Self loathing

[Rachel52]

I don not share the enthusiasm that many here express nor do I intend to unwind any progress many have made towards self acceptance and the like. I don't accept this part of myself, in fact I wholly reject it. These impulses and needs of mine have isolated me from a world which simply has zero space for a giant man emasculating himself, parading himself around presenting himself to be something he is not nor ever will be. I am saturated in shame and if one more person recylcles the same tired tropes of Tony Robbins TED Talk love myself, know myself, psycho-academic nonsense I will barf. I hate this shit. I am not inspired, I am not a special flower who expresses myself in perfectly natural ways. I am alone but safe.

[Wildaboutheels]

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!

[Teresa]

Rachel,
Please don't think many of us haven't been through these feelings too ! Trying to come to terms with part of your brain that for some reason wants you to wear women's clothes is hard to accept !
It's taken so many years to realise and accept I was born with it and it's for life !
Getting over the hurdles of your own acceptance is hard ! You can try and suppress it but you're not going to be any happier doing that and possibly make yourself ill in the process !

If dressing actually relieves something within you what harm are you doing to yourself ??
OK I'm still struggling with acceptance and understanding from my wife and family but at least I've accepted it does me less harm to dress than not and now I don't feel guilty to say I enjoy it !!

[Joni T]

And your point IS ???????????????

[Beverley Sims]

Rachel,
You have said your piece and you must be more satisfied with yourself for it.
I do hope you feel better. :)

[Annaliese]

Rachel, we all need to vent, I have done my share, many of us here have been where you are now, I needed to just look up and see it was not as bad as I though, do not do anything that will hurt your self or others, find someone you can talk to. I know what you are going through, Stop and thing of other and your self before you do or say anything. We here care about you, know that, I do not know you, but I care.

[Andy66]

Well. I feel like I should say something to try to make you feel better, but I got nothing. Sounds like you need to change something in your life to make yourself happier. Only you know what that is. :hugs:

BTW, I secretly think Tony Robbins is full of hot air too.

[hope springs]

I agree the TED talk, Tony Robins love fest get tiresome. Short of meeting you in person there isnt alot more we can offer. If you reject it all, good for you. This crazy duality isnt for everyone. Your not a unique snowflake whose self expression is misunderstood. We will all become part of the same compost heap. So why bother torturing yourself in the meantime. Hit the bricks and go find something that will make you happy. And if you find it, let us know.

[Yoshisaur]

Well if you feel that the urge and need to crossdress is harmful to you then you are welcome to suppress and move away from it. The one thing I can say to you is to do what makes you happy.

[Princess Grandpa]

Hug

I hope you are one day able to find a peace with yourself.

Hug
Rita

[Seana Summer]

Been there......It was many years ago but I remember self loathing.

I don't know Toney Robbins and have never cared for all the feelings B.S. that some folks talk about. I have taken what I consider a very practical approach to CDing. I do it for myself, not to be accepted by this or any other group. I have also come to the understanding that a large man like me in women's attire will not be accepted in broader society anytime soon so I don't go parading around in women's attire where I am not among those who will accept it. I spend much of my time out in the world as a large man. I change what I can, leave alone what I can't, and hope like hell I can determine the difference.

Hope this helps, sorry if I am misinterpreting your situation and making too many assumptions. I did read your profile as I wrote this.

[sometimes_miss]

From one giant to another, remember Clint Eastwood's quote: 'A man's got to know his limitations', and accept ourselves for who and what we are. For it is never true that everything is possible for everyone. Midgets will never star in the NBA. Giants will never be all star jockeys. And as much as I'd prefer to have been a five foot seven, one hundred and ten pound girl, instead I'm a six foot four inch, two hundred and ninety pound man, sort of built like a refrigerator.
In everything of our lives, we can look at the bad, or enjoy the good. Me, I'm happy that merchants exist that sell cute outfits that fit my huge frame. I'm happy that I can stay in the closet, and still date pretty women. Sure, I'd love it if I could share my secret about crossdressing, but hey, no one tells everyone else everything about ourselves, and this is just one of those things. Sort of like people who have a compulsion to eat dirt or paint.
My point, Rachel, is that in all of life we can either choose to be happy, or choose to be miserable. I choose to be happy, or, at least, content. I learn to really, really appreciate the little nice things in life, and always remember that most of the world lives with difficulties that I do not. So today, your post has reminded me to go do something fun. So I'm going to the movies, and pick one at random, buy a box of chocolate something and a soda, and sit back and have fun. Then i will come home and watch all the football games that I have recorded.
Hope you find a way to enjoy your day.

