on clothing now...lol
I think she is getting close to being ready to "meet" me.
We laughed about going out to lunch together with me dressed.
And most important, she cuddles against me again at night these days.
No we have not sorted out a return to physical intimacy of a sexual nature again, not yet. And this is an issue...some of you know from private discussions...it is a concern. But it is no longer off the table.
I am cautiously hopeful.
Today is our anniversary.
24 years.
I now think we might make it to 25.
Day by day
Hugs
Sammie