A question I cannot answer

[Donnagirl]

This has been a busy few months for me, coming out to friends and work colleagues, 'the Ball', talking to complete strangers while fully dressed... There is one question all have asked and one I'm finding so difficult to answer, "why do you do it?"

Now talking within this forum, an answer is easy. You all know, all feel mostly the same and as a recent thread attests, can answer a question like this with a single word. But what do I say to someone who has no concept of what I feel.

I cannot answer simplistically, "I makes me feel good." That sounds just so weak and insincere.

I cannot answer by explaining what not dressing does, the urge, the moodiness should that urge be resisted. That sounds too much like I'm blaming something, finding an excuse.

I cannot answer, "because I want to." Although that is closest to the truth it again sounds like I'm skirting the real answer.

I do not know how to answer this question. (and that as an answer is also un-enlightening to the questioner.) So I ask those who often venture out into that world, how do you answer such an enquiry?? What trusty humorous answer can I steal, what disarming repartee do you use? What answer can I use that will not make me look dismissive or a jerk, look truthful and sincere?

Thanks in eager anticipation.

Donna

[Kris Avery]

While I don't go out...

I'd tell them it makes you feel true to your inner self.
Do they want to see you, or someone else?

We as a society accept all types in 2014 or we are labeled a hater....yet there is not the same PC pressure to accept CD/TG.

BTW, how daring that you are able to show the world how you feel.
That's strength I don't possess.

Ask them if they would rather see an incomplete person.

[Kate Simmons]

Some questions don't require an answer my friend. I think the fact that it's part and parcel of who we are kind of speaks for itself. :)

[Tracii G]

Try "just being myself".

[hope springs]

Try the gender spectrum. Those on the far right need to transition. CDers fall somewhere between the middle and this far right. So we have a feminine side that we desire to express, but not so strong we need to fully transition.

[Roberta Young]

Donna,maybe say "I have to" Hugs Roberta

[Annaliese]

My answer is this is the real me,

[Michellegryl]

I too have been asked this question, I answer with the only answer I know, "This is who I am", it is what makes me feel complete and in sync with who I am on the inside. Most times the answer I get back is Ok cool, or something like that. It will usually open things up for more questions but they are much more relaxed and easier to answer once the ice is broken and they know Who you are.

Michelle

[Bria]

Donna, I'm somewhat with Kate on this one. How about just saying "I really don't quite have a good concise answer to that".

I'm glad you can go out and engage strangers in that manner. You go girl!!

Hugs, Bria

[MsVal]

I express it as an uncomfortable cognitive dissonance between how I feel inside and how I am expected to present to the world. This causes considerable anxiety which is relieved by wearing clothing and adopting mannerisms that are traditionally feminine. Some may call it "Being true to one's self." I call it "The real ME."

It is similar to the feeling one gets when it is necessary to present all day, every day as a professional in a suit and tie, speaking in professional terms when he would rather deal with circumstances in a less formal way. No one thinks less of those people for shedding the professional trappings and demeanor and becoming comfortable in their preferred clothing and their preferred mannerisms when their work day is done. Unless, that is, their preference is for feminine things.

Best wishes
MsVal

[Anna H]

I don't go out and have only been asked that on a few chat forums.

But I like the questions when I get someone who's really interested.
I like to talk about it, so I'd say it's something I just have to do.
That would usually lead to more questions ...such as "how long
have you been doing it?"

I didn't stay on the chat sites for long. It's mostly fantasy-cybersexy
stuff I have no interest in...and I'm certainly not interested in any
guys. But I'd have questions from the (very rare) guy who was polite
and genuinely (best i could tell...lol) curious. And they were mostly
asking because they were curious about themselves...either being
attracted to, or potentially CD's themselves.

I've never answered the question in real life, but I'd hope to turn
it into a conversation in the same way. I love it when someone
is polite and truly interested.

:)

[JocelynRenee]

I cannot answer, "because I want to." Although that is closest to the truth it again sounds like I'm skirting the real answer.

