Rejecting men

[Michelle789]

Today, I had to go to Hollywood for a blood test - I have been on HRT for 18 days and was tested for my potassium levels. Afterwards, I decided to do some window shopping. I parked in a public parking lot, and the parking attendant starts hitting on me. He asked me my name, and he introduced himself. We were talking for like a minute, and he then asks me for my phone number. I told him, sorry I have a boyfriend. I really meant it too - I have a boyfriend that I've been seeing for almost two months. I was a bit scared too when he asked me for my number, because he meant business. I felt very mixed emotions when being approached by a strange guy for my phone number. He understood and was polite about it and I walked away and went about my own business.

I have mixed feelings like any other woman, especially a transwoman, about male attention. I like that it validates my identity as female, and I am flattered that men find me attractive, but it can also be annoying sometimes too especially when a guy gets too aggressive, like what happened to me last month when a guy followed me around for 10 minutes, and when I told him I had a boyfriend, he asked me if I wanted another one - he was that brazen.

Please keep in mind that for this story, that the aggressive guy incident happened last month. The guy in the parking lot took rejection like a gentleman.

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.

Rejection must be hard on them, especially if it comes from a transwoman lol.

[celeste26]

Try wearing a ring on your finger and just point it out when a guy "asks." No words need even be spoken since for most guys that closes the discussion. The ones who are not stopped by merely pointing to that ring you need to run away from cus they probably wont take a no of any kind.

[Michelle.M]

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.

Yup! Welcome to the sisterhood!

[Jorja]

Sounds like a normal day. Get used to it.

[Badtranny]

If I had a dollar for every time a strange man put the moves on me, ...I'd have just about a dollar.

I think you might be exaggerating a tiny bit. I can't help but notice you don't post many pics.

[Martha G]

I dress as a woman at times for costume parties. And I do make an attractive and passable woman.

But I have never been hit upon.

People do actually think that I am a woman when dressed, but that is about far as it goes.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Michelle, I don't care how you feel about men, it's your own impression of them that counts for you. But how would your boyfriend feel about this? Are you disgusted by these aggressive advances towards you? Or do you really not want male attention?
Men hit on women all the time, how else can we find a mate? Some guys are just more aggressive than others.
As a woman, it is only you that can politely say no thank you, or say yes I'll have that drink.
I think what I'm saying is... Don't plan for a future of rejecting men, a 2 month relationship is great, the first months of a relationship are incredible! But if you condition yourself to deny men and their advances towards you, If this new relationship goes wrong, you may have trouble finding another.
Sure some of the asses need to be rejected, but don't think that way of all men.
I hope your boyfriend truly appreciates you, and rejecting men is more of an, I'm sorry I'm taken, than a get lost Boso!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[Michelle789]

@Krystyn,

I am not disgusted. I accept that being hit on is fact of life for a woman. Since I have a boyfriend, I will reject men that ask me out. If we break up and I'm single again, than it might depend on the guy. Some guys I will reject, some guys I will accept the drink (non alcoholic since I don't drink) or date.

@Melissa

I don't post pictures because there is software that can recognize my image and link it to my male image, outing me to the world. I simply want to avoid any unnecessary means of outing myself. I have joined Safe Haven recently, and I might post some pics on there, since it requires membership to get in.

I think you might be exaggerating a tiny bit too - I don't believe you've been hit on only once in the past two years.

[Aprilrain]

I can't say I've ever had any random strangers hit on me. I see guys checking me out and if I don't see them my girlfriend does but they never approach me. The only times I've been hit on were really early on in my transition. One was at a bar where a lot of trans women hung out and one was at a gay night club. Both times I'm pretty sure that the guys knew I was trans and that is what they were after.

Melissa, you live in a saturated market. I don't remember the exact number but the percentage of women to men in the Bay Area is high. Not to mention the large number of gay men in SF. Have you considered a move to Alaska or North Dakota?

[noeleena]

Hi.

Well i wont say its not happened it has though it was far worse than that, though in the main men would not look at me because im not pretty , feminine or even a good looking female , so my disadvantages facial feature is my advantage, and thats being a female what i find strange is why would 3 men propistion me for friendship . marrage.

For goodness sake are they blind i mean come on the same photo you see here to the left. what do they see in me, Theres many lovely women out there i know and a 4 th one i thought was nice again though again i back away,

Just be carefull and be aware we do have to contend with males .

...noeleena...

[Kimberly Kael]

I don't post pictures because there is software that can recognize my image and link it to my male image, outing me to the world.

It's just as feasible to connect your writing style, and there's plenty of software to do just that. Nobody is under any obligation to share more of themselves than they're comfortable with, but nobody posts in a public forum with accepting at least some risk. Your ISP definitely knows where you've been spending time, should they care to check.

... but back to your original post. Yes, you'll get at least some male attention just by virtue of presenting as female. You'll get more by hanging out in bars, and more still by lingering in dark alleys. Every woman learns how to handle herself and be graceful but clear about rejection out of necessity. Be careful out there.

[mechamoose]

Rejection must be hard on them, especially if it comes from a transwoman

You are missing an option, sweetie. Maybe he was hitting on you BECAUSE you are a transwoman.

Feel free to reject any come-on that you don't like, regardless of gender or presentation. You are either interested or not. Don't be apologetic for that!!

- MM

[MatildaJ.]

The parking attendant starts hitting on me. He asked me my name, and he introduced himself. We were talking for like a minute, and he then asks me for my phone number. I told him, sorry I have a boyfriend...
Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me.

