Do we intimidate our SO

[Rachael Leigh]

I was giving thought to a few things and this question popped into my head. As a CD do you think we can intimidate our SO when we dress or even just in things we do to make ourselves look better, IE color our nails, shave our legs. I mean we are not women and our wives or GF are the ones who want to look pretty and shop and such. So I wondered with my wife who knows but is not one who really wants much to do with my dressing is she intimated by the things I do because I have crossed over in her domain so to speak.
My wife is truly beautiful in her way and by that she is not a runway model but she has much more beauty inside and I love her just as she is. I do love it when she gets made up and fixes herself up but I like her anyway she looks.
So is it that because I am a few sizes smaller or look good in a short skirt or what that might not go well for her.
I know she does for the most part feel this is just something I should not do but if she were to come around would she be a little intimidated by how I look over her looks.

[CynthiaD]

To be honest, I don't know how wives generally feel about it, or even how my own wife feels about it, but I'm pretty sure intimidated is not the answer. In my case, I think mystified and exasperated would be closer to the truth.

[Teresa]

Leigh you could be right but It's not on my list of questions I need to ask, but will give it some thought !
Have you thought about asking your wife the question ? Let us know if you do !

[Suzanne F]

My wife is not intimidated at all. She laughs about me being girly and calls me Buffy! She is a cool woman and dresses like one. She wears girl jeans with boots etc. I always know what she would like. However, I like a more girly look with skirts and cute shoes etc.. We appreciate our differences and laugh about it. I love that she is a confident, strong woman that is comfortable in her own skin. She has provided a great example for me!
Suzanne

[Kate Simmons]

I don't think it's as big of a deal that we sometimes make it out to be. Especially if the woman in question has a strong positive self image.:)

[Isabella Ross]

My wife, who has no reason to be intimidated, often looks at my legs and says, "I wish I had those." She actually does appear to be envious...sort of like when she looks at another gorgeous GG, or notices me looking at one. Hmmm. You've got me thinking...

[Crissy Kay]

I think Bridgette is on to something here. Its my guess that some GG"s think that their cd SO looks better then they do!! In some cases they are right!!!

[Gretchen_To_Be]

While my wife is not intimidated by me (she is a total knockout), I know for a fact that she feels I am encroaching on her domain of femininity. She has remarked once or twice questioning why she should bother to wear lingerie, or heels, skirts and dresses, since I can just wear them myself. I have tried to reassure her that I don't wear those items to supplant her, or in place of her wearing them...I love it when she wears sexy things. It's more of "double the pleasure", if I can feel what she is feeling on her skin, and partially look like her. I think she sort of understands, but the doubts do creep in from time to time.

[hope springs]

My wife suggested i try on a dress after she decided it didnt flatter her. So i did and her comment was " holy crap you look better than i do in that dress", but in a depressed, dejected tone. Im fairly skinny and have very passable girl legs. I dont think the word is intimidated so much as depressed. It cant be good for the ego if your hubby can pull off outfits you cant. But ive read comments from GGs in other forums they feel their CD hubby is treading on their turf. The non-accepting SOs have a variety of reasons for disliking CDing. Thats part of the reason i like GGs on this forum, at least they are trying to undertand. Some women dont even try and file for divorce. But yeah, if you can rock an outfit i can see how an SO might get pissy about it

[Tabitha Storm]

I know I do. Mine knows I dress but I won't in front of her. She has seen some pictures and gets jealous. She isn't mad of me dressing just is jealous on how I look. So I don't dress when she is around.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Ha! My answer to this question is NO!! Never once felt intimidated or that my husband is anything more than a man masquerading as a woman. That alone takes away any intimidation...unless you're taking about worrying for his mental state?? That could be threatening to a new GG, for sure.

But jealousy?? Yeah, I believe this to be one of the great CD myths. We might get jealous you're wearing the things we wear, but I doubt many women feel you're a serious threat to their femininity. After all, you're men!! Where's the threat??

[Wildaboutheels]

Many/most females expend a "lot of effort" on their appearance to compete for/keep a man. This is a well established FACT. So ... few women will be intimidated although a number might be resentful if they have let their figures go and/or their SO dons SPECIFIC female clothing items to help them get to the promised land.

