Public reasons to explain divorce

[ClosetED]

Wife has again asked for divorce, this time telling a friend. She refused to tell the friend why. So I was wondering, from those who have been thru divorce, what explanation for the divorce was told to friends/family? How many were first exposed this way vs a cover story?
Thanks for any insight - my first time thru this.
Ellen

[Princess Grandpa]

I don't have any answers for you I'm afraid. I just wanted to offer a my sympathies.

Hug
Rita

[Heather1129]

I would say it depends on what the real reason is. If its your CD-ing and you're not out, thats one thing. If its something else less incriminating, tell the truth. My ex turned into a psycho-bitch from hell, just no way to deal with it, enough is enough.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Sorry for you ClosetED. Whatever the reasons divorce is emotionally and financially draining.

Although my ex blamed my dressing for leaving me, there were other factors at play. But to answer your question, I have no clue what she told her friends but she didn't bring anything out in court, etc. She had promised me that when we talked some time before about CDing and there was also the threat that my livelihood could be impacted and therefore she'd suffer too.

Really though every situation and everyone is different so you can't infer to your wife what other experience.

[Pumped]

If you still get along with each other you can just simply tell people you have drifted apart and no longer love each other. If she is spiteful, good luck!

[ClosetED]

As my Forum name implies, I am in the closet. We are on good terms, so it can be amicable. After 25 years of what everyone considered a perfect marriage, most will have hard time believing we should divorce. We are freshly empty nestes, so we can try to blame that. I think it is only CDing and trust issues regarding that. She says I am a perfect person, and the only other perfect person, Jesus, look what they did to him. I do not point out that he walked around in a gown/dress...

[DeeArel]

Irreconcilable differences

[Cheryl T]

The simplest is ... "irreconcilable differences". End of story

[Annaliese]

I have nothing as to what to say to what to tell friend, I do offer my hope for you and your future, that you work through this and come out stronger.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Why feel a need to offer a reason, just say it is a personal issue and no one else needs to know why.

[Stephanie47]

I agree with Cheryl. "Irreconcilable differences" fits the bill. I went back and read some of your comments. You have my sympathies. You're another marriage destroyed because you like to wear women's clothing on occasion. Twenty-five years thrown away and your wife does not even want to consider marital counseling? What a pity? I suspect your wife believes she will be looked down upon by family and community because "Egad! She married to a cross dresser! What's wrong with HER?" It may be too late, but, I would really suggest counseling with a therapist specializing with gender issues. Another perfect husband thrown away because of one issue. What a pity! I wish you good luck.

I read your comments on another thread concerning an activity that may divert your attention from cross dressing. I suspect I'm a little older than you. I've been able to balance my life. There is just too much stimuli in society to run from cross dressing. Just going to the mall and sitting down and sipping a cup of coffee is too much. Pretty women, tastefully attired, nice makeup, nice hair.....stimuli. I watch the Today Show..more stimuli. I love Wheel of Fortune...more stimuli. The mind craves to let Stephanie out. I have chores. I have hobbies. You may be able to minimize your en femme time. You may be able to minimize body modification...hair removal. But, you can never banish her from your inner self. Your wife needs to know your inner self cannot be changed.

[ClosetED]

I feel the need because family are likely to ask why when we are so perfect together. And just saying "irreconcilable differences", while incomplete for the legal papers (which want a paragraph about why), family are likely to press for more specifics. Over 1.5 years of both going to therapy has not solved it.
Ellen

[sometimes_miss]

My ex just told people that I lied to her about wanting kids (we were supposed to wait 5 years after getting married, then try to have children, so when that didn't happen, she had 'evidence' of my supposed lying to her about that), and that she didn't love me anymore because she didn't believe that I loved her, or would ever want kids. While I was going back to school and working full time, she decided she wanted someone else instead of me, and filed for divorce as soon as I finished school. She blackmailed me during the divorce, saying that if I did not give her what she wanted, she would out me to everyone. So basically I took a huge financial burden, she got all the assets, I got...all the debt. But no alimony or anything. So I started my divorced life in a huge mountain of debt. As far as I know, she never told anyone, so at least she kept her end of the deal.

[Lorileah]

... family are likely to ask why when we are so perfect together.

