Secrets

[patti1569]

Loooong story short. I remarried after my first marriage ended in divorce largely due to my dressing. I was very open about it back then. I have told my new wife about my dressing but told her I didn't anymore. At the time I wasn't and felt that I never would again. Recently she was away and the feelings came rushing back. I dressed and had so much fun! It felt so good. Even different than in the past. No shame or regret. Just a fun time by myself.

I want to dress again on occasions like this but I don't think I will ever share it with my new wife for fear of destroying the marriage. It is so perfect.

I once had a therapist tell me that it was ok to have certain secrets from our loves ones. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm looking for input from those who do keep the secret and how they deal with that.

Thanks for reading!!

Making an edit here because it think the point of this post has been lost. It wasn't to debate if keeping secrets was right or wrong. I think everyone would agree in a perfect world we wouldn't have to. I was more
Interested in those who do keep it a secret, as crossdressers I'm certain many of us do. I have from family ,friends and loved ones most of my life. I'm more interested in hearing how people cope with it. It's not an easy thing to do. But sometimes it is done out of necessity to maintain two parts of a life that otherwise wouldn't work together. Thanks for all of your comments so far. They do mean a lot to me.

[Raychel]

If the marriage is perfect and she knows that you have dressed in the past.
Then in my opinion, I would have a discussion with her.

personal experience, secrets are never good,
I have kept secrets from my wife in the past, and it almost always ended bad.
now I am totally open with her, sure there are things she does not like.
but in the end our relationship has grown for the better.

just my thoughts and opinion, I am not a therapist, marriage counselor, doctor, and
I don't sleep at Holiday Inn Express. :heehee:

[SherriePall]

Let me start by saying that I kept my dressing a secret from my wife for nearly 25 years. Had facial hair for a lot of that time, so it was completely closeted and very little make-up UNTIL I told her. She was not happy. Would still rather I didn't. Hasn't seen me, but accommodates my dressing in small ways.
With that said, and knowing that you have been out and about and looking gorgeous doing so, I don't think you can keep it a secret for as long as I did.
That said, how did she react when you told her that you had dressed in the past? That would aid in the decision to tell or not.
Other than that I have no advice. I know others who faced the same situation will chime in.

[Jenniferathome]

Cross dressing is not one of the "ok" secrets. It's a big deal. If your marriage is "perfect" then it can survive this revelation. If you can be introspective about your divorce, try to think about how much of your problems were about the wearing of female clothing as opposed to your attitude about it and her comfort being trod upon.

Good luck

[Amanda1128]

That is very difficult. I keep mine secret. I can also understand why would want to. I also agree that it is not a bad thing to share. There is no cookie cutter answer. Every relatonship is different. You have to answer what would make you happier.

[patti1569]

Unfortunately, I told my wife (before we were married) because my ex was blackmailing me and threatening to out me publicly. I told my wife to take that power away from my ex. Her response was "that's weird, but ok. You don't do it anymore". We have never talked about it again.

[Jenniferathome]

... Her response was "that's weird, but ok. ...

An almost ideal scenario response. Here's the problem: you will slip up. She will find out. Then what do you do? Coming clean AFTER the fact is always worse.

[Cheryl T]

From personal experience...secrets have a way of coming back and biting you in the butt.

I hid it from my wife out of fear (having told a previous girl friend/fiancée and losing her because of it). Long story short, she discovered my secret and it caused a lot of heart ache. I'm one of the lucky ones and she eventually became fully accepting. It was the love we share that overcame all else.

[susannma]

Hi, Patti
I am single at the moment, but think it is only you who can tell if its right or wrong to tell your loved one. I think that holding a secret is ok.

But on the other side, I try to tell my girlfriends that I dress, early in relationship, to awoid situations that will stress me up, like what will happen if she find my clothes. To me not telling in the past, led to more lies, lies to be alone so I could dress.

You said that you told her that you did dress in the past, so I guess you have some idea about how youre loved one will react to it.

But my advice will be, try to awoid telling to many lies to your wife, if she at some point finds out, its often the lies that hurt them most.

Susann

[NicoleScott]

Of course those who told and had a good outcome would think that it always works that way. But it doesn't. Telling does lead to the end of some marriages, and the "tell her" advocates won't be there for you when that happens. Rather, they'll say it must have been something else (other than CDing) that was wrong.

Many CDers here have said their marriage was strengthened when they told their wives. Maybe so, and I'll take their word for it. But there's a bit of hipocracy to suggest that CDing can't threaten a marriage, and that there must have been other reasons for its failure. It seems that there is no way to predict the reaction. Some people are accepting, and some aren't.

Wearing "different" clothes occasionally, in private, for personal satisfaction doesn't have to be a deal-breaker for a good marriage, and we all must individually weigh the risks and the rewards for telling or not telling.

My first wife couldn't be married to a CDer, and my wife now of over 20 years has no problem with it. Go figure.