This very thing ^^^ is likely what prompts many men to turn to CDing in their "later years". There are hundreds of posts that attest to this.

[Kris Avery]

My SO loves me and isn't intimidated by any of it.

She doesn't completely understand it or why I am driven to do it - but has a good idea.
She is NOT intimidated by me in any way.
She is beautiful and knows it. You don't detract from that by dressing up.

She does feel let 'off the hook' for not having to be uncomfortable and needing to be uber sexy..I can be the one in the tight and sexy clothes....and therefore the need is met for both of us...Perfect.

Now...if I were just sexy...all would be well...

[Jenniferathome]

Leigh, we are DUDES in a dress. Our wives are not intimidated. "Creeped out a little" is a better reference point. Confused is highly likely. A woman is not going to compare herself to a man and question her femininity.

[Anna H]

Mine's certainly not intimidated at all....but she's Really used to it
after 25 years of it.

She told me I looked like a 'hoochie mama" the other night when
I came in in a pink mini skirt and zebra print top. Heck, I was working
so I just wanted to be comfortable...lol!

Of course, she was just teasing me. She's a lot of fun! :)

[Shawn_Always]

A lot of interesting "takes" coming from all of the responses I've read so far. My wife and I have had a few discussions about me cding. And some of your responses hit on her "concerns" for lack of a better word. I read of "encroachment" in one post where, to paraphrase, why should I wear lingerie if you are going to. I feel the same way as some here; I'm not trying to outshine her, I just enjoy dressing and TRYING to be pretty sometimes. I can't totally explain it to her and its so new to her that she can't exactly explain her feelings. All she knows is that its something very odd to her. She definitely is not "intimidated" or "jealous", she just knows she married a man who she loves unconditionally even if he's a little odd.

[noeleena]

Hi,

No we are not intiminated yet some of us dont have that beauty that many women do have , im not in any way intiminated because you are dressing like us

what does get to me is because many here and on many other forums im on the men do dress in a way as i,v said out class out dress out look and makes me look like what the hell are you trying to do and dress like other females,

yes i get embarrist yes i get frustrated and dont like how i look and yes im a female who looks like am i trying to fool others that im a female when i dont look like one,

The difference is of cause you are a male im not does not help matters,

You talk about clothes ,

i dont try and look like any other female,s im my own person and dress as i think fits and looks right for my self wether i get it right is beside the point ,I dress to my facial features just plain and simple yet do dress in my garb Renaissance clothes and in the main suits me to a tee, as for other clothes,,,, yes i get nice comments ,

Best way to explain i dont have many photos taken only some of our groups meeting and do,s other wise i cringe at those taken of me by others, i like being behind my camara not in front,

I would say yes your SO would be i know how she feels because i feel like her , for myself its more im embarrissed i know what its like iv been to large meetings where most were dresser,s and 3 of us women ,

its like if you cant accept me for who i am then go away i dont wont to be around you . fact is you dont wont to be around me thats the truth because i dont dress in a way like you,
and i know first hand what its like, you feel so crushed ,

...noeleena...

[GenieGirl]

Its a touchy situation. I just say don't push it and let her know she is the prettier one no matter what you might think. My exgf was very uncomfortable and messed with her womanhood with me around as a girl. She is pretty jealous and yeah....it bothered her a lot the outfits I could pull of. We don't take pics together is all I will say.....Ginger

[Marcelle]

Hi Leigh,

Great post BTW. When these questions crop up I normally go to the source for the answer . . . my wife. So yesterday I was dressed and picked her up from the transit station. So I asked her . . . she laughed and said "Seriously . . . Are you intimidated when I wear typical guy clothes and no make-up when doing yard work?" I laughed as well "Point taken"

All this to say that if a person has a healthy self esteem (boy or girl) it is highly unlikely that anyone can shake their sense of self. :) :battingeyelashes:

Hugs

Isha

[Lee Andrews]

My wife is beautiful and when she dresses up is stunning. I would never on my best day hold a candle to her in the female department. She has zero to be intimidated from me.
I'd say intimidated is the wrong word. She has said over the years when she's seen enough Lee or parts of her that she would like to be the only woman in our relationship for awhile. Sadly for me that means not even a skirt or any other article of clothing while in mostly boy mode, hanging around the house.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leigh, My wife is not unterminated she just don't want to see me dressed.
My wife doesn't like to get all dressed up I wish she would wear so many of my pretty things.

