Cheyenne Skye
08-02-2014, 10:47 PM
I know I should be in bed because I have to be at work early tomorrow. But I have a bunch of crap I need to get off my (not big enough :Angry3:) chest.
Biggest gripe right now is work. Three months ago I came out to my employer. A large corporate restaurant chain with well known diversity policies. I thought, no problem. Even if it's against their personal beliefs, I should have no problems because everybody would have to abide by company policy. Wrong. At first it seemed like I had quite a few allies amongst the wait staff. That's still mostly true though I get the feeling that maybe a couple were just following protocols, so to speak. There is one waitress in particular that really aggravates me. At first she was like, just give me some time to get use to it. But she hasn't used the right name yet. Just two days ago she comes back to tell me about a special request. It was on a dish that I start and someone else finishes. Then I hear her tell the other cook about it. She ended by saying, "I already told (male name)" so I said loudly, "You told who?" She said, "I told (male name)?" Again I said,"You told who?" We did this dance one more time while I just stared at her. Then she finally got it. She said, "I really am trying." I wanted to scream but I managed a half joking response. "Try harder".
But then there are my fellow cooks. On the one hand, they still treat me like "one of the guys". They haven't given any notion that they have a problem with my transition. They still talk to me as they always have, laughing and joking about whatever topic pops up. But on the other hand, they still treat me like one of the guys. That is to say, now they are usually pretty good with using my new name, but gods be damned if a single person there can use the proper pronouns. It infuriates me to no end. And they use the wrong pronouns right to my face without blinking. For instance, one co-worker came over and said he had just talked to the manager about when everyone would get their breaks (we had quite a few people working doubles). This person told me the manager had told him (the co-worker) to go first. To which my co-worker said to me: "Then I asked when he (referring to me) would get a break." This sort of thing happens all the time and I'm sick of it. I've been known to be a bit of a hothead in the past so I'm afraid if I constantly scold people for using the wrong pronoun, they will just chalk it up to me being the usual @ss that I had been for many years. I'm trying so hard to not be that person, but this atmosphere is dragging me back down.
So you say, go talk to you general manager. I would if I thought it would do any good. When I first came out, I got the impression that he couldn't be bothered with the whole mess even though he was the one going back and forth with corporate on all the paperwork necessary to complete my name change. And I even had to call him out after about a month because even he wouldn't use my new name. Ok so how about this. Go over his head to his boss. He came by our store about a month ago. He even came up to me and told me to call him if I needed anything in reference to my transition. That was after he came over, clapped me on the back and said, "Hey buddy, how's it going?" But then again, this is the same guy who, several years ago when he first got promoted to his current position, took me out back and told me he disliked my attitude so much that I should choke myself on my toothbrush. We have come a way since then but only because he recognizes my skills. Nine out of ten times, if he asks me a question about a recipe, I'll get it right when he himself is wrong. My only other option is of course to call the HR hotline. But if I do that, I fear, my life now would be a cake walk compared to the hell that would unleash.
Then there is my family. I think I can understand why my mom is having kind of a hard time with it. We haven't really been close for a long time and she was the second to last person I came out to. But my sister is another story. She was the second person I told (after my now ex-wife). Two weeks ago, I ended up adopting a cat. The local shelter was set up at the mall and I wandered over and fell in love with little Ariel. Anyway, I called my sister to ask her to take the cat back to her house and watch her while I ran to the store and got a litter box, food etc. (She has four cats of her own) So I get to her house to pick up the cat. We chat a bit and I'm ready to leave. She calls to the cat, "Daddy's ready to leave." I mean come on.:wtf: I told her almost three years ago what I was doing. Hell, I was living with her during my divorce. That was the same time I started taking hormones. And that day I was wearing a low cut t-shirt with a push-up bra. You couldn't help but notice. And she still refers to me as her brother. Should I be happy they are still talking to me at all or just tell them, "Look, call me by the right name and pronouns or don't talk to me at all." But then I really would be alone. It's bad enough rattling around this empty house by myself all the time. But if I need human interaction, my sister is just a walk down the street. If I gave her an ultimatum like that, she might as well live on the other side of the planet, not the other side of the street.
Going full time felt great at first. A great burden lifted from my shoulders. But now the fallout is starting to pile up. And I don't have a shovel big enough. I would talk to my therapist but he left the clinic I saw him at last month and I'm waiting for him to get his own office set up so I can continue with him. I have a potential appointment in two weeks but it's not set in stone yet.
