Touchstones

[CynthiaD]

Like many others, I occasionally have moments when this whole crossdressing thing seems silly, and I start wondering why on earth I'm doing this. When this happens, I have two childhood memories that I use as touchstones to remind myself who I am.

The first was reading "Huckleberry Finn" when I was 10 years old. I came to the part where Huck dresses as a girl to go get food. That part was fine, but when he got back to the hideout he took off his girl clothes and put back on his ragged old boy clothes. I couldn't understand why anyone would do that. It was so weird to me, I just couldn't read any more. To this day, I've never finished the book.

The second was another book I was reading a couple of years later. Four children, two boys and two girls, got an old trunk full of clothes, which they were going to use as costumes for a play. When no one was looking, one of the boys put on a fancy dress and went dancing around in it. Everyone had a good laugh, and eventually he said "Well, I guess I'd better take off my finery!" My instantaneous thought was "I wouldn't. If I had a fancy dress like that I'd never take it off."

These two incidents remind me that I've always known who I was. That this is the right path for me. That it isn't silly. That it's something I've wanted all my life, and that it's a good thing.

Do any of you have touchstones?

[Ashley Wray]

Hello Cynthia,

I have to say this is a great post for me as i have had instances where I ask myself (What am I Doing?) and How did I get where I am in the past year and a half. But like you instead of books or specific stories I revert back to the days when i was 9 or 10 and was fascinated with trying on my mothers clothes. I used to beg to stay home by myself if they would leave so I could play dress up I mean Wig Shoes dresses and make up even lip stick at 9 or 10. So I constantley go back to that when I start questioning (What am I Doing?) and know that it was always there and a part of me. I'm not sure where it came from other than a fascination and the fact it really wasn't sexual I was still real young I just liked the way it felt and as long as I had the house to myself i was dressed as a girl and content at that.

If I did not have that experience to reflect on and had started this out of the blue in my 30's I would probably think something was wrong with me and I need to see a Dr. So my touchstone is that experience and with the help of this forum that tells me i'm ok and if you like it and it doesn't harm yourself or any one else then it's just me being the me I always had inside. Kinda surprised it took 20 years to pop out again.

[Katey888]

Interesting points, Cynthia.

I can't say I have anything from your type of experience, but I know the feeling from years back when - with hindsight - perhaps a shift was going on from more fetish related dressing, and I had fully dressed at a hotel and was able to sit down to continue working one evening after dinner and it just felt right - natural, comfortable and good! :) That and a far distant memory of relative innocence when trying on a girl's hat as a child - and if it was something that was a purely innocent need then, surely that is what is carrying forward to today?

The point you make about literature has triggered a thought for me: many well-respected authors, like Twain, have written of episodes that feature crossdressing and are not necessarily always comedic - perhaps this was their way of exorcising their own perceived demons and reaching out to the world in a subtle way and saying: "actually - this goes on more than you realise, and it's OK that it does..." :thinking:

Food for thought again...

Katey x

[Emi_]

We all like to look back on our lives for the subtle " clues" that reassure us that the universe did indeed intend for us to be this way. For some, there are some deeply impactful images like the ones you've described. They serve as a kind of validation I suppose.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Cynthia
What an interesting post. I have moments, like everyone else on this site I guess, wherei question myself and feel the need slipping. It seems to be part of a cycle but I have found these moments are becoming less frequent. For most of this week I have been thinking about the point to it all and feeling a bit ambivalent. But then last night I had a quick look through some recent photos and looking at them made me recall how good I felt in the clothes. I might add though that this feeling of ambivalence coincides with a couple of stressful weeks at work which have demanded my full attention. Rekindling the feeling of being dressed made me also feel relaxed and settled.
So tonight I will make myself up, sit back with a wine and chat with friends.
I am so looking forward to it
Luv
Amanda
X