Inquiring Minds want to know / number 5

[FAB Forum Mods]

Inquiring Minds number 5

We have a few questions our GGs have that they are sorting out in their relationships. Thanks as always for everyones input.

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?

[NicoleScott]

1) No partial dressing. For me, it's the whole eleven yards (that is, the whole nine yards and then over-the-top).
2) Yes, in the closet, and by agreement with the wife, it stays there.
3) You can't make him. Just be supportive.
4) Once the cat is out of the bag, tell all that you know. Problem is, you may not understand it all. But don't use that as an excuse to hide something you don't think will be accepted.
5) As it is now. She knows, accepts, tolerates, and even supports, but does not participate. OK with me. CDing is personal (that is, for me, who identifies as male and just likes to crossdress occasionally for pleasure. Different for those with feminine identities and need to interact with others as a woman).

[Nadine Spirit]

1 - I don't need to be fully en femme, but apparently I have discovered that I want to be at least partially dressed. But for me it is different in that I consider myself to be more of a gender non-conformist and only a part time cross dresser. Personally I would not like always being fully male or fully female. I really like mixing it up. Not for any shock value, but for my own peace of mind.

2 - At one point I suppose my wife and I were in the closet together. Did I expect her to not tell anyone? No. But I did expect that she would talk to me about telling others before she actually did. She never did though and now it is a moot point as I am slowly letting my circles know about me.

3 - Wow, tough, tough question. How to make someone else feel more comfortable with who they are? I honestly think it begins within their own head. It is my opinion that they think badly about themselves. Thus they think that is how others are going to perceive them as well. But they also don't want to admit this. Most cds that I read about say things along the lines "if society would just accept me then I would be fine to go out, but alas, woe is me, society will crucify me and so I am stuck here with my sad sorry self." (Sorry for the harshness folks, apparently I am feeling snarky.) I say what I say, because that very thing was in fact my very own experience. How did I overcome it? Brute force. I forced myself to get out and go places, go anyplace, go everyplace. And over time, the voices have gotten less mean and I have been able to come to a level of acceptance with myself that I have never been at before. So how can someone do this for someone else? I honestly don't know if it is possible. Sorry.

4 - For me, at the beginning of my discovery, it was kind of a gradual path. I let my wife in during ever single step. But for awhile it did seem to be an ever progressing thing. Funny enough, once I got to fully cross dressing, a few years of that, and now I am actually beginning to float a bit back towards the middle. With others, what I see is this fallacy that says, "oh you should only tell her a little bit at a time and not overload her." They think they are being helpful, but really it just comes off as deceptive and manipulative.

5 - My ideal relationship with my wife in regards to cross dressing looks like the one I have now. (How cute, I know! Right?)

Good luck ladies! :)

[Katey888]

1) Partial dressing doesn't really help - it did at one time - but now the whole transformation is what I enjoy; anything else is like watching the first half of a movie and stopping. :) But I only need to do this a couple times each month, sometimes less...

2) Yes, fully clandestine - nobody else knows...

3) "getting to be a drag..." :lol: Sorry... I think there are lots of ideas on the forum to take those first steps - try following some of those but try to be supportive... I've presented to auditoriums of a couple hundred people, but I haven't been out - scares me witless...

4) I think this depends on individuals - some folk will struggle to get everything out at once, and some genuinely won't be able to tell everything in one go - and with others, things will develop over time... This isn't like someone adopting a hobby and knowing exactly what you need to be comfortable - I have no idea what I'll be thinking in a year from now... but a year ago I had only just thought of trying makeup again after a gap of 30 years...

5) At this time if she just knew and accepted this as a part of me - longer term it would be nice to think we could get to her supporting or participating but that isn't my expectation... I have no expectations as this could remain clandestine forever.

Katey x

[Jenniferathome]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?

First, family/life obligations always come first. Still, when I dress, I prefer to go for a full transformation. As a result, I do not dress often.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

My wife knows. I assume the second part to mean does she keep the secret? Yes, she is the only one who knows.

