I just found out my brother dresses...

[SusanaO]

To make a long story short, after he used my computer it seems he forgot to delete some shortcut icons to the last documents opened. He did delete the actual files, so if you clicked on a shortcut it would not open - except for one. It was him in heels and lingerie.

He's three years younger than I, but he's already married and with kids (he got a head start). It makes me wonder if his wife knows or not - I thought perhaps the lingerie was his wife's, but those heels are obviously too big for her. And yes, I can tell from the background it's their home. Maybe he hides it well...

Having grown up and shared a lot with him, I think it could be a wonderful adulthood bonding experience as we've kept our distance more or less since our teenage years. I have a wonderful relationship with his familly and might I add, is not traditional (for example, he has taught his children to reason out the truth about Santa Claus, his 6 year old son already has an idea of what homosexuality is, etc.). I would, however, just keep it between him and I. We could have sister moments.

Should I speak up or keep quiet about it? Or should I hint at it? Once, I saw his left eyelashes were curled up. I think he might have forgotten to flatten them back to their normal state (and it's very noticable because for some odd reason, it's men in my family that get he long eyelashes). Somtimes I wonder if suspicion can go both ways.

Has anybody had any similar experiences?

Input is greatly appreciated.

[Sissyboy2]

To me I would almost not say anything. It almost sounds creepy in a way. You could just mention that you do too but what would you expect to get back by telling him.Your brother in any kind of underwear in front of you could get awkward. I fell like you would have more fun with another CD but not your brother. You could talk to him and see where it goes. I just would feel weird dressing in front of my brother. That's just my opinion though. I would talk to him about it but nothing really more I guess.

[clairebostock]

Well I would talk to him in a kind way and not the I KNOW WHAT YOU GET UP TO kind of way.
As me and my sister have had times together as " sisters" and for me they have been good ones. So if you want them kind of days then go chat to him on his own and to tell him that you are their for him.
So take care and hope all goes well.

[Diane Lynn]

I think you should talk to her. Remember, your first friend is a sister. I have tried to open up to my sister, but she shut the door every time.

[Sissyboy2]

If you did want to tell him I would confess to him first so he doesn't feel the negative rush of you knowing. I would say first "I have to tell you something important". Did you guys used to play dress up or something that could have been a small trigger to the crossdressing. Did your mom make you guys wearing anything or do anything just wondering.

[Shelly Preston]

You have to consider what will be gained by telling him you know. Be very careful as he may not be so happy about you knowing.

If you decide to let him know what you have seen you really should say that you dress before you mention the picture.

I would make sure you are not likely to be overheard as you don't know who if anyone knows.

[Marcelle]

Hi Susan,

I really see the only way around this is three potential courses of action:

1. Do nothing and just let things unfold in a natural manner which means he may never tell you as he is not sure how you would react (you mentioned you were estranged since your teenage years)

2. Fess up that you CD . . . let him know you want to share something about yourself and it may be hard for him to understand but you like to dress like a woman at times. Now he may come clean himself or he may not. I would be surprised if he did not unless those photos are just something that he finds too personal or it is a fetish him and his wife engage in which he wants nobody to know. In this case you have your answer . . . drawback to this COA is he now knows about you and you will have to deal with that.

3. Confront him about the picture you found. I don't like this option as it puts him on the offensive and he may have several reasons why he does not want you to know.

It really comes down to comfort level for you. I have told both my sisters about Isha but we are close and they have both accepted fully. I am not sure if you have that type of comfort with your brother. If you do and you trust him I would shoot with COA 2. If you are not 100 percent sure of the outcome I would stick with COA 1 IMHO.

Hugs

Isha

[ClosetED]

I would want my sister, who was willing to be supportive, to let me know. I would start the conversation in a quiet place he felt comfortable. Begin with your feelings that TG is OK and you always wanted a(nother) sister to do things with. Then explain how you found out, so he will not fear everyone could tell. And tell him no one els know and you will not tell anyone unless he asks. Maybe even have a clothes catalog handy to ask his opinions on things, to show him how you would share this, if he is willing.

I don't think my sister knows.
Nice to have someone to share the secret with,
Hugs, Ellen

[kimdl93]

I would keep it to myself unless he someday raises the subject.

[Ressie]

If I found out my brother CDs I would be so relieved because I've always had a fear of him finding out that I do. Our family is too dysfunctional to talk about such things!

[Chari]

Great advice from all previous posts! Please do consider if the situation was reversed - you were caught in heels & lingerie by him - how would you react! Also difficult to say where your brother is on the gender scale and why he was "dressing". IMO, perhaps best to remain quiet for awhile, and just let things happen naturally at his own pace. Enjoy.

[flatlander_48]

I won't say don't do anything, but I would say think long and hard about this. Remember, no one has figured out how to unring a bell if it goes sideways...

[Sometimes Steffi]

Me personally, I would go with option 2. Less threatening.

I have a CD friend whose brother came out to him as TS. I understand that their first conversation about it was very interesting.

