What would/did it take to become comfortable with and accept yourself?

[dreamer_2.0]

Today's therapy session was quite thought provoking. As usual she asked many questions and attempted to challenge my thinking. She asked how my life would be different if I were a woman to which my response was that I believe I would start living life, something I have not done in quite some time, if ever. She followed by asking what has kept me from living life now? I explained it was the GD which affects me any time I leave the apartment so I feel it's better/safer/easier to stay in the apartment. She then asked what it would take for me to feel comfortable outside, living? I gave several answers: female body, hair, to be treated as female, to completely blend in as just another woman, etc. My therapist commented that this is putting a lot of value on external factors and raising the bar pretty high for the beginning. She asked if it were possible to lower the bar for now and repeated asking what it would take for me to feel comfortable outside or even comfortable to take more steps towards these goals? I hadn't really thought of this before. I've put so much emphasis on my appearance and how I'm perceived by others I hadn't really considered much else. I fumbled for an answer and settled on self-acceptance. I guess I need to accept myself and find comfort and pride in who I am. The next question, you can probably guess, was what would it take for me to feel this way? I blanked. I've spent a lot of time resenting this side of me, I honestly don't know how to accept myself, let alone be comfortable and prideful. My thought patterns have followed a certain path for so long I feel blind towards any positive light that may come from being trans. She said the glass might be half empty but it's also half full, focus on the full. She then proceeded to compliment me saying that I had a tiny frame which goes a long way, I'm gorgeous and have wonderful eyes and cheekbones. Aside from the small frame (which I am grateful for) I disagree with her though she said that is because I'm so critical of myself and my self-image is so distorted from what the world sees. I am not too sure how much of that to believe. I mean, she's essentially a paid friend so compliments feel hollow despite her assured sincerity. I do agree my self-image is quite poor and I'm concerned it may drop more during transition. I have struggled with self-image for an eon it seems and have no idea how to change anything so deeply rooted. I suppose now I have no choice though, the self-image has to change somehow.

So I'm curious, what did it take to become comfortable with and accept yourself? Was there perhaps a defining moment?

In other news, I've now been on HRT for 1 month and 12 days. Crickets are still chirping. Next appointment is on Monday, I foresee a dosage change.

[SassySal]

Simple. SRS.

[Rianna Humble]

For me, Becoming comfortable with myself began with accepting who I am and taking steps to show that to the outside world. Whilst I won't be complete as long as my health issues prevent me from having Gender Conformation Surgery I did not wait to be complete before accepting myself.

[Kathryn Martin]

yes it really is simple, it's SRS. In that I agree with Sassy Sal

[arbon]

I'm pretty comfortable and accepting of myself without srs. It does not mean I don't want it or that I will never have it, but I'm not going to be sitting around being miserable and afraid to be who I am until then.

Getting to that point though, where I am okay for the most part with myself, took actually living and expressing who I am, and doing the the things I could do externally to help how I looked, like hair removal and hrt. My insecurities are nothing like they used to be, they are greatly diminished.

SRS alone is not going to give you the confidence to be yourself.

[dreamer_2.0]

See, SRS was one of my answers as well except my therapist seems to want me to accept myself long before surgery. I told her that as long as I felt masculine, as long as I felt "me" down there then I would have a very hard time accepting myself. Despite that though, I believe she is right. I don't think chopping off Willie should be the moment you finally accept yourself...I mean what if you put absolute faith in SRS being the defining moment of self-acceptance, have the surgery but then still not accept yourself? You're kind of screwed then, no?

Arbon - That's great your insecurities are diminished. That'll be me one day, I think, I hope...I think.

Kathryn & Sassy - Am I to understand that there is no self-acceptance until SRS from your perspectives? How did you find that?

Rianna - Your dedication is very admirable. Any idea if it's contagious? ;)

[Kathryn Martin]

...I mean what if you put absolute faith in SRS being the defining moment of self-acceptance, have the surgery but then still not accept yourself? You're kind of screwed then, no?

I think it is a fallacy to think that issues with self acceptance is unique to transsexed or gender variant people. In a sense, it is the driving force behind the development of every person. In fact reflections on who we are both inside and out motivate change in how we think, feel and act in the world in which we live. The entire beauty industry banks on one one facet of this to sell it's product. This is important to remember.

Transsexed people, however have a problem which is is very uncommon and goes far beyond self acceptance in the usual sense. Our bodies deny who we are because they are defective. This not about cutting off the Willie, or breasts, this about having a body that makes us able to act in our world in the manner in which we are compelled to act because of who we are. Having a defective body is the absence of being whole. Having SRS makes us whole. It is really that simple.

What your therapist talks about is in many ways quite mundane: welcome to the world of the living.

