Do they believe how bad you feel ?

[Teresa]

This is really a two part question, the first part is based on some members saying they don't need to dress everyday and can often go days or even weeks before dressing again.
My Cding started at about 8-9 yrs and every single day to the point now in my sixties I have to mentally push the thoughts aside to try and do the normal everyday things, and if I was totally out and accepted would possibly dress everyday.

So my first question is do you have that daily mental struggle or do you have gaps when it comes and goes ? I'm disregarding external triggers that might put the thought there !

The second question is based on that daily struggle.
When you come out about your CDing do you find people don't believe how much you're struggling mentally or do they think you're exaggerating for an excuse to dress ?

I've come to the point now where I can't mentally fight it anymore, my CDing has got to come out !
I posted a thread a while ago about being lazy or something is changing ! That change has got to happen because I'm struggling to function !
At the moment I'm living two lives, one on the forum, where I'm discussing our shared problem, hopefully helping others and having some fun ! I know I'm spending too much time on the forum but the shutdown button means literally that, I enter a real world of isolation through lack of acceptance !

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I am going to dispense some thoughts which are just that thoughts and should in no way be taken as a way ahead for you but more so how I see things in my own perception of being TG. I see a lot of threads and advice about coming out to SOs (tell the truth it is the only way) and friends (they'll understand and if they don't who cares). While I don't deny the voracity of those stances, I also believe that if a person can live quite comfortably in the closet keeping what they do to the privacy of their own world, continue to be a good an decent person/partner with no emotional stress, then there is no compelling reason to come out to the world.

In your situation (if I read it correctly) you are at an emotional impasse. Specifically, your desire to dress/express/present is now intense enough that hiding it is causing your stress. This differs from the person who is happy doing his/her thing on their own in private as there is no emotional distress. Hiding and repressing can have disastrous results so when you reach that point, you have to think about your own emotional well being as well as those close to you. This would be the point where I would recommend that you have that talk with your wife and explain what is happening with you. Will it go well, I cannot guarantee that (nobody can) it is a probability of .50 in either direction. However, I do know (from personal experience) that if the emotional distress is so extreme, it will affect your relationship through spill over. If you are miserable hiding, you will become moody, despondent, and eventually angry (at life in general). This will affect your relationship (it did for me).

For me I do know that when I came out (luckily it went well) the emotional distress evaporated and now I dress when I feel a need to express Isha but for the most part I stay boy me. So there is no longer an internal struggle per se only synthesis of two identities. My wife and I have discussed the "what if" at great length "What if I want more and it becomes too much for her to handle" . . . we both agreed that should that occur we will try to deal and compromise but in the end, we are both prepared to walk away. Not because we don't love each other anymore but more we know at that juncture we cannot travel the same road.

Hugs

Isha

[hope springs]

The longest ive gone without dressing since recently coming out is 10 days. Id say my max is a week before i get a really anxious to dress. It doesnt bother me on a daily basis. So far im only out to 2 people so i havnt had to deal with people questioning my frequency. If you need to dress daily it sounds more gender dysphoria aka on the trans side of the spectrum rather than pure CD. But im far from an expert. Good luck girl, we all know its a struggle

[sometimes_miss]

Based on how people respond when confronted with a crossdresser, it's pretty apparent that a lot of them believe it's simply a choice we made to wear female clothing. Just like a lot of people still believe that homosexuality is a choice as well. Some are polite about it, some, not so much. Unless you personally experience gender dysphoria, it's pretty hard to know how it feels. Kind of like people who have hallucinations; to them, it's just as real as anything anyone else experiences. My ex never understood why I couldn't 'just stop it', she took it as a personal insult that I continued to crossdress after I found out how much she wasn't comfortable with it, and that belief probably had a lot to do with why she was so angry as we divorced. She didn't understand that it wasn't something I did, it's something that I am. And I think that's the generally held feeling about us by most of society; they see it as a recreational activity.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Wow, Teresa, this is really sad. Im so sorry you are feeling this way. I'm wondering, too, if my H suffers this way, and on the same token thinking 'oh lord, if he does, we're kinda doomed'. :(

I hope you can figure this out soon as you only get ONE life and you can't live it feeling this unhappy. If crossdressing makes you happy, I think you need to go do that. Forget why you need to do this, because I think we've all given up on that one, lol. But go do it anyway, and let your wife find her happy elsewhere.

Does this seem like a rash response? Honestly, it's the only response. I think we've also figured out that I feel a lot like your wife in all this and there's really only one thing that would hurt me more than my H leaving me, and that's him staying and pretending to be happy, all the while wishing he could just live freely as a crossdresser. I think we would fast become enemies in this scenario. That's the truth, and I only tell you that because I know you get me :)

I would want my H to leave if he was having these thoughts. Maybe he is...and maybe that's our future. But that's what I'd want.

Huge hugs x

[Tina G]

About 2 months ago i had enough and got to a point where i couldn't take it anymore. Started telling my closest friends and even more a short while later. Everyone has been supportive and i've yet to have a friend say they aren't ok with it. I'm dressing a lot more now and slowly going into public. It was a struggle before switching roles all the time and being stressed with the anxiety going from drab to my true self behind closed doors. I feel a lot better now and the struggle just isn't there, my friends know i go to a therapist and they also keep asking how things are going and if i need any help. I'd say that i am lucky in that i have a large support group that really does understand the struggle i had before and they just want me to be myself.

Tina

[Kate Simmons]

If you can enjoy being yourself in either mode, that is great and that is the point I have come to. It's totally my choice who I want to be and when and I hold the reins. Of course being retired makes that easier I'm sure as I answer to no one but myself and have no undue pressures either way. In this case I never feel bad whatsoever, just feel like myself.:)

[noeleena]

Hi,

Sometimes miss,.

i wonder many here are dressers okay yet heres something iv thought before ,

Im not a dresser okay ,yet i do is it seen in the same way as many here would say they dress because of and we all know those reasons yet i wonder if you for get i dress for other reasons , is there a likeness .

leave out what i am that does not matter you all know any way ,

I dress because of my background and my heritage being from Prussia = Germany , to me i miss when im not in my garb and when we have our camp im in my elliment yes a whole week 250 of us no other clothes just what i have i dont take your mandan or your girle clothes ,

so i travel to and from camp fully dressed as a Wench or Chatelaine, i hate it when im not in those garb - clothes , 1/2 day there and 1/2 day back .stop and talk to others as needed and see Jos as well,

so do you think this only apply,s to dressers, think about us maybe we are not seen as a dresser , yet we do and if not more than many here, so who are the dresser.s,

allso i can bring in my Edwardian dress code same again we dress for our do,s,

you dont all have it your way you know think out side the box about those of us, yes okay we are female same apply,s , i thought no im not one of you here , i am you know,

...noeleena...