[MissTee]

Unfortunately, there is no "step" program to get over CDing or to cure it. At least not that I know of. All of us here have likely experienced the on again, off again, on again calling you described. Also, by most accounts, one is not a "real" CD-er unless they've purged at least once in their life. I say this as it sounds like your girl is back on and perhaps you've found yourself frolicking in the fog. The pink fog.

I'm not a fan of keeping secrets, and I don't know that I really get it as I have a supporting spouse. You may have one as well. Deceiving and getting found will strain any relationship for certain. Only you have the knowledge to discern what your relationship will withstand. Good luck.

[patti1569]

Thanks Nicole! I think we have a similar perspective on this issue. What I'm really wondering is if I do maintain a secret, will I be ok with that. Fundamentally, I don't like it. The truth is, my marriage is more
Important to me.

Thanks! I'm all to familiar with the fog and purging!! Haha! I would agree that the pink fog snuck up on me!! Truth be told, I enjoy it ;). I don't fool myself anymore about being "cured". I'll always be a CDer. Its just a matter of whether I choose to dress or not.

[JocelynRenee]

I am firmly in the "tell" camp. I say this as someone who has experienced the ugliness that can follow revealing I am a cross dresser. I say this with full knowledge that cross dressing leads to divorce in many, perhaps even the majority, of cases. If that's the result I would not assume there had to be other causes, I would assume that you married the wrong person. You are a cross dresser; she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.

I find the notion that it is OK to keep secrets from our spouses to be very troubling. OK for who? Obviously it's great for us; probably not so great for our spouse, though. When we keep this a lifelong secret we rob our spouses of the opportunity to make fully informed decisions about their own lives.

Please don't mistake that statement for lack of empathy. I absolutely 100% understand the desire to keep this secret from the world. I've been there, done that, and have the scars that come from being discovered. I suppose one could even justify keeping the secret if their cross dressing activities are strictly limited to times when their spouse is absent AND that the activities have 0% impact on the spouse.

Is that possible, though? Do we impact our spouses by borrowing their clothes? What about spending family resources on our own stuff? Fantasizing about experiencing sex from a woman's perspective? Getting grumpy because our spouse won't leave the house long enough for us to dress?

We want the same things others want: a loving relationship, a stable income, friends, etc. None of us intend for our desires to impact others, but what happens when they do? You shared that a previous relationship ended, at least in part, due to cross dressing. You assumed (and we all identify with this) that you could control this desire. Now you've discovered, like most of us do, that you can't. The problem is that you told your current wife this was no longer an issue. I'm making an assumption here, but based on what you shared cross dressing appears to be more than a rare indulgence for you. What will the consequences be if your spouse discovers your secret? How likely is it that you will be able to maintain the secret?

Every single member of this forum knows the pain of keeping this secret. Each of us has to wrestle with the question of whether to stay or leave the closet. I'm so very grateful that we can gather together to support one another. But, please, let's not make the mistake of promoting keeping secrets as the recipe for a perfect marriage. We may very well have a perfect marriage, but until our spouse knows what we know all we really have is the illusion of perfection. Maybe that illusion is enough for you, and that's fine, for you. But, our partners absolutely have the right to make that decision for themselves.

And yes, if your marriage ends those urging you to come clean won't be there for you - at least not in the way an actual real life friend can be. We will tell you, however, that it is possible to survive and even thrive. We will tell you that it is possible to have a great relationship based on mutual compromise and respect. And we will tell you we understand and will continue to offer an ear or a shoulder to cry on no matter which way you decide.

[patti1569]

So just to be clear. I did tell my wife about my dressing, albeit in the past. There was no lying. I know I'm splitting hairs, but I think there is a difference between keeping a secret and telling lies. What I'm interested in are the opinions of those who do maintain any type of secret about their dressing from their spouse and how they deal with that. If I continue to dress, I truly feel like my wife would rather not know. She has never brought it up since our first conversation.

[Requal Jo]

Patti, in any perfect relationship, honesty is the best practice. Your wife knows that you dressed in the past. When you told her did you seek her personal views on the subject? If not ask her what they are. Approach it from a discussion point of view by asking "What are your views and feelings about cross dressing"?

The longer you wait the hard it will be and the more damage that could be done.

[Sandra]

I want to dress again on occasions like this but I don't think I will ever share it with my new wife for fear of destroying the marriage. It is so perfect.



I bet it won't be so perfect if she finds out. IMHO I suggest that you have a chat with her again about how you feel, better coming from you than her just finding out that you've been dressing behind her back.

EDIT

Keeping secrets will only bring heartache for both parties.

[Anna H]

Well, mine knew from the start (25 years now)...so my opinion won't be
worth much. But, our 25 years has been that long because we don't lie
-or- keep secrets from each other.

I'd say if you plan to be together for a long time, sooner or later there
may be a situation where you have to outright *lie*. Then it's
never right from then on....but that does assume someone is
honestly bothered by telling little white lies. It's not just a secret
then...lies can get complicated quick.

Dressing up a few times and *being* a CDer are two different things.
Does she know that you are one. Again...assuming you are. lol

Anyway...I couldn't tell you what you should do, you're the only one
who knows how she may react, but I can say that once the secret
becomes a lie...it's not a good thing.