[noeleena]

Hi,

How would life be different if you were a woman

How is my life as... a ...woman . by being born a female to start with......and i was ,female that is,

how did i think my life would be,

first, by growing as a woman just not quite the same as a normal woman who has her womb i dont that was not part of my bodys organs, other wise a mix of both male and female,

Did i know i could be a woman , yes at age 10 in the way a kid would think ...OH. YES.....i knew i would live as a normal woman ,

in every way as is normal for an intersexed female can be .

How do you think,

like any normal woman does , hard wired one way, = thoughts about having my own child and understanding what a hell it is not to, you have a compassion that only women know and feel, and for those who cant give birth,

How can a person be asked how would your life be different if you were a woman , cant the person is not a woman to start with let alone being a female, unless your female to start with only females can answer those ?,s not men, simple is it not.

I was never asked if i was comfortable with my self being the way i was / am and i never ever ? nd myself because of how i was born , i knew and this was ./ is who i am acceptance of my self age 10 when my mind woke up and not before then,

...noeleena...

[Nigella]

Self acceptance is the biggest barrier to being comfortable. You need to be able to look both inside yourself and the mirror and accept the person that you see. SRS is nothing more than a procedure to remove an ugly lump that should not have been there in the first place. SRS is the icing on the cake that should have been baked long before you ice it. :)

[Jannis]

I have found that when one perceives a problem either within themselves or outside their personal being, such as, their surroundings or employment, they believe they can escape the problem by changing their physical location or their body. What happens is, that no matter the destination, you will take the problem with you, unless it is dealt with and resolved. Do not go to full SRS and expect everything to be what you want. Resolve your inner demons first and then decide where you want to be. Keep working with your therapist. Good luck and hugs to you.

[Angela Campbell]

I figured out what i really wanted, I determined what i needed to do to achieve that, then worked towards that goal. The closer i get, the better it is.

[Kimberly Kael]

It's an interesting challenge that almost certainly varies from person to person. Someone else's truth is unlikely to be yours, but you can borrow ideas and perspectives until you find a combination that makes sense. There wasn't one defining moment for me, but there were several important breakthroughs.

There was the week I spent 100% en femme at Diva Las Vegas, out and about, mixing and mingling. Where a lot of crossdressers at the event hit their saturation point, I wept at the end of the week as I faced returning to my former life. That helped me understand how fundamental presenting as female was to me. During the same week there was a night out dancing. I've never felt comfortable dancing in my life, and suddenly it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

An epiphany that helped was the realization that there's no woman out there who is completely happy with her life and her body, but most find a way to get out there and lead productive lives, find love, and look fabulous. So my challenge wasn't to fix everything I perceived as wrong, but to make the most of what I had, hold my head up high and make mature decisions about how to improve my life from the limited options available. Like any woman.

Of course along the way there have been scores of individual challenges where the breakthrough was simply taking a leap of faith that the ingrained social taboos weren't absolute. I could defy convention and everything would still be okay if I worked hard at it and made informed decisions.

Best wishes with your journey! I do think a series of incremental steps is more likely to make sense than looking for that one big change that fixes everything. In this your therapist and I are in complete agreement.

[sandra-leigh]

She then asked what it would take for me to feel comfortable outside, living?

Heh, I can tell we go to the same therapist :o

{Note to others: Dreamer_girl and I do go to the same therapist.}

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It can help sometimes to understand what others have gone through...but you can't have our epiphanies...you have to have your own

One thing that will help you is to really let everybody else out of your head...and sometimes that even includes us.

SRS is not where I started and is not where I ended up.. it took a lot of work and self reflection... I had to step back and drop thought processes that I relied on for decades...I had to accept things I plainly rejected 30 years ago..i had to accept responsibility for choices and circumstances I created for myself and others around me...

my own epiphanies came from careful experimenting and pushing my boundries day by day until it became obvious to me what I needed to do... it was painful but that's what it was for me.
the story Kimberly shared about diva las vegas also really resonates with with me except my moments were at a Hilton hotel by philly airport where I spent my 4 1/2 day stint "as a woman 24/7!!"
(and btw... at the event I was chewed out by some nasty trannier than thou girls that I will never forget for daring to ask them these types of questions!!!..hehe)
..if you have to ask B**ch then you aint nothing!!!! ummmm...


here's a suggestion
try pulling out your middle finger and pointing it at everything stopping you from being ok
...you may find that your own reflection is getting flipped the bird along with everything else..if so, focus there first.

[SassySal]

SRS alone is not going to give you the confidence to be yourself.

I agree 100%. However SRS is what I needed to feel comfortable in my own skin. Nothing less would do.

[PretzelGirl]

There was the week I spent 100% en femme at Diva Las Vegas, out and about, mixing and mingling. Where a lot of crossdressers at the event hit their saturation point, I wept at the end of the week as I faced returning to my former life.

