does you so change their mind

[shelly1]

when I first told my wife I wanted to wear women's clothes she said she was ok with it as long as I kept it private. now she keeps flip flopping one day its fine the next it is not . does anybody else have the same situation and can anybody give me some advice on how to deal with is.

[Rachael Leigh]

Yes hon all the time now mine is mostly not for it but there are times she teases me about shopping but yeah I understand but know don't get it

[Coping2014]

This is a GG perspective - REALLY? you don't get it? All I ever hear is how conflicted you all are and how you dress one minute, purge another, dress again, shame, guilt, etc. It was explained as a rollercoaster before. PLEASE keep in mind that we have the same issues. We love you and WANT to be ok and sometimes try to fake it hoping that EVERYTHING will be ok and become the norm! But (in my case) there was a day when I was just having a really bad day and I was REALLY thankful that my husband didn't even once bring up anything that was CD related. I think I would have come unglued and NOTHING would have been ok. We also have talked and discussed that this can happen - I don't mean it to -I mean do you have feeling about something say something that you really like and then one day realize that it just not the same? We are ALL human so please don't automatically chastise us for a flaw that you also possess. Sorry down off my soapbox!

Coping2014

[Bria]

Coping has made an excellent point that it's not just about us, in involves our SO, and just as sometimes we want to dress up and sometimes we don't, our SO's level of support may drift up and down for reasons that are not obvious to us. Remember that guys don't have the hormonal ups and downs that GGs do which can effect their emotions no matter how much they love us. Remember how much you love that SO and be respectful of her feelings. Also remember the magic words "Yes Dear".

My 2 cents!

Hugs, Bria

[carhill2mn]

It is very common for an SO's feelings about CDing to change from time to time. A person's feelings about anything are not always the same. What you can do is to acknowledge
how she is feeling and reassure her as to your feelings for her.

[CynthiaD]

This just means your wife is human. You can take an intellectual position on something, and still have a different feeling about it from day to day. This is common with everyone.

For example, in general, you might like tacos, but today, you just don't feel like eating tacos.

It's the same for CDing. In general, she might be accepting, but today it's just too much. Talking always helps.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

My wife was the same way for many years.

She flipped flopped from total acceptance to not wanting to see or hear anything about it. She'd run out and buy me a new outfit and then come down on me for wearing it. It drove me completely bonkers.

What made her do this I was never able to find out. It was not related to any monthly cycle that I was able to figure out.

How did I cope. I just did the best I could and went with the flow.

[natalie_cheryl]

Yup. Sometimes she is super supportive some times not so much.

[Teresa]

Shelly,
I struggle to get Cding off my mind, and so does my wife but then she has more things other than that to juggle with. She has concerns about the kids and now the grandchildren, she still has work to think about, supermarket shopping, the list goes on ! Some days the thought of seeing us in a dress all prettied up goes down like a lead balloon ! I do all the cleaning and cooking but my Cding has bothered me too much this year to get all the house maintenance done, which I feel pretty bad about !
We have good days and bad days with our CDing, our partners are only human and suppose to be the weaker sex, we can't expect everyday to be a bed of roses !

[Rachael Leigh]

Coping yeah I do understand how hard this can be on the SO and I only have my experience. I know really how much mine would just prefer it go away and when I get in a purge mood and it does than within a month or so it's back well one could expect for her that makes her crazy so yes I do get it didn't mean to sound selfish which I am well aware I am to an extent.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you read the stories here, you will find is is extremely common, and the norm really.

Like Coping said, most SOs don't like it at all, but at the same time try really hard to be supportive. She hates it, but wants to make you happy, but it is too much to deal with sometimes.

[AllieSF]

This is a continual problem in most marriages and relationships. Communication, open and honest with non-heated interchanges, is definitely not the norm in most of the relationships that I have seen and been involved in over the last 60+ years. I understand where you are coming from Coping, but I always wonder why people cannot just tell their SO in a nice way what they are truly thinking and feeling. Why is it necessary for the other half to always be an expert in reading between the lines of unclear and sometimes un-necessary hard or vague replies? If they can't talk reasonably calmly at the moment, why not just say let's talk about this later? It goes both ways and the question is a good one, why the flip flop and why not just have a good conversation or conversations over time about it. Issues, whatever they are, CDing, drinking, too much golf time, or girls nights out, whatever, need to be discussed not buried deep inside. I believe that inability to communicate and discuss cause more problems than the original issues do.

I always wanted to talk about issues with my Ex, and she never could. I was not the perfect communicator either, but at least I wanted to discuss it to find out what the real issues were, and never learned how to stimulate her to share her inner feelings, nor what may have been caused by me and could have been changed and improved. So, to me, Shelly has every right to ask that question and hopefully learn how to open up her SOs inner feelings for discussions and hopefully resolutions or acceptable compromises. The SO can bury his or her head in the sand, but issues very rarely ever "just go away".

[MsVal]

One of the common observations husbands make about their wives is that they make us crazy. This has nothing to do with crossdressing. While we may give lip service to that complaint, we love them and wouldn't want them any other way.

Yes, my wife drives me nuts ... and I love her more than I can say.

Best wishes
MsVal

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Shelly, At this point in time it's a DA/DT kind of thinggie My wife tolerates it but just don't want to see me while I'm dressed.

[Allison Chaynes]

Shelly, what you're experiencing is normal. It all depends on your wife. Mine has come around to a level I would not have expected ten years ago. She's still not thrilled most of the time, but then at others she seems to love it.

[Anna H]

I'm very fortunate that I don't have that problem, but I was very close
to it.

I was married for 3 years and thought for 100% sure that she wouldn't
have any problems with it. I would have bet on it.

A few months after getting married, I mentioned something about
a dress she had...it think i said it looked like it would fit me. Not even
intending it as more than a kidding remark.

She flew off the handle like I'd never seen and said..Oh NO! I'm not
having any man with a dress on.

She never knew I was about halfway serious about that dress, so the
subject was never mentioned again. We split because of other reasons,
but I'm sure glad I never had the chance to do any dressing around her.
I did love her, but it wasn't going to work.

My (now) wife knew from the start. I answered to door when she came
over one day because I didn't have time to un-dress. She was just a
friend at the time, so it didn't matter a lot if she knew.

She's seen it all. There used to not be an internet and CDing was
was a DIY, on the fly, whatever I wanted to make of it, type
of thing. I've been so ridiculous at times that I'm amazed she tolerated
it at all. She's just one of the rare ones who doesn't have any
problems with it. But if she did, I'd understand. It's a strange thing
that makes no sense.


That adds little to the subject here, but I do feel for those
of us who have conflict about it. The only useful thing I could add would
be for those who still have a choice to be very upfront about it in the
beginning. It doesn't appear to be a thing we can put aside for long.

.

[Allison Chaynes]

Another thought- try to make your style with her input. This may mean wearing androgynous looking jeans or tops, but uf it helps her find it more acceptable, it's worth a try.

[Tinkerbell-GG]

I'll admit I change my mind regularly about pretty much everything! Drives my H nuts, lol.

WRT his dressing, I was definitely more accepting in the initial lovey dovey years. Bring forward kids, mortgage, busy work lives, and I guess my tolerance dropped as I guess I saw it as consuming parts of my H we really couldn't spare! Not to mention, my libido took a nosedive so having him in a dress sure didn't help that area!

Anyway, we figured out DADT was the best way forward as I love him, but I'll admit I don't love the crossdressing. Luckily, he's a very private dresser anyway so he doesn't mind indulging quietly without me. I think we've both grown closer actually, having figured this part out and because there's no longer all this pressure on me to pretend I like seeing him dressed (I don't!) or even be involved, I don't really change my mind about this so much anymore.