I Do wish you the best of luck! ♥

:)

[Kris Avery]

I thoroughly recommend no secrets in a marriage.
My wife and wonderful SO would tend to agree.

VERY happy together - even if having no secrets is sometimes hard.:D

[patti1569]

When you told her did you seek her personal views on the ?

I didn't. The conversation happened so fast and then was immediately dropped. She handled it very well, but again, at the time I had said that it was behind me. I just know based on her upbringing and casual remarks that she isn't very open to it as "normal". I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy, but I'm just terrified that it will end badly likely my last relationship.


When you told her did you seek her personal views on the subject? If not ask her what they are. Approach it from a discussion point of view by asking "What are your views and feelings about cross dressing"?

I didn't. The conversation happened so fast. I just just feel that from her upbringing and casual comments that she isn't open to it. I know that she loves me and wants me to be happy, but im just terrified that she would not be ok with it.

[Jean 103]

I been there and been caught. No matter now careful you are odds are you will slip up or something beyond your control will happen. The way I see it you have three choices , first purge and stop dressing, Second hide everything and keep the secret, or three talk. to her about it. I went with one and then the second choice. For me number three would not work. We have now been separated about two weeks. , this is after 26year's together . Which ever choice you make. I know it will not be easy. ♡ jean

[patti1569]

Thx Jean for that very honest post. That's more of what I was seeking. It's never really easy.

[Dani0948]

Patti
My situation is similar to yours. My first wife was accepting, but our marriage ended for reasons not related to cd. My ex's threat to tell my current wife caused me to tell her I dressed. Like you I told her I would not be dressing again. Of course I was wrong because after 22 years of not dressing, I started again. During those 22 years I fantasized about dressing, but didn't actually dress. I am pretty sure she does not know or even suspect. Before joining the forum, I never considered telling. I am still conflicted and want to tell, but don't know if I will. I'm not sure if this helps, but I understand and sympathize with your situation.

[patti1569]

Wow Dani. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one! Thanx for sharing. Pls message me if you want. I think our situations are very similar.

[LelaK]

Hi Patti. You're worried that keeping the secret may cause inner difficulty for you and that sharing the secret may be unbearable for your wife?

(PS, if you reply, I'll probably see it tomorrow sometime.)

[noeleena]

Hi,

Keeping secrets is really not having confidence in your self in other words why should you have any in the first place you enter in to a friendship or parnershipe = marrage then your not total open are you, i know others will say its allright yeap and look where it gets them ,

If i enter in to a relatonship i wont / need to know every thing because i will find out if theres something being hidden .

Trust me i,v been through this okay Jos keeped something from me it was for a few weeks , i knew she had , Now there was no signs nothing was any different nothing said , nothing like every thing was normal for us , one evening as i walked out to our gate i stood there for a bit

and i just knew im very perceptive and i thought oh dear Jos what have you done i knew what she had done so later a few days later Jos came to me and said i,v got something to tell you, so i said you dont need to i know , its okay i know why and with whom , its okay

Jos said ill pack my bags and leave, i said no way your not to leave here ill still love you and look after you, you dont have to go , i did, Of cause she has remarried tov a lovely man , its all great okay ,

yes i may be a dumb female may be weird, i am = any way , what im saying is please dont try and hide any thing be open be up front just dont do it, please,

I,d rather be told and take the hurt first off the bat than give my all and be hit later on and be crushed .
............. you know i just dont understand men........... its like you dont dam well care a toss for us ...why . oh why do you keep on doing the same thing over and over ,you treat us like we mean nothing to you . .....

I....HATE.....IT .....................yes it really does get to me .........................if you were in front of me youd see it youd understand what its like ..... i know and yes it hurts like hell.


...noeleena...

[Stephanie47]

I cannot say that I kept a secret from my wife. When we married we did not have a stitch of personal belongings because we were both in the military. I never had any female garments. My cross dressing had been limited as a teenager to using my mother's garments. When I married cross dressing was so far removed from me I thought it would never return. It returned with lingerie for "bedroom play." My wife participated. It was never a solo activity. However, I did start exploring my interest with slips and panties. Buying a Vanity Fair red bra flipped my wife from participating to DADT. So, is it a secret when she has knowledge of my cross dressing, but, sticks her head in the ground. I do not intentionally leave any vestige of my dressing out for her to see. She has no idea of the amount of clothing I have amassed. She has knowledge, but, no interest, so I do not consider it a secret. She knows I collect stamps and coins, but, has absolutely no interest in those hobbies either.

My suggestion is to tell her your "urges" are returning. And, you would like to explore those urges. See what she thinks. If she says she is OK with cross dressing, I would not pull out your finery and show her. I would acquire new items. It may be deceitful, but, I feel it is better than doing a reveal, and, then tell her you've been doing it behind her back. If she says she will not tolerate any interests in cross dressing.... well, the entire issue may blow up in your face.

