What is your level of acceptance? (responses from all please!)

[Coping2014]

I just got done reading through the 'Do you need approval?' thread and it got me to thinking. There were many posts that stated they didn't need it but rather wanted acceptance from your SO. As an SO of a CDer I guess I'm hoping that you can expand on that comment. What is your NEEDED level of acceptance - what does it look like? Or what in the end do you HOPE it will look like at the end of this process - your goal so to speak.

My SO has made similar comments - "I hope in time you will be more ok?" To me that is very vague and the spectrum of CD is such a HUGH span that I automatically go to the end of MTF trans. He says that is not the case for him and I know that EVERYONE on here will be at a different place it would just be nice to hear where you are and are you happy? What more do you need to make you happy? When you do accept these limits that your SO is accepting of are you resentful at all?

I know it's a lot of questions but I'm just curious. I saw some in that approval thread that were like 'I know I would need to let her go' (the GG wife if she wasn't ok) and others that said 'I still want my life as a man as well and didn't want to compromise the marriage.' - in that case they seemed to be happy with compromise, it wasn't a take me or leave me- all or nothing scenario. I do hope that is true but I'm still very scared that the resentment would overtake the marriage.

Thank you in advance for your posts and I look forward to gaining a better understanding of the different levels of acceptance.

Coping2014

[I Am Paula]

You said all responses, so here goes. I'm TS post transition, pre op. Living, and legally a woman.
The ideal level of acceptance would be for my wife to never again think of me as a man, only use the right pronouns, and live happily ever after as a blissful same sex couple.
It would be a bonus if she never started a sentence with 'when you were a man' again. Ain't gonna happen.

Now for the reality. She grudgingly accepts that I am a trans woman. Not a real woman. She misgenders me, usually to make a point. She only marginally accepts the GD story, and hopes Paul will come back someday. We will probably grow old together, but in her mind, I will be Paul. Our life is an acceptable compromise.

[Coping2014]

We will probably grow old together, but in her mind, I will be Paul. Our life is an acceptable compromise.

Paula,

I heard the wants you wish you had but it seems you settled for the life you have an 'acceptable compromise' are you happy or resentful? I mean I don't think any of us ever get EVERYTHING we REALLY want out of life and a marriage (IMHO) there is always some level of compromise but before all this came out in our life I would have said that I was overall extremely happy - now - I'm still confused and trying to figure things out with everything, my H came out to me in May of this year. There are a lot of things that I LOVE about the new him. But I am scared about how far it will go. The person he is becoming to me is a better man. I'm still perplexed about the dressing but the characteristics he is now sharing with me this new personality - to me it isn't an alter ego - it is a more complex him and I do love it. I'm hoping time will make the rest of it (dressing) ok but right now I just don't know. Still working it all out. Can you tell me how long has your journey been taking place - from coming out to now being Paula 100% of the time?

Thanks for sharing,
Coping2014

[Teresa]

Coping2014,
We all have different levels of what CDing does for us, many of us still don't fully understand it and find it hard to say how far do we want to go, without any restraints. Being totally in the closet is fine for some they are happy with the very private thing they have. Mine is sexual and want to share it with my wife, she knows about my CDing needs but doesn't participate, for me it makes me feel unloved and rejected but I still respect her decision. To me she she should allow me dress as I choose to dress if it's the only pleasure and happiness I get in my life and she should respect me for that. She knows I'm not gay and don't want to transition so she's not going to lose the man about the house, I just want the acceptance to express part of me that is a total stranger to her and my family, is that so bad ?

[MsVal]

To me, there is a difference between our needs and our wants. I believe that being in a positive state of mind is closer to a need than a want, and I will do whatever I must to achieve and maintain that state of mind. This is a present and ongoing struggle, but I'm getting closer.

I want unconditional acceptance by all persons, but realize that is not likely to happen. I have, and will continue to upset some people in life. That's unfortunate, but unless I compromise my own beliefs, unavoidable. The adage: "You can't please everyone." comes to mind.

By unconditional acceptance, I don't mean love or even approval. I would be satisfied if most people just thought that I was eccentric but harmless.

Does that answer your question?

Best wishes
MsVal

[ReineD]

My SO is not TS. S/he is not what might be perceived as a "regular guy" either, in that my SO does not shy away from being feminine even in male mode. But, I need to explain this before going further.

It is perceived among many CDers in this forum (although it is not necessarily that way in real life), that "real men" who have no gender ambiguity do not have certain feminine attributes. "Real men" are perceived to be rather macho. Quite apart from the wearing of female clothing, makeup, jewelry, etc, examples of these feminine attributes (definitions which vary according to individuals depending on their personalities and how they were raised) are perhaps an ability to be outgoing, and/or more free with body language and emotional display (giggles, shedding tears, etc), an appreciation and engagement in what might be considered female activities such as knitting, cooking, appreciation of ballet, and many others that also depend on personal opinion, the ability to emotionally bond with others, perhaps being more patient and less quick to anger, not being competitive, an appreciation or having an opinion of feminine fashion, room decor, etc. These are only a few ways that may be perceived as feminine vs masculine behaviors.

So when I say that my SO does not shy away from behaving in these ways even in male mode, I mean that my SO has interests and behaves in ways that are exactly the same whether dressed or not. This wasn't always the case. For many years my SO also had a rather rigid personal definition of what it means to be a man and there were certain interests that he didn't engage in. At any rate, today my SO experiences the full spectrum of human emotion, we discuss likes and dislikes about any manner of aesthetics (room decor, fashion, art, etc), he is a tender, caring individual, he isn't into sports and cars, he can let go and dance like wildfire on the dance floor, he is a good friend to both his female and male friends, etc, all without being dressed.

