Getting a supportive wife

[Henriette7]

Hallo all forum members
First of all, this is a great forum, with a lot of smiling and sharing :-). Since I'am very new her i will explan my qustion short. I have been a crossdresser for a couple of years now. I have told my wife last summer about it. I have been out on a couple of photosessions and I have also been out as Henriette a few times. (I have a website at http://henriette5.wix.com/mystory where I dig deeper about myselfs.)

When I told my wife about my cross dressing she returned with a chock. She wasent of cource not very happy about it, I can understand that. We talked a lot and ended up with some simple rules. Dont talk to our kids about it, smile a talk very mush about it. Since that time I have been on a photosession and taken a lot of fine pictures. This was with ok from my wife.

Now I would like my wife to see these photos, so she can see, that my world of cross dressing is not an ugly world, but also can be fine with a lot of humor and smiles. For the moment she do not wish to see my pictures and do not want to be supportive and that is very important to me. :-)

Off cource I know that it's a hard question, but how can I change her mind to come over in the green field where all the smile and lafther is, instead of beeing on the red side, where all the struggle is. In other words, beeing supportive and open together with me.

Hope you all understand what I mean.
Warm regards
Henriette

[Paula_Femme]

Hello Henriette, and welcome to the forum! :)

Unfortunately you are currently in a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" kind of relationship; your wife is staying with you and your children, but she wants nothing to do with your crossdressing. I think we ALL want a supportive wife or partner, but sometimes DADT is all that our wives/partners can deal with.

There's no way to "make" her supportive, if her attitude is going to change it has to be because she wants it to. Assuming you're not crossdressing all the time, and have no intention of transitioning, all I can suggest for now is to reassure her constantly that you're still the same loving man she married, still a lovinng father and spouse, and that this is simply a different side to your character, although one she hasn't seen before... you're still "You!"

Take things very slowly and gently, don't "force" the crossdressing on her, just let her see that you're simply being true to yourself, that you're happy and you want her to be happy too; hopefully in time her attitude will soften, and she'll learn to accept and love "All of you."

Good luck to you both! :)
Paula

[Jodeeuk]

Sometimes being honest works and it all can be a bed of roses afterwards, but shes guarding your children from it, and I think she needs reassurance that you're not gonna run around the house in a bikini, trying to take her role as mother, she feels threatened, and maybe in time she may come around but its gonna be her choice, and it isn't a easy one. as you said you have only been Crossdressing a short while, and while you seek acceptance from her you feel rejected, and unloved, remember who you were when you married your wife, ok people change in relationships over years of marriage but tend not change their appearance (sex), and stay married.

Time and some small hints over time may help. that is all.

[Jaylyn]

Henriette welcome to the forum. If I were you I'd start researching some of the old post from here. They have much information and most are from past experiences by members that have been in your place in the dressing. My wife is very accepting so hard to help you. I do not abuse her acceptance though. She has actually helped me with my dressing. She like your wife does not want the kids or Grandkids to know so I play by her rules on that one. I don't go out but keep it all at home or around the home. She can be very cool with dressing but at the same time she has to be reassured that you are still her man she married. To do that you can't be a full time dresser. Sorry I can't be of much help to you but please read the oldosts and get some pointer and helps to get you thru your troubles.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Henriette, you can't change her mind. Only your wife can do that, and given she didn't get a choice in marrying a crossdresser, I think expecting her to enjoy this side of you is unrealistic.

That's my take on this. Many will say otherwise, I'm sure. But ultimately, it's up to your wife.

Good luck.