Over time, you'll get more control. You'll realize that extended conversation with a stranger (a minute with the parking attendant?) gives him the impression you're interested (sexually). So does extended eye-contact and repeated smiles. You can be open to their advances, in which case, yes, you'll have to reject many men, or you can act more reserved, and then you won't have to reject anyone. You'll still have to cope with creeps, but that's more a safety issue than a "rejection" issue, since the creep is generally trying to freak you out rather than trying to make a connection with you.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.


What a counterproductive way to look at what being a woman is all about..

[whowhatwhen]

I dunno Kaitlyn, sure, I'd love if guys checked me out but it's not integral to my identity.

[DeeDee1974]

Personally I would take the interest as a compliment if he wasn't being creepy about it. It's been a long time since I've gotten any attention from a man or woman.

The only attention I get these days is from my ex-wife after we've split a bottle of wine or two on a weekend night.

[Barbara Ella]

Why would anyone want to reject a whole class of people? Individuals for certain. Our horizons are never broadened through exclusion.

That said, why is it that it is the women that hit on me? twice now at the club, and one stole a kiss. not complaining.

Barbara

[Kathryn Martin]

Something occurred to me today. I will be rejecting men for the rest of my life. I have been assigned the task of rejecting men for the rest of my life. It is now the new normal for me - to be hit on by, and to reject men.


What a counterproductive way to look at what being a woman is all about..

Indeed.....

[stefan37]

You must be incredibly genetically gifted to live as a male and get hit on as a female.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

My point Corinne is that you can live your life looking for the positive in things or looking at the negative in things..
to each their own...

[Michelle789]

@Kaitlyn, Kathryn, and Barbara

I am not complaining, nor am I trying to reject a whole class of people. I was simply stating a fact. I agree that the creeps, such as the one that chased me for 10 minutes, need to be rejected no matter what because they are just creeps that want power and to freak me out, while guys like the one that hit on me yesterday (the parking attendant) obviously wanted to make a legitimate connection. Whether he read me as a transwoman or not, and he was interested in me, and wanted a legitimate connection. Unfortunately, I was not open to dating him, since I already have a boyfriend at this time - and we closed the relationship a few weeks ago. If we break up, then whether or not I reject or accept a guy asking me for my phone number will depend on each individual situation. I may decide I am interested and want to give him my number and go out on a date with him, and I may decide I am not interested. Also, this is new territory for me, so there is a learning curve for me.

I am very grateful that a guy was interested in me, as yesterday's encounter was a legitimate hookup possibility, not a creep (regardless of whether he read me as trans and is interested in a transwoman, or not).

And I accept, neutrally, that male attention is part of being a woman. I accept that sometimes creeps will follow us around and freak us out, and yeah it sucks but it's part of being a woman too.

@Jess - Thank you. You hit it spot on.

@Mechamoose - it's possible. And there are men who want to date a transwoman, even if it is just for a one night stand.

@Stefan - I'll take that as a compliment!!!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I hear you
that's a very different post than the OP....

and when you state a fact and make it the central premise of your thread, you are making a point about the fact..not just stating the fact... you take a point of view..otherwise what is the point?

seeing your posts you concern yourself with a lot of stuff that trust me is not going to matter in your life

[Badtranny]

I have joined Safe Haven recently, and I might post some pics on there, since it requires membership to get in.

LOL

I don't know what makes it "safe" but it certainly isn't difficult to become a 'member'. I'd like to know how many 'members' have actually transitioned.


Melissa, you live in a saturated market. I don't remember the exact number but the percentage of women to men in the Bay Area is high. Not to mention the large number of gay men in SF. Have you considered a move to Alaska or North Dakota?

You're absolutely right April, but I'd rather be single here than live with Mr Right anywhere else. This is truly God's country here, and that's saying a lot considering I don't believe in a God or Gods. ;-)

I've lived in a few different states, but California and especially the SF Bay is a truly special place.

[Nicole Erin]

The older you get, the less you will be hit on.

The invalidating thing though, it is not about men wanting to date us because we are trans, it is that guys who flirt (with me at least) are yuck-o.

Another fun part is when men do hit on us, it is hard to know if they know the deal. I know a lot of TS like to think they are all passable and stealth'ish and even their own mother doesn't know but for real, we don;t really know what people are thinking. We cannot really say, "hey would you have guessed...?"

If it is some chick hitting on us that is different cause either she is into that sort of thing or at the very least is understanding.

[DeeDee1974]

Also men are just wired differently. I once witnessed a guy go through a group of my friends at a bar and get rejected by each one. Then he turns to me and says how about you? Clearly there was one thing on this guys mind that night and coming in 5th place didn't feel all that good. My friend Diane put it best - he was a predator.

I'm the type who is wired to have one crush on a guy at a time.

[Cheryl123]

I wouldn't reject anyone simply because they are a man or woman, trans or not. Some people are jerks, most are not. Up close, I'm not particularly passable, but in supermarkets and stores I get more smiles and frowns. Actually most people ignore me. In the "being hit upon contest" I'm actually a dollar ahead of Melissa (lol), but in both cases I found it rather amusing. In bars I tend to be a flirt and some men flirt with me -- some women too -- but it's all in fun. Liten up, please. As for the comment about it being hard on a man to be rejected by a transwoman, I find that rather insulting.

[Rhonda Jean]

If I had a dollar for every time a strange man put the moves on me, ...I'd have just about a dollar.

