One year into transition, and I'm really happy

[PaulaQ]

I started my transition on Aug 4 of last year - I went full-time at that point. I started HRT on the 23rd of August last year.

I was pretty miserable when I started. I hated myself. I hated my face, my body, and especially my genitals. I was depressed, anxiety ridden, and suffered from panic attacks. My wife had just kicked me out. I was just a train wreck!

When I started my transition, I was anxious to get to the end - you know, the part where I got to be "a real girl." I was just desperate to feel better because I hated my life so much.

But a funny thing has happened along the way, though I'm nowhere near the end of my transition - I feel just a helluva a lot better. I like myself now. I like the woman who looks back at me in the mirror. Moving to the gay district of Dallas was a huge change for me. I was a straight white guy all my life - I was a stranger in a strange land.

But I joined the community. I volunteer at an AIDS center now. I go to support and 12 step groups here. I dine in neighborhood restaurants, I buy groceries here, I really live here now. I've made lots of friends. I love this place, and I love my life here.

I thought that transition would be this awkward in between phase of my life, the part I had to get through to live a real life. And the first 9 months or so definitely qualified as awkward!

But I find now that I'm living a very different life than I lived before, and I love my life now! I'm happy now, really for the first time I can remember. I'm a woman. People mostly treat me as such, and I usually ignore the ones who don't. I have many friends in the local trans community. I have partners now, and it feels like family between us.

I'm living my life now, while in transition, and I love it. I just never expected to really live at this point - it's so different from any way I've lived before. I've changed a lot too - it took a while to come to terms with those changes, but I'm just a very different person. I'm a lot more spiritual than I was before, for instance.

I am happy now - such a simple thing to say, but it eluded me for so long.

[Michelle789]

Paula,

Congrats on your year anniversary!!! I can relate to your comments about being in transition. I actually came into this with the same idea that I was going to be some in-betweener who didn't have a life and I had to wait 3 years to get SRS to officially start my life. All of those ideas have been completely busted as I have learned many things. Although I am using "you" pronouns, I am speaking to everyone on this forum, just as general observations. Kinda like "you all", or "ya'all" as they'd say in Texas!!!

That you don't have to have SRS to live life as a woman, and you have to get SRS unless you really feel you need or want it.

You don't have to pass to start living life nor to go full time.

You don't have to go on hormones to go full time.

You don't have to have started hair removal to go full time, although I highly recommend doing as much hair removal as possible before going full time (if it's possible for you to wait that long lolol)

You can have a life lived largely in the transgender community. There's lots of opportunities in major cities like L.A. or Dallas.

You can even start living life among cis people, as I have had several experiences among cis people recently.

Oh, and you can live life while "in transition".

I also finally decided to go to my first AA meeting as my authentic self last night, and I felt tremendously better about myself.

Btw, you (and I mean you personally this time) are a real girl. You were just born in the wrong body.

My life is drastically different than it was before too, although much of it is because I'm actually in a relationship now after decades of being single, so that is another transition in itself.

[Bria]

Paula, congads on your anniversary, I have followed your posts though out the past year and can attest to the difference in your outlook. I remember back then thinking, what an angry and unhappy person, I'm not sure that I would want to know that person. Happily that angry, unhappy person is gone, to be replaced by one that see a positive future ahead. I hope that the upward curve continues for you, I remember you in my prayers!

Hugs Bria

[arbon]

You've come a long way Paula! :)

[Angela Campbell]

I'm glad to hear that you are happy

[I Am Paula]

I'm so glad for you. I too have followed your posts from the start, and some were truly heart breaking. I'm glad you are finding yourself, and happy at that.
:)

[becky77]

Wow Paula that's a lovely change. I'm really pleased for you.

[PretzelGirl]

Paula, there can be so much peace in being yourself. I am happy it has gone that way for you.

[Rachel Smith]

I know the happiness of which you speak and how different I am now as compared to before HRT. I hope like me that feeling never leaves you.

Rachel

[Kaitlyn Michele]

:):hugs::D:drink::thumbsup::cheer:

[kimdl93]

After having witnessed, in a manner if speaking, the struggles and anguish you have been through, it's really great to know that you're feeling happy and at home.

[Barbara Ella]

Paula, I am so happy to read this. We have shared many things over this time, and following your journey has given me joy and strength. Enjoy your happiness, and may you have more.

Hugs,

Barbara

[dreamer_2.0]

You wouldn't mind if I printed this post and used it as wallpaper, eh? It makes me happy to see what you've accomplished, especially after such a rough start (familiar territory now). I hope everything continues to go well for you, Paula!

[traci_k]

Paula,

Good to hear you are happy and things are going well.

Hugs,

Traci