[Jenniferathome]

Forget the happy horesh!t talk. How about pragmatism? You're a cross dresser. it's a fact. suck it up.

[Alice Torn]

Rachel, You look good in your avatar! I can relate all of what you are going through. I am six foot six, 240, and would love to go out in public more than once a year(Oct 31), but, like you, am a huge man in dress and heels! My height, hands, feet, and chin and forehead shout, "big dude in a dress!" My religion forbids crossdressing, so I have to hide it from them. You needed to vent, and it is ok to feel lousy sometimes about this thing. Its easy to look at everything through rose colored glasses, but reality sucks much of the time. It really sucks a lot more, for those in some other nations,now. Tomorrow's a new day I live near Rockford Ill.

[Melissa_59]

If you're rejecting yourself and everyone else, the simple question is "Why are you here?"

~Mel

[Dana3]

From one self loathing dude who wants, need, desires, dreams, fantasies, longs to dress in women's _________________ to another? All these posts certainly helped me. I'm really tired of trying to live up to the expectations of others ~ especially those that neither know me, want to know me, know nothing about me, what I've been through, gone through, lived through!

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Have I loathed myself? Yes! I have found that this "affliction" if you want to call it that has brought me many difficulties and mind boggling feelings throughout my life. Would I want to totally get rid of it? No way! At one time I did because I thought my life would be better. Instead I have embraced my feminine side and do what feels good for me and to hell with what society or people around me expect! Being a totally macho man for me would be a joke. Because I am not. I found peace and happiness in my own skin and like it that way. If you seriously want to be totally done with this, then so be it. But I also suspect, as has happened with me many years ago, there will be that nagging feeling to let loose and just be who you are. This is really not a curse, but one we can embrace and define who we are to find joy in our lives.

Cheryl

[docrobbysherry]

Funny u should post this today, Rachel. A good CD friend and I were out at a club last nite. Both single and hoping against hope to meet a GG as we r both straight. And, both lamenting how difficult it is for CD's to date GG's. Either we hide it from dates. In which case we'd be better off giving up dressing.
At that point we looked at each other. And, without saying a word, acknowledged the impossibility of that happening!

The alternative is revealing our "hobby" and actively seeking accepting GG's. Possible for my friend at her young age. Very unlikely for someone my advanced age.

Both of us discussed the antisocial and isolating sides of dressing. Unless you're trans, which we aren't, dressing CAN be unhealthy and self defeating for some individuals. Never mind that self infatuation and guilt may be involved.

Apparently, we both thot about it over nite. Hoping to come up with a practical solution. She summed it up in her email this AM: "It's simply a girlie thing that we can't get away from". Says it ALL for me!

If u find a happy solution to this CD addition, Rachel? Many of us r ALL EARS!

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Rachel, Self Loathing is something that can not be easy to deal with. I can understand not wanting to accept this is part of you. However in my opinion this will only cause more internal conflict. It maybe you have to accept its part of you without acting on the impulses. I would not use a self help book either. This is something to be helped by professionals.

If you don't try you will never solve your issues.

[Kate Simmons]

No one is forcing you to come to this Forum. Think about it. You must have doubts or you wouldn't have posted what you did. :straightface:

[Katey888]

Rachel - some useful and varied perspectives here - this rang a bell for me:


If you reject it all, good for you. This crazy duality isnt for everyone.

But it's not that easy to reject something that seems both so innate and something that many of us feel is a curse or burden rather than a blessing. I'm sure there are ways through without resorting to the guilt and shame path... been there and done that and have nothing positive to show for it. I might yet get to your stage, but I do feel that there must be better ways for you than simple repression and self-punishment. That sounds way too simplistic and medieval for me, and such a waste of energy and angst...

