Haven't been around for a while, things are very complicated now...

[Rachael Jones]

Hi everyone, I could not believe it's been over a year since I last posted.

This is going to be a difficult post for me to write.

I had to come out to my wife, as she found my wig - no biggie, at least I wasn't using anything of hers at that time. We had lots of arguing, then calm discussion, and then compromise - for her benefit.

I had to endure all the 'are you gay?', 'are you a pervert?', 'you need help, you're sick', questions, again and again and again. I had to leave it all behind - there were many circumstances with work-related stress that was already putting a strain on our marriage, etc without all this revelation of me being a cross-dresser. I'd tried to explain, going round in circles - I'd started as a kid, done it on and off, and pretty much bared it all.

But to no avail - she is a feisty, single minded woman (and remarkable at that) but I could not budge her opinion on my perspective of life.

It caused a lot of friction for months, as I withdrew from it all, purged for her benefit. That part is over, water under the bridge so to speak - either that or she will not want to talk about it, except on the rare moments she pulled it out in a derogatory tone.

The horrible thing is - I just cannot stop. It's part of who I am, yet am torn now because I want to dress again, feel fabulous and femme. They say what you do in childhood is stuck with you once you've left your teens... But I know I can't come out to her again because of the response - I know for certain it will be the same.

My ideal is that she would accept it (even if it's a don't ask, don't tell scenario), but failing that, that I would find someone who I could share a dressing up with, where I could simply be seeing friends. I don't know. I'm just rambling now, it's so hard and confusing.

Given the fact that coming out to my wife was an utter failure, trying to reconcile or compromise in some way also failed, what could I do? The urge is strong (in fact I have a new dress already) and don't want to make myself miserable waiting for the urges to pass (which they might do eventually).

I just don't know.

[kellyanne]

I wish you all the best.

My advice is to be realistic on your true nature and your partner's views on CDing and the future of your circumstances.

An arrangement or situation that allows an adequate amount of your self expression, as others say.


We can only be ourselves.

PS: A good # of girls say the wife's view can soften with time.

I know many, many very good married men who are otherwise honest and decent in every way yet the feel compelled to tell " white lies" to the wife to keep marital conflict to a minimum.

Almost all the fib topics are mundane: " No , I did not go for a 5 min coffee with my team mates after the game -, No, I didn't meet with the young female employee who needed help with her assignment like anyone else, no I didn't speak up at the meeting.

As a bach it seems odd to me but these fellows say

"if I say I had a coffee , a beer, stopped for a bite, went to dinner with a female business colleague at the National Meeting as a professional matter because she asked for help ( proven explosion with that one yet its the only proper thing to do and the company will spank him if he says no), spent $ 20 - lookout etc etc ... If they say they did anything but come home like in a Bee line ...all hell breaks loose so why do it?"

" I'm otherwise a great husband and provider, I don't cheat on my wife etc etc"

Happy wife ; happy life

All the best

[MissJoanne]

Rachael, my thoughts are with you. I believe this day is coming for me, hopefully with better results.

I have mentioned before on here that I see a therapist occasionally. Several months ago I asked her "Am I ill in some way because I do this?". Her answer was most revealing. She told me "You're not ill, therefore you can't be cured".

I also have a blog that I don't write on often enough. I called it "You Can't Do That With People", which comes from what I told someone. As an electrical engineer, if something doesn't do what I want it to, I can change how it's wired up and make it do what I want. You can't do that with people. You can't change this part of you. You might be able to suppress it to some degree, but it won't go away totally. I've learned to accept it some 45 years on from the first time. Whatever happens, you have to make peace with yourself. I really hope you can resolve this.

[JamieG]

Hi Rachael,

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Have you talked to your wife about entering into a Don't Ask, Don't Tell relationship? In essence, you say that you can't stop, but you'll keep it out of her sight, and she in turn agrees not to pry unless she wants to have a true heart-to-hear about it. This has worked for many couples. It may also help if you agree to see a neutral counselor (i.e., not one of those quacks who think they can cure you). You'll get some good advice, and it will look like you are taking it seriously to your wife. I wish you the best.

Jamie

[Roxie]

Racheal
your in a tough spot,however you can not change who you are ,never going to happen .Somewhere your going to have to work it out with your wife,I can say that I don't believe that being a crossdresser should be treated like a horrible sin. To me it's the greatest gift that I have and wouldn't give it up for anything or anyone.(that's why i'm single) You need to be happy and life, and more than likely have a tough road ahead.I wish you the best of luck !
Keep us up to date
Roxie

[kimdl93]

It's a tough one. There are many such people in our world...convinced beyond the reach any evidence or fact in the absolute rightness of their beliefs, the moral superiority of their values. And yet they may be in many other respects pleasant, loving and engaging people. If I could offer a way to effectively reason with such mindsets, I'd be a billionaire.

[valerieg]

... unless she wants to have a true heart-to-hear about it...

