CDs with children

[Nadya]

In about a year, I'll be married to my fiancé and maybe children could be in the near future after that. Those with families with young children, what do you do about dressing and having children? First, are you open to everyone that you are a CD/TG? Are you open with your children about it? If you are still closeted, do you still tell them? Are you worried they will talk about it in school? This has been a question I've thought about for a while. Who knows where I'll be (in terms of job and my status of CD) when I'm ready for children. My fiancé said that if I want to stay in the closet, that being open with them might not be good for that. Maybe this will give me the push to come out of the closet because keeping secrets can definitely have an emotional impact. All comments welcome. :)

[bridget thronton]

I waited till our kids were out of high school to share full details (they only caught me dressed a few time before that). My spouse insisted if I was going out the kids needed to hear the story from me and not from gossip (she was right and my kids are OK with it)

[Kate Simmons]

I used to be in Army Intel. I learned the value of dispensing information on a "need to know" basis. This carried over into my family when I got married, including my children. As the expression goes "loose lips can sink ships".:)

[Gretchen_To_Be]

My kids don't know. I intend to keep it that way as long as possible! That may be harder as they get older and stay up later...

[Allison Chaynes]

My kids do not know and I intend to keep it that way as long as I can. Unfortunately, they can be very perceptive, so when I do wear women's jeans, I make sure they're not noticeably women's. Doing laundry is another area you have to be careful about, especially when they notice that Mommy has two different sizes and styles of underwear.

[kymmieLorain]

Well being that two of my kids are out of the house and only one still home. I try and dress when he is gone. I have been caught by both my older ones. nothing said.

Kymmie

[Laura28]

I Have two grown kids daughters. I do not want them to ever know. Being a CD and not planning to ever change my sex I see no reason for anyone other then myself and my wife to know. Kids today don't need to know and they have enough on their plates now why confuse them with this. Let's face it they will talk that's a given. I feel sad for the kids today they are not aloud to be kids anymore we want to include them on everything. Let them play have fun enjoy their youth life is tough but when your a kid it should be just fun.

I will also say we do not lie to our kids if they ask questions that may not be age appropiate we would discuss it with them at their level. They don't need all the fact at a young age.

Just my two cents from a CD dad who raised two very well adjusted and successful girls.

[mechamoose]

In about a year, I'll be married to my fiancé and maybe children could be in the near future after that. Those with families with young children, what do you do about dressing and having children? First, are you open to everyone that you are a CD/TG? Are you open with your children about it? If you are still closeted, do you still tell them?

Kids accept as 'normal' what you teach them is normal.

Be YOU, honey. Don't lie to your kids about who you are. They will become the agents of change for those of us who follow.

Teach your kids, TRUST your kids.

<3

- MM

[Princess Grandpa]

My children are both grown. They both know I like to dress up. My son and his three children are in our home. The children don't see me in dresses, forms, make up or wig. I live my life in female clothing, but pants and tops rather than dresses and skirts. My nails are painted. I don't really hide that gender bending. Rita however is rarely seen in the main stream world. I hide her from the children just as I do the rest of the world outside our community.

My son has pointed out that exposure to lgbt individuals is how we encourage acceptance. People with family members who are lgbt are far more likely to be accepting of individuals who are lgbt. As they get older I may reevaluate things. I seriously considered cleaning my nail polish off before the oldest's back to school night.

Hug
Rita

[Teresa]

Ryce,
First of all congratulations I hope everything goes smoothly for you !
Children will bring a whole set of new problems and you'll find dressing will get push to one side anyway ! Children are your future and they will grow up with their own problems they will need help and guidance from you, try not give them problems with your dressing. Telling them early is far riskier than leaving it or not telling them at all, once said you can't retract those words. Some people think telling their children is a selfish act, others say a totally open house is a happy house the final decision is yours !
I personally think my Cding problems and feelings wouldn't have been made any easier if my children knew and may have alienated me more from my family !

[mechamoose]

I seriously considered cleaning my nail polish off before the oldest's back to school night.

Don't do it, sweetie! Be YOU! So what if you are 'unusual'? Be loud & proud!

What is the worst that could happen?

Really...

- MM


I personally think my Cding problems and feelings wouldn't have been made any easier if my children knew and may have alienated me more from my family !

Ok, fine.. but why would those decisions have made it *harder*?