[NicoleScott]

I agree with Paula_Femme. You can't change her mind, but you can do all the right things to allow her to change her mind - being the man she married and showing her that your crossdressing is not threatening to her or to your relationship with her.
Don't Ask Don't Tell is not a bad thing. It is an accommodation that allows the survival of a relationship in which a wife acknowledges the husband's need to crossdress but herself doesn't want to participate (see, know the details, etc.) DADT works for those who make it work. Regarding the photos, she knows you have them, and if she wants to see them let her come to you. It is understandable that you want her to see them, but if she isn't ready your aim to move her from acknowledgment to acceptance may move her from acknowledgment to repulsion.
So I only disagree with Paula in her use of "unfortunately" to describe DADT. Yes, acceptance would be better, but total rejection is worse.

[DonnaT]

Likely she wants to maintain, in her mind, an image of who she married. Seeding your pictures will change that image forever. It could even make her think that you would be happier transitioning.

So, unless she asks to see them, don't ask her to.

[Katey888]

Henriette - there is already a lot of good advice from experienced folk who are in a similar situation to yourself - and it is not a bad situation to be in, really...! :) And welcome to the forum, too... :cheer:

I am - as we say - 'totally closeted'... the only people who are aware of me like this are the lovely folk on this forum - and I think it would be so positive and fulfilling to be able to share this with my wife, but for personal reasons I cannot do that now, so I think I can feel how you may want to go further with that - but you are still in a good situation already. Perhaps take your time - it may be more years - and circumstances and our feelings change... she may yet want to see more of you... I hope so and wish you good luck with that.

And you have a great website - very feminine and cheerful - nice pics too! :D

Katey x

[Jenniferathome]

..." Off cource I know that it's a hard question, but how can I change her mind to come over in the green field where all the smile and lafther is, instead of beeing on the red side, where all the struggle is. In other words, beeing supportive and open together with me."...

Henriette, your wife is ALREADY supportive. She knows and you two are still together, still talking. You must understand that SEEING you in girl mode is not relevant to your wife. It is not about being ugly or cute. Cross dressing is weird. She may or may not get over that, but do thank her for being as supportive as she is.

[Laura in NC]

I think I have to agree that your wife is being supportive. Being supportive doesn't mean she wants/needs to be involved. I am one of the lucky few to have an involved wife. She does have the stipulation to avoid the child seeing me en-femme, which I abide by and agree with. No need in adding to what is already a confusing world at their age. Don't rush into trying to get her to "come around", it may force her away.

[Stephanie47]

A lot of times I think this drive to have the wife be involved and fully supportive is based on the man still seeking approval of the act of cross dressing itself. To have the woman who one holds closely and dearly to his heart fully approve justifies what he may do?? Years ago I finally realized I did not need the approval of my wife to the extent of any participation to express myself. I agree with Jennifer. The fact the woman lives with a cross dressing husband is really acceptance. To push for more may be counter productive. Tink is right. A wife has usually not signed to be married to a cross dresser. Be happy with the level of acceptance your wife has shown. If she wants to be more involved, she will probably let you know.



Henriette, you can't change her mind. Only your wife can do that, and given she didn't get a choice in marrying a crossdresser, I think expecting her to enjoy this side of you is unrealistic.

That's my take on this. Many will say otherwise, I'm sure. But ultimately, it's up to your wife.

Good luck.

[kimdl93]

Welcome.

Now, here is the thing. You cannot change her mind. You can talk with her about what you would like. Ask her how she feels about it, and if she's willing, ask what underlies her feelings. It's a bit like peeling an onion, feelings, fears,concerns, prejudices, all underlying our opinions. Sometimes revealing those underlying issues helps take away some of the power.

But it's entirely possible that she can't be as accepting today as you might wish. That is not the final word. Make it clear that you respect her feelings and are always available to discuss anything that might Bo of concern to her. Keep the door open and perhaps one day she may step through it.

[Nadine Spirit]

My take is that no one "gets" a supportive wife and you can't change her mind. She is the only one who can choose to change her mind. People can change their minds if they are open to that process. So how to encourage that process? Openness and honesty. Lots of communication. Lots of open honest communication from both of you. If it something you want, then you need to support it. Don't wait for her and expect her to do it for you.