I hope you can find a way beyond your guilt and shame and to a more positive place... :hugs:

Katey x

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

What Kate Simmons said. There seems to be a slight thread of being on the edge of the entire isssue. You're still here, and you have vented some very personal feelings. That we can understand. Anyone here on this forum has questioned their gender and expression, and needs, at one time or another. I lose my enthusiasm too at different times.

If I may use as an example the boy struggling with the idea of being gay. Often, whether familiy. religion, or social structure causes one to suppress it, it's going to come out somehow. My psychologist once told me that about my own GID. It could come out in nasty, even criminal ways too.

maybe you need to sort this out with a professional. We here can only offer our own experiences and maybe a grain of advice. It does however seem that you want to repress something. That might not be healthy for you including physical reactions. I'm no professional but I know what it's been like for me and other friends.

I purged all of my fem stuff before. Actually my ex-wife did. And I felt empty afterward.

I'm 6'2" and would need some extensive facial surgery or a Hollywood makeup artist to have me pass in public. But that doesn't stop me from being myself at home. I just may venture out and let the world deal with my appearance.

Cheryl

[Maria 60]

Welcome to my life. Your still here as am I. I have excepted that someone made me this way and I only live once and don't look to much into it and try to enjoy and control it, I like to make sure my wife is happy and don't believe I want to put my kids into this and I am happy with what ever time I have to do it. You must ask yourself how much time and resources you are willing to go threw before you decide were you are going with this, or if you want to approach it at all. At the end of the day it's up to you and you can always come back here and we will always be here to give you advice.

[CynthiaD]

Well, if self loathing is your thing, I guess I wish you well with it. It certainly wouldn't be my choice. And it is a choice.

[Rachel52]

I don't think self loathing is a choice, it's an involuntary reflex. It protects me from making decisions that would humiliate myself.

I appreciate the responses from everyone. Often I get so discouraged, and the Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat just feels old and tired. Sometimes I need to hear that I'm not the only one on this forum that feels like this isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I almost hate to admit it, but I have a supportive wife who wants me feel comfortable with this and I can't. I know that a supportive spouse is the cross dressing winning lottery ticket, but the truth is that I'm ashamed to be seen by her like that. She has seen me dressed a thousand times and I am still embarrassed when she sees me. I feel so alone with this. This is solitary confinement. I get so bored sitting on the couch all day when I dress, watching television, having the same conversations in the same chat room. But I can't leave the house lest I subject myself to the torment of the world that sets it's sights on the giant man in a dress. So I sit on the couch with the shades drawn so my neighbors don't accidentally catch a glimpse of my 'authentic self'. It's a brick wall I smash up against every time I feel good enough to dress and it leads me to the same place every time. I feel good when I dress but I can't leave the house so I'm bored out of my mind.

I go to therapy and I go to a Transgender support group and I never feel better about any of this. I can't even dress when I go to the support group. I am even too embarrassed to be seen by a room full of trans women. When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

[LelaK]

You're very disappointed with your identity, or something like that, I take it.

If we get some of our values in early childhood,

as seems obvious in my case at least, as I had the thought at an early age that I wanted to be like my Mom, not like my Dad, before I knew anything about sexual differences,

it seems you may have had a similar experience to mine.

I don't know if you like to loathe yourself, or your body, but I rather like sadness for some reason, which I suspect has to do with my inability to be more girl-like too. I enjoy longing for the little girl that I was not able to be.

We seem to share valuing the beauty of womanhood or something close to that and so we have our regrets. But I'm glad I have those values of what I consider beauty.

Your wife seems to value your values too and I'm glad about that. I hope you don't mind crying, at least in private. Crying is very healing. I like to do it when I'm sad.

By the way, have you tried any virtual reality? I'm curious about that myself.

[Julie Denier]

Rachel - As much as I enjoy dressing, believe me, not a day goes by that I don't think about how much easier my life would be if the desire to dress up would just go away. And with a completely unsupportive spouse, I need to stay fully closeted at home and have to dress in secret. You are incredibly fortunate to have a supportive spouse who's willing to share this with you and a support group where you can exchange ideas with peers. My only regular window to our world is this forum, and while supportive and helpful, it can feel very isolating. I do hope you can find peace with yourself ...