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

You don't have to go with him if you are bored. Tell him exactly that. It may help to just make the decision for him. "Babe, I'm bored with driving, we're are going out next Friday." Some cross dressers need a push off the cliff. Go somewhere safe where you'll likely get no hassles. While I prefer mainstream places, a gay club may be a good first outing.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

You deserve to know everything. he problem is that he may not have all the answers. However, if he is holding back and "leaking" bits and pieces to you, that's wrong. Have a sit down and demand a full disclosure. Tell him what it is that is bothering you. He has an obligation to answer all questions. "I don't know," might be an answer but it has to be genuine.

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?

That is my life today. I can dress when I want and she is ok with it. She is willing to go out with me. But most importantly, I can talk to her about it.

[Jaylyn]

1. I love being partially dressed but really enjoy being totally dressed. Why just have a little of something I enjoy. I always try to dress a small amount underneath when I'm in the mood to dress but can't as I'm not out in public yet. But when I get the chance to dress all the way I enjoy it more.
2. My wife knows and accepts. She and I have had many shopping experiences together. She says it is great to have me along because I usually pay for what she wants and mine also. Really she buys Jaylyn things she thinks I would enjoy. We try to please each other. Isn't that what marriage is all about? Being with my soul mate and pleasing each other is the ultimate goal in our marriage. Been married to the same gal for 44 years with this attitude. Why would she be in the closet, other than keeping my secret for us to enjoy and share.
3. Not being out myself, I can't help you there. Maybe if you slow down and get him underdressing more while taking you out on dates he'll ease into the whole outing thing.
4. Can you accept every thing at once. We sometimes don't know what every thing is till we have tasted the small things at first. I thought just the hose and panties were all I needed but it's like a hobby of pushing farther into the realm of CDs till you have explored it all. I think CDs really don't know everything till they conquer the small steps.
5. What I have now a loving wife that just enjoys being with me and me with her. We have tried so many things in our lives that we should really write a book. We have a saying it's us against the world baby. I love her and she loves me and both loves are unconditional. Both of us give and take but we both enjoy pushing the normal to see how far it stretches. This is hard to explain but it has worked for us for 44 years and one year before that when we were dating. We got married because we had to..... Lol not the usual have to but because we knew we were here for each other and something meant for us to be together. I think it's gonna last...... This I believe is our ideal relationship.

[kimdl93]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?

Certainly never satisfied. I accommodate others.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

No. N/A

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

Boy, that's a tough one. It's hard to convey confidence or resolve. My best guess is to pick a destination that is either very safe or really appealing to him.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

Maybe he has told you everything he knows at th moment. Or, and I think this is true of me, there are things that once seemed impossible, that upon coming out now seem possible.

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?[/QUOTE]

Ideal...isn't that bordering on fantasy? The best case scenario, fantasies aside, would be that she is comfortable being with me en femme in both private and public settings and comfortable with me living the majority of my life as a woman. I don't know how close we can come to defining a majority...or reaching the comfort zone.

[BillieAnneJean]

Q1) I would rather be in guy mode with my family. I will find time to crossdress, but I prefer to limit it, by limiting it it stays the exception and therefore it stays FUN! No desire to wear anything but guy stuff under my guy stuff.

Q2) My wife knows about it. I asked her permission/acceptance/blessing before I did it the first time. She does not have to be in the closet. She is not a CDer. She can dress any way she chooses. From girly girl to looking just like a man, without the beard and package of course. But the answer you may be looking for is if she needs to keep my secret. I keep her secrets. I NEVER say anything negative about my spouse to anyone. People in a relationship should never throw the other person under a bus. So yes she keeps my secret.

Q3) I am guessing that you are not married or in a committed relationship? You can not "make him" more confident. You can't make him anything. He has to do it for himself. By driving around dressed, he may be fantasizing about the "danger" he is in. Becoming more comfortable may take that thrill of the danger away. Maybe he does not really want to go to that step. If it turns out he does, then going out with a group of CDers will help. Chose wisely. Or go to a CDer convention. Or he could go OUT enfemme for Halloween.

Q4) He may not know everything himself depending on how long he has been doing this. Even then if he has been doing it a long time but now wants to go OUT he may not know everything again even though before he wanted to go OUT, he did know everything. It is highly unlikely he may want to change gender. It is likely he may be seeing CDing as just fun. He fits somewhere in between. Try eliminating the known and always will be "you don't wants" and finding the known and always will be "Ok I am comfortable with that's". Build from there.