[NicoleScott]

I think about CDing every day, evidenced by my checking in here every day, sometimes several times. But I can't and don't dress every day, and I can live with that. I see opportunities in the future when I will have the private time and place, and I seem to be able to focus and prepare for that time rather than get bummed out because I can't dress every day. I'm pretty much an all-or-nothing dresser, so my dressup sessions require several hours - no quickie throw-on-a-dress-for-a-few-minutes for me. So no, I don't struggle every day when unable to dress, and I wonder if those that do are really "just" CDers if their inability to express their femininity every day is so upsetting.

[GailNightshade]

Im one of the lucky ones and the Mrs encourages it. She at least tries to understand even if she isn't attracted in any way. I don't really have friends so that part takes care of itself and a few of my family members know and are accepting including my super macho exmilitary brother (he only picked on me a little bit).
So, i would say yes. If they truly know and love you, they will understand or make an attempt to understand your plight

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Teresa

To me it seems you have come to a fork in the road where you will have to make the choice were you see your life going. I will admit that I too are sometimes consumed by the thoughts about/need to dress and likewise, I do not have nearly as many opportunities as I would like. My wife obviously likes to keep a tab on it and minimize it for her sake, whereas I normally try and push the envelope a bit. It is only natural that both parties will try suit their own needs.

You will have to decide where you want to go with this. Dress up more and drive the wedge between you and your wife deeper, or try lessen the impact on her by dressing less. The first instance could lead to separation and the second to stress/anxiety for you (as it does for me). Both roads are not easy, and having chosen one, you will probably look at the other and experience some form of trepidation.

For me the choice basically boils down to this: How strong is your need to continue your life with your wife? If you can see yourself living separate lives you know what the answer is. If you want to continue life with her, you will have to find ways to lessen the impact of the need to CD on your life. Hard as it is, you need to find something to pull your mind off CD'ing. Tough, as I know only too well what an all consuming force it can be.

Please note that I am preaching to myself here as well since I do not see separation as an option. I do think that, though this need is stronger than all of us, (otherwise we wouldn't be on this site!) we can still exert some measure of control over it. We do not let other impulses (like smacking some idiot on the head!) dictate to us so why do we let this?

As always everything in this life boils down to the choices that we make. All said and done you are probably more confused now.

[Renee Elise]

Hi Teresa,

It's an interesting ride with this...sometimes the need to be a girl is all consuming, particularly if I haven't been able to dress in awhile. Other times even if I have the opportunity I'm content just to lounge in my sweats as a guy and watch baseball. The feminine thoughts for me are kind of like a sine wave. I do feel way better as a guy out in the world when my inner lady is happy too though :).

No doubt this is a tricky thing for us to figure out...good luck girl!

Xoxo,
Renee

[Amy Fakley]

I think it's a little like trying to explain what the color blue looks like to someone who has been blind since birth.

Someone who has never experienced gender dysphoria could never really understand the emotions involved. Add to that, from the outside, it seems completely ridiculous ... what you mean you're feeling stressed out and depressed because you can't wear women's clothes?. I mean, honestly it does sound like a punchline.

My wife believes me I think. She certainly seems to be able to tell when my gender issues are gnawing at me. As far as being "an excuse to dress" ... well I suppose if you change "excuse" to "reason". Yes indeed, that does seem to be where the rubber meets the road. Because if I never felt that way I probably would never have cross-dressed in the first place.

Hang in there, Teresa. I think most all of us have been in that place where it's just boiling under your skin and driving you crazy.
It's like Cowbell Fever, there is but one cure, LOL. Hope you find some "me time" soon :-)

[Lynn Marie]

I'm just a simple CDr. I'm happily unattached and I'm free to dress anytime I like. I can go anywhere I like anytime I like. Yet I only dress up a couple times a week! I'm pretty sure it's the restrictions put on your CDing that is so frustrating and just makes you desire it all the more! I have other interests, hobbies, and projects so that what was once an obsession is now just another interesting highlight in what is now the very best years of my life.

[Henriette7]

Hi Teresa
I think I know exactly how you are feeling. I have the exact feeling in periods where my dressing is far away. Often it is for me a matter of doing a lot of other things in the family, things that takes all the time away, but also a wife that try's to keep you busy and out of dressing. I would say that I also have a daily struggle with no dressing, but it seems to me that after the dressing part is over, the dressing feeling goes away for a short period. You should consider how you want your life, do what you feel about deep inside, do not suffer with a daily struggle just to function as a normal human being. Talk to your friends about it, after all that's what life is about, helping each other :-)

All the best to you
Henriette

[CynthiaD]

Hiding your true self is super stressful. That's the main reason for coming out, to relieve that stress. As far as explanations go, most people won't be interested, so don't bother. My "outings" are all to people who I encounter unexpectedly while en femme. I don't make announcements, and I never "explain." My attitude is "Yes, I'm wearing a dress today. So what?" I'd be happy to explain if someone asked me, but nobody ever does.

[MsVal]

Oh, Teresa, I hear the pain in your words.

I wish that I could say something or offer some advice that would ease that pain.

As I recall, you are retired, you are with your wife all day, and she is unaware of your crossdressing. Dressing, and suppressing the desire to dress is occupying your mind to a greater extent every day, it has become impossible to ignore, the internal struggle is wearing you down, and it is affecting your ability to function. You believe that disclosure would provide relief but wonder if it's the wise thing to do.

I can identify with that situation, point for point.

