What if YOU found out...

[Jacqui]

I think I can safely say that most, if not all of us, would like to have acceptance from our wives, SO's, and society in general. There have been lots and lots of threads about either the wife not knowing, the wife supporting, or the wife not accepting. I don't mean to offend anyone, including those on the other side of the aisle, but has anyone ever wondered about the following hypothetical scenario:

*One day as you're taking your suit off the hanger, you notice a long black/brown/blonde hair (the same color as your wife/SO) that's seems like it got caught in the jacket's hanging loop. You don't think much of it.

*On another day, you pull out that freshly laundered shirt only to discover that it's not as fresh as it should be. It seems like it's been worn!

*You're not feeling well at work, so you decide to come home early and surprise her. You open up the door and see what appears to be a man running up the steps to your bedroom. Two things race through your mind: 1) is my wife/SO having an affair? 2) am I being robbed?
Your heart is palpitating! You call out her name. She answers that everything is all right, just wait outside. But you need to make sure, so you open the door and catch her feverishly trying to change out of your clothes!

Now here comes the hypothetical conversation:

YOU: "Honey, what the hell are you doing?"
HER: "Er, uh, hi, dear. I was just trying on some of your clothes for the Halloween party we're having at the school."
YOU: "But Halloween was three months ago!"
HER: "Yeah, but, er, this is for next Halloween!"
YOU: "Ya know, I've noticed recently that some of my dress shirts seem to have been worn, my Brut deoderant has been used up alot sooner that it should have been....and how come you stopped shaving your legs and your arm pits? What's going on?"
HER: (Breaking down sobbing) "Honey, we have to talk."

She then confesses that since she was a little girl, all she's ever wanted was to be a boy. She's a CD, TG, FTM, etc., etc., etc.

YOU: "Are you gay? Are you a lesbian?"
HER: "No, of course not!....except maybe when I'm dressed en mano...then I might be attracted to women...but only when I'm dressed."
YOU: "And you knew this before we met?"
HER: "I've known it for as long as I can remember. I always wanted to be a defensive tackle for the Green Bay Packers and play in a mud bowl."
YOU: "A mud bowl?"
HER: "Yeah, John Madden always says that those defensive linemen who get their uniforms dirty are 'real men.'"!

You are stunned. The woman you married (or have been living with) suddenly reveals her desire to dress or be identified as a man.

What do you do?
a) Support her. Offer her a Corona, break open a 6 pack of Bud, dress her in your stuff, take her to a bar and try to pick up some women.
b) Freak out. Take a long solo drive and think about how your life has been turned upside down.
c) Offer her to trade your male clothes for her femme clothes and give each other lessons in style?
d) other answer...

Just wondering....

Jacqui

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Jacqui

I think you should psot a link to this in the unaccepting GG thread

[Kimberly]

Honestly...

I'd be accepting, but it would take me a while until we would go out "as the lads". I can't really give you an answer from a non-CD standpoint, because I believe that being CD/TG has built my character and made me who I am today, principals included. I would be accepting because I know what we go through... and I find this with most situations.

xx

[AprilMae]

I think the dynamic is a little different. A lot of women borrow their man's clothes all the time, I have several shirts and a jacket that I haven't been able to wear for years, as she commandeered them. Even if she professed to tomboy tendancies, so what? I've liked the fact that she likes a ball game, or a poker game as much as I do. And if she admitted to lesbian leanings, I would probably just ask if I could watch.

[Aileen]

Well, I wouldn't be able or willing to make love with her while she's dressed as a man, especially if it involved false facial hair. Other than that she can wear my clothes all she wants to, as long as she doesn't damage them.

[Sarahgurl371]

I guess I would have to be supportive. Its only fair to be willing to give what I am asking for.

[BeckyAnderson]

What do you do?
a) Support her. Offer her a Corona, break open a 6 pack of Bud, dress her in your stuff, take her to a bar and try to pick up some women.
b) Freak out. Take a long solo drive and think about how your life has been turned upside down.
c) Offer her to trade your male clothes for her femme clothes and give each other lessons in style?
d) other answer...