Before I married my wife of forty plus years, she told me her past. She did not keep it a "secret," although I would never had asked her to reveal any of it. I really thought about her revelations, and, I still took the plunge. It has been tough sometimes... many times because of her past. The issues that have arisen over the years because of her past greatly outweighs anything my cross dressing has brought about.

[patti1569]

Hi Patti. You're worried that keeping the secret may cause inner difficulty for you and that sharing the secret may be unbearable for your wife?

(PS, if you reply, I'll probably see it tomorrow sometime.)

Lela, that's it. In my last relationship being open caused so much damage. I'd hate for that to happen again.

[NicoleScott]

Re-read the responses and you will see several people saying "you must tell" but none who say you shouldn't. Instead, you hear the experiences of others in a similar position, understanding that the details of your circumstances are unique and YOU are in the best position to decide if you should tell or not.



My suggestion is to tell her your "urges" are returning. And, you would like to explore those urges. See what she thinks. If she says she is OK with cross dressing, I would not pull out your finery and show her. I would acquire new items. It may be deceitful, but, I feel it is better than doing a reveal, and, then tell her you've been doing it behind her back. If she says she will not tolerate any interests in cross dressing.... well, the entire issue may blow up in your face.


I like the spirit of this, adjusted to fit your situation. It's similar to how I told my wife, that is, easing into it rather than going all in all at once (like greeting her at the door fully transformed). My wife and I were in bed; she was reading a magazine article and I was watching TV. The article mentioned a crossdresser and she told me about it. My response was rather dismissive: "harmless fun". That started a conversation and some questions: "did you ever do it?" (yes) "did you like it?" (yes) would you want to do it again?" (yes) "THEN DO IT!" The next day I began to re-build my wardrobe and supplies. I was one who married believing that my desire for my bride would replace my desire to crossdress (so I purged). I was wrong, but it wasn't intentional deceit. Like many others, I found myself with an unintended potential problem: my wife doesn't know I am a crossdresser and I don't know whether to tell her or not. So I eased into it, trying to read her acceptance (or not) based on the conversation, and ready to shut it down if it didn't go well. If that had happened, I probably would have kept it secret.
It seems that the "must tell her" advocates usually leave out the possibility that your marriage could end, but even those who include it consider a broken marriage collateral damage to the greater good: truth.

[devida]

I think it is OK to keep a secret, if you want, from your SO, as long as the keeping of that secret does not harm him or her. Everyone should have the right to privacy. If partners have separate mobile phones I do not think either has the right to pry. What I do not think is OK is lying. I do not tell my SO every sexual fantasy I have. She would find that boring and really TMI. But I do make it a policy that if she asks me a question I answer it truthfully. She is completely aware that I am transgender and highly supportive so it isn't the OP's situation. I would suggest to the OP that if the SO asks, tell the truth! Marriages can survive and even thrive one partner being transgender. Very few marriages survive lies. Also, bear in mind that if cross dressing is a large part of your life, if you have a combined income and are spending surreptitiously on women's clothes, if you are telling your SO you're just stepping out for a movie and instead step out en femme, you are establishing a pattern of lying that will disrupt your marriage sooner or later. Be careful. If you start lying it becomes easier and easier and, eventually, more and more catastrophic when your SO finds out. Bear in mind she's probably going to find out, sooner or later.

If you think your SO will dislike your cross dressing maybe you can arrange the type of understanding that Dan Savage suggests to wives who don't like their husbands viewing pornography. You pretend you don't do it and when she runs across evidence that you do she pretends she hasn't seen it. You are careful that she doesn't find evidence of it but you and she understand that everyone makes mistakes. This is the polite way than many couples negotiate behavior that they do not like in their partners, from watching pornography to having lovers. It does require maturity and self-control from both partners but it is a quite common way of dealing with problem areas in a relationship.

I don't think any of this is easy but the destruction of trust in a relationship is very often a relationship extinction event so trust needs to be treasured.

[Kate Simmons]

Many women liken time spent dressing as if you are having an affair with another woman. They feel the time spent dressing is stealing time that you should be spending with them so it is in effect cheating. This is the way my wife felt before she left me. I was totally up front with my current GF and there are no problems. As long as it doesn't threaten our relationship she's okay with it. Neither one of us sweat the "small stuff" anyway.:)

[LelaK]

Patti, do you feel like we've shared some experiences that help you feel reassured about your preference to avoid giving your wife news that she may not like to hear? Or do you have some concerns that she may find out about your dressing, despite your efforts to keep her from finding out?

I've never married, so I can't share anything about that. I never saw a need to tell my family or anyone that I CD, although I have told a few people in recent years. I've only had a few items of feminine clothing until about 3 years ago, when I started collecting several skirts and dresses. I've been looking for a woman companion for 2 years too, so I expect that I'll tell, if I find a good prospect.

In your situation, though, I'm sure I'd feel like you do, in somewhat of a quandary. I'm sure I'd pray a lot about it, but it seems that you have plenty of time to ponder before making an irrevocable decision. I pray with gratitude. I'd say to the "higher power" something like "Thank you for not wrecking my marriage. Thank you for giving me clues for how best to handle my dilemma."