[Paula_Femme]

Henriette, you can't change her mind. Only your wife can do that, and given she didn't get a choice in marrying a crossdresser, I think expecting her to enjoy this side of you is unrealistic... ultimately it's up to your wife.


My take is that no one "gets" a supportive wife and you can't change her mind. She is the only one who can choose to change her mind. People can change their minds if they are open to that process. So how to encourage that process? Openness and honesty. Lots of communication. Lots of open honest communication from both of you. If it something you want, then you need to support it. Don't wait for her and expect her to do it for you.

Tinkerbell and Nadine both made excellent points! A wife or girlfriend who finds out years - or even decades! - after the fact is going to be dealing with some pretty heavy emotional issues, the main ones of which are usually feelings of betrayal, and of having been lied to for however long it is... this is not something that most wives or girlfriends can simply put to one side then carry on as if nothing has happened.

And Nadine's point about openness, honesty and communication is critical; if your relationship is going to survive, or hopefully thrive, there has to be absolute honesty and trust between you, and that means communication. Even if your wifes "honesty" right now is, "I don't want anything to do with this!!!" it's a start. Keep the lines of communication open, and be prepared to answer any questions your wife may ask as honestly and as candidly as you possibly can, but don't push, let your wife set the pace... she has a LOT to deal with right now.

Wishing you both all the best
Paula

[closetedcd60]

Dear Henriette,
I have been dressing since the age of 7, I'm 60 now. I told my wife about my feminine side when we were about to be married, she said nothing, literally, nothing. During the first year of marriage,she helped me dress about 8 times, I helped her dress, and we had foreplay and lovemaking and the intimacy was intense and explosive (to put it not too crudely). The other times of foreplay and lovemaking were not as intense and it took a lot longer to get to completion. In the second year, dressing stopped and has never resumed. Now she doesn't even want to know anything about it. I have tried to talk to her, but she says "If you're going to "play girly dress up games, do it when I'm not here and never let me catch you at it!" End of story. I dress when she's not here for the afternoon at least. This gives me time to dress, enjoy my femininity for a short while, and put things away before she gets home. Right now she's away visiting the grand-kids, so I get to be Honey (my feminine name) pretty much 24/7 ! But, when she gets home, it's back to hiding my feminine side again. So, in my case there is no possibility of her accepting my feminine side ... EVER. I am just enjoying the freedom while I have it because too soon it will be back to my old sad existence without Honey.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Henriette, Don't push it be happy with what you've got before you loose it all.

[Gretchen_To_Be]

Hi Henriette and welcome. My wife is partially supportive. We will sometimes wear dresses, heels and hose together and she is OK with shaved legs, stockings in bed, and women's PJs. She has purchased some of these items for me.

She doesn't want to see me in makeup or a wig. That's OK, because I'm still working up to that. Like you did I would need to lose some weight before I would be happy with the illusion.

Communication is key, as is knowing when you are pushing too hard. Respect is essential. Life balance is crucial--my wife was concerned this would consume me, then us, but after two Summers where I stopped completely, I think she understands that I control CD, it doesn't control me.

I've noticed that not being so serious about it can help. We will joke about a certain pair of heels or a dress being "not my style", or whether I am checking out a woman on the television because she's attractive, or because I like what she is wearing.

She has come to appreciate a few things, like my style advice, her expanded wardrobe, and even smooth legs under the covers for part of the year.

Take it slow. Don't push. It can happen.

Good luck!

Shibumi

[Teresa]

Henriette,
First of all welcome to the forum and well done with your English.
I was surprised that your wife knew about the photosession and yet she wasn't slightly curious to have a look ! I have just looked at your website, does your wife know about it because you have some very attractive pictures on it.
I can understand how you feel, you're not ashamed of what you do and what you look like so why should your wife have a problem ?
I feel the same way I'm not ashamed of my avatar, I don't feel guilty about CDing anymore so where's the problem?