Why can't the answer be, "Because I want to."? That is the truthful answer. And, "I don't know" works for the "Why do you want to?" follow-up question.

I sympathize with the desire to have a better answer, but after 40 years of pondering I still haven't figured it out. The truth is, I gave up trying to figure it all out long ago. One day my wife asked me if knowing why would compel me to stop. When I replied that it would not she said, "Why worry about it then?" Why indeed.

[Stephanie47]

I'm an in-home dresser. I've only had that question arise in discussions years ago with my wife. My answer to her was a clear "I don't know." I can express the feelings I have when I am en femme. I can express what compels me to be en femme. But, I truly cannot say "Why!"

I happy that you and others feel free enough to express yourselves in a public setting.

[Ressie]

Since you're coming out to everyone, the answer might as well be the truth without a lot of explanation. Work on your elevator speech? "I find I feel more comfortable dressed this way, now tell me why you feel you have to wear what you're wearing?"

[Wildaboutheels]

How about the truth? Just tell them in one simple word.

Just say "Pavlov" with your best smile if they should ask. And IF they should give you a blank stare after you utter that word, tell them to look it up.

It IS how you started, isn't it? It IS addictive. That IS how our male Brains work and there is nothing we can do about it.

You also might want to edit your profile a bit.

[JillyJones]

'Why do you do it?' is a great question fo someone to ask. It shows that they simply don't understand your situation, and that's because they have either never asked anyone in your position or have never thought about about why they do certain things themselves. It's a question that deserves a reasoned answer too so why not give them one.

I was at a slightly naughty :) themed party a few years ago (dressed) and a couple (the woman actually) asked me the same question, the man was unusually quiet. I explained that I dressed like that because I liked it and that the party was a perfect opportunity to do it without being 'ribbed' about it. It turned out that the husband had a penchant for ladies clothing too but couldn't pluck up the courage to dress up :) The woman 'outed' him in front of me and he quickly felt at ease with the situation.

Another time I was out-of-town and dressed up, I was asked why I was dressed like I was, so I explained that I quite like doing it, I was comfortable with it and it's no longer against the law in this country so why not just be myself.

I'm one of those people who has an answer lined up for each occasion.

[ReneeTX]

I told my wife, "It gives me balance."

[Tiffany Jane]

My wife has always known me to be romantic and emotional...it did surprise her when the closet door opened little by little. My answer started as a teen, parents divorced and my dad remarried into a family with three girls. To feel like I would get acceptance from my dad, I would dress as a girl in my step-sisters clothes, when I was home by myself. Now when things are rough, work, family, stress, I find comfort in putting on a skirt, heels, and just being around the house. I don't venture out, just want to feel comfortable in my home. So, I told my wife it gives me comfort, and allows me to be balanced. We also shop for her clothes when she needs to and it allows me to help her while allowing me to look at things while not being judged. She always has someone tell her she is so lucky to have a husband who is willing to do so.

[Shelly Preston]

Well if you want to make it really simple.

Tell them how not that long ago, people who were left handed were forced to write with their right hand. ( this is true )

It similar to how those people must have felt when they could be themselves :)

[Millie.Graham]

When someone asks me why I do it, I usually ask them what their favorite food is. Then I ask them why that is their favorite food. And they usually respond with a shrugged, "I don't know I just do". I then follow up with the same answer. "I don't know, it is just part of who I am." I find that, that line of questions seems to help people grasp the idea a little better.

[AllieSF]

I do go out a lot and when asked "Why do you dress as a woman?" I generally reply that I really do not know, but I have a lot of fun doing it. Then sometimes comes the rest of the standard questions about transitioning, sexual orientation and so on. Always a great way to get into intimate conversations with complete strangers. When they ask, I automatically get the same right to ask personal questions back, and the vast majority of people like being asked those question, because they can finally share their answers to them. It always surprises me how many people really do want to talk a little about themselves with others, and the best people to share with are strangers. I give them that opportunity to share.

[Amanda L.]

