My Wife Erupted - a very REAL risk of REAL transition.

[Anne2345]

My wife just blew up on me. Again. And she went for the jugular. Again.

Some of you know how it goes, because you've been through it yourself - the yelling, the anger, the accusations, the vitriol, the seething hatred and the stark, unfiltered intensity of incredibly hurtful and sharply pointed words that are designed to cut deep and inflict much damage.

I'm selfish she screamed. I care about nobody but myself she yelled. I'm destroying my nine year old daughter's life she shouted. And I couldn't give a %#$ about *any* of it, she alleged with pure venom, spite, and malice dripping heavily from each overly inflected and dramatically pronounced word.

But this time, it was different. She went for the kill shot. The sniper rifle shot straight to the head.

She has peripherally used my daughter against me in her "arguments," but this time she was more direct. I will single-handledly ruin our daughter's life beyond repair, and it will be exclusively my fault because I am too selfish and insist on transitioning, she emphatically proclaimed.

I tried to reason with her. I tried to be rational. I tried to keep my calm. I tried to keep my responses and comments free of counter-attack intonations and words.

But she was too lost in her intensity. The volcano had erupted and was going full-force.

She threatened to "destroy" me in our community, and paint me before my world as the evil bad guy, I picked up my car keys and phone and wallet and walked out as she continued to verbally abuse me.

When I went outside, I quickly discovered I had forgotten my sunglasses. Head hung low, I turned back to go back in my house to retrieve them. My wife wouldn't have it. She locked me out of my own damn house. She even ran to the back of the house and locked that door. Still, I wanted my sunglasses. And at that point, I did not want her to believe I could be locked out of the house - so I went in through a side door that was open, and went to retrieve my glasses.

As I did so, she continued to scream and make threats against me. I quietly collected my sunglasses. As I did so, she screamed if I did not leave right then that she was calling the police. She held her phone up to emphasize, and over-dramatically so, that she was about to dial 911.

And to any of you that would point out to me that I have every right to be in my house, and that I cannot be compelled to leave it under these circumstances - that is completely and totally NOT the point. So don't ANY of you go there. I am well aware of my rights and the law as it relates to such issues.

But that she would so callously, recklessly, and hatefully USE MY DAUGHTER against me in this way - WTF??!!

WTF???????!!!!!!!

So I'm currently sitting in my car in the parking lot of some random convenience store. I have a HUGE headache right now, and I am typing this post on my iphone. I also feel like melting away into nothingness.

Still, this changes nothing in so far as my transition is concerned.

But to those of you who are contemplating this path, or think this path is cool and fun and neat, this shit is real life. These things happen. Transition can completely blow up lives, and the lives of those around you.

Growing your nails long, keeping your hair shoulder length, underdressing, or getting your ears pierced and then frolicking around proclaiming to the world how fun and awesome it is to be a "woman" is a complete and total crock of horse shit. THAT is NOT transition. THAT is fantasy. And it's not the same. It's not even in the same damn ballpark.

Do this if you must, and ONLY if you must. Because in all likelihood, this will be the hardest thing you will ever do. And it sucks.

With that said, it's still worth it. Despite the high cost associated with my obsessive and necessary quest for personal authenticity, I know this is RIGHT for me, that I will get through this, and that I will be much better off for it all. But that ain't the point, either . . . .

For most, this journey comes at an incredibly steep, high price, and much is lost along the way. In the beginning, I thought I might be the exception. I am not the exception. And if you do this, do so knowing that as much as you have convinced yourself that YOUR circumstances are different, and that YOUR life will somehow just magically fall into place and all will be well with the world and hugs and kisses and glitter and unicorns for everyone - know that it will not be different. Know that the deck is completely stacked against you from the very beginning, no matter how those first, small initial victories may temparily boost your hope and have you believe otherwise.

Because that's not real life. That's not how this goes down. It's not how it works.

As for the exceptions - I am truly happy for them, as we all should be. But they are exceptions because they are not the norm. And that's just the way it is . . . .

[Andy66]

Anne, Im so sorry for what youre going through. My opinion, fighting and anger are probably worse for a childs state of mind than transition could be. Plenty of kids have bi-gendered or transgendered parents, and are close to them, and have decent lives.

[Sandra]

I am sorry that your wife is using your daughter in her arguments it's just not right. I agree with Andy in that the fighting and anger is probably having more affect on your daughter than you transition, just wish your wife could see that.