[Bea A]

I would say my wife is above average in supportive. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday coming up. "Two T-shirt bras and a nice woman's watch" Just got back from shopping for both. We get our nails done together every 2 weeks. I dress almost full time at home and androgynous outside. She tells me when things are uncomfortable for her about my appearance (if it exceeds her boundaries) Lisa is not allowed in bed - only her husband.

[AKADonna]

Agreed that you cannot "Change" her mind, but, given enough time and understanding of her position, you will gradually help her to understand what is making you want to dress up. My wife and I have had "the Talk" and have established some ground rules to my dressing - Never dressed in her presence, Never around friends or family, Not in our local community, Never post any pics on the Internet, etc, etc. I respect those rules and live happily within them. Now, a couple of years later, we'll be out in a department store and she'll point to an outfit or a certain article of female clothing and make a comment like "that might look good on Donna!" and say nothing more. I read this a signal that she is beginning to understand my passion for women's dress. Anyway, not pushing it seems to be working slowly for me.

I recommend that you take your time, don't confront her on her position (which she HAS TO DEFEND and make stronger), and, over time, things will surely get better!

[Henriette7]

Hi to you all and many thanks for all the advises, and also many thanks for those who also took their time to read "My story" on my website.

Inspite that a lot of all the answers is not what I basically wanted to hear, I can feel that you all have a lot of experiences in this matter and all the answers are coming right from your hearts. I will think about all the answers for a while and after that, I will return with "My point of view".

Again many many thanks to you all :-))
Henriette

[MissTee]

Hi Henriette, and welcome. Unfortunately, I don't have any tips on how you can make her like this part of you. If she did not marry knowing it, then that will make it even tougher. It's all up to her, but being patient and understanding of her perspective will help. Good luck.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Henrietta, I have no words of wisdom to impart since the sages have already spoken . I love reading your life story & hope that we can chat after you have the required number of posts. Thanks for sharing & a hearty welcome to the forum. Peace, mel

[heatherdress]

Henrietta - you have already had a lot of good advice. I think you should ask yourself at this point - "Why do you need your wife to look at pictures and why is it so important for you to have her become more supportive?"

If it is OK for you to crossdress, and have photo sessions, and go out as Henrietta, and have a blog - and your wife knows - isn't that enough for you? Why push her? As others have said, be thankful, show her appreciation, understand and accept her feelings - and enjoy being Henrietta.

You are very beautiful and should enjoy the happiness that being Henrietta offers to you.

[Donnagirl]

My dear SO has slowly changed her mind and has become a lot more accepting. I believe she did this out of support and wanting to understand. There are times though when I think that it is all a bit of a struggle for her and deep down she would just like it to stop. I certainly get the occasional flash of emotion that suggests somewhat of a facade. And then she'll surprise me with new clothes or jewelry, insist on a modeling and she'll go crazy with the photos... It's sometimes quite confusing.

I have to be careful not to push at all, let alone push to hard. There is always the trepidation that her acceptance will wane and it's back to DADT / closet for me.

What I can recommend is lots of talking, with lots of active listening, honesty and empathy. As others have said and she has posted, she did not marry a crossdresser and probably would not have if she had been advised prior...

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife and I are in a DADT relationship. She knows I crossdress, and I go out with CD/TS friends a couple times a month. But all she wants to know is when I am leaving and when am I coming home, not even where are you going and who will you be with. We hardly ever talk about anything else.

She doesn't want to see me dressed. She says she is a very visual person, and will never be able to get the vision of me dressed out of her mind.

And yes, you can't change her mind. That's my personal experience, and the assessment of both therapists that I've seen.

Also, some here used the word "Acceptance" for DADT; I would use the word "Tolerate".