Q4) My ideal relationship with my wife is where we are both washed up on a deserted tropical island. She is naked and has no clothes. I have a T shirt and shorts made out of a material that lasts forever, but will NOT fit her.
Oh wait, that is the wrong fantasy.
Nothing changes from before. My ideal relationship with her is that she is happy. If she is happy, then I am happy. If she is unhappy then I can't be happy.
As for CDing, if she can have fun with it, if we can be man and woman almost all the time, CDing maybe once a week, having fun with it, sharing our lives together, looking out for each other, then I am good. As long as she is happy. Because her smile lights up my world.

[AmandaM]

Q1) Most of the time, but I find that fully dressing gives me much more relief. I think I am a happier person in drab if I can do it.
Q2) I expect her to use discretion when she lets others know. Her best friend knows.
Q3) Just park and say ok, we're getting out.
Q4) He's probably just feeling this out himself. The pink fog can overwhelm us as well as you.
Q5) That she actually likes it, helps, encourages, etc.

[Allison Chaynes]

1) It varies with each person. For me, no.
2) Publicly, and around family, yes. To her, no. We both agree it's best.
3) I defer to others here, as I don't go out fully dressed. But maybe try wearing androgynous looking women's attire blended with male attire as a baby step..
4) It's fear of rejection. You might be ok with him wearing panties but maybe he fears telling you he wants to be fully en femme will drive you away. We all go through this to varying degrees. Keep in mind even WE don't always know where it's all leading.
5) Again, it will vary with each of us, as we have different reasons for dressing. For me, I want my wife to love and accept Allison as her wife just as she does with me as her husband. Others are perfectly fine with a Don't Ask, Don't Tell arrangement.

[Isabella Ross]

1. I came out of the closet about eight years ago. It was a gradual thing, and at first I tried to satisfy my needs with wearing panties and camis under guy clothes, and panties and nighties at night...all with my wife's support. I gradually became more and more honest with myself. These days, I still wear panties and nighties daily, but I also absolutely need to dress completely -- perhaps twice a month.

2. We are, for the most part, in the closet together. I recently came out to my parents and siblings -- a fantastic experience. My wife keeps the secret with me, but I think she would like to tell her own family members and stop living such a life of secrecy.

3. As a previous post suggested, your SO might love the thrill of the potential of being caught. But if your SO really wants to appear in public, as I do, then the best thing to do, IMHO, is to support, compliment and criticize where needed. That's what my wife does...and she is among those that have boosted my confidence in the process to the point where I am going to do this.

4. It took me two or three years to come out completely. Most of the problem was that decades of repression and guilt took a long time for me to shrug off. I only revealed partial truths to my myself at one time; thus the same for my wife. Honestly. As I wrestled with my demons (they're long since gone), I acknowledged the truth over a period of time. Perhaps your SO is doing the same?

5. I've got it now. We're girlfriends at times, and husband and wife at other times. She is my best friend and greatest supporter...it took a while, but she really sees me; all facets of me (whatever they are!).

[DonnaT]

1. Yes I can be satisfied. This is how I usually dress. Rarely to I fully dress.

2. Not in the closet and don't expect my wife to be either. She can talk to whomever she likes.

3. Drive down the street. Park and tell him you'll see him at home. Confidence has to be learned by some.

4. It could be either one. Some feel more confident and want more. Some feel constrained and want more freedom. Some do not know what they want, but gradually realize from the experience of others what they may be missing, and then want more. Some know what they ultimately desire, but don't want to scare an SO off and have learned from others that baby steps can help the SO acclimate to each step.

5. My relationship is quite nice as it is. The only thing that would make it better would be her willing to go out and about with me, even if I look like a man and am only dressed in a skirt and top. She asked me about that once, and I told her I would have no problem not wearing the wig and makeup, but her response was, not with me you won't.

[CynthiaD]

1. No. I need to present as a woman.
2. No, I'm not in the closet.
3. I have no idea. That does sound pretty boring though.
4. People change. It sounds like your bf is still figuring this whole thing out. It takes time to figure out where you are, what you really want, what is too much. Try riding the learning curve with him, if you can.
5. When I figure that out, I'll let you know.