You ask what my acceptance levels are and the most important for me is, I accept the totality of my SO's personality and preferences. He is who he is and I love him for it. A secondary acceptance (it goes with the package :)) is my ability to support my SO's feminine presentation. My SO has no desire to present as a woman full time in fact it can be somewhat stressful to do so sometimes, since my SO is perceived as being a birth male when dressed by people who pay particular attention to him or who read gender cues rather well. My SO has no wish to modify his body and so he is not on HRT, will not have FFS, does not desire permanent breasts, etc. Most people who interact with him appear to be quite accepting (or they don't care), while sometimes my SO's presentation may garner attention and perhaps even comment from those onlookers who do notice. As much as we would want otherwise, the idea that some birth males wish to present as women is not widely recognized in our society as a natural way to be. And I think it is part of the human fabric to not want to be judged or ostracized. At the very least, I think an important part of presenting as a woman is a desire to be perceived as one as opposed to being seen as a man in a dress, for many CDers. It is therefore sometimes difficult for me as well, to see some of the reactions when my SO is dressed. But, like my SO, I have developed a rather thick skin and so it is more important for me that my SO have an outlet for expression than none at all. The bottom line is that a desire to present as a woman would have to be strong indeed, to put up with societal judgment 24/7, in addition to risking jobs and relationships.

I think it is because I know that my SO will not want to transition that he and I are on the same page with regard to the feminine expression. My SO has been very clear about this and I believe him because I know that he has considered all the pros and cons of transition. But, I've no idea how I would react if in a few years my SO did announce that he wanted to transition, so this bridge would have to be crossed (no pun intended) at that time. I do not worry about it because I know that I can deal with whatever life sends my way. I do know, however, that as of today I don't think I would be prepared to be in a romantic relationship with another woman. I'm just not wired that way and the likelihood is that should my SO transition, he and I would end our romantic relationship. I would still be her friend though.

Another important thing to keep in mind: as long as CDers feel suppressed in their expression in any way (for example they can only dress when their wives are not around, or the wife doesn't allow certain things like body shaving, forms, wigs, etc), they really have not experienced the freedom to fully express themselves and so many of them only have a sketchy idea of what that would feel like in reality. It is not uncommon for CDers in this position to equate having full freedom to dress with perhaps being TS. This is why, I think, so many CDers in this position will say they have no idea how far it will go. It's not that they believe fundamentally they are women, they just have so many repressed desires to express themselves, they logically think that it will continue to increase with the opportunity to dress. But, we do have many, many members here who do have the freedom to dress at will (it is a few times per week for my SO depending on his schedule), and somehow the switching back and forth does become a part of normal existence. I also need to mention that it is easy for the wives who see their husbands perfecting the presentation and expressing a desire to go out in public, to believe the husbands might be on their way to transiton as well. lol. In the beginning I fell into that trap too but this was because I didn't know any better.

My advice to you: do believe what your husband tells you. We do have a few members who enjoy coming into the CD section and give the impression that CDers don't know who they are and there is a chance they might be TS and don't know it. But statistically, the prevalence of transitioned transsexuals is small compared to all the members of this community especially among heterosexuals (I believe .. this is difficult to measure) and most TSs in the TS section will tell you that they did know all along. In other words, it didn't come as a complete surprise. So please do not be afraid to support your husband's feminine presentation. You might find that he will put as many brakes on it as you do, at least in terms of coming out to everyone.

[Princess Grandpa]

Because my wife not only accepts but pushes me to stretch my limits I don't know what the minimum acceptance level required for happiness. When this all started last year, certain boundaries were established; still plenty of male time. Hair removal off limits. Keeping the secret. No transitioning We have blown all of these out of the water. My biggest fear is one day she is going to decide she tried to accept but deep down... Should that happen we will have to decide what to do I don't think I could just stop at this point at least not without some serious psychological/emotional reprucussions.

I don't feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. But at the same time I'm not a "real man" either. I live my life as this weird hybrid I don't wear dresses out and about or do I go out with a wig and forms but I dress almost exclusively in women's clothing my nails are painted for the first time I think I see my true self. I don't think I could be happier!

Hug
Rita

[Coping2014]

To me she she should allow me dress as I choose to dress if it's the only pleasure and happiness I get in my life and she should respect me for that. She knows I'm not gay and don't want to transition so she's not going to lose the man about the house, I just want the acceptance to express part of me that is a total stranger to her and my family, is that so bad ?

Do you really feel that dressin is the ONLY pleasure and happienes in your life? As an SO this makes me sad -I would hope that our relationship and family and life in general was a part of my H happiness. If it is only the CDing then may I ask you why you are with your wife then?

Coping2014

[CynthiaD]

I can dress how I want whenever I want. My wife and I never do anything together with me dressed, and she probably will never buy me femme stuff. That's ok with me. I don't demand anything from her.

Remember that the CD spectrum is a spectrum, not a ladder. Most of us are going to stay pretty much where we are.

[Marcelle]

Hi Coping,

My wife is fully supportive and accepting of my CDing. Specifically, Isha is allowed to explore as much as she wants when she wants. However, I never loose sight of the fact that our relationship is built on mutual respect so I am "guy me" for than "girl me". This acceptance has allowed me to explore various aspects of my identity and come to terms with where I stand . . . a guy who from time to time who likes to dress like a girl and go about her business.

When it comes to friends, I am out to most of my friends as I needed to explore that portion both "boy" and "girl". Most have accepted (with the exception of few) and I have interacted with both my GG friends and male friends both as "boy me" and "girl me".

However this is particular to my own circumstances and coming out to SOs, family, friends, work is particular to each and the level of acceptance will be particular to each. Some here may be perfectly happy with a DADT relationship, while others may be perfectly happy doing so in privacy as not all seek total acceptance. So I guess my question back to you is what level of acceptance are willing to give to your husband in his CDing journey? Remember, it is not just all about his wants, you are part of the equation as well.

