Confronting Our Dichotomy

[Vanessa Sheridan]

Lately I’ve been doing some thinking about the confluence of masculinity and femininity that crossdressing signifies for me. I’m certain I can’t be the only one who occasionally dwells upon such matters, and I’d like to find out what others are thinking in this regard.

For me, the yin/yang juxtaposition of masculine and feminine traits, characteristics, feelings and emotional longings is a complex, intertwined scenario that is played out in a variety of ways in my life. The real trick is in trying to create a balance for my life that includes the socially expected elements of masculinity (e.g., appearance, behaviors, speech pattern, roles, etc.) while not disregarding or denying my genuine need for feminine expression (e.g., clothing and adornment, mannerisms, speech patterns, feminine social roles, etc.). The concurrent existence of these seemingly diametric opposites inside the same entity (i.e., me) appears to hold a potential for remarkable self-discovery as well as potential personal difficulty.

What do I mean by that? Simply this: since I’m a biological male--and intend to stay that way, since I have no desire to permanently change my sex--there are certain socio-cultural expectations that are my lot in life by default. I want to meet my responsibilities and obligations as a male, but I also want to explore and experience my feminine self as much as possible in order to be a happier, more well-rounded and complete human being. However, those pesky masculine social expectations have a way of popping up and impeding the ongoing journey of my personal feminine exploration.

Nevertheless, I persevere. My feminine self is simply too important to ignore, and I refuse to do so. My guess is that many who read this can and will say the same.

I realize that not all transpeople are crossdressers, and not all transpeople struggle with such matters as I’ve outlined herein. Some of us appear to defy categorization, some of us don’t care about such things, and some of us simply don’t know what to make of all of this. However, if you have an interest in this particular issue then I’m interested in learning about your thoughts, ideas and experiences regarding the confrontation between a socially masculine persona and an innate orientation/emotional pull toward the feminine. How do you cope? What’s the fallout like? How do your family and friends react? What sort of personal toll does this complex situation take on you, if any? What thoughts fill your mind when you face the dichotomy of masculine and feminine in your own life? Your responses and/or comments are welcomed and appreciated. I look forward to a civil, enlightening and informative discussion.

Love,
Vanessa

[NinaV]

What kind of social expectation are you talking about that are so gender specific?
For me there are only extreme or stereotypical expectations that some people might push upon me that I am not comfortable with and I do not obey them. These expectations are artificial anyway.
I personally am excluding the gender specific expectations but rather look for logical expectation of somebody's or my own skills or behavior.
If I go into gender specific expectation then I am being sexist, and that is something I am actually fighting against. Weather with social behavior or physical skills I am not thinking gender specific and that pays off frequently. As a born male one is growing up with sexism being a normal behavior and it is really hard to break out of it. It takes a lot of self improvement work and then it becomes clear that there is something like human behavior and it does not require one to be male or female to behave that way.
The differences between male and female behavior is then so insignificant that they are for me more of personal than gender specific differences from person to person.

Nina

[Rebecca Petersen]

[QUOTE=Vanessa Sheridan
What do I mean by that? Simply this: since I’m a biological male--and intend to stay that way, since I have no desire to permanently change my sex--there are certain socio-cultural expectations that are my lot in life by default. I want to meet my responsibilities and obligations as a male, but I also want to explore and experience my feminine self as much as possible in order to be a happier, more well-rounded and complete human being. However, those pesky masculine social expectations have a way of popping up and impeding the ongoing journey of my personal feminine exploration. QUOTE]

I agree with you completely. I too wish to maintain both gender rolls, but to have each somewhat seperate and from all outward appearances, seem to be normal and believable. Obviously, the male entity requires much less effort and work.
I realize the the statement "Normal and believable" brings us back to the thought, "Are we in reality trying to fool society into thinking we are something we are not?" I never gave this concept much thought until I joined this forum and it was pointed out by another member, that I was trying to pass myself off - at least in societies eyes - as a woman, and was this what I was trying to really accomplish. After much thought, I would have to answer, "yes." After all, 50% of the time society gets to see the masculine me, when in reality the feminine side of me is still there, but not surfaced. It would only be natural for the other 50% of the time for my feminine to flourish, with the masculine subsiding. Am I fooling society? Not really. This is who and what I am. Do I try to look and act the very best that I am capable of in either roll? You bet. It's only natural. There are not too many people out there - masculine or feminine - that go out of their way to look bad.(That may be the end result, but not the intention)
Back to the thread, yes, I also believe that there is a conflict in at least my life, keeping these two entities seperate and in "working order." The conflict requires thought, time, energy and of course money. It is taxing on the mind and body and tiring at times, but in my estimation, well worth the effort.
Rebecca

[Sophia Rearen]

Hmmm! I'm thinking. Okay, I was exclusively male for 39 years. Then, I realized there was more about me. Something uncovered and unseen. Once I figured it out, I now embrace it. I look back at those years as I was half a person. Now, I embrace my female half. It makes me whole or nearly whole. I'm getting better every day. When I finally get there, I'll probably die the next day, my luck!