[Tiffany Jane]

I can't imagine many relationships that started with this topic. Relationships start with small topics of commonality that build sense of trust and character. My wife didn't know for many years despite our "open" relationship. I knew I had surpassed the time limit of secret to mistrust.
Eventually, my own guiilt. Brought me to disclose this info. Awkward, yes. Did it shake our foundation? Just a little. Over the weeks following, my wife would ask questions as they came to her and we would discuss my activities, reasons, and her involvement in the process. There are certain clothes she likes and some she doesn't.
I know the initial outing was better for me. No more running to the laundry to get my clothes out if she was coming home early. Trying to remember to hide clothes that were out if she was out of town. But it left her with many questions about me, herself, and most importantly, us.
You will know your wife better than I, so feel it out. Anything worth having is worth working for. Is this a topic that could ruin your relationship or over time make it stronger?
I just ask my wife for a little shetime now and then.

[patti1569]

I was one who married believing that my desire for my bride would replace my desire to crossdress (so I purged). I was wrong, but it wasn't intentional deceit.

Me too, twice now. The second time I had really believed it would, and it did for almost two years.

[lydialeighTNCD]

I always think I need to tell them in the early stages of the relationship. If it's going to scare them away, I'd rather it be before it got started rather than being six months in with tons of attachment. and holding in the secret is no fun. for reasons that others mentioned, like having your clothes or makeup discovered accidentally. I'm only just now exploring CDing (which I've THOUGHT about for years and years) and so that will be a new bridge to cross when/if I get there. but for about 15 years now I've painted my toenails(and largely kept it a secret) and even something like that, I feel the need to get out right up front, usually.

[Simone_40]

I bet it won't be so perfect if she finds out.....Keeping secrets will only bring heartache for both parties.
From http://www.womansdivorce.com/marriage-annulment.html:
"The marriage was entered into fraudulently".
Depending on your State, she could easily have it annulled when she finds out, because if you do not tell her, then you entered into the marriage fraudulently.


I think it is OK to keep a secret, if you want, from your SO, as long as the keeping of that secret does not harm him or her....Very few marriages survive lies....Also, bear in mind that if cross dressing is a large part of your life, if you have a combined income and are spending surreptitiously on women's clothes, if you are telling your SO you're just stepping out for a movie and instead step out en femme, you are establishing a pattern of lying that will disrupt your marriage sooner or later. Be careful. If you start lying it becomes easier and easier and, eventually, more and more catastrophic when your SO finds out....Bear in mind she's probably going to find out, sooner or later.....It does require maturity and self-control from both partners but it is a quite common way of dealing with problem areas in a relationship.

Well said, my friend.

[suchacutie]

Have you considered bringing the issue from the past forward again, and asking if it were possible to revisit that part of you, and if the response is as good as neutral, asking for her help in your endeavors en femme. I'm sure she'd have a ton of questions, but if she doesn't run screaming from the room, it's positive.

After all, she knows you did it before, so it can't be far from her mind that you might again. I'm surprised she didn't get closure on this topic before she went through with the marriage, since she knew the issue was in your life.

I agree with everyone that there is no simple answer, nor one that is not unique to you.

Best wishes!

[Mollyanne]

As for me, my wife and I have had many discussions about my "dressing". She has asked me on occasion, if I wanted to become a woman and I did answer her "No", that was a lie, I DO WANT TO BECOME A WOMAN!!!!!! But that will NEVER happen as I am to old and other pressures abound. I kept my dressing to a minimum but now I just about openly dress in a bra, pantyhose and panties. There is no mistaking what I am wearing (how could ya). So, the answer is yes to the secret "lie" because this would hurt her which I will not do. My wife does NOT like me dressing, period!!!!! But puts up with it and I seem to take full advantage of this (not the right thing to do) and I openly shop for heels, skirts, tops and dresses. The thing for me is that if I did in fact alter my gender (oh how I wish) my life would take a very drastic turn) but I can dream, can't I???????

Molly

[patti1569]

From http://www.womansdivorce.com/marriage-annulment.html:
"The marriage was entered into fraudulently".
Depending on your State, she could easily have it annulled when she finds out, because if you do not tell her, then you entered into the marriage fraudulently.


Well said, my friend.

No, I did tell her before we married. I think some people are missing that point. I told her that I was a crossdresser since childhood and that it just didn't have a place in my life at that time. And at that time it didn't. But obviously that has changed.


Thanks Molly! I know it's
Difficult to keep that desire a secret.

[Cheryl T]

Lela, that's it. In my last relationship being open caused so much damage. I'd hate for that to happen again.

Then consider which would be worse.
Being open and allowing her to at least have the opportunity to express her feelings in open discussion?
Her finding out in some other way and being deeply hurt because you did not share this secret with her??

The latter was what happened in my case and she just could not understand why I didn't TRUST her enough to share this with her. Even when I told her about my previous event she still felt she should have been given the choice because, as she put it, "I'm ME and not HER!".

Consider all the possibilities before you make the choice For Her.

