I hate this condition

[PaulaQ]

Being transgender, that is.

Why couldn't I have gotten cancer, instead? I'd say "why couldn't I have gotten a different birth defect, instead", but, lol, I already got one of those anyway.

Seriously though, nearly anything else is sounding pretty good right about now.

[Lucy Lou]

Sometimes I feel like that but what ever I try, or have ever long I leave it I find myself coming back to it. It is part of me and us and there is nothing we can do about it so we might as well enjoy it and have fun.

Lucy Lou:)

[IamSara]

Like so many other girls, I have tried and tried to rid myself of the transgender thoughts and actions I have taken ever since I was about 12. It always ALWAYS comes back more strongly than before. As I have read and been told by so many it is real NOT a fetish, or fantasy, or just some pych problem that drugs will take care of. It is my true self, I have a choice live it or don't. Luckily I have not come to any further towards the don't part of living than the occasional everyone would be better with out me and I would be out of my misery thoughts.
There are so many ups and downs in life and ours just adds another to it but you can do it. You can get through the bad times and the good times WILL be better.
I will keep you in my thoughts.
Hugs
Sara

[Rachael Leigh]

Paula for those of you who are in that situation I feel for you, it's bad enough dealing with this CD thing, I cannot even imagine feeing in the totally wrong gender even though I did occasionally feel that way.
Hope it gets better hon
Hugs Leigh

[kimdl93]

Sounds like you're in the midst of a bad time, Paula. I guess most of us have been there and if life assures anything, most of us will be there again. But to put it in perspective, I would rather be who I am than have to cope with cancer, or other normally fatal conditions like ALS, Alzheimer's, Ebola, or non fatal conditions, like spinal bifilar Downs Syndrome, cerebral palsy, MS, HIV, Hepatitis B or C, the list goes on.

At this moment I refuse to consider myself as defective simply because I identify as a woman to a considerable extent. I prefer to see it as a difference, like being left handed.

From what I have learned about your life, Paula, you have already overcome real disabilities and have largely come to grips with your gender identity. Your story is one of courage and perseverance. You're not defective....you're transcendant!

[PaulaQ]

I'm fine. I'll survive. I always have.
I've lost everything before. I made it through.
I've been mocked, ridiculed and made to feel like a freak my whole life. It doesn't much more than mildly annoy me.
I've been rejected so many times, it's just a fact I live with. Some will accept me, and they suffice.
I am unafraid for myself. I'll make it.

It isn't for myself I hate this. I hate watching what it does to others. Watching them suffer. Trying to help, and seeing them give up after a while. I fight, I push back, I love really hard. But I know as much as I've had to fight with others to keep their hope (and themselves) alive, I know I'll eventually witness something awful.

And that knowledge breaks my heart. It's hard to watch people you love give up on life.

I've dealt with this so much this year. It is by far the hardest thing in my transition so far.

[kimdl93]

Here is a very cold analysis...and sheer speculation. Could it be that you have been immersing yourself in the lives of others as a way of avoiding your own? It's laudable to be helpful and supportive of others on this journey. At the same time it can be emotionally exhausting. Care givers need to take care of themselves, and accept that there are going to be losses. A measure of detachment and self preservation may help.

[arbon]

Well it is a hard thing to deal with for many. I know it almost took me down and it had a pretty negative impact on my life. But these days it is not such an issue for me - its just the way things are and I have done what I can to correct it, and maybe I can still do more. I feel better about myself then I ever have - I am not going to let it ruin the rest of my life or feel sorry for myself. There's not point in it.

I've known a lot of people over the years that have suffered one thing or another and committed suicide. Suffering is suffering no matter what the cause. Trans people are not unique or special when it comes to suffering.

The way I see it we fortunate today that we can transition - society is more accepting, better access to information and to others going through the same thing, better medical access. Its not perfect but people can get through it and live good lives. I'll take being trans over many other things.

[CostaRicaRachel]

I know exactly how you feel. It is so difficult to live with.

My entire life I just tried to ignore it thinking, if I just kept busy and did not think about it, it would go away.

That was until about a year, I went kind of crazy, I felt like I could no longer live this way, I felt as if I had to change something,
I had to transition, then I went crazy again, thinking I could not transition, trying to come up with some other solution. You would
not believe the crazy ideas I came up with.

I finally saw a therapist, and she made me realize I don't have to make any decision right now. All options are open, you can live the way
you want. She keeps trying to convince me that being transgender is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. It is very hard to
get over this hurdle.

It is very difficult for me to accept this is who I am. I did not expect my life to end up this way or have to make these
kinds of decisions.

On the plus side, I like who I am, I am a kind, compassionate, generous person. If I had to change that to be a "normal"
man, I would not.