[Katey888]

Leigh - I think this is insightful of you... :clap:

There are a lot of negative answers here - but some also offering slightly different perspectives (resentment, mystified, bothered...) - I have a feeling that the negative answers are from the fortunate members, which is understandable... There is also a possibility you will get supportive rationalisation from some people who won't want to believe that their wife or SO wouldn't be intimidated. And as unfortunate as it may be, I think there is every possibility that some GGs - who may not have particularly strong self-esteem or have other insecurities - will be intimidated or even threatened by our behaviour and how much effort we put into it...

More objectively, might it be intimidating for some men whose SO happened to have a better job than them; could drive a truck better than them; could play golf better than them; could drink shots better than them; could cycle better than them (I could go on - and often do, I know... :))... I think the answer must be that it could be intimidating, and we'd be kidding ourselves again if we thought that this wasn't one of the factors that contributes to CDing being an issue.

Insightful and honest, Leigh... :hugs:

Katey x

[bridget thronton]

I doubt that my SO is not intimidated by anyone.

[Nikki A.]

I know that my wife was a times put off if I went to far dressing. I'm not sure if intimidated was the right word, but if I "looked " too passable she'd get very insecure.

[MatildaJ.]

My question is: what difference does it make to you if she is or isn't intimidated?

Suppose you consider yourself a fantastic golfer. You have a best friend for many decades, and you find that while he used to go golfing with you once in a while, now he never agrees to. Would you post to your golfing discussion board: "Do you think he's intimidated by my amazing golfing skills?" That's certainly possible, though it's also possible that he just never enjoyed the game and finds you less fun to golf with now that you take your game so seriously.

But let's say the answer is yes, your friend is probably intimidated by how great a golfer you are, and feels bad that he doesn't have your skills. Where does that lead you? Do try to keep his feelings in mind and invite him to come out and do other things with you, that don't involve golf? Or do you just take pleasure in knowing you can intimidate him?

Added later: assuming you know your wife doesn't enjoy your time en femme as much as your time as a man -- does it matter whether "intimidation" is one of the factors that affects her mood? Is it gratifying to think that you intimidate her? Or can you just keep her preferences in mind and try to show up as a happy man because you know that pleases her?

[jules]

My wife dose not feel intimidated but feel (at first) like she had to make sure she was dressed more womenley?
Sometimes we have a laugh other times there is friction. But a lot of it is me because of my trouble self acceptance.
What I'm trying to say is she comes first and I never try to outdo her (that is not going to happen)
I always remember her feelings. That is very important and play it from ear from there.
But everyone is different.

Julie summers

[Stephanie47]

My wife feels men should not wear dresses or other feminine garments. She is not at all intimidated. She does think my legs are great and I have a nice ass. Except for my loss of hair I am pretty much the same physique as I was when we first met. She has self esteem issues about her body. She has gained too much unhealthy weight over the years. If we were to get into a "Who looks better in a dress?" competition, I would probably win. How do I know? She avoids dresses like the plague.

[Lorileah]

OK, no SO anymore but I have a perspective on this. Last weekend was my class reunion. None of mt classmates had met "me" before. There were two get togethers, both were casual dress (at least not slouchy sloppy), I knew I would be over dressed for both occasions because I dress that way all the time. How did the women react to that? No complaints, no confrontations, just hugs and wanting to bring me into their conversations. As far as I could tell out of probably 60 women not one said anything about WHAT I wore ( I am sure some were not happy about who I was). On the male side though, most men avoided me. I don't think it was the dresses

Are women intimidated? Why would they be? You will NEVER be what they are. Are you trying to make them jealous? Just remember, on your best day you will never be the real woman they are.

[Di]

As a GG I would say never intimidated.

Sherlyn has legs to die for and I do not....I am proud of her and she thinks I am beautiful as well.

I dress up most times...as that is just how I like to dress....Sherlyn dresses like the girl next door mostly ( cept when I twist her arm to wear something a bit more dressy:heehee:)

So my :2c: not intimidated

I like what JessM asked


assuming you know your wife doesn't enjoy your time en femme as much as your time as a man -- does it matter whether "intimidation" is one of the factors that affects her mood? Is it gratifying to think that you intimidate her? Or can you just keep her preferences in mind and try to show up as a happy man because you know that pleases her?

