I am not a failure

[Tina_gm]

I have recently had somewhat of a epiphany. For about 3 decades, I felt I was a failure of a man. Besides the haunting desires to dress and look like a woman, I just could never come up with the amount of masculinity to be a "man" And even today, I would love to be a tough rugged man. There is a part of me that wants to be that. I wish sometimes I could be that man, but I am not. Lord knows I tried to be. I will always have a certain masculinity about me.... my many interests and attitudes, and a certain way of being which all connects with being a man.
BUT.....




Just as much of me connects to women and how they think, how they act, react, how they feel. I may not be a woman, but I do connect with them on many levels. I also wish I looked like one. I like to dress as one, as it makes me feel comfortable, relaxed.... a part of myself I just am.

For 30 years I tried unsuccessfully to rid these things from myself. Every time I had a desire to look like a woman, to wish to wear what a woman wears, I felt like a failure. That I had emotions more typical of a woman, that a had mannerisms more typical of a woman, that I sometimes acted or reacted like one.

I tried to "man up" I tried to be tougher.... which is funny because for my size I can be extremely tough.... for my size. But I never really truly wanted to be. It was my employment more than anything else that made me tougher actually, I have worked with human violence for quite a bit. Not that I ever liked it, but it is what it is. I don't despise it either. I just rolled with it, literally.

So for 30 years, I felt like what so many think of us, a freak. I feared what I was. I tried desperately to rid myself of this whatever it was that made me this way, always thinking I just needed to try harder. Always envious of those whose masculinity was natural and came easy or automatically to them, whereas I had to try, and try hard to cover up my femininity.

But fairly recently, I have come to realize, I am a good person!! maybe not a masculine person, maybe I am a feminine person, but a good person nonetheless. I have been a good parent and have kids that are not in trouble and are successful. I have good friends. I am doing right by my mother. I was with my father the night he passed. I gave his eulogy. I earn ok money. I own a house. I am not a failure, just feminine, and that is ok too.

[CynthiaD]

I couldn't agree more. You go girl!

BTW I feel your pain.

[Rachael Leigh]

Sounds like you have figured out things and I tend to agree because we all seem to want measure up.
Me as well as others that usually means our dads so yes I fully understand you hon

[kimdl93]

It's more than ok. You've done everything life could ask of you and done so bearing a burden of guilt without committing a crime. If anything you should be admired.

Also, I utterly loath the expression "man up". Many of the poorest examples of masculinity that I know are among the most manly. And some of the strongest, wisest and most contributing people I know are women.

[Erica Marie]

You just made me feel a little better about myself.

[hope springs]

Gendermutt, im right there with ya. The more i think about it, the conclusion im coming to is "man" and "woman" are very ill defined concepts. Laced with societal precepts noone asked for but too many accept. I dunno what it is be a man, nor macho. Im not entirely certain i care. Likewise i dont know what it is to be a woman. Much like the old movie " war games", the only winning move is not to play. Ive decided whatever game society is playing with gender, im not on board. Im just gonna be me, sitting right next to you gendermutt, enjoying my dress and a cold bottle of Spaten Oktoberfest ( gotta love German brewing). Just be you, all else is bullshit, illusions built by society to categorize.

[Leslie Langford]

It has been said that when it came to dancing, Ginger Rogers did the same thing that Fred Astaire did, except that in her case, she did it backwards and in heels. :)

Not to take the crossdressing metaphor too far here, but I think that when it comes to living up to the world's expectations of "masculinity", we closeted transgender folks get to do it the hard way, unlike most males for whom this comes naturally, and as you so rightly point out. So pat yourself on the back or take a bow here, gendermutt, because you are definitely not a failure.

Like most of us here, you have gone above and beyond to meet society's expectations of what a "man" should be (and do), and at a personal cost that few outside of our community can truly appreciate or relate to ...

[Pat]

It seems like two educational problems. First a problem of too few positive role models for CD/TV folks. We have to find ourselves and then we have to get to the point where we can give ourselves permission to be who we are. If we succeed in accepting ourselves, then there's the problem of too little education about CDs/TVs so our families and loved ones are far more likely to reject us than accept us. We need a Tranny Power movement.

[LelaK]

I never suffered with guilt, but I have felt like a failure, not at being masculine, which I'm not interested in, but at living as productive a life as I can.