[sarah87]

1. For me it doesn't have to be full blown en femme but each of us gurls is different. I think boundaries are very important but there also needs to be a place where each can feel comfortable. if your not comfortable with him full blown en femme that is ok but he still needs an outlet to explore that option where you can all agree.

2. yes, and probably yes. Unfortunately once you open the closet door you can't control who knows.

3. ultimately he has to just take the plunge and go for it. I would suggest starting in a town where you don't live so if he get spotted it won't be a big deal. Go to places that few poeple will be at.

4. We are scared of rejection, we are scared that too much information will be too big a shock to the system.

5. I don't need her participation, if she wants to great. I just want her blessing that whatever we agree on she is ok with. For me it is wearing women's clothign in public but respecting her as well.

[Tina_gm]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?I have never been fully emfemme so for me I would say yes.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?yes, except for two therapists and one friend my wife has told. Ultimately the decision is up to her as to how much she wants it to be kept secret for her. I would only expect that if she wants to inform someone that she lets me know 1st.

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.Getting to be a drag- is that a pun? lol Other than to offer up acceptance and understanding, there is little you can truly do that will help him. He has to be able to accept himself. There are and will be a lot of people who will stare, gawk and make an issue out of it. Even if most do not care and are kind about it, those who will have issues and make it known will be difficult to deal with- and a reason I myself have never gone out in public.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?The ever changing acceptance is I would imagine (as it is for myself) part of my own acceptance that is ever changing. All of our lives we are world of negativity surrounding feminine issues when it comes to men. It is a process for ourselves to accept ourselves for who we are. That being said, yes, it is important that we CDers should be upfront with how we are feeling and what we want as much as possible. We and you both need to accept and be able to deal with this in baby steps. If you really want to hear it all, know it all, ok, but it may be overwhelming. I don't know what is truly better, to get it all out in one shot and deal with it or to let it out slowly so that it is easier to digest. To lie or make it appear as if this is all there is and then slowly introduce more over time is wrong.... but, to slowly integrate all of who and what we are.... And remember, we too have that same process of ourselves.

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?The same as it is for anyone and society in general, that it would be ok for us to dress and be who we are, however that is, whenever it is, wherever it is

[sometimes_miss]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?
Different for everyone. On days I work, I'm in all guy attire, and it's like wearing a costume, I want to get out of it and put on normal clothes. Which for me, is girl clothes. If I'm going to sleep, that means girl pajamas, and that's it. Otherwise, if staying awake on a normal day off, I wear all female clothing if I'm staying home. Time restraints? Much like a job; staying dressed in guy clothing is my 'uniform' to the world. I wear it to make others happy, not myself. But like any other person who wears what I refer to as 'utility' clothing (work clothes) I live with it, and that would depend on how much interaction I have with everyone else. There will be certain times when I get tired of it, and anxious to return to 'normal' and dress as I feel like I'm supposed to. Male clothes? Kind of like wearing a scuba suit; ok for a while, but not for long periods of time.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?
Yes I'm in the closet. I would expect my wife to keep my secret, just as I would keep hers. I know women love to share their most intimate feelings with their friends, but there are simply some things that must be need to know only, and this is one of those things.

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.
This is a hard one, because basically it involves him being 'out' and if he does not want that, it's going to be tough convincing him. There are all possible negative ramifications to coming out, and of course once you do there's no turning back.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now.
Sometimes he doesn't really know everything himself; for lots of us it's a lifetime of learning, and they discover new things along the way so it's impossible to tell you what he doesn't know yet himself.
The other side of the coin is the fear that you will leave, and that if he tells you everything all at once that's just what will happen. So sometimes we tell less at a time, trying to allow you to get used to something before springing something else potentially more upsetting on you. Sort of like when the doctor calls to tell you an elderly relative is not doing well, or 'they've taken a turn for the worse', so you should come to the hospital, even though they're already dead.