[Rose]

Ha! My answer to this question is NO!! Never once felt intimidated or that my husband is anything more than a man masquerading as a woman. That alone takes away any intimidation...unless you're taking about worrying for his mental state?? That could be threatening to a new GG, for sure.

But jealousy?? Yeah, I believe this to be one of the great CD myths. We might get jealous you're wearing the things we wear, but I doubt many women feel you're a serious threat to their femininity. After all, you're men!! Where's the threat??
Sounds like you have a very negative view of CDing, and the men who do it.

[JuliaM]

My wife, who has no reason to be intimidated, often looks at my legs and says, "I wish I had those." She actually does appear to be envious...sort of like when she looks at another gorgeous GG, or notices me looking at one. Hmmm. You've got me thinking...

My wife is completely jealous of my legs! I'm a cyclist so they are pretty tone and tan in addition to being shaved. To be honest, I like the jealousy!

[Tinkerbell-GG]

Sounds like you have a very negative view of CDing, and the men who do it.

Nope. Just a realistic one. (Read Jenniferathome's answer to see more of the same.)

[EllenJo]

There might be something to this in that most GG's are very self consious about some part of their body. My wife is very small breasted so I do not use DD forms. I stick to a simple A cup bra with inserts to maintain a small chest also. In every other way she is phenomenal, very petite and cute even at 62. So other than making sure that she wears the bigger bra in the family, she has no issues.
Hugs
Ellen Jo

[CarlaWestin]

Interesting to see this thread. Occasionally, I'm invited to go to therapy with my wife. The therapist specializes in issues of gender and was even married to a CD for a while. My wife attends therapy for reasons other than dealing with a CD husband and when I'm there I don't take over the discussion. During the first group meeting, the therapist mentioned that another woman in the house could be viewed as, well, competition. I really got blistered by some other members here when I posted that comment but, it was just the truth. I don't know, because of DADT I just can't tell what her point of view is.

[Rachael Leigh]

Im somewhat surprised by all these great responses and Im glad I got you all to thinking. I guess I just needed to see if why one of her reasons was she felt as if she was less of a women because my attention is to Leigh made her feel left out and intimidated.
Maybe she doesnt feel intimidated and we did talk this weekend about my dressing some more and how I feel when we shop for her and how yes I want to be looking for Leigh but just cant bring myself to subject her to that. Seeing her husband looking at dresses and skirts and such, so maybe its me thats intimated by her lol. I guess my point is Im not in any way trying to take away any of her femininity so I just thought maybe that was how it came out.
I told her I think for me my dressing is and expression of art in a way and I love doing the pictures the makeup and such and I just dont get that but that it is what it is

[Amylou2014]

I'm not intimidated by my husband. I see I man in my cloths. Yes sometimes I may be jealous that he can go from man to man in a dress with pretty hair in 10 mins when it takes me an hour just to do my hair. But ya. Yes it's sad sometimes that cloths I like fit him better.and yes sometimes I feel like I shouldn't bother looking sexy or putting on lingerie.

But bottom line I'm a women and he will never be one and certainly wouldn't pass for one.

[MatildaJ.]

I guess I just needed to see if why one of her reasons was she felt as if she was less of a women because my attention is to Leigh made her feel left out and intimidated... Im not in any way trying to take away any of her femininity so I just thought maybe that was how it came out.

Suppose she did feel "less of a woman" or "left out" or "intimidated" or as if you were "taking away her femininity"? What would that mean for you, if you thought that were true? Would you change your behavior?

Now suppose she doesn't feel "less of a woman" or "left out" or "intimidated"? What would that mean for you? Would you change your behavior?

Why do you want to know? Remember that most CDers here can't explain why they want to crossdress, so maybe it's not surprising that your wives can't always explain their reactions either.

[ReineD]

During the first group meeting, the therapist mentioned that another woman in the house could be viewed as, well, competition. I really got blistered by some other members here when I posted that comment but, it was just the truth.

Yes, but (and excuse my shouting), your wife may feel as if she is competing with Carla FOR YOUR MALE ATTENTION ... and not because you and she are competing for the attention of your gorgeous male neighbor for example, who is looking at you more than your wife because you are so much more gorgeous than her.