YOU teach your kids what is normal. If you don't, then who gets to? (Think about that)

I'm a guy in a dress. I'm a girl in a big furry male body. I act how I *feel* instead of how I look. I kiss it better. I decorate. I cook. I like pretties..

Which of those things are bad parenting?

- MM

[JamieG]

My wife and I have two girls, ages 5 and 9. We agree that, for now, neither should know that I am a crossdresser. However, we are raising them to be open-minded and not constrained by gender roles. They know that both mom and dad are supportive of LGBT rights (although the B and T haven't come up directly) and they have met some of our gay friends. They've met some of our CD friends too, but only when those friends were en drab. They also know that I have performed in drag for a few charity events, which has the additional benefit that it can provide a little cover if they go poking through my closet. We may eventually decide to tell them, but not until we feel that it won't be much of a burden for them to keep my secret.

Jamie

p.s. This topic gets addressed every so often on this forum. If you do a search, you can augment what you find out from replies to your threads with lots of other thoughtful comments on the issue.

[StaceyJane]

My high school age daughter figured me out and surprised me by telling me she knew. She was okay with it.

[Zoe B]

My children are 6 and 8, although I don't live with them and neither of them know about my cross-dressing. When it comes to it though I have no intention of lying to them about it and my fiancée agrees with me.

[mechamoose]

I'd like to repeat for those of us who have not gone through it...

Your kids won't care, if that is all they have ever known.

If YOU are not afraid of it, then THEY won't be.

Been there, done that, have the cami.

<3

- MM

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ryce, My two daughters are in their mid 40s' and I see no need to burden either one of them with this burden.

[Butterfly Bill]

My experience with children is: If they see the adults around them acting like it's normal, they will think it's normal too. If they see the adults acting like it's something to be ashamed of, they will feel that way too. Be out and normal about it.

[Ginger Jameson]

I've got one kids living with me full time, my 3 year old granddaughter. I've got two others who split their time between my house and their mom's (they're 10 and 12).

I told my granddaughter one night when the others weren't home by coming to dinner in a sparkly dress. She loved it. Nowadays I often come home from work and change into something girly. When I do she asks me if I'm going to wear boobies or not. She thinks it's funny when I do. The hardest part with her has been trying to teach her that it's not polite to poke Muhmuh in the breast. :) For her it's just the way the world works. Muhmuh sometimes likes to be pretty and there's nothing strange about it.

The other two I told in conversation first. They're ok with it but I worry about weirding them out so I don't usually dress when they're here. I have worn pajama style clothes in front of them and they've never complained. my daughter compliments my choices a lot. so it looks like the weirdness is all on my part. I'm hoping to overcome it soon. :)

My advice is to be honest from day one. Children learn what is shameful and what is normal from their parents. If you live your life in the closet and they eventually find out, all you've done is spent your life reinforcing the idea that crossdressing is something that should be locked away from the world.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

We have 5 kids at home and, rather than surprise them with something they didn't understand, we both sat down with them and had a family discussion. All the kids were ok with it. We have 4 boys ages 11, 15, 17, and 19 as well as 1 daughter age 13. We answered all questions and emphasized that I was still dad just like to dress girly sometimes. We have always told them that differences in people are ok and we will love and accept them no matter what direction their own lives take them. I have found our children to be very resilient and open minded thus far. We have had friends of the family at the house who arrive en femme and it is a normal dinner and conversation with all the children and my wife involved. I don't regret telling them for a second!

[Laura J]

I have three children, although two are only 4 months old so wouldn't care what I was wearing. My 7 year old has seen me in nighties and dressed up once. She seems OK with it. We haven't talked explicitly to her about it. My wife would prefer I didn't dress up around the kids.

[mariehart]

I have two boys. When they were 6 and 4. They casually informed a sister in law that I wanted to be a girl much to her consternation and amusement. This was because of a joke between me and my wife which they overheard and completely misunderstood. I was not out to my wife at that point. The irony of course is that they were right.

That's the real problem with telling children too soon. They will tell everyone. It will come up in conversation when you least need it. If you don't want anyone to know you cannot let them find out until they can keep it a secret.

If you are open about it they run the risk of bullying from other kids.

I won't be telling mine anytime soon.