Hugs

Isha

[Teresa]

Coping2014,
I love my children and grandchildren but part of me is unhappy because of the acceptance issue, my wife has admitted that she knows she's hurting me but forty years of marriage is hard to walk away from, I have to keep working on making it better !

[PaulaQ]

Coping, I'm MtF trans, so I am the worst case scenario.

I was willing to try to limit how far I'd have to go with transition, to the extent I could. But I made no promises - it went where it went, I knew I could no longer bury this stuff. Still, I was willing to try to present less often as a woman, didn't do it around her, was willing to put off HRT, try to avoid SRS, etc.

When it became undeniable I'd transition - this happened pretty fast - I'd hoped she could accept me as a woman, and as a friend. That I could live in a separate part of the house from her, and that if she needed a lover because she could no longer be in a physical relationship with me, that was OK with me. I wanted to keep her as a friend. We could be married or not married depending on what she wanted.

I could accept a great many things - I just couldn't compromise on who I was. It breaks my heart that it was that way, but within a couple of months of coming out, I knew I could no longer tolerate life as a man any longer. Death was preferable. And you just can't live your life like that.

I still love my wife, although we are divorcing and there's no way we can be together. I know that now. I miss her as my wife and my best friend. We were best friends for such a long time, but that is over now.

[Coping2014]

Coping2014,
We all have different levels of what CDing does for us, many of us still don't fully understand it and find it hard to say how far do we want to go, without any restraints. Being totally in the closet is fine for some they are happy with the very private thing they have. Mine is sexual and want to share it with my wife, she knows about my CDing needs but doesn't participate, for me it makes me feel unloved and rejected but I still respect her decision. To me she she should allow me dress as I choose to dress if it's the only pleasure and happiness I get in my life and she should respect me for that. She knows I'm not gay and don't want to transition so she's not going to lose the man about the house, I just want the acceptance to express part of me that is a total stranger to her and my family, is that so bad ?


So I guess my question back to you is what level of acceptance are willing to give to your husband in his CDing journey? Remember, it is not just all about his wants, you are part of the equation as well.

Hugs

Isha


Isha,

Honestly I don't have the slightest. I still don't understand at all when you put the dressing into play - but I do love the person he is becoming. But I just can't see him as two different people. All these female personas I just don't understand them in the slightest. I feel he is beinging a better person not another person. I do know that I don't ever want to NOT have my husband in the picture. He claims that won't happen but I have always been a bit of a pessimist so I automaticaly think the worst case scenerio and for me that would be him wanting to transition - I worry that once he starts experimenting there won't be an end to it. I do feel that I don't want to be in a same sex marriage - That would be why I married a man. I just don't know there are WAY to many unknowns with all of this and I don't function well with the unknown. Him not having answers to things makes me feel disconnected to what he feels and it makes me sad. I just wish there was a way for him to explain it all so I 'got it!' But I realize that will probably never happen.

I have realized along this journey I have been able to do things that I wouldn't have ever thought I could or would do (ex. buying him clothes and even having these discussions) and I have and it wasn't as bad as I figured it would be - which is good but in the same breath it isn't at all what I had pictured for my future and I guess I'm really still grieving that loss. I have told him that I have NO IDEA how I will react to things so we need to just move forward at his pace for the moment. If I am confronted with something I can't handle - we have come up with how we will respond. I think we weren't moving forward because he was scared of what that response would be - so we are talking about how that should look so that he isn't embarrased or made to feel bad and I know what to say to kind of freeze the moment and take a step back I guess. I have told him to just do what it is he wants to do so he can figure things out - and he has been moving very slowly which is good and bad. I just want to find the norm so to speak. I won't know how I will feel until I really see him dressed I guess. My biggest fear is that if he does end up going somewhere I'm not comfortable with and I say something it will be a case of - pandoras box - you can't put back in what you have opened up. What if he needs it more than he needs me - I read Teresa's comments about dressing being the only thing that makes her happy and that just cuts me to the quick. I mean I understand and would want what it best for him (my husband) if that were the case but he claims that he doesn't feel this is the case for him but I can't help but worry. Only time will tell I guess.

Coping2014

[Tina G]

I have been dating someone who is very open and accepting of who I am as a person so things are going well for me and I do not have to worry.

Tina

[Coping2014]

Coping, I'm MtF trans, so I am the worst case scenario.
.

Please don't take my comment of worst case scenario the wrong way - I truly feel that if someone ANYONE needs this then I am more than happy that they found the real them. Even if that would end up being the case for my own husband. But the fact remains that like your wife I don't know that I could stay married I do sincerely hope that if that would happen we would remain friends - he is my best friend and I am already grieving the loss of my husband to a point already. I couldn't imagine saying goodbye to the man I married. It would kill me. When I make that comment worst case it is because it would be the end of my life as it is in the moment. As if my husband was dead. Right now my husband is becoming more of a person - to me he is better with some of the more femme traits he has taken on - little more tender at times, shows interest in what I'm talking about when before his eyes would glaze over, and I love all that. But I also don't want to loss my man either. While I love the new him I don't want the old him to vanish. I'm just not sure about the rest until it is revealed I guess. He says he tells me everything and lets me know when he's wanting to do things (dress or purchase anything) I do know that I could NEVER live with a DADT relationship it would kill me. I would feel as if he is having an affair. I already feel like that to a point with all of this because it is such an emotional discovery and it gives him something that I can't give him and that hurts me.

I hope that makes sense it was just when I read your comment I felt as if you may have taken offence to it like that is wrong or something - I don't begrudge you your transition at all actually happy you found happiness it is just said it had to come at a cost and I feel for your wife as I can truly believe I understand what she might be thinking and feeling.


