SO - Mirror For My Self-Realizations

[athena23]

Comment from my wife last night that I use her as a mirror to help me admit things to myself that I am conflicted about and it has been hard for me to to embrace what I am. A life-long crossdresser, I have been out to her for about 10 years and my dressing has been limited to our bedroom. My wife has been very supportive and encourages me to enjoy what I am and toss the guilt away, which is sometimes hard to do. For me, it has always been more of a sexual thing than a desire to pass or live as femme. Over the past few months, I have been exploring what I am, this after years of minimizing my place on the continuum of being TG. I feel that over the past few months that I fell down the rabbit hole of TG research and forums and have felt like I have been spinning out of control.

Part of my travels led me to BreastNexus and I started to think about breast enhancement. After a month of experimenting with some low level breast enhancement techniques I confessed all to my wife and it went better than expected. Before this recent NBE obsession, I already had some chest development due to my age, a long period of inactivity because of health issues, being a long time pot smoker and medication. I now hover between an A to B cup. We agreed on firm limits and I really want to keep my promises.

Being able to talk about my TG feelings is more important than ever because of the out of control feelings I have been experiencing. I have thought about therapy but am afraid where that may lead because I have no plans to transition for many reasons. I just want to be more accepting of who and what I am and find a way to manage myself better to reduce the internal conflict.

Do you have internal conflicts with being TG/CD? How do you manage your feelings?

[Teresa]

Athena,
Points in your favour, you have a wife that knows and accepts, that's a conflict you can discount. Being totally in the closet with CDing especially if it's sexual is hard, if all you want to do is share those feelings with your partner . It left me with a feeling of rejection and being unloved when I finally came out to my wife, twenty years ago ! My life spiraled down to a dark place ! I've no intentions of going there again and have found the forum more useful than I imagined it could be to get Cding in perspective ! I'm so grateful to the kind members for the support they have given.

[athena23]

Thanks for sharing Teresa and I'm glad you find comfort here. I know that I'm lucky to have a supportive spouse and feel for those who don't. I can only imagine how hard that must be. The challenge for me is to find ways live in the "now" and not dwell on what could or might be. The other thing is I'm not sure where I'm going and what I want and am concerned that the my desires seem to a shifting and accelerating as a I get older. (I just turned 52).

[Jenniferathome]

... For me, it has always been more of a sexual thing than a desire to pass or live as femme. ...

Do you have internal conflicts with being TG/CD? How do you manage your feelings?

If the first statement is true, how can you have any confusion about being transgender? Is it harder to admit you are a fetishist cross dresser than TG? That's strange to me.

Your question about CD/TG conflicts are really two questions. It's cross dresser OR transgender. As a cross dresser, I have no desire to be a woman, ever. I don't dream about it, I never think it would be better to be a woman, I am a man and I like that. Sometimes, I cross dress because whatever gene that drives cross dressing is in me. I was born with it. I never feel conflicted. That would be like being conflicted about my hair or eye color.

Now, transgender, to me, is a very different thing. I believe that transgender people are quite few.

[Sarah Doepner]

Keep lines of communication open between you and your wife. Revisit those firm boundaries because if you are enveloped by a pink fog you may find ways to justify moving beyond those agreed upon limits. There is nothing wrong in making this journey, but you can't just use her as a mirror to bounce back what you want to see and hear, she needs to be part of the process. Eventually there may be things you disagree over and if you can't find the common ground, a counselor may be a good next choice. Good luck.

[athena23]

If the first statement is true, how can you have any confusion about being transgender? Is it harder to admit you are a fetishist cross dresser than TG? That's strange to me.

Your question about CD/TG conflicts are really two questions. It's cross dresser OR transgender. As a cross dresser, I have no desire to be a woman, ever. I don't dream about it, I never think it would be better to be a woman, I am a man and I like that. Sometimes, I cross dress because whatever gene that drives cross dressing is in me. I was born with it. I never feel conflicted. That would be like being conflicted about my hair or eye color.

Now, transgender, to me, is a very different thing. I believe that transgender people are quite few.

For me, my self-relization was that for me being a CD is on the continuum of the Transgender spectrum and I see it different than being a transexual. "Is it harder to admit you are a fetishist cross dresser than TG? That's strange to me." - Yes, for me it was. Since coming out to my wife as a CD it has been easy to consider myself a "fetishist cross dresser". The whole thing about being genetically disposed to CD is something to investigate further. I'm generally happy to be male and never hated my maleness and do not consider myself as a woman trapped in a man's body. I'm a long way away from presenting as a female in public and don't even do many of the things gals here are doing. i.e. wig, make-up, dressing to pass etc. I am an obsessive person on many fronts and when I get a bug in my head, I pursue it relentlessly. The recent focus on breast enhancement took me by surprise and I'm still unclear as to what has motivated me. In many ways as things become more clear to me, I feel more confused than ever. It is a process and I envy the gals who are 100% comfortable with their desires and look forward to reaching the same level of self-acceptance.