[Krisi]

First, the decision to tell your children will be something that you and your wife arrive at together. Don't ask strangers on the Internet.

Second, if you tell your children or they find out by accident, they will tell people outside the home. If you and your wife are comfortable with the public knowing you are a crossdresser, tell your children . If not, don't.

[MatildaJ.]

My husband doesn't dress around the kids and we haven't told them about it. (We also haven't told them about our interest in kink, though if they explored our closets they would figure that out.)

Like JamieG we have introduced them to our gay and trans friends. Now, as young teens, they know gay & trans people in high school as well. We've also made it clear that we would love them the same if they turned out gay or trans.

[Dianne S]

I did not tell my kids when they were little. I came out to them recently, when they were 12, 16 and 20 years old (all girls.) They are all fine with it, though I think the 16-year-old gets a little uncomfortable when I'm in Dianne mode. We've also told them they can tell their friends; the 20-year-old told her boyfriend and the 16-year-old told a friend. No big deal at all; most kids don't care about their friends' parents.

[Athena_]

My wife and I agree to keep the knowledge of my "curious habit" from the children at this point. My college age daughter is very open minded and I am sure would be fine with that knowledge, the teenage boys are not ready, yet. That being said, we often discuss as a family the critical nature of being accepting of all types of people.

[Kris Avery]

My lovely SO and I don't feel it's in the best interest of any of our kids - so it remains private.

[suchacutie]

There are many details of my life (personal and married) that I see no reason to pass to an offspring. Each item needs to be addressed on its merits, and being transgendered is in the category of "don't need to know". That could change as time proceeds, but that's the current status.

[Donnagirl]

I have three boys, two are teenagers, the other soon to be. All know or at least suspect but the SO was a little concerned as to who they would tell. She was more concerned about the other mums at school questioning her.

We have recently decided that the boys should know and I will be breaking the news to them very soon. (At least I can now escape from behind the bedroom door!!)

[Laura28]

I see a lot of post talking about teaching the kids what we do is normal, It isnt normal not even a little, if it was wouldnt we all be out walking down the streets and not in the closet? None of us would ever need therapy? What we do is not the norm in any shape or matter. However i raised both of my daughters to be color blind, to be accepting and loving to all no matter their dress, sexual preferance, skin color. All that really matters is, are they truely a good Human Being.

As a side it seemed to work because i have watched them grow up to become Wonderful woman who accept people for who they are regadless of color, sexual preferance,or gender. I watched them friend the underdog at school, when no one else would and include them in their group. I know if i was to ever tell them about my dressing they wouldnt blink an eye, but there is no reason for them to know. My wife and i dont discuss every detail of our lifes with them, they have enough on their plate making their way in the world.

[mechamoose]

Laura28: When I was born, abortion was illegal. It was still very much ok to discriminate based on race. The Stonewall riots hadn't happened yet.

Normal is what we teach is normal. In 1950-60's America, it was perfectly 'normal' for Southern kids to be taught that segregation was not only ok, but *expected*.

I *do* wear girl stuff out in public every day, thank you.

I was up front with my kids that I *expected* them to have sex.. at 13. Not because I thought they would flaunt around, but because it was human and natural. They would have *no idea* when an opportunity would be presented to them... I kept a stash of 'no questions asked' condoms in a place where my boy had access to them. I put my daughter on birth control when she was old enough to able to be, 'so long as she lived under my roof'. She thanked me for that when she was older.

Normal is what we make it. If *you* are embarrassed by it, then they will be too.

You need to trust your kids as though they were 'adults with training wheels', not 'babies'. You shape their world view until they get into mid teens. If you wait until then to shape that view, it is already too late.

- MM

[Dianne S]

I see a lot of post talking about teaching the kids what we do is normal, It isnt normal not even a little, if it was wouldnt we all be out walking down the streets and not in the closet?

I am out walking down the streets and not in the closet.

"Normal" is over-rated. Every advance made by humanity has been made by the "abnormal", whether abnormally intelligent, abnormally creative, or whatever. I am proud not to be normal.


I know if i was to ever tell them about my dressing they wouldnt blink an eye, but there is no reason for them to know.

That's fine and I absolutely respect that. Every situation and every family is different. In my case, I have to present as a woman at least part of the time in order to stay healthy and sane. I had to tell my kids because I had to live an authentic life.

