Feeling very confused...

[Mariana]

Hi ladies,

I made a thread here about a year and half ago asking for some advise about how preparing my girlfriend about my cding. It turns out time has passed and I did nothing. I´ve dropped some hints at the time, but after some other purge phase I put the idea on hold and got back to the bad old habits of just getting rid of it.

Guess what? Pink fog came in and now I feel like I absolutely need to tell someone personally. I just can't stand living with this alone anymore. This community has certainly been an wonderful place and it cleared so much things for me, but I just need to tell someone that will look at my face and not arrest me for this. I got over some of the guilt, but part of it it's still inside me.

I think the biggest issue right now is the fact that sex with my girlfriend has been scarce to....well, non-existent. All the energy goes to the dressing, it used to get most part, but now I just don't feel any sexual desire if it doesn't involve the mental image of two girls (me being one, of course). I'm thinking about seeing a psychologist very soon, because I need to figure out what is happening and who I am. I have to say that even my first sexual desires, as a kid, involved me as a female figure. I have to understand why I just get aroused by porn if it involves lesbians. And I just can't believe that feeling like this for my entire life I still have most of my body covered in hair. It feels really sad.

I know I should've told my girlfriend before, I know most people will tell me to do it right now, I feel pressured to do so since this is really affecting her (even with our sexless relationship in the recent months she simply doesn't complain, she just tries to cheer me up, it's really sad) but sorry, I simply can't tell her right now. I'm slow, as an eufemism for coward, but I can't see her face and tell her right now.

Seeing a psychologist is the only idea that shows an improvement that I'm able to achieve right now....even though it gives me some butterflies in the stomach. I think I would be more comfortable if the professional that I'll be consulting is a woman, since I can't see me telling this to a guy right now.

Well, that's a confuse explanation, but it's how I feel right now. I would really appreciate the support, girls.

Thanks

[Jennifer-GWN]

Mariana;

I was once in a similar situation, wife vs gf where the question of therapy came up as a potential path forward. The issue wasn't specifically my cding specifically but one of several issues. At the time I rejected the notion for the following reason the request was to just go to counciling. I did not feel going to any ole theory session would represent a fair and balanced place to discuss issues and I was not in a situation where I felt I could find that sort of environment myself. As you probably know there are more shingles out there then one can count but the key is to find/determine the right one with the right approach that you feel comfortable in and can work with. You want the situation to be a positive one, an environment and opportunity that allows thing to move forward so you reach conclusion. A toxic or overly conforntational environment would not be helpful.

Just my thoughts...best wishes on your path forward.

Cheers...Jennifer

[Annaliese]

Stop thinking about finding a therapist and find one and go see one. that work with gender issue, run from the one that say they can cure you.

[kimdl93]

It's not fair to deny your gf of affection because of your mental images. And honestly, it's just that, a fantasy...whether it's you or some other woman, makes no difference. You can have your thoughts, get whatever you can from the image and share with hr if it's something she might find entertaining. Don't confuse sexual fantasies with your gender identity, however. You'll find that CDing driven by sexual desire eventually fades somewhat. And that's ok.

[Mariana]

I know it isn't fair of denying her my affection and that's why I feel so bad. Not the only thing but certainly what hurts the most. I can admit that I should tell her, since I don't have the courage to do so I'll find a therapist so I can at least have a better picture about myself. What you've said about the line between sexual fantasies and gender identity is something that's a concern. I couldn't say that this is purely sexual thing, but somehow after a purge it comes back by this path. It didn't use to affect my sex life but now it seems to dictate it and I honestly feel really bad about it.

[ReluctantDebutant]

The lesbian thing, it is all just fantasy. What you have with your girlfriend is real let the fantasy aid that but don't get too carried away with it that it detracts from your real relationship.

[Isabella Ross]

Intriguing post, and I really feel for you, Mariana. I can't help but think that you should act on your instinct to see a therapist, and do it quick before you let a good thing (your GF) slip away. This is pretty personal, but we're all here for advice and support, yes? In that spirit, I will confess that I went through a period where I thought I had to be dressed to feel sexy. Over time, my wife and I reached a kind of compromise...I've toned down the dressing thing to panties for romance in bed, and she's come to appreciate me in that attire...I think she finds that my maleness eventually surfaces to the top with the right attention, shall we say. Does that make sense? But in the most gentle way possible, particularly given Isha's well warranted rant yesterday, I might suggest that nothing will be resolved until your GF understands and comes to terms with all of your facets. Feel free to PM.