He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants
This is a common question, because we have this desire to dress up that we have to hold back for so much of our lives, that when we finally are able to do so freely, and with someone we love, it just feels so wonderful that we want to experience all of it, every fantasy we've ever had, and more interestingly, all that we will have. We don't always know everything we want to do, because we never allowed ourselves to indulge in the ideas because we never thought it would be a possibility. Now if you're talking about him wanting to spend his time while dressed as a female with ever increasing female behavior, including how he wants to have sex, that's another thing that he probably has not ever been able to try, so he is curious to see how the role 'fits'. Not being allowed to try it won't stop it from being desired, so it's better to let him try it and get it over with instead of trying to suppress something that will never go away until it's experienced. However, some men will also enjoy experiencing sex just the way you do, so like everything else in life, perhaps you will have to start sharing what up to now you have had all to yourself. I know that may sound disturbing, but in a way, it's only fair, especially if he's been 'performing' for you his entire sexual life. And yes, being a performer, essentially providing entertainment and pleasure for someone else, IS often like work even if we too get something out of it. Besides, after experiencing it for a while, he may realize (like a lot of other things in life) that the fantasy doesn't equal the reality and prefer to go back to how things were before. Again, it's a give and take situation, sharing the roles we have.
EDIT: When re-reading this, I realized that perhaps you were referring to a crossdresser transitioning to transexual. Doesn't usually happen, but as we learn more about ourselves, it's a possibility. Our brains, and our personalities are the sum of our genetics and our experiences, and of course, the brain grows and alters it's connections all the time, and we learn more as life goes on. So there's no way to know if a guy is going to want to transition. There are ways, however, to help him find out exactly who and what he is, to help him discover that himself. There are many distinct differences in how males and females interact with and how we experience the world and other people, and those differences can help him learn what he REALLY is more likely to be, male or female. All too often, people like to believe that it's all some mysterious thing that was predetermined before birth, and just go with how they feel, rather than try to learn WHY they feel that way. There's way more to gender than how we walk, talk, or if we change our movements to more resemble those of the opposite sex. Way more. Learning what we do 'naturally', without studying it and either consciously or subconsciously emulating it, helps us to know what we really are.

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?
Again, it's different for each of us. All I wanted was to be able to dress up a few times a week, (which I was doing anyway before she discovered my crossdressing, just not while she was at home), and, knowing that it might be something she wouldn't exactly like, my offer was for me to do all the housework while crossdressed, essentially killing two birds with one stone, and I would continue to do so only while she was not there if that was her wish. Unfortunately, my ex couldn't deal with the thought that I wasn't 'all male' anymore, her attraction to me was gone, and the marriage ended. I understand how she felt, and went along with all her wishes, but was quite surprised when she blackmailed me for all our collective assets during the divorce. In retrospect, I know that a lot of what she did, was instigated by other people in her support groups, most likely other ex wives who had been upset over their own husband's crossdressing. Oh well. Life goes on. Any other questions?

[hope springs]

1. PJs or fully femme? I wouldnt be satisfied if all I could wear was PJs. Question seems odd to me since i doubt a GG would be happy with only bedtime attire.

2. No closet for me. I told the wife 15 minutes after i figured out i was a CD.

3. Getting the bf more confidence? I havnt been out either but am saving up for a good wig and some casual attire. He needs to find some other GGs or another CD who are 1000% confident and accepting and drag his ass into public. Own it, love it, be it.... i cant wait for my first outing. I have no shame or guilt, it also helps i live in a rather ecclectic city

4. Baby steps/ what isn he telling me? Could be he still isnt sure how to fully express himself. So he keeps experimenting and pushing to find that AH-HA moment of satisfaction. I still dont fully understand the depths of this and im the one doing it. My guess is he isnt holding out he just doesnt wanna push to hard. Its a radical change in relationship dynamics. To be honest, decide for yourself what line you cannot cross with his dressing and let him develop within that boundary. If he decides he cant be happy within your boundaries then talk it out. Ergo, you set the limit, that way your not always waiting for the shoe to drop.

