One of the Girls...

[Brianna_H]

This is my first post in TS. I'm nervous about posting here. I haven't even had my first therapy session, but it's scheduled. But I've started paying attention to my feelings about social situations and the feeling that I'd be happier presenting as female is growing.

I came out to one of my cousins I was very close to as a child, yesterday. So many of my family have passed, there aren't that many who remember me as a kid or the things that happened. So I wanted to talk to my favorite cousin, Anne. I was raised around a bunch of female cousins and my three lovely aunts. There were other boys in the family, that as far as I know don't have any gender identity issues.

At first, my cousin was surprised when I told her I identify more often with females and think about living as a woman. She said she never would have guessed, but the more we talked, the more she said she wasn't exactly surprised, and she supported me either way. That was awesome, though I knew she'd be okay with me.

But when I said, "You know, I've never been one of the guys." her response, was, "No, you've always been one of the girls." And it's true. In terms of where I fit in the social network that was once our family, emotionally and in terms of who was in on the big secrets and stuff, I was always in the inner circle with women of the family.

This made me feel good and reaffirmed my feelings about those times. I've variously described my identification with women as being supportive, being a feminist, being a modern/sensitive guy. But now I'm questioning all those things.

I have a hard time at company functions and usually just go back to my desk and eat alone. I cannot relate to the other males, who talk about sports and work and more work all the time. But I feel awkward going over to the table with the women, who seem to have a lot more fun. I've found myself looking at the female groups and wishing I felt more confident to join them. I've started wearing earrings and parting my hair on the right. Just doing these things has made me feel better, even at work.

When I saw Guardians of the Galaxy, I realized the character I identify with is Gamora. This happens to me all the time. As a "guy" I'm supposed to identify with James Bond, right? Then how come I am always hoping the femme fatale will be an ass-kicking female agent? (Quantum of Solace FTW, right?)

I'm rambling now. But I think what I'm trying to express is that my GD is more social than physical. I don't hate my male organs, though my body hair has become a real issue for me. What I mainly find jarring, is being automatically assigned to the boys team. I don't know where this trip is going, but I know I'm sitting with the ladies from now on. I hope they'll accept me.

Questions, comments, thoughts... all welcome. I'm still trying to sort myself out.

[LeaP]

Brianna, i'm struggling a bit with my response. On one hand, I find myself reacting strongly to what I see as very clichéd and sexist content in your post, despite your self-describing as a feminist. On the other hand, and despite the foregoing, the gender-based feelings of alignment you describe aren't uncommon.

You say nothing about identity itself. Nothing about congruence (except body hair). You talk about comfort, presentation, inclusion, emotions, social issues, even having fun. In fact, you describe your GD as social.

How do you describe your identity? What is your history of gender/sex issues, crossdressing, etc?

The therapist will ask what you want out of therapy. What will your response be?

[Brianna_H]

LeaP,

I've felt different since I was a child. I had one incident of dressing up and getting pigtails as a kid that was very fun, but also kind of shaming when we (my girl cousins and I) were discovered. For the last 20 years, I identified as Bisexual, though I mainly am attracted to women. I struggled really to understand myself and had depression, mainly I think due to plain loneliness. I married a less than entirely straight woman and we've been pretty happy with a bit of mixed "roles" in our relationship.

I first tried crossdressing and make-up just over a month ago and have been fighting the urge to go full time ever since. Money's tight and I want to get some therapy before I make any permanent changes.

I'm sorry if some of my post seems sexist. I am fully supportive of equality for all people and entirely support women in conflicts like the current situations in the skeptical and comic communities where women and people of color are fighting for a seat at the table.

I think where it gets confusing for me is separating out the ideals of equal gender roles from the history of my family, which is very sexist, gendered, and traditional. I feel less resentful and stressed if I am cooking while dressed than I do when I'm just in drab. I realize that's sexist, but it's also how I feel.

In my relationship with my wife, it's hard to explain... I feel comfortable in a more traditional female role. I'm the cook. I'm the finicky one, the one who cries at movies. Now that I've started dressing in femme, these things don't bother me anymore. I just feel comfortable being me.

Sorry, I'm still pretty confused. Right now, I'd say my therapy goal is to find some clarity, but mostly to work toward transition.

[Rianna Humble]

This is my first post in TS. I'm nervous about posting here. I haven't even had my first therapy session,

Hi Brianna, :welcom: to the Transsexual Forums. Please do not be nervous about posting here. Although you may get some robust challenges you will soon learn that they are mainly trying to help you work out the right direction for your life (and no-one else can do that for you).

Several of the members here who are post-op will be able to confirm that there is no pre-requisite to "hate" your male organs.