[MsVal]

A few months ago there was a very active (now closed) discussion on the topic "Why do people choose to keep their crossdressing a secret". It may be helpful to look through that thread.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?209380-Why-do-people-choose-to-keep-their-crossdressing-a-secret&highlight=

[MatildaJ.]

I eased into it, trying to read her acceptance (or not) based on the conversation, and ready to shut it down if it didn't go well. If that had happened, I probably would have kept it secret.


I think there is a difference between keeping a secret and telling lies...If I continue to dress, I truly feel like my wife would rather not know.

As a wife, I think your instincts are right, Patti -- your wife would probably prefer not to have to think about this. So she would probably prefer you keep it secret if it is just a small part of your life (maybe something you do when traveling, or slipping on a dress when alone at home for a few hours). But if you find that your needs are growing, and you have to start telling elaborate lies to get the time and privacy you need to dress, then that is a red flag that says it's time to tell her.


I think that holding a secret is ok....But...not telling in the past, led to more lies, lies to be alone so I could dress. ...Try to avoid telling too many lies to your wife, if she at some point finds out, its often the lies that hurt them most.



I think it is OK to keep a secret, if you want, from your SO, as long as the keeping of that secret does not harm him or her. Everyone should have the right to privacy

BUT:

if cross dressing is a large part of your life, if you have a combined income and are spending surreptitiously on women's clothes, if you are telling your SO you're just stepping out for a movie and instead step out en femme, you are establishing a pattern of lying that will disrupt your marriage sooner or later...If you think your SO will dislike your cross dressing maybe you can arrange the type of understanding that Dan Savage suggests to wives who don't like their husbands viewing pornography. You pretend you don't do it and when she runs across evidence that you do she pretends she hasn't seen it...This is the polite way than many couples negotiate behavior that they do not like in their partners, from watching pornography to having lovers. It does require maturity and self-control from both partners but it is a quite common way of dealing with problem areas in a relationship.

I agree with Devida that it may be possible to move to a new phase of DADT, where she knows a little about it, but doesn't have to engage with it beyond her comfort level. You pretend not to do it, and she pretends to believe you. That can take you a little further than a complete secret.

But there may come a time when that is also not enough, because you want all or most of your free time to be spent en femme. At that point, you either destroy the marriage by spending no time with her, or you take the risk of opening up about your new needs, and hope that she can join you in your journey.

[patti1569]

Ugh, I'm so conflicted. Not sure what to do anymore. I really don't want to keep secrets but don't want to loose the relationship either. I'm tortured. In the end, I think I must tell her.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Unfortunately, I told my wife (before we were married) because my ex was blackmailing me and threatening to out me publicly. I told my wife to take that power away from my ex. Her response was "that's weird, but ok. You don't do it anymore". We have never talked about it again.

I must confess and say if I were in this situation I would have done the exact same thing. Yes I did the politically correct thing, took the chance and told my wife before marriage. It's been a perfect fairy tale marriage or support and acceptance ever since, so I course I could preach the don't hide any secrets philosophy, but if I was in a situation where things might not have been so clear I would have held the secret, or at least delayed coming out as long as humanly possible. In many way's I am going through the "secrets" conundrum now, and yes I should reveal any and all, but me and me alone is the one who deals with the outcome whether good or bad from revealing that I'm not all just a normal CD (something I'm still having personal issues with accepting and am still trying to convince myself is not true), and losing the one the woman who is most important in my life. There's also a little saying which has been the bane of my existence and in many way's has caused a lot of tragedy in my life and that is "being honest to a fault.":2c:

[Kitty215]

JocelynRenee what a wonderful response.
Patti it is such a difficult decision, everyone is sharing their experience and the outcomes vary so greatly. When my wife found out it almost ended our marriage. Looking back I don't think it was ever the same after that. Ultimately the relationship didn't make it, not sure how much CDing and the keeping it hidden played into it. It is the feeling of betrayal that I think hurt the most. I wish you the best and hope things work out. Wish I could give you a better answer.

[Katey888]

Plenty of good advice here already about how to potentially broach this with her - you have already told her in the past so just revisiting that subject and discussion may not be so catastrophic... to an extent you have the option to back out and reconsider if the reception is not what you want. I think only you can really determine what this means for you; how much you need to extend your feminine side; what motivates you to want to share this with her... as has been said truthfully: we are all unique as are our own personal circumstances - only you are really able to assess what is right for you and whether or not you are prepared for any and all outcomes or consequences, because those are not always what you might want or expect... :hugs:

I have read stories of others here who clearly have suffered so much internal trauma from their GD they have just had to tell to allow their dressing to become known to their SOs... I'm sure there are others than just me who also have no intention to tell and who also successfully keep this under wraps - only time will tell as to whether that will work, but I have no doubt there are others who do this so I would always disregard the absolute opinions you see here... Nobody is able to predict how an SO will respond, and nobody knows your motivations, feelings and your relationship as well as you...

