At a Crossroads

[CarolDonna]

Hi there. I hope you all are doing okay.

My story is pretty typical. I'm 47. I've been crossdressing since I was in my mid-teens, on and off. I got married when I was 30, divorced when I was 45. Money and my job change from a large company to my own company, where I initially made a small fraction of what I was making before, was a large issue. My expression to my ex-wife in 1995 that I felt the need to crossdress was another. It turned out to be a huge reason in the late stages of the divorce, but I really think that most of it was posturing by her.

My ex held crossdressing over my head during the divorce process. I didn't want to divorce her, but she threatened that if I didn't, she would try to take the entire amount we had, which was around $700,000 at the time. She'd never even seen me dressed, except for panties, which is what the psychologist suggested when I came out with my ex.

I love to cross dress. I also love women very much, which I know is common. I cross dress almost every day, as often as I can. I safely can say I'm dressed more than half the time -- maybe two-thirds, if you count sleeping time.

I'm seeking opinions here. I'm a good person. I'm well-educated (master's degree), I'm kind to people, I have my own business, which is growing, and I don't want to hurt people. It's difficult enough already for me to find a woman I want and who wants me -- I'm educated and I smoke, which usually throws out 90 percent of eligible women right away. My dilemma is whether to plunge into crossdressing and start to associate with people who understand and like crossdressers, or to continue to hide my true self from the world.

I know I can hide it -- at least for discrete periods of time -- perhaps as long as years. Yet, this doesn't seem honest to me.

Outside of psychologists, the only people I who know of my crossdressing are my ex (and her family, who she told during the divorce), my best friend who I dated back in the seventies, and a girlfriend I'm starting to see again who I dated back in the Spring and who is a Dom. I've not gotten any encouraging words from any of the people who know about this. My ex hates it and thinks I am scum. Ex girlfriend, who I'm now seeing again, seemed a bit taken aback by it, even though she's seen plenty of it, and my best friend and I had a long heart-to-heart talk a couple of nights ago about why we never ended up together, during which she mentioned that we'd be a good match, but that she's worried about my crossdressing.

I have a good social life -- mostly female friends, but nothing hot right now. I guess I'm just seeking opinions from folks here. Should I take the plunge and try to meet women who like crossdressers? Should I continue to hide my true self from people? Is there some sort of middle ground I should consider?

Carol

[Julie York]

Yes there is a middle ground. It will take a day or two for you to find it. But when the steam has stopped coming out of your ears you'll feel so much better anyway. But good luck. Your frustration comes through and I sympathise with that.

That wasn't very helpful was it. Sorry.

[Talon DeRojo]

Carol - I'm no expert, but I'd suggest talking more with your best friend. Do you know where you want to go with your CDing? I'm sure that she'd like to know. What worries her? If she's not comfortable with it, back off and preserve what sounds like a solid relationship. Then follow your heart and find people in the CD community who will accept you as you are. Life is too short to hide your true self for such a long time. Be careful, though, about how fast you come out and to whom. I'd really be interested in what you have to say about any of the above.
Talon

[CarolDonna]

Carol - I'm no expert, but I'd suggest talking more with your best friend. Do you know where you want to go with your CDing? I'm sure that she'd like to know. What worries her? If she's not comfortable with it, back off and preserve what sounds like a solid relationship. Then follow your heart and find people in the CD community who will accept you as you are. Life is too short to hide your true self for such a long time. Be careful, though, about how fast you come out and to whom. I'd really be interested in what you have to say about any of the above.
Talon

Talon,

My friend, who I love very much, has made it clear that she isn't comfortable with my CDing, so if I go that route, she can't be part of any one-on-one relationship picture. She's married anyway, and I won't violate the sanctity of marriage.


Yes there is a middle ground. It will take a day or two for you to find it. But when the steam has stopped coming out of your ears you'll feel so much better anyway. But good luck. Your frustration comes through and I sympathise with that.

Julie,

There isn't any steam coming out of my ears. I'm just was being forthright in my post. I've been living this for a long time -- I've only recently reached the point where I am considering letting CDing become a bigger part of my life. It might sound like frustration -- that's certainly nothing new with me on this subject.