How about dinner and a movie?

A drink after work?

Lots of drinks after work?

[Michelle789]

In the "being hit upon contest", I am currently $7 ahead of Melissa.

Oh, and I don't go to bars or clubs. I also spend a lot of time around my boyfriend, so that probably curbs me getting hit on in public. All the times I have been hit on are when I am not with my boyfriend. I don't mean to brag, nor am I complaining. I simply accept it as fact of life.

The men that have hit on me have ranged from mid 20s to mid 40s.

[LeaP]

LOL

I don't know what makes it "safe" but it certainly isn't difficult to become a 'member'.

Nope. I'd be in favor of vetting membership there. Identity disclosed and transitioned, in transition, on HRT, etc.

THAT might be safe. Not gonna hold my breath, though.


I've lived in a few different states, but California and especially the SF Bay is a truly special place.

Yeah, except for the cost of living, the taxes, the earthquakes, the CA economy, the corrupt politics, and a few other charms. Oh, and I froze my butt off the first time I went there. I lived in the Bay Area for a year in college and spent a lot of time in SF. SF is fun (and beats the living hell out of the East Bay and Hayward in particular), but not Nirvana. Glad you're happy with it, though!

[arbon]

a few weeks of hrt must really be doing wonders for you.

I've been on hrt for 4 yrs and your already $4 or $5 ahead of me. You must look pretty amazing to get hit on so often!

[Frances]

I get hit on often by creepy old men and not often enough by cute guys. I remain polite all the time. Men are only really aggressive with me on line, not so much in person.

This is going to sound bad, but the only trans women I know who get harassed by aggressive men are the ones who look trans. It's almost like men think of them as prostitutes or service providers and don't extend to them the right of choice to deny.

[ArleneRaquel]

I'm seldom hit on, but when I'm out and about I am surprised that men, once in a while, start up a conversion with me. It is usually a very nice experience.

[celeste26]

Depends on how rich those old men are before I would reject them. Certain compromises can be made under the proper circumstances.

[Amanda1128]

I agree with previous post. If your current relationship doesn't work out, you will want to be hit on.

[Brooke Smith]

This is going to sound bad, but the only trans women I know who get harassed by aggressive men are the ones who look trans. It's almost like men think of them as prostitutes or service providers and don't extend to them the right of choice to deny.

That's just terrific! Everyone do your very best to not look trans!

Let's be honest,many if not most,unless we are genetically gifted or started hrt at a young age along with multiple surgeries will never pass that test.

Ps: Sorry to make this post after such a long hiatus but that really hit home.

[Frances]

I knew my post would be misunderstood. I am not saying it's the trans person's fault that they look trans. I am saying that some trans-oriented men act a certain way when they read someone as trans and their private parts tingle.

[Angela Campbell]

sheesh, men are easy, I can get hit on or be left alone simply by using the right "look". A nice friendly smile seems to mean you are hot to trot, but the right glare will run them off really quick.

Don't know if it works the same for the gals since I only smile at them......

[becky77]

If we are talking men that are into trans people, then too many to count and the vast majority are despicable. Seems we have such poor chances that we will take what we can get!

In the real world possibly one but my wife scared him off, so I will never know.

Can't wait to see your pic Michelle, I'm very intrigued now.

[mechamoose]

sheesh, men are easy
Sing it sister! You are being nice, actually.. I'd say most men (note men, not males... in deference to our FtM members) are ****s. 'Easy' is being kind!

GGs and MtFs (In my experience) have more taste and are more selective. "Men" are like dogs, just as happy humping a leg as anything else.

Sure, they can be hot, but they have serious issues with standards. }:>

- MM

[whowhatwhen]

Nope. I'd be in favor of vetting membership there. Identity disclosed and transitioned, in transition, on HRT, etc.

THAT might be safe. Not gonna hold my breath, though.


I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help but otherwise there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

[mechamoose]

I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help

It would start a meme, honey!

Go for it!

- MM

[Michelle.M]

I can put my HRT prescription between my boobs and take a pic if that would help but otherwise there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

We can show pics of our boobs here? I'm in!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you know just because a guy likes his men to look like women doesn't make him despicable... men are genetically programed to pursue mates/lovers...it doesn't make them predators...

lots of guys are creepy, lots are not...in fact i'd say the creepy "admirer" ratio is approximately 1:1 to creepy transsexuals.....

what's so bad about being hit on anyway?

[Kathryn Martin]

you know just because a guy likes his men to look like women doesn't make him despicable... men are genetically programed to pursue mates/lovers...it doesn't make them predators...

lots of guys are creepy, lots are not...in fact i'd say the creepy "admirer" ratio is approximately 1:1 to creepy transsexuals.....

what's so bad about being hit on anyway?

I really agree with what you are saying here. Every person is genetically programmed to pursue potential mates/lovers. And only a few are predatory about it. There is nothing wrong whatsoever to be hit on. In real life those you have zero attraction to, will likely find hard to get you to respond in any way that would encourage them and those that you find attractive, you will encourage to flirt and maybe more.

There is at least a 1:1 ratio. I could spend a whole week talking about creepy trans persons.

I also would like to comment on what Frances said. I think it true - guys attracted to trans women will hit on transwomen that are identifyable so, it's their attraction. It's not creepy it's normal that you would seek out those that you feel attracted to.

[LeaP]

...there is no such thing on the internet as a safe space.
Everything has a risk.