[stefan37]

Yeah this stuff gets real very fast. Your wife is obviously very angry, and will just likely stay angry for a long period of time. Regardless of what your says, your daughters life will not be ruined. It will change and the relationship dynamics will change and many times will be better.
It is an emotional rollercoaster for all involved. Not just us, but all those that we are close to.

It will get much worse before it gets better. And it very well may get extremely messy. Keep your eye on your goal. Reach out to your friends for support to get through the difficult times. You will weather the storm and come out stronger.

Stay strong girl.

[docrobbysherry]

Anne, I'm sure you're aware that this is NOT about your daughter and completely about your soon to be ex and u? Not knowing anything about either of u I can only comment that she MAY or MAY NOT believe u r hurting your daughter. But, wishes to hurt u in either case. Because she has been hurt for sure!

Somewhere down the line I hope the 2 of u can work out a satisfactory arrangement for sharing your daughter. If not, your (ex) may do everything in her power to keep her away from u as punishment. If u love your daughter and wish to remain in her life, please be sure u get good legal advise ASAP!

As u said so eloquently, the road to transition is like a WWII battlefield. And, u will need the best planning, positive attitude, and stubborn sticktoativeness to succeed. I wish u all the best in your difficult journey ahead. Remember, many others here have made or r making the same journey. And, that ALL OF US r very sympathetic!

[Suzanne F]

Anne
Breathe! I am sitting here with my wife and we have been through this. She was afraid I would ruin our 11 year old sons life. It hasn't . I think he is better off now. It may not work with your wife. I know this is painful. However, it will be fine with your daughter if you keep talking and being with her. Ultimately she will see the real you and that is better! Please know that you are not alone.
Hugs
Suzanne

[Tamara Croft]

Whilst your at the store can you pick up some BACON please? :heehee:

Ok, on a serious note (you lot shut up, that was a joke between me and Anne ;) ) It is pretty obvious she's screaming at you and using your daughter against you because she is hurt, very hurt, she's probably going to have a nervous breakdown if she carries on like that too. She shouldn't be screaming like that and using the daughter is just a low blow, because she knows it will hurt you. Unfortunately, women do use children to inflict the harshest of pain to others, because they know it normally works.

Anne, you really need to put a stop to this, she is teaching your daughter that screaming and shouting is what you should do when you don't want something to happen, she's teaching her to be judgmental, abusive etc and this is not good. Is your daughter actually in the house when she's having these screaming fits at you?

[Persephone]

Words can't really convey how I feel after reading your post. All I have is an e-hug. :hugs:

Sincerely,
Persephone

[JessicaJHall]

I have zero experience with transitioning, from where I sit it looks extremely hard, but since you feel it's worth it, then it must be.

I do have experience with divorce, however (not over the CD thing), and I can tell you that no matter what she says or does, to, or around the kids, you are still a beloved parent to them, and that will never change, so ignore the attempt at hostage taking and don't let it complicate things. You are already simultaneously experiencing two of the hardest things you will probably ever do, and that's plenty!!

This is very serious and if there's a chance, you should try to save the marriage. But if you think the relationship can't be salvaged, don't spare any expense, get the H out of there, and get the best lawyer money can buy, and remember this:
"Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it."
And unlike what she will probably do, always speak kindly of her around the kid, take the high road, because that's their biological Mom. It will help your relationship with them, and if she insists on burning you at the stake, it will only reflect badly on her.

It may not seem like it for quite some time, but it gets better.

[Simone's Lil' Sis]

Been there, done that. Your wife is devastated. Did she know when you asked her to marry you that one day you would no longer be the man she married, instead someone she does not know? Your daughter is hurt as well. I truly hope that all works out for the best for your family. I will pray for you, your wife and your daughter. *Things Happen for a Reason.

[KellyJameson]

Psychological stability was something I was always seeking even before I understood that it was being an untransitioned transsexual that was the root cause of my instability.

It is unfortunate that seeking this stability by transitioning potentially destabilizes those around us whose lives are enmeshed with ours.

There is a great deal of guilt that goes with transitioning for those who are aware and care about the hurt they are "causing" even though it is the act and not the person that creates the hurt.

For those who fight transitioning to not hurt others and keep themselves in sickness all they do is remain a type of Zombie going through the motions of life.

Not transitioning is being a part of the walking dead because you can never fully experience yourself. Being a woman requires living as one so that what is outside of you shapes the inside and the inside shapes the outside.

It is a dance between the self and the world the self lives in that mirrors and shapes each other.

I always worry more for those transitioning with young children.