Just wondering....


For me it would have to be d) other answer.....

Since we are being hypothetical: Let's assume I know nothing about crossdressing and that it is my belief that it is wrong, period.

The fact that I don't blindly make decisions or assumptions without first knowing what I'm talking about is not hypothetical.

I would most certainly have a million questions; the most important to me would be those that affect our marriage. Am I not man enough for her? In questioning her I found that she was frightened beyond belief and afraid of losing me and that she has been doing this since her earliest memories. With all of my questions she hasn't been able to satisfactually answer them and has left me somewhat bewildered and hurt. I feel terrible.....How could she hide this from me?....If she is hiding this then what else is she hiding. I need to find out what is going on!!!!

I'd most certainly be wondering if she was just continuing to lie, if she just doesn't know the answer or if there is even an answer at all, but I would have to know. At this point I would have to immediately go into learn mode. Either she can't give me the answers I need to figure this out or, perhaps, I need to verify that what she is telling me true or false. In either case, I would immediately go "In Search Of" and will leave no stone unturned. After all, I married a woman not a man, what the hell is going on here?

After weeks or perhaps months of discussions with her and reaching out to others for help and answers I've discovered just how complicated this is. After all of our discussions I do feel deep inside of me that what she is telling me is the truth.....at least as she believes it to be....

In my research I have found that the tendency she has to dress in men's clothes is something that is not considered abnormal from a medical point of view, it may be a bit eccentric but it is not really something that can be treated by therapy or medications. In fact, there is a fairly good chance that it may have a genetic component and she may not have a whole lot of control over it.

Now what the heck do I do? I feel it's wrong but she can't change. If I stay with her and allow this to continue what will everyone think of me? How will I explain that I am married to a woman who wants to look like a man?

Now I think I need to do some soul searching. Damn!!!! Why didn't she tell me before we were married? I think I understand why she didn't tell me but still I feel deceived!

~ Soul searching ~

Why did I fall in love with her? Well, she was intelligent, sensitive, caring, compassionate, enjoyed doing a lot of the things I enjoyed doing and was fun to be with and even if she didn't enjoy it she did it anyway because I wanted to. Has any of that changed......no, actually it hasn't...

How is she as a wife and partner? She still has the qualities that were responsible for me falling in love with her and after all of these years I have seen that she's faithful, hard working, a great cook and absolutely phenomenal in bed, although a bit quirky at times wanting to wear boxers (never could figure that out until now).

How has she handled our kids and the responsibilities associated with them? She takes so much time with the kids to make sure they have meals, clean clothes to wear and they are healthy, always putting them before her.

How has she handled me in our marriage? She works tirelessly to see that I'm happy. She's willing to go out into the workplace to ensure that we can have the things that I alone can not provide. She has been an ideal partner in every respect!

Has any of this changed since my discovery? No!

What about her crossdressing and how do I handle it? From what I can tell she has little control over this. It's not something she has picked up along the path to adulthood like drinking or smoking. There doesn't seem to be an apparent medical "cure" for it. She's told me she has tried and tried to stop dressing but she can't. That sounds about right from all of the things I've read and from all of the people I've talked with. And she has tried to protect me by not exposing these tendencies.

Why couldn't she just have come out and told me about them???? After understanding the pain and indignity she has endured for so many years to do what she thought was the right thing, should I (do I have the right to?) continue to inflict pain on her by rejecting this aspect of her life? Do I abandon someone who has brought me so much happiness over the years because of something I feel is wrong? What would I do if I suddenly found out that she had an incurable disease? Would I abandon her???? Of course I wouldn't.

~ After should searching comes another conversation ~

Me to her: I think I kind of understand what is taking place here and I think I realize this is a part of you that no one can change. I have to tell you this is not an easy thing for me. All of my life I have felt that this was wrong and for me this belief is part of my blueprint. I think this can change but it will take time, patience and understanding and I need you to help me, teach me. I need you to be open and honest in everyting that surrounds this. As much as I wish I could, I can't change a life time of belief overnight. We will have good times and bad times but I feel our love is strong enough to handle the change. There may be some point in time that I can go no further and I will tell you but we both have to be honest with each other.