My concern with "safety" is credibility, not exposure or similar. You can get around any identity system, of course, but the number of frauds would dwindle.

[becky77]

you know just because a guy likes his men to look like women doesn't make him despicable...

I agree with that.
What I find despicable though, is finding out you are going to have SRS and totally losing interest, because they have only interest in one thing completely devaluing you as a human being.
Or being married as they thought you would be happy being a dark secret, as you're not going to do much better.
Or being propositioned totally inappropriately because you're just seen as a sex object with either no standards, or no prospects of your own.

Problem is you can't blame them, as there are so many in the trans community acting outrageously and I'm assumed to be the same.

Thing is most of that is online where people can pretend to be someone else, or act out their fantasies in secret.

So when I say the real world, I don't mean that out of disrespect. It just doesn't reflect what goes on in my everyday life.

I believe there is someone for everyone, but that someone should be single and not be ashamed to be seen out with me.

Is this still on topic lol.

[whowhatwhen]

My concern with "safety" is credibility, not exposure or similar. You can get around any identity system, of course, but the number of frauds would dwindle.

The last person to have a fake ID here spent a long, long, long time building it up.
Somehow I don't think circumventing that isn't going to be too hard for someone dedicated enough.

[Frances]

It may have already happened again.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm sure it has...
..just sayin...:battingeyelashes:

[whowhatwhen]

You're all too paranoid lol.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'd prefer to think of it as "experienced"

hehe

[shawnsheila]

I have been hit on by men before
Now, while part of me feels validated that I pass as a woman enough for a dude to hit on me, most of the time I feel creeped out because of how the guys hit on me. Plus, I have no interest in men at all and I am married to a beautiful woman so no man would ever have a chance. It still feels icky with how some of these creepy dudes can be to a woman.

[becky77]

Ooh, what intrigue!

[whowhatwhen]

i'd prefer to think of it as "experienced"

hehe

I can only think of one time, then again I'm relatively new.

[Brooke Smith]

The last person to have a fake ID here spent a long, long, long time building it up.
Somehow I don't think circumventing that isn't going to be too hard for someone dedicated enough.

In defense of safe haven...

I have no idea who you are referring to,but after being a long time member of SH I was removed,after declaring,"I was not a woman." I guess that must be the final test.Whatever,I am what I am.

The point is,SH gives a questioning person a place to ask personal questions that they my not feel comfortable asking in front of the entire www. Anyone who stumbles in here for whatever purpose can read this forum. I find that kind of creepy.

What is the worst that can happen if someone doesn't quite pass the test? I hope no one suffered from my time spent there,I certainly enjoyed the company.

[DebbieL]

One of the things EVERY woman confronts at some point in her life is the reality that she will receive unwanted attention from some men.

If you could create "The Magic Dress" that made a woman invisible to all of the jerks and irresistable to the men she wanted to attract - you would be a billionaire in about a week.

Since there is no "Magic Dress" we have to rely on other tactics like learning to blend (women have to do it too). We have to look, dress, and act, age appropriate, weight appropriate, and situation appropriate. If we are so much more attractive than all of the other women in the mall, restaurant, or social gathering, then we will get a lot of attention we probably don't want. Too much attention increases the chances of getting read, and worse.

I dress appropriate to work, and I still find it very interesting that men behave radically different with me now that I occurr as a woman to them. They hold the door, help me with my cases at the airport, hold the elevator, and dozens of other polite acts, and in exchange they want to be acknowledged with a bit of innocent flirtation. I am married and have replaced my larger wedding ring with a band and Engagement Ring. i got my first ones at Claires for under $15 and was amazed at how many compliments I got on my "Diamonds". A good Jeweler can set you up with a nice gold band and solitaire with CZ for far less than you might think. Lee told me that if I got a real diamond bigger than her's, she'd break my fingers to take it off and keep it for herself. Even a smaller diamond would be upsetting.

The rings don't completely deterr the men, but it does help keep things polite. Also, my wife has a name that is often associated with men (Lee) so when I start talking about Lee and "my other half" they can get the message that I'm taken. Sometimes I slip and use a feminine pronoun and that can sometimes pique interest I don't really want.

After a decade of having boys being a form of terror, fear, and hardship, and then dealing with them as competitors and rivals at work, in romance, and in social environments, it was almost upsetting to see them suddenly become so helpful, kind, gentle, and patient. It took some getting used to. I also had concerns that maybe they were hoping to get lucky as well. It took almost a year to learn how to smile and giggle and acknowledge them as men without making it look like I was interested.

The one that's even stranger is when someone finds out that I'm transsexual and then wants to know if I've had the "bottom work" done. My usual comeback is "why, were you hoping to have sex with me?". On a very few rare occaisions, the answer was "yes, I think you're quite beautiful and I'd love to take you out". That's when I really do have to let them know I don't have what they are hoping for. If they were hoping for a girl they could penetrate - not able to do that. At the same time, I don't have anything capable of penetrating them either. I was never endowed, tiny in fact, and the HRT has made things down there even smaller.

In early transition, even I went too far to the "Sexy and Beautiful" side. The skirts were too short and too tight, the blouses too low cut, and the wigs too full and curly. I had guys coming on to me at really awkward times. One guy followed me all the way around Walgreens for almost an hour and started stroking my thighs and but. He had a gentle touch, but he was also overweight and a bit ugly, and I was still getting used to men being nice at all. I was frequently approached as if I was a hooker, and one guy even offered me $700 for a night (turned him down).