Your wife is simply wrong in saying that your transitioning will harm your daughter "as the physical act of transitioning"

What will harm your daughter is being made to choose who her loyaties and love will be placed in. Feeling like she is being pulled in one direction or the other and made to choose who she "can love" and "who she cannot love"

You and your wife are both fighting for your lives and unfortunately this means possibily against each other.

Your wife calls you selfish because of what she is losing that she "selfishly wants to hold onto"

In my opinion no one is wrong because each is fighting for the same thing "life".

I once almost drowned and in my panic I pushed my best friend under the water in an attempt to reach the surface. Fortunately I was saved by an adult close by and my friend chastised me for pushing him under. I still carry the guilt of that moment but it was an important life lesson.

We are all struggling to live and those with a conscious do their best not to hurt others while attempting to live fully and completely

Transitioning is seeking and creating the circumstances to be able to finally live.

It does place a person in a moral quandary that feels like one is playing God in deciding who will live and who will die, who will be harmed and who will be hurt.

It is a terrible place to have to be because for those with a conscious it tears them apart as much as the gender dysphoria.

Always remember that if you want to live, that life is not a choice.

Once we consciously understand our subconscious torment we are compelled to act on it by transitioning to the degree that releases us from the pain and into life.

Your wife still thinks you have a choice but you never did. Understanding only changes the expression of gender dysphoria toward transitioning.

We trade the depression and anxiety and all the other destructive forms of mental illness that come out of living wrong bodied for the possibility of hope.

You may still suffer from mental illness but at least it will not be because you were born into it as an aspect of your gender.

Fight for your daughter but don't let go of yourself.

If you think about it this is really the first time you have "consiously" put yourself first in your life as an aspect of your suffering in seeking a solution.

You may have hurt others out of your subconscious pain that made you act selfishly but from that place you may not hold yourself "as responsible" because it was the depression or anxiety doing it.

Transitioning is a conscious continuation of this pain that "selfishly seeks healing"

No one has the right to ask you to remain sick for their benefit and we should not command it of ourselves either.

Ultimately it is futile to do so because all are impoverished by a life unlived and unsung.

In the end you will have far more to offer your daughter than you did in the past.

[Kimberly Kael]

Oh, Anne, I'm so sorry. I am very glad to hear you've removed yourself from the situation in the short run. That's probably the best reaction to that kind of unreasoning anger. I wish I had a magic wand to wave to address the challenges you're facing but you know the reality. Only you and your wife can work this out. The one pathetic piece of advice I have is to give it time with as little pressure as you can apply. She is hurting and dealing with a situation she never expected to face. She needs space, time, empathy, and support, and there's still zero guarantee it will ever be okay between you. Challenging her regarding your daughter seems less than likely to help matters.

Here's hoping tomorrow, next week, next month and beyond bring some relief for both of you.

[Bria]

Anne, I can only say that my prayers go for you and your family.

Hugs, Bria

[Kris Avery]

Like Julie, I have seen the children used as leverage in a messy marriage and.....personally, ultimately, in divorce.
You are a good parent. The kids will see that someday....but it will likely be a while before they see this completely.

I have kids that are living either on their own or so me, and there between 1-3 years post 'ex. They are just now starting to come around.

[MonicaJean]

I’m so sorry Anne :( Sounds like your wife has deeper emotional issues than meet the eye, because this isn’t just anger, it sounds like rage from a BPD-type personality.

My prayers are for you and your daughter that in the end, you’ll be stronger because of all this, even though it sure does suck now :(

[JohnH]

I'm sorry that this had to happen.

If your wife has been regularly blowing up at you because of your transition, you may have the situation where only divorce is relief.

I had a previous marriage where I could not be myself. My ex-wife was always nagging me to death. I did NOT transition in anyway in that marriage. The way she left me was cold - I went to visit my parents for a week and then I came back to read a note on the kitchen island that I would be hearing from her lawyer. I have never seen her face to face after that.

You really have to be yourself. With my experience I was chronically depressed and suicidal, and my current wife suggested I go on M2F HRT, which has made a tremendous difference in my life. So I understand in a small way your need to transition.

Even if you did not transition your wife may have found fault with you in your depressed state and forced you out anyway.

Remember: Fifty percent of all marriages in end in divorce. That is not a pretty statistic but remember you are not in a unique position where you and your wife may be divorced.

I hope things will come around between you and your wife.