[Henriette7]

Hi all

Many many thanks for all the fine reply's I got. I think I came to the conclusion that I will wait for a while before doing anything. I can see from all the answers that this takes a lot of time. Maybe some day, it will go in the right direction and until then I will try to "Do all the right things". Some of you mention that my wife already is supportive, but that was not how I saw things, but still it takes times for her to get used to it. Teresa, no my wife don't know about my website and I have no plan on showing it to her either. At least not before she askes :-).

Thanks again to you all.
Warn regards
Henriette

[Kate T]

Henriette

You can't "MAKE" your wife supportive or involved. Everyone else has said that, it must be her choice. Also it is not all a bed of roses on the supportive side of the fence, especially for a GG. She is constantly wondering "does he want to go out to this event dressed" or "is he expecting to get dressed up this weekend" and worrying that if she asks you not to that she is going to hurt your feelings. Don't get me wrong, an accepting wife is a godsend and in my opinion far better than DADT for both partners however there are still issues to overcome.

What you CAN do is help her to learn more about CD'ing. Offer (don't push) links to good websites, I'm not sure about Denmark but certainly the UK has some great websites from support groups including the Beaumont society. If you can find some examples of gender nonconforming individuals that you respect and you think she might respect then you can find information about those individuals. It will be easier I suspect for your wife to accept and even admire gender nonconformity as a form of self expression in other individuals first. There are a few out there but certainly some names that come to mind readily are Chaz Bono, Eddie Izzard, in the US Janet Mock, Jane Anders, Betty Crow, James Franco, Patricia Arquette, Conchita Wurst (Eurovision song winner), in Australia Major Kate McGregor (speech writer for the head of the Australian Army). These people are interesting not because they are TG but because they are interesting people with a story who ALSO happen to be TG.

Good luck and be patient

[Carolina]

Although it may sound a bit redundant, I can share my experience.
I believe in accepting what you can get from your wife. Mine married a man and is not pleased with my CDing. However with time, respect and assurances she allows my CDing in a DADT relationship. She now buys me skirts and dresses for my bdays since she knows that's what I like the most, but she'd rather not see me dressed. Would I like if she went further and share my dressing? Sure, but I can't push her. As many others said, it is a shock for her. Accepting a DADT relathionship is a big step. If she wishes to go further with time, in my view, it would be her prerogative. In the meantime enjoy her initial acceptance!

[Beverley Sims]

Have patience, do not push the issue and by keeping it out of sight and only mentioning it occasionally she is likely to get curious.

I am talking twelve months or more here.

[kelly0]

Just reading this string. The themes are consistent and, in my opinion, correct.

I am also relatively new to this forum and was married for 13 years last Sept when my wife "found out" out my CD'ing. We're coming up on a year now with her knowing and we are still very happily married and probably closer than ever. I wouldnt say its DADT, we talk about it a lot (and i think thats the key --- communication). But she does not see me dressed at all or even see my femme clothes.

So, like the others, I would def. say take it slow. You will want to accelerate I bet, but you need to temper those feelings with her. If she is going to be more accepting of this, has to be on her own time.

good luck and keep us posted
- kelly

[Windsong]

I do agree with being patient and its so important to me...I still feel like I am being pressured to be more accepting and a part of my partners CD all the time. Each time there is another step forward for him is another cringe moment for me (to put it bluntly). The last one this week was shaving his legs and I much prefer the feel of his natural soft hair instead of the rough course bristles that shaving has brought. We have started perusing websites selling clothing together (I have had training with "Beauty for all Seasons" in color coordination and dressing for body type and personality etc so offered my comments...it was fun). Yesterday one of these parcels arrived. In the past I have respected his privacy and left all mail and parcels addressed for my partner to open. This time we discussed it and he said for me to go and see it unwrapped.... it was still wrapped in a clear bag so I opened it and inspected it with him watching me do so...it was nice dress. I feel that this was a step forward for him and not sure about me...I love him dearly but am not comfortable about seeing him dressed. I do ask him a lot of questions thanks to the import of everyone here on this site. I am trying to understand and accept this part of him even though I do not 'like' it.