[Amanda M]

Rachael - I shall be frank. You are NOT going to sort this out on your own. You are going to need some professional help, and I would suggest, specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Your post was an outpouring of feelings, of emotions. Our emotions are actually driven by our thoughts, not the other way round. Therefore if you can modify your thinking, your emotions will change. That is the way you should go.

[Maria 60]

I understand totally, that's what I tell my wife all the time. When I have time to dress, make up and all. It takes time and when done I sit on the couch with all the blinds closed, I tell my wife "all dressed and no where to go" all the hype waiting for days for this moment is now burned away. It's not easy, if I could snap my fingers and make it go away I would, trust me I would, but then I have my wife who calls it a blessing, that we have a closer relationship then our friends and not to many husbands cloths shop with there wife's and how much she loves buying me fem things and having a husband and a girlfriend, and we have been happily married thirty years because of this. The way I see it what I call a curse, my wife calls a blessing and wouldn't have it any other way. I guess sweet is not sweet if there was no sour. We must always look at the positive, trust me I know what your talking about, some days I just want to burst out of the front door totally dressed and yell out "I Am A CROSSDRESSER AND LOVE IT" but till that day I guess I will be sitting on couch dressed and nowhere to go. I hope you u cheer up, there's worst things in life.

[Dianne S]

Rachel,

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. IMO cross-dressing is not the pathology; self-loathing is. I think you need to work on that first. Good luck.

[rachael.davis]

"my feminine side is a blessing" hocus pocus - ok in some ways you're right it's a challenge to your self identity, it's threatening, frightening, can destroy your life, I can go on for a while.
But so what?
If you want to stay in the same place feeling the same emotions for the rest of your life that would be your choice, but all told it's a pretty poor one.
The hiding, the solitude, the shame eat your soul, and leave nothing behind but bitterness, emptyness, and lonelyness - it's your choice to either accept that this is part of you and go on with your life or not.

[Krisi]

You are the one who dresses himself up as a woman.

If you don't want to dress as a woman, don't do it. Take control and responsibility for your own actions. If you lack the willpower to do this on your own, get professional help.

[Stephanie47]

I read some of your prior postings after I read your posting here. You do not appear to be the same person; man or woman. First, let me compliment you on the presentation pictures you posted. I suspect when you look into the mirror all you see is the guy. I know the feeling. That's why I do NOT get close to the mirror. With all sincerity you DO make an attractive woman.

You have an accepting wife. That's great. You're fortunate. My wife hides her head in the sand. The old DADT routine, which leaves me wondering a lot. Sometimes I wish she would just scream out something..anything..ah, the big elephant.

You're into counseling. Great! When I was in the self loathing mode. My marriage is going to go poof mode, I called a therapist. I spoke to her. I randomly picked her out of the phone book. That was it. More self loathing. At least your confronting your perceived shortcomings as a man.

You're in a support group. I could have used that three decades ago, but, there were none. I tried calling one in Seattle, but, the person who answered the telephone was not trained to answer a crisis line. He was a total f--king jerk.

I do not know you. But, from what I can glean from your post, you may be trying too hard to make cross dressing a part of your life. If you do not like what you see and do, such as, sitting around watching television with your wife, why do you do it? One of the problems I see with this entire cross dressing thing is trying to fit the perceive mold established by some who are telling us they do all sorts of things en femme, 24/7 365 days a year. It is not like that.

If you do not detest your maleness, like I read some here espouse, then put on your dirty man jeans, flannel shirt and hunting vest and boots and go for a walk with your wife. I'm sure she would enjoy the attention. I'm sure you would also enjoy her attentions.

This entire cross dressing thing for the vast majority of us needs to be undertaken with moderation. I'm not telling you to resist the cross dressing urges, but, just enjoy the moment when it does arise in a meaningful manner.

Balance, balance!

[Dana3]

I once read where a fellow CD'r stated ~

"I don't think there's anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about dressing as a woman because I don't think being women have anything to be embarrassed nor ashamed of. Even factoring out cross dressing, people that are so closed and narrow minded as to reject you because we're cross dressers, probably aren't people that we would want and or need in our lives anyway?