I'm sure you will have plenty of questions and thoughts of your own to share as well as those that may come from members here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Welcome to the forum Brianna...there is no magic to it but its totally understandable that you may be nervous..

One thing I've learned over many experiences is that there is a gender euphoria that happens when people first start expressing themselves... being unhappy with how you relate to males is different than not being male...and discovering that it feels good to present female is very empowering ...feeling a growing desire to express your female side in social situations is common among transsexuals AND crossdressers...

you don't have to cook in drab... you can express feminine leanings or identity all you desire without transition...
you say this is a journey but you have already decided on a destination...that seems like its premature based only on your posts.

you have every reason to explore and grow as a person but I don't think you know what you are getting into...you have to guard against falling in love with the fantasy and focus on the harsh realities of a possible transsexual life..

Lots of transsexuals figure out how to cope without transition too.

Hopefully you will be open minded in therapy and accept the ups and downs of self discovery..

[Brianna_H]

you don't have to cook in drab... you can express feminine leanings or identity all you desire without transition...
you say this is a journey but you have already decided on a destination...that seems like its premature based only on your posts.

It's up in the air really. I was just responding to LeaP who asked what I want out of therapy, though I realize now it was not really a good response. What I really want out of therapy is to find some clarity regarding my gender reality and goals.

I definitely don't know enough to make those decisions now and I am glad for this forum so I have people to talk to.

Since I came out to my wife and have been spending time with her while I'm dressed, I feel more comfortable in general. You're right, I don't have to dress up to feel okay while doing different tasks. When I'm home now, I feel okay to express myself even without clothing, so I get what you mean. I am me, whatever gender I wind up as, whether I'm dressed or not. It's only at work that I school my mannerisms more and play the role, still. Mostly.

Thank you for the warm welcome. I will keep an open mind.

[Angela Campbell]

I sincerely hope that you are not a transexual. It is a hard road. Transition isn't a lot of fun, and is very different than what you may think that it will be like.

go slow.

[Rose]

I really hope therapy helps you figure yourself out. I'm fairly new to all of this as well, so I might not exactly be an authority, but I tend to agree that there is a spectrum, and you may not necessarily need to transition. For me, at least, the important part is being able to express yourself, and be happy with who you are, regardless of labels. Good luck, Brianna

[PretzelGirl]

Hi Brianna! There is a wide range of feelings of those that transition. There are no two paths that are identical. So my advice as someone still in transition is to take as much time as you can stand and work through what you really feel. If you can take all the time in the world, then that is your sign that you are fine without transition. There may be many other reasons not to and the experienced ladies here will pick up on your thoughts and challenge you. Those challenges are for you to think through and for your benefit, so don't take them personal.

The one thing that flags me is that you just tried crossdressing and make-up a month ago and now you want to go full time. It could be your trigger that makes you want to transition or it could be that you are getting a "high" off of what you are doing. The best way to know is giving it time. Euphoria when starting crossdressing is not uncommon at all.

I hope that everything stays calm for you no matter the path. Stick around and read everything here as I can tell you, it has all been useful to me and helped me think through my thoughts and path.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Because im very involved with in our groups i interact with every one and have to as im in charge of a number of details i do ,

the one i was at was with our Band,s In Austraila, we were putting on a concert and we had over 80 people who came there, our bands numbered 70 , i did not play at this time so took over the supper and having every thing ready after our bands had played , now i allso did photography as well so i was busy ,

When i got to the building i did not know what i was going to do , yet as a member ill do what ever is needed, and make sure every thing is working well , of cause this is just another time . meeting i get to say hi to people basic im a servent and ill serve, and i do much the same with our many other groups,

can i say get involved be a doer help where needed be availible and .... PUT ...your self where you can be used if it serving then do it if its dish washing then wash just pouring Tea and making coffe, or help cooking meals or running the Kitchen as i do for our groups, ,

Okay i know im very organised and can get others under me to work with me , to serve from 20 to 120 people and more ,

Now here the ? How is it they our commitees and others wont me there because they know my capibilitys and i can do it , the thing is , i did not just wolk in some 5 years ago and do it ,
It was first for our people , get to know me who am i , what am i , do i fit in or can i okay 3 months later im just one of our groups well accepted and can be relied apone so i worked at it, i put myself there for them to see i may just have something to offer , apart from being different , they all know my background and thats just a miner part of who i am, whats importaint is im accepted for who i am ,

Iv only been with our Bands in Austraila for 6 weeks and they wont me back . because i enter in and do what ever im asked or i do it any way , with out being asked ,

We have 15 members who are women the others are men about 55 .