I'm actually satisfied to feel like a failure, because I like having ambition to do good, and if I haven't done as much as I think I can, I like to be reminded. The challenge is exciting to me. I don't want to forget that I have opportunity to do more.

I don't have much of a problem feeling like a failure. I don't feel disgraced or embarrassed. I feel like a normal human being who hasn't yet lived up to her potential.

[Alice Torn]

GM, Thank you so much for sharing from the heart here! That could have been my story, except, that i do feel like a failure, because i never married, had kids,nor had a real career , am very low income on disability, no girlfriend. Everything else you wrote, i sure relate too. I see so many bikers, and other macho men around here, all with girlfriends, and seem so manly, where i also have had to try hard to be manly, hiding my feminine qualities some, but i don't hide my sensitivity to animals, and others, even if people think i am effeminite, or a a failed man. Thanks again!

[Jill_cd]

You just made me feel a little better about myself.

Me too! Thank you.

[Amanda L.]

Well for my 2 cents worth you have written a great post. So honest and frank. As far as masculinity goes I would say that I have always had a natural masculinity and gone my whole life with a very strong mindset to be a respected man. I believe also that I am a good man who has done the best for his family, been fair with people, not trodden over people to get to where I am. So look at me now. As I have stated in other posts my female side is at the opposite end of the spectrum. My mind and behaviour is as feminine as I can be. Just as I have always wanted to be a good man I now want to be a good, well respected woman (when I dress that is as I cannot see myself going full time)
So I wonder is `taking on a female image and expressing that side of oneself, knowing how society in general feels about crossdressers a valid sign of masculinity?
For it takes courage for a man to face his inner turmoil and accept this challenge of his female self. How many men are cowering away from what they don't want to accept. Isn't courage perceived as a masculine trait, cowardice is certainly not.
We truly are the ones with the balls to be the way we are
Cheers
Amanda

[suchacutie]

I too admit that there are some positives to being "manly" but there are some qualities that are often associated with manly that I find embarrassing, and a lot of those involve the treatment of women. So, GM, I think your understanding of perspective on gender is to be admired and praised. Just think how much more civilized the world would be if all males were expected to spend some time presenting as a woman! You are just ahead of your time!

[mariehart]

Yes I could have written most of that post, except it took a bit longer for me to come to those conclusions. When I recently came out to my wife about crossdressing, one of her comments was that she sometimes wished I was more masculine. Well I can't, I'm fundamentally incapable of it.

However I spent years convinced I was projecting a masculine image successfully, despite my crossdressing and the nagging little doubt way back in my mind. I was a failure as a man or so it seemed. Despite my optimism. I couldn't seem to succeed in my career ambitions or in my personal life. My fruitless love for several women was pitiful. I was living with my Mother long after it became embarrassing.

My epiphany was more gradual but I came to realise that the only person who believed in my masculine image was me. The more I thought about it, it became clear others saw it in me all the way back into school and indeed the army. Girls in particular.

But like you. I now realise I wasn't failure at all. I was well regarded in any job I worked in and I had a good relationship with people, women in particular. This is still the case.

The only problem is that just because I am now more comfortable with myself doesn't me other people important in my life understand that I can only be myself. My wife I mentioned, she still feels I should be more dynamic more masculine, more in charge. After more than ten years together I think she might have worked out long ago that is not going to happen.

I wish I could be sometimes.

[carhill2mn]

Learning to accept yourself as you are is a big step towards finding happiness and better mental and physical health.

Congratulations!

[ReineD]

For about 3 decades, I felt I was a failure of a man. Besides the haunting desires to dress and look like a woman, I just could never come up with the amount of masculinity to be a "man" And even today, I would love to be a tough rugged man. There is a part of me that wants to be that. I wish sometimes I could be that man, but I am not. Lord knows I tried to be.

I'm guessing that a rather large number of our population would say the same thing and it would go both ways. Many women would also say they would haved liked to have been the beautiful, svelte creatures stereotypically known as the epitome of femininity. But the fact remains that few of us fit any image of the ideal.

Look at this high school class picture (http://www.tostepharmd.net/kermanphoto/schools/kuhs1994.html). There are all shapes and sizes there: the beautiful and not so beautiful girls, the jock and not so jock guys. Everyone has features they wish they didn't have and personality attributes they wish would be stronger or weaker.