First it is none of their business. It only matters to you and your spouse. Second, if you must say something. say "Things are not as they always appear." or "We grew apart, it was good but we need to move on"

[Jodi]

Reasons are no one else's business. I just said, "she didn't want to be married any more".

Jodi

[Bria]

Ellen, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, I'll remember you in my prayers!

Hugs, Bria

[ClosetED]

Thank you. Family will ask. I don't want to lay blame on any one person, so "she didn't want to be married any more" or "he left me" makes it harder to be amicable. "We grew apart" due to empty nest is more acceptable and non-directional for blame.

[Joni T]

Been through it twice. Dressing had nothing to do with it either time. My sympathies to you. It sux at first but it WILL get better.
Joni

[Melissa in SE Tn]

I truly feel for you. Can I hope that the " perfect couple " can somehow agree that 25 years of love trumps any anxiety about your cding? Peace, mel

[Eryn]

It is nobody's business but yours. I hate to see a divorce happen, but if it does then the quicker you leave it behind you the better. "Irreconcilable differences" covers it and if anyone presses further say "I won't discuss it."

Of course, your spouse is not bound by this and might spread her version around. If so, you do not need to do the same. Take the high road and get on with life.

[Kris Avery]

Divorce is always messy. You clearly have my sympathy.
If there are children involved it will hit them the hardest and that's clearly the worst part.

For you, the next to worst part is you can't control what the other person says or tells others - about you.
You can always hope they aren't as much of a 'nutjob' as mine was.

She was 'too hot for Jerry Springer' with her business and no - I'm not just saying that either.

[kimdl93]

As I noted in another thread, my ex used my CDing as a weapon during our divorce, but it was for naught. It's not a crime, so despite telling everyone including my kids, friends and coworkers, my life went on and she got nothing for being vengeful.

[Ineke Vashon]

Your wife set the tone by refusing to tell a friend the reason. Likely best to do the same: "This is a private matter between me and (my wife), and I prefer not to discuss it" might be a polite yet firm reply to any requests for information. It really is nobody's business.

Wishing you well.

Ineke

[Leslie Langford]

Ed, here's a radical thought...do a pre-emptive strike and tell all of your friends and family that you are transgender, that you have hidden this fact from the world all your life, that your wife could no longer deal with all that, and that by and large, this is the main reason why she is asking for a divorce. I realize that you are deeply closeted and that this may represent a huge leap of faith for you to accomplish, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Doing so will also put the onus on her to defend her actions, and that is exactly where the blame should lie.

Times have changed since you first got married, and being transgender and/or a crossdresser no longer carries the same stigma it once did. Your wife was socialized in an era where crossdresser = "transvestite" = pervert, and she never moved past that point. Sadly for her, the world has passed her by, and she has not kept up with the seismic shift in acceptance of the LGBT community over the last 20 years or so. Psychologists and the medical community are now in agreement that there is nothing fundamentally "wrong" with people who are homosexual or transgender - we are simply wired differently and have no control over what nature or the genetic lottery pre-ordained for us. This is who we "are"...the best we can do is "manage" our dysphoria so that it does not adversely affect our day-to-day lives, nor lead us to depression or suicide.

I think that if you take that gut-wrenching step, you will find to your surprise that most people these days have a pretty good idea of what it means to be transgender because of the explosion of coverage of this topic by the media in recent years, and what challenges we face accordingly. And that, in turn, will lead to an outpouring of sympathy for the struggle that you have faced in trying to manage your demons, and it will be your wife who is the pariah at the end of the day for having shown herself to what amounts to be a "hater".

Perhaps I sound a bit strident here, but what Stephanie47 said in a previous post really struck a chord with me, and I find myself sharing her anger at seeing yet another case here of a fundamentally good man being thrown to the wolves simply because he is a crossdresser, and where his spouse has drawn a line in the sand because of some medieval attitudes towards his pre-disposition that she cannot shake.

I can also relate to your situation on a personal level to some degree. While my wife and I continue to be locked in DADT mode (her choice, not mine) over my crossdressing after 43 years of marriage for many of the same reasons that you have encountered, at least divorce is not on the table in our case due to it, and she has slowly been softening her stance towards this albeit still at a glacial pace. Remarkable what a sobering effect realizing that we are entering the twilight of our lives can have, that our days are numbered, and that things which seemed so important or earth-shattering once upon a time now no longer carry the same weight or relevance.

