She doesn't know.....YET.

[Wildaboutheels]

You have not told "her".

Yet.

But you are/ARE YOU itching to tell her???

But is it more because it is something you want or need to "share" with her?

Or because you worry what might happen if she discovers your secret?

Do you differentiate the difference?

[Tina_gm]

I have been vocal about my thoughts concerning secrets. I feel it is not the best course of action. I also feel that we should not push those who are not ready to divulge themselves. We should be supportive and helpful for those who do and those who are seeking to do. so. An individual also needs to be ready to do so. Doing so before they are ready could also lead to problems.

[Marcelle]

Hi GM . . . could not have put it any better myself. This is a very personal decision and each of us has to make that decision without the CD Borg Collective Hive Mind saying "You must tell" . . . advise, recommend, support . . . yes . . . shame, guilt, cajole or force . . . absolutely not.

Hugs

Isha

[Emi_]

What good is a relationship that is not 100% open and honest? Who would put up with that kind of deception if the tables were turned? Lies of omission are still lies and they still cause far more damage than coming clean and facing the consequences.

[GreyEyes]

We might as well be on opposite sides of the moon here. My wife has known about me since the fourth or fifth month that I dated her. I can't imagine my own relationship with that kind of secrecy. When I have had secrets, they would tear me apart, and my wife is pretty good at sensing when something like that is bothering me.

I think that to be secure enough to tell your wife about a secret that old, you should plan for any circumstance, from splitting up to going out together en femme. From what I've seen on this forum, it might well be DADT or a shifting amount of tolerance. I think I'd want to make her feel as secure with you as possible first.

[candykowal]

Now Ladies, I am here to tell you, she hides secrets from you!
I suppose there is a lot of open relationships and if your in one, your very lucky.
But life isn't a bed of roses girl friends!
Those who probably won't comment on this thread are experiencing a relationship, like mine.
I have found out a few things about my wife, and confronted her a while ago.
That is just the way it is with some relationships...our relationship isn't the best.
I suppose married couples hide secrets from each other because we don't want to hurt the ones we love.
It would be nice, to be able to trust my wife with my secret, but I have my reasons for not telling her.
I really depends on your circumstances and only you can know what is right!
I am "Itching" to tell her, I want to CD whenever I want, I want that input from a GG, and I am ready with that explanation and reasoning.
But, can anyone be really ready to confront all scenarios???
Yes, it's bound to happen, to get caught...it only a matter of time.
Knowing that your marriage may end, isn't the end of the world, but why rock the proverbial boat!

[Tina_gm]

EMI I could not agree more. Ask my opinion and I will always say better to be open and honest. However, people also need to be ready. They need to feel comfortable enough about it to tell. If telling before such a state is reached it may come out awkward and they may not be able to express themselves leading to more confusion and not communicating properly. That could have more negative consequences.

[Della]

My wife knows. But, I have no "stash" or hiding place because, out of fear or respect, I just don't. But I want to talk more, just because, sometimes, it's good to talk.

[Katey888]

Now Ladies, I am here to tell you, she hides secrets from you!
I suppose there is a lot of open relationships and if your in one, your very lucky.
But life isn't a bed of roses girl friends!
Those who probably won't comment on this thread are experiencing a relationship, like mine...


^^^This... Candy - big hug and air kiss for being so honest and candid... (Candid Candy...? ;))

Wild's clattering of metaphorical tin cups on the cell bars here might get some people riled, or maybe reason and acceptance will prevail... but my view aligns with yours, Candy, and I will support your comment...

Personally I find the opinions that state we 'must' do something because there is only one 'right way' of doing things as hypocritical, judgmental and as fascist as you can get. This is a support forum and my belief is that members should find acceptance and support for whatever their situation or circumstance and whatever their chosen course of action - we are not here to goad folk into something they may later bitterly regret, for themselves and their family... :Angry3:

Everyone has a right to choose their own path through this and their own pace... moralising about 'lies' here when we live in a world founded on lying, scheming and proselytizing one's way upwards strikes me as the biggest hypocrisy there is.

No - I'm not itching to tell.

No - I'm not worried she might discover the secret.

And NO - I don't believe anyone here should be made to feel bad about secrets in a relationship - it happens both ways; it's life; grow up and live with it... :)

Katey x

[MatildaJ.]

I am "Itching" to tell her, I want to CD whenever I want, I want that input from a GG


my view aligns with yours, Candy...Everyone has a right to choose their own path through this and their own pace...
No - I'm not itching to tell.

I think these comments are key. CDers "itch" to tell when they want to go further and involve their partner, at least by arranging for more free time to dress. When it becomes hard to get time without telling a series of more and more obvious overt lies, then CDers tend to move closer to telling.

As long as it's a small part of your life that you keep to yourself without much effort, I can see it being reasonable not to tell, just as we don't always reveal sexual fantasies which might upset our partner.

But as CDing takes up more of your time and energy, it becomes natural to want to tell your partner (even if it's still nerve-wracking to start that conversation). I think it's great that there are resources on this board to help CDers make that transition from keeping the secret to revealing the secret.

I do think that the happiest results come when the couple feels like they are having an adventure together, uncovering the CDer's "new" desires, so my own advice, when telling starts to seem imminent, is that the CDer reveal that they have increasing urges in this direction, rather than revealing a complete, well-put-together female persona to their partner (which suggests that you have been hiding a big part of yourself for years).