Coping2014

[Marcelle]

Hi Coping,

It is difficult to move forward into the unknown so I do feel and understand your angst. In a way my wife went through a similar time at first hence the reason why we talked about it as much as possible. Now talking is not always going to work but it worked for us. In addition, I was seeing a gender identity therapist who was working with my own questions as I was not sure where I stood when it came to being CD or was I truly heading toward TS. A lot of times you hear people refer to the "pink fog" which is just a neat label to explain what happens when the CDer finally let's go and experiences him/herself via the new gender. This can equate to buying lots of clothes, make-up, spending an inordinate amount of time dressed/dressing or just becoming preoccupied with exploring the gender of choice that other aspects of their normal day to day routine fall off. I think for the most part we (CDers) go through this until things equalize out. The difference between this and being TS is that the TS guy/gal feels they were born the wrong gender and will move to correct this via transitioning.

In my own circumstances the urge to be Isha was so strong that when I finally was able to explore that side (my wife accepted and supported) I felt as though I had achieved something I needed to do and this brought me great joy and led me back toward the light to being much better person than I was becoming before I accepted Isha. While Isha is integral to my personality this does not mean I wish to be a woman or feel as though I should not have been born male. It is just something I do to express one part of my personality. I am not saying this is the case with your husband but it is plausible that he is just exploring at a breakneck speed what he wishes to explore and once he gets there, he may discover it is just part of him and not him. Then again, he may find that he wants to continue further. Sorry but there is no real answer here and I would be remiss to imply that one option is more likely over the other because we cannot truly know your husband's mind. However, I would recommend that if he is not already doing so a gender identity therapist might be helpful to both of you at the juncture to bring some order to chaos.

Hugs

Isha

[PaulaQ]

Coping - I took no offense. I have long considered myself the worst case scenario from the perspective of a married GG. My wife didn't know I CDed - I didn't do it at all for the first part of our relationship, for many years. I wanted this to go away.

When it got bad for me in late 2012 / early 2013 - I didn't tell her until I'd gotten some professional help, and realized that I could no longer deny who I was, and I couldn't stop this and live. So when I came out to her, it totally blind-sided her. From the time I came out to the time we separated was four months, almost to the day.

The worst thing she said to me was that I no longer deserved to wear our wedding ring.

I'm the woman who murdered her husband.

Paula

[kimdl93]

I'm somewhere closer to TS than CD Ono the spectrum. Today, I am willing and able to live with a measure of discomfort only because I am accommodating my wife. She is somewhat accepting and somewhat supportive. That leaves me somewhat disappointed, but hopeful for our future.

[NicoleScott]

In a nutshell - my wife's level of acceptance is indifference. She knows what I do, why I do it, and isn't threatened by it. I'm a part-time dresser. Otherwise, I'm the man she married.

[Nadine Spirit]

Hi Coping.

What is my level of acceptance? Hmm... Interesting question. How about, my wife accepts everything that I want to do. But that does not mean she or I would be accepting of anything the other person chose to do. For example we both have discussed leaving if either one of us chose to transition (no she is not trans in any way but we still discuss hypotheticals) but that is not an issue as I have no plans to transition.

What I know is that I am somewhere in the middle of the gender expression and I am happy there. I choose to express it in a variety of ways. Mostly gender non-conforming things and occasionally cross dress. So totally accepts things like me painting my nails as a male, and all the other stuff as well as my occasional cross dressing. Would she be accepting if I dressed as a female everyday? I doubt it, but I don't want to do that either.

There is something about this idea of acceptance in our society. How many songs are about loving someone exactly the way they are? How many times has it been said, we should love our partners for who they are on the inside? These ideas are very challenged in a relationship trying to survive/thrive with a TG partner. Is it wrong of my wife to leave me if I ever transitioned? Would it be wrong for me to transition if I knew she would leave me? Would it mean that we didn't "really" love each other? Biology vs. Emotions.

I am grateful for the level of acceptance I have with my wife, but it was earned and not given.

[Jenny Elwood]

I identify pretty much in every way with what Reine said. That could be my story but for three exceptions:

My wife is called Lidea.

We are still very much at the start of our journey. My wife has only recently (earlier this year) come to terms with the existence of Jenny after many years of denial (on her side) and suppression (on my side). We are still negotiating a truce that is acceptable to both of us. She is obviously pushing to minimize the effect of Jenny on her life, so she's willing to have a Jenny night every fortnight. After I came back from my two week misadventure( when she chased Jenny away), I realized what with young kids and the like, once a week would be pushing it, so I tried for every 10 days. Seeing as I had nothing before, and now get to dress (with her!) every other week, I'm not pushing the envelope but I will be honest and say two weeks is a long time. At first she barely tolerated Jenny on those nights but she does seem to have warmed to her just a little bit. If there is one thing that I've learned it is that time will sort things out and that we have to stop pushing for things to happen quicker.

Unlike your husband I do like sport, but for some reason I always seem to have watery eyes at the end of those infernal chick flicks...

[noeleena]

Hi,

Im not a male or ever was one as to what is known as a normal male, Im an intersexed female so a bit different from most , had my birth certs said and stated intersex on my papers it would have saved a lot of heart ache,

so 67 years ago it would not have been done , yet its not all bad ,

yes we Jos and i were married 40 years ago and were married for 35 we have 3 grown up adults and 11 grandkids , under 18 years of age , Jos of cause gave birth to....OUR...children,,

and we have 18 members in our family .

