Coming out with the help of "Transparent"

[Dorit]

Hi!
I originally posted this on the Transparent thread but realized it needed a thread itself as this is a personal question. This is actually my first time asking for advice here.

Transparent seems to me an an amazing series and very timely for me personally. While I cannot yet watch it in my country, I have two married daughters living in the US. My wife and I have discussed using this film as a way for me to "come out" to them. They might already suspect that their father is somewhat feminine. In past visits I have had my toe nails done with them, even in color, and bought a pair of bright pink sport shoes on sale in the women's department that were exactly my size. My fear of course is being rejected by them, but I don't think this is likely. However, it would probably get back to my Israeli children, two of which are sons, are more religious, and would really have a hard time with it. But some thing is driving ME to be 'transparent", that my children would know the whole story of their father. On the other hand, my SO and I are so happy and stress free in our marriage after almost 45 years, why should I add a possible problem from my adult children? I am very afraid of conflict and rejection. Any advice is appreciated.

[Persephone]

We just finished watching episode 3 of "Transparent" and it is very good.

When I read your question to my spouse she said, "Well, if she is happy then why is she bothering?"

She has a point. Sure, being completely out is amazing and awesome, but if you are a closet or private dresser why do you need to do tell them?

L'Shana Tova,
Persephone.

[Dorit]

That is the very question I ask myself; "Why do I want my children to know?" I guess it is partly because I do not like the fact that I have to conceal an important part of my personalty, To be sort of "phony" or dishonest with my own children whom I love dearly. I have this desire to be "transparent" to them about my life as I have been to my wife. It is also connected to telling them the truth of my late teen psychological breakdown and the reason for all the scars on my arms. Being Jewish I can maybe compare it to the need of a Holocaust survivors telling the truth of their experience to their children before they die. I am a survivor of my own personal Holocaust!

[Marcelle]

Hi Devorah,

I certainly understand your drive to be transparent with your children as this same drive was what led me to "out" myself in my personal life and at work. I have one grown daughter who lives in Germany (first marriage) and I discussed this part of me with her and she was fine but then again she was always open minded (I thank her mother for that).

Telling grown children can be tricky and I tend to agree that if you are happy then what is to be gained in telling them. However, if living with a feeling that you need to tell them is causing you angst then perhaps it is better to explain it but, unfortunately like telling our SOs, once that bell is rung it cannot be silenced and we will have to accept the ramifications of that decision. There is no real advice I can provide beyond my own experience which was fine but that is me and not you. I will tell you that in weighing the options to publically out myself I asked myself one question "If I were to shuffle off this mortal coil tomorrow without letting those around me know who I really was, would I be truly happy in my last moments on earth?" I did not give myself time to think academically about it I just shouted (in my mind) the first answer that popped in my head and it was "No". So I moved forward from there. :)

Sorry I could not be of more help.

Hugs

Isha

[Beverley Sims]

I am waiting to see more of Transparent myself.
I have not had the time to play catchup with it.
I think it will have a positive impact on viewers.
Some U Tube comments have been a bit offhand though.

[hope springs]

I think the need to tell our loved ones comes from what we are told a good relationship is. Open, honest, intimate and trusting. Many wives have said their husbands not telling them sooner was a lie of omission. How hurt they felt at the "betrayal". So we consider this part of ourself very personal and intimate. The very type of feeling we are taught to share with our loved one. Problem is it can be damaging to the relationship.
So there is the rub. We feel we should tell due to how relationships should be. But equally feel we shouldnt because it can end that self same relationship.
My advice: unless you plan on dressing in front of them, dont tell. The conflict your feeling is the need to be honest. But noone shares everything with everyone. Its not dishonest, they simply dont need to know
I found out ALOT about my mom after she died. And i understood as a parent why she didnt tell me.

[bridget thronton]

For me it was important to be honest with my adult kids and their spouses. I still have a great relationship with them post reveal

[Dorit]

My SO and I discussed the replies and really appreciate the different points of view. In answer to Hope, for now there is no plan to dress in front of them, as much as I would like to. Waiting to be invited to one of their costume events! This for me is much more than clothes, it is my real feminine personality that I have fought against all my life and only now have began to accept it and see the joy and positive change in my personality. Just yesterday one of my daughter in laws told be how much I have changed in the last few years and how much she liked me. (We talked about hair removal techniques and blow dryers!) But we feel there is one daughter whom I am particularly close to and we have deep talks about life and faith together. If I did tell her the truth about me and ask her not to pass it on to her sisters and brothers, would this be placing an unfair burden on her?