[JocelynRenee]

How do you define "normal"? What we do may not be normal when the population of comparison is the world, but the equation certainly changes when the population is limited to this forum, or our own homes. In my mind the decision should be based, not on what's normal, but instead on what is true.

As others have already pointed out it is not always necessary to share every truth with others. The decision to share is a personal one. I chose to live a dual-gendered life outside of the home, so for me the decision was simple.

[Rogina B]

"Your nail color looks great with these shoes" said my 12 yr old daughter as she did up one buckle as I did the other this past Saturday afternoon at our local TJ Max store. She has been out and about with me since she was 5.We live like 3 girls in a house so it perhaps isn't the usual here.

[mechamoose]

"Your nail color looks great with these shoes" said my 12 yr old daughter

Not just accepting, but a fashion critic!

Awesome! You are doing 'it' right, hon! }:>

- MM

[Rachelakld]

I had a lovely GIRLS day out with miss 16 last week - shopping & lunch.
I do the paper round with miss 15 (after sunset as she doesn't want her friends knowing she does a "lowly" job), I'm often wearing leggings, little top and bra.
Miss 11 has seen me fully dressed quite a few occasions.

At their school, there a few transgender & gay kids, and the school teaches tolerance for all.
It's still uncool for parents to be different, which they think is unfair, but know not to blab it to the other kids as it will come back badly to them.

Miss 21 will never know - She would scream it out to everyone in a random manor even if the subject at hand was lawn mowing (she is in tolerant of anyone that does not fit her "norm")

[Dianne S]

Not just accepting, but a fashion critic!

Oh, I can relate to that! I come downstairs and my daughter looks at me. She shakes her head and say "No, no good. You need to tuck in the shirt and put a belt on the skirt. And you need different earrings."

And the hell of it is: I look way better after following her advice. :)

[mechamoose]

Dianne S: You did it right, hon! Give that little one a BIG kiss & hug.

You have moved past 'acceptance' and into 'normal'!!

<3 <3

- MM

[MelanieAnne]

I Have two grown kids daughters. I do not want them to ever know. Being a CD and not planning to ever change my sex I see no reason for anyone other then myself and my wife to know. Kids today don't need to know and they have enough on their plates now why confuse them with this. Let's face it they will talk that's a given. I feel sad for the kids today they are not aloud to be kids anymore we want to include them on everything. Let them play have fun enjoy their youth life is tough but when your a kid it should be just fun.
Best answer. Your kids have no need to know. I never have and never will do anything that might diminish their respect for me as a man, or father. My kids are grown now, and as far as I know, have no knowlege of what I do.

[Charla McBee]

I don't think I have much of a choice if this issue ever comes up for me. My sanity demands that I get out of this closet and come out completely as transgender as soon as I figure out how to go about it. I strongly believe I'm going to need some degree of transition too before long so I can't really hide nor do I want to, not from my own hypothetical kids. I wouldn't want them hiding anything this big from me so why would I do it to them?

We all lament how cruel the world can be to people like us and yet many of you choose to perpetuate that situation when you have a golden opportunity to make things slightly better for the next generation. I'm with mechamoose on this, it will never be normal unless we make it so.

[Rogina B]

Charla McBee, From my experiences a lot of your success with family will depend on design of inclusion.Things don't have to "blow up"...

[Dianne S]

I never have and never will do anything that might diminish their respect for me as a man, or father.

Once again... I don't understand this. I completely respect your choice not to tell your kids and would never dream to advise otherwise. But why should the fact that you crossdress diminish anyone's respect for you? As I posted up above, I think my children actually respect me for telling them and for living an authentic life instead of skulking around in the shadows.

You do say your kids are grown now. They may have developed prejudices and attitudes that are hard to overcome. I think if you are going to tell your kids, it's best to do it when they're young before they have assimilated society's prejudices. I sometimes wish I'd told my kids when they were small.

[MelanieAnne]

But why should the fact that you crossdress diminish anyone's respect for you?

It shouldn't! But it probably would. We don't live in a perfect world, and I'm not willing to take a chance and let a genie out of a bottle, that I can't put back in!


I sometimes wish I'd told my kids when they were small.

Be glad you didn't. The whole neighborhood and all the kids in school would have known in a couple days.