[JocelynRenee]

So many variables. I think it all comes down to where you are on the gender spectrum. When I was a fetish dresser what was there to tell? All I had was something that I was sure I could rid myself of; something I was sure would cause unnecessary strife. So, I didn't tell. My wife discovered my secret during this phase and was accepting. Over the years I began to realize this went beyond fetish and was an innate part of me that I needed to express. At that point it was time for a new conversation.

[MsVal]

I believe that it is safe to say that each CDs circumstance is unique, and is best known by that person alone. The decision of how to disclose, or whether to disclose at all should be made carefully. Poor decisions have lead to serious consequences. Therefore, it is important to consider all applicable alternatives.

Katey is right in saying that it is wrong to proselytize for or against disclosure. Being a support group, the onus is upon the group to present the alternatives accurately, clearly, and fairly. We must be mindful to come short of implying one alternative is superior to an another. I have overstepped that line in the past and have recently seen the error of my ways.

My belief remains the same, that in cases similar to mine, it is far better to drive toward a full, honest, and timely disclosure. Others, whose opinions I respect make compelling arguments for their opposing views. I recommend reading about all alternatives on this forum and others before committing to an action.

[Tina_gm]

I would like to again say that in any general should I or shouldn't I type of question, my answer will always be you should tell. How to, and when to are variables, and are you ready in a way in which you can be comfortable enough to answer questions and openly talk about it all. The longer the secret goes on, the harder it will be once it is divulged. Rather than scorning those who have not told, I would say that overall, life is typically better and easier once you have. If the CDing alone causes the marriage or partnership to end, basically we are with the wrong people anyway.

[char GG]

Candykowal,
You say:

"Knowing that your marriage may end, isn't the end of the world, but why rock the proverbial boat!"

Maybe YOUR world wouldn't end but mine would. The world as I know it would end. It would be like death to me. I think many GG's would say the same thing. Maybe to some it would be a blessing in disguise - however, I don't think talk of an end of a marriage should be taken lightly.

[Nadine Spirit]

I firmly believe it is in eveyone's own best interest to be honest about their cding. Even if it is problematic, you still only have that problem to deal with and not potential hurt feelings from a discovered deception. But if anyone does not want to tell, then it is best to not to. But maybe one day that choice will no longer be yours to make.

Oh and yes, Katie I see place as being supportive of members choices, but truth be told, not all opinions, likes, and dislikes, are valued and supported here.

[Kitty215]

My wife discovered my secret some years ago and it was a very rough time. It came close to ending our marriage, saw a therapist who specialized in gender issues. It was not a good fit and eventually went to another therapist. It turned into a DADT relationship with the threat always hanging over my head that she would not tolerate my dressing and I was never to go any further than lingerie and maybe hose, also stipulations about maintaining facial hair, to prevent makeup use. Our relationship has since gone sour over other issues, but I am sure that CDing was ultimately a factor. I realize I am to blame for never telling her. I believe that the stipulations she imposed were her ways of trying to control me and meant we were never equal she wanted the upper hand. I struggle with letting anyone know and am not sure if at some point I will be ready to.
That being said I don't think I could tell anybody what to do as far as having to admit to others or not. There are many factors involved that make everybody's situation different, kids, family, length of relationship, career, etc. I only can say I am glad I found this site and people to share with. Thank you ladies!

[DAVIDA]

No I did not "itch" to tell her. I HAD to tell her. When I asked her to marry me, I told her then. I could not ask her and not let her be the one to decide if it was something she wanted to get into or not. It was the hardest thing I had ever done and she was the first person I ever told.
I also told her before that, that if she didn't want to know the truth, don't ask me.:thumbsup:
And no, she does not have any secrets from me.:)
That was just over 24 years ago.:D

[BusinessTraveler]

I was reading through this thread and the title is what struck me. I may not be following the spirit of the thread here but in response to the title...

I have learned that telling your significant other (SO) must be very well thought out. Choose your words carefully and understand the views of your SO. You should already have some of this insight. If you know she is not going to accept it, you may just have to keep it hidden in favor of staying together. Now I know there are those who would say a lie by omission is still a lie, but you know she has her little secrets too. If you feel that strongly about making sure she knows - even if it results in a major change in your relationship... plan to answer a lot of questions, it might be a good idea to write down exactly what you are going to say. Think about and write down the possible questions and more importantly what your answers to those questions are going to be.

Okay I will get off my gurly soapbox ;)

[Roberta Marie]

I cannot speak for others, nor can I counsel others on how to handle their relationships. But, for me, I have never kept anything from my wife other than my crossdressing. After almost 30 years of marriage, the guilt from hiding this from her that I felt outweighed the fear that I had that she would not continue to love me. When I told her about it, I started off by telling her that I was sorry for keeping this from her for so long. By that time I had reconciled my gender with myself and determined that there is no sin in being transgender (no matter where you are on the spectrum). But, in my mind, there was a lot wrong with me deceiving my wife about my gender issues.

But, as I said, I can only apply this to myself. Everyone must make their own judgement based on their own circumstances.

[Badwolf]

I hate to lie, so it's both an itch and worry.

I had a few lies built up around it to protect myself, and had solutions for a lot of situations prepared, but at one point I just decided to hell with it.

She had already moved in (without an invitation), was at my place every night, and had a lot of other things moving so fast that I figured I'd rather just be out with it than keep it festering for any longer. After I had my cards on the table it was a lot easier for her to understand all of my other issues, and by easier I still mean it took quite a while.

[abbyleigh001]

Really ladies... Put this issue up front asap... As difficult as it may seem it will clear the deck early and save both of you very devastating hurt later-on...