Over 20 years ago i told Jos what i was and later told our kids a few years later, Jos and i of cause have had our marrage anuuld so that all my documents could be changed to female other wise it would have been intersex at birth ,

Jos has remarried about a month before last Xmas to a nice guy and seem very happy ,I of cause still see Jos and we get on just as before so no issues there ,

Jos at the time did not understand that i was female and took her and my self 8 years of ...pure HELL....to get through that detail that rocked Jos for sure ,

yes Jos has accepted and has grown as i have through what we went through 17 years ago we decided to have our marrage anuuld , so that at a latter time Jos could have a man around the house , well as id say have a real man , not one like myself who was different ,they live about an hour and 1/2 away ,

Family members have accepted im very different and will allways wonder why i am like i am ,

In thier eyes i should have been a real man /. male not a female the grand kids all know and we , just as Kaylyn has said we still have a life and we will live it , and with her 5 grandkids ,

Hey it was not easy very hard in fact think about it this way you have a lose of a father granddad husband, lover and male , that should be for life and its not then it all changes and you go through that it changes you in every way,

I have acceptance and that will be different for each person and how they see me , i dont mean clothes i mean as a person who i am and just as any normal female / woman is accepted .

Yes we paid a high price very high infact , I was born different and have to live with that and have done for allmost 67 years,

For those of us who are like i am we dont get a free pass allso we dont get a say in how our bodys and mind are going to be so as i say we sure are a mixed bred of humans , yet we can offer a lot when we are accepted for who we are ,

I will say this no matter where i go and over sea,s as well i can join groups of different interests and be a member and the doors have been opened for me ,

So acceptance has been very importaint and that has given us our passport to life,

...noeleena...

[JennyT3]

Hard to explain. Last year I thought of myself as a str8 man that loved women so much that I wanted to look like one. Then a very nice gentleman asked me out...as Jenny. It was wonderful. Since then I spend more time as Jenny than my given nams. So what Im saying is I dont give a crap whether Im 'accepted' or not. Just as long as my BF loves me for who I am.

[I Am Paula]

my H came out to me in May of this year. There are a lot of things that I LOVE about the new him. But I am scared about how far it will go....
I heard the wants you wish you had but it seems you settled for the life you have an 'acceptable compromise' are you happy or resentful? Can you tell me how long has your journey been taking place - from coming out to now being Paula 100% of the time?

Coping, Like Paula Q, I am one of the extreme cases. The SO's worst nightmare. I really think that it is only a tiny number of people who call themselves CD's are going to take it to this level, and need to transition. Where they are going to take it is anybody's guess. From panty wearing, to presenting female most of the time are all part of the spectrum. I did consider myself 'just a CD' for a long time, but deep down I knew that I had GD, and my CDing sisters did not.
No one, and specially not your H, knows where this will end.

My journey has been lifelong, but for a long time I did not know it, or I denied it. I told my wife about cross dressing a few weeks after we got married, eighteen years ago. I should have told her before, but once again I thought I had it under control. From occasional CDing, to going full time, my wife has probably seen me more as a girl than as a guy.
In May of 2013 I told her I needed to transition, and began my real life.

The compromise that is my marriage works for both of us. It is not perfect, the nature of compromise. We live very separate lives, but also cherish time together. Next week we are going on holidays, and we will share a hotel room with two beds, do our makeup and dress together, eat our way thru' Quebec City, then retire to separate beds. Happy.

[CarlaWestin]

Well, if it's just level of acceptance that's easy. Remove the quantifier, 'level' and that's my desire. Just matter of fact acceptance. Instead of the combination DADT/ visceral hate me wife has for this fabulous side of me.

Of course, the situation of desire would be for my wife to accept Carla too and, just have fun with my girl side. A sexy maid to clean the house, a fun girlfriend to go out shopping with, a little submissive for her dominant moods. And, that smelly man that provides and fixes everything.

Now, my playing dress up is just an empty void to her. I just want her to play along.

[Jodeeuk]

Hit the Nail on the Head there.

Thanks

My SO is not TS. S/he is not what might be perceived as a "regular guy" either, in that my SO does not shy away from being feminine even in male mode. But, I need to explain this before going further...



I think its easy as someone with repressed feelings for along time to get like a spoilt schoolgirl and over indulge in Crossdressing, making every conversation and every outing about crossdressing when our SO's take the least of intrest it can get kinda fruity, LOL.
but remember to take your time and let your SO get used to what you want and need, jumping feet first isnt good for them or you, I believe as some one who was a person with alot of experience running a tg club, that time is something everyone should take, also really if you do have doubts of where you may full in the tg spectrum seek help, don't self diagnose, don't presume that you are one thing or another, don't label your self, and again take your time.

acceptance comes from within, and isn't always something you can accept for your self let alone others IMHO.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Coping, I'll be honest and say I eventually got really bored with my H waiting and wanting me to 'accept' (aka: indulge) his dressing. Why was it my responsibility to help him feel okay about this part of his life?? I didn't expect him to counsel me into a more whole and happy person yet somehow many wives find themselves with a crossdresser who doesn't actually know how to be one, let alone be happy. We're wives, not therapists, so it can be incredibly disappointing for everyone involved.

Anyway, long story short, we eventually agreed on DADT. He also realised that it's okay if I don't join in - I don't participate in many of his other 'hobbies' either, so why this one? I mean, if having a spouse indulge crossdressing is that important to your well being, why on earth would you marry someone who doesn't like it?? That just screams of masochism...great, another kink to add to the list, lol.

Anyway these were some of my thoughts and questions on this journey and you need to find yours. They won't all be the same and there's no right or wrong. Just do what works for you both - both being the imperative. There's not much fun to be had if acceptance is a one way street, and that includes the acceptance that crossdressing just isn't for everyone.