I read everything that I could and found no way to make the anxiety go away. The dear ladies on this forum reported many cases of disclosures gone well, and many that had gone bad. That only added to the confusion, doubt, and pain.

I over analyzed it and came to these simple conclusions: I could do nothing and have 100% certainty of being more miserable every passing day. I could disclose to my wife and have an even chance of success or failure. If successful, then the misery would diminish. If unsuccessful, the misery would intensify, potentially to the point of divorce, but would then diminish.

It was clear that doing nothing was the worst thing that I could do, but doing 'something' carried the risk of intense, though temporary misery. I chose to disclose. That was about two and a half months ago. You may have read of my experiences in this forum.

Be very clear on this: the disclosure was painful for me and for my wife. Many hurtful things were said and tears were shed. I wondered if I had done the right thing. Those were dark days, dark as the days following the death of my first wife. But then a wonderful thing happened. Decades of shared love brought us through the worst part and the sun began to shine again. We each wanted the best for the other, and would do whatever it took to keep our marriage going.

Since that time our marriage has actually improved, and interestingly enough, the urge to dress has diminished. Dressing still occupies much of my attention, but the shame, guilt, and remorse are gone. I am no longer overwhelmed with anxiety.


As for whether or not people will believe you, many won't, but that's immaterial. You are the only person that lives in your body. You have sacrificed your own mental health for others for your whole life. It's past time that you begin to think of yourself. It's not being selfish to care for your own health, including your mental health.

I'm not going as far as suggesting that you disclose, but if you do, there are many sisters here that will guide you down this path they walked before you.

Best wishes
MsVal

[JessicaJHall]

Great post, Lexi. Thank you for sharing your experience, mine is similar I think, and it's nice to feel I'm not alone.
I am, however, heartened by the way many of the younger people are embracing LBGT and other forms of blurred gender boundaries, and rejecting the "choice" idea.

[Teresa]

I must thank you all for responding to my thread. Some have misunderstood the mental struggle I was going through, it was the suppression of not wanting to dress because of the shame and guilt, rather than needing the freedom to dress !

My thanks go to Isha , Jenny and MSVal their words are so true because I know they've been there !

Since being on the forum I have managed to talk to my wife on three separate occasions so she is beginning to understand and to some degree accept but the door never remains open, the words have been said, so the problem must go away again. I don't expect it to be the subject of every conversation but it would help if she brought the subject up occasionally, especially when she has admitted how much it's hurting me.
So where I go from here is the question, I've explored most options. Therapy proved to be wasted breath because it requires input from both parties to really work, and that didn't happen. After a really low point Prozac was prescribed until both my wife and doctor became concerned about long term side effects. The problem with medication is it lifts you enough to carry on but also it makes CDing feel more acceptable because the low feeling of guilt and shame have gone away.
Coping asked in one of her replies why I stay married ? Well I've just celebrated forty years, I have two great grown up kids and three lovely grandchildren . I live in a nice house in a good sized plot all paid for, to trade all that to go off and dress up with no guarantee of happiness would be senseless !

Talking is the only solution but how much my wife is prepared to listen I can't answer ! I said I would never denigrate my wife on the forum, my CDing isn't her fault. Sadly after all these years I have to accept she married the wrong person, despite giving all she could ask for !

I guess it brings me to the thread in Loved ones about honesty, when do you tell the truth ?

OK so I'm a Brit ! We're suppose to have stiff upper lips ( even with lipstick on ! ) I've had my moan, I'll just have to get over it and do my best !

[LelaK]

Side effects of psychotropic drugs are scary, as per drugawareness.org.

[Jilmac]

Theresa, I used to be in your high heels. I too have been dressing as long as you, but was unable to come out about it until after my wife passed away. There were many struggled throughout my life and even though my wife knew of my desire to dress, she was very much against it. Since coming out, I can be myself wothout the daily struggles or thoughts hounding my brain.

[sandra-leigh]

Earlier on in my progression, I would go through periods of 2 days to 3 weeks where I found that on my first couple of levels of thought, I didn't care one way or the other about dressing. The shopping urge was gone, clothing stores looked boring in the same way that they do to guys, I couldn't be bothered to go to my cross-dressing group, I couldn't be bothered to dress more obviously (e.g., wear a skirt to go get groceries), times when I wondered why I was interested in cross-dressing at all. I continued to wear stealth female clothes at work, but that was partly out of habit: for example if I had to wear my old guy jeans for a couple of days, the only distress I felt was with respect to knowing that eventually I would fall back to the more stressful trans mindset.

But when those times came around, I was feeling empty about almost everything. No ambition, no care about what I was eating, no push "back" to male, no stress about the situations at home. I was alive, I did my duty by going to work, nothing positive happened, nothing negative happened, all I had was a vague satisfaction that I got through another day.

Well you know what they say about anti-depressants: that in removing the lows, they can also remove the highs, leaving you unable to feel much. I think it was like that. Might have been exactly that.

These days, years later, I am 24/7 living as female in the community. But I encounter days of thinking maybe it would be okay to "go back to" male instead of going forward to the name change and (later) legal gender change. But these days, the mental image I have of that includes continuing to dress "obviously" at will. Not as "cross-dressing" but because that's part of who I am. If I working and I needed to fill out "M" or "F", I would (in that situation) fill out "M" on the basis of... well, habit in part, and just not experiencing my female self-identity strongly enough to go through the struggle. If, hypothetically, one had known oneself as male for decades, then if one self-identified as 40% male and 60% female, then as long as one was permitted to occupy the middle ground in practice, making the change to female official might not be important.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I must thank you all for responding to my thread. Some have misunderstood the mental struggle I was going through, it was the suppression of not wanting to dress because of the shame and guilt, rather than needing the freedom to dress !

So, you can dress, but it produces feelings of shame and guilt when you do, so you have to get over those feelings to be able to dress?

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi Teresa.

I feel your pain. Yesterday I felt an awful lot stronger and felt it my "duty" to give you a kind of "man-up" speech. So I did. Today I feel a lot more empathy to your situation. I feel like crying myself. Why can this not be easier? This life. I know that if we didn't struggle with this thing, we would probably struggle with something else. I feel so weak.