[ronny0]

Hi Susan,

2. Fess up that you CD . . . let him know you want to share something about yourself and it may be hard for him to understand but you like to dress like a woman at times. Now he may come clean himself or he may not. I would be surprised if he did not unless those photos are just something that he finds too personal or it is a fetish him and his wife engage in which he wants nobody to know. In this case you have your answer . . . drawback to this COA is he now knows about you and you will have to deal with that.

Isha

IMO this is the best choice, gives him the option to keep his activities quiet if he is not ready to open up.
For you to tell him you know, places stress on him w/o any way out.

Though another thought would be to let him find a photo of you.
And thinking about that, maybe after you have any discussion you might suggest if his family isn't in on his dressing he needs to be more careful on his computer at he left a photo for you to find

[Isabella Ross]

I would be tempted to tell him about yourself, rather than confront him. Then let the cards fall where they may...if he wants to tell you about it, he will. In the past year, I told my brother and his wife about me -- not because I suspected my brother was TG, but because I just felt it was important to tell the people I love. Their reaction was excellent, and I feel like an immense weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In your case, you might get the same relief...and a bonus at the same time if he decides to come out to you.

[bridget thronton]

If you are close and willing to out yourself you might share with your brother. If he is okay with your admission, you might warn him you found his pic on your computer.

[CherylFlint]

I wouldn't say a word about it.

[MsVal]

If knowledge of your crossdressing is something you want to keep private then keep it private; say nothing about the picture or your crossdressing. If, however you want to eventually tell other people about it, then this may be the easiest way to break the ice and get that process started.

[justmetoo]

It seems some people are assuming the OP also is CD. Is it possible the OP is a GG? I am out to my sisters and they have been very supportive and I have even been out shopping and sightseeing with one of them while I was "dressed". The whole coming out and all has brought us closer together. I can only hope that would be the case with the OP and her brother. Good luck!

[Sarah Doepner]

Your brother should know that he isn't doing a very good job of keeping his secret when he uses someone elses computer. This time he lucked out, but some one else might not be quite as accepting and understanding as you are.

[LelaK]

He probably suspects you're a CD and left the pic on your computer so you'd spill the beans to him, then he'll probably tell everyone and then they'll all condemn you to eternal hellfire and disgrace you in every way they can think of.

Or isn't your family conservatively religious? In that case they would probably all just laugh at you and post a video to Youtube where they'll out you to everyone and disgrace you as much as they can there and everywhere.

Do you think you'd probably enjoy being disgraced (like me?) and making degrading fun of yourself?

By the way, what if your brother reads this forum, since he's possibly a CD? Or maybe that's how he found out you dress and why he left the pic on your computer.

[Tiffany Jane]

Your brother should know that he isn't doing a very good job of keeping his secret when he uses someone elses computer. This time he lucked out, but some one else might not be quite as accepting and understanding as you are.


I agree with sarah. There is a certain sibling code when using ones computer. Was he trying to out himself to you, thinking you would look at his activity, or set you up for meddling or not trusting him.

I would let this one go and just feel things out for awhile. Could be the greatest thing to bring you together or could put a wall between you.

It may be that you are hopeful to share this info with your family more than he is. I know not a lot of answers, but I do get tired of wearing jeans and socks in the summer to hide shaved legs and painted nails from my brother and family. I wish you the best in however you approach this situation.

[Seana Summer]

I would suggest that you keep this to yourself. Especially if your relationship with your brother is not a close one. You might want, or need, to be close to your brother someday and if you talk to him and it goes sideways or south you just might loose him forever.

I would assume if he wants you to know he also CD's (I peeked at your profile to see that you are not a GG) the next clue will come along and will be given to you much more directly. Like he will pull you aside and tell you!! Till then, don't betray him, he may just want to see if he can trust you

[Ann Thomas]

I've not read more than your original question, so forgive me if I'm redundant.

Talk to your brother. Being trans runs in my family, but I only discovered it when my dad was dying of colon cancer at 67 years old. I found his stash of clothing. A few years later, I found out my son might also be as well. Not sure yet because it hits later in life after a uber-manly time, and he's in the uber-manly phase right now.

I so wish I had been able to talk to my dad more, and that I had known more about myself. What little I learned from him before he passed away was valuable, You should take advantage of the opportunity to be closer with your brother.

I'm in Anaheim if you want to get together and talk about it. I'm in PFLAG, and in the Speaker's Bureau (just joined), so I'll be speaking around SoCal about my family history when my schedule permits at mostly colleges and universities. The next PFLAG meeting is in Orange at 7:30pm next Wednesday, September 3rd. Write me for details or look at the web site for PFLAG.

Ann

[charlenesomeone]

Susan, you know your brother better than we do. If you want to stay
quiet, then do so. If it happens again it may be his way to try to start a
conversation.
If you think he is and don't mind being "out" then talk. As others have said,
can't put the genie back in the bottle once out.

[Lvjim]

Might want to just let him know just so if he uses other peoples computers to make double sure to clean it up as others might not keep quiet like you.

[NicoleScott]

Maybe he's not a CDer but has suspicions that you are, and he's baiting you to come out to him. I'd stay mum.

[Deedee Skyblue]

Maybe you could find a way to let him find a picture of you... that's what I would consider.