I hope this helps, knowing you are not alone.

[Rachel Smith]

I hate what it did to my family and by that I mean my wife and daughter but I myself am a better person now then I was before I only wish they were here to experience the new me. Hang in there friend. Live to enjoy YOUR life and concentrate on that YOU.

[Carlene]

Paula, I am so sorry you find yourself under such a heavy burden. I can offer very little except to say that you have many friends here, none of which will reject you. Please take comfort in knowing that.............Carlene

[PaulaQ]

The way I see it we fortunate today that we can transition - society is more accepting, better access to information and to others going through the same thing, better medical access. Its not perfect but people can get through it and live good lives. I'll take being trans over many other things.

I'm a little better. I took a nap. Crying like your heart is broken apparently takes a lot of energy.

I've seen too many women lose everything, homes, careers, cars, everything. That in itself isn't so awful for me to watch - it is pretty normal with alcoholics and addicts. But it's so unfair to watch someone suffer the same consequences not for addiction, but simply because of a medical condition they were born with.

And so looking someone in the eye who's just lost their career (unless they detransition, and get lucky), has no money, is about to lose their vehicle, has no insurance, no money for medications, and no home of their own, and telling them "it'll get better," in response to their pleas of having nothing left to live for feels like a lie sometimes. And that feels horrible when you really care for that person - when you love them.

I've done different variations of this with different people all year long. And so far, my tricks, my guile, my feminine wiles, my hope, my pep talks, and sometimes my financial help, have been sufficient to help them keep it together, and choose life a little longer.

And yet seeing the light of hope extinguish in someone's face, as I did today, just wrecks me. It's heartbreaking to know that their response, might actually be the rational one. I'm not sure I'd want to continue to live if I found myself homeless, moneyless, and out of my mind with GD living on the streets.

Oh well, my tricks worked again today, and she's working on her resume.

Some days this is just hard. Today was a bad day, what can I say? And I know some day I will face real loss - but that day wasn't today.

And sure, I'll admit it. I thought seriously today about just withdrawing from all this. The hell with everyone else - just focus on myself and myself alone. But I can't - that isn't who I am. And it is going to cost me dearly at some point. I know that.

[VanTG]

Hi Paula,

Well I cannot comment on what your going through, I did read some of your past posts and I would suggest you doing the same thing. You might find some positive moments in them and it might help you out right now.

Just my Two Cents

[Rogina B]

Sounds like you're in the midst of a bad time, Paula.

At this moment I refuse to consider myself as defective simply because I identify as a woman to a considerable extent. I prefer to see it as a difference, like being left handed.

From what I have learned about your life, Paula, you have already overcome real disabilities and have largely come to grips with your gender identity. Your story is one of courage and perseverance. You're not defective....you're transcendant!I think you are doing pretty well considering the timeline of all you have taken on in a short period of accepting yourself.

[noeleena]

Hi,

yes things may if not are tough and very hard at times. I could easerly have hated my self because of what i went through and have been through , yes i was born different, and had a lot of other issues to contend with ,

and when i think about it i wonder why the hell i was born in fact Mom and i were so close to being murdered a moment would have been all that was needed, and possibly , though the reason i have things wrong with myself , was just before birth ,

Iv had to live through that and then try and live a life that was normal i have major issues i work through each day , and keeping sane is one of them one other you all know about in my writing or my lack of in normal understanding ,

yes i get told off about it and told rewright what i say so others can understand, how do i do that when i dont know how, and theres other isues .......

do i just bugger off and hide in a hole some where and die i know were there is one and no one would know, or ever find it, too late then ,

Life can be .... bloody hard..... trust me i know , so far i,v got this far just 67 years,

Age 10 i knew what i was / am so live with it or get out, i did the live bit, does not make my life easy , i dont hate who i am i accepted who i am , you know sucide was allways close by for a long time its allways just there, and i,v had other detail hang over my head,

can i tell you what keep me going over the last 12 y 9 m was when Dejarn was born yes our grandaughter one lovely little bit,e girl she keep me going really keeped me alive i lived for her i cared less for or about my self yet she gave me more than just life to live

..................WITH OUT......... her , i doubt id be here now...................

Thats what Dejarn has done for me.

If you were able to come over and see me you,d soon see what im saying is real

A condision or defect,s .....well i was born with quite a few, and i cant help that or do much about them so all i can do is skirt around them and thats all i do . just so i can have a life thats worth somthing , yours maybe a little different than mine .

So all i can say is do the best you can with what your born with , thats all im doing ......

...noelenna, ..