Take care,

Johanna Anna

[PretzelGirl]

Anne, you know you always have my heart and my ear when needed. You did the right thing. You have to carefully plan how to proceed without emotions totally overtaking your thoughts and driving the path, possibly in the wrong direction. If you stay your path and maintain yourself, love will continue to win out. Your daughter loves you. But I am with Tamara. Are these fits occurring in front of her? A child should never be pulled between their parents. My thoughts are with you.

:

[LeaP]

Hmmm, bacon ...

Anne - again? I think the outburst is so predictable now that it must be helping with your sleep problems. Except the volume, of course. But there you were, calm and collected, you walked out, paused and thought "oh yes, shades ..." And back you went, as deadpan as Andy Warhol on Valium. You don't even particularly seem to have melted down after. What is your brand of estradiol?

Seriously, the police threat raises the stakes. As you are well aware indeed, a wife - especially one like yours - can make certain accusations stick, if not permanently, at least long and firmly enough, to seriously disrupt anything rational in such things as short-term living arrangements and child visitation. You need some protection, and not the Italian kind. This needs more than documentation (which you've done to a degree here), and perhaps it needs pre-emptive action. You know I'm not an advocate of escalation, but you could minimally look into a temporary (and formal) agreement of some sort.

[Dawn cd]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Anne. You need to protect yourself emotionally from such fury and venom. Maybe more distance is needed. At the same time you need to be conscious that the anger is most likely driven by fear. And fear is something that we CAN respond to.

[Cheyenne Skye]

Anne, I am sorry to hear this happened to you. It sounds quite reminiscent of the few months leading up to my official split with my ex - wife. Thankfully, we had no children to emotionally scar. But my wife made similar threats about calling the cops. She didn't right away though. She appeared to calm down and we began discussions about an amicable split. Then about three months later, she tells me she is having a real estate agent coming by to talk about selling the house. I waited a couple hours, and gave up. I went down the street to my sister's house. I was there about an hour when we had a knock on the door. It was sheriff's deputies serving me with a restraining order. She had twisted things around and made them think I was going to hurt her. The obviously feminist judge said that she had to err on the side of the woman. The judge held up her order for a year. I appealed and won but I didn't get back into the house until five months later. Of course by then, an amicable split was out of the question.

I know it sounds bad, but you need to follow Lea's advice and start covering your ass now. You never know when the next blowout will happen or what crazy crap she might try. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[MichelleOBrien]

OMG, that's craziness! Aside from what everyone else has already stated, I hope that things have, at this point, calmed somewhat. It's a damn shame that she'd try to use your daughter against you like that, but I kinda know how that goes.

What you need to remember most of all, though, is that despite your wife's arguments, your daughter simply needs to know that your love for her won't change, and that if she has *any* problems or questions, she can come to you. Given that she knows and understands this, your wife's argument is null, and is simply a desperate attempt to guilt you into fitting into your wife's mold of "how things should be".

[traci_k]

Anne, My heart goes out to you too. You are so right when you get down to the nitty gritty of transition. It's not a piece of cake, walk in the park. People tend to take it badly and often times will try to hurt you, threaten to ruin your life and fight dirty. On the other hand, it is as Kelly says, if your GD is severe enough, if you don't transition, you become a Zombie, one of the walking dead. (I know - I am one.) Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Hang in there hon. Hopefully it will get better but know there are many here who care about you.

HUGS,

[CostaRicaRachel]

Anne, I'm so, so sorry for you. But you are right. With this GD issue, it seems like
we are in an impossible situation. I cannot possibly transition and I cannot
not transition. It is just so, so hard. I just hope things get better and work out
for you in the end. I really cannot give you any advice. But I think I understand
what you're going thru and I wish I could help.

Rachel

[Angela Campbell]

My first wife did that with our kids. She didn't know about this though or she would have used it for sure. She did accuse my son of molesting my daughter and went to family services causing a lot of trouble. She beat me and the kids and called the police multiple times. I eventually got a restraining order on her

$20k later i was divorced and paying her 2/3 of my salary. The kids still avoid her. I have not spoken to her for 20 years.
Get a good lawyer. It will get ugly. Take the high road and it will be better one day.

[Emma Beth]

My heart goes out to you Anne.

Now I have never directly dealt with divorce, and I don't have kids. However, from my own observations of those around me as I grew up I can say that she is both wrong and right. She is wrong by using your daughter as a weapon to hurt you. For that I cry for your daughter, because it can hurt being caught in the middle and there may come a point where she may blame herself because of what your wife is doing. I hope this doesn't happen.

I say that she is right because she most likely feels that you are ruining her life by transitioning and if her life is ruined then other lives must be ruined also.