Out of my love for you this is my commitment to you.

Now how do I handle what people will think of me? This is going to be one of the hardest parts I will have to deal with. I'm going to have to change my thought process on this. Yes, I need my friends and I need my acceptance by them and I need to fit in on the social ladder somewhere. But I have to remember one thing, I am not married to them. They are not my soul mate and lifetime partner. My wife is! When it is all said and done who is the one person who will be by my side until the day I die? My wife! Friends pass in the wind, people come and go. What's important today may not be so important a year from now. But through all of this who will always be there like my magnetic north pole? My wife! It is to her I have pledged my life!

I can do this.......I am committed to this.....

Hugs,
Becky

[Laurie Ann]

A and C as opposed to C/D. The world is willing to accept women dressing in mens clothes and find it common.

[terza]

your hypothetical scenario can only be answered
with a CD biased mind. i don't think you'll be able
to find an objective answer, thus hollow in value.

good one w/ the "facial hair" as the counterpart to the wig --
a very important point since it is analogous to gg's hard time
dealing with wigs on their man (from the other thread).

oh yeah add in a sillicon strap-on under the trouser
as a counterpart to fake breasts.

[Sweet Susan]

She'd have to have hairy legs and grow/develop a beer gut for it to have any affect at all. Otherwise, she's just a sexy woman in a man's suit.

[Bernadina]

Since I revealed my CD tendencies to my wife soon after we met, I'd expect that she would have revealed any desire to be male at the same time.

If she hadn't and I discovered later I would feel hurt and betrayed. I'm not sure how I would ultimately respond.

However, it was very easy to tell that my wife had absolutely no desire towards masculinity at all.

[CammyT]

Aloha,
I would say C, although A would be very enticing! Would make for a very interesting night out though, changing roles. Oh, well one can alwys fantasi...I mean dream.
Becky, I do enjoy reading your responses dear, love the insight!
Seriously, to me, it would be "Why did you hide this for so long?" She knows I'm very open minded about anything of this nature. So I guess I would be a bit confused, maybe a little hurt she couldn't confide in me. However, overall I would be glad we got this out and can now move forward together.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Jacqui

I've said this before, I'll say it again: I don't care if Kat wants to walk around in a scuba suit, as long as it's pink of course. She goes out with me while I'm wearing a skirt and heels, I'm certainly not going to tell her how to dress.

Gypsykaren

[LisaRaye]

Hi Jacqui,
I would have to say C. It would be fun to learn from one another, but I would half to be dressed has Roxxy to make love to her has a man. She is dressed and I am not man on man it is not going to happen. For each is own.

[Raychel]

Definitly "C" The deal would be made, she could dress whenever she wanted and I could too. Anything that makes her happy is fine with me. Maybe she would be a little more frisky too. :D

[Miriannah]

I'd look deep into her eyes, shocked with disbelief for a moment, before finally replying to her with exactly what was on my mind:

http://img78.imageshack.us/img78/8035/orlyowl1vp.jpg

From then, I'd take c) a step further, and let her know she was more than welcome to be the man with me. She could be as manly as she liked as long as I could be as girly as I liked.