We look up at people with physical disabilities making a success of their lives (Nick Vujicic case in point) and we think "How come they can achieve what they do despite their problems?". Our gender identity is as disabled as their bodies are, but because they overcame their physical disabilities we are expected to overcome our gender "disability". They get public support for obvious reasons, we are swept to the sidelines, ostracised, marginalized, told to "man-up" because there's nothing evidently wrong with us - no physical disability. So we struggle and have to pay someone (psychiatrist) to be willing to help us, because those "closest" to us would rather not hear of it, it is just a perversion after all. An inconvenience that they would rather not entertain, they don't realise what the price is for us who battle this every day. When people with "acceptable" disabilities/issues struggles get to them, help is at hand, when we come to the end of ourselves we get to well... the end of ourselves. So we stretch it a bit further, till we get to the end of ourselves, so we...

So yes I get depressed as well. I am depressed right now. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I last dressed and I can assure you I feel it. I get "ice-pick" headaches from time to time. It feels as if someone stabs you in the head, almost as in that movie with Sharon Stone, but it's over within 20 seconds and there's just a lightness in that area for a while afterwards. Neurologist said it's an unexplained thing that you just have to live with. Yesterday I thought what if it's something worse and I die? Well at least my struggles will be over then, was the first thing that came to mind. No more crossdressing related issues, what a heavenly thought.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, I'm as miserable as you seem to be. Regarding the stiff upper, I'm a Boertjie (Afrikaner) so I'm not even supposed to like you (history and all), yet I feel a kinship with you due to our shared dilemma.

I'll put up a new avatar now, maybe that'll cheer me up.

Have a great weekend (sic).

[Lidea]

So we struggle and have to pay someone (psychiatrist) to be willing to help us, because those "closest" to us would rather not hear of it, it is just a perversion after all. An inconvenience that they would rather not entertain, they don't realise what the price is for us who battle this every day.


Luckily for some of you, those closest to you do hear you, some of them listen or experience it quite often. Actions sometimes speak louder than words.
But I know you didnt write this out of your own experience, more as a general comment.

Wrt people with disabilities... they often tend to look at the life they have, their abilities and are thankful for what they are blessed with. They put their focus on the little good in their life instead of focusing on what they wish they had and allowing that to swallow them whole.
And then again you get people who will see this Cd thing as an enhancement, not a disibility... almost a best of both worlds thing...:eek:
But that goes for everybody. Dont we all tend to look at what we dont have, and miss out on what we have. I am also depressed, for the past 2 weeks because of the CDing in my marriage, but I also didnt talk about it, because I also fear the one closest to me would not want to hear it.
I also feel like Ive stretched myself... and also this morning hoped I can just die in some accident, just to be released. Inalso feel dead/numb on the inside.
But then I looked into 5 pairs of innocent eyes, and realised that I have to shift my focus.
And yes, dear, I know it is way more difficult for the CD.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Teresa, If I couldn't dress at least once a day I would probably go off the deep end.

[Nadya]

Keeping your needs hidden often drains on your emotions. I'd echo what a lot of people here are saying. My experience is that keeping this a secret has a lot more negative consequences on your emotional state than you think. I know this because after I told my fiancé about it, I felt a huge weight lifted from my shoulders and started feeling happy (I didn't realize I was miserable before). I do think about dressing daily (ex. looking at shoes, outfits, thinking about conversations with CDing friends, etc.) but that doesn't always lead to wanting to dress that day. I think my significant other does somewhat understand that I have struggled with my self-acceptance and other mental issues associated with dressing. She's been great for the emotional support.

[Windsong]

Noooooooooooo I didn't understand how 'bad' you would all feel. Guess I was too busy worrying about how "bad" I felt and not seeing it personally through another's eyes. Looking at it all through your perspectives is humbling to say the least. We are, every single one of us, all beautiful souls deep down inside and always need to remember that.

[Lidea]

Maybe Im going off the road here, but I was just wondering..... and Im specifically talking to the men who knew and still got married, hiding it from their wives (those who developed or realised it afterwards... I am sorry to say, but I have no understanding of that...)

As my husband, Jenny, so nicely put it... gender identity disabled....
If a CD marries a woman, who he thinks or knows wont be accepting or supportive, why does he still marry her? Isnt it like a person born with only one leg, and to help him with his problem, he goes and have another arm made for him....
Even if you love a girl, to marry her, just because you love her, and then gradually, as you all say, with small steps and alot of talk, you hope she changes and accepts, or even better, supports you.
If you wanted a supportive or accepting wife, then you shouldve married one.
I didnt want to marry a CD... I wanted to marry a man man... but I did marry a CD (and I do love him) without knowing, because he decided not to be open about it, risking losing me.

So no, we might not always know how bad you feel etc, but it is not fair to expect some things from an SO that they didnt sign up for.

Thank you for allowing my rant. :argue:

[Teresa]

Lidea your answer to that is many of us struggle to accept our CDing, possibly many think it will pass, marriage may be the cure ! The other point is, I was still a fully functioning male who despite being a CDer wanted a loving relationship with a woman ! You and Jenny have five great kids, and they're your future Cding or not you should try not to affect their future !

I will pick up the point Jenny made about other people's ailments. My brother-in-law is a manic depressive, he has had the whole family rallying round and supporting him, despite that he is a very successful farmer. He has cried on everyone's shoulder and called all his therapists quacks , even the one I saw. I have to listen to him while he denegrates his family while I suffer in silence, thinking I'm still trying to do my best for my family and function enough to go out week after week for thirty years to photograph weddings.
This another reason why I'm saying I'm entitled to let Teresa have some time, so where's my support ?

[Lidea]

Thank you, Teresa, for you calm answer after my rant.
Im not at a good place currently, feeling some resentment.

Just to show that I feel for you, here is a hug. :hugs:

[NicoleScott]

Lidea, I agree with Teresa, Especially for those of us who found crossdressing sexually exciting, many of us married with the sincere belief that the desire to crossdress would be replaced with the desire for our new brides. We were wrong, as they are separate things, but we didn't know it at the time, especially for those of us who married pre-internet and were totally alone with our crossdressing. My deception was not intentional. Even so, there were consequences, and I accept responsibility.