5. Ideal relationship? Thats the million dollar question. A very good question, covers lots of ground. For me, to just be ok with engaging me in topics and activities normally associated with girls. Shopping and fashion advice, feminist topics... just be there as a girl. That can be a really tough sell since you are looking at your SO in a dress. I totally get that. You had one dynamic and then blam, this CD thing bulldozes into your life. We could do all those girly things sans dress, and i have. But i feel the nagging urge to match what i feel with what i see on my body. So just engage me like you would any other GG. Thats ideal, not fair to the wife.. but ideal for me

[Dianne S]

A1) I need to be fully en femme.

A2) My wife knows. I told her she can tell anyone she likes.

A3) It's up to him to gain confidence. If you feel frustrated, tell him to go out on his own until he can do it without annoying you.

A4) Depends on your BF. If he keeps bringing more things up, that's a red flag IMO. Can you live with someone who presents as female 24x7? That might be what it comes to.

A5) I wish I didn't CD. It's very hard on my wife. She provides support and acceptance, but it's still hard on her.

[JocelynRenee]

Q1) I only fully dress en femme. Never have been an underdresser. Fortunately I don't have family restraints.

Q2) Neither of us are in the closet. Anytime we share this side of our lives the recipient is not expected to keep it secret.

Q3) After going through this same experience with me several times my wife very lovingly told me to "put on my big girl panties" or she wouldn't go out with me anymore. It worked for us.

Q4) I can't really speak for anyone else, but For me there was a bit of learning curve as to exactly what this all meant to me. My wife and I really didn't have any issues, though, because she was comfortable with me going out from day one.

Q5) The one we have now. Some days we're girlfriends; most times we're husband and wife. No matter how I'm dressed, though, we're always best friends.

[visualkei]

You deserve to know everything. he problem is that he may not have all the answers. However, if he is holding back and "leaking" bits and pieces to you, that's wrong. Have a sit down and demand a full disclosure. Tell him what it is that is bothering you. He has an obligation to answer all questions. "I don't know," might be an answer but it has to be genuine.


Agreed. I'd be in that position in my next relationship. I still don't know how I'd respond to a girlfriend being supportive about it in terms of going out with her dressed.
Being honest to her is definitely being honest to yourself.

[Paula_Femme]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme?
A1) I'm okay with partial or full, although my preference would be for full... minus pads and forms.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?
A2) My girlfriend, who's a member here, knows; I told her from the outset that if she needed to confide in someone, to go right ahead, although I'd like to know who it was if I was going to meet them! :heehee:

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.
A3) I would suggest a trip to somewhere "she" would be accepted and would not be out of place... a midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show, a Fetish/CD event or club, or that great standby for CD's everywhere, a Halloween party!!! :)

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?
A4) Everyone is different, some get lost in the Pink Fog, some just lose their heads for a while; if your partner starts to go places you can't follow, let him know, open and honest communication is the key.

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?
A5) A Woman who loves ALL of me... which is what I have! :battingeyelashes:

[charlenesomeone]

Q1Yes if it is that, wear panties all the time, but full dressing is more fun.
Q2 Yes closet by agreement due to family.
Q3 She has to feel pretty and ready, as others have said, small steps.
Q4 You need to talk and keep talking, sometimes things change but must be communicated.
Q5 That will change with time, but since I love her it's what she is comfortable with.
Char

[PaulaQ]

I'll only answer two of these, since I'm TS, and in the middle of a divorce. I feel only two of the questions I can answer with any relevance.


Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

I'd recommend taking a car trip to a town 200 miles away or so, and staying at a hotel for a weekend. You can plan some nice activities together, and he can go out CDed with virtually no chance of running into anyone he knows. Depending on where you live, San Francisco, New Orleans, or Las Vegas are excellent vacation destinations where pretty much nothing can go wrong for a CD. Once you are out for the first time, it gets a WHOLE lot easier to do it again. A full weekend of going out CDed should really boost your SO's confidence.


Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

My belief is that most CDs cross dress because they feel a mild form of gender dysphoria, much like I feel, but way less intense. They don't need to permanently alter their bodies to feel right, as I have to do. They don't need hormones, and they don't have too many issues with being a man some of the time.

Gender dysphoria tends to be progressive. So it's not surprising so many CDs go further and further over time. Another thing that can explain this is that those of us who CD often feel intense internal and external pressure NOT to CD. (I stayed a man for 50 years because I really didn't see how any other choice was possible.) So as they CD, those pressures are lessened, and they feel enabled to go further than they'd ever allowed themselves to imagine.