[Katey888]

Mariana... :hugs:

First of all - you're not alone.. at least in a virtual sense here.. :)

Secondly - I doubt what you may be going through is particularly unusual, so rule #1 is generally: Keep Calm & Carry On...

If you really need to tell someone, I think a counsellor or therapist is a darned good idea - they're pretty much sworn to secrecy and they're generally on your side! They may also help you work through some of the other issues that may be there... I say that because perhaps this side of you is not the problem but a refuge...? Perhaps lack of physical intimacy with your GF is nudging you to seek refuge in dressing, rather than your dressing being the cause....? Having a good chat with a good counsellor can perhaps tease out other issues that you may not be aware of...

You don't need to tell anyone else now - others might say: tell - you'll feel better.... You might... or it might get a whole lot worse! Take your time - find someone else to talk to... The forum here is a good release but not for things you might want to discuss more deeply - I have a few really good GFs here that I talk to off-forum and that I know I can trust because we share things a little more deeply... You might find other folk like that here if you look around and seek those whose opinions have some resonance with yours...

Take your time - Stay calm - All things in moderation.... You'll be fine! :D

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi Mariana,

As others have said . . . relax and breath as you are not alone in these feelings. Many have been there before you. I sense you do have some confusion when it comes to gender identity and I believe a counsellor/therapist is a good way forward to help bring order to chaos as you need to determine what is you have/need to get out of dressing. My one recommendation is to ensure the therapist has experience with gender identity issues as not all therapists are created equal. Do some homework.

Not telling your GF does not mean you are a coward and some here can get very confused by that. You are in a state of confusion and it is hard for you to understand it and it would be even harder for you to explain it. Perhaps after a session or two with your therapist and once you have an inkling of what is going on in your life, then you may wish to approach your GF and have the talk.

You are not alone sweetie and we are all here for you. :hugs:

Hugs

Isha

[kimdl93]

I also see by your age that you're relatively young. At 30, a male libido is normally pretty high. It may also be a good idea to seem your primary care doctor to see if there are physiological factors diminishing your frequency or levels of arousal. It's possible. Something has changed and it's affecting your life and relationship. You need to seek help in finding the real source of the problem.

[Mariana]

Thanks for the amazing support, girls. I just wanna hug everyone here. You girls are so smart, so lovely and cute. :)

I woke up better today, more stable, with energy to work.


Mariana... :hugs:

First of all - you're not alone.. at least in a virtual sense here.. :)

Secondly - I doubt what you may be going through is particularly unusual, so rule #1 is generally: Keep Calm & Carry On...

If you really need to tell someone, I think a counsellor or therapist is a darned good idea - they're pretty much sworn to secrecy and they're generally on your side! They may also help you work through some of the other issues that may be there... I say that because perhaps this side of you is not the problem but a refuge...? Perhaps lack of physical intimacy with your GF is nudging you to seek refuge in dressing, rather than your dressing being the cause....? Having a good chat with a good counsellor can perhaps tease out other issues that you may not be aware of...

You don't need to tell anyone else now - others might say: tell - you'll feel better.... You might... or it might get a whole lot worse! Take your time - find someone else to talk to... The forum here is a good release but not for things you might want to discuss more deeply - I have a few really good GFs here that I talk to off-forum and that I know I can trust because we share things a little more deeply... You might find other folk like that here if you look around and seek those whose opinions have some resonance with yours...

Take your time - Stay calm - All things in moderation.... You'll be fine! :D

Katey x

Wise words, dear Katey! :hugs:

I really have some other issues, even though cding is the main one right now. I should've looked for a therapist much earlier, but better late than never, right? I didn't feel like exposing this to someone in person before, and even though I start to shake just imagining telling the psychologist my life secret, I feel I can (and will) do it. Finally, I'm on my way :)


Hi Mariana,
My one recommendation is to ensure the therapist has experience with gender identity issues as not all therapists are created equal. Do some homework.

This is the key point right now: finding someone that is able to understand this. I really do believe psychologists are able to help people, but I do have my doubts if ANY of them could help me. And right now I have no clue about how to search for someone specifically. I live in 4 million people city, I'm sure there's some specialist out there, but how to find it is the main problem. I have friends that work as psychologists, but asking for one specialist in gender identity issues would really expose me, and I don't want this right now. I tried to use the Google but couldn't find any here in Belo Horizonte.

Funny thing: by writing the last paragraph I had some simple idea. Emails. I'll email some clinics with an anonymous email and ask them about the kind of professional I want.

And thanks for the kind words, sweetie.