As to connecting with people, many of us have friends of both genders that we connect with, at levels that are outside of the fact they are male and female. For example I may not share my (female) friend's taste in ultra girly clothes, shoes, and purses, but she is still my friend, as is the one who is a gym teacher and would never be caught dead in a dress let alone admit to any defeat of any kind. I may not share my (male) friend's taste in sports cars, but he is still my friend too. I have other things that I've bonded with in these people and these are just the human experiences … our lives, our relationships, our beliefs, and so on, together with life's daily challenges.

I don't mean to put down your experience. I'm rather pointing out that I think you are far from being alone and I'm glad that you no longer feel this way. No one is a failure in my opinion, no matter what their personality, physical appearance, and preferences.

I sometimes get the impression that crossdressers can be particularly hard on themselves in terms of feeling they have to prove who they are, which they sometimes translate into having to prove their masculinity. I know men who are quite happy not being jocks and they are not apologetic for their lack of interest in sports, etc. Maybe we all get teased while growing up (I got teased incessantly over my height, my maiden name, and the size of my feet). My brother was teased over being short and having his voice change and facial hair begin to grow much later than the other boys. But maybe because you are a crossdresser, you took any teasing you may have experienced more to heart?

[Tina G]

Just be who you want to be and keep moving forward.. that has been my motto

Tina

[Teresa]

Gendermutt,
I can see you're talking from nearer my generation when men were suppose to be men ! I can remember when boys started to grow their hair long in the swinging sixties, the names the older generation called us, even my own father ! The old labels do stick and eventually you start to conform and do what men are expected to do. I guess I've never minded being a guy because I was capable of handling what was expected, I look back with some pride at what I managed to achieve despite part of my brain being in Teresa land ! I've now grown tired of having to prove I'm a man, I have part of me that has different needs, if I want to wear something different and look different I think I've earned the right !

[Katey888]

You've said it all yourself, GM... You are a good person... :hugs:

It's nice of you to share those thoughts of self-acceptance because it reassures all of us - but particularly those of us who do have doubts - that self-acceptance is possible and feeling valued and positive and worthwhile for just being who we are is possible and is the right thing to strive for.

So Yaaay! for you... and all of us too... :cheer:

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi GM,

In the end it is not about being masculine or feminine (whatever those concepts mean). Not to sound morbid but at some point we will all shuffle off this mortal coil and it is at that point it does not matter how tough you were, how beautiful you were, if you moved with the grace of a gazelle or stride of a grizzly bear, it is about who you were as a person that people will remember. Being a decent person (male or female) is what you want to be remembered for . . . besides there are enough strong tough macho guys and beautiful strong women who are miserable beings already in the world. So you are right . . . you are not a failure.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

gendermutt, you, me, and every other person on this forum are just fine. Seriously, there's not one thing a one of us.

The problem is the rest of society - feminine men aren't well accepted outside of the gay community. (And there was a while when they weren't accepted well there either - you needed to be a "straight acting" man.) And a man who presents female is definitely not acceptable to much of society.

The arbitrary, capricious, rigid and cruelly enforced views of gender our society has are our problem.

I'm glad you are accepting yourself hon, I can tell you, for what it's worth, that I consider it an honor and a privilege to know you.

[JerseyGirlDonna]

Gendermutt,
You have so eloquently put into words thoughts that so many of us share. Thank you. It took me 3 years of therapy to realize this. You are way more than just OK.
Donna

[Renee Elise]

Gendermutt, great post. Like Amanda T I've always had strong tendencies in both directions since I was a boy. When I'm a man I like being a guy, working with my hands, diy projects, outdoorsman etc...bullshitting around with my buddies and professionally I deliver results...I've shouldered many burdens beyond my years - I've never divulged this before here...the sudden passing of my mom last fall and having to take care of my Dad, handling all the arrangements and delivering then eulogy for her was...well there are no words for it. So while the masculine was strong I've had feminine traits too that I learned to suppress...until the stress proved too great and I couldn't keep my inner lady in the bottle any more. After going through all that I know my manhood is beyond question. For the longest time I've felt like something was missing....since I've been able to spend some time as Renee occasionally and wear all of these wonderful clothes I've been dreaming about for so long and let the girly, feminine feelings flow and embrace them I feel so much better as a man...far less stress and tension generally. Being able to let the energy flow back and forth has been great and I don't think I can ever stop....the occasional respite maybe, but getting to know my inner girl has been a great experience thus far and realizing there are other like minded individuals out there has been amazing after feeling alone for so long. We're kind of an elite group facing all the bs society (which is doing such a great job anyway lol) heaps on us and finding a way to enjoy our femininity, finding balance and peace... You are a success along with so many other girls here. Xoxo ~Renee

[JennyT3]

Like many have said... Thank you for your honesty. Brilliant words by so many.