You all do realize, don't you, that women get jealous of other women only when they are vying for the same men? When no men are at issue, there's nothing to be jealous about!

It never ceases to amaze me that so many of you project your own behavioral motives onto the women in your lives. Who is really jealous of who here? lol

For those of you whose wives are heavier than you, here's a bit of advice: if your wives are upset, it is more about their own negative body images than anything to do with you. If your wives feel like this they should get themselves brand new outfits, take an all-out spa day and makeover, and then see how they feel about themselves.

http://www.coupay.com/topoften/plus-size-dresses-plus-size-womens-can-also-look-now-hot-and-beauty-full/ (scroll down)

.. and when we say, "oh, I'm so jealous of your (legs, hair, teeth, nails, dress, whatever)", it is meant as a compliment. It does not indicate the type of jealousy that I'm sensing many of you wish your wives/girlfriends felt.

[CarlaWestin]

Reine, my wife gets all of my male attention. Cerebral, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical and every other 'al. She is just the love of my life and I just happen to be a crossdresser. The ingraination of hollow morality due to her upbringing is the only obstruction to her acceptance of my true self. And really, attracting the male neighbor?

[SO1Adam12]

In a word, NO.

[kimdl93]

No. We don't intimidate women because of our attempts.

It is possible that dressing can inadvertently play on a woman's body image or feelings of inadequacy. Think about it. One of the common questions or concerns raised by the partner of a CDr is "am I not woman enough". It's a logical question....a woman may be feeling doubts about her attractiveness and she may erroneously conclude that the husband has found a substitute in dressing up.

[mechamoose]

It depends as much on your girl's self image as it does yours, hon. She may be supportive, she may be jealous, she may be indifferent. There is no single answer. It is dependent on your relationship with her.

My wife steals my stuff all the time, not because she is being mean, but because I have good taste.

I *grumble* and let her have the thing.

- MM

[ReineD]

The ingraination of hollow morality due to her upbringing is the only obstruction to her acceptance of my true self. And really, attracting the male neighbor?

I went a little overboard to illustrate that woman A is jealous of woman B, only when woman A fears that woman B will take the man that woman A has or wants. The competition only exists when there are men to compete over. Which obviously doesn't happen in hetero marriages with CDers, and so the notion that wives are jealous of their oh so gorgeous husbands is ridiculous.

And when women do think they are "not woman enough" (I've heard some wives who are new to the CDing express this thought), it is because they feel their husbands are more interested sexually in their own female personas than they are in their wives. Most women who are new at this will wonder whether their husbands would crossdress if the husbands were sexually satisfied with their wives.

I can see where a woman who is unhappy with her body might feel depressed over seeing her husband get into clothes that are too small for her. But, this same woman would also feel the same way about any GG who can get into smaller sizes. So as I mentioned earlier, this is more about the woman's own negative body image than it is about being jealous of her husband. People are not jealous of the people they love. It just doesn't happen like that.

One person above said that his wife asked "why bother with lingerie" when the husband wears it. Translated, this means, "why should I bother wearing something meant to excite you, when apparently it is your preference to excite yourself with your own lingerie".

I honestly think that as men (some? many?) CDers are naturally competitive, and this is why so many of you believe that your wives feel they are competing with you. You are projecting your own behaviors/feelings onto your wives. You just don't get it (those of you who feel that your wives are jealous). Also, I think the reason these threads appear so often is because some of you have a different notion of beauty than non-CDers. You place a premium on nice clothes, grooming, painted nails, etc, and when these things are present you think this is what defines beauty.

I personally see beauty in a person's face, whether or not there is any makeup even if the person is wearing a burlap bag. And I think that men in general feel as I do. I've seen men ogle a beautiful woman when she was wearing nothing but blue jeans and a Tshirt, and had her hair back in a pony tail. She just happened to have had the right bone structure, the right body, and the right age. The rest is just superficial.

[suchacutie]

Intimidated? LOL!