Hi Donna
The crux of the answer might depend on the motivation behind the question. Whilst a simple question it is probing in the sense that it may cause us to confront the true motivation behind our CD nature. The truth is often we don't know. How deep an answer are they looking for? If the question is asked off the cuff then I don't think you need to provide a deep analytical self appraisal,of your inner psyche but if the question is asked as a genuine enquiry then you can expand into deeper explaination. I don't think we have a stock answer to this question. It's deeply personal and whilst I think you are looking for a,strong response the simple fact is we often just do not know the deep seated reason.
But the more we are asked the more we self analyse and the less we come close to pinpointing the cause.
Hope this helps Hun
Luv
Amanda

[Elle1946]

Because it makes me feel complete.

[Jennifer_Ph]

I usually say something like, "Well one day I was shopping for jeans.. yeah jeans... So then I looked for something fun instead, and I found khaki's... yeah like the one's you're wearing. Then I looked across the aisle and here I am!"

[Claire Cook]

I'm trying to think if I was ever actually asked that question. Without being asked I have told people something like "Because it's me, and I enjoy being myself." I really like Allie's answer --it opens the door to a two-way conversation.

[Confucius]

Your answer is correct, "It makes me feel good".

Understandable, the answer isn't enough. Plenty of men have worn some women's clothing and doing so certainly did NOT make them feel good. In fact the vast majority of men can cross-dress without any good feelings. So why does cross-dressing make us feel good.

The answer is our brains are hard-wired to interpret cross-dressing as actual contact with a female, the brain then goes into action like contact would do for any heterosexual, and releases a host of neurotransmitters. The neurotransmitters (dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and others) are responsible for the sensations of well-being, comfort, pleasure, sexual gratification and bonding - basically it makes us feel good. All this affects the reward centers of our brain.

Most likely this hard-wiring occurs either very early in childhood, or even in the womb. When we reach puberty and the testosterone gets flowing then cross-dressing takes on sexual overtones. As we age the cross-dressing is more about comfort and less about sex.

[CynthiaD]

Some things can't be explained in words. Why does one song sound beautiful and another sound terrible? Some things operate at a level that can't be touched by words.

It's easy to say "I don't know," to avoid trying to explain, but that isn't the truth either. When I get dressed up and look in the mirror, I know why I'm doing it. Can I put it into words so someone else can understand? No, I cannot.

Believe me, I understand what you mean when you say "Because it's me," or something like that. But that's not really an explanation. It's important to do this. It's necessary to do this. But the true reasons are beyond words.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Donna, The answer is simple, (( It's just who I am & It's just what I do )).

[Megan b]

Hi Donna, why do I do this? I don't know, it's just part of me. I can't explain to someone else what I don't even understand, it's just part of me and I've come to accept that. But I do enjoy those conversations, because it allows me to engage in conversation with people that have usually never meet a cder.

[Melissa18]

Hi Donna,
Ive asked my myself that question my whole life and I can't give myself the answer, so I don't know how I'd go if someone else asked me.
But I do know ,I love this part of me!
So I suppose the answer is because I enjoy dressing!
Hugs adelaide

[Princess Chantal]

I haven't been asked that question for years. I believe the last time that question was aimed at me was during the interview I had for a documentary atleast 5 years ago and perhaps a year or 2 prior to that for the question to be asked out of the blue. During the early years of my crossdressing, I had that question launched at me very frequently and I went through the same old brain storming you are going through.
Hmmm perhaps the questioning diminished when I stopped walking on the tight rope of "appropriate" crossdressing practices preached by tg associates and started living my crossdressing to my way.... to have the out most fun. obviously when you are enjoying what you are doing, the smile is visibly presented in a cemented form ala baseball great Tony Gwynn!

[Brittany CD]

The way I see it is we all have our own hobbies. Some like playing sports, some like drawing, others like wearing dresses.