There are some men who see us and realize what we are, and they actually find it exciting and attractive. However, they often get us confused with drag queens, or she-male hookers who are in in for the cash.

Learning to blend, often with me pouting at Lee and even calling her "Mom" - acting a bit like a teen aged daughter because she insisted that I dress appropriately. However, once I finally took her coaching, and started dressing more like a "slightly above average woman", I found that I rarely got read, rarely even got noticed, by men or women, and even when men did show me simple courtesies, there was little or no expectation other than that I give them a smile and maybe a nice perky hello.

I hope that you reach the point where you are able to enjoy the attention of men without feeling that you must "reject" them. You don't have to go to bed with them just because you smile and say a sweet hello.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Brooke -- its not about passing a test...there is nothing to be defensive about.
We are talking about a person that purposefully lied about everything for many years and did it in all sections of the forum...including highly personal discussions that mattered a lot to people...!!!
It seems to me that you went there on a search and found what you were looking for (or what you are not looking for!!)..how could anyone have a problem with that?

[PretzelGirl]

I have only been hit on by Louie. That boxer sure had a good grip on my thigh, so rejection was tough.

I think we have a regular flow of "made up" members. Some aren't so obvious. The one that appears to be referenced used time to build a lie that absolutely would be seen as too good to be true in a shorter time frame. I believe the mods dump a lot of them behind the scenes, so we may not see them for long. It all comes down to the fact that we can only have faith that everyone here is real. Seeing them have interactions with others outside of the forum helps a lot to reach credibility.

[Badtranny]

wow

just wow. The TS forum is beginning to look pretty freaky these days. Pro tip kids: A solid 80% of what you read here is pure BS most likely made up on the spot. The rest of it is mostly BS that is a little better thought out. In the former category, I'm staying the hell out of Walgreens for sure.

Dudes who are into trannies are just like dudes who are into women. A good 3rd of them are creepy as ****. The rest of them are just dudes with a preference. Who cares if they like a pickle on the side? God bless 'em.

In regard to fakes and phonies and whatnot, I believe this whole forum is swarming with them. I mean seriously, the names are fake, and most of the pictures are fake, so how hard is it to believe that the stories are fake? but who cares right? This is all just a goof. dudes like to wear panties and make up some bullshit for the forum before they stroke the poke to some internet porn. What's the big deal? I certainly don't give a damn. any more.

In regard to Safe Haven (LOL) It is SUPPOSED to be a 'safe' place for transitioners to discuss some of the more serious transition issues privately without the creepy fakers interjecting ridiculous stories about their pretend transitions. I would personally never join something like that unless there was an actual identity check and since that is unlikely for a host of good reasons, (Tam doesn't need the grief for one) that "safe haven" will remain what it is; Exactly like the TS forum but with a LOT less people.

[whowhatwhen]

Okay then, what identity checks do you want anyway?
I doubt you can fake pictures as easily as you suggest though, all it takes is a reverse image search to tell if it's been somewhere else.

What do you count as real?
Completed transitions?
Do in progress ones count?

I'm curious :P

[Frances]

The fake photos thing has been done. There used to a forumite who posted photos of his "wife." I found tons more photos of his "wife" from a stock photo service on line. They came with a watermark, that was removed when you bought them. He showed one photo "he" took (and bought) on this forum. I saw the whole album elsewhere (with watermarks).

I see more misinterpretation of what I said earlier.

There is nothing wrong with men liking trans women. Men who like trans women hit on women they perceive as trans (that's their orientation). Therefore women who are trans-identifiable will get hit on by such men. These women can visibly trans or they can also be 100% passable, but announce themselves as trans.

Now here's the thing:

A lot of men who are trans-oriented treat trans women like prostitute who cannot deny them service.

Before SRS, I used to advertise myself on dating sites as trans. 9 out of 10 messages were not creepy, they were business-like. As in, "can you be here in 15 minutes?" or "Your fingernails and toenails have to be in perfect condition it's super important to me!"

[LeaP]

I'm sorry I raised the identity thing. While it's possible to implement a reasonable identity check, people would rather focus on why it won't work. It's irrelevant anyway. I have my own criteria for credibility, and it starts with only extending fully to those whose lives I can validate in the real world, either directly, or via people I know. Period. There are approximately a dozen active members here that fall in that category.

[Michelle.M]

Aside from actually meeting people (or doing an online video chat) there really isn’t much that can be done to verify anyone. According to the site stats there are 5,183 active members. I have personally met Misty and one other *, and a couple of other members have been verified by people I trust. Total of 5 verified members, including me.

No, the identity thing is important, but what’s more relevant is how you see this site rather than how you see the people who use it. To me, this is just words on a screen and not much more, and I treat my posts as I would if I were writing an article or an email that might be distributed in ways that I can’t control. As for divulging personal info, I do that face to face.

* Plus about 8 or so of the members who identify as crossdressers,

[Badtranny]

Before SRS, I used to advertise myself on dating sites as trans. 9 out of 10 messages were not creepy, they were business-like. As in, "can you be here in 15 minutes?" or "Your fingernails and toenails have to be in perfect condition it's super important to me!"

I used to have an ad on Match.com that explicitly stated I was a transsexual woman, right across the top because I didn't want to have that 'conversation' later. This was right about the time that I was beginning to take very natural looking pictures so I had quite a few in my profile. So I start chatting with this guy and he seemed really great. The next day I gave him my number and he called me. We were having a great conversation until he asked me what I like to do on the weekends. Well, it was about a year ago so my lifestyle was kind of in flux so I said, "well since the transition a lot of things have changed so..." he replied "what transition?" I said, "what? didn't you read my profile?" him "um a little bit, I mostly just looked at the pictures I guess", me "well I am a transgender woman and I say so right on the profile ", him "what do you mean?" "I mean I was born a dude, and I've transitioned and now I'm legally a woman", "holy shit I had no idea, have you had the surgery?" "now is that an appropriate question for somebody you just met (laugh)", "yeah I think so, send me a naked picture". "what? why would you ask that" "come on baby, I want to see your body, maybe we could still go out". "you can see my body in the profile pics and I'm not interested anymore anyway" "no I mean some naked pics, c'mon" "no thanks, please don't call me again"

Basically, this guy was super sweet and charming until he found out I was trans and then the gloves came off. (or should I say the pants)

Moral of the story? Guys don't read the profiles and they think that we're ****s. I might in fact be a **** under certain circumstances but at least I have self respect. ;-)

[Michelle.M]

Moral of the story? Guys don't read the profiles and they think that we're ****s.

Oh, same thing happened to me (minus the phone call). I've had more than a few email exchanges where guys approached me without reading a single word I had written, and the dialog went exactly like yours did.

It is true, men tend to think with their little heads instead of their big ones.

[Angela Campbell]

Yeah but it is easy to use the little head to completely confuse the big one.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's interesting Frances... and I can confirm it...

I have always said here that one real bummer about being transsexual is how "society" marginalizes/sexualizes/dehumanizes us... its a complicated thing because these things happen across many groups...races dehumanize races..religions do it to religions....men often do these things to genetic women as well but we are very low on the pecking order...pretty much everybody does it to us...its "common knowledge" to people that don't know a transsexual that we are all deluded she male hookers (exaggerate to make the point)...

When I dated men as a self identified CD..i did it for a very short time as I experimented with my sexuality... and I had the same treatment...Can you come over right now??? was the main question...one time when I said no (I always said no to this) the guy said "you are turning me down?? wtf?!!"and slammed down the phone. that really stuck with me..

that all being said, most of my current friends are cd's... I made a lot of great friends prior to transition and they are mostly still friends... i'm thinking of 5 i'm really close to and THREE of them act like *****s with multiple boyfriends that come by...
these are men...and part of their sexuality is to dress and be treated as woman...I have not problem with it...but it fits into this meme and although it actually has nothing to do with me..(I am not a man) its very difficult to explain that to a cisgender person..
they may hear me, but its not something where the easily "get it"

also I've counseled a 6 ts people that have not transitioned from a therapy group I used to attend.....FOUR of them asked me about working for sex.... its like a plague on us...

you can take the position "F the world, I know what I am" but you can't ignore this...your loved ones, your friends , your work colleagues are all subject to this thinking and media does everything it can to perpetuate the idea i'm talking about..

Even here we talk about life and death situations, families breaking up, and jobs being lost with folks that post pictures of their painted toenails, panty hosed legs and profile shots of gigantic boobs..

pls don't get me wrong... to each their own, and I am all for sexual freedom and we should all pursue our sexuality in a positive way ..and that includes fetishes of any safe variety... but it does impact the transsexual people who suffer from a condition that is totally different than all this stuff and we sometimes have rough discussions here but you can't deny its helpful to be crystal clear that lots of folks that post here are not here because they are transsexual or even support transsexuals..

I think the best defense against all this is to transition well and thrive..the people around will see it and it will inoculate them against this "common wisdom"...and it can create allies for us in the inevitable prurient conversations that go on behind our backs all the time...i'm not the preachy type but this stuff is just prevalent and ignoring it ignores reality..

[becky77]

I have my own criteria for credibility, and it starts with only extending fully to those whose lives I can validate in the real world, either directly, or via people I know. Period. There are approximately a dozen active members here that fall in that category.

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

[whowhatwhen]

There's a difference between being weary of people online and assuming 90% of people here just faking everything, the latter seems pointless.
If you've got proof, use it. Otherwise it's just white noise.

[Kimberly Kael]

There's a difference between being weary of people online and assuming 90% of people here just faking everything, the latter seems pointless.

There's a lot of grey area between the extremes you're listed. Some healthy skepiticsm is generally warranted when dealing with people when you don't have personal history. I distrust most advertisers for the same reason I remain skeptical of people here describing their too-good-to-be-true experiences (others seeing signs of breast growth through clothing days after starting HRT? Please.)


If you've got proof, use it. Otherwise it's just white noise.

It's nobody's job to convince you one way or another. That doesn't stop anyone here from being reasonably wary of claims made. I'm sure I trigger a few alarms for people, myself, which is part of why I've gone out of my way to meet a few people from the forum who can vouch for me.

[Kathryn Martin]

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

No there are a lot of things that speak to the authenticity of a person.

I have skyped with people, I have met some of the people here, I have linked with some on Linked In, I have given some my email address, some have my facebook id and thus have had a chance to check out my professional website etc.

And last but not least, there are things that can be read between the lines of peoples comments that support their authenticity.

[Marleena]

Not spot the fake again!:) I've only met one other TS member from here (we go to the same endo) in her city.

I decided not to join Safe Haven even though I think I belong there. I didn't want to scare others off.:D I get bad vibes from a few of the TS members ( maybe it's just me) but there also some that I would love to meet in person.