Kimdl93:
I suspect that is not something related to physiological factors, since the problem isn't the frequency of arousal. Actually, I'm feeling aroused quicker and more often than I usually do. The problem is how I get aroused and the need to dress to achieve it, rather than quantity and libido. Anyway, sometimes we can't see our problems clearly, so I might be wrong.

[Ressie]

Sounds like a case of autogynephilia, but it could be something else I suppose. Many of us are in the same boat Marlana.

[Thea Pauline]

The lesbian thing, it is all just fantasy. What you have with your girlfriend is real let the fantasy aid that but don't get too carried away with it that it detracts from your real relationship.

Perhaps for you or other confirmed CDs; I do not get the impression the OP is in any category at this point and I support the gender counseling, but I could introduce you to at least three lesbian couples I know personally who either survived transition or became couples following the transition of one of the partners. Simply my point of view, that these blanket statements can increase an individual's stress when they least need it and only serves to confirm a gender binary that may not exist for any particular person. Oh. And by the way, I'm a transwoman exploring the beginnings of a possible lesbian relationship that was never even fantasy for me. Simply life and love combined with the desire to spend time with another.

[Jaymees22]

I think you would be wise to see a therapist to help you through. I did and I really think it helped me. Hugs Jaymee

[Charla McBee]

It could be fantasy as some say or it could be a deeply suppressed gender identity boiling over to the surface. For years I tried to think of myself as simply a regular guy with a peculiar fetish for crossdressing and feminization but I only got more and more depressed. I say this without having gone into therapy myself for financial reasons but in recent months I've come to recognize that depression as gender dysphoria and have begun to look at myself as somewhere along the transgender spectrum, probably much further along than I care to admit. I don't go into detail as far as sex is concerned but I believe I am wired female in that department although I am a married man.

One thing that has allowed me to come to these conclusions is open and honest discussion with my wife. I told her about my crossdressing before we even got back together and since then I have tried to make sure she knows everything I do about myself. I never saw any other way of making it work and keeping my sanity remotely intact. I know coming out is incredibly difficult and stressful and runs the risk of destroying the relationship, I'm in the thick of it with family and friends right now but it had to be done. I wouldn't pressure you to do anything you aren't ready to do of course but please do find someone you can talk to.

Whatever you do, do some honest self-reflection and research, figure yourself out. It's the only way things are going to get any better. Once you have a good idea of what is going on, that's when you can start thinking about sharing it with loved ones.

[Mariana]

I'm seeing a therapist this evening. I think it'll just be an interview, but I feel so good to be able to talk to someone about this. I'll be back telling you how it went. :)

[docrobbysherry]

Good for u, Marian. Please get back to us with the results of your session.

I'm a bit confused by your fantasy of seeing yourself as a female with a female? Why don't u do that with your GF now? Is it because your fantasy doesn't involve your male part and your GF will want u to use that? I get that dressing is arousing. Maybe u want to be with your GF dressed?

If your therapist agrees, and u still want to tell someone? She seems a likely subject. If she's sympathetic, she may participate in your dressing. If not, it doesn't sound like your relationship will last anyway.

[Beverley Sims]

When you get to the stageof wanting to go and see a therapist, bite the bullet and see one.

[Mariana]

I just did. :o

It was more like an interview, since it was my first visit.

I felt nervous and thought about it all day long. I was shivering on my way there, but surprisingly I felt calm when exposing my situation to the therapist. I told her that this was something that came even before my puberty. I've remembered a situation when I was like 8 years old and a cousin told me that he discovered that seeing a girl naked would turn him on and even being young I've recognized that I got this kind of feeling by thinking about myself as a woman (even if I don't remember to being "turned on" at this age). I also told her that every time that sex was involved I pictured myself as a woman. And that it was not something only sex-related, because even in purge times, I couldn't pass a store showcase seeing a dress without picturing myself in it, and that psychologically I felt I was much closer to women than men. That I also felt really bad about my body, thinking it didn't express who I am and might be subconciously hurting it with terrible food habits, smoking and alcohol abuse (actually this is better now). Among a lot of other things, the session lasted more than an hour, and felt really good to finally expose this outside of the virtual world.

She didn't say much, seeming more interested in drawing a picture before, but when I've said I felt stucked in a hole with no way out (especially about my gf being involved) she said "There is a path for you, rest assured, there's room for diversity in the world" (not much, but enough to understand that she is not looking for a cure; I don't want a cure, I want harmony). She asked some other questions related to family. Also about anxiety, distress and sleeping habits that I've instantly recognized to be suffering since my teenage years.