I'm not really sure if I feel any better but tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it will be better in the morning.:strugglin :yawn:
Biggest gripe right now is work. Three months ago I came out to my employer. A large corporate restaurant chain with well known diversity policies. I thought, no problem. Even if it's against their personal beliefs, I should have no problems because everybody would have to abide by company policy. Wrong. At first it seemed like I had quite a few allies amongst the wait staff. That's still mostly true though I get the feeling that maybe a couple were just following protocols, so to speak. There is one waitress in particular that really aggravates me. At first she was like, just give me some time to get use to it. But she hasn't used the right name yet. Just two days ago she comes back to tell me about a special request. It was on a dish that I start and someone else finishes. Then I hear her tell the other cook about it. She ended by saying, "I already told (male name)" so I said loudly, "You told who?" She said, "I told (male name)?" Again I said,"You told who?" We did this dance one more time while I just stared at her. Then she finally got it. She said, "I really am trying." I wanted to scream but I managed a half joking response. "Try harder".
But then there are my fellow cooks. On the one hand, they still treat me like "one of the guys". They haven't given any notion that they have a problem with my transition. They still talk to me as they always have, laughing and joking about whatever topic pops up. But on the other hand, they still treat me like one of the guys. That is to say, now they are usually pretty good with using my new name, but gods be damned if a single person there can use the proper pronouns. It infuriates me to no end. And they use the wrong pronouns right to my face without blinking. For instance, one co-worker came over and said he had just talked to the manager about when everyone would get their breaks (we had quite a few people working doubles). This person told me the manager had told him (the co-worker) to go first. To which my co-worker said to me: "Then I asked when he (referring to me) would get a break." This sort of thing happens all the time and I'm sick of it. I've been known to be a bit of a hothead in the past so I'm afraid if I constantly scold people for using the wrong pronoun, they will just chalk it up to me being the usual @ss that I had been for many years. I'm trying so hard to not be that person, but this atmosphere is dragging me back down.
So you say, go talk to you general manager. I would if I thought it would do any good. When I first came out, I got the impression that he couldn't be bothered with the whole mess even though he was the one going back and forth with corporate on all the paperwork necessary to complete my name change. And I even had to call him out after about a month because even he wouldn't use my new name. Ok so how about this. Go over his head to his boss. He came by our store about a month ago. He even came up to me and told me to call him if I needed anything in reference to my transition. That was after he came over, clapped me on the back and said, "Hey buddy, how's it going?" But then again, this is the same guy who, several years ago when he first got promoted to his current position, took me out back and told me he disliked my attitude so much that I should choke myself on my toothbrush. We have come a way since then but only because he recognizes my skills. Nine out of ten times, if he asks me a question about a recipe, I'll get it right when he himself is wrong. My only other option is of course to call the HR hotline. But if I do that, I fear, my life now would be a cake walk compared to the hell that would unleash.
Then there is my family. I think I can understand why my mom is having kind of a hard time with it. We haven't really been close for a long time and she was the second to last person I came out to. But my sister is another story. She was the second person I told (after my now ex-wife). Two weeks ago, I ended up adopting a cat. The local shelter was set up at the mall and I wandered over and fell in love with little Ariel. Anyway, I called my sister to ask her to take the cat back to her house and watch her while I ran to the store and got a litter box, food etc. (She has four cats of her own) So I get to her house to pick up the cat. We chat a bit and I'm ready to leave. She calls to the cat, "Daddy's ready to leave." I mean come on.:wtf: I told her almost three years ago what I was doing. Hell, I was living with her during my divorce. That was the same time I started taking hormones. And that day I was wearing a low cut t-shirt with a push-up bra. You couldn't help but notice. And she still refers to me as her brother. Should I be happy they are still talking to me at all or just tell them, "Look, call me by the right name and pronouns or don't talk to me at all." But then I really would be alone. It's bad enough rattling around this empty house by myself all the time. But if I need human interaction, my sister is just a walk down the street. If I gave her an ultimatum like that, she might as well live on the other side of the planet, not the other side of the street.
Going full time felt great at first. A great burden lifted from my shoulders. But now the fallout is starting to pile up. And I don't have a shovel big enough. I would talk to my therapist but he left the clinic I saw him at last month and I'm waiting for him to get his own office set up so I can continue with him. I have a potential appointment in two weeks but it's not set in stone yet.
I'm not really sure if I feel any better but tomorrow is a new day. Maybe it will be better in the morning.:strugglin :yawn: