Very concerned about a suddenly dying

[jeniinnylons]

Ok so recently a friend's brother died from a sudden heart attack. He was in his late 30's. Got me really scared about if it happened to me and what everyone will think when I'm gone and they find my girly things. All I can think of is the bad things people will think about me. Single parent so no SO to get rid of things. No friends know so that's out too.

[Kris Avery]

Well, that's a hard one.
Of course, if you are gone to a better place.....

[susmitha]

@jenniinnylons, I also used to wonder (or worry?) if I die suddenly, my crossdressing secret will be out.

[Allison Chaynes]

Wife and I just discussed this an hour ago. I found out yesterday I am facing a triple bypass in the next three weeks due to scar tissue buildup from childhood heart disease. I'm 35. Her parents are probably going to come here while I'm in the hospital, and they are very snoopy. So Allison's stuff is going to have to go somewhere while that happens. And if I go, I feel bad about the wife having to spend time and energy trying to dispose of Allison's stuff while keeping it secret.

I don't know what to tell you as a single parent, but know many of us empathize.

[LelaK]

Best info (mercola.com) is that heart attacks etc are caused by high carb diet wrongly promoted by medicine since the early 80s. If I die while dressed, I might get outed, but I won't care. If my pretty clothes are found, I'll try to have a note saying "for Goodwill" or something.

[Eryn]

What will people think? 90% of them won't even know because they won't be involved in the disposition of your goods. Those that are will be concerned in getting rid of it all and will likely bag it all up and give it to charity. They my be puzzled by the feminine things but there are many plausible explanations.

I am saddened by CDers who are prompted to purge by fear of ostracism beyond the grave.

[TinaZ]

I assume you have a will? Or a trust? The easiest answer would be to include a sealed letter with your final instructions to your executor. As in, if it's a good friend, or brother, just include a private note: "Hey, I liked to dress up. No biggie! Please quietly donate it to Goodwill." Or whatever.

Or, do nothing and give everyone something to talk about.

Either way, you win!

[Allison Chaynes]

I assume you have a will? Or a trust? The easiest answer would be to include a sealed letter with your final instructions to your executor. As in, if it's a good friend, or brother, just include a private note: "Hey, I liked to dress up. No biggie! Please quietly donate it to Goodwill." Or whatever.

Or, do nothing and give everyone something to talk about.

Either way, you win!

You can do a will virtually for free in most states. I used doyourownwill.com, saved it as a Word file, printed it and had it notarized.

Lela- in my case, my cholesterol is way below average. My issues are from scar tissue associated with a childhood heart disease that could not have been predicted. I highly recommend to anyone who feels their doctor isn't taking them seriously to get a second opinion. I had three EKGs and three Echocardiograms this year, all by three different practices, that turned up nothing. It wasn't until I insisted to my primary care doc that I had pressure on my chest that wasn't explainable that he sent me for a treadmill stress test, where something appeared off. I had a catheterization Thursday that found three blockages from scar tissue. I will know more Tuesday when I meet back with my cardiologist. Sorry to digress, but my point is that you know when you're not feeling right, don't allow a doctor to be dismissive. I would likely not be here much longer if I hadn't kept pressing the issue.

[Krisi]

I have a wife to take care of things but there's the possibility we will die together. In any event, I will be dead and won't know or care what people think.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

OK, first and foremost to all the folks on this web site. If you don't have a will, GET ONE!!!

You don't want some judge or state official deciding what happens with your kids or estate, especially if you leave loved ones behind. Every states laws can be a little bit different so don't assume your state is the same as another. Did you know that in some states "blood" inherits before marriage? That means kids get the money before your wife or husband would.

There are several web sites available for easy to make wills. "LegalZoom.Com" is one of them. Allison listed another site also. Anything is better than nothing and folks, you have no idea the fighting that can some out when estates get divided up. I've seen some of it first hand. It gets UGLY.

Allison, good luck on the surgery. I agree that you're responsible for your own health and if you don't like what the doctor is doing, say something until you do like the response. From a personal perspective concerning Heart Bypass surgery, 1992 was the year of the bypass for me. My father, my father-in-law and my wife's grandfather all had double bypasses that year. Everyone recovered with no complications. Just be ready to hit the gym the day after surgery because they want you up and walking immediately. No lying around in bed!

Just my 2 cents!:)

[CynthiaD]

Some time ago I had two friends go through kidney transplants after long bouts with the flu. (At least that's the way I understood it.) I came down with some flu-like symptoms, and immediately went to the doctor. I mentioned that the reason I was there is because I didn't want to end up like my friends. He said, "Instead of worrying about stuff like that, why don't you worry about something you can change? Go out and get more exercise! It will add years to your life."

I've always considered that to be good advice.

[Emi_]

Hate to put it this way but, you'll be dead. What will it matter? In fact, why does it ever matter what people think? We are what we are. All that shame does is make us live a lie and convince ourselves that a good lie is better than a good life.

[Jonithan]

The threat of dropping dead is what got me out to the wife. I didn't want for her to think I was ever unfaithful to her as she stumbles upon my stash. "Just who's panties and stockings are these? They're not mine".

To purge your stuff in the afterlife, get a storage locker in your name. When the rent becomes past due they will auction your locker off. That was easy.

joni

[reb.femme]

When you're gone, is there any point worrying, unless it reflects back on someone else? Personally I couldn't give a grit! Damn, I really must run the spell check before posting. :heehee:

Rebecca

[Roxie]

Had the same thought about 2 mths ago . Simple solution I found was to come out to some friends and family,that way one of them can race to my house and get my girls stuff squared away. This is actual truth of why I started coming out,makes life a whole lot easier .
Roxie

[darla_g]

wow this thread makes me think of that Golden Girls episode (Season 6 Episode 12 thanks Internet!) when Dorothy's brother dies and WANTS to be laid out in a dress. Phil really wanted them to know! Dorothy gives the eulogy but for a dark topic it was a pretty funny episode.

Does the Golden Girls reference date me?

[Emi_]

The more I think about it, the more I feel that it would be the ultimate indignity to have to spend my eternity "living a lie." I mean, I want to be remembered for who I truly am, not what others wanted me to be. I want to face the ages boldly in my own persona, not in the disguise I wore because I thought I needed to please others. To be dead and keep this a secret when it can no longer do me harm would be to give the control of my own eternity to others even though it is mine.

The bigger worry should be that you do the things you need to do to live a long and healthy life. You may choose never to be open about your private self in this life, but you should have the opportunity to enjoy this life for as long and as well as you can while you are here. Believe me, there will plenty of time in the pine box later, no point in worrying about anything more than staying out of it for as long as you can.

[Jessica Keys]

Or you can do what I did a couple years ago in the same situation ....purge to whole load and be free from it.
It was fun while it lasted and I didn't hurt anyone,
Am I happier now...yes/no but I know when i am gone it will be a clean get-away

[Katey888]

I liked the idea that was discussed recently about writing a letter that could accompany your will... It gives you a chance to explain things, preempt any major discoveries and remove any misinterpretations others may have.

If it's important to you, and you have someone you trust to handle that knowledge, at least you've tried to explain through them...

I must make the time to write that letter one day soon... I'd like to do that. :)

Katey x

[PegyL]

Dead You as a person will never know what happens ar what people think.as you will be gone. so who cares, PegyL

[Nicole Erin]

Death is an invasion of one's privacy. We never know when we will go anyways. You probably do not have to worry about dropping over dead at this age.

If your family did find out after you died, it would not matter. Even if they didn't agree with it, it's not like you would be around for them to start silly drama.

[Teresa]

Jenny I can hardly think they are going to fight over my stuff, if I'm gone whatever they do is not going to concern me !

I think Katey has a point about a letter to explain ! It's surprising how little we do know about family members, I thought about this recently my children will know about 50% of my full life when I die ! I wonder if others had thought about this

[wilt575]

I,m out and accepted by close family and the rest I,m gone so who cares. I have given them two options also the funeral home in pre-arrangement plans. First laid out in hot bikini swim suit make up and shaved, sexy chic look or laid out in sexy nighty etc. open casket. Second option closed casket but still dressed as in open casket plans, just want to go into ground in something hot and girly, not ho-hum drab.

[Adriana Moretti]

dark subject....i often wondered too...when all my hiding spots got discovered...id be dead though so....whattayagunnado....its creepy to think about...

[ArleneRaquel]

Before I was married and still living at home with my parents I often dressed female when I went to bedm but often, in the middle of the night, I would change into manly sleep attire. I did so, not so much if being "caught", but in the fear that I would die enfemme. Now that I am much older I don't care if I'm "caught" or not.

[JessicaJHall]

Lately, since the kids moved out, and I got huge into dressing again (took a decade off), I've been trying to figure out some sort of "dead man's girl's switch". Like if I had my stuff in storage or something.. but the storage unit business is a nightmare, they even want emergency contacts!! I would just want them to get rid of it. There is a TG /CD transformation service and B&B in my area*, and they have storage, so I'm going to go that route, I think. But then my stuff can't always be in storage now can it?:D
*http://www.victoriasrainbow.tv/home.html

Edit: Forgot the painfully ironic part: BOTH kids moved back in!!! :Angry3:

[DanaGirl]

If I die, Im dead so I guess I wont care what those left behind think about finding my things. If it changes how they think about me as a person then screw them. I'm a good person and can live my life wearing panties if it isn't hurting anyone else.

[MsJulie]

Well...I guess I am wondering if it would effect what they would bury me in...Ha!

My psych recently suggested that this is really only a piece of who we are to other people...so the people who truly care about us won't be that effected by it...I mean we are the same person they always knew just with different trimming. She also said that the more comfortable I am with it the less I will be bothered by what others think. I believe that makes sense as well. It is more about me than them. I do like the letter idea. I believe if this were a close friend of mine that died and his/her girly things were found, I would wonder why they didn't trust in me enough to stand by them and accept them. So I think I might put that in a letter explaining to all who didn't know...

All this is well and good...but many people who I am close to do not know and I am not ready to share...though I want to and I have come out to about 11 people in the past year and so far it has been wonderful. My best male friends do not know.

Wonderful thread as it makes one think.

xox

julie

[Allison Chaynes]

A lot of good discussion here! I feel I must add one more thought- since my medical issues have been discovered, and it's forcing me to face my mortality, I have felt a very strong urge to just want to come out and quit hiding Allison. For my wife's sake, I won't, but I find myself wanting to be more open instead of less so, even knowing how some of the family will react.

[Barbara Jo]

I agree....... as long as you have your finances in order for your surviving loved ones..... who cares what people might say about you after your gone.

The fact is, many people have secrets that are only discovered after they die.

So just enjoy living....as long are you're not hurting anyone doing so. After all, that is the ultimate point, is it not? :)

[Andy66]

How about a twist on the letter idea? Consider leaving a letter explaining the clothes in the bottom of a box or drawer for someone to find it? It doesnt have to be to a particular peson, just whoever gets tasked with taking care of your stuff.

[DeeDeeB]

Put in your will to return all the ladies' things to their original owners - keep them looking for months.

Dee :fairy1:

[Nancie64]

:thinking:DeeDeeB, I love your idea. I don't know if it will work or not. I have over 40 skirts, 12 dresses, shoes, and misc under things. This certainly is an interesting topic. I have kids who know nothing of my habit. I did put a pic with my SO's photo shoot with a note that says, " For my 65 birthday I went to have a photo shoot, full dress, makeup, the works". They will laugh about it, I hope. It is a true concern, living in a small town, people would love to talk. Find someone who you can trust and just ask them to dispose of the items in your house that are in a special spot, no other explanation needed. My sister in law has this job if both my SO and I would go at the same time. It is a subject to be given some special thought.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jenni, I told my wife what dress that I want to be laid out in, She said Over My Dead Body.

[CherylAnne]

This thread could not have come at a better time for me. I almost never start a thread, rarely reply, but read of others all the time. I am having open heart surgery this Wednesday. Came up all of a sudden. Went to my PCP on Friday for something else, the next thing I know I am in the heart cath lab and by Saturday I am being scheduled for surgery. Hopefully, I will be here next week leaving a note that all went well, but if not, thanks to the forum and all of the participants have helped me over the years. This is a fabulous group of ladies and I have enjoyed my time with you.

[Cheryl T]

My philosophy is this. Years ago my mom was in Florida visiting friends. She mentioned she was looking at buying a house there.
She then asked what I would do with it if she died. I responded "what do you care, you'll be dead". She just said, "you're right". She never did buy the house anyway, but if you aren't here for the reaction what difference does it make? You've made your mark on the world and if that does not over ride this little bend in the stream then it's not because of you, it's because of them.

[MsJulie]

Best if Luck CherylAnne...I know this is a big deal...but Open Heart Surgery is far more common and successful than it used to be- so I am sure you will be fine...Try not to stress too much...good thing you went in and they found the problem...

hugs

julie

[CarlaWestin]

Hate to put it this way but, you'll be dead. What will it matter? In fact, why does it ever matter what people think? We are what we are. All that shame does is make us live a lie and convince ourselves that a good lie is better than a good life.


If I die, Im dead so I guess I wont care what those left behind think about finding my things. If it changes how they think about me as a person then screw them. I'm a good person and can live my life wearing panties if it isn't hurting anyone else.

If I go before my wife, I'm sure she'll secretly take all of my stuff to the landfill in fear of someone seeing that she was married to a crossdresser and condemning her to eternal hell. But, if I go last, I hope my daughter will see all of my stuff and go through the laptop and hard drives and admire the extra life that her father enjoyed. Maybe in future conversations she'll describe me as one of the CD pioneers.

[Jolene]

No one in my family knows of Jolene so far as I can tell, but anyway when I do pass, there will be a very interesting estate sale. :)

[MelanieAnne]

If you live alone, and you're going in for surgery, you could rent a small storage locker, and put everything in it. If you did die, the rent would go unpaid, and eventually the locker would be opened and the stuff thrown away or auctioned off. But no one would know who the stuff belonged to.

I've often pondered the subject the subject myself.

[Samantha_Smile]

Ok so recently a friend's brother died from a sudden heart attack. He was in his late 30's. Got me really scared about if it happened to me and what everyone will think when I'm gone and they find my girly things. All I can think of is the bad things people will think about me. Single parent so no SO to get rid of things. No friends know so that's out too.

Sudden death from cardiac arrest in the under 50 group is very rare.
As there are rarely lifestyle factors (obesity, sedatory life style etc) at that age, its usually genetics that are to blame.
The odds of it actually happening to you are slim.


Now, as for people thinking bad of you - Why do you care - YOU WILL BE DEAD! lol
It's not something to worry about :D

[GenieGirl]

I used to worry about that scenario too. But now I think I would want people to know when I'm gone and pray that only the "pretty" pics of me leak out for them to see......laughing about the idea, not of dieing though.

[Stephanie47]

I've thought about it. I'm married. I am assuming my wife will dispose of the girly stuff as she stumbles upon them. If she dies before me I intend to start reducing my wardrobe. Who needs 104 dresses? I have been feeling less and less urges to be en femme. I hope I would find myself back to where I started- floor length nightgowns and panties that I my kids might thinks were mom's. If we die together?...my shit's in the wind.

[Kate Simmons]

Personally, I really don't care what other people think of me now. If I die I can't, so I don't concern myself with it.:)

[silow]

I try not worry about dying. But living. If you live a good life, than one would hope they remenber you with good thoughts.

[Claire Cook]

I guess Claire's quirky sense of humor has taken over. I think I'd worry more about whether I could CD in the Afterlife.....

[paulinescotlandcd]

If you can't stop worrying about stuff when you are dead when can you?

[mariehart]

If you're dead you won't care. Death has the effect of taking away all your problems in one fell swoop.

You cannot spend your life worrying about what your reputation after you are dead. In any case it's likely the person or persons clearing out your stuff will probably realise the truth and will probably keep it to themselves. No one likes to speak ill of the dead.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm not really worried about what anyone thinks about me after I'm dead. I'll be dead. What difference will it make? If I die before my sister, it will be her problem to deal with all the issues such as what to do with all my stuff, etc.. Of course, as she treated me like sh!t most of my life, it will serve her right.

[Michelle789]

If you're worried that they're going to harass you, confront you, or guilt trip you about your CDing, you will be dead, so they cannot possibly do any of that to you. If you are dead then you will feel nothing - you will not feel their reaction to discovering your CDing.

[Allison Chaynes]

I don't care what people think of me, however CDing would impact my wife and how others see her. I don't want to be the cause of undue stress for her.

[bridget thronton]

Once I shared my dressing with my adult children I stopped worrying about post death discoveries. I have asked to be buried in whatever is my favorite skirt suit at the time and my Academic robe. Not worried about hair and makeup.

[Brianna_H]

If I die, Im dead so I guess I wont care what those left behind think about finding my things. If it changes how they think about me as a person then screw them. I'm a good person and can live my life wearing panties if it isn't hurting anyone else.

This.

Are we doing something shameful? Is exploring your gender presentation that awful a thing? I guess I got used to getting laughed at as a chubby kid. People who laugh at others over how they look or how they dress are a waste of effort. I'm sorry the OP feels so ashamed of this part of their life.

At least some places, what we do is No Big Thing. I realize it's not like that everywhere, but still, you'll be dead. Why waste energy now worrying about it? Make a plan, make a will. Act. Then move on.

[5150 Girl]

Leave a not with your "stash"
Or, come out to your most trusted friend, and ask them to intercede if/when necessary.

[Christine Andrews]

5150 Girl's suggestion of leaving a note with your stash strikes me as a very sensible idea, something I will definitely be doing as I am firmly in the closet. :iagree:

[Marcie]

The same thoughts about dying cross my mind many times. My wife does not know I cross dress at every opportunity I get. I have had a very secretive place for my special clothes for several years. My concern has been that someone will stumble on my clothes when I'm dead. I think the answer to that problem is,....I won't give a damn when I'm six feet under ground!!!!

[Mishell]

I would do the will thing with a private note, pending on the age of your kids, to your kids. If not your kids, maybe you could find and make friends with another CD in your area as a male friend that you could also have a private letter to them asking to dispose of only your female items. Just a thought.
I had these thoughts when I was younger and fortunately my SO and I have discussed this.

[heatherdress]

Worrying about our clothing and personal effects after we die is another useless self-torture we put ourselves through. We should focus on how we live our life and live it to the fullest - the best that we can. Who cares what other people think, today, tomorrow, when we are gone?

[kimdl93]

Of course, you have no idea what anyone might think or say about you after you're gone. There may be a lot for them to talk about...whether they find your things or not. So, why worry?

[janetcgtv]

If you are going to worry about what people will think of you when you are gone, then get rid of all your clothes before you die. You could die today or 50 years from now. But would you feel alive in the mean time? I read some where that people may or may not regret what they have done, but the things that they didn't do.