Keep lines of communication open between you and your wife. Revisit those firm boundaries because if you are enveloped by a pink fog you may find ways to justify moving beyond those agreed upon limits. There is nothing wrong in making this journey, but you can't just use her as a mirror to bounce back what you want to see and hear, she needs to be part of the process. Eventually there may be things you disagree over and if you can't find the common ground, a counselor may be a good next choice. Good luck.

Thanks Sarah. Good words of advice.

[Kris Avery]

Clear communication with your SO is the most important thing.

Personal example:
Recently - I was communicating more here, than with her and when she recently "got caught up" online - we had a lot to talk about - that we hadn't talked about. (ouch).

I will be sure to not let this happen again.

[Katey888]

Hi Athena,

I don't have any internal conflicts about being TG/CD - to me they are all part of the same condition and I believe we can experience vastly different degrees of gender dysphoria because gender is simply not binary... for us. :) Perhaps the lucky muggles are in that space but we are not.

It is possible that you are just recently experiencing the euphoria of discovering all this TG, CD etc. material that exists and that affirms this part of you. I've experienced that too and it's a bit of a rush.. :) If that is the case, then chances are these feelings will subside and you will find that actually, perhaps you are just a fetish CD - nothing wrong with that!

Or it is also possible you are encountering what many of us here appear to encounter with increasing age, economic and relationship stability, that may or may not be a small amount of gender dysphoria that you need and want to explore... Nothing wrong with that either. :)

You seem to imply that therapy is only for those who intend to transition - I don't believe that to be true. Therapy or counselling can help you find a way to self-acceptance without any need for radical change. Accepting who you are may well be accomplished by you finding a balance between your 'personal' dressing needs (the relationship/sexual side) and your 'gender expression' needs (the GD side) if you have them. Expressing a gender need does not necessarily mean passing, living as a woman or even necessarily going public - it may just be enough for you that you can satisfy them by expressing that desire at home, for example... I do believe it is an individual need and motivation for each of us, that is satisfied by individual and unique actions.

There is another thread that also discusses gender that I'm sure you would have read but just in case, it's here: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?218554-dunb-question

Time may help you get to that harmony and balance that we all seek - and chatting and reading here may help too... :)

Good luck...

Katey x

[JocelynRenee]

Athena, my wife said essentially the same thing 20+ years ago. Her comment made me realize that I really didn't have an internal conflict at all. The truth was and is that I would prefer to feminize my body and present as female the majority of time. The only internal conflict that really ever existed was my unwillingness to face that truth out of fear of how other people would react. Once I understood and was able to share my true nature, it became a simple(?) matter of forging compromises with my wife, friends, loved-ones, my job, etc. Of course this really isn't always that simple. Sometimes professional help is required to help us sort it all out. Counseling isn't just for those who intend to transition.

I think it's very important to be able to recognize and admit the true depths of our gender feelings to ourselves AND our loved ones. How many times do we hear wives complain that their husbands keep pushing the boundaries they had agreed to? In hindsight, I didn't push boundaries because my desires changed; boundaries began to feel restrictive as my own internal level of acceptance changed.

You've taken the difficult step of sharing with your wife; now keep the sharing going. Make sure she remains aware of your evolving understanding and keep her in the decision loop.

[Eringirl]

Hi Athena: there have been many good comments, so I won't be repetitive, but have to reinforce something that Katey stated in response to your comment about therapy. Working with a therapist or counsellor is not only for those that are transitioning. A good therapist can help you no matter where you are on the TG scale. You are already in a good place with a supportive wife, a therapist should be able to work with just you or with your wife. You can set the boundaries and go from there (eg transitioning is off the table etc).

Hope things improve for you!

Erin

[athena23]

Thanks everyone. As part of my latest reveal, I discussed that maybe talking to someone would be something I'd like to pursue. When i wrote that counselling was for those in transition was actually echoing my wife's concerns that it could be a step towards transition or that the therapist would encourage transition. It is a large step for both of us because it is bringing another person into our private world. Not that it is a bad thing, just new and somewhat scary. I'm sure I sound like I'm struggling and that's because I am. However, in many ways, I am in much better place than I have been for years with improved health, a brand new start-up with interesting and caring folks and I have started some serious self-relection. :)

[Tinkerbell-GG]

The recent focus on breast enhancement took me by surprise and I'm still unclear as to what has motivated me.

Not really a surprise. The nature of fetish is compulsive (my H is one). Think about the amputee fetishists who've had perfectly healthy legs removed. Is this any different to you wanting breast implants?? I don't see a difference.

If you're not a fetishist though, then therapy sounds like a helpful plan.