Kimberly, at the end of each of the 4 DLVs I have been to, I had a friend that wept hard on the last night. The ones from the first two years transitioned before the next year and the one from the third year started transition right after this year's DLV. The one who wept this year? Me. It is a powerful thing to shed those things in life that aren't us and not be reminded of them for a good period.

[dreamer_2.0]

Thanks very much for your last post, Kaitlyn. I've heard much of what you've said possibly a thousand times. It never changes, I understand it and yet do virtually nothing to improve my position. Wonder what I'm waiting for, some sort of inspiration I suppose. Though I've also heard that will likely never come.

That middle finger idea has potential and you're right it would find my own reflection in its way quite often. I have to get past myself. Sadly I'm probably my own worst foe and since we don't know any cool sword fighting skills we rely on mental fighting. Psychological warfare. Although, the wrong side has been winning for far too long and has too much power. The right side is barely there, a semblance of life that is easily discouraged, scared and surrenders far too easily.

I wonder what normal brains are like?

[Kimberly Kael]

Kimberly, at the end of each of the 4 DLVs I have been to, I had a friend that wept hard on the last night.

It may not be an official diagnostic technique, but it sure does seem like a strong indicator. It took two years for me, as my wife came the second year to better understand what I was going through. Talking to others there, individuals and couples, was extremely helpful for understanding the spectrum of gender variance and the struggles we face as a community.

On the other hand, I met several who appeared to identify strongly female but whose circumstances they felt prevented them from living openly as women. Some have since taken the next step, others treasure that one week a year.

[Rebecca Star]

SRS alone is not going to give you the confidence to be yourself.

Self confidence or more to the point, feeling comfortable and at ease in your-own-skin, is what makes the difference. Albeit easy to say. My self esteme was very low from childhood, even before I knew anything about myself. And I didn't really become at easy with me till my mid 40's. But imo there comes a time, when you just realise, everyone else is not perfect. At the end of the day, if people don't accept you for who you are, don't stress it - don't consume yourself with this garbage. Instead be proud of what lays within you, embrace these qualities and hold your head high!

[Michelle789]

See, SRS was one of my answers as well except my therapist seems to want me to accept myself long before surgery.

SRS is not the answer to anything other than making one part of your body more congruent with how you feel, only after you have fully accepted yourself and have been on HRT and living full time for at least two years. I met someone who did SRS because someone told her that it would make her feel better, and now she is regretting transition. She is regretting largely because she hates being treated like a girl and being called a faggot, but after I spoke with her I personally feel like she is still people pleasing, hasn't fully accepted herself, and has made a poor choice of friends who treat her poorly. I am surprised as to how she didn't seek counseling, and is the reason I feel like there should be some sort of gatekeeping. Even if she is TS and needed to transition, I feel like therapy would have helped her to assess herself and to accept herself before making the decision to transition. She said that she is now seeking counseling about this.

In spite of this regret story, please don't let it stop you from transitioning, nor from getting SRS. From listening to her story, I can see exactly where she went wrong.

But SRS is the last step in transition, and that's only if you really need it - not all transwomen need SRS.



There wasn't one defining moment for me, but there were several important breakthroughs.


This is my story too. I had several defining moments.

December 9, 2013 - I started a thread about male privilege, only to receive a private message from someone that my viewpoint indicated that I am a privileged white male. I sent her a PM that I pray to God to amputate my male privilege. I was also very suicidal that day, and that was the last time that I was suicidal.

I "relapsed" and started fighting myself again in late February, 2014. This was triggered by a night at an AA meeting in drab and I had a great time. This was followed two nights later by having a great time at a Korean BBQ in drab, as well as a conversation about flight attendants and airline pilots being scheduled their shifts in such a way that they only get 4 hours of sleep. This caused me to really question the motives for my transition, especially since my GD was made worse by a psychic pressuring me into dating and marriage. I had to question myself whether I was really TS or a failure as a man. This was based largely on a perception that getting 8 hours of sleep every night is a privilege for single white males. I found out that this perception is wrong, and that transition does not mean a life of sleep deprivation, and that my real issue is not sleep. But I used it as an excuse to fight myself.

May 17, 2014 - After fighting myself constantly for three months, I finally had asked myself what was so important in life that was preventing me from living my life to my fullest potential. And I had realized that I am a girl, and that I felt that anything that threatened my ability to express that inner girl was causing me pain, be it short term or long term.

May 23 to June 1, 2014 - I spent a full 9.5 days as my authentic self. I realized that I would be miserable having to present as a guy when I returned to work on June 2.

June 2, 2014 - I was completely miserable going back to work that day in drab. I was shaking and feeling lots of anxiety all day, and actually all week at work.