[womanatheart]

Hi Carol,
Welcome to cd.com.
Tough question. Your sincerity makes anything but a perfect answer hard to offer.
Your desire for honesty in a relationship is commendable and probably valued by any future GG with whom you would have a serious relationship.
My wife and I have not come to clear terms on my CD. As far as she knows (or lets on), I no longer CD. But, like you and I know - thats not the best way - to live a secret.
John and Jane Q Public has little to no understanding of this CD thing we have in us. Is it deviant? perverse? weird? sissy?
What I can tell you - some of the most valued and cherished posts here were from the fellow cders who found (or has) that amazing understanding and love with a mate or child.
As sure as there are stars in the sky, there is an understanding and beautiful woman out there for you.:)
Love,
Stephanie.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Carol

First of all, I'd like to welcome you here, it's so nice to have you join us. Real tough question, I really can't tell you what to do. I will tell you what's worked for me, maybe that will help you a bit.

I hid my true self for over 50 years, I guess I could have indefinately because I was good at it, but I decided to come out last year because I was tired of living a lie, and I was sad. I was terrified of ever having anyone find out the truth about me, but I guess I was more scared of losing what time I have left by staying incomplete.

Everyone who knows so far, my kids, and family and friends who are close to me, are all cool with it. They're all happy because they see how happy I am now that I can finally be myself. I can not say enough words to describe how my wife has been, just totally awesome. I'll be out at work soon, they're all talking about me behind my back because of my jewelry and nails. It will really hit the fan there, I work in a steel mill and it's a tough audience and such, but I really don't care and I'm ready for it. I think you'll find that those who loved you before will still do so, the others still won't, but personally I don't care about them.

I'm sure there's a middle ground, you don't have to try the high dive like I'll be doing. Perhaps just sharing with those who are close to you, at least for now, and see how that goes. If you want someone to share your life with, and you want to keep dressing and such, then be truthful and honest upfront. You'll find your soul mate in time, as I do believe that there's someone for everyone, it just takes time. Anyway, good luck and all that. You seem to know which direction you want to go in, you just gotta get in the car and drive.

GypsyKaren

[TGMarla]

Hi, CarolDonna, Carol...Donna, whatever we should call you. I'm sorry...Do you want both? Is Carol fine? Good. Hey, I understand just how you feel here. I'm betting that you're just a regular guy, right? You've had two posts here, so I figure you're new to this forum. If you don't mind, I'll be forthright and blunt.

Okay, your wife made a big deal out of an issue that she chose to make your crossdressing an issue, despite the fact that about 1 in 20 men are documented to be crossdressers. It's very common. It's a shame that this is even an issue. Pardon me for saying so, but you remind me of me. I'm a crossdressing male, who for ht exception of crossdressing, is a very average educated, run of the mill, male guy. I like football and baseball, golf and beer. But I also love wearing dresses. So sue me.

I'm in your corner, Carol. But as to coming out to others, please be careful, and take it on a case by case basis.

Hugs, Marla

[Billijo49504]

Welcome to the family. I still feel that the best way is with the truth. Sure you can hide things, but from what I see here, most people sometime make a mistake, and get caught. And then you have to explain a lie. If she finds out about one lie, she might wonder what else you are lieing about. As long as you are starting over, you might as well start out with no sneaking in the relationship. Besides, it's fun having a SO, to go shopping with, help with makeup and just be a girlfriend. Good luck and again welcome...BJ

[tori-e]

I guess I'm just seeking opinions from folks here. Should I take the plunge and try to meet women who like crossdressers? Should I continue to hide my true self from people? Is there some sort of middle ground I should consider?

Carol

Believe me, if you have a loving relationship with another person that loves you for who really are, you are very lucky. If you are a CD and your wife thinks you're hot in skirt, helps you with your makeup or can't resist picking up something cute for you at the mall, life is bliss. There really are women like that out there. (I'm married to one!)

As far as coming out to the rest of the world. This is much more difficult. (for me anyway) There are lots of issues about safety and harassment. Depending on your business, you may lose clients or staff. But depending on were you live, you may have some local groups that provide a safe environment for meeting other CD's. I belong to a local group has lots of different functions. We regularly go to a couple of restaurants where the staff treats us like ladies and the other patrons don't seem to notice there is table full of six foot tall muscular women with deep voices. It's fantastic.

Have some fun!

sincerely,
Tori

[Dana]

Wow~! To be honest this has been on my mind a lot of late.

I left one career of twenty years ~ ten years ago. I got out of my last relationship with a GG eight years ago.

I've been trying to find my way every since.

I'm 48, married once for 12 years, lived with another GG for 6-1/2 years. I got out of the last one ~ and I was like ~ "Man! You, just need to give this a rest for awhile! Take sometime to figure things out, get your bearings, find out what your grid azimuth is! Get your life map orientated to the surroundings!"

And, that's where I've been for the last eight years.

Sat around in an empty apartment with nothig but an Elvis decnater of Jack Daniels whiskey, drinking out of Fred Flintsone jelly glass, after the movers had already come and gone and took most everything I had spent the better part of my life working for and to have.