A match made in heaven, at least to me. ^^

[kittypw GG]

Jacqi,
You are wounderfully funny. I almost laughed myself out of my chair when you used the en mano term. Also the mud bowl senerio. Humor is always good to make your point. Which you did. You and becky both have made me think a littler deeper about the leg hair issue. By turning things around you have given me some thoughts on what I expect from my husband who has this need to express himself in this way. Perhaps, sometimes I am being the selfish one in that I expect him to control and hide who he is so that I don't have to think about how it would make me look or feel..............mmmm, going to have to mull this over. Thanks for your insight. You are showing me that this community is filled with very mature, intelligent and sesitive people.
Thanks for letting me be here I am learning a lot and growing as a person.
Kitty

[christine55]

Very good analogy for one of us coming out to our wife after 20 years.
It is absurd the way some girls have compared our crossdressing to women wearing mens stuff. We do it for sexual and/or emotional gratification while women wear mens stuff for comfort, style etc. Women who actually crossdress (transmen) are every bit as socially unacceptable as we are.
Many girls are very accepting or even supportive but this forum is full of the stories of divorce and failed, miserable marriages resulting from not telling their SO's early on.
Hugs, Christine

[AngGG]

The only discrepency I see here is that most say they would try to be accepting, and I believe you would, but some have also posted to other threads saying how they want their spouse to wear more girly things. The scenario orginally posted by Jacqui does not allow for that. It is more of a total personality and gender identification shift that takes place...to the point of wanting to be with the opposite sex of what they are protraying. Not just once in a while or just for kicks when the mood strikes.

Just my 0.02

[cyle_elise]

i think for me it would go a little like

> grr, stop wearing my crap

>> hehe, sorry.

> blah.


shed continue doing it and id continue not really caring. kinda like when she wont get her own fries but insists on eating mine. "oh well"

wish it was a two way street.

[Jacqui]

I agree that my original hypothetical situation could be a bit (alot) confusing. One day it occurred to me that after hiding my feelings from my wife for so long, how would I react if one day, she revealed ftm feelings to me.

There have been times in my life when my cd/tg feelings weren't as intense as they are now. And in those times I think I would have reacted in horror and non-acceptance, similar to the feelings that many of you have with your non-accepting GG's. As much as I love her, I married a beautiful female and took the vows "for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health," but there was no mention of "from ftm or mtf." So, from this perspective, I could put myself in the place of a non-accepting GG and fully understand why my wife would not accept my situation. This is the main reason why I've never told her and never intend to tell her. The last thing in the world I would want to do after 20+ years of marriage is to have the slightest possibility that my little secret might jeopardize her happiness and her reasons for marrying me. This is something that I have decided that I can and will live with.

I didn't mean in the question, as Christine55 correctly alluded to, that she just wanted to wear pants and mens' shirts as many women do. That doesn't any more signify that they want to CD as it does when they come into the Mens Room to take a piss in order to avoid long lines.

As to my own answer to this question, I kind of wish it did happen and I would answer, first A), then C).

Becky, I appreciate your well-thought out and insightful response. I wonder if your wife read what you wrote if she would feel differently about the way you feel. If I were her, I really think I would gain a valuable perspective.

Kitty, thanks for appreciating my weak attempts at humor. If 'en mano' becomes mainstream, you heard it here first.

Thanks to everyone else who responded.

Jacqui

[Helana]

I think it is important to separate feelings of love and sexual attraction. Your wife crossdressing will indeed likely turn you off sexually as she replaces visual feminine characteristics with masculine ones, but she is still the same person you fell in love with so your love should be unchanged. And after your initial shock died away and you got used to the sight you may begin to get intrigued by the new possibilities and dynamics this would introduce into the relationship. Of course if new possibilities scares you then you would not welcome this new development and would seek to limit it.

All relationships are a mixture of love and sexual attraction. Those in relationships which are more attraction based will have a harder time dealing with crossdressing issues than those whose relationship is based on love.

[ReginaK]

Personally i'd pick option C. It would be a dream come true. We could give each other lessons and tips. It would be nice to have someone around going through the exact same things I am.

Of course i'd draw the line at "him" being with other women. He can think about it all he wants, but I should be the only girl he touches.

[Wendy me]

well ok call it a dubble standard i would let her know that i love her to start , and yes it might shock me a bit ( as i am shure she was shocked to find out abought me) i would say it's ok but i think i would be kinda freaked out abought the hairy leggs and pits, and that outher people in eather mode her being fem, or her being in the "him" mode that's a deal breaker with out any compermize , call me old fashion but marryed you just don't date at all for what ever reason.... on the hair thingy i would hope that with some talking abought it i could accpte it in some way , as she has accpted or tolarates my shaveing.....