[PaulaQ]

@Lidea - when I got married, I was in denial. I was deeply ashamed that I'd CDed in the past, and never intended to do it again. Many of us go through these same emotions. I didn't want to face that I was a woman, because transition seemed like such an impossibility. I mean, just a total fantasy, like becoming a billionaire. I loved my bride-to-be dearly, I still do. I knew she was the love of my life. I also knew that the moment I breathed a word of this, we'd be over. So hey, I was never going to do it again, so I just never told her.

How was I supposed to find an accepting woman? I didn't understand what or why I had these feelings all my life? If I told ANYONE, I knew I could be outed, losing friends, my job, all sorts of consequences. There were no models I knew of that would've shown me how to be authentic, how to be myself, and I damn sure couldn't imagine any woman who'd tolerate my past, much less how to find them. Because its not like there were a bunch of happy, out, hetero CD couples I could come to know in Dallas back in the 90's.

Even today, a CD/TG who's outed could lose their career. I know many who have. They face derision, ridicule, and sometimes violence. It is not an easy thing to be out and transgender. I am, and I know how it is. I'm pretty lucky too - I passed fairly well before HRT. Most do not.

I think younger trans have a better shot at finding a partner and being open. More women now can admit to their own bisexuality, for instance. Past a certain age, its sort of like one person with a secret trying to find another with a secret. And even for women who aren't bi, but just don't mind a gender variant spouse - how would they ever discover they were OK with it or even enjoyed it?

@Teresa - to answer your question, no, nobody understood the pain my gender dysphoria caused me. Not even after I attempted suicide last year. The only person who really seemed to have some idea was my son. When I came out to him, he stayed with me for a few days, and ultimately just told me to be Paula around him, because he could see the misery of being a man written on my face.

The last time my wife saw me, I presented as a guy. That was 9 months ago. We had business to close between us in Oklahoma. It was a miserable day, but HRT made it more bearable. She wanted me to do it anyway - she couldn't bear to see me as a woman. It was the last time in my life that I'll ever appear as a man. I'd rather die than do that again.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

So much heart ache and pain here!! :( And yet, whenever a 'cure' is mentioned on this forum almost everyone bands together to chant 'we don't need one!' Honestly, reading here makes me think y'all do. This can't be a healthy way to live, can it?? I don't even see social acceptance as the issue anymore either. There seems something much darker at play...a sense of broken self maybe...like split personalities. I mean, it's very, very difficult to be on the other side of all this and hear someone say they want to die because they can't wear a wig and dress. How are we seriously meant to understand this?? Surely, your external presentation isn't who you are? Why do you need wigs and dresses to be yourself? It really doesn't matter one whit what I'm wearing...I'm always just me. Why can't you be Jenny or Teresa or whomever in your guy clothing?

I guess it's that 'fractured' thing again, and it really does make me sad that this happens to men. I just don't see how living as two distinct people can be healthy??

Anyway, big hugs to everyone here. Life is short and for many today (think Gaza, Syria etc) life is also filled with horror. Perhaps a little perspective is needed? We could all get taken out by Ebola tomorrow, so maybe appreciating what you do have and not what you don't is a good start x

[Desirae]

I have the daily thoughts that keep me "sometimes" from accomplishing what I need to do. Rarely, do I have 100% focus on any task. My head is a whirlwind most days. Even if I'm not dressing, my head IS, if you know what I mean. I guess that's the GD. It can be a struggle sometimes, I have to admit. It's a lot more than it used to be. It's been pretty bad for about a year or so now. Triggers don't even come into play anymore. What's in my head is more than enough. I can't answer the second part of your question.

[Lidea]

PaulaQ, thank you too for your explanation. Although I still am not planning on becoming supportive, I definitely try to become less judgemental and irritated by it. And as Tink saud, it is really sad that one's happiness can be defined by appearing as something you are not born to be.
I do feel sorry for you.
Hugs
Lidea

[Jenny Elwood]

Hi

Tinkerbell, I just want to clear something up. I don't want to not live anymore sometimes because I can't wear a dress and a wig when I would like to. The reason I sometimes don't want to live anymore is because of the collatoral damage caused by CD'ing. The price it extolls on people, relationships an obviously myself. The relationship with my parents. How it affects my wife, our marriage, my kids and the values we are trying to vest in them. The fact that this thing can be generational and affect them or my grandkids one day. So many broken lives, all as a result of my disfunction as a son, a husband, a father, a grandparent one day. Me not being able to dress is only 10-20% really. But then I find the strength to go on again because I know the damage of me not being there will be a lot more.

Besides, crossdressing is still fun and guess who gets to dress tonight?

[PaulaQ]

@Tinkerbell-GG, Lidea


I mean, it's very, very difficult to be on the other side of all this and hear someone say they want to die because they can't wear a wig and dress. How are we seriously meant to understand this?? Surely, your external presentation isn't who you are? Why do you need wigs and dresses to be yourself? It really doesn't matter one whit what I'm wearing...I'm always just me. Why can't you be Jenny or Teresa or whomever in your guy clothing?



And as Tink saud, it is really sad that one's happiness can be defined by appearing as something you are not born to be.

So I'll answer you both from my perspective, and based on my own beliefs, which I feel are backed by current scientific research.

The first thing I'll say is that I firmly believe that those of us who are gender variant, from cross dressers, to gender queer people, to transsexuals like me, are born this way. Current neurological research suggests that gender variance results from abnormal hormonal conditions during pregnancy. These can result from issues that occur in the mother during pregnancy, or can be genetically induced - some babies are insensitive to certain hormones that are needed when the baby's sex develops.

The brain, in particular, is one of the last organs to develop differently based on sex. It's well known, and easily demonstrated that intersexed people exist. I have a friend (who's also trans), who was born with a fully functional set of male reproductive organs, as well as a set of ovaries. These things happen with our reproductive organs, so it's entirely plausible, and good evidence is currently being gathered to support this, that these same types of issues can happen during the development of a baby's brain.