It's a situation that just stinks worse than a three day elephant turd that has just dropped into your lap.

Those of us that are here, are here for you. You can have my shoulder to lean on if you want, or I will lend you an ear if that's what you need; even though we don't know each other very well. I'm sure there are others here that will do the same as there are some who have offered already.

I sincerely hope that you find that silver lining that is there somewhere. I don't see it, but I'm sure it's there is one somewhere.

Liz

[Kathryn Martin]

She has peripherally used my daughter against me in her "arguments," but this time she was more direct. I will single-handledly ruin our daughter's life beyond repair, and it will be exclusively my fault because I am too selfish and insist on transitioning, she emphatically proclaimed.

I tried to reason with her. I tried to be rational. I tried to keep my calm. I tried to keep my responses and comments free of counter-attack intonations and words.

I would disagree with most posters here. You have to be aware and should have been aware that nothing will be spared. We have talked about this before, it is the slow and painful destruction of a paradigm remember. Nothing is off the table, there is not a jugular that will not be gone for. The reason why this hurts so much and causes so much pain is because in what your wife says to you there is some truth. In stepping on the path for transition you have stopped to give both her and your child the weight in your consideration that your wife feels they deserve. The only comfort you can draw from all of this is that it is what it is. It is not made up, it's not some fantasy but we all pay in some coin for putting our search for authenticity first. To others that looks like serious selfishness. Being a dad means to be a dad and your wife cannot even begin to imagine a world, a life in which the dad becomes a mom - cannot imagine a world in which a husband becomes a female partner. Unfortunately, in this, they owe us nothing because we breached the covenant.

I would agree with Lea, it's time to get a lawyer and time for her to get a counselor and a lawyer. In the end it's all about the child and what is in her best interest. Neither one of you count.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sorry Anne..

Really so sorry...

It is what it is...that is something my ex said many times...it actually got her to a better place over time...

It is hugely concerning that your wife is INSERTING your child into all this... her concern, her fear, her anger...all of them are fair game...but to put you out?? in front of you D?????

If your daughter remembers this, it will blow back on your wife.. and that's something you don't want!!! you almost want to do your best to protect your wife from hurting her relationship with your D

over 6 years in my case (And we are all different), I experienced the rage but my ex never ever put the kids up into my face as a bargaining chip or an avatar for her rage

... she did say more than once I was destroying their lives(but never in front of them as far as I know)...but this is simply not the case..
you are destroying their view of the world but the outcome of that is far far from certain... the outcome will be almost certainly more nuanced than my dad transitioned and ruined my life..

you may be blamed for hurting her mom..but the more bitterness and anger that gets expressed in front of your D , the worse it will be for her mom....

I am sorry to say that in my experience the actual #1 predictor of how well your child will fare with all this is her mom.. that is so unfair to the mom (it is what it is)

... the dynamic is real...
we put our desperate need to live an authentic life above all else for a time... we hope people will not be hurt...we want to help them deal with the issue we've created for them (especially if we kept it from them).
your conclusions about what you are doing are valid.. the reality is that 3, 9, 17, 26, 44...doesn't matter the age... this will impact your child... and unfortunately the mom needs to deal with all her feelings and suck it up for her kid(s)...
its not easy... and like any break up...it can go very poorly and spin out of control... I'm just commiserating... all you can do is hire yourself a good lawyer and check what the laws are in your state...that faster you determine that there is or is not some basis in your state law for her to "take" your daughter the sooner you can figure out how to proceed..

The other thing you must do is protect your own good nature...I did that for myself and it helped a lot... my ex has always had a streak in her where there is a "woe is me" type of deal...she openly complains about many many things...over time, my kids got used to me... they still feel awkward sometimes but its almost never an issue (a nurse called me mom for example and talked about periods in front of me and D....that didn't play very well)... and as the kids have grown they see that I've taken care of them... they bounce their own issues off me...they complain about their mom to me...etc..(i'm sure its vice versa but that's families)...

so you want to think long term... protect your transition, protect your daughter, protect your wife, protect your rights... all as best you can... the future is way out there...is your daughter gonna be ok?? is she gonna graduate from high school with a good relationship with you and her mom?? those are the keys

[LeaP]

... You have to be aware and should have been aware that nothing will be spared. ... it is the slow and painful destruction of a paradigm ... Nothing is off the table, there is not a jugular that will not be gone for. The reason why this hurts so much and causes so much pain is because in what your wife says to you there is some truth. In stepping on the path for transition you have stopped to give both her and your child the weight in your consideration that your wife feels they deserve. ...

in this, they owe us nothing because we breached the covenant.