[Jenniferathome]

Dear Coping,

Big difference between "need" and "want." I am very fortunate that my wife accepts that I am what i am and has no complaints about it and can even go out with me in girl mode and not feel uncomfortable. Most important is that we can talk about it. That is what I wanted. The truth is, that I really only need to be able to talk to her openly about it. Without that, the pressure of hiding would be very hard. Even DADT would be too much pressure; always worrying if I hid everything away properly. If my wife absolutely didn't approve but was still able to talk to me objectively about my cross dressing, I think I'd be ok.

Perhaps my greatest fear was that she would think less of me because I was a cross dresser. Maybe we all have that fear?

[sometimes_miss]

I mean I don't think any of us ever get EVERYTHING we REALLY want out of life and a marriage (IMHO) there is always some level of compromise
And that is the biggest thing, I think, that we all have to try to keep in focus. It's what keeps me sane, and willing to live on. We don't get everything we want. Period. And to keep that from driving me nuts, I simply remember all the things that I DON'T WANT that I don't have to deal with to balance out all the things that I DO want that I can't have. Compromise. A little one way, a little the other.
So whether anyone else accepts me this way, I will live with it. There are far worse things in life to deal with compared to having to live with than this simple confused gender thing. I'm not dodging bullets on a regular basis, for one thing.

[giuseppina]

I am a CD. I have accepted myself as I am. :) That said, I feel no need to and am wary of going out.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

If my wife absolutely didn't approve but was still able to talk to me objectively about my cross dressing, I think I'd be ok.



Jen, this made me realise that I'm probably not in a true DADT. I'm quite comfortable chatting about CD with my H whenever I have any concerns and I always know when he's going to dress etc, and this doesn't bother me either. I just don't want to see it (it's weird, as you often say, lol) or be actively involved. He knows I don't like it on a personal level, but I don't disapprove of crossdressing in general.

Not sure what that makes us? But it works, either way.

[Kate Simmons]

To be honest I do not expect acceptance nor do I seek approval. I have a relationship with a woman and it is entirely separate from the issue of crossdressing, which is a personal venue for myself. My GF shows understanding for it which is good enough for myself but it does not affect our personal relationship.:)

[allisonagain]

My wife has known about and decided to tolerate/support my dressing from before we were married. As my dressing habits/needs have evolved over the decades she has rolled with it. My dressing didn't bloom into full blown going out until just before we had children. At that time I was an occasional dresser not interested in transitioning because of career and family commitments. Raising kids changed things completely. Boundaries were set to shield the children from my hobby. I had little opportunity to pursue my dressing other than the unseen daily under wear. Now that the children are mostly gone, now that I am mostly retired, I have the opportunity to dress again and have embraced it like never before. In this short history one would think it's pent up desire, I think not. It's always been there but we decided it needed to go away for awhile. As I get bolder now, my wife has said and believes that I need to do it. Dressing is a part of me and she doesn't want to try to deny me something that makes me so happy. She accepts that I will probably be 'discovered' by neighbors, friends, and maybe family eventually. She has had to accept that what I do is not a reflection on her but what I need and people will hear that when it's time. We are entering a new phase in life. I'm going to be dressing around her more and living about half time as Allison. It's hard for her, she married a man, but he has a softer part she loves too and accepts. There will be bumps as we go forward and I admit I am pushing her envelope as much as mine as I proceed. We love each other and wish to stay together so we both need to take care of ourselves, she especially. I have a responsibility to try to keep her needs satisfied as much as she feels towards me so I mustn't forget to look and listen and be sensitive to how she is handling the stages I go through. In the end it's about compromise but that is a fluid concept as lives change and we age. She is a wonderful woman to have given me so much acceptance through thick and thin for all our lives together, I am eternally grateful.

[Tina B.]

I told my wife about 40 years ago, she was accepting of my dressing, the day I told her, I've been dressing every since when ever I want, how ever I want, and she doesn't care, she knows it's just be in a different outfit, not someone different.
It makes me a better person, or at least a happier person, and that makes her happy. I don't go out by choice, so that is an issue we don't have, but at home, it's just clothes, and thanks to my lovely wife, I have a lot of them.

[MissTee]

In our marriage we don't talk of acceptance or not. Dressing is a very benign part or our relationship, so we really don't discuss it much. Not that it was ever a major topic anyway. I think what helped is she really didn't mind, and as she once put it I have only a very "mild case" of it. What that means is I do not want to transition, I do not want to go or be out, and I am happy just dressing at home and keeping it between she and I. If I want to dress I do. I seriously do not want or need anything more.

Likewise, I think we tend to enjoy what it adds to the relationship and not what it takes away. We love to shop together, enjoy mani-pedis together (no polish for me), watch chick flicks (especially the Holiday season romantics) and sometimes browse through clothing sites or magazines together. Being a bit of an artist, I use her nails as a canvas for some really cool designs and she loves it. I am not afraid to go in a women's clothing store and put together an outfit for her, surprise her with it, and then go out for the evening together. Operative word here is "together." In the near 40 years we've been married I'm sure it took us some time to get in that zone.

That's our story. Let me add that I have a strong guy presence as well, so she does not see it as having lost her man. He's still here. I do wonder sometimes that if we had stopped to fully dissect "it", or tried to make "it" a puzzle to solve, if it would have been more difficult to move forward. Seems it would get us stuck on the ingredients rather than the meal.

Hugs.

[mariehart]

I told my wife recently but I regret it now. It's not as if she rejected it completely. She was understanding to the degree she could be without having any knowledge of it. We talked and tried to establish what she was comfortable with and that seemed fine. But more recently she suddenly back pedalled and decided nothing was really acceptable but that she realised it was good for me to do it because it made me a happier person.

Clearly she is in two minds over it. She wants to accept it for me but I don't think she can overcome her distaste for it.