I assume this was a typo, but I sure did like the sound of it.

[Julie Denier]

Sounds like my story: discovered, hell breaks loose, total nonacceptance, kick it for a year and a half, then start dressing again secretly ... it's tough. I wish you the best ;)

[Jenniferathome]

...Given the fact that coming out to my wife was an utter failure, trying to reconcile or compromise in some way also failed, what could I do? ...

keep trying. your own stress will take a toll on your marriage as well. You simply have to talk about this. She does't have to accept it other than it is real. Seems like you need a third party to help arbitrate the discussion: counselor or therapist.

Good luck

[JenniferR771]

Good advice above. My situation is similar. Now a DADT relationship. Perhaps she is a bit self-centered. She can't seem to understand your point of view. I think you should see a counselor--one who is actually qualified in such matters. You can't change her--but--maybe you can understand yourself. You are not evil--and neither is she--no empathy for you though.

[LeslieSD]

Being in that spot, and eventually worked out to a DADT situation. Hope it would improve later, but for now I am grateful for what I got.

To get there, you need to have her (through a nice way) understand that dressing is part of you, and it is not going to change (and that is truth). For reasonable people, once they see that it is a part of something that cannot be changed (instead of an argument or bargain point), they will decide for themselves if that is something they can live with. I believe most will work out a way to accommodate. For those who can't live with it, you can not force it (by forcing yourself or forcing her). It would not work to fool her into thinking that you can make do without dressing, because most of us can not do it. It is part of the make up.

[Henriette7]

Hi Rachael

First of all, this is tough track you are running on right now, but look at it, as a face of several you are going into and though. Each face has it's own difficulties, difficulties that has to be solved and that you have the key to solve. Basically you have a lot of power to get your marriage on the track that you want, but you have to use that power. Stand up, trust your self, and I can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been though the same as you (as is still going) but I'am just a lille steps in front. I also have a wife that are having a hard time to understand and accept my cross dressing and is often combining it with a lot of other totally unrelevant issues, but as others are saying you have to stand on who you are, and tell your wife that you can't be changed or cured. She will accept you when she see's that, this is a part of you that won't go away and then the time will help you. But it will be a tough period with a lots of ups and downs.

Hope it helps you on your journey.
Love
Henriette

[Jennifer Devine]

When my parents found out about my dressing, they wanted me to do it less and less but the times that i did dress was when they were out for long periods of time.

Just say to your wife that cross dressing is a part of who you are and that you need some time in the week to do this even if it's only for an hour or two and when she is not around to see it.

[charlenesomeone]

I agree with the try to talk posts, but don't flood her with it. An opportunity will
present itself. DADT is ok as long as you find time for dressing.
Sounds like you still love her, just keep trying.
Char

[Rachael Jones]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Plenty to chew on there.

I'm in a kind of DADT position anyway. I'm very introvert, so she goes out two nights a week to various things, giving me the house to myself.

The tricky thing is, whenever there is something transgender on TV, she makes the same kind of comments - to me that's the meter which I have to sense an approachability.

[Sarah Beth]

I lived through what you are going through myself. Your story sounds so much like mine, even the part where when she brings it up its to slam you with it. There was a lot of animosity and long periodof strained relationship that went along with it. At that time there was a lot of other stuff going on too with jobs and other family things that added to the stress.

One day after a long long time of it not being mentioned she asked me if I bought her lingerie all the time was because I wanted to wear it. Welll I had to admit that it was partly that so then we had a long discussion about it. I admited to her that I was bi but that I wasn't going to leave her or beocme someone else. It is hard to explain to someone how you have this part of you, I know a lot of people don't feel this way but I feel like there is sort of someone else inside me, someone that is feminine.

Now at times she is really accepting and has enjoyed taking part in it with me. At other times she doesn't want to see it or hear about. So I aks her if it's ok if I get dressed and if she says no I don't but most of the time she doesn't care. Except that now we have our granddaughter living with us so I can't at all.

So just try to keep things together and maybe she will come around. It's hard to say what will happen because everyone and ever relationship is different. Just know that a lot people are behind you and support you and are hoping for the best for you.

[Katey888]

Rachael - first of all big hugs :bighug: for overcoming that fear and writing the post... :) I'm sure it helped a bit just to communicate your pain and frustration...

I suspect only time will tell whether or not the two of you will be able to progress together - one thing I am 99% certain of is that this won't go away for you, so you will have to find some way to accommodate it or continue to suffer the urges, the feelings, the frustrations... I would want to try to communicate that aspect to her - to try to reach out to that part of her that presumably has some affection for you and get across that while many of us with this condition are able to have 'fun' with it, the reason we do it is not for fun - who would choose this for fun? :eek: - but we do it to achieve a sense of completeness and harmony about who we are and the way we express that... (That's for me anyway, you may be similar, but you can put your own spin and feelings on this... :))

Take your time and perhaps a way of compromise will open up... Good luck! :hugs:

Katey x