Managing Limits

[athena23]

As my journey continues from time to time my SO has requested limits. Usually its not hard to follow but sometimes my obsessions get the better of me and I slip. I always feel bad and a guilty because i have broken my commitments but not enough to not exceed the agreed upon limits. Has this happened to you? How have you managed to keep your obsessions in check?

[im-sparkles]

Sorry to hear that. I have very few limits but they are those i have placed on myself. Thankfully my so has not placed any limits. That would be difficult. She does have a few concerns we sometimes discuss. Good luck in the future.

[Teresa]

Athena the problem we have is we don't know our limits ! How far is too far ?
I keep coming back to a comment Reine made some time ago about the pendulum swinging ! If you are allowed to let it go both ways you find out what your limits are and settle back to what you and your partner my be comfortable with !
The problem is the the far out direction may be way passed most GGs comfort zone ! You may say you don't want go there again but your partner could take some convincing !

My wife knows about my dressing but I don't dress when she's about . We've had three talks recently which have gone OK but I still don't think she fully understands, so maybe can't see why we need to define boundries. The problem is I feel in limbo because I still don't know how far is too far ! Since out talks I feel far less guilty and ashamed because I can do nothing about something I was born with, so I have to stop being guilty about it. I'm not a criminal or committing indecent acts on anyone, my brain is just wired slightly different !
The nature of a CDer is what comes next, it's hard to promise not to do something when it doesn't feel wrong in your mind !

[JayeLefaye]

... How have you managed to keep your obsessions in check?

By reminding myself not to act like a selfish little girl:-)...My apologies in advance, Athena, because I didn't say that to be snarky:-) It's just something that I truly try to repeat to myself over and over.

A "standard" relationship involves 2 people. Our relationships involve 3....Balance and balance and balance, and don't let the Little Miss take advantage of a good thing.

Jaye

[Jenniferathome]

Odd commentary. A commitment is something you do not break, that's why it's called a commitment. You are doing a "I'll try." Your wife may tire of your inability to commit.

[maya1love]

Try not to "obsess" about things. It throws you off balance. Balance is the key to life. If you feel that you are crossing limits with your spouse, maybe you need to re-evaluate if you are the right match for each other. Or, you need a period of time where you can experiment with everything. You need to find where the right balance is for you, then ideally, you would seek out a partner who likes that balance. Too often we get into relationships and we are still working on ourselves, and it hurts our partners because we're not the people that they thought we were. Find yourself first is my motto.

[kimdl93]

If you feel you are driven to compulsive behavior, then I would suggest that instead of berating yourself, you seek out the help of a competent therapist.

[Marcelle]

Hi Athena,

When it comes to boundaries, limits, agreements between yourself and your SO it is a dodgy thing especially if you make those agreements early without know the extent of your TG tendencies. IMHO "committing" "making a commitment" to not do something is a dangerous way to approach this unless you are 100 percent sure that agreement will never be breached. When I first came out to my wife we talked about what we both can live with and live without and drew up a sort of verbal contract when it came to me dressing. I never signed this in blood because I am a pragmatist. For example when it came to presenting in public her stance was "Do you think you might want to go out dressed as a woman because I am not sure how I feel about that" my reply was "Right now, no. However, I am not sure about the future", the agreement "Okay lets assume you won't be for now but should you wish to do so, lets discuss it".

My point being a lot of girls who fess up immediately go into "survival mode" and agree to all constraints and demands made and say heart on hand "I commit" knowing deep down inside that it is going to be a hard road to travel. In the end, many end up in your situation where they feel they have let their SO down. IMHO it is better to be up front and negotiate an agreed contract with a renegotiation clause as things move forward. A relationship is a two person thing and regardless of the situation both parties need equal weighting at the table it should never be a one sided affair.

My advice would be to sit your lovely SO down and explain that while the agreement made was "this and that" you are finding it difficult to maintain that and would like to open dialogue to renegotiate what you both can and cannot live with.

Hugs

Isha

[Sometimes Steffi]

One of my therapists had me classify activities into green light, red light and red light.