Ed, you have allowed yourself to become the helpless victim here, and that is wrong, wrong, wrong. You need to take the initiative, fight to save your marriage, and with the undoubted support of your friends and family - prove to your wife that she is on the wrong side of history in her aversion to your crossdressing.

The days when people allowed themselves to be blackmailed and have their lives and careers ruined because they were homosexual are over, and the same thing is happening now with transgender individuals like ourselves. And once you "out" yourself in this manner and finally become true to yourself, you will be amazed at the degree of inner peace that you will achieve as a result - and maybe even save your marriage in the process because you have become a better person for it .

[LelaK]

How about "social pressure to conform" on her part, "the establishment", "the status quo"?

[MissTee]

I have a very dear friend who just went through this same thing. He and his wife became empty nesters and inside of 6 months divorced. Seems things in the relationship over the years eroded, and with the kids now gone there was no reason to stay together. I've since learned the empty nest transition is a common turning point at which many marriages ends.

[Jean 103]

for me it has now been a couple months my wife asked me to move out after 26 year's . I just tell it been coming for a couple years, and leave it at that. we are still friends so far. they don't need details . hang in there. ♡ jean

[Sharon B.]

My ex made it a point to tell my family about my crossdressing that she wanted to do but used that as an excuse. There was a lot more to it then that she could tell that story and everybody felt sorry for her. It wasn't the real reason we got a divorce, she didn't bother to tell anybody about the affairs she had or the bills that didn't get paid, the day trips her and her mother took and brought stuff with the money that was for the bills.

[ClosetED]

Thank you all for the support! Wife has backed off/ slowed down on request, but only time will tell.
The screen name ClosetED is for being in closet, Ellen and D for last name (turning initials into verb ending for closet).
Sicne wife seems OK with not giving away reason, I will not. She would suffer some (or at least feel pain) in public knowing.
Ellen

[Tammy Lynn Tx]

My second ex-wife told all her friends and family about my cross-dressing so they wouldn't talk to or have anything to do with me any longer. this was 25 years ago and a little over a year ago when most of her family found my male personna on FB they all sent me friend requests. But the funniest part was a few years after we divorced our daughter asked her grandmother to invite me to her high school graduation. My current wife ( #3) and I were very happy to attend. My ex-mother in law asked me to go to the grocery store to help her carry some things for her. I figured well, the gigs up. the only question she asked me was... why in the world would you want to wear a bra ? I was honest and told her it wasn't just the bras but everything and I have no idea why I get the urges. She said OK, end of this never to be talked about again. I still love this lady like a Mom.
Sometimes spite can bite you ion the end.

Just be careful and be safe

[Taylor186]

When anyone asked, and surprisingly no family did, I said we'd grown apart. It was totally true, but of course, not the detailed truth.

[Roxie]

My x -wife was an out of control bitch when we divorced ands still is. She outed me before I even realized I was transgender. Go figure? All bets are off haven't seen to many divorces go smooth ,work through with her if possible .Remember you can't control some ones mouth ,hope for the best and it doesn't last for ever.good luck

[Simone's Lil' Sis]

As I noted in another thread, my ex used my CDing as a weapon during our divorce, but it was for naught. It's not a crime, so despite telling everyone including my kids, friends and coworkers, my life went on and she got nothing for being vengeful.
No, it is not a crime, but if you are a CD that cheats on your wife, then Adultery IS a crime.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ed, That's on a need to basis.

[Nigella]

No, it is not a crime, but if you are a CD that cheats on your wife, then Adultery IS a crime.

That's interesting, pray tell where being adulterous is a criminal offence?

[Jenny Gurl]

People change throughout life, that is a fact. When two people agree to be together, they still mature into different people than they were when they first got together. It's no one's fault, that's life. When two people grow in different directions, it is really foolish for them to stay together and waste precious years of their lives being with someone who is no longer compatible. Every year they stay together is a year they could have been with someone who truly is a compatible mate to the person they have evolved into. That is the long version of "we grew apart." It's also often said by both parties that they mutually decided that they both wanted something different in life, and have moved on. If you are going to go into this detail, it's important to not point fingers, and say it in a way that explains that both parties are in agreement, no one is dumping or leaving the other, and you are both ok with it and are going to move forward to improve both your lives.