So is it a struggle? No, it's an adventure. If something fem slips while I'm endrab, so be it. Recently, I said something looked pretty in the presence of my employees. One said, "guy's shouldn't say pretty". I was speaking with a female client, at the time, and I felt I could bond better if I spoke her language. I felt no shame, quite enjoyed it actually.

Yes, you guessed right. I feel the same way. I am on the way to being a more well rounded person. Just today I had an IM conversation with a girlfriend of mine. While in the conversation we both felt typical female emotions occuring within each of us. Was there anything wrong with that/us? I don't think so, in fact I think it was everything right with us, and I love her for that. If only we could all share or express this side of us with others, the world would be a better place.

Come to think of it, maybe I should hang out with more GG's. Oh, wait, I already do. God bless women.

[pattied]

... maybe I should hang out with more GG's. Oh, wait, I already do. God bless women.

Yes God bless them!!! Wish I had more of them as good friends!

On to the topic of the thread...

Conflict? Yes. Struggle? Yes. For me the srtuggle is less societal and more personal: The more I express on the outside who I am on the inside, the less I am the man my wife married. and while she is supportive of me now, I just know we will eventually hit a degree of femme that she just won't be able to accept. We take it slowly. We talk alot. And all of this helps, alot. The balancing act exists, but for the moment, all seems fine, and is very definately worth it!

[joni-alice]

what is typical masculine?
what is typical feminine?
im all mixed up in my typicals.

hugs,
j-a:cool:

[maid phylis]

[QUOTE=Vanessa Sheridan
What do I mean by that? Simply this: since I’m a biological male--and intend to stay that way, since I have no desire to permanently change my sex--there are certain socio-cultural expectations that are my lot in life by default. I want to meet my responsibilities and obligations as a male, but I also want to explore and experience my feminine self as much as possible in order to be a happier, more well-rounded and complete human being. However, those pesky masculine social expectations have a way of popping up and impeding the ongoing journey of my personal feminine exploration. QUOTE]

I agree with you completely. I too wish to maintain both gender rolls, but to have each somewhat seperate and from all outward appearances, seem to be normal and believable. Obviously, the male entity requires much less effort and work.
I realize the the statement "Normal and believable" brings us back to the thought, "Are we in reality trying to fool society into thinking we are something we are not?" I never gave this concept much thought until I joined this forum and it was pointed out by another member, that I was trying to pass myself off - at least in societies eyes - as a woman, and was this what I was trying to really accomplish. After much thought, I would have to answer, "yes." After all, 50% of the time society gets to see the masculine me, when in reality the feminine side of me is still there, but not surfaced. It would only be natural for the other 50% of the time for my feminine to flourish, with the masculine subsiding. Am I fooling society? Not really. This is who and what I am. Do I try to look and act the very best that I am capable of in either roll? You bet. It's only natural. There are not too many people out there - masculine or feminine - that go out of their way to look bad.(That may be the end result, but not the intention)
Back to the thread, yes, I also believe that there is a conflict in at least my life, keeping these two entities seperate and in "working order." The conflict requires thought, time, energy and of course money. It is taxing on the mind and body and tiring at times, but in my estimation, well worth the effort.
Rebecca
dear rebecca ,i just read your essay and i agree 100% with you we are who we are and when i go out i try to be as feminine as i can and enjoy my feminine sise to the utmost..love phylisanne:)

[Deanna2]

Oooh, I love big words, but I love short skirts even better.

Seriously, what is meant by 'our feminine side'? Someone needs to explain what are female qualities, how they are manifested and how males can emulate them. I'm sure that it is more than just wearing femme gear, etc. I'm also sure that it means more than 'going all girlie'.

If it means being empathetic, kind and gentle, caring and sharing and whatever else are regarded as feminine qualities, then I sure that men can do that without having to wear femme gear. In fact there are many males that have those qualities. We used to call them SNAG's (sensitive new age guys). I'm not sure that term has currency any more.

However, if wearing femme gear can make us better people, then let's do it - the more often the better.