And just a bit of support for those who have never told (like me.. :p) should you also decide not to: I don't know whether or not I will ever tell my wife and that is no reflection on how much I love or respect her, simply my choice in keeping something from her that may never affect her or our relationship. I do accept that being closeted does force some compromises and constraints in what I can and cannot do and I'm happy to live with them... If that changes, I'll have to rethink - but maybe you can't live with them, or don't want to - that choice must be yours and yours alone.

Good luck! And remember the old adage about not being able to un-ring a bell... perhaps you have already rung it once, but declaring you may want to take up bell-ringing as a hobby would be about the same in my book... :)

Katey x

[Wildaboutheels]

THE correct answer is smack in the middle of your OP. >>> "I once had a therapist tell me that it was ok to have certain secrets from our loves ones."

A therapist who get's it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Apparently not all do if the many reports here are accurate.

This matter could be kicked around endlessly.

But 3 inescapable FACTS to consider:

1] Very few people can or will keep a secret. Telling even one person is a roll of the dice.

2] There is simply no way to predict who will "accept" and who won't. Just because someone is open minded is no guarantee of anything. Just because a person does not go into a blind rage when/if told does not mean they "accept".

3] SHARP people realize there are SOME things in life that do not need to be shared with anyone/everyone. Of course some members here who are [or claim to be] compelled/controlled by/powerless against their own CDing will scream it's LYING. I feel sorry for them in NOT being able to see that all CDers are unique. MOST have no need to tell. For most, it's only a Hobby and Hobby IS an accurate description. Reading responses from other members makes all this perfectly clear.

Since it's hump day I will even through in a bonus. LOVE DOES NOT CONQUER ALL. One of many Forum Myths is that it does or should. Just because a woman loves you/me/us does not mean she MUST accept/condone/and or at least tolerate our dressing. And yes, CDing alone can and will/has ruined/destroyed a Marriage. There are far too many reports here that verify this.

Yes, there is a CHANCE she might accept fully and your life will be nothing but peaches and cream hence forward but the chances of that are slim.

Sorry, can't help you with the coping part as my SO is more interested in eating, sleeping and chasing lizards and squirrels than what I wear.

[Marcie]

I am a cross dresser that has been in the closet for many years. My wife does not know of this wonderful little fetish of mine. I have a very good hiding place for all my feminine clothes. I only cross dress when she is away for long periods of time. This has worked for me, however it does require a great deal of control.

[kimdl93]

I know you're not looking for advice or a lecture on coming out. That being said, consider the impact on your marriage if your secret is ever discovered. Weight the risks and make an informed decision.

[AmandaM]

Patti, I think you should tell her. But find a way to do it as if it's not a big deal. Set the tone.

[Simone_40]

No, I did tell her before we married. I think some people are missing that point. I told her that I was a crossdresser since childhood and that it just didn't have a place in my life at that time. And at that time it didn't. But obviously that has changed.

Thanks Molly! I know it's
Difficult to keep that desire a secret.
I apologize, Patti for not comprehending your original question.
But, I can offer some unsolicited advice: Keeping secrets WILL destroy a Marriage. It does not matter how many lovers one has had in the past or stupid things we did we were young, etc.
The PAST is gone, and we cannot re-live the past.

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/past “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God [Adoni Elohim] which is why we call it the present.” ― Bil Keane

I am referring about things that WILL affect your Marriage that you're hiding from your Precious Wife NOW. If you don't tell her now, she will lose ALL TRUST in you.
Please do the RIGHT thing, and this huge weight (it's called GUILT) will be lifted off of you, I Promise.

[Sarah Doepner]

Patti,
What do you see as your future as a crossdresser? If you believe you will be the kind of CD who dresses once in a while when your wife is out of town or you are on a business trip and that will be the extent of it, then this is a secret that can stay in place. But if you are the kind of crossdresser who seems to want to build a nice collection of clothing, wigs, shaping gear and accessories, all that keep the experience fresh, you may want to consider sharing. It appears that many of us here fall into the second group and one of the other characteristics is sometimes getting a little cranky if denied the opportunity. One way or another it seems crossdressing will impact a marriage. It's difficult to tell if that impact will be positive, negative or some kind of mix. I don't know any of us who can see the future, but you are going to have to be the one to examine where you are now and guess where you will be in six months, a year or five years. Based on that you will make the best choice.
I wish you good luck and clear sight into that crystal ball.

[CherylFlint]

You know her better than any of us do, but what you have on your side is a little bit of history.
Tell her the truth that you'd like to dress again and see how it goes.
When I feel the urge I ask my wife to put together an outfit that she'd like to see me in. We have an extra bedroom and that's my closet. She'll go in there and lay-out on the bed what she wants me to wear. I'm happy with that arrangement and so is she. Sometimes we go to the mall together which is always a blast.
Make it fun.
This I will tell you: if you keep it hidden you're not doing yourself, her, or your relationship any good. It'll eat you up in the end. Enjoy life.
Good luck.