[Katey888]

That's interesting, pray tell where being adulterous is a criminal offence?

Interestingly, this from Wiki:


As of 2014, adultery remains a criminal offense in 21 states, although prosecutions are rare.

Penalties vary from a $10 fine in Maryland to life imprisonment in Michigan.... Dirty weekends in Maryland sound like a bargain... :devil:

Ellen - I've been through divorce (although not related to CDing) - simplest and most truthful reason for me is that people change over time and sometimes that means they grow apart rather than together.

Hope things go smoothly for you... :hugs:

Katey x

[flatlander_48]

To me, people are often mislead. They see the public representation of a couple and assume that the private representation is that same. However, in many cases, just the opposite is true. And further, we see what we want to see. We don't want to see people having difficulties.

[Nigella]

That's interesting, pray tell where being adulterous is a criminal offence?

Interestingly, this from Wiki:


As of 2014, adultery remains a criminal offense in 21 states, although prosecutions are rare.

Well you learn something new each day :)

[CarlaWestin]

My X lovingly did my makeup and accessorized perfectly with jewelery and got a wonderful picture that she circulated thru family and attorneys to bolster her case and embarrass me. Now she's fat and sickly, and I'm slim, healthy, successful and beautiful.

[Badwolf]

Closer to the truth is normally easier.

If she's vindictive you won't have lied, which helps you keep your friends, and if not it helps both of your stories match up so there's less questions.

Irreconcilable differences is the generic idea, but depending on how close people are to you, you may need to go a bit more in depth than that. Own up to your shortcomings and don't go overboard telling people about the "other issues".

[Confetti]

Sigh, I heard this many times from non cds, no matter what it is the reason for ending it impossible not to have the other person dig up problems of the past and make it the big blow up excuse information strangers have no business learning. My dear friend said she pulled up pictures of women he knew before they were married to say he was cheating and got sympathy.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

As I stated in my earlier response, maybe she realized that the length of your marriage, the experiences , investments & nurturing of the marriage, made her realize that cding is another marital compromise ( though weird ) that can be handled. I am truly hoping that you both can talk, cry, talk some more & then share joyful laughter. You both can work through this problem... Think positive. Peace, mel

[Stephanie47]

That's interesting, pray tell where being adulterous is a criminal offence?

And, if you're in the military "Don't Commit Adultery!" My married nephew was booted out of the US Air Force for adulterous behavior. He got a "General Discharge" rather than an "Honorable Discharge."

[abbyleigh001]

Really... Does there need to be an explanation??? That is your choice... Irreconcilable differences... Or we grew apart and decided to go in different directions... I'd rather not talk about the divorce... The less said the better and it is really the business of your former spouse and you... So in your best interests just move away from that topic and enjoy your new life...

[abbyleigh001]

I suspect that there is a bit of guilt as well as wanting those close to know that the blame lies with your former spouse... How could a seemingly perfect relationship end on the rocks... Well they do... Get off of the guilt trip and move onto your new life... Again the reasons for divorce belong to you and your former spouse... No need for disclosure...

[Aubrey Skye]

Mine had somewhat to do with the crossdressing but that is not the main reason we divorced. But, I take the high road and don't explain to them how she was a bitch and wanted me to be someone completely different than who I am (not even talking about dressing), and I just tell them that we had some issues and couldn't work through them. But I do say she initiated the divorce and I tried my hardest to save it, because the is the honest truth there.

[Majella St Gerard]

Never give in to black mail, I would have outed myself just to spite her.

[Tracii G]

Both of mine were over cheating and it wasn't me that did the cheating.
I let everybody know the reasons if they asked.

[NicoleScott]

"We disagreed about everything except one: we didn't want to be married to each other any more."

My first wife made it clear to me that she couldn't be married to a CDer. The divorce judge accepted "irreconcilable differences" at face value without needing further explanation.

[Wildaboutheels]

Does anyone or everyone deserve a reason or explanation? Only you can decide that.

You can't possibly KNOW who will know about your CD side or not, IF they should ask you the WHY of your divorce.

"All people grow. Some people just grow apart" should work.