So in the more extreme cases, like me, you literally get a male sexed body with a female sexed brain. A transsexual, like me, is, really literally, a woman trapped in a man's body. This is such an intrinsic characteristic, that you can't change it - my brain is literally wired differently than a man's - it's more like yours! It's literally easier to change the body to match the brain than it is to rewire the brain to match the body. You can't change the gender of someone's mind without destroying it.

So I was definitely born to be a woman. I just have a genuinely awful birth defect - namely a penis.

OK, fine, transsexuals - but this is the cross dresser's forum - why am I talking about transsexuals?

I believe that ultimately it will be shown that the root cause of much, if not all, cross dressing, is ultimately the same as the cause of transsexualism - neurological differences that occur during fetal development. I think that cross dressers don't have a fully female identity formed. Perhaps the extent of their neurological differences are lesser than those of a transsexual. Or maybe many more of them would transition, were it more socially accepted and easier to accomplish. Perhaps their internal resistance is greater, or the male portion of their brain is more developed. We don't know, and it'll probably be a while before we do, because scientific research on cross dresser's is pretty lacking, quite frankly.

My conclusion is that we are just born this way. Just like gay people, the brains of folks on the trans spectrum are just somehow different. (In fact, current research is focused on the hypothalamus.)

As for why the clothes made a difference for me - and why I think they make a profound difference for many here - our clothing tends to root our identities in certain respects. When I wore my man suit, EVERYONE expected me to be a man - the man they'd always known. These expectations wore on me so heavily because I was not a man. Moreover, my wig, my breastforms, my makeup, all of those things made me appear as my brain told me that I needed to appear. Seeing a man look back at me in the mirror, feeling a male body was just wrong - it felt horrible. Everything about it was just totally wrong.

Maybe this analogy will help explain what I felt. Imagine you are taking a cross country trip in your car. Some miles down the road, a little too far to turn back, one of your warning lights and buzzers starts to go off. But nothing is wrong with your car. As you travel along, more and more warning lights and buzzers and alerts start to go off. The din inside your car from all that noise is deafening. It's hard to pay attention to your speed because of all the stupid warning lights that distract you. By the time you reach your destination, days later, you are out of your freaking mind because of the way your car is behaving. It's just an awful experience to be in your car.

I think some of the CDs on this forum experience a similar feeling, it's just less intense. Perhaps only a few warning lights are going off for them.

So I have to respectfully disagree with the statements from both of you fine ladies:
1. We are definitely born to be this way - it's who we are.
2. We don't need a cure - society does. People expect we are totally determined by our genitals, and we just aren't. Sure, most people do conform to the behavior that would be expected of someone of their sex. But not all of us do, and society's inability to deal with this is a big part of the problem. We hide who we are, and lie about it all, because in most cases growing up, we are given no other real choice.

I don't mean to imply that this situation isn't terrible for the SO of a gender variant person - it is horrible for you too, and it really isn't your fault at all. The problem is, society isn't willing to deal with us as our authentic selves, whether that's "just a CD", or a TS. So you get hurt in this process too. It sucks for us all. :(

[Nadya]

Well said Paula!

[JocelynRenee]

PaulaQ, thank you too for your explanation. Although I still am not planning on becoming supportive, I definitely try to become less judgemental and irritated by it. And as Tink saud, it is really sad that one's happiness can be defined by appearing as something you are not born to be.
I do feel sorry for you.
Hugs
Lidea

Before I get into my view on this subject, let me be very clear that I respect wives such as Lidea and Tink. Wives who are blindsided by the revelation that their husbands are T* have every right to feel whatever emotion they feel. You earn kudos and respect for spending time here, contributing your perspective, and trying to find a way forward in your own relationships.

That said, I think it is useful to acknowledge that there are two different perspectives at play. You say we are pretending to be something we were not born to be; I say I am behaving exactly as I was born to be. You say it is sad that our happiness depends on not accepting our true nature; I say it is sad that you cannot accept the truth that this is what makes me happy. It is a simple truth that I am T*. It doesn't become untrue if I can't explain it or if someone else can't understand or accept it.

In my view we find ourselves struggling on opposite sides because we don't value truth above all. Everyone wants a great spouse, friends, job, house, etc. but what value do any of these things have if they don't rest on a foundation of truth? It's obvious why we choose to hide the truth, but shouldn't it be equally obvious that living a lie leads to loneliness, fear, and loss?

My first long-term relationship was six years of bliss, marred by fear of discovery. I loved her and she loved me...right up until she discovered my secret. Then she hated me and worked 24/7 to destroy my life. Did she have to be so vindictive? No, but the truth is she was. The bigger truth, though, is we should never have been together in the first place. I wasted six years of my life and she wasted six years of her life. No more.

Every person in the world has to accept that I am T*. They don't have to like it. They don't have to understand it. That's their truth. My truth is that I don't need them.

[Sharon B.]

I think about it every day but can't do it as often as I would like to, I have other things that I need to get done but will have nail polish on my toenails and will be wearing panties under jeans or shorts. I hope to it on Sunday and Monday of this week but at this time I can't say one or the other I will be doing it. I can say I will be thinking about out 24-hours in the day I think about it 14-hours or more.

[Beverley Sims]

An interesting problem Teresa, I do not have the mental struggle but I do just get on with it and enjoy life when I can.

Posting on here is a good outlet for me.

[ReineD]

This another reason why I'm saying I'm entitled to let Teresa have some time, so where's my support ?

Teresa, I'm going to ask you some very specific questions.

1. How much time, exactly, do you have to dress on a monthly basis? Once per month on average, once or twice per week?

2. And when you do dress, how long can you remain dressed? Is it when your wife is gone shopping and you only have a few hours? Or do you get a solid block of time on a regular basis to dress? (I'm assuming a level of dressing that matches your avatar, which is full makeup and full female presentation.)

3. When you do dress, does your wife know each time, or do you dress without discussing it with her before hand for example you dress mostly while she is away? In other words, would you consider your relationship DADT?

4. If your wife does know that you are about to dress before you actually start dressing, does she give you her blessing, even though she may not be involved?