Green light, I would do.
Yellow light, I might do
Red light I wouldn't do.

So, it makes sense to classify activities in the way Isha has said.

I don't know where my list is now, but the last time I found it, I was surprised how many yellow activities changed to green, and how many red to yellow. Not that I don't still have some red and yellow left. But, I guess it's advisable to leave the door open to renegotiation as you needs and desires change, and as her comfort level changes.

I have to admit there there are some fuzziness in my boundaries, and some activities that are neither banned nor permitted, and sometimes I take advantage of these ambiguities,

For example, I'm not supposed to leave the neighborhood dressed )to avoid being outed to my neighbors), but I'm not sure that I'm not allowed to leave the neighborhood underdressed. So, I am underdressed (in panties) a lot.

As another example, my wife doesn't want to see me dressed, in any way. but the boundaries are silent on getting a pedi with color. So, I've gotten a pedi with color and have kept my toes painted but always hidden under socks, except in the shower alone.

[Lynn Marie]

Having limitations seems to make an enjoyable avocation into an obsession. This is a pretty good hobby with lots of rewards. Don't screw it up by allowing it to dominate your life as an obsession.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Athena, Being happily married for 50yrs. I have found that if you rock the boat you may get thrown overboard.
I know and respect my boundaries and life is wonderful.

[Sandra]

Maybe it's time to sit and talk to your SO about the limits and see, without pushing if she is willing to extend the limits.

[Krisi]

Without knowing what these limits are it's hard to answer the question. I think what's really important in a marriage is respect for each other so for example, if your wife doesn't want you prancing around the neighborhood in boobs and a wig, you respect her by not doing that.

[Krististeph]

More or less.

I'm pretty fair at self regulation (except when it comes to boots and dresses), but there is a little tension. I'll relate some of our dynamic for an example.

In my case, this is something i've discovered in myself and I am doing it. My wife, despite her very significant achievements, does not have anything like this at the present, and for the next year she is working on yet another advanced degree. The subject is not really her passion, so I need to be mindful of my personal indulgence.

How so? Housework gets done first before I dress up when she is at home. If i am at home when she is out, I can dress, but again, housework first. Similarly with helping her with school, I'll do initial research for her papers, and i can do this dressed, as long as good progress is made, it's good. If I don't get stuff ready in time, then out of simple courtesy, CD stuff goes on the back burner: time spent cleaning my female clothes, doing makeup and body care, comes second to her schedule. She's a great scheduler and is always ahead of the deadline (better than me), and this works out good.

As far as going out en femme, we do not do that much, she would actually support me doing it more often, but i can't feel good if she is working hard on school. She is the most important part of my life, so she gets the priority. This is not to say I always like it, but when you find a partner that works so well with you as a couple and as a team, to me, it is ludicrous not to take advantage of it for the benefit of both.

Every relationship needs both give and take on both sides. With respect to reasonable limits, it is one way to show thanks for the support that you do get. My wife knew I crossdressed before well before we got married, but she could not have known the depth of the issue as i did, and so to keep my appreciation of this I do tread carefully. I'm not always perfect, not by a long shot, but neither is she, and if we work out things before they get big, we have more time to enjoy each other.

For what it is worth: it is often intimated that the ability to see things from the other person's point of view is a feminine trait. I don't think it should be, but women to interact and pay more attention to group members' feelings, in general. So by talking with your wife about this- you are actually indulging in a form of transgendered or feminized behavior. This might not make it any more fun, but this can be a learning opportunity for both of you, and on multiple levels at that.

Think "team", and you will find that you can manage to have some of your cake whilst eating it as well. Good luck!!

[athena23]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments. As for the specifics, I rather not get into it.

I think what I'm feeling now is the result of pressing my personal view if myself this summer and admitting to myself the depth of my gender fluidity. I have done more self-examination this summer than ever before. I pushed past the place I had been before and there was a negative reaction and it scared me. Even though up to this point my SO has been supportive. We have been together for over 30 years and married for twenty next month and I don't want to lose her.