[jules]

Not much good with words on how to express myself a lot of the time .
But all I can say take your time. It's not a easy road to say the least it's full of potholes and twist and turns and you never know when they are coming.
I have thought about the same thing as you. Why could it have been something else anything?
When I go to work I see drug addicts and homeless people. I walked behind one the other day and started to think that's where I might wine up.
Then I start to think I bad thoughts again.
One women on here has lost everything and living in her friends basement. (Quoting her reply in a post)
There are women living on food stamps who can't get a job
There are more that are hurt or killed.
It's a hard life to say the least.

Then I stop myself and say to myself (in my mind of course)
There is nothing wrong with being transgendered not a dam thing.
We are just different in a good way. It's just that small minded people can see that for some reason.
Enjoy every moment you can and and just be careful.
In the end all you will have is yourself to lean on.
No one is going to save you or be there you you need them but you will always have you.

God I hope this is not to harsh.
But it's what I tell myself every time I start thinking about stuff.
I don't know if this is right Paula but it works for me.


Hugs
Jules

[Kris Avery]

Well, I would hate to say 'what else can go wrong?'
Since every time I say that....it gets worse for me.

CD (check)
GD (check)
TS (check)

Lucky for me, I'm OK where things are now and am not making plumbing changes.

My point is that you can often strike a balance and still be OK and also be happy.:)

[Aprilrain]

You can't save the world. There are plenty of people who suffer and have horrible, miserable lives. Suffering is not unique to TSes! Nor is drama, insanity, wishful thinking, immaturity, poor planing, a general lack of resources, and so on and so forth. Many different types of people have these problems and more! Your heart is in the right place, and it's good that you want to help but you need to protect yourself and stay focused on your life. It's the only place where you can really effect change.

[LeaP]

Paula, you have been very open about being physically handicapped - the other birth defects to which you refer in your OP. How do you regard those? Do you regard being trans any differently? If so, why?

[PaulaQ]

@LeaP - I regard being trans as exactly the same as my other birth defects. Both Arthrogryposis (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthrogryposis) and being transgender are currently thought to be developmental defects during the mother's pregnancy. Nobody knows why these things happened to me - my sister, who was born two years later, is perfectly normal in all respects.

Throughout my life, I didn't understand that these feelings I've had of being a woman, desperately wanting to be a woman, cross dressing, etc. were anything other than some type of horrible mental or moral failure on my part. It helped me a lot to read through research and realize that the condition of being trans was another developmental disorder, much like the one that affected my legs. It certainly helped me eliminate feelings of guilt, questions of morality, etc. It really helped with that a lot - I had a lot of guilt over how this has affected my wife and my family.

In a lot of ways being handicapped throughout my life has been a big help during my transition:
1. I'm used to people treating me differently, especially growing up in Texas. People, especially other kids, were often cruel to me about my handicap.
2. I'm used to being stared at everywhere I go. People notice how I walk - they always have. I tune it out now. Seriously, I don't even notice it.
3. Microagressions, little slights, misgenderings, that stuff - it sucks, but again, I've always dealt with stuff like that, so my shell is pretty hard at this point.

When I was a kid, I spent an extensive amount of time in an children's orthopedic hospital. Texas Scottish Rite Hospital for Children (http://www.tsrhc.org/about-us). (The black and white photo in the middle of the page shows my doctor, interestingly enough.) I spent five of my first seven birthdays in that hospital. I learned to talk there.

I realized when I was very young that I was much more disturbed by watching what happened to others, their suffering, than my own. I became motivated to try to distract the other kids as best I could, usually with humor. (I don't mind acting like a dumbass if it'll make someone laugh.) It really bothered me a lot, being in that ward with the other kids. Most of them were much worse off than I was. It motivated me to try to do something, anything to help.

I seem to still have those same feelings. I really hate seeing what being trans can do to others, more than living through how it's affected me. Sure, I have my moments of self-pity, but I get over those. The stuff that really gets me is seeing others suffer. I just can't stand that. Of course, there is only so much I can do to help others - I'm limited. And so much of transition is an internal struggle - a person will either find their way through, or they won't. All we can really do is offer support and guidance. I can't "fix" anyone. I can just be a friend. That's all I've ever been able to do, really.

The last thing I'd say about it being trans vs. being handicapped is that since I do view them as the same thing - a physical / developmental handicap - I take just an extremely dim view of those who deny our condition and would block treatment. What kind of a monster blocks the treatment of a childhood medical condition on "moral" grounds?

edit: decided to attach a baby picture showing me in casts during my first year. It's kind of a rare picture for me, with my mom and dad together.

[Bria]

Paula, I think that your last sentence has huge meaning, I hadn't thought of it quite that way, thanks!

Hugs, Bria