I will never forget how completely inept I felt as my wife tried to teach Tina how to 'be' a girl. I felt like a little child listening with rapt attention to my patient wife as she tried to explain all of the intricacies that she performed and understand naturally. There was an intimidated person in the room, but it wasn't she, for sure. Yes, she is jealous of my legs, but I'm jealous of her everything else! As a male,I can be intimidating, but my wife is very aware of her superiority in the feminine arena!

[Eryn]

I think that the answers are as varied as our SOs.

Some SOs have lives that are firmly tied to their own gender roles. Living with someone who blurs their gender roles makes them uncomfortable.

Others are more flexible and have an easier time with us.

I am lucky that my spouse has grown accustomed to Eryn and we have a very good time together. We're partners and not in competition with each other.

[Amylou2014]

Nope. Just a realistic one. (Read Jenniferathome's answer to see more of the same.)

Yep. Women don't look at you guys and think "wow a beautiful lady" we think " nice legs,thin,.......no butt, no boobs, 5oclock shadow,....still just a man in a dress.

And I don't think negatively about cding. I help my husband look as girly as I can possibly make him. But it will still never be enough so intimidation is far from the right word.

[ArleneRaquel]

I would have to say that my female dressing was most influenced by my mothers style. Her 1950's style lingerie, love of red lips and nails, and cat's eye frames. My late wife also influenced my style, but her style was much like my mothers, even down to her choice of eyewear. She wore glasses since the age of twelve, and she did wear cat;s eye frames from time to time. She also wore vintage lingerie is a very alluring way, and red was her lip/nail style, but she wore other colors also.

[Coping2014]

Thank you Renie! I couldn't have said this better myself. My hubby and I were out of town about a month ago and I was helping him find some things and when we were done I was a bit quiet and he did notice and asked if I was OK. I wasn't I hate shopping because I don't like trying on clothes I do have a bad self image of myself and I have had it since high school (and I didn't have any reason to be in high school - I seriously thought I look like I do now and I was hot back then! lol). I told him I was having a hard time seeing him buy things I can't buy but it was my own issue and not having to do with him and the CDing. It is seperate but seeing them buy that type of stuff does exasperated the issue.

I read a lot of these post on the M2F page and honestly I am appauled by the want or joy it seems some display when talking about scenerios such as this one. Why if you love your spouse would you want to make her jealous or feel bad about herself?

Thanks for putting words to my own thoughts Reine - another GG!! :)

Coping2014

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I read a lot of these post on the M2F page and honestly I am appauled by the want or joy it seems some display when talking about scenerios such as this one. Why if you love your spouse would you want to make her jealous or feel bad about herself?



Because, if you read here long enough, you'll see the fantasy that resides very firmly here. The one where a man can put on women's clothing and miraculously become a supermodel that everyone adores and is jealous of, including the spouse. I read many threads here about GG's apparently looking on with envy or admiring glances or whatever...honestly, I have serious doubts this is happening as often as this forum would have us believe, but if you ask me it's all part of the same issue. Crossdressing is clearly not born of physical reality as most men will never look like women no matter how much effort they put in. There will always be telltale signs that we GG's will notice. But this doesn't stop the crossdresser from seeing himself this way, even if it's just an internal view, a bit like how you saw yourself as unattractive in high school even though you were hot. The internal view doesn't always match the external. Look at anorexic women!

The enigma with crossdressing is that for many here their internal 'female image' is more often a fashion model than the girl next door. We GG's don't usually carry a supermodel image around inside us - our internal image is either rooted in reality or sadly, in the negative, so this is very much a male mindset. So it's little wonder we don't understand them anymore than they understand us. Hence these 'jealousy' threads.

As for these threads, I suspect the constant 'jealousy' theme that appears here is based in male competitiveness that finds validation in 'one upping' other people. We struggle to understand this as our competitiveness is not common unless, as Reine pointed out, there's a man involved. And even then, I don't know many women who behave this way past age 13! So these topics puzzle me, too, as it's actually pretty mean to hope people feel bad so you can feel good about yourself.

But I don't think it's done in malice. It's all part of this 'quirky' thing called crossdressing :)

[Beverley Sims]

My wife is a little put off when I present well.
The better I present the more put off she is.

I do have to temper this one a lot. :)

[Talisker]

Great post Tinker bell.
My SO jokes that she's jealous of my legs. I'm sure she would wear more skirts if they were longer and thinner but there is no point dwelling on things you can't change. That's life.