[Laura J]

I think these are words we can all relate to here at some level. Thank you for sharing.

[Carlene]

Wonderful post Gendermutt. I feel a sense of acceptance now too, after a long period of feeling badly. It is nice to know that you are beginning to find a sense of peace. I wish youall the best going forward.

Carlene..:hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

If I've learned anything at all my friend, I've learned that the greatest assessor of who we are as a man, or a woman for that matter is we, ourselves.Go with the flow. :battingeyelashes::)

[Christen]

GM, I'm really glad that you've got to that point. It is a very good place to be. You've written out my thoughts almost exactly.

Christen x

[grace7777]

Being macho or masculine does not make us a good person. The important thing is to lead a productive and useful life. A life that we can take pride in.

I find that I am not a masculine person, and I have come to realize that there is nothing wrong with it.

[Gardener]

What a place of peace to inhabit. The journey so far has led you somewhere good. I have come to realise that it is unhelpful to judge ourselves one way or the other. We are complex, a mixture, good and bad, male and female, weak and strong, selfish and caring and so on. Balances shift, circumstances encourage and discourage. If there is a secret it is about keeping faith with oneself, being honest about how it is at the time and thinking of safety and consequences.

[Nadya]

For me, sometimes I just need to remind myself that I deserve to be happy. It's a shame that many of us feel we should be ashamed of what we do or how we feel. Reaffirming that we have a right to happiness just like everyone else is important. I'm sure many of us have felt as you have and we are all here to support each other.

[docrobbysherry]

I never had gender issues until I was over 50. Growing up without them, I never struggled to "be a man" as many of u have. I knew early on I was no big stud. And, as an average guy I was not very attractive. But, I noticed by my late teens, that those things didn't stop me from being a success at whatever I wanted to do. Which included dating attractive women. :D
If I wanted it badly enuff, it happened!

U can invent/use all sorts of reasons/excuses why u haven't been successful at whatever u wanted to do. But, in my experience the folks that aren't successful seem to constantly get in their own way!:doh: And, that is the main reason we often fail!:sad:

[Tina G]

Good read, all i have to say is i've accepted who i am as well and moving forward each day.

Tina

[JamieTG]

I can definitely relate. I struggled with guilt and low self esteem for many years because of this. I even joined the military trying to be "macho" and super masculine. It wasn't until my mid 40's that I started to accept myself and stopped trying to fight it. Just because somebody is different, doesn't mean they are a bad person or a failure. I occasionally have a negative view of myself creep back, but now its just a fleeting thought and not all consuming like before.

[Beverley Sims]

I was not much of a man, I felt as you do, when the girls dressed me up and my popularity grew I knew I had arrived.... As a girl.

The transformation to manhood was all in my mind, I was admired as a man who could pass as a woman if need be.

[Tina_gm]

Thank you for the many heart warming replies. Gender issues can and are for me a struggle at times. They likely always will be to some extent. My wife will likely have struggles with this, although she accepts that I have gender issues and continues to plan a future with me for as long as we are alive. For her she feels that all will be ok so long as my gender issues/femininity/dressing do not become more important in my life than her. That I am always able to be her husband. Also, that the physical aspect is likely something she will never be able to deal with (dressing around her) and I will have to accept that. I guess overall it is fair.

I now have that one horrible thing removed (mostly) out of my head- that I am a failure because of my femininity and gender issues. I do have to still remind myself at times, but, I now find myself more calm and able to think through everyday life issues and deal with them better than I ever have. Still doesn't make life issues easy, and gender issues are still hard to deal with at times. But now at least, I don't have a failure tag hanging over my head. I have this community to thank in large part for this, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[sometimes_miss]

Also, I utterly loath the expression "man up".

Me too. What's completely fascinating is when women use the phrase, basically insulting themselves at the same time.