Is it any wonder

[kimdl93]

In Paula56's recent trip to England, including dinner and an excursion with her friend, Jenny Turner, she mentions that for the evening she forgot she was transgendered and simply felt like a woman. I think many of us who have the privilege of getting out and experiencing life with friends and/or family can relate to that feeling.

After giving it more thought, it occurred to me that something special occurs with crossing that threshold from self conscious wariness to being at ease with who we are. And then it occurred to me that perhaps this transformational moment is where many of us decide not to go back, or at least return only reluctantly and temporarily to our drab male existences.

[Teresa]

Kim,
That happened just today to me, I don't usually venture into the garden dressed but I took a drink out and laid on the recliner. I don't usually wear perfume but today with the warm weather and the scent I felt no inhibitions and fell soundly asleep for over half and hour ! I didn't wake in a panic but felt totally at ease, it really is a great feeling !

[CynthiaD]

For me, it's interacting with others while en femme that brings me across the threshold. When I do that, I feel like I'm where I belong. At these times I have no desire to go back.

[Robbin_Sinclair]

And I can't have that where I live. Sometimes I hate that. Virgin fkn Islands. So small. But that's my life.

Living with the girls on this site is as good as this part of me gets. But I can bake a cake or make chili (non-Texas cook off but veggie) as good as any of the girls. And I can help other people stay sober and drug free. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm good.

Sigh. :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

I don't reluctantly return as I'm good both ways but what you describe is absolutely fascinating Kim and I know the feeling.:battingeyelashes::)

[ReineD]

And then it occurred to me that perhaps this transformational moment is where many of us decide not to go back, or at least return only reluctantly and temporarily to our drab male existences.

I asked my SO about this. She said that she used to hate getting back to guy mode.

This was when she still felt constrained and by this I mean that in her mind there were still barriers to the dressing. In her case, the barriers were internal (her own feelings about it) rather than external which means not being able to dress at will because of a job, a non (or reluctantly) supportive wife, and/or kids in the house, fear of being discovered by key people, etc.

At the time my SO's internal constraints were twofold: she was still feeling uncomfortable about going out dressed (the possibility of being read as a guy and the angst that goes along with speaking out loud to people, etc) even though she loved the experience every time. It's hard to describe. I guess going out took so much emotional energy that each time it felt as if it might be a long time before the next, but for internal reasons rather than external (since obviously there was no one preventing her from dressing). But most importantly, she was feeling guilty for taking the time to dress (getting ready to go out took more time than it does now) and not spending the time working when she felt that she had other things she should be doing. So she felt guilty until she found a way to work WHILE she was dressed. She eventually combined work and dressing, by taking work with her and a laptop to wi-fi cafés, and then having lunch or doing errands, or shopping, etc. Prior to this, the dressing was such a big deal that she could not concentrate on getting work done at a café while dressed because she was unduly concerned about other people's potential negative attitudes when they saw her. She also had a misplaced idea that it was better to go out with me in the evening in guy mode than in girl mode (this was in the beginnning of our relaitonship).

At any rate, all her angst and guilt disappeared when it came together for her eventually and dressing became more fluid, more elastic. There was no more guilt, she didn't feel as if dressing took time away from the other things, and she stopped feeling awkward about people that she interacted with knowing that she wasn't a GG. She then felt that she was no longer constrained and she could dress at any time she wanted to (her work hours are flexible). For example, she could go out in the morning and plan classes and correct assignments, get back to guy mode to teach in the afternoon, and go back out dressed in the evening if she wanted to. Or, she could go out during the day, and spend time at the office in the evening to catch up on work if she wanted to. Or, we could go out together in the evening (she realized that I was truly supportive and dressing didn't take time away from "us").

This is when it became no big deal to go back to guy mode. Her barriers had disappeared. I dare say that for most people, the barriers are external even if they involve feeling subconscious guilt over dressing when they know that this does bother the people they are in relationships with. This takes up a lot of emotional energy.

[Katey888]

Intriguing thoughts Kim...

Perhaps that even influences those of us who are still closeted... by that I mean, we can still get that feeling of completeness via the transformation on our own, but perhaps part of our fear of going out or interacting and reinforcing that comfort positively, would be the fear that the reluctance to return to 'normal' would also grow beyond control...

The thought scares me, being a rational person... :)

Katey x

[PaulaQ]

I can certainly identify with this feeling. I realized that what I felt, when presenting out in the world as a woman was simply happiness. I'd never really experienced it before. I realized that I was really a woman, that my interactions with people felt more natural and authentic because this is who I really was.

I didn't have just a reluctance to go back in the end - going back to male mode was sheer hell. At this point, if you pointed a pistol at me, and said "dress like a dude or I'll kill you dead here on the spot," I'd take the bullet.

Sometimes this reluctance to go back to guy mode is because some of us aren't really men.

Just something to think about.

[Beverley Sims]

I have had moments where I am not concious of being dressed and carry on as normal.
It is a bit of a jolt when I come out of the apparent trance.
I have usually been enjoying myself and am reluctant to change back.

[Adriana Moretti]

if im dressed...i have trouble getting undressed...i dont want to stop...i dont want the night to end...however somewhere around noon...i turn into a pumpkin...