June 10, 2014 - I got laid off from my job, giving me an opportunity to go full time. I have been living close to full time since then, only reverting back to male mode for AA meetings, which I go to every other Friday, and for a Korean BBQ.

I would still fight myself during June/July, although not to the same extent as during late Feb. through mid May. This was triggered largely by an incident with two catty transwomen. I used women being catty as another excuse to fight myself.

July 22, 2014 - I went to eat Korean BBQ in male mode with some friends that I was not out too. I haven't come out to them yet. I really enjoy Korean BBQ, and I really like these guys, yet I felt completely out of sync and disconnected from them. As the night progressed, I was feeling more anxiety, lots of shaking, and of inner dialog in my head. I came to the realization that I will not be able to spend much more time in male mode.

August 1, 2014 - I started on HRT. I felt really amazing all day on Aug 1, 2, and 3, which gave me a good confirmation of my gender identity. On August 4, my mood crashed after experiencing MAJOR drama which was prolonged all week, and I'm not sure when the drama will subside, although I hope that my life can return to normal as of tonight.

August 8, 2014 - I got rehired on my old job as a part timer. I came out to them as being trans, and showed up to work for the first time that day. It was really nice being able to work as my authentic self.



compliment me saying that I had a tiny frame which goes a long way, I'm gorgeous and have wonderful eyes and cheekbones. Aside from the small frame (which I am grateful for) I disagree with her though she said that is because I'm so critical of myself and my self-image is so distorted from what the world sees. I am not too sure how much of that to believe. I mean, she's essentially a paid friend so compliments feel hollow despite her assured sincerity.

She didn't have to say that. She wouldn't lie to you and tell you that you have a tiny frame and are gorgeous if she thought you were built like a linebacker or had bulging muscles. I think she tried to point out the places in which you had a feminine figure.

That doesn't mean that everyone will accept you, and we all get clocked. Getting clocked is part of the experience. But you probably do have a good starting point. GBW, HRT will help you with your appearance.

And the best advice is to not care what other think, and just be yourself :)

[Eryn]

SRS is the icing on the cake that should have been baked long before you ice it.

I think that this is the most important statement in this thread.

[I Am Paula]

I've been looking at this thread for a couple of days, thinking about my response. I know I AM comfortable and accepting of self, but pinpointing the moment, or circumstance that I became that way was difficult. My first Christmas with my accepting family was a big one. Going back to work at a Catholic school took guts, but it wasn't 'the moment' either.
I think it was when I could spread out on the table all my ID, bank and credit cards, basically my whole life, and it all told me I was Paula Maria...not Paul. I knew I had killed off Paul for good, and could carry on without him. Somehow knowing the false identity was gone was what made me finally believe the true identity existed. The ID was only paper, and plastic, but what it represented was huge.

[Angela Campbell]

I agree with Paula. I really can't say exactly when it happened. I did a lot of things that were awkward and scary, then things slowly change. After a while i kinda started living instead of transitioning.

[Pink Person]

I have become more comfortable with my gender status by using hypnosis and eating cheese. Sorry, I’m just having a chuckle from a different thread. However, I do believe hypnosis and cheese can make people happier.

I really became more comfortable when I found my place in the matrix of gender variation. I hold my ground now and let other people have their ground. I don’t pretend to be more or less than the person I am.

I also became more comfortable when I was better able to differentiate and integrate, as needed, gender issues and sex issues that are frequently confused my many people. Gender issues are gender issues with a big G. Sex issues are gender issues with a little g.

I will echo others by saying that you need to get right with your primary gender issues before trying to fix the secondary issues you have with your biological sex. If you are strong in your brand of masculinity or femininity then your sex image problems will resolve themselves in a complementary manner.

[ameliabee]

Gosh... I don't think I'll ever 100% be okay with myself, but that's not a bad thing?

One huge perk of escorting is that it forced me to get really nice photo shoots done, and it has only been since I've seen absolutely stunning pictures of myself that I've been able to completely put away any envy I've had for cis women. The first jaw-dropping photos came out around two years and five months after starting HRT and eight months post-op. Kinda feel messed up in the head that it takes guys paying exorbitantly for the privilege to perk up my self-esteem, but it beats moping, no?

Buck up, you've got a long road ahead!

[Rose]

Just because you pay her doesn't necessarily make what she says hollow. I would think that most people in her profession are there because they truly want to help people. You can't do that by just telling people what they want to hear. She wants to help boost your self-esteem to make you feel better about yourself, so that you can accept yourself, but that doesn't mean that you don't have very nice qualities that you should be focusing on instead of what you don't have. I'm hardly one to talk, of course. I'm a lot like you in that it's really hard for me to find anything to like about my appearance.