Deedee

[JocelynRenee]

Disclaimer: I hold the rather extreme view that I don't want anyone in my life that would stop caring for me if they discovered I am TG. Thus I always come down on the side of telling. I certainly recognize that attitude is not everyone's cup of tea.

With that background in mind, I would tell him I was TG and let him know I saw the picture. I wouldn't even hesitate. Knowing how lonely and scary the closet can be, how could I not take the opportunity to let a fellow traveller know they are not alone, especially my brother?

I am curious about two things, though: 1) Why have you drifted apart in your adult years?; 2) How long was your brother using your computer? I'm curious as to why he would have visited the sites/files he did on someone else's machine. The answers to these questions would give more insight to make am informed decision. Eh, who am I kidding? I'd tell him no matter what. LOL

[NicoleScott]

You need an opening, a conversation starter: "Can I borrow your radio - your trans-sister radio?"

[Amy Fakley]

... "your trans-sister radio?"

<golf clap>

:clap:

well done! :-)

[Annaliese]

Susana, I would confide in him about your dressing and see when it goes form there, show him some picture of your self.

[Jennifer Devine]

At least you are wanting to take an interest ☺
My sister wanted nothing to do with it as she is a bit conservative and thinks you should care about what others think.

[Alice Torn]

I agree with Isha's COA 1 and 2, and Kim. I have some small reason to believe my older twin brothers have cd'd, but i would not ever want to let them know i do. My dad i also suspect, as he complained, when my decesed mom's clothes were taken away. DADT is best sometimes. I would not force the issue, but, maybe mention about other CD's in a positive way.

[CONSUELO]

I would just proceed cautiously and await an opportunity to let it come out naturally. He might sense that you are relaxed about cross dressing just from your reactions to events and news items and perhaps something he does or says. Be gentle, if he pushes on the "door" let it open naturally. He may have noticed something about you and even now is wondering whether to raise the topic.

[SamanthaSometimes]

after he used my computer it seems he forgot to delete some shortcut icons to the last documents opened. He did delete the actual files, so if you clicked on a shortcut it would not open - except for one. It was him in heels and lingerie.

I am an only child with no brothers or sisters so I'm not qualified to give sibling relationship advice. But here is another angle: perhaps you should have a conversation with your brother to protect him. You assumed he forgot to delete the shortcuts. Instead, maybe he doesn't realize that "Open Recents" type of functions will bring up recently created/opened files. If so, then his ignorance could create problems for him with his wife or children at home on his computer. Consider bringing up your discovery while using your computer from the perspective of trying to help him out and letting him know you are not judgmental toward him being dressed as a woman. However, and this is where I'm unqualified to give advice, think about if you want tell him your CD testimony before having the 'protection' conversation.

Nicole, you are so funny :D

[Lori Kurtz]

Since crossdressing so often involves a lot of internal conflict and pain and shame, and since all of that is compounded by the perceived need to keep it secret, I'd be in favor of moving toward finding a way to be open with your brother/sister. There could be some great healing ahead for both of you. Depends on what you feel comfortable with in taking your relationship with him/her to a new level. I like the idea of disclosing your own secret first, and then seeing what happens. There's some risk there, for sure, but a possibility that you could be supportive of each other in unimagined ways.

[Jilmac]

If I was in your high heels and it was my brother I would drop some very subtle hints about swapping clothes and role reversal. If you're really interested in his dressing and have a desire to do things as girls, it may be an opportunity for both of you.

[SusanaO]

Sorry for the late reply, I was away from my computer for a few days. And thank you ladies, for taking the time to respond. I have read and appreciate every single reply.

I have given it lots of thought these last couple of days, and I have decided to do nothing about it at the moment. To answer some of your questions: We drifted apart when I went away to college at 18, he was 15. After, we had a couple of fights and didn't speak for a year. Now I'm 28 and he's turning 25, and now we get along great even though we're not close simply because of our busy schedules. However, him having children now brought us closer, as I'm always looking out for them and I'll babysit every two weeks or so, and he certainly appreciates that. So, yes we get along great, but we're not as close as I'd like to be.

There has been lots of replies of dropping sublte hints. I think I will take that route, but in the future. He's currently engaged to be married and planning to open his own business, so I think after he's a bit more settled I'll drop him some major hints and what happens, happens.

Here's a CAUTION: If you use someone else's Linux computer (or any type of machine you're not used to), be sure to know how to manilpulate files! That was the case here, a little different than Windows or Mac.

[DonnaT]

A lot of conflicted opinions.

I'd suggest talking to him. Start out by telling him he needs to be more careful when using someone else's computer. I'm sure the warning would be appreciated. If someone else had come across his link(s), it could have a whole other story.

[brina_cd]

Well, I found out about my brother because I happened on to his Yahoo adult profile some years ago. My comment was that he lived in a state without gender expression employment protection and needed to reassess whether he wanted a trivially easy way to get accidentally outed and possibly fired.

I never came clean about my preferred underwear styles. He has an at-least-somewhat-supportive wife, but I don't.

[Beverley Sims]

Susana,
I would speak to him just pointing out that he should not be careless when using other computers.
By all means tell him you know and maybe you will both have something to share.
it could be a great bonding experience.