Keeping within a spouse's boundaries is the best way to limit the flip flopping, I'd think. But I know that's not always possible or desired and life itself can change how we feel about things. Though, I also think it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind if she needs to! Just sayin'...but I might say something else later, lol. :)

[Amanda1128]

Mine doesn't know.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Hi Shelly, At this point in time it's a DA/DT kind of thinggie My wife tolerates it but just don't want to see me while I'm dressed.
One of the great benefits of a DADT approach is the honesty without the emotional roller coaster. My wife knows I dress but that is the limit of her knowledge and interest. Yet we still have interesting discussions about style and makeup.

Initially I was disappointed that my wife who professed to love me unconditionally wouldn't even discuss my femme side. Now DADT works very well and I totally understand that her 'turning a blind eye' does demonstrate unconditional love.

[Kimberly Ann]

I have had my own flip flopping moments, but find myself a lot more on the accepting side recently. For me, honesty is the most important thing. I don't like the idea of DADT simply because it makes it feel more like something that needs to be hidden. With that being said, I completely understand how that would work for other people. My husband and I have discussed many times how CD's make up a group of people who fall into many categories on a very broad spectrum. I think the same can be said for their SO's. My husband's forms most often turn me on and are very welcome in the bedroom. I can also understand how for some women it would be impossible to become aroused if their husband were to wear the forms to bed. Even with my high level of acceptance....I still have days where the whole idea of it just pisses me off. I can't really explain it. One particular experience comes to mind in relation to this topic. My husband and I were on a 10 day vacation...just the two of us. Since we have three children that live at home with us..my husband was very eager to pack a lot of his dresses...hose....etc.. I love to read. On about day seven as I am laying in bed reading (a really great book that I was totally into by the way) my husband starts dressing...I made it very clear to him that I was perfectly fine as long as I didn't have to be involved. Keep in mind that we were in a one room condo (other than the bathroom). He would put on an outfit and then talk about it and want my input. He was very insistent and after me telling him repeatedly that I did not want to be involved....I lost it. Sometimes I feel like my wants and desires take a back seat to the tunnel vision that comes with my husband's cross dressing. I would say that at least 90% of the time we strike a perfect balance! but when we don't .....it's not good :)

[Beverley Sims]

I still get the occasional rejection and it is usually when I dress too well.
I find dressing down a little helps.
It annoys me when she says why wear your wig? It's not necessary.

Well..... It is. :)

[DonnaT]

Just remember her feelings are just as real as yours.

The best way I coped was to remain calm, and not get angry with her. In fact, I've never started an argument with my wife of 39 years over this or any other issue.

[Kris Avery]

My SO has ups and downs, but then again it might just be her 'her'mones:devil:

Seriously, she is touchy and has the right to change her mind whenever she wants.
I love her and accept that you have to take things day by day.

It's a lot to ask but then again, she does tell me,that she is so happy that she got to meet the real me for the first time ever and has seen the increased connection between us increase exponentially.

[vicky_cd99_2]

Mine does from time to time not so much changes her mind but doesn't want to deal with it. So I leave well enough alone. She lets me dress whenever I want for the most part. I do grow all my hair back every now and then just so she gets the guy she married back. She told me a couple of years after I came out to her. "When you came out of the closet you threw me into it". Saying she didn't have anyone she could talk to. She did want to tell her friends which is cool with me. She loves me and I love her for who we are and were.

[lexivanderpump]

My wife never told me anything negative until very recently. It shocked me because I thought everything was ok. It was my fault though because we were doing the DADT thing and I started using her make up and things like that and that is what upset her. She told me she wasnt happy about my CDing. But when I asked her if she wanted me to STOP CDing she said, "I'm not telling you to stop, i'm just telling you how I feel." .....so I stopped using her stuff and we havent talked about it anymore. I still CD using the DADT thing. I am waiting for the other shoe to drop though.