[Marcelle]

Hi Donna,

I hear you as I get asked this questions a lot by friends and work colleagues. It is not them being facetious it is just pure inquisitiveness. I have tried "It is who I am" "It completes me" and a whole litany of response of similar ilk. However I think the problem is that they cannot fathom what it means and how it makes us feel because there is not true frame of reference. I had a conversation with some younger women about this at a Starbucks and I posted a thread about how I used a Dracula analogy which resonated with them (the series that is not the character) http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?214657-Going-Out-Explaining-it-to-someone/page2.

Now I don't pull out the vampire analogy with everyone as not many have seen the series or would understand and probably think I was mad on top of being CD :devil:. So I use analogies which I know they would understand. So for some of my work colleagues, I use the following:

"Suppose you woke up one day and discovered you were not an Operator (tactical term for those who don't know) but were an Administrative Clerk. Your heart and soul tells you that you are an Operator but the world will only allow you to be an Administrative Clerk. You go on in your existence for years until one day you can't take it and decide to put on some tactical gear and hit the ranges. When you get to the ranges, you discover that nobody cares or bats an eye that the Administrative Clerk is now acting like an Operator. Would you continue to do it and why would you?" ... At that point they normally answer their own questions "Because it would be who I was and it would feel right"

Hugs

Isha

[franlee]

Why do you take an aspirin for a headache or scratch an itch? It feels good and satisfies a need. For me it is stress relief and/or relief. Kind of a mini vacation from everyday problems for a little while. Some times it is just self gratification and there's no shame in that either, I am not talking about just sexual! I credit my CDing with my good health both mental and physical, of course some ailments are natural or accidental and nothing could aid that. So that's my take on why.

[Nadine Spirit]

People have never asked me why I am right handed. But I have been asked why I cross dress. They really want to know about the gender non conforming stuff, like painting my fingernails. But I think the answer is the same to both questions.

I do not choose to do what I do, the same way I never chose to be right handed, I simply allow myself to be who I am.

[JessicaJHall]

So far what I'm able to understand about myself, is that I am obsessed with, and attracted to everything feminine, and feel the opposite about things masculine. I feel great satisfaction and joy in the process of emulating these things.
I wasn't first to come up with the term (as my lovely friend Kate Haylette pointed out), but I like to call it "femulation".

That said, I'm complete closet case, except for this wonderful forum.

Edit: After reading BillieAnneJeans post I realized I failed to clarify that I was referring to masculine aesthetics, as in bodies and clothing, but my life as a man is truly fulfilling and gives me meaning, like she said, six days a week... and on the seventh, I dress, and it is wonderful.

[ReineD]

Tell them you are gender fluid, and sometimes you have a deep need and urge to present as a female even though you have the physical attributes of a male. Tell them there are quite a few people like you but most are closeted.

On a side note, if say half of one percent of males CD, this would mean there are 14 million adult crossdressers world wide.

[LelaK]

A lot of the answers given here I can relate to, including the genetic or congenital answer.

But I remember at about age 4 wanting to be like Mom and wanting to look a lot like her. I've always wanted to be pretty. I suspect I was called pretty when I was very young, because I was pretty then. I think the prettier I can make myself look, the better I feel. I don't care for some feminine mannerisms and maybe it's because Mom didn't have many such mannerisms. She seems to have been my early physical role model.

[Leasa Wells]

I think some people need to put a label on things to better understand them.

We don't get up in the morning asking why the sun rises we accept it just does.

We are who we are and I don't need to label that? I questioned myself for many years, I have now let go of those questions and accept who I am and oddly I feel better.

Free to be me is my answer.

[TanyaWonder]

Simple answer: "It makes me feel pretty and horny."

Complex answer: "Because it gets me more in touch with the parts of me you have to traditionally hide as a male, like feelings. It makes me more sensitive and opens up otherwise suppressed parts of my persona. Those parts I had to suppress (on a side note, there is probably noone who doesnt suppress smthing) to give the impression of being a conformed male. Thats the seeming "perversion", because ppl are still not allowed to be who they are meant to be. Dressing up from time to time makes me a whole person for now, until I find means to integrate those parts without crutches like this one."