This I'm speculating about because she isn't talking about it. That's her way. She isn't a great talker and like her whole family she keeps everything in before letting loose with her thoughts and then shutting up again.

I've put all my clothes away in a box. I'm now totally embarrassed about it all. I did say to her that I would consider dumping everything if she insisted. She didn't but then last night it was clear she thought I had thrown everything away. I told her I hadn't that I couldn't and in any case if I was to tell her that I was going to give up something I've been doing most of my life then I would be lying. I told her I don't want to lie to her.

To my mind she wants it to go away. This I understand. But it won't. She finds it embarrassing to discuss and in turn I become embarrassed. So I don't try anymore. Unfortunately this is not the first time something like this has happened. After the birth of our second son, she lost interest in sex. It happens, it's understandable. We discussed it and I told her not to worry that there was no hurry and in any case we still had the intimacy and love. That was nearly six years ago and that would be the number of times we've had sex since, not made love, sex. The intimacy went too. When I tried to bring it up she dismissed it and wouldn't discuss it. It's not as if I really wanted it all the time but celibacy is a bit much and the times I tried to do something about it I felt like a pervert so I stopped. Eventually I got through to her and she understood. But still no sex. She just wants it to go away.

To my mind part of my return to CDing is down to this. It's certainly the reason I drink more now than I ever did.

I feel guilty about everything now. Guilty for CDing, drinking and thinking celibacy is bad for a marriage. Also guilty for not being the masculine man and high earner she wants because she also brought up the fact that I'm now the full time stay at home parent with some part time work. Basically I cut back on my work in order to look after the kids after it became almost untenable to continue working full time. I actually had to bring them to work with me at times. Then the job moved two and a half hours away and it was obvious it made no sense to keep it up full time. But apparently that's no longer acceptable either, in spite of the fact that in order to go back I would need to be gone two to three days a week which means huge complications with childcare. This issue she told is bigger than the CD issue.

Anyway I told my boss I would be back soon and will work whatever hours he needs. He's astonished because he always cut me some slack because of the family. Now I'm telling him none of that matters.

So it seem CDing is the least of it.

So what is the level of acceptance?

I don't know. I've no idea what I have to do now to please her.

[Janine cd]

My wife has never really accepted my desire to crossdress but she has shown a great deal of tolerance to my behavior. She knows that I dress and is aware of the extent of my wardrobe, but she has never indicated that my behavior was reprehensible to her.

[Christen]

Hi Coping,
I'd love to be able to be more open about my crossdressing with my partner, I'm still not sure I'd actually be comfortable dressing in her presence but I'd love to be able to discuss it and not hide it away. However I don't need to have that level of acceptance, I'm more than happy to have my wife know that I enjoy dressing and still put up with me. I don't expect her to fall in love with the idea or get involved, I just don't. I remember the first time the cat got out of the bag, one of the things she said was, 'You don't need to worry, I'd never tell anyone, it would be too embarrassing'. She would be mortified that anyone else knew. I think that's how many women (not all, obviously) would feel about a partner crossdressing.
So I'm happy with she knows, we don't discuss, I keep a lid on it as best I can.

Christen x

[Ellanore G.G.]

Hi Coping.
Im years into this with my H and we were just talking about how much has changed over the years.
My husband was all muddled over c/d 15 or so years back.
He wanted to try everything, believed he was happier dressed, and dreamed of the time when the kids left home
so he could be all pretty whenever he wanted.
We had some very hard times tbh over the years.
I would ovethink every little thing.
Everything would trigger him off, the smell of perfume, someone in stockings
in a magazine, the fooking flowers in the garden lol
and he would zone out.
over the next few years he bought lots of stuff, and I mean tons.
And the more he got, the more time he spent thinking about outfits, shoes etc.
Then I noticed that he didnt want sex very much, well why would he when he found a way
to get enormous pleasure without me at the drop of a hat.
Now this is just my personal story.
Anyway with full time work and young children I got fed up making sure he was happy
he had responsibilities to me and the children work etc, so I drew the line
and told him it had taken over his life and mine.
He was like a teenager sulking over everything
so he threw it all out
and we went and bought just a few outfits.
so up to date, this is where we are at
he maybe dresses full once or twice a month now
I didnt put this into place he did, and sometimes im here when he does this
at other times im out for lunch or working.
he doesnt seem to mind
he never had a femme name, wig, or breast forms.
Im not sure why, he just never felt the need
he says he does not feel femme, but rather giddy and excited.
he does not now always end it with sex, It depends on how hes feeling at the time.
I dont think i will ever know the answers as to why, but I dont need to know.
Its what it is, but took a long time for him to find his happy place with it.
He also never felt the need to go on forums.
I did plan a weekend away with other c/ds
but it seems it wasnt for him.

[Beverley Sims]

Compromise plays a big part helps with the success of the exercise for sure.

[Michaelasfun]

My wife accepts my CDing to the point of accepting me dressed around the house, but draws the line at going out with me dressed. Ideally I'd like to be able to go out with her when dressed but am respectful of her feelings on the subject and am happy going out on my own, as it's a source of great joy for me and I feel like I am being myself (to clarify I'm a straight guy w/o a desire to go any further with transitioning to being female).

[Carolina]

The level to go to is completely personal and as such different in most cases.

In my case the limit is my wife. She knows about it and accepts it as long as she doesn't see me en femme. How far would I like to go? I don't really know. I love CDing but don't have many opportunities to do it with the kids and my wife. Do I want to risk my marriage for it? Absolutely not. I'd rather be closeted for life than putting my wife and kids at risk. They don't deserve it.

I like fantasizing about it, that I could be dressed 24/7. But it is more of a fantasy for now. The question I have in my mind is whether I'll push it a notch when the kids leave to go on with their lives, but my wife would have to have a say. I'd love to be able to be in our house dressed and even go out together dressed. I also fantisize about being picked up by a guy while en femme, but it is part of fantasy. In real life i like women and i love my wife.

