I believe I am getting it now!

[Anne Elizabeth]

As time moves on and my wife has asked for a move and has moved 6 hours away I am getting it now. Yes we don't want a divorce. Yes we want to find a way to continue to stay together. But, In order for that to happen (partially to her occupation) I have to bury my real self. So the reality of the situation is be myself, transition, lose my wife and 30 plus years of a relationship, or bury my self and live with a terrific friend that I have lived with for all those years. As I have always said it is not just a decision to transition it it a decision to divorce or not divorce.

So I get it now fully in reality! I now understand why some have gotten to the point of live or die. It gets so over whelming. I just wish I could have been born completely as one with body deformity and none of this stuff to deal with. Right not it is hard to find happiness in life. I am just existing as a shell no use to anyone. I only do because I have to. I am tired and worn out to a nub. I am tired of my life and see no future. This sucks!

Anne Elizaabeth

[Chari]

Life continues to change for all of us Anne, and you have shown the strength to continue on a positive path! The past has become history, and soon will be just a memory. It is time to begin to discover what is best for YOUR life by looking forward to something that is pleasant for you, each & every day. We cannot please everyone, so you've got to please yourself. Enjoy.

[stefan37]

You do not have to do anything you do not want to. Yes it is a difficult decision and there is pain regardless of the direction you move. You do have a choice. Do you want to continue to live with no purpose as shell of who you are or do you want to experience life in all its moving glory.

I am not going to tell you transition is a cakewalk and your life will magically be better. It is a brutal, public process that involves a tremendous amount of loss, self exploration, conflict. Stay strong, own it and when you emerge you will feel invigorated with a zest for life.

I am experiencing exactly what you are describing. My 31 year marriage will end in divorce as soon as the courts make it official. I didn't have to transition or I would kill myself. But like you I felt as if I was going through the motions and not really living. I was suffering from daily anxiety. Transition has been the best thing I could have done For Me. I am invigorated. I watch what I eat, exercise daily, alcohol and substance free for 3 years. My business is thriving,, I am involved in many clubs, organizations and activities.

Transition is a difficult process that throws many challenges at us. It was extremely difficult at first. I haven't had facial surgery, I have a male challenge hairline, but as I live as myself and become more comfortable the easier it does become. Knowing what I know now, if I had to do it over I would absolutely do it. Only you can make the determination how you want to live your future.

[Jamie Hugs]

This is such a sad story, my heart goes out to you. Just be completely honest with yourself and don't be to hard on yourself this is the only shot at life you got so do what makes you happy. Xoxo

[arbon]

It will impact every relationship you have - wife, friends, relatives, work. There could be a lot of loss and loneliness. You need to be very determined if you do it, and figure out how you will get through it all if things go bad.

[Persephone]

So sorry to hear of what's going on in your life, Anne. Yes, sometimes it does seem overwhelming, but many of life's situations can feel that way, not just this one.

I tried to think of words that would let you know that like many others here I care about what is going on in your life. Eventually I settled on one, and it isn't as effective as in person, but consider this an e-hug.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Suzanne F]

Anne
I am also trying to make my marriage work and be me. It hasn't been easy and there is no guarantee it will last.
I am just taking one day at a time. I feel like me now and I wouldn't trade that. There is more to do and more trials ahead. We are not alone!
Hugs
Suzanne

[Rachel Smith]

I cashed out of a 28 year marriage and felt exactly as you do, just a shell, not really alive. It was hard leaving a very cherished friend but what is worse is she won't even talk to me anymore. So yes it hurt then and still does now but I have found my true best friend now in Michelle. She is truly a Godsend. No transition wasn't easy and it's still not but at least now I am ALIVE. It took me one attempt at ending it all to realize it was time to take action. PLEASE don't let it get that way for you. It's just not worth it as you hurt those that truly do love you, not that your wife doesn't. Remember she married a male and still wants a male, it is no more her fault that she feels the way she does then it is yours that you have these feelings. It's was more difficult leaving the familiarity of everything I had know for so long then losing her.

If you are not in therapy get there ASAP. Being in the physc ward for 2 weeks seeing a therapist every other day helped me a lot. You need to search inside yourself to find out what you need to be happy. I would have never found that without the help of my 3 therapists and the wonderful ladies here. Maybe it's transition, maybe it's not.

I wish you well what ever decision you make just make sure it is the right one for YOU.

Hugs
Rachel

[Anne Elizabeth]

Thank You all for your great thoughts and comments. I really appreciate them.
I have tried so hard to be and do right and now at this point in my life when I should be enjoying it with the person I chose to finish life with I am alone, working a job that I hate, trying desprately to find a purpose in live. Yes I have been to a counselor and am planning another visit soon. You right I don't have to do anything I don't want. However, the problem is I feel like I am backed into a corner and again have to do the right thing. Also what I want and what I have to do are two different things. That is live a multiple choice of things we all chose in order to live as we think others expect us. I am tired of living up to every bodies expectations. I am ready to screw it and live a life worth living. It is just when I am rock climbing there is always a life line attached. But jumping off a cliff is a different story.