[BillieAnneJean]

I love the fabrics, the colors, the bling, the process of putting together an outfit. I love the change in my appearance as I progress through the transformation. I love being someone else for a few hours as I escape the male in charge, the default one who takes care of it male, the alpha role. I love having to deal with the limitations placed on me by the false nails. I love the feel of the false eyelashes. I love how the heels make me walk. I love the change in gravity with the forms (PALS) sticking to my chest. I really love the feel of the clean shaven legs with the thigh high stockings. I love the feel of a clean shaven body. I love the sensations of the temperatures, the A/C in the summer, that I can tell by the cold on my legs in the winter when the door has opened even though I can't see it, the breeze on my legs in the summer. I love how the outfits require some management, like a light weight fabric skirt in a breeze, a long skirt that is very full must be gathered up to sit. I love big heavy earrings that move and tug my earlobes as I walk, can't miss that they are there as they remind me of their presence. I love the restriction caused by a tightly laced corset. This is SO MUCH FUN.

I love taking a girl OUT for her first time. I love taking her out again and again and witnessing her confidence build up. I love how girls come to our Group meetings and at the IN meetings, after finding acceptance, all emotional, find a place where they can just be themselves. A sweetness comes out.

But I love being a guy too. I love being the man with my SO. She is the air I breathe. I love being able to do things that seem to be all but the exclusive domain of men. Like welding, scratching, using a cutting torch, tearing an engine apart and rebuilding it, working with motors over 500 horsepower, using a crane. I LOVE pushing that throttle to the instrument panel, rocketing down the runway, bounding up, up up in to the sky. Twisting that grip and feeling a hundred horsepower as it tries to lift the front wheel, succeeds as it pass 100mph on the entrance ramp. The feel as the boat gets her legs as the sail fills in the breeze.
But doing the guy stuff six days a week makes doing the CDer thing one day a week all the sweeter.

I love LIFE and I LOVE living in a country where I can experience all it has to offer.

But I feel sorry for guys who haven't tried CDing as there is a whole new world on the other side of that wall.

And I LOVE going OUT enfemme because it is like that pushing the throttle to the panel, twisting the throttle all the way, trimming the sails. It is, FOR ME, the proof of concept, the test to see what it will do. I know! It is the discovery of what is possible with what I just created! That's it! That's why going OUT, for me, is part of the process.

And I really appreciate this forum and the kind and supportive people that put up with my rambling.

I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!..........

......... that those who have to ask will never understand.

[Alice Torn]

Being a military veteran, you can tell them you served for the right to dress that way. or that you are a double spirited person, with both a male and female spirit. If some one ever gives me a hassle, i will say i am a veteran and served for the right to dress the part of me that loves women's clothes. Or that i have both male and female spirit.

[Samantha Clark]

Yes, yes, yes, what Billie Anne Jean said! Can't be expressed or explained in a simple, short sentence. Can only be felt. It's ineffable.

[devida]

Why not ask them why they dress the way they do, and when they answer, no matter what the reply, smile and say:"Precisely."

[JessicaJHall]

Damn BillieAnneJean, you must love writing too because your prose are so relatable and beautiful. Almost as beautiful as you look in that turquoise dress in your avatar. What an inspiration you are... you even inspired me to look up the spelling of turquoise!
(turns out there's an "e" on the end.. who knew?)
Julie

Oh and after reading it, I edited my post up thread to add this:
Edit: After reading BillieAnneJeans post I realized I failed to clarify that I was referring to masculine aesthetics, as in bodies and clothing, but my life as a man is truly fulfilling and gives me meaning, like she said, six days a week... and on the seventh, I dress, and it is wonderful.