My perspective is a little bit different. Nothing is inevitable. Not the type of conflict and not the consequences. It is true, however, that you have no control over any of it – only influence – and that is actually how it should be. My best advice to you, Anne, is that any notion of control, no matter what form it takes, be strictly limited to things on which you cannot reach agreement. It is highly likely that every time you do go there, it will escalate the situation and harden lines. The only prayer you have of reaching whatever constitutes your best case outcome is for you to come across as bending and giving as much as you possibly can. We all know that still means there will be things that will be painful and likely impossible for your wife to accept. But one thing you are going to have to strive for is to never, ever walk out during a blowup like that (short of physical abuse). If that means you have to sit there and be silent or cry, then do that.

There is truth in what your wife says. I dislike the pejorative meanings of "selfish," but there is no doubt at all that transition is intensely self-focused. The first time I had a discussion about this with my therapist and she instantly responded that it is selfish, it took me aback for a second. Your reactions are coming from much the same perspective as your wife's. Being hurt and betrayed by her comments and lack support and empathy come from your expectations of the relationship also. From that standpoint, neither of you is at the point of dealing with the reality yet.

With due respect to the absolutists who may be lurking, if expectations and even covenants are serious things, the particulars are ephemeral in the end, having only the appearance of substance we give them. These are ideals and commitments of intentions, not sentences. A major underlying paradigm has truly been destroyed, as Kathryn indicated, but a covenant of marriage doesn't necessarily hang on it any more than a lot of other underlying assumptions. The meaning of covenant differs in time, in different cultures, and by individual. In that context, the notion of who owes what to whom is ridden with both conceptual and practical difficulties. Vows don't begin to capture such things and most people consider some ideals to be independent of, or superseded by other ideals anyway. Better to measure and test the limits of your own charity than judge someone else's. So I wouldn't dwell on the idea that they don't owe you so much as what you, in your little heart of hearts, judge to be the highest good and what you should do.

[edit]

My closing comment brought to mind a recent conversation. You didn't want my advice, but I'm going to give it to you anyway. Your needs and your wife's vested interests in knowing are not mutually exclusive. The fact that she might dislike something, react badly to it, or anything else is not in itself sufficient cause to act in stealth. Withholding anything from her that could affect her directly or consequentially is a serious risk. I will leave any consideration of its morality to you.

[Anne2345]

It is what it is, huh? Yep, I suppose that's a difficult observation to argue against . . . .

This is not the first time my wife has gone off on me. Such blow-ups, however, seem to be increasing in frequency and intensity. More often than not these days, when she is around, I find myself walking on eggshells, as if it has become second nature of me to do so. The incident yesterday was the worst blow-up to date.

Still, she *is* a good mother. And she *is* a good person. She is also I person whom I have spent the last twenty years of my life with. I want to believe in her, and the goodness that I know resides in her heart. I do not want to believe that she would go for my jugular with what is to come. I do not want to believe that she could take action against me that could jeopardize my relationship (or her relationship) with our daughter, or that could risk my daughter's well-being.

I get it, though. For better or worse, people are capable of doing damn near anything, and nothing should come as a surprise to me at this point in the game. And to be certain, within my career, I have witnessed folk time and time again - folk who are otherwise good, gentle-natured, loving, kind people - completely abandon the high road, throw out the rule book, get low down and dirty, and draw both guns out blazing.

Regardless, I do not begrudge my wife her hurt and frustration. This truly sucks for her, and I understand and acknowledge this. I also feel horrible about it, and I feel much guilt that my circumstances have place her in such an undesirable position.

I guess it is what it is, though, right?


And back you went, as deadpan as Andy Warhol on Valium. You don't even particularly seem to have melted down after.

You know, Lea, I didn't notice it at the time, but you are absolutely correct in your observation. Just to confirm - I neither melted down nor fell apart afterwards. This is not to say that I went out to play hopscotch or skip rope afterwards, either, because I did nothing of the sort. Yet, although I was oblivious to it at the time, now that you mention it, I believe that there may be something to that . . . .

Perhaps, though, it's nothing more than the mere recognition and acceptance of the reality of the impending demise of my marriage - ie, that this is *really* happening.

Either way, it is what it is, I suppose . . . .