[Stephanie]

Being forced to look at crossdressing from "the other side" does help me understand a little bit the visceral reactions that women might exhibit about our crossdressing. It would probably be a bit "jarring" for me if my wife wanted to "crossdress," although her wanting to wear my clothing or act "tomboyish" (my wife IS somewhat "tomboyish" anyway) wouldn't be so much of an issue as her possibly wanting to have fake facial hair (i.e. beard, mustache). However, ultimately, I recognize that it wouldn't be right or fair of me to deny her the same kind of freedom in terms of clothing and appearance that I currently enjoy and it would probably be pretty fun to go out on a date with our "roles" reversed. Also, I'd probably feel even more secure and confident about my crossdressing knowing that my wife was dealing with the same feelings and experiences as myself.

[swiss_susan]

I buy my own skirts so you buy your own jockstrap!

and as long as she dose'nt steal my last beer we make it ok. :D

[pattied]

What do you do?
a) Support her. Offer her a Corona, break open a 6 pack of Bud, dress her in your stuff, take her to a bar and try to pick up some women.
b) Freak out. Take a long solo drive and think about how your life has been turned upside down.
c) Offer her to trade your male clothes for her femme clothes and give each other lessons in style?
d) other answer...


Jacqui,

C, but I would offer beer/wine (her with beer me with wine)... How can we as we are be unaccepting of them?

[Kassandra]

Hi girls!

I haven't posted in a while, but I'm glad to be back.

The one thing that bothers me about this question is that it is too close to the situation we girls have. You could identify with your wife wanting to wear clothes of the opposite sex (duh).

Let's take a different approach. I am a very infrequent watcher of CSI (Vegas). The other day I caught an episode where the dead guy was found in a racoon costume. You girls are smart, you know where I'm going...

(BTW: Neither George or Mary are real people, go with the flow here, ok?)

"Hi hon, just came back to get my... Honey, WHAT are you wearing?" I asked, incredulously.

"George! uh, it's a costume for halloween. It's a wolf suit."

"A *wolf suit*?!? Mary, Halloween isn't for six months!"

The ensuing tearful confession tells the story of Mary being driven to explore her inner "anima". And by wearing the "skin" of an animal she can more fully express her anima. All her life she felt like she was alone, a freak. But inside her she felt she had an aminal pacing back and forth and crying to get out. She started by getting an animal rayon halloween costume when she was little. Over time acquired a full suit in bits and pieces. She hid her stuff and would only bring it out when she was alone. Over time she acquired, or made , several suits, wolf, skunk, cat, and bear.

A couple of times she became so depressed with her "perversion" that she threw all her suits out. She was determined to put it behind her, never to do that sicko stuff again.

Then, month later, she would see a pair of fur gloves, or a fake fur vest. And then she would curse herself as she bought the things. Slowly rebuilding her attire.

Through the internet she found others like her and came to realize that she wasn't sick or demented. Other furries would encourage her to face her fears and "become herself, her inner anima". They encouraged her to tell her husband. An animal that was cooped up too long would just lay down and die. An animal needed to be FREE!

After all of this, she confessed her deepest, darkest fantasy. To be made love to while in the suit.

George was flabbergasted too say the least. He was hurt that she didn't trust him enough to tell her this. She explained that she "came out" once to one of her friends when she was younger and was devistated when that "friend" outed her to her other friends and was humiliated for months afterward. She swore then never to tell another soul.

George said that he had a lot to think about. But the love for her didn't change. It's just that there was a whole unknown segment to Mary he never knew about and would take time to understand. And he said he would try.

To demonstrate the strength of his love for her, they made love that night with her in her fur. She growled and howled where she previously moaned and screamed.
.........

Take it from there. NOW, what would YOU do?

Now you can, perhaps, get a perspective on our partners feelings.

Thanks for listening!

-Tris