If channeled properly it can make us more of HUMAN not less of what we already are. Its doesn't have to be all about dressing per say, but in recognizing and owning an innate part of ourselves that has been choked off by societal, cultural and religious conditioning and hang-ups.

If others have a problem with it? Then that's what it is!

Their problem. Not ours.

[Amy Fakley]

My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

Oh yeah, it sucks bigtime. I do know exactly what you're talking about.

I wish I knew what it was like to waltz through this life blissfully unaware of the gender compartment I've been crammed into, because I just fit inside it so neatly that it never even crossed my mind. Every f-ing minute day I wish I knew that, but I don't, and I never will. I'd venture to guess from your post, that neither will you. That's just not the ticket we drew in the genetic lottery (or whatever causes this ... does it even matter? because no matter how you slice it, it's not like we ever got a say in the matter).

I can't offer you any practical solution to your problem. And I can see how the TED-talk skittle-farting "it gets better yadda yadda yadda" crap can wear on your nerves when you've gone to the abyss emotionally. You gotta realize, however that the reason so many people dig what those guys are saying is because they're not wrong. That's not to say they're necessarily right either, but there's a grain of truth amongst all the showmanship.

About all I can tell you is how I've come to terms with it, and that's basically "you can laugh about it or you can cry about it".

I've lived long enough in my own skin on this Earth to know for sure that whatever the hell this is inside me, it's not going away. No amount of force can destroy this. I can't self-loathe it away. I can't starve it out. I can't "man up" enough. I can't change who I am, I've tried too many different ways and too many damn times.

The only thing I can really control is how I choose to feel about it. That is a choice for me. Perhaps it's different for you, but I hope not.
Dwelling on the sucky aspects of it seldom helps me in that regard.

I hope you manage to find your way back into a happy place, soon. It beats the hell out of the alternative.

[natcrys]

...

This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. [-]The[/-] My truth is that this sucks for me and it's hard for me and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could.

...

There, FTFY.

I'm really sorry you feel this way.. but I sense something in your writing that makes you sound less resolute.

You write that you go to meetings and that you are in therapy. However, it also seems you have closed yourself off completely for anything to change. If that is the case.. then all the supporting meetings and therapy won't have any effect on you.

You have a supportive spouse.. consider yourself blessed and start working on opening yourself up... even it if it's just a smidgen. You're not alone in this, you don't have to be.

Do we get to decide with which genes and body we start our life? No.. this is the hand we're dealt with.. and given the circumstances... ANY hand can win the game!

[ReluctantDebutant]

Hi, Rachel52

I know just how you feel. This has never felt right for me either. And the whole "Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat" never made me feel any better about this. No you are not alone in this feeling. Almost three years ago a made a decision to stop dressing. It wasn't easy but I have found it is more like diet and exercise as you work at it, it gets easier and better. No I haven't turned to drink or drugs, I don't hate Cross-dressers nor do I think they all should quit. Nor do I feel like I am repressing happiness or anything else. I used to do that years ago during many failed attempts to quit. This feels liberating. I am starting to get that feeling that CDing truly doesn't have control of my life. I can Cross-dress tomorrow and not care or never cross-dress for the rest of my life and not care.Life is not about being a cross-dresser or not being a cross-dresser its about doing what truly makes you happy.

[Alice Torn]

Rachel, I often feel like you do, only I am a 60yo bachelor, with almost no friend, and no wife. Isolation is my norm, though as a man, i do interact with the public, and my difficult family of origin. Being way below poverty level is a real painful bummer for me, too. Perhaps, you and i could meet, as two "giant men in dresses", and just laugh it off!

[NicoleScott]

I'm wondering why you feel as you do. Religious upbringing? Strict binary sex/gender upbringing? Many CDers here have said that they wish they weren't CDers, but they make the best of the cards they were dealt. Why do you have trouble accepting this internal drive?

[Amanda22]

Do we get to decide with which genes and body we start our life? No.. this is the hand we're dealt with.. and given the circumstances... ANY hand can win the game!