[stefan37]

Yes it is happening and in a very real way. She is hurting and most likely scared out of her mind. She is fearful that your daughters life will be impacted. Just as you were fearful to take those first steps to start transition. I get what you are experiencing. I will say from experience, the longer you live with her, the harder it will be to live your life as Anne. It will not get easier. She may in time come around and you will remain friends, but you need to separate to have any chance of that happening. I know many transsexuals from my support group and socially. I know zero that are still married. The only place I see married transitioners with accepting wives is on this forum.
The odds are not in your favor.

You should be proactive to preserve your rights. Temper your feelings of guilt. It's OK to feel sadness and realize that your actions have completely altered her life and her expectations. But guilt should not be an emotion you give credence too.

She needs time to process the reality of the situation. Who knows how long or if she will even be able. Hold out hope she will.

I don't know your personal living arrangement. But if you don't yet sleep in separate quarters. Now may be the time to start.
You are right that transition is serious business and it leaves much carnage behind. How much or little is out of our control and contrary to Lea's view. We can only control and influence our own actions.

It would be so much easier if there was a playbook. But there ain't. So we plod along the best we can. 2-3 years down the road we can look back and think, you know I could have handled this better. Or I should have done this.

We do the best we can with what we have. Take the high road. Let your wife and daughter know that you will always be supportive and loving to your daughter. Let your daughter know she can always count on you and you will always love her. She is young and will be resilient as long as your wife doesnt negatively influence her. If that is the case as she grows older it will blow back on your wife.

You know where to find me if you need a shoulder.

[Jorja]

I have tried to respond to this thread all day. Nothing I seem to say is enough or sounds harsh. I am sorry that this is happening to you, Anne. Your wife's level of frustration must be through the roof. She used the one weapon she knew she could draw blood with, your daughter. Is that fair? No probably not but it is done all the time. If you are going to continue on with transition, I guess it is time to face it. Find a good lawyer and hope for a reasonable outcome. As mentioned, Let your daughter know she can always count on you and you will always love her.

[Marleena]

I'm sorry to hear about this and your daughter getting dragged into it Anne. It's just not right to use the kids as a pawn. Even in marriages where transition isn't the cause parents sometimes try to turn the kids against the other parent. Nothing good can come from it. It sounds like desperation has set in for your wife.

[JohnH]

I think you may need to spend some time away from your wife if you can - perhaps a month or longer. Of course you have the right to stay in your house, but your absence might compel your wife to soften her heart with the cooling-off period. Perhaps there might be a friend or relative you could stay with. You do not need to be a target of her hatred. The thing that concerns me as others have mentioned is the way she threatened to call the police. And I also hate how she is using your daughter as a pawn.

You are going to need to continue be on M2F HRT if you are anything like me. For the sake of my wife I wear men's clothes when I am out in public (except I wear denim skirts for morning walks in hot weather) and I have not tried to alter my voice. Maybe after the cooling off period you might wear men's clothes with no finger nail polish nor makeup, and speak with your masculine voice when you see her.

Johanna Anna

[Anne2345]

Just for the sake of clarity, although I appreciate the advice, I do not need a cooling off period.

The reason why my wife basically hates me now is *because* I am transitioning. Whether I am on HRT or not is irrelevant and of no consequence in so far as my intent and need is concerned.

So for me, this changes absolutely nothing about my transition. I continue on as I have planned, and as I need to. There is no compromise on this issue.

And if this is a part of the price I have to pay, as much as it may suck, then so be it. I will pay the price and move on. Because really, there is no other way for me, and I know this to the very core of my being.

Going back to the theme a few of you have put forth in this thread - it is what it is.

But holy crap it sucks . . . . :-(

[Kathryn Martin]

yes it does! In my case it was not my spouse but my dad, and my ex-wife (from whom I was divorced 11 years prior to transition) who decided to attempt to poison my children. They did not quite succeed but there were times when the going got really tough with pretty horrific things being said to me and about me.

But there it is - you cannot control this and you are not the keeper of your spouses thoughts and feelings.