[carhill2mn]

When I am in public presenting myself as a woman I feel more alive! I am more aware of who and what is around me. I enjoy interacting with others. I enjoy the attention that I get from clerks, etc. which happens much more when I am en femme than when I am not. I do not feel like a man who is wearing women's clothes.

I delay reverting back to male mode as long as possible. This is especially true if I am wearing a pretty nail polish. I often plan my male outings so as to spend as little time as a male as possible. I consider a day when I am not en femme as a day wasted.

[Persephone]

Perfectly stated, Kim. I think you nailed it.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kim, Once my wig and makeup goes on and I see that lovely lady in the mirror smiling back at me
I forget all about the male part of my life.:daydreaming:

[Claire Cook]

Kim and Cynthia, Paula and Carole, you have so crystallized just how I feel when I am out and about. I feel accepted as me; I'm more assured, comfortable, wanting to meet and interact with others (mostly other women). Yes, Paula, I think it's because this is who I really am. Reine, like your SO, I'll go back to male mode when I have to -- but sometimes I feel less comfortable doing so.

[ArleneRaquel]

Thank you Clair for your wonderful post. I have many of the same fellings.

[PaulaQ]

It's not so much that our male existences are drab. For some of us, they are simply wrong - they are false, fake, phony, just not authentic. We live our lives for others - we act how they expect us to act. We often put their comfort (or often with the case of presenting as a woman, their discomfort) ahead of our own comfort. We often live in fear - fear of discovery, disapproval, social stigma, loss of employment, loss of relationships, sometimes loss of our lives.

Who the hell wants to live like that?

I simply refuse to do it any longer.

If I could emphasize anything to the genetic women on this forum, it would be this:
It's not that life as a woman has some magical properties that make it vastly better than life as a man. It's just that a life lived as someone you aren't is a life of misery. The greatest gift you can give someone is allowing them to be who they truly are. Even if that means you can no longer be with them.

[Suzanne F]

This is a great topic for me right now. I have come out almost everywhere but work now. I spend as little time as possible as a male. I did however go away with my supportive wife for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. I wanted to make it about her. It seems it has been all about me during this transition. So I told her no Suzanne for the weekend. I kept my agreement and we had a nice time. I did feel out of place at times with the world but not with my wife. She treats me as me, Suzanne, no matter how I appear. It just was nice for her not to have to bear my burden all weekend. I am glad I was able to make the weekend about her. I hate that she has to go through this transition too when she didn't sign up for it. Anyway I am rambling now. I guess I am doing my best to take care of my family while being me. It isn't easy!
Suzanne

[Michelle (Oz)]

Once again Reine you make it so easy to answer. Almost perfectly put for me ... perhaps one difference is that familiarity with people and place has been more important than overcoming guilt.

The transformational experience comes from being out frequently. Many folk I come into contact with know me, accept me and treat me as a person called Michelle.

I don't have acceptance at home so reverting back at night time goes with the territory and not something that I regret. Male mode is so much easier than femme mode and my loving wife wants and gets her husband.

[charini.shermin]

Hello everybody......

I am new to this forum......have joined only yesterday....

for me.. it is a little different...I like being a guy as well.....but that is only half of myself....because there is this woman inside me who wants to liberate herself...I have been in closet for years now... but the lady in me can wait no longer to come out and express herself....be her feminine self.....


www.charini-shermin.blogspot.com

[kimdl93]

I'd love for someone to synthesize everyone's comments into a summary, there's so much here if value. I do think that for some of us, there can be a defining moment the either alters the trajectory of our lives or accelerates the pace down the path towards life changes. I also would acknowledge that closeted or public there may be for both the rush of endorphins and the crush of withdrawal when one must change back to drab. And I suspect that Reine's SO, having escaped guilt and fear of self expression, is very much at home in the life she has. This is just as Paula suggests, not a rejection of masculinity, but of finding another place that feels and fits better.

[ReineD]

And I suspect that Reine's SO, having escaped guilt and fear of self expression, is very much at home in the life she has.

Exactly. I used the pronoun "she" in this thread, but my SO has explored gender expression to its very end (for my SO) and determined that she/he is not a woman. There was a time when this was in question, when the feminine expression took wings and flew and was both exciting and troubling for my SO precisely for reasons of guilt and fear. It was then he determined that he is not a man either, not like men who have no inclination to present as a woman. So my SO (pronouns are really problematic when the binary doesn't apply) is very much at home in the life s/he has, free to present the way that suits the mood, with no or very few constraints. And many times there is no gender, it doesn't matter what the envelope looks like. Gender does not get in the way of likely the biggest part of my SO's identity, which is an affinity for high level creative research in a rather abstract field. My SO has primarily identified as a person deeply embedded in this research interest since a very young age, it's as much a part of him as any limb, just as I identify and have always identified as an artist. There is no gender in this, it's all about the work, the feelings my SO and I each get when things click and when we each successfully express what is in us to express (nothing compares to this in terms of self-fulfilment), as if there is no separation between hand, eye, medium, subject, idea, thought, and execution. It's like feeling as one with the universe, in a way that truly does transcend gender, at least in my understanding of it.

[Teresa]

Reine your situation sounds almost unique, a very special place that I shall never reach !
One aspect I can relate to is how much I enjoy my painting and the difference dressing makes, it's almost like unleashing both sides of me and as you say your partner has no gender, it's all working as one ! I wish I could experience it more, I just don't live in that environment !