I think therapy is a good idea and something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I have read with interest the posts of others particularly the ones that explore whether hanging out here encourages pushing of limits because of how others lead their lives or achieve new milestones.

That said, as confused and conflicted as I feel, I'm in a much better place than I have been for years.

[Krisi]

I think if you're talking about "gender fluidity", it's an entirely different conversation than if you're talking about crossdressing. A man who dresses as a woman from time to time is one thing but if a husband starts to think of himself as a woman or "gender fluid", that's an entirely different matter. Your wife has reason to worry about the relationship.

[Leslie Langford]

Odd commentary. A commitment is something you do not break, that's why it's called a commitment. You are doing a "I'll try." Your wife may tire of your inability to commit.

That sounds like a rather harsh assessment, Jennifer. And I suppose that our wives or SO's NEVER flip-flop on their level of acceptance or tolerance of our CDing, depending on how the mood strikes them?

I'd love to get an iron-clad commitment from my wife once and for all that she is willing to accept the fact that am a transgendered crossdresser, live up to her end of what I thought was a pretty clear DADT agreement, and finally believe me when I state unequivocally that I am neither gay, bi-, nor wish to transition.

I guess that after 43 years of marriage, the empirical proof of what I am all about - and what I am not - still isn't sufficient to convince her...

[MatildaJ.]

admitting to myself the depth of my gender fluidity...there was a negative reaction and it scared me...We have been together for over 30 years and married for twenty next month and I don't want to lose her.

Here's my opinion on "losing" people.

I think we all pretend that we have stable identities -- it makes life simpler to act as if we will always be the same person we always were. But in fact, over decades, everyone changes. We age, we learn, we grow, we change.

Unlike umbrellas, which can be lost, people will just play a larger or smaller role in our life, as all of us change over time.

Right now, my children live home. Within the next five or ten years, they'll move out. I won't have "lost" them; we'll just have a different style of relationship.

Part of me worries about "losing" my husband if he wants to spend more time en femme as he ages, or if he transitions eventually. And I suppose he probably worries about "losing" me, if I start feeling like we don't have much to talk about or if I don't like the person he becomes.

But I know that we'll keep on being in each other's lives (as co-parents at least, and probably friends), even if we find that we aren't sexually compatible in the future, or prefer not to live together at that point.

The important thing is to treat the other people in our life with respect and compassion, and let them grow, rather than to try to freeze them in the moment and prevent them from developing into the people they will be next year, next decade.

[AngelaYVR]

I have all this in front if me. My wife has only known for a few months now but we have not discussed it in depth. I don't dress when she is around except for under dressing and she hasn't asked to see me as Angela, other than to see new shoes I have bought. If we are out shopping she will suggest things for me and she is happy to do so. I know at some point things will change and then the talks will start. I do know that I am extraordinarily lucky to have her so following some rules will be quite acceptable (so far as I can predict!)

Angela xx

[MsVal]

My dear wife of 28 years has known about my crossdressing for nearly as long as I have. (That's about a year)

We are working on limits and expectations, reviewing them and refining them as we go. I am quite satisfied with the situation as it stands, but will occasionally thoughtlessly overstep a boundary.

[Krististeph]

One last thought- when flying (piloting) - when you find yourself in in trouble, we say this:
Climb (altitude for better radio range)
Confess (tell what the [problem] is)
and Comply ( do what you are told)

This has saved many lives. Flying is easier than crossdressing- i know. the point i want to make here is that communication, in any form is always better than not communicating. Adopt a good practice, and get good results. The results may not always be to your liking, but they will be true and valid, and reliable. Even bad communication is better than none, and you can certainly do better than bad.

This is no BS, it is hard, I would not trade places on a dare. But do be honest- and whatever the result, you will have that piece of mind of being true to yourself. And nothing is better than that. (Apologies to D. Byrne)

[Beverley Sims]

The limits are the ones I have placed on myself.
It is not difficult to abide by your own laws.