[Julie Denier]

I love the fabrics, the colors, the bling, the process of putting together an outfit. I love the change in my appearance as I progress through the transformation. I love being someone else for a few hours as I escape the male in charge, the default one who takes care of it male, the alpha role. I love having to deal with the limitations placed on me by the false nails. I love the feel of the false eyelashes. I love how the heels make me walk. I love the change in gravity with the forms (PALS) sticking to my chest. I really love the feel of the clean shaven legs with the thigh high stockings. I love the feel of a clean shaven body. I love the sensations of the temperatures, the A/C in the summer, that I can tell by the cold on my legs in the winter when the door has opened even though I can't see it, the breeze on my legs in the summer. I love how the outfits require some management, like a light weight fabric skirt in a breeze, a long skirt that is very full must be gathered up to sit. I love big heavy earrings that move and tug my earlobes as I walk, can't miss that they are there as they remind me of their presence. I love the restriction caused by a tightly laced corset. This is SO MUCH FUN.

I love taking a girl OUT for her first time. I love taking her out again and again and witnessing her confidence build up. I love how girls come to our Group meetings and at the IN meetings, after finding acceptance, all emotional, find a place where they can just be themselves. A sweetness comes out.

But I love being a guy too. I love being the man with my SO. She is the air I breathe. I love being able to do things that seem to be all but the exclusive domain of men. Like welding, scratching, using a cutting torch, tearing an engine apart and rebuilding it, working with motors over 500 horsepower, using a crane. I LOVE pushing that throttle to the instrument panel, rocketing down the runway, bounding up, up up in to the sky. Twisting that grip and feeling a hundred horsepower as it tries to lift the front wheel, succeeds as it pass 100mph on the entrance ramp. The feel as the boat gets her legs as the sail fills in the breeze.
But doing the guy stuff six days a week makes doing the CDer thing one day a week all the sweeter.

I love LIFE and I LOVE living in a country where I can experience all it has to offer.

But I feel sorry for guys who haven't tried CDing as there is a whole new world on the other side of that wall.

And I LOVE going OUT enfemme because it is like that pushing the throttle to the panel, twisting the throttle all the way, trimming the sails. It is, FOR ME, the proof of concept, the test to see what it will do. I know! It is the discovery of what is possible with what I just created! That's it! That's why going OUT, for me, is part of the process.

And I really appreciate this forum and the kind and supportive people that put up with my rambling.

I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITH THIS!..........

......... that those who have to ask will never understand.

OMG! I found myself saying "EXACTLY!" to so much of that! ;)

[Requal Jo]

Why do I do it? My answer is the same as most. I enjoy being in touch with my feminine emotions. I allows me to escape (who knows from what!!).

[MelanieAnne]

If the truth were known, most of us have no idea why we do it. We just do. And we enjoy it, or we wouldn't do it.
But I can't help you with an answer. My crossdressing is a personal matter, and I have never felt a need to "come out" or talk about it with total strangers. Anymore than I would discuss my sex life with total strangers, or anyone else for that matter. Since I've never told anyone, I've never had to explain it to anyone.

[Sarah Doepner]

I would change the phrase "It makes me feel good" to "It makes me feel better" and then go on with something like this. I am generally happy and comfortable in a man's world, wearing male clothing and presenting that way, but there are times when there is something missing. I had a puzzle piece missing until I found and accepted this part of my life. It nourishes me in ways I can't really explain and challenges me in ways I'd never experienced before. My world is better, although more complicated than it was before. Now to the important stuff, do you like the way my purse and shoes coordinate?

[Krisi]

Unless you want to get into a long discussion with these people, I would stay away from the trick answers so many have posted. I suggest yomething really simple that ends the conversation like "I like to." or "It feels good."

[MelanieAnne]

I will say this much. It is a real kick to look in the mirror and see a nice looking woman, dressed the way I like women to dress, and to just become someone else for a while.

[donnalee]

I usually say something like, "Well one day I was shopping for jeans.. yeah jeans... So then I looked for something fun instead, and I found khaki's... yeah like the one's you're wearing. Then I looked across the aisle and here I am!"
Great answer!
"I don't know." is a valid answer as well (nobody knows everything!).
My own is "Because that's the way it is."
Don't feel pushed into giving an answer at all; most don't deserve one. We are not required to explain ourselves.