As far as getting hit on by men, I imagine it goes with the territory and consider yourself lucky. :)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i can actually understand some people fearing to let themselves be less anonymous..at least as they work things out...and kathryn we both agree a huge part of a good transition is control of information...it can make a person seem shady when all they are is nervous

i think your last sentence says it all
i can tell almost every time..i bet you can too....i don't need proof...you just need time to let things sink in...after a bit you can just tell because there are lots "tells" that people say...and it makes sense to challenge a person and see what they say...how else can you learn to communicate with somebody you just met?

... i will go out on a limb and say everybody on this particular thread is relatively(heh) genuine.....maybe somebody thinks i'm not genuine, oh well!!!...

also i meet people in person too and sometimes they were total fakers...we all make mistakes and bad judgements about people..its not just an internet forum thing...however it is like online poker...who the hell knows whats going at that other computer and what color panties they are wearing ..

so all you can do is make your best judgement and decide who you believe and who you don't... and act accordingly..

[LeaP]

So unless I fly to America and personally meet you, I have no credibility. Charming!

Well ... Ummm ... Hmmm ... Maybe?

LOL! I like Kathryn's answer.



I decided not to join Safe Haven even though I think I belong there. ... I get bad vibes from a few of the TS members ...)

I'm frightening - it's true. And I have the performance reviews to prove it. Be very afraid!

[Marleena]

Lol.. no you're fine Lea, you still put up with me.:heehee:

[LeaP]

That's easy, my dear Marleena. You see, you are not full of ... things you don't want to be full of.

[whowhatwhen]

Maybe the world hasn't corrupted me yet but I believe most here are here for good reasons with the best of intentions.

[Michelle789]

@Melissa

The reality is there are fakes all over the internet. Fakes can be found on match.com and other dating sites, craigslist, other forums, and yes, even job boards such as dice.com or monster.com can have fake employers and fake job seekers. Fakes and phonies on the internet is just fact of life.

With that said, not everyone is a fake. I would probably say fakes are still the minority, and fakes that pose a real danger, such as meeting someone in person and committing a violent crime against you, are even fewer. But if meeting someone you met on the internet in person, it's always best to meet them in a public place and get to know them in person first.

I have never met anyone on this forum in person, although that may change since there are plenty of L.A. area people on this forum, mostly CDers, and all it takes is for one to show up at my TG support group, or to agree to meet me for coffee at a local Starbucks. Well, actually I knew a former member (tina99) of this forum who goes to my TG support group and church, but she decided to quit the forum.

I have spoken to a couple of people on this forum on the phone or over Skype. I participated in a Skype AA meeting for TG people last Saturday, which was recommended by someone on this forum.

@whowhatwhen - whoever that fake TS person was that spent years lying on the forum and fabricating a TS story must have had WAY too much free time on their hands. Probably a teenager, or a trust fund baby, or someone who won the lottery. Or maybe someone on crystal meth who spent hours up all night typing his fabrication. But the amount of time that would be required to fabricate such a story would be a tremendous amount of time - something that most people simply do not have time for.

@whowhatwhen - I agree that most people here have the best of intentions and want to figure themselves out, and get advice about transition, and post about trials and triumphs in transition.

It is also amazing how this thread got so off-topic. We were talking about getting hit on by men and now it's turned into a thread about fakes on the internet.

@Everyone

Also, what constitutes getting hit on is another question. I actually spoke with my therapist about this the other day. She agrees that getting hit on means any male attention where they attempt to interact with you. So getting stared at is just a stare. But if a guy says hello to you in a public place, but you just walk on and no conversation happens, than 80-90% of the time the guy was trying to hit on you. My $8 (Melissa's $1 plus $7) included $6 that were just like that - the guy said hello to me and I just walked on - and since 85% of those are him actually hitting on me then I would have $7 not $8 ($6 ahead of Melissa). If your definition of getting hit on means a guy making a conversation with you, or a guy aggressively chasing you, then I had one of each and would have $2.

[emma5410]

The only person on here that I am certain is genuine is me because I have never met anyone else. It really does not make any difference to me if people think I am genuine or not. I am 19 months into my RLE and planning to have SRS in the next year. I have got more important things to think about.
There are people on this forum who I have a lot of respect for even if I do not always agree with them. People like Kathryn, Kaitlyn, Melissa, Jorja, Arbon and others. Are they genuine. I am certain that they are but even if they are not it makes little difference. I have not and would not make any major decisions based on their opinions.

[becky77]

No there are a lot of things that speak to the authenticity of a person.

I have skyped with people, I have met some of the people here, I have linked with some on Linked In, I have given some my email address, some have my facebook id and thus have had a chance to check out my professional website etc.

And last but not least, there are things that can be read between the lines of peoples comments that support their authenticity.
I guess Skype at least proves your picture is real, but that's about it.

Can I ask one question, this person everyone keeps talking about. Did you ever find out why they did it?
I just don't get the point of faking this stuff, its hardly the most riveting place to be if you have no direct involvement in the subject, they must have had some gender issues? It's kinda sad to see the paranoia it has left behind.

Anyway, I'm at a wedding in September so will post a group shot and if someone needs to Skype me to prove its actually me so be it, I really detest being considered a liar as I hate liars.

Other than that I have nothing to prove to anyone, if you think I'm fake then I pitty your inability to trust. As Emma said no one should let someone unknown on the internet influence their life in any major way.
That said I don't know just how devious that person was.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

They are so devious(and pathetic) that they are still here.