I suspect the answer you really want is "Will he ever transition?" Unfortunately, unless he's at a point where he feels he must transition, the answer is almost always going to be "Oh hell no! I'll never do that!" And he'll believe it too. There are huge external pressures against transitioning - nobody just wants to do it. It's a need, and one most of us would rather not have been born with.

I firmly believe that you can really only tell whether or not someone will transition when they are at or near the point of starting to transition. Before that, the evidence is just inconclusive, at best.

[Eryn]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme?

I need to dress fully, but spend most of my time in male mode.


Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

I go out, but not in my own community. My wife knows and goes out with me. She keeps my secret locally but she has asked to share with a relative and I trust her judgment concerning this. Of course she can also discuss things with our TG friends and spouses.


Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

It takes a lot to get over that threshold. It took me months of preparation to get out of my front door. My wife's encouragement was very important.

One strategy is to develop a definite plan. An example is driving to a sparsely-used park, leaving the car, and walking a loop around the park and back to the car. From this beginning the "challenge" level can be raised as experience is gained.

You're welcome to peruse my own adventures. Just click on my username, click "view profile", Click "find latest started threads" and look for threads that start "Eryn and Persephone..." We've done a lot of things that I originally thought would be impossible. We've gone to concerts at Disney Hall, dined at restaurants plain and fancy, gone to exclusive clubs, and generally done everything that a GG would do. I'm 6'2" and not terribly attractive but I've always been treated well wherever we've gone.


Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

Coming out to a loved one is a roller-coaster ride for a CDer. We can be a mess of emotions ranging from the euphoria of finally having someone to share this with to the depression of realizing that we are still limited, just to a different degree. A CDer may not come to grips with his own self for some time after telling his spouse. We've been hiding this tendency, sometimes even from ourselves, for decades. We are both discovering new things about ourselves and each other. It's not unusual that it requires some time for both of us to get used to the situation.


Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?

It is pretty much what we have. We're committed to support each other no matter where this road leads. She cares about my happiness and i care about hers.

[Teresa]

1) Satisfied at any level , still prefer the full look but the ends don't always justify the effort !
2) Still in hiding the wife knows but does not participate !
3) I've only driven alone at night but usually chicken out of going for a walk, strangely I've outed myself in the day dressed but no make up or wig !
4) Difficult to answer, how long is a piece of string ? If I have no limitations how far will I go and what direction ? I guess it's difficult to tell the truth until you know it !
5) To be the man when needed by others and be the girl when you have the need ! If I could have open acceptance of this I think I'd be happy !

[jjjjohanne]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?
Sometimes I wear panties and pantyhose under my pants. Sometimes, I really want to wear more. I never want to be "fully" en femme. I always present male when I dress.


Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?
My wife insists that we keep this a secret.


Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take
the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.
(Wow, I didn't know that GG's ask questions like this! :) This sounds like a question a guy might ask while posing as a woman on the general Internet.) I think a lot of CDs take their first few steps toward public by walking out of a hotel room and into the hall. Eventually, they make their way to the elevator or the lobby.


Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?
In my experience, CDing is like dating. At first holding hands is enough, later it is boring, but kissing is exciting. It is like the kids rollercoaster, it is scary and exciting at first, but later you don't want to ride it and you want to ride the "deathtrain" or whatever. If it is information that he is gradually giving you, it might be that he is embarrassed and possibly scared of your reaction. Kind of like taking your clothes off in public. You take off your shoes before your shirt. Expose as little as yourself as you can as you advance.


Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?
Interesting. I feel like my relationship is separate from CDing. I want my relationship to be fun, loving, open, expressive, just like when we were dating, but with old people stuff thrown in. The CDing is an activity. Just like washing the dishes is an action I might do, but it is not part of our relationship. I might choose to wash the dishes or I might choose to curb my dressing behavior one day out of respect for her sensitivities. Those are acts of service that are due to my relationship, I suppose. My ideal relationship with her could exist with me dressing or without me dressing. Anyhow, you probably just want to know what activities would occur if my wife had no hang ups about what I do... I would like to be able to talk to her about anything without her asking questions like an interrogation. I would like for her to ask curious, light hearted questions like, "Then what happened?" or "Was it scary?" or "Was it fun?" instead of questions like, "Then what did you do?" and "Did you buy anything else?" I would like to dress occasionally in a skirt around her and it just be another day. I would like for her to interact with me the same way whether I have on something feminine or not (I am not talking about sex). I would love to go out of town and go on a date where I wear something pretty (again, I always present male). It would be delightful to go out with her and we both wear dresses. Bottom line, I wish she loved me the same way when I am dressed as she does when I am not. Maybe she does and I am being selfish. :)

[Donnagirl]

Inquiring Minds number 5

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?

Yep, I spend a lot of time at home with only a jumper or hoodie being male. The rest is femme including jeans and heels.

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

Nope... Out but not yet really public.

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

Understand the immense fear he must be feeling to make that first step... I can attest to how hard it is. There is little you can do it is a step he must take... Try deserted areas, late night drives and other lower risk 'first steps'.

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

Not a good sign... If he is trickle feeding the truth, them there's probably a lot more he's hiding. Although we may not know where the journey will ultimately take us, we do know what our expectations are...

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?

Acceptance and support. Don't let on thpat you may not like it, just let us know we have your support, love and acceptance.

[mariehart]

Q1) Up to a point, right now and most of the time I'm partially dressed presenting as male. But sometimes, in fact right now the need to be fully dressed and interacting with other people as a woman is intense. This happens regularly and either I fully dress which I can't right now or I distract myself with drink, which I can't right now or I simply get very agitated. With me it's gender dysphoria though.

Q2)I'm mostly in the closet but would wish it otherwise. My wife knows but quote 'Still trying to get her head around it'. I fully expect her to confide in at least one of her friends. I would be surprised if she did otherwise. I would prefer she talked to me more about it though.


Q3)Drop him in the deep end. Lower all the windows, park up, take the key and wave bye bye! The first step is the hardest but confidence soon builds.

Q4)In my case it's embarrassment and hesitancy and fear of an adverse reaction that holds me back. On the other hand it doesn't help that my wife seems reluctant to talk about it anymore, even to set boundaries. Her main reaction is to wish it away. Which is all understandable but no help to me and less helpful for her to come to terms with it.

Q5)I think similar to the relationship you have with your BF. You seem almost more accepting of it than him. He still seems to be holding back for what he thinks is your benefit as per my first sentence in Q4. You seem very ready to embrace it while he still seems to fear letting go completely.

Hope that helps.

[Claire Cook]

Q1) Can you be satisfied dressing in undies, pjs or partially dressed with time /family restraints or do you need to be fully en femme ?

yes yes yes and yes

Q2)Are you in the closet? If your wife knows do you expect her to be in the closet as well?

No and no (the only time we're in the closet is when we're looking for clothes)

Q3) How can I make my bf feel more confident?We spend our weekends dressing then driving around in the car as he is too scared to take the first step out of the car.I try to understand this but this is getting to be a drag.

I wish I had an answer here. The only way that I gained confidence was just to do it. It can be very scary for someone to be out in public for the first time, but I think for most of us that big first step is a huge confidence builder. Maybe go to something fairly inconspicuous like a movie, and say something like "Yes, I know you want to do this, and you're scared and anxious, but the world will not end."

Q4) What is with Ever Changing acceptance level expected of me? As soon as I start feeling OK I can handle that something else is brought up. I read out here baby steps NO I want to know everything right here and now. He swears he is telling me everything BUT REALLY is it a gradual thing like the more he has the more he wants or is it lets tell her a little at a time? Opinions?

It's hard to know what we really want and how far to go, and even harder to try and express those feelings. Many of us have evolved slowly over the years (40+ in our case). Expressing feelings has been one of the biggest challenges in my case, and as I've embraced all of me over the years, I'm coming to grips with my feelings. Guess that's part of accepting my feminine self. Does he ask about your feelings?

Q5)What would be your ideal relationship look like with your wife concerning the cding?

Just what it is now -- we're happy being out as man and wife, and we're also happy being out as two girls with our girl friends, as situations dictate.