Why did I never cross dress until now?

[AnnieBL]

Way back in 1961, in the midst of a bad episode in my life, I came out to a cousin of my father, who had died when I was two years old. At that time I didn't know or understand any thing about TG issues, and I thought that I must be gay. My father's cousin helped me a lot, but said that I must on no account tell my mother, who would be devastated. In fact my mother had desperately wanted a daughter, but after my father died wanted me to be the alpha male of the family, a role to which my actual GI made me grossly unsuitable and not very successful. She nevertheless became extremely possessive and did everything she could that she thought might fend off anything that might divert me from my assigned function. I eventually began to have conscious TS fantasies ten or twelve years ago, and as my mothers health declined in her mid nineties the CD repression began to crack a bit. But it was only after her death at the age of 96 in 2009 that I really began to become aware of my GI, and only now has the repression wholly crumbled. Does all this make any kind of sense to any of you?

Annie

[Annaliese]

Yes, the fear of disappointing love one keeps us from living the life we should have and it not til later in life that a lot of us break through that shell that we have been under, and then live with regret of all the year we missed.

[CynthiaD]

Well, until your mother's death, you had ore important things to think about. Now you're free to do what you want.

[Beverley Sims]

I think being able to let it out has been a relief to you.
Keeping it all suppressed is certainly unhealthy.

[Kris Avery]

I wish you the best possible experience now that the wall is down
Enjoy your new self and always remember to have fun!

[UNDERDRESSER]

I think you've answered your own question Annie. Now get on with enjoying your life!

[paulaprimo]

i can certainly relate as "life" also got in my way! i didn't start until my 50's so all i can
say is better late than never... go for it girl and enjoy! :)

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Annie, I think I can relate somewhat, Life keeps us busy, the thoughts are always there, but timing and circumstances keep us from exploring our desires. We know it is there, put on a shelf, we can touch it when we want, but to totally embrace it is not possible.
I think as we get older we look back at our lives and see the things we missed out on, or wanted to do, and never accomplished. CDing may not have been much of a priority years ago, yet it was there. Now it's back with less restrictions, less worry of being outed.
I'm sorry to hear of your mothers passing, but her final act may have been to set you free.
Remember your mom, but more importantly, enjoy your life!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Krististeph]

crossdressing is serious stuff. heavy existential meaning & stuff. In my opinion, it is nothing to toy with- requires a maturity. Perhaps you simply waited until you could devote proper attention to the realm of aspects / impacts.

[Marcelle]

Hi Annie,

I can relate in a way as I am a late bloomer. Oh I probably had inklings about my TG leanings when I was younger and dabbled once when I was 17 but never again. Life got in the way, I was in the military and things went on. I had a small kink when it came to using particular clothing items for sexual relief but it was a kink. I got married, had a daughter and continued in all respects normal and happy. However, repression catches up and after some serious soul searching following several combat tours and a very serious taking stock of my own mortality, my façade crumbled and I entered a very dark place. It was then I came out to my wife and Isha made her appearance. So yes, it can happen very late for some of us.

Hugs

Isha

[I Am Paula]

Absolutely! That is why my as yet unwritten biography will be titled 'A life lived to other's expectations'.
Thank God I shook off all that crap and found my true self, better late than never.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Annie
I can absolutely understand and relate to your situation. As the lovely girls before me have said, this thing you are experiencing is common amongst us. I too had some very early urges and attempts as a small boy. Then nothing, no acting out, no desires BUT I knew in the deep recesses of my mind something was there. I could never say the word 'stockings' in conversation for fear of giving myself away. I always had trouble hanging out articles of my wifes clothing on the clothes line. if I saw a CD/TS/TG person on TV or in a magazine I knew there was an interest there but I would quickly look away, heck I never even went to see Rocky Horror because of the lead character was a transvestite.
So this deep desire was repressed and I was comfortable getting on with my life, experiencing my male passion for anything automotive, playing football (aussie rules), being a leader and most of all being a husband and a father. Oh there were a few minor urges along the way but I always managed to push them away after gratification for months, even years.
Now I am in a situation where my boys are independent, my wife has moved away for work and I am left pretty much on my own. We have lived apart now for 18 months and guess what happened not long after she left? You guessed right. The cracks in the dam wall opened up and the flood happened. I bought some clothes, then make up, then shoes etc etc. All the time I was still in denial. I spent plenty of time researching this and discovered that I am no individual here. The more I read and the more I dressed the more I started to accept myself. I got to the point where I thought" to heck with it, I enjoy doing this and get such a wonderful feeling from it".
A couple of months ago I discovered this forum and it has helped my grow as a person and accept my crossdressing a fundamental part of my being. I am now very comfortable with it and though still in the closet have challenged myself to explore a range of experiences.
So what you are experiencing is normal and you WILL discover a road of pure enjoyment and satisfaction once you fully embrace it.
I wish you only the very best
Luv
Amanda

[Claire Cook]

Annie, I think this makes perfect sense. Many of us have had various pressures in our lives that repressed CD / TG tendencies -- I know that I did. It sounds as though you've come to some self-realization and acceptance -- enjoy and embrace it!

[kimdl93]

Of course it does. It sounds like your life was to some degree dictated and controlled by your mother. Now, she is gone and it's your's alone. It seems that as we gain independence and control over our lives, we can also begin to entertain possibilities we had never allowed ourselves to consider before.