[Marcelle]

Hi Lexi,

Relationships are a funny thing. Even if we move CDing out of the equation you will find that all relationships ebb and flow around what each partner finds important to him or her. I know this analogy I am about to give does not compare to CDing so before anyone jumps down my throat it is not comparative just an analogy. I love to create/mod computers it is a thing I do to unwind and for the most part my wife though she doesn't quite get it, supports it. I can spend literally and entire day dissecting three ammunition cans to create a computer case and then spend hours more fitting computer hardware within it. I will talk about it and obsess about it. My wife listens, nods her head and smiles. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up in it that I forget she has needs when it comes to talking about the things that are important to her and then her acceptance of my zeal will wane because she does not have a common passion for it. Likewise my wife is a gamer girl and I am not a gamer guy so when she gets wrapped up in her gaming deeds I sometimes get put off because I want to discuss other things. CDing can have a similar affect on us and we strive to strike balance so it is not all about CDing but how we share the experience together (common ground).

We (CDers) need to understand that even the most accepting SO is going to find this a bit weird (my wife's words not mine) but she strives to understand it because we take one day a week and spend an hour discussing everything about it . . . likes, hates, concerns and so forth. This allows us to keep grounded.

Hugs

Isha

[Krisi]

My wife sends mixed signals as well. She picked out a nice blouse for me one day. A couple days later she asked me how it fit. A few days later I got dressed up and wore it. She came home and said nothing but a couple hours later she started in on the "I don't understand why you want to dress like a woman" thing.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Instead of thinking the glass is half empty when drossdressing disgusts her, think of it a half full when she's really cool with it.

[MariaA]

This is a very touchy subject. I am going to tread carefully but be truthful. I hope not to offend anyone! When I met my current wife I felt the need to tell her not necessarily right away but sooner then later in the relationship. I figured it would be fare if she knew who she was going to be dating especially after we dropped the LOVE word. So I told her. Her initial reaction was basically hell no. F- this F that you're a fag all kinds of mean and soul crushing comments. Which I knew were going to happen, was hoping they didn't but they did. As time went on we took it slow I explained everything that I could to her. Well one day she looked me in the face and said I accept you for who you are. Fast forward a bit she buys me breastforms and other clothes hell she put me in hers. we get married. all is good!!! Well then I have to leave for an extended period of time. WORK!!!

She mails me some panties and wants a photo so I send her one. this was the beginning of the end!! I mean she had her ups and downs but nothing serious just questions....anyways she tells me never to send her a photo ever again. it wasn't the same. I said ok "feelings hurt" but I understood. well we are getting a divorce now because she realized or whatever that she can't deal with it she can't do it.

My thoughts on it all: I think it is bologna to look at your SO no matter what is going on and tell them you love and accept them for everything that they are and then turn around and throw a hissy fit because something happened that you don't like. This goes both ways. It isn't fair to ok with it one day and the next turn around and flip out. Unless of course you have laid down ground rules. Like hey dress but don't bug me do it yourself. I get that but that isn't the issue we are referring to. The issue is being ok with it then changing your mind down the road. Now if you were never ok with it then I understand but if you look at your SO and say I accept you this and change your mind later then you are the one who is wrong.

Well I hope I made sense as I read I realize I repeated myself lol oh well just speaking my mind. I just feel that we allow people to judge us too much because we enjoy a certain lifestyle!! thank you for reading

[paula1911]

My wife was the same. When I thought my wife didn't approve I decided to abandon my cd ways. I was miserable and I am sure it showed as I went back to my male asshole self again.

When I dress I am more pleasant companionate helpful. Now it's no problems and I guess my wife decided to let me be me than the male asshole that I have been for three decades.

[Janine cd]

Yes, I have experienced the same phenomenon. She has shifted from accepting to totally against my dressing several times in the past. Always though, she relents and accepts who I am.