[cassandra54]

If the marriage is perfect and she knows that you have dressed in the past.
Then in my opinion, I would have a discussion with her.

personal experience, secrets are never good,
I have kept secrets from my wife in the past, and it almost always ended bad.
now I am totally open with her, sure there are things she does not like.
but in the end our relationship has grown for the better.

just my thoughts and opinion, I am not a therapist, marriage counselor, doctor, and
I don't sleep at Holiday Inn Express. :heehee:


you are so very right. honesty is always best. you see so many people on here have problems because they hide things. personally, i don't really understand how couples can hide things like this and so many other things from each other. but then again, that's just me.

[Erica2Sweet]

I suspect you're not getting a lot of responses that are encouraging because, in essence, you're asking for others to help you cope with lying to your spouse. I don't feel that happy healthy people should be able to properly cope with lying to a loved one.

A therapist encouraging dishonesty via secret-keeping would essentially be enabling... Bad therapist!

Claiming that "in a perfect world we wouldn't have to keep secrets" is blaming the world for our unwillingness to own up to our unhealthy behavior. I can only speak for myself when I say I'm not OK with giving the outside world that much power over me and the decisions I make. I don't feel making up a false reality is any kind of solution.

I know without a doubt that my wife would never give me a pass on blaming the world for anything I do or say... nor should she.

[sometimes_miss]

It's hard to say what's the best path. Her response that it's ok because you don't do it anymore is a clue. But it doesn't address the possibility of what to do if you should do it again, how she'd feel about it. It also depends on why you crossdress. Is it a sexual turn on for you? Or is it something you do because something is making you feel like you're supposed to be a woman? Or both? Are you attracted to men when you're dressed? Or even when you're not? Do you feel you want to be in the female role sexually much of the time? Would you prefer to be the wife in the relationship? See, there are all kinds of things that you need to be clear on before telling her THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO CROSSDRESS AGAIN. Do not tell her that you already have returned to it. Tell her that you feel like you want to, but are afraid of what she'd think. That way you haven't yet crossed the line, but at least she knows that you haven't 'gotten it out of your system'. Oh, and if you have any hope of her coming around, you're going to have to 1. delete your pic here, change your username, and create a whole new identitiy here if you have any hope of her coming here for help, because once she has access here, she'll know everything that you've been up to so far, and that might be nails in your coffin.
My experience so far, with the 'I used to be a crossdresser' ploy? No success at all. Women just don't like it. So you're a step ahead of me. But that's not saying much. Also, I found that one of the things that helped me stop crossdressing during the periods that I was able to, was to keep close to my wife physically, so that I didn't feel the need to crossdress (my crossdressing is a knee jerk reaction to loneliness, when I'm starved of physical touch, affection, the desire to crossdress overwhelms me. Note, it's physical affection, not sex. Touch, hugs, cuddling, etc. Everything BUT sex). Hope this helps.

[ShannonIL]

I think you need to tell her.. I know that's not really what you were asking, but it can't be said enough: you're igniting a fuse by dressing again. It's completely up to you to decide how/when the bomb goes off. It's going to be better for every single party involved if you just tell her. Someone in a previous post mentioned that crossdressing wasn't an "okay" secret to keep.. I agree. We're not talking about you sneaking a cookie from the jar, or leaving work an hour early to go have a beer with co-workers and not telling her. You're more or less saying "I'm not going to tell my wife who I am", and that's never going to work in your favor. She married the person she knows, and if you're planning to change that, you owe it to her to explain why and allow her to process it. Would you like it if she kept a secret like this from you? If you discovered her secret, would you be comfortable living with the knowledge that she's lying to about who she is?

[Badwolf]

Without going too far into what I believe in more general terms, so far I've read that she thinks it's ok because it's in the past, and a few other small hints that it may not go perfectly. This means you may not end up with the ideal (she loves it and encourages it) type relationship. Do not raise your expectations too high. Your already pretty far in the relationship for you two to just be feeling eachother out, there will be some of her assumptions she'll need to re-evaluate to even start on the route to getting there.

Now to bring in my bias, I am fully in the openness is better camp. In light of that I do believe you INCREASE your chances of having a good out come if you don't try to maintain secrets, especially those that are perpetual.

The advice of therapists that secrets are ok is obvious. You have to maintain the secret of a gift etc, but especially secrets that are hurtful can fester, and cause many issues. I have known people that can maintain them, but they are few and far between so be careful of this route. It's generally not healthy for your mental health or the relationship.

On that note I also am one of the people who likes to dream that we can all be with spouses who will accept us for who we are, and enjoy it as much as we do. This is NOWHERE near reality in many cases. It may be more common as time goes on, but we have to deal with the present at all times. Still my increased chances argument fits in here really well. If you want them to enjoy it, the only way to give them the chance is to let them experience it somehow. If they don't seem to be too open, it might as well progress on their terms together, and give you time alone.

The advice that is best, is don't try to shock an SO (especially one you've been with for years and are married to), since she'll have a lot of changes to work through on her end as well. Take it slow, and be ready for a DADT relationship that is one of the easier status-quous to generate. In other words, your already pretty deep into a relationship and so is she, if your about to rock the boat so to speak, don't rock it so hard that her surprise tips you over.