[Teresa]

Reine, At the present time I would have the opportunity to dress 2 days in the week when my wife babysits and 2 evenings when she covers amedical walk in centre and possibly most weekends when she does the same, they are only opportunities which I may not make full use of, possibly half of that time. So I do get solid blocks if I choose, I may underdress or fully dress but very rarely with makeup and wig.
There is never any consultation, I don't ask permission she never suggests I can dress, she is literally letting me get on with.
I think she feels she's giving me this short window of opportunity before she fully retires knowing how much I've desperately struggled for so long in the past. These are all assumptions, also don't forget I've only come out even to the level I'm at now since joining the forum last December. After all these years I would never have dreamed that I would be talking to other CDers and their partners.
Reine I hope for whatever reason I've given the answers you needed.

[ReineD]

The point of my questions is, if you feel at all constrained then it will make the need to dress all that much more urgent. This undoubtedly feels as if you are being deprived and that your family members are not knowing "the real you". People who can dress at will, who do not have to wait until a spouse is absent, who do not worry about having to change back before she comes home, etc, do not obviously fight it mentally as you described in your first post ... or at least this is the case with my SO and I dare say everyone else here who also has freedom. They know that they can dress whenever they want to and the need to dress doesn't seem to take on such epic proportions that I sense you experience.

You might also be worrying about what will happen when your wife does retire. This must be making things worse, since you do not feel that you can dress in her presence. We had a member who was in shoes similar to yours, who went through very difficult times when his wife retired. Like you, it was a DADT arrangement.

I don't know you or your wife. But I do know that oftentimes, crossdressers make it worse for themselves when they imagine that they cannot talk to their wives about their needs for fear of driving the wives away. So my point is that as long as you are not honest with your wife about your need to dress without having to be constantly looking at the calendar or the clock for her absence and return, you will experience the feeling you describe, that you are fighting something epic that can no longer be suppressed.

It's up to you, you can continue to live this way if you want to. But I don't think that you have to. You might say that your wife doesn't want to hear about any of this, but if she loves you I dare say that she would be shocked to know the degree to which you often feel uncomfortable to the degree that you describe here. She may be much more accommodating than you feel if you take your courage in your hands and are honest with her.

I need to add a caveat. If you were to feel as if you were TS and had to transition it would be one thing (few wives are prepared to live a public life with another woman), but if you desire to dress at will in the privacy of your home, or attend support groups, or go out occasionally in the next town over dressed, this I believe is something that can be quite manageable. And once you do feel more free mentally, I do not think that you will want to dress all the time. I think there will be lots of times when you will be happy to be your guy self, for example when you are with your friends and your grandchildren, and even when you are doing things with your wife.

[Aly Cat]

That struggle doesn't go away even if you are out to everyone and everyone accepts you. It's a daily struggle. I am out to everyone in both my personal and professional life and am 4 months into transition. It is always in my mind. I have a French manicure, wear makeup, style my hair feminine, and wear women's clothes full time regardless of work or home. I work in a customer facing retail environment and no one questions me. I am free to be me... And yet.... The struggle is real. Dysphoria still hits, I still get depressed that I'm not a GG, I hate my male features, and how long it's taking for my features to change. I think anyone who is TG, regardless of where they fit in on the spectrum, feels emotions similar. It's this longing to let out inner expression.

[PaulaQ]

@Aly Cat - no one who's body and mind aren't congruent can understand the horrible feelings we experience. The most sympathetic cisgender person will never experience anything even approximating what we go through. The horrible wrongness of my body is one of the most ghastly experiences I've ever had, and believe you me, I've experienced many, many other quite unpleasant things.

[ReineD]

That struggle doesn't go away even if you are out to everyone and everyone accepts you. It's a daily struggle. I am out to everyone in both my personal and professional life and am 4 months into transition.

Yes, I know. There are TSs who transition, and there are CDers who want to express themselves with freedom, who do not feel the need to transition. You are obviously TS :), but the mistake is in assuming that members who hang out on this side of the forum and who do not post in the TS section, feel as you do. My earlier remarks were addressed to CDers and not TSs.

There's an old joke: what's the difference between a TS and a CD. The answer is 2 (or 3) years. I've only ever heard transsexuals say this, not crossdressers. So I wonder if most TSs do think that everyone who wants to present as a woman is a TS in denial?

[Isabella Ross]

Reine, well said. I think for me and many other gurls I have talked with, being TG and dressing part time is a joyous thing...and certainly, since coming out to my wife and gaining the freedom to be girl anytime I want, has removed all of the negativity from being TG. And yes, I do consider myself transgendered...I am transgendered, therefore I need to dress and express myself as a woman regularly -- but not always, and I am also happy in my male skin. Having said that, anyone such as Paula or Aly who is clearly TS and feels they're in the wrong body clearly has my sympathy for having lived with that "horrible wrongness of body" and any circumstances that prevent them from changing. And while we have differences, I see everyone--TG, TS, etc.--as sisters...we're different, but we're all in this together somehow.

[Coping2014]

Coping asked in one of her replies why I stay married ? Well I've just celebrated forty years, I have two great grown up kids and three lovely grandchildren . I live in a nice house in a good sized plot all paid for, to trade all that to go off and dress up with no guarantee of happiness would be senseless !

Talking is the only solution but how much my wife is prepared to listen I can't answer ! I said I would never denigrate my wife on the forum, my CDing isn't her fault. Sadly after all these years I have to accept she married the wrong person, despite giving all she could ask for !

I guess it brings me to the thread in Loved ones about honesty, when do you tell the truth ?

OK so I'm a Brit ! We're suppose to have stiff upper lips ( even with lipstick on ! ) I've had my moan, I'll just have to get over it and do my best !