[im-sparkles]

I only let my kids see me in half dress (girly shorts,lipstick, earrings ect ). My oldest is4 and he does ask questions and look at me funny at times.However i just do as i feel and deal with it as it comes. I do worry someone will have the same nail polish he will notice one day and say "hey thats like my dadys !" I guess Im just one day at a time.

[Dianne S]

Be glad you didn't. The whole neighborhood and all the kids in school would have known in a couple days.

I think I could live with that, actually. Also, my kids have been very aware of social niceties even from an early age and probably would have known not to blab it to anyone and everyone.

[mechamoose]

I guess I keep coming back to a memory of a documentary which took place in Africa, in a REALLY out of the way place. The tribe there was cooperative and welcoming, but the woman journalist was the first white person they had ever seen. She was an instant 'celebrity' and the focus of everyone's attention.

In our world, being white and having that be 'odd' is laughable.

It is all relative to your experience and local circumstances. We are odd because we are not out there much, and while we might be the center of attention when we are, it is rarely in the 'celebrity' category.

- MM

[Teresa]

MelanieAnne,
I still have to agree with you kids don't need to know ! Help them with their problems don't give them yours !

Sorry MM all I say is a I beg to differ on your attitude to your kid's sexual activities at that age ! I'm not a prude but surely your kids have enough to contend with their general education !
My school gave me six hours of homework every night, all day Saturday school and divinity homework on Sundays ! I couldn't have fitted sex in if I tried !!

[mechamoose]

Sorry MM all I say is a I beg to differ on your attitude to your kid's sexual activities at that age !

No worries, hon. US vs UK to some extent, I imagine. Hours & hours of homework a night? Not on this side of the pond!

<3

- MM

[Dianne S]

My school gave me six hours of homework every night, all day Saturday school and divinity homework on Sundays !

Wow. That's abuse, in my opinion.

Back on-topic: I don't expect my kids to have sex at 13, but I certainly expect them to have it sometime between 15-18. Preaching abstinence sure isn't going to work, so it's best to provide facts and education.

As for whether or not kids "need" to know, there's no general answer. In my situation, I felt it would be better for them to know, but everyone's situation is different and I respect the decisions of those who choose not to disclose.

[mechamoose]

A quick note, I didn't think that any of my kids would have that experience at 13 (They didn't), but I didn't want it to be so surprising and out of bounds that they *couldn't*.

I shared my younger drug use experiences with them when they were old enough to get what an adult drinking alcohol was like. The result? None of my kids went that way.

The idea that I was trying to treat them as 'adults with training wheels' was the bigger thing for me. Personally, I think it paid off.

- MM

[Roberta Marie]

I did not come out to my wife until we had been married for over 29 years(about eight years ago), and all of our kids, except one, were out of the house. We decided then that we would not tell the kids. We have five kids, and now, five grandkids. A year or so after coming out to my wife our then 20 year old son came home unexpectedly while I was dressed, fixing lunch for my wife and I. A couple days later he was at a party at his older brother's house, had a bit too much to drink, and told his brother. At that time my wife and I decided that it was best that we tell all of the kids rather than have them find out from each other, which we knew would happen. Four of the five accept my being transgender, of which two are pretty supportive. Our oldest does not accept or support it at all. The comment from our middle son that sticks with me the most was, "Dad, you have to understand, this radically changed our entire image of you. We always saw you as the big, strong fireman who saved lives and can fix anything. Now that image is gone." (Interesting thing is that at least twice since, while dressed, I have rendered aid to people injured in car accidents.)

My oldest daughter does not want me to dress in front of her kids but yet says she does not want me to "lie to them like I lied to her for all of her life." My younger daughter has no problem with me dressing while I'm with her kids, and they give me great hugs and call me "Pappaw" no matter how I'm dressed.


I do wish that I would have been able to be honest with both my wife and my children from the beginning. Then their image of who their father is would not have been so radically changed and a lot of problems that have occurred since coming out to them would have been avoided. However, in the world that we lived in when they were little was much different than the world we live in today. Back then, it was just not practical to come out.

[Rogina B]

I think I could live with that, actually. Also, my kids have been very aware of social niceties even from an early age and probably would have known not to blab it to anyone and everyone. Our words are"What goes on at home,stays at home"...For those of us that have a strong need to be ourselves by being out there,not having family acceptance and inclusion is NOT an option. But getting there comes from design...