[Rachelakld]

My daughters will take my make up - okay they already have done that, and I ain't even dead yet
They will take my tight black pants and all my mini skirts for themselves - like when I'm not looking
What they don't want will go to my sister and her daughter, and what she doesn't want will go to charity.

My boy clothes will go in the scrap bin, as will my wigs, breast forms etc after everyone has had played dress up with them

[sherri]

Okay, let's say I have pre-arranged for a friend to intercede to get rid of my things before anyone else finds out. How does that work exactly? I drop dead unexpectedly, the family is notified, friend doesn't hear about it til later etc. Then when he/she does find out, he shows up at my house and what? If it's not already too late, he asks my family to close their eyes while he goes rummaging around in my closet and carries stuff out in big black trash bags? Sorry, this is wishful thinking. If you're worried about this but you want to keep your stuff while you're alive, you have three choices:

Continue like you've been doing and hope you have the chance to clean house before it's too late;
Hide your stuff where it won't be found (like under the floor or in a secret compartment), which of course makes frequent access a pain; or,
Store it off-site with instructions to dispose of it if without further notice should you not renew the lease. This also makes access a hassle.

[jeniinnylons]

Nobody knows so having a "friend" take care of it won't work.

[Angie G]

Just my wife knows If something happens to me she could get rid if it. If something would to happen to both of us I'm found out. But I'd be gone so f&^k it.:hugs:
Angie

[Justine Time]

I worry much less about being found out, if I suddenly die, than I do about being critically injured/hospitalized. I mean, if I'm gone, I'm GONE. If I'm hospitalized, and need someone to keep my affairs in order (i.e. feed my animals, take out the garbage, etc.) what they'll think if they come to my house and find makeup, lingerie, heels, etc. BTW, I'm single and live alone.

[janetcgtv]

Justine:
Have a fake girl friend(who lives or visits with you) who is about your size. Find places to hide wigs,pics,reading material,and anything that screams TG. Keep only things that a GG would wear in the open nothing else.Have security on your computer that only lets you on. Like a password when you initial sign on

[CD Husband]

I died last year.

Seriously.

A week after my 38th birthday, I dropped dead from a sudden cardiac arrest at work on a sunny monday morning. I woke up 4 days later in the hospital with no idea where I was, what had happened or why I had 2 IV's in each arm, a large bore IV in my groin, a tube in my penis and a thermometer in my behind. The only thing I could see was my wife's smiling face and her tears.

I could go on and on with this story, what it was like, what I saw, the whole experience. It's a gas. And I am not afraid of talking about it.

Anyway, my point is, not once through all the nonsense I went through did I ever once think to myself "I gotta get rid of that box in the attic in case this happens again". I am who I am and if I should die sudden from some other affliction or accident, I hope no one thinks less of me because of that box that is so carefully tucked away (haha!) in the attic. I hope they remember me as a good friend, husband, father & son.

[daviolin]

Before I came out to my entire family. I had a long note attached to my stash, explaining what this find is all about. Hopefully to ease there minds, that it was just a fun hobby. And that I wasn't gay or some weird-o. Since that I am out to all of them. Do what you see fit with my wardrobe. Yes I did remove the long letter. Daviolin

[Badwolf]

I'm havent worried about it too much, but it is one of the lingering thoughts in the back of my mind as to why I really do want to out myself to people I care about on a regular basis. Building up the courage to do so is sometimes slow in coming, but I rather just do it all the way, and let the people who really know, feel like I trusted them in life, not just in death (via a note). It just seems more personal and more fair to the people that are close to me.

[BillieJoEllen]

I'm hoping to live at least another six or seven years and if I do I will dispose of my things before I do die. If not, welllll.........

[donnalee]

I'm going to be dead; I won't care. I wonder who will attend a memorial, though; most of my contemporaries are long gone and the rest will be soon, so I figure the mourners will be few. But I might be wrong -"Give the public what it wants, and they'll come out for it." - (attributed to many people)