Now we'll have a weekly appointment. Let's see how this goes.


Good for u, Marian. Please get back to us with the results of your session.
I'm a bit confused by your fantasy of seeing yourself as a female with a female? Why don't u do that with your GF now? Is it because your fantasy doesn't involve your male part and your GF will want u to use that? I get that dressing is arousing. Maybe u want to be with your GF dressed?

It's difficult to tell you what I want, but hurting her is certainly what I don't want. I feel so bad about her involved in this (and the possibility that she will probably get more harm that she's having by not getting sex) that I even thought about breaking up without exposing any reason, but I can't do it since I love her.

It would be much easier if it was just a fantasy, but it's something much deeper in my identity.

[Isabella Ross]

Can't help but think you're on the right path now, Mariana. Fingers crossed for you...stick with it.

[sometimes_miss]

Mariana, there's nothing wrong with you, you just want to be loved for who you are. However, the problem is that most women will not. We have to live with that. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I've made peace with it by knowing that no one tells their mate everything; no one. It would be impossible to recant our every waking moment of every day of our lives. So we all leave out that which we deem unimportant that the other person absolutely know. Untold millions of women have gone through their entire lives loving and living happy lives with men who held back information such as that they have killed other people. And women really don't want to know that. Women WANT to be happy, feel safe and secure, and feel loved. They don't want to know all the mean things that their male mate does to make her life as pleasant as it is; how many lives he has ruined by say, running a company in such a way that many employees get lower than acceptable wages, or get fired just so that her hubby brings home more money for her and her family. So let your SO live in blissful ignorance; over time, you can slowly ask things to find out how she might feel about dating a crossdresser. If it is positive, then you're a very lucky man. If not, you can still have a wonderful life together, you just have to compartmentalize things to keep everyone happy, while knowing what limitations you will have to live with. No one gets everything they want. I'm sure you've had to deal with that in other areas of your life, this is just another one.

[Mariana]

I'm really trying to accept the possibility that my gf will leave me. I had a chat with her after the therapy (she knows I saw a therapist to talk about sex issues) and maybe said more than I should...I've told her about the lesbian-only porn, I told her I hate my body since it doesn't express who I am, that an androginous body would say more about me (I suggested removing my body hair once and she didn't enjoy the idea) among some other smaller things, and even after that she said that she loved me and didn't need sex to be happy, that her fear is that my "self-discover" process would result in me breaking up with her, and she couldn't live without me. :brokenheart:

I really think it would be better in this stage being single, because she will eventually get hurt in the proccess. There was a time that my fear (aside from a possible breakup) of exposing my issues was that she would tell other people, but now that this looks like a more real possibility, I just don't want to hurt her. I think she maybe would stay with me even after telling her, but I'm almost certain that the real thing would do a lot of damage to her. She's also starting therapy next week and sometimes I just wonder if it wouldn't be better for her to get confidence to break up with me. And yes, I love her and she is the woman of my life. :sad:

[Mariana]

I've told my gf tonight....what a week!

We went to a wedding this afternoon, commented about all the dresses and heels (not that usual in our relationship, but we were in the mood) and on our way home I told her we needed a conversation. As soon as we got home she seemed very anxious, I just asked her to hold my hand and then said, quickly, without thinking a lot "I like to wear womens clothes since I was 5". Her immediate reaction was not much different than most stories I read here....she asked me those three popular questions (are you gay? do you want to change sex? how come you are only telling me this now?) very agressively. But in ten minutes I was able to calm her down, she got a better picture of my situation and recognized I've been dropping clear hints since last year. She said she would try to accept it, and she did it quickly, showing more interest than I was expecting, even asked to paint my nails shortly after :lovestruck:....which was enough to bring back our intimacy to a level we didn't have for the past year. :)

I've also showed her this forum, she loved the boy mode vs. girl mode topic, she felt really relaxed browsing the whole thread, making positive comments about how users seemed more happy in the girl mode (she might be joining the Loved Ones forum soon). She even said she is willing to help me in everything....we saw some crossdressing articles and videos.... it was not only an important night, but a happy night, the best we had together in a long time, according to her own words. She also felt more comfortable to expose some of her intimacy. Judging by the first few hours, the dressing really improved our relationship, which is almost suspicious. So good to be true.

I can say so far it was almost perfect, though I know dealing with this daily is a different thing, but aside from the first five or ten minutes I really can say I got very lucky.

I guess I'm not feeling that confused anymore (actually, I'm still confused about a lot of things, but feeling happy). :heehee: let's see how things will evolve from now on.