I love this! Every single person I've ever known, cross dresser or not, has something in their life they must deal with and would rather it not be there. I would rather not be transgendered, but it isn't something I can make go away. Obviously, we each make a choice on dealing with cross dressing and/or being transgendered. I don't see what's wrong with looking at the positive side of things like Tony Robbins, or the other positive-sounding sources mentioned in this thread. People can use whatever tools and techniques result in happiness and fulfillment. Life is what you make of it and your happiness is up to you; it isn't something that "happens" to you out of the blue. And again, that goes for everyone, not just the gender-challenged. If that's too "butterflies and sunshine" for some, then fine, keep sulking. People on this forum are far and away just trying to help, and it's sad when it's viewed negatively.

[LilSissyStevie]

The trouble with self-loathing or high self-esteem as a CD is that in both cases you take yourself too seriously. Crossdressing is, at best, ridiculous and none of us are above ridiculousness. Learn to laugh at yourself and move on. It's always better to err a little on the side of self-loathing, IMO. No progress can be made if everything is just wonderful.

[Michelle Charles]

Hi Rachel, I feel something of what you feel. I am way overweight and don't pass, but I love getting dolled up. I have found ways to proveide dressing relief or vents so to speak, where it meets the needs I feel is a substantial enough way to be satisfied. Knowing all life has limits in many ways, find some happiness in the girl time you do have, then revert without shedding a tear, knowing life goes on as a male. Sounds like you are looking for some type of balance in all this. I agree with you, it is not PInk Fog all the time, I many times want a bit more, but have found ways to be satisfies where I am! Maybe start with your wife, just be the best girlfriend a wife ever had!!

[Alice Torn]

Little Sissy Stevie, You hit it, a home run! My problem, and everyone in my family's problem, is no healthy humor, and always taking ourselves EXTREMELY seriously! I am my own WORST enemy, as are some others on here, and i suppose everyone in the human race. If I, and some of us on here can let go, and just have fun, and be humorous about our dressing, we would be better off. Of course, there may be genetic depression like i have, brain disorders, with chemistry, and another thing, is being mistreated or abused in childhood, and later in life. My alcoholic, morose, anti social, people hating self centered father, was beaten up by a priest, and had a harsh father, and a smothering mother. He never wanted me, as i was the last kid, and unexpected. I learned to survive, not to talk, trust, or feel, and be shut down. These type of things affect a man all his life, and makes it very difficult to have a healthy sense of self, and sense of humor. Heaven help us to learn to laugh at ourselves. One time i was out, years ago, I went to a dollar store, then a grocery store, and opened up to the girls working there, laughing at myself, releasing the pressure.

[Tracy Hazel Lee]

Ummm.... Am I the only one who can't get my brain around why anyone would intentionally do something that they don't actually like?

Especially when it creates such emotional negativity? If I thought I liked something, tried and didn't like it (for whatever reason), that's it. No reason to ever do it again. If I start thinking about it again (not likely), I would remind myself how much I didn't like it last time.

If one does not have the capacity to make this decision, there's definitely something wrong going on with how or why the decisions are being made in the first place.

[julie marie1]

Why reject who you are? I spent many years feeling there was something wrong with me because I like to dress in women's clothing. It is true that if people knew this side of myself they would likely be shocked and respond accordingly. Right now, dressed in a nicely fitting black dress with pearls and makeup I feel good. However, if I was dressed in a way where clearly I was a man in women's clothing I might feel negative about the experience.

[Alice Torn]

Tracy, There have been quite a number of men on here, over the years i have ben on, that have a "love-hate" relationship with crossdressing, lots of conflict. Not all on here do, for sure.

[Tanya+]

i am guessing there are plenty of women, through age, body-shape or masculine-featured, who experience the same self loathing for not measuring up to their gold standard. Being a big masculine guy puts you far from how you 'should' be. For me i had to marry the reality of my male shape, to the reality of my need desire. Vipassana meditation and some other Buddhist meditation retreats eventually gave me enough self understanding to stop hating myself. But the next thing i needed was someone else who could love me. When i found her and she loved my most shameful parts i cried my guts out. SoYou have found someone who loves you and dearly hopes you will find the skills to love yourself. So Vipassana meditation is my suggestion. It is a process not a miracle. I got there because my self loathing was intolerable, and i didn't want it to be fatal.