It's all personal, and in my case I don't have a clear limit, since i can't have one on my own. SOs deserve a say

[LelaK]

If I had a wife, I'd want her to be almost entirely accepting of how I dress. I don't think I'd have a wife who was not accepting of that. I'd probably not be tempted to transition unless it were cheap and nearly perfect. Otherwise, I'd probably not feel quite real.

[Kate T]

Another important thing to keep in mind: as long as CDers feel suppressed in their expression in any way (for example they can only dress when their wives are not around, or the wife doesn't allow certain things like body shaving, forms, wigs, etc), they really have not experienced the freedom to fully express themselves and so many of them only have a sketchy idea of what that would feel like in reality. It is not uncommon for CDers in this position to equate having full freedom to dress with perhaps being TS. This is why, I think, so many CDers in this position will say they have no idea how far it will go. It's not that they believe fundamentally they are women, they just have so many repressed desires to express themselves, they logically think that it will continue to increase with the opportunity to dress. But, we do have many, many members here who do have the freedom to dress at will (it is a few times per week for my SO depending on his schedule), and somehow the switching back and forth does become a part of normal existence. I also need to mention that it is easy for the wives who see their husbands perfecting the presentation and expressing a desire to go out in public, to believe the husbands might be on their way to transiton as well. lol. In the beginning I fell into that trap too but this was because I didn't know any better.


This is quite possibly the most important piece of writing I have seen for a little while on the topic of acceptance and boundaries. Both CD's and SO's I think can find plenty to reflect on in this simple paragraph.

Coping, I think they are great questions. I also liked Tinks comment that many CD's equate "acceptance" with "indulgence". They are not the same.

When is enough acceptance enough? Is the CD ever happy until they can dress full-time? Is everything other than that a compromise bound to breed resentment and ill feeling? I don't know the answers to those questions. Personally I don't subscribe to the view of some that CD'ing is a linear progression through time to transition. There are certainly plenty of cases on this forum where that is not the case. Can a CD ever be truly happy until they have complete freedom? Again personally I think the answer is yes, certainly we have a number of restrictions on personal freedom that we acknowledge that produce a better society despite possible personal desires against those restrictions (e.g. speed limits when driving etc.). I think we are happy when we see that the risk of undesirable outcome to others outweighs the personal gain achieved by such actions.

[Pink Susan]

I'm long finished with the sham marriage I had

If its just about a few clothes , and its ok the wife can wear a manly check shirt , jeans , socks , masculine boots , less than feminine underwear , then I expect it should be ok if I fancy relaxing on the sofa in a pretty floral dress , silk panties and pantyhose

Women cannot have it all their own way

[Kris Avery]

My SO (wife) is 100% accepting - as long as
1--I don't cut anything off (no worries)
2--I don't go out in public locally - since we live in a small redneck town (again- no worries)
3--I don't expose our blended family of pre-teen and teenaged girls to this (again - no worries)
4--We have a safe word 'phrase' that requires me to get naked for at bedtime [if she desires me as a man] (irony: most of the time she is OK and often she is turned on with her girlfriend)

Other than these simple rules, everything under the sun is possible and TOTALLY accepted with my SO.
Life is good and I know I am blessed.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hello Coping

After 12 years of marriage I revealed my desires to my wife. They were very specific desires--to wear pantyhose and heels, and in order to enjoy the feeling of pantyhose, I wanted to shave my legs. I did not reveal everything at the time--which was that I wanted to dress completely as a woman, and that it would be highly erotic to dress exactly like her.

She indulged me to a point and even seemed to find some aspects kinky and enjoyable, but after a pair of pumps became 4 or 5, and I revealed that I wanted to wear skirts and dresses (I pushed too hard too fast) we entered a few months of DADT. After some time, I wore a skirt and heels in front of her, and she realized it wasn't the end of the world.

We then entered a great few months where we enjoyed renewed romance and sexual satisfaction, which I admit was fueled by "fashion shows" (where we would buy matching heels, hose, dresses, skirts, etc.) and model them together. She appreciated the greatly increased intimacy and sex, smooth hair free legs under the covers, and I think her expanding wardrobe too. But she wondered where it would lead and had many fears.

I explained that my ultimately fantasy would be for us to get ready for a romantic dinner alone together, doing everything identically to include makeup, the exact same attire, etc. She really is my paradigm of womanhood and it would be wonderful to look like her (or at least be dressed and made up the same way).

This was too much for her. She toyed with the idea of helping me learn makeup but we never took that step and she said seeing me in a wig and makeup would be too much.

That was April 2013. I took a 5 1/2 month cold-turkey break over the summer to prove to her that she and the kids were more important than CD. I didn't want questions from the kids about hair free legs or chest, and I wanted to prove I could leave it alone.

When I resumed in late Sep 2013, she seemed OK with it. We did more "fashion shows" and she was comfortable with watching a movie together in matching silk robes, hose and heels. We shopped for matching dresses and women's pajamas online. She even purchased women's PJs for me for Valentines Day. This was very, very heady stuff for me.

This year I put it all away again in April, and haven't touched it since. I think she is beginning to understand the nature of CD for me. Would I like to dress more? Sure. Can I live without it for a time? Yes.

The fantasy is still there, and she knows it. Time will tell if we ever realize it. She has said that it would be OK if I went to a "transformation service" at some point to see the full illusion, but that she doesn't want to see that either.

Small steps, I suppose. Would I like her to have a greater level of acceptance? Yes. But more than that I would like to retain a healthy marriage, not destroy her happiness, and not affect the kids.

Thanks

Shibumi