Me, Elvis, Fred, and Jack had us a talk!

1. When you're up to you azz in alligators and snakes, you lose objectivity quick, fast and in a hurry like ~ and tend to forget that your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

2. The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

3. Its takes two to make it, but only one to break it!

4. You can give, and give, and give some more ~ and it still won't be enough!

5. You can hang your azz on a "lovers cross" and still be scorned!

6. "To thy own self be true!"

7. De-nial isn't just a river in Egypt!

8. When you think you're fooling someone ~ you're only fooling yourself!

9. You can't go wrong by yourself!

10. Better to be single and alone ~ than miserable with someone else!

11. Drinking ~ Drugs changes nothing! Un-does nothing! Prevents nothing!

12. You've got to love yourself, before you can find someone to love you!

13. As you think is as your perceive, as you perceive is as you become!

14. Purges don't work!

15. You get with a GG, its only a question ~ not if ~ before your into her things! Not cool!

16.. There are worse things in life than being a crossdresser!

17. If divorce is the worse thing that ever happens to you ~ count your blessings! You got off light ~ and you're way ahead of the rest of the people in the world!

18. I'm alive! Forget the rest ~ that's all that matters!

19. Breath, Damit! Breath!

20. You've got to want to live!

21. Try, try, and try again! Then quit! No use making a damn fool out of yourself!

22. One of the definitions of insanity ~ is repeatedly doing the same thing over, and over, and over ~ expecting different results!

23. Once you join, embrace the TG community, you will find the "one" that is looking for you!

24. If your a GG, looking for a guy that's NOT a sports fanatic ~ don't go to sports bars looking for true love! If your a crossdresser, don't go to "Gilly's" in Houston looking for ture love.

25. Dommino's delivers Pizza ~ they don't deliver true love! (The one your looking for isn't going to just come knocking on your door!)

26. The time to get real, is now!

27. If you live to be 70, from the day you're born you've 25,550 days! 3640 weeks, 840 months ~ the time to get real! The time to get busy living your life ~ is yesterday!

28. Life isn't a practice rehearshal!

29. Get busy living, or get busy dying!

[Natalie x]

:iagree: (how can you not?! Thanks Dana)

Carol, it seems you're already in the middle ground. Your next decision is whether or not to move, and then which direction to go. I think you really know what you want to do already, and are looking for some encouragement. Well, you came to the right place. We can't tell you what to do, that's up to you, but we will back you up. Here you will find love and support, you will read about what we have done in our own lives, which may help you, and when things go tits up, we will be here to wipe away the tears. That's what families are for.

[CarolDonna]

Thank you everyone for your replies. This is a nice place. :)

I'm pretty sure I want to keep my public life normal. My private life, OTOH, I'm open to changing. Even so, I don't want everyone in my private life to know of my interest. I have some good female friends who would not be understanding (one, for example, who doesn't like manicures on men and prefers the "rough and ready" look. Ex-GF, likes manicures and pedicures on me, and likes my hair long. I didn't mind sharing with her. She may turn out to be a source of contacts. She's already told me that if I want to get into the dom-sub scene, that she would like to go with me to make sure nobody abuses me. Apparently, if she walks into a party and somehow lets it be known that I am "hers," she can maintain control of the situation.

So, while it might seem that I don't want to be "open" to many people about myself, this is a vast change from a few years ago when I didn't want anybody to know about it.

CD

[Ms. Donna]

Thank you everyone for your replies. This is a nice place. :)

I'm pretty sure I want to keep my public life normal. My private life, OTOH, I'm open to changing. Even so, I don't want everyone in my private life to know of my interest.

Your private life is, well, umm, your private life - emphisis on your. There is no need to include everyone you know in on what you do in private. The key here is to do that with which you are comfortable. If that means the only two people know Carol, than so be it. As much as you may feel 'compelled', there is to reason that you have to dive in unless you feel it's the right thing for you.


So, while it might seem that I don't want to be "open" to many people about myself, this is a vast change from a few years ago when I didn't want anybody to know about it.

And that in itself is a huge step forward. I remember the first time I actually 'came out' to someone (another story) - it was as amazing feeling. To actually say the words to another person - and have them accept it. Once you've done that, it is very hard to go back to keeping 'yourself' a secret.

That said, the best advice I ever received regarding all of this was the following: "Just because you're TG doesn't mean that you have to do anything about it." You may well wind up doing all sorts of things, but you are not obligated to do anything.

Go slow, be patient and allow yourself the opportunity to 'grow' into yourself. More than likely, the details will take care of themselves.

Love & Stuff,
Donna