[bimini1]

This can be a mutha when you realize all the world is against you. Everyone in all your relationships would turn on you if they knew. There is just no place in the real world for it. The weight of that very thought can drive you into a constant battle of the mind. Some days I win the battle some days I lose. You want to dress but you've been programmed your whole life against it.

Your mind can carry you into some deep emotional turmoil. The act itself seems somehow irrational, and how you've come to feel about it even more of the insanity.
It will frazzle your nerves if you let it. I do ok most of the time but sooner or later I head for a meltdown. But they are further and fewer between.

Why do something that makes you feel bad? That's what my mom used to say. There is some truth in it but........you can never get enough of what you don't really want.
Insanity.

[DebbieL]

I don not share the enthusiasm that many here express nor do I intend to unwind any progress many have made towards self acceptance and the like. I don't accept this part of myself, in fact I wholly reject it.

There are two possibilities. One is that you are a "troll", trying to stir up a knee jerk reaction by sharing things you know will be upsetting".
The other, which I'm far more concerned about is that you may be a hard core transsexual who is on the verge of a crisis.


These impulses and needs of mine have isolated me from a world which simply has zero space for a giant man emasculating himself, parading himself around presenting himself to be something he is not nor ever will be.

I know this feeling way too well. Until I was 11, I didn't have testes. I really hoped that I could still be a girl, that the teeny weeny was just a mistake and it would go away, or the doctor would just cut it off and let me be a girl. Then I they dropped, I grew hair, I got big and tall, I hot a bass voice. I hated myself so much I wanted to kill myself, and tried on a regular basis.

What made the matter even worse, my therapists refused to talk to me about the gender dysphoria. Which made me hate and mistrust the therapy community even more. At one point I had swallowed 1/4 lb of ground glass, didn't tell anyone for 4 days, then finally talked to my therapists about it. They were thinking about locking me up. When they asked me what was going through my mind when I did this, especially when I didn't tell anyone, I told them I wanted to be a girl, and death seemed the only remaining option left. They told me "we can't talk about that, we're not allowed".

You post sounds like a SCREAM for help, and I can't advise you strongly enough to speak to a professional therapist who has a good knowledge of gender dysphoria issues.
If necessary, go to the nearest LGBT center and get the names of the therapists from them. You should do it before the end of the week.


I am saturated in shame and if one more person recylcles the same tired tropes of Tony Robbins TED Talk love myself, know myself, psycho-academic nonsense I will barf. I hate this shit. I am not inspired, I am not a special flower who expresses myself in perfectly natural ways. I am alone but safe.

Right now, trite self-help psychobabble and platitudes would be like putting a band-aid on a severed limb. You might even consider calling the Laura's Playground help line this week-end. I won't even tell you some of the things I did the last time I started thinking like you are now, because I don't want to give you any ideas or inspirations. My doctor threatened to call the police unless I checked into the local hospital immediately.

I'll also send you a PM with some resources.

[CherylFlint]

It's not like, you know, a choice.
So be nice to yourself: make the best of it.
Relax. Have a good time.
Have fun.
You think it's easy being a CD? Anything but: just deal with the hand you're dealt with, and do the best you can, it's all any of us can do.
Keep a positive outlook.

[Kaze_]

When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

I can relate to this too well.

I've accepted myself as a cross dresser... It still feels a little weird when the realization crosses my mind, but I no longer feel any shame. Despite this I am deeply, deeply closeted and don't have any plans to change this.

Though in the past I've had, and still have to a degree, severe problems with self loathing and suicidal episodes. I blame this mostly on an already weak structure being put through a terrible childhood. This was never related to cross dressing, however. I can't say how I cope(d) now that I think about it... I just kind of run through life on auto pilot.

I too am alone, I've been alone my whole life. I've been alone since I was raised by a single mother who worked all the time and the time she was there was fights more often than not. I was alone in early school years due to stigma in a small town after nasty divorce of my parents, I was alone in later school because I was broken from my early school experience and problems at home. I've never had a real friend in my life, and I've had so many people in my life take advantage of my kindness. I let someone in close to me for the first time a couple years ago, I let them close and invested emotionally into them deeply... They turned right around and dumped me in the trash as soon as they were done with me after years.