I remember asking you that and the reason I asked is you sounded as if there was nothing of any happiness in your life - I even read it again to be sure before I asked you that question. I guess my question for you was more for me - if my husband was not happy (as unhappy as you stated you were) then I'm PRETTY sure it would have an effect in every day life. Moody, anger, distance, etc. I as the wife would wonder and feel as if it was me the reason for this and I don't want to EVER be the reason for my husbands unhappiness. It would just kill me. I mean we are married to have and make a life together - to be happy together or at least purse it! I may not have 40 years in but I'm not a newbie to marriage either - we will celebrate our 22nd next month and I do hope to have that again and MORE! But I don't want to stay married out of convenience. My husband and I are new to the whole CDing he only came out in May and we are working on it - it is better than it was but I still don't get it. I love the person he is becoming but I still don't understand the dressing aspect - and as you all have pointed out many times I probably never will. If we come to a point were it is too much for me (I don't know what that is or if it will ever come to this but it is just me planning worst case scenario in my head) I hope we can split amicably as we too have children. But I don't want him to stay if he's not happy and has to compromise himself out of who he is - that isn't fair to either of us.

As far as your comment of talking being the only solution - are you bringing it up? I literaly had to drag it out of my husband in the begining - he is much better about sharing now - THANK GOD! But sometimes you just have to speak your mind. In a respectful manner mind you - there is a sense of tact that is needed in approaching this subject as to not harm either parties feelings. In the begining my husband and I would say - "give me the benifit of the doubt and hear me out I'm sure I'm saying this wrong but it is the only way I know how right now- help me express it better once I'm done with my thought - then he or I would say what we needed to say or ask. We are better now and don't say that now we just know it's implied - we love one another and have no intention of setting out to hurt the other so we know it is more about us just not knowing how to express it. There is no right time to bring something up. I mean ya don't do it when you can tell she is OBVIOUSLY stressed or mad about something else. But if it is just a regular day and nothing else is really happening just say you need to talk - that you know there is no right time but it's weighing on you and you need her to hear you out.

Coping2014

[hope springs]

Very well put coping... my wife is still a little bit in denial. She really doesnt wanna hear my take on dressing. As such ive been curious about her internal dialogue. I hope hers is as emotionally honest and forthright as yours. All we can do for spouses is be open and honest.

[Coping2014]

Hope springs,

Thanks I try to be as honest as I can. I know at times that probably does hurt my husband but I want him to know exactly where I am and in that I hope he does the same for me - even if I'm not ready for it. The other day we discused the issue I see when I read posts of someone struggling with telling and then they finally do WHEN THEY ARE READY. Well then they kind of hope that the other is ok with it in a short period of time and that isn't fair - they got the time to struggle with the idea and hash it over in their head for how long? Don't the SO's that they unburden this on to deserve that same amount of time? But no they want (or hope) that we will process it and all will be fine. I have told my husband if he has something that he is thinking about or struggling with I want to know - I want the same time to process stuff so HOPEFULLY we are on a similar time frame to work through things or at least a much closer one that where we started at. For me the whole CD thing came out of left field for me and it wasn't on my radar at all so it was heartbreaking. I'm still not ok and ALWAYS think of worst case scenario - just my nature I'm a bit of a pessimist.

Talking about everything is the easy part for me I like to talk lol but the reality of it is more difficult. I don't know what I can take so I have told him to just do what he feels he needs to - he says he tells me everything so I am prepared if he does. We have said if it's something that we (or I) can't deal with we have decided to have me just say - I think I'm having trouble dealing with this I need you to stop or change or whatever the case may be. There have been a lot of things I didn't think I could deal with that I have been ok with - buying him stuff I don't care for it and it still feels really weird and odd everytime but it doesnt' kill me to do it either. But I wouldn't know this if I didn't just bite the bullet and do it either. I am worried that something I said I was ok with will one day not be ok anymore but we have talked about this too and agree that we just need to KEEP talking and share that if it becomes the case. SO communitcation has been our saving grace - and the fact that we truly love one another. If we didn't I don't believe I would even be at this site as it wouldn't be an issue and we would have parted ways.

Coping2014

[Tracii G]

Maybe its just me but I can go weeks at a time and not dress 100% girl mode and feel no ill effects.
I still think about it tho'.
I dress 50/50 everyday so I do feel femme everyday in some way.
Internally I am femme all the time thats just the way I am.I guess I have found a way to cope with internal feelings better than some people here.
Some days I want to scream it on the mountain top and tell everyone I know but in reality I know I can't.

[hope springs]

Hope springs,

I am worried that something I said I was ok with will one day not be ok anymore but we have talked about this too and agree that we just need to KEEP talking and share that if it becomes the case. SO communitcation has been our saving grace - and the fact that we truly love one another. If we didn't I don't believe I would even be at this site as it wouldn't be an issue and we would have parted ways.

Coping2014

I have heard some GGs say they started off OK with many things, but down the road grew to dislike certain aspects of CDing. Dressing is a gigantic monkey wrench in a relationship. If you can pull through this, all else is a cake walk. Anyway, wouldnt surprise me if your feelings change down the road.



they got the time to struggle with the idea and hash it over in their head for how long? Don't the SO's that they unburden this on to deserve that same amount of time? But no they want (or hope) that we will process it and all will be fine.

Fair enough. My circumstances are a little different. I realized, in an epiphany, that i was a CD. About twenty minutes later I told the wife. I didnt struggle, nor conceal. I really didnt have any clue i was CD until about 5 different puzzle pieces about my life and personality all pointed at being a CD. I am accepting person, so I accepted this about myself. I feel for those that hide it for years. And feel equally for the SOs that are blind sided, like yourself

You mentioned love as well. Thats the hiccup, the glue, the salve that keeps us going in our relationship, despite the CDing. Many here, myself included, are madly in love with their wives. Knowing our wives could leave, we still disclose this anyway. Risk it all. Why? My guess (since i never did have to hide it) is its too much a part of us to hide forever. Its too cathartic to not partake in it. Its an expression of ourselves too real (to us anyway, yeah.. we are a dude in a dress) to not have it in the open eventually.
I know the why (for me). Yet I still have to do it. I wasnt a happy person before. Ask anyone I know. Cordial, friendly, astute.... but not happy. Now Im slowly getting happy. Emerging if you will, from a self induced emotional slumber. I cant be sorry for dressing, its so intrinsic to my being, but i can be considerate of my wife's needs and feelings. You may never really understand it, I barely do. But if you love one another, I mean love the crap out of each other.... then just hang in there. He may eventually help you see it in a way neither myself or other forum members can.
A big hug for you coping, and the very best wishes for you and your husband.