I never related to or with men yet i can talk with them because i have to and can carry on at the least a good converation quite a few subjects its about learning how to even if i dont really wont to, well thing is we are members and need to get along , and youll be surprised how well you can plus acceptance comes with that as well , think about that ,

...noeleena...

[Brianna_H]

My first therapy session is in a little while. It's more of a session to get a referral to a specialist and see what my insurance has to offer in the way of gender counseling. But still, an important first step.

Thank you for your replies. I've read a ton of posts here and elsewhere online. I know transition is no joke. My plan is to take it slow and involve my SO as much as possible. She's been good about my dressing and even prefers me without body hair.

I've been through some therapy before, and generally I'm a very careful, thoughtful person. So, I understand this will be a process, and the answers I think I want right now may not be the answers I end up with. That's ok. I want to discover the source of these new-ish urges.

I have many questions, some about the ranges of TS. Some gals never do HRT or surgery and seem to thrive, but there is some division in the community about their status. I'm fine with being some flavor of TG, if that's where I end up. I don't need anyone's approval or acceptance online. I just want to be happy and be close to my lady. We'll see where the chips fall.

I'll post later and let y'all know how it goes.

[Michelle789]

Brianna,

Welcome to the forum. I started seeing a therapist 6 months ago, and she has been of a tremendous help to me. She helped me to accept myself, to break down the poisonous ideas the psychic put into me. Whereever you fall on the gender spectrum is okay, and whetever you need to do to deal with the gender dysphoria is okay too.

It's okay to be a feminine man. It's okay to be a girl too. Gender identity, gender roles, gender expression, and sexual orientation are all completely different. Our society places us into two boxes: male and female. Men must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be attracted to women, and fulfill certain male duties. Women must act a certain way, dress a certain way, and be attracted to men, and fulfill certain female duties. Oh, and you must live inside the box you were assigned at birth. This is the garbage society teaches us.

Once you realize that these are separate variables, and that you don't have to be the one assigned at birth either.

It is possible to be male identified, but have feminine interests, or act like a woman, and be attracted to either men or women.
It is possible to be female identified, but have masculine interests, act like a man, and be attracted to either men or women. Even if your birth sex is male.

You could be assigned male at birth, and fit completely into the female box, including wearing dresses and being attracted to men. Not all behaviors are masculine or feminine either. Needing your space or being clingy aren't assigned to either gender. Some women need their space, and some men are clingy. Some women are clingy, and some men need their space. Your desires may change over the course of your life.

I hope you can get the help you need, and take whatever path is best for you. Feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk :)

[Angela Campbell]

. I just want to be happy and be close to my lady. We'll see where the chips fall.

I'll post later and let y'all know how it goes.

You do know that one of the common consequences of hormones is sterility and impotence? Are you both ready for that?

[Michelle789]

You don't have to hate your male organs to be transgender. You can live a dual life. You can live as a feminine man, or as a genderqueer or androgynous. You can live full time as a woman without hormones. You can take hormones and never get the surgery. Angela is right, there are serious consequences of taking hormones. Do not take hormones without the care of a doctor. When I went to get my hormones, I was required to see a 20 minute video about the effects of hormones. It explained everything from physical, to emotional, to sterility, and side effects, as well as YMMV.

There are many options out there. I really feel like seeing a therapist will help tremendously.

[Brianna_H]

You do know that one of the common consequences of hormones is sterility and impotence? Are you both ready for that?

Angela, I hear you. Not to get too personal, but my wife and I are both 44. She had a hysterectomy a couple of years ago. We are both fine being childless. We have a love life, but my lady is not a super sexual person, due to abuse in her past. We love each other and want to care for each other as long as we live. There's still a lot to talk about and figure out. I'm not rushing to any conclusions and will weigh all the plusses and minuses. Inability to have orgasms would be a real loss for me, so I will take care and work with the docs.

Michelle789, thank you for your insight. I'm not ready to jump back in a box, after just finding my way out of one! lol I just get enthusiastic. The broad spectrum of gender you mention is a relief. I mean, I understood. I've been following GLBT issues for years, but it's nice to get a reminder that there are many possible destinations for this journey.

Apparently my insurance will provide experienced counseling and support/hormones/etc. as far as I want to go with this. My first real therapy visit is in two weeks. My visit today was really nice. The therapist was so pleased to get a patient who is not in distress. I was very happy to be there and take a step forward with this. I'm lucky in that I have a very liberal group of friends and I've already talked to several of them. I only have a few family members left besides my wife, and I'm sure they will love me no matter what. Again, I'm not rushing forward, I'm just really happy and appreciative of all the pain those before me have gone through to make the care I am receiving possible.

Thanks again for sharing your concerns and wisdom.