I have no friends, I've disowned the majority of my family. I have no one.

I have not one friend on this earth right now.

At least you have a supporting wife.

[Samantha_Smile]

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!


Why are you always such an ass to people?
This poor person is stuck, trapped probably depressed and you choose to say that?
Have a word with yourself :Angry3:


I don't think self loathing is a choice, it's an involuntary reflex. It protects me from making decisions that would humiliate myself.

I appreciate the responses from everyone. Often I get so discouraged, and the Trans-sorority 'You-go-Girl!' drumbeat just feels old and tired. Sometimes I need to hear that I'm not the only one on this forum that feels like this isn't all rainbows and lollipops. I almost hate to admit it, but I have a supportive wife who wants me feel comfortable with this and I can't. I know that a supportive spouse is the cross dressing winning lottery ticket, but the truth is that I'm ashamed to be seen by her like that. She has seen me dressed a thousand times and I am still embarrassed when she sees me. I feel so alone with this. This is solitary confinement. I get so bored sitting on the couch all day when I dress, watching television, having the same conversations in the same chat room. But I can't leave the house lest I subject myself to the torment of the world that sets it's sights on the giant man in a dress. So I sit on the couch with the shades drawn so my neighbors don't accidentally catch a glimpse of my 'authentic self'. It's a brick wall I smash up against every time I feel good enough to dress and it leads me to the same place every time. I feel good when I dress but I can't leave the house so I'm bored out of my mind.

I go to therapy and I go to a Transgender support group and I never feel better about any of this. I can't even dress when I go to the support group. I am even too embarrassed to be seen by a room full of trans women. When I say to my wife or my therapist that I don't have any friends, it isn't because I want sympathy. I'm saying it as a matter of fact. Friendships require vulnerability and I can't let anybody get close to me so I don't let anybody in. My guard is always up and I am constantly in self protect mode. This all feels so hopeless and depressing and my point isn't to try and drag everyone down, because it definitely is not. My point, I guess, is to counter weight all the pink fog 'my feminine side is a blessing' hocus pocus. The truth is that this sucks and it's hard and I hate it and I would carve it right out of me if I could. But I can't, so onward I march towards another day of hiding and solitude. Thanks again for your time reading my thoughts and responding to them.

Rach, it's like you're typing what's in my head and you're freaking me out with it. LOL
I've not visited support groups though, I find my judgement and personal decision making is skewed when I try to assimilate myself with a group that I rarely have anything in common with other than the need to get girly.

The truth is there ARE two sides to this, but for whatever reason, your brightside has been darkened.
You should take stock and remember - you have a supportive wife, where would you be without her knowledge of this side of you? Probably chasing every spare 45 minute window to throw on some undies, a dress and a wig.
You have the support of your peers, yeah, ok, we're not friends in the sense of emotional vulnerability, but we care.
I found things improved for me vastly when I told an old old friend of many years (we grew up on the same street) and having her know, accept and actually LIKE me as Samantha means almost as much as a tolerant/supportive SO.
It sounds like you need reminding that there are people in your life who love you for who you are, including the part they dont know about because, ultimately, that part they don't know about goes a long way to making you the person who you are.

On a serious note, I am concerned you may be falling/have fallen into a depression here.
It might be good to speak to your GP and just ask them to do a quick mini-mental exam on you just to see your state of mind.
Feelings of hopelessness don't vanish by themselves, you need to re-establish your worth and keep moving, standing still gets you no-where

Feel free to PM me if you want a chat
Take care
Sam
xx

[katie elouise]

Your bad attitude is showing. Clearly a lot of water has flowed under the bridge since your last posting almost 15 months ago.

If you are willing to share what has transpired, there are possibly people here [who have already worked through something similar] who might be able to offer encouragement or share advice.

Then it's totally up to you to READ or take any advice offered.

Good Grief, you are only 38!

This has got to be the single most DESTRUCTIVE comment I have come across on this forum .

[Lorileah]

closing this because it is getting to be a flaming war.