So, here is my addition to this:

Apart from getting some advice (as you know the lawyer who gives herself advice has a fool for a client) I will give you this incredibly trivial advice which can make all of the difference: Get a really sharp black suit, skirt and jacket, a button down white blouse, some neat fitting black kitten heels, learn how to do subtle but effective make-up, good quality nylon hose. I cannot tell you how important this is. Both for you and for your spouse. Dress sharp, chic and understated sexy, stay away from anything in your clothing that screams what you don't want to project. You might end up in a court room, before a judge who knows you, it will make all of the difference. I have seen it time and again. I have now been through several legal battles representing trans folks in family law cases, and if your appearance and presentation denies the ridicule others want to use as a weapon the better off you are. As E says: don't **** it up with fruit.:D

[RADER]

Anne:
It is a rough patch you are going through; However, I do not see it getting smoother.
This might hurt, but you might get a Lawyer. If she continues like this you might not
even see your daughter, so now might be a good time to start the process, I know it is
not an easy one, but it has to start some time, why not now.
Rader

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, I am so sorry that you and your daughter are being forced to go through this. It is not fair, your wife knows it is not fair, but she very likely feels like she is out of options, and recognizes as you say, that you are proceeding with your transition regardless. She feels like she has no say, and most likely she does not have a say at this stage, that all needed to take place a long time ago, which from your posts, it did. That does not change her feeling of final despair. As to what you can do? No one, least of all me, can know that without having been there, and even there it is just a repetition of what they did.

In the future I am sure that there will be some of us who will be looking to you for your words of wisdom as to what you did, and we will then integrate your journey and its decisions into ours, as you must do at this stage, and remain strong.

Peace and Love
Barbara

[mechamoose]

I have experienced parts of that, and I'm sorry you to go through it.

Divorced couples will *always* fight 'for the kids', when it is threatening their 'white picket fence' idea of life.

You be YOU, honey. Your young kids will likely GET IT when they are older, and your ex will look like a jerk.

Seriously.

Hang tight, honey.

- MM

[LeaP]

Terms like using Anne's daughter as a pawn or a weapon aren't helpful. I suspect Anne's wife resorting to appealing to the child is more reflective of desperation than vindictiveness. I.e., Anne doesn't care about me, doesn't care what I think ... maybe I can get through with our daughter. Something like that.

[Kathryn Martin]

Lea, I am glad you said it. That kind of talk is not so very helpful at all and serves no purpose. Indeed considerations about children in all of this are and should be front and center. I would also think that it is a crie de coeur to appeal to the one things that she hopes might turn this things around. It is what it is, but even though it might all sound malicious, I don't believe there is malice, desperation yes, but no malice.

[Marleena]

I meant pawn as in bargaining chip. I also said it was an act of desperation by Anne's wife probably to try and stop Anne's momentum towards transitioning...sheesh..

[docrobbysherry]

U can all try to make sense out of insanity if u like. And, look into your crystal balls and predict the future. But, when I see a funnel cloud on the horizon I'm not going in to put on a sundress!

Anne has the best take in this and sounds like she's got her umbrella and rain boots at the ready. Sadly, I think she'll need them----

[Rogina B]

Anne,Hopefully you are not in jail..Domestic drama and domestic violence have a fine line between in the eyes of law enforcement.The sun glass retrieval could have made for a very costly mistake had your wife called 911. Like others have said..Take the high road. Write your daughter a note of your love for her,hug her good bye,AND get your stuff out of there and keep your distance! Structure to the separation is a must as it can include outside help for your daughter. Get clear of her frustrated anger or you will end up with an arrest or a restraining order,or both. Like Kathryn suggested,polish your professional female presentation for your appearances before a judge or two. Many of us know what we would have done differently...afterwards. It is a real mess you are in,I really wish you well in getting through it.

[LeaP]

I meant pawn as in bargaining chip. I also said it was an act of desperation by Anne's wife probably to try and stop Anne's momentum towards transitioning...sheesh..

I understand, Marleena. It's just that a lot of people were jumping on the concept and the meaning is ambiguous. My comment was to clarify ... as well as to suggest that other terminology may be better, even if your intended meaning was the same.

[Marleena]

FWIW My first wife tried the same strategy but it did work on me. However I wasn't transitioning like Anne is. She threatened to tell everybody including my kids I was trans. The separation/divorce went ahead anyways and she used telling everybody as a form of blackmail to control me and get her way for a long time. If it happened today I would just say "go ahead" and tell. If you Google Kids as pawns during divorce you'll see it's common and was not meant to "stir the pot" but as an observation of wrongdoing.

But this thread is about Anne and any legal advice is the best since her wife is desperate. I have no doubt Anne will not get her daughter involved in any messy divorce proceedings which is where this is likely heading.

All we can really do is be here for Anne.

[Nigella]

Anne, my thoughts are with all of you in this matter. There never will be a winner, just losers all round. No matter what the outcome of this situation are, the life you ALL know now will have changed. I hope that when all is said and done, you will still have a relationship of sorts with all your family :hugs:

[Anne2345]

Thank you, Nigella. That means much to me. Thank you . . . .