Melissa started this whole last burst by the 90% are fake thing... that's hyperbole .. lots of people are fakes because they talk a big game and play ts in a relatively anonymous forum and may even believe the baloney they say
..its not like they are plotting anything..

I think you are taking this personally with no need.....its just about being wary of what people say and evaluating the words on the page as just words until you build up some trust ...

like I said before this happens in real life too... people make up stuff...here its just more prevalent because its easy

[Rogina B]

Also, what constitutes getting hit on is another question. I actually spoke with my therapist about this the other day. She agrees that getting hit on means any male attention where they attempt to interact with you. So getting stared at is just a stare. But if a guy says hello to you in a public place, but you just walk on and no conversation happens, than 80-90% of the time the guy was trying to hit on you. My $8 (Melissa's $1 plus $7) included $6 that were just like that - the guy said hello to me and I just walked on - and since 85% of those are him actually hitting on me then I would have $7 not $8 ($6 ahead of Melissa). If your definition of getting hit on means a guy making a conversation with you, or a guy aggressively chasing you, then I had one of each
I think that some people here skipped "charm school"..A guy"making conversation with you" is just a "normal" thing! lol Aggressively seeking your attention,is what I consider being"hit on". Charm school graduates know how to handle those situations. Michelle789,if you want acceptance and inclusion as a woman in our world,then accept male attention..graciously. Feel lucky to get some of it!

[LeaP]

Sorry if I added to that with my less-than-serious comment, Becky.

I'm not so sure it is hyperbole, Kaitlyn, at least from a few standpoints and as it applies to TSs. One is the people playing TS, as you often point out, mostly innocently enough from their POV, I suppose. Another is that there are so few transitioners. Yet another is the presence of the fetish types. The occasional anti-trans agitator. The GGs. The ignorant and, even worse, the perpetually ignorant. The TG. (Please don't draw any inferences about this wildly diverse list.) All present different issues and different credibility limitations. Most of them share one trait, though, and that is they don't understand the TS condition and experience.

So, how many actual TS here? Of sufficient intensity to transition? Got me - but it's a minority, that's for sure. As time goes by, I see more and more how irrelevant much of the participation is. I think my OWN credibility only goes so far, certainly as it applies to the value of any insight and advice I might offer.

The credibility issue is wider and deeper than credited and well beyond the outright fakes.

[Kathryn Martin]

I think this thread has gone off in a direction that has almost nothing to do with the original post of rejecting men, except for one niggling little side issue that is directly related to men, having them be attracted to you and rejecting them. And that would be........

[Frances]

For one, it can be a sexual fetish.

[Sallee]

I have been hit buy guys, I found it flattering I turned them down. It was in a straight bar and I am sure the guy had no idea He was very polite and went off to some one with better odds than me. I am strickly a CD with no desire to transition. If I were you I would take it as a complement and like others have said you are part of the sister hood. Get use to it girl.

[arbon]

She agrees that getting hit on means any male attention where they attempt to interact with you.

Usually when men are being outgoing and polite to me its just my wishful thinking that they are actually interested in me.

[Badtranny]

Exactly Arbon, it would be nice to meet a guy and just sort of be attracted to each other and have him ask me out etc etc.

The bad news is almost every girl friend I have wishes the same thing. What a great club huh? lol

[stefan37]

Usually when guys day hello to me they are being friendly and not necessarily hitting on me. Let's see in the year and a half, one year since name change I have been hit on zero times to date. Yet I have had many men say hello.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

When I was in college and I didn't have a wig I used to go out at 2am in a dress and heels I stole from some poor girls suitcase in the attic of our dorm..ugh
...I would wait until my roommate fell asleep, reach under my bed for the dress and shoes.....go outside (yes outside) and change..
and walk around, hairy legs and all.....sad and so creepy...that was me at 20...

Dude in a dress?? been there , done that... for some strange reason I was never hit on tho...

[Sandra]

Anyone wants to stir up trouble in this thread can expect a holiday....not having inflammatory comments by anyone to any group of people.

[Rachel Mari]

I don't think that I've ever been hit on by a guy, that I know of.

I work for the phone company doing residential/business repair and installation of phone and/or DSL (physical internet connections). I can interact with as many as 8 different customers in a single day, 5 to 6 days a week, either by phone, in their house or business.
I have noticed that now that I'm being myself at work (came out to everyone on the crew and my boss less than a year ago), there have been more customers (men & women) who seem to smile a lot towards me and want to talk. Occasionally after the work I was doing is done, I stop and visit with them before I leave and I have some pretty fun and interesting conversations. I've only told one customer I'm TS and that was because some of things she was talking about were so similar to what I've experienced after starting therapy. She was two years sober at the time and she was explaining how she came to the realization that she was an alcoholic.

Are the guys hitting on me or are they just nice guys who are nice to most people. I don't know and I won't know until one of them asks me out to dinner or a drink. That'll be interesting.

As to whether or not someone is fake?

There are some here that I believe from their writing that they've experienced what they're talking about. Whether it's true or not, I don't know that either but everything I read is about someone else and that's how it went for them. I only know myself and what I feel. Take it or leave it, it doesn't matter, I just know what I'm going through and there's a lot said here that makes sense (well as much sense as you can make out of it).
It would be nice to meet someone from here some time. I thought I was going to the central coast of California to work for 6 weeks at the end of September and I was going to take the opportunity to try to meet someone (seems like there are a number of forum members in the SF area), but the job didn't work out. Maybe the Fall of 2015 I'll make it down there.