Magical test

[Aubrey Skye]

I know this is stupid, but I seriously wish there was some kind of magic test saying, yes, you're a transsexual, etc. Again, probably stupid and I'm sure most of you will say you just have to look inside at who you are. I just suck at that. Anyway, my friend told me that I have to stop holding back because of what everyone, including my family, would think and start living for myself. I'm trying to take that to heart, but I'm not very good at it. I'm trying desperately to find a gender therapist in my area but they just don't exist in my part of the country. Ugh, life's never easy right?

[Anne2345]

No, life is not easy. Nor is there a magical test to determine whether you are transsexual.

As for the lack of qualified gender therapists in your area, do not fall into the trap of using that as an excuse to not work towards figuring yourself out.

But don't worry, if you *are* truly transsexual, when that bell rings loud enough in your head, you will find a way to do whatever it takes to do whatever it is you need to do. Local gender therapist or not . . . .

Just out of curiousity, if you are willing to say, where are you from that you do not have access to gender-related health services? And yeah, that does suck, and it makes things more difficult. But far from impossible . . . .

[arbon]

If the magic test said you weren't transsexual would it change anything?

I would find it hard to believe that there are no therapists with experience with transgender issues in your area.

[Aubrey Skye]

I'm from southern West Virginia. Right on the Virginia border. I've checked on PFLAG , they list chapters sort of in my area. They are all at least 2-2 1/2 hours away. Not bad no, but it's hard to just get up and get to meetings or what not with a retail job. I've contacted a few of the somewhat local chapters and they know of none in my immediate area. I guess if it comes down to it I can travel, but that just extra cost. I guess at this point I need to do whatever it takes.

[KellyJameson]

In my opinion it's good to have doubts. There are two things I would never wish on someone. Gender dysphoria and transitioning and than realizing they made a mistake. You want to be absolutely sure but sometimes the only way to know something absolutely is to experience it first hand and this is the paradox.

Transitioning can be fantasy driven and this is potentially dangerous but yet also necessary.

Until you live the experience of your actual gender all you have is your imagination to discover your identity with. I recommend keeping a journal and create stories of what your life would be like if you were already living as a woman. Try to keep it real as those experiences available to most women to avoid the unhealthy and dangerous practice of creating an impossible fantasy.

If you do this watch for depression from making the comparison between what you imagine and the life you are actually living. Avoid the comparisons and use the stories as self exploration.

Watch who and what you are attracted to. See if you notice women who you "see yourself in". This will show you who you "identify with" and once you understand this than you can start asking yourself "why" you identify with them.

In my opinion our imaginations are tightly bound up with gender identity until you no longer need it.

Afterwards you still use your imagination but you come from a place that is now physical and solid so it is not so much about creating something from nothing but living with the creation of the physical representation of your gender.

In a way transition is moving from the virtual world to the real world as from your imagination inside you to it's physical representation outside you.

When I use the world imagination I'm not talking about something unreal but it is with the imagination that we discover " the knowing" of our actual gender when we have not been able to live it.

Your mind will always try to make real what it knows to be true even if it is restricted to your imagination.

It is bringing up from the deepths of your mind using your imagination so that you can consciously "see it" and as you do this you will have that "knowing" and the doubts will evaporate.

Your gender identity is already there. You just need to "see it" and once you do the doubts will leave you.

It is an act of self discovery.

Don't fear your doubts. Your doubts are not the enemy. Being fearful of the consequences of transitioning is different than having doubts about whether you are transsexual or not.

Doubts about identity can protect you until you do not need protection.

[Dawn cd]

Just a suggestion: Get a PFLAG reference to a gender therapist elsewhere in the state--maybe in Charleston. Phone that person and ask him/her to refer you to a trusted therapist in your local area. If the distant therapist is willing to act as a supervisor to your local one, you may be able to get effective help without driving for hours.

[Michelle789]

Hi Aubrey,

Welcome to the forum. You're in the right place.

Unfortunately, there is no such magical test to tell if you're TS or not. Ultimately, you know the answer, and a therapist can help you to figure it out. A therapist can't tell you who you are, but they can help you to explore your gender identity. They will ask you questions that will help you to sort it out. You will be able to talk to them about how you feel. A good therapist will help you break down the barriers that are causing you to fight yourself.

It is very normal to have doubts. In fact, the rare case of transition regret because someone who is not TS transitioned mistakenly, as in the case of Charles Kane, are people who never had any doubts. People who never considered themselves to have any gender dysphoria feelings and then at the flip of a switch decided they're definitely with no doubts a TS. This is extremely rare. Most TSes have some serious doubts, and this is normal.

After all, no one wants to be TS. No one wants to destroy or dismantle their lives. Doubts are a defense mechanism that we use to protect ourselves from making a mistake, and also to protect ourselves from losing male privilege and cis privilege, which you will lose both if you need to transition.

One day, you will stop fighting yourself, and you will accept yourself, however you actually identify as. Remember that there are many identities and many paths. You may identify as a woman and need to transition. You may be okay living part time as a woman. You may discover yourself to be genderqueer. However you identify as and whatever path you need to take is okay. There is no right or wrong here.

I would definitely try to find a gender specialist and make the drive to see her (or him). A therapist can help you to sort it out, but ultimately you know the answer. Maybe take a trip to the DC area dressed as a woman and try interacting with the world and see how it feels. Maybe you can dress as a woman when you go to see a therapist. Presenting publicly can help you to figure it out. Sometimes it just takes time. But ultimately only one question matters, and this is what several other transwoman have asked me.

Are you a woman? Of course, you were born into a male body, so I don't mean your body or legal status. But how you identify. I hope this helps.

Please feel free to send me a PM if you need to talk to someone :)

[docrobbysherry]

I've always wondered why the heck I began dressing outta rite field at age 50+, Aubrey. I'll probably never know.

But, what difference would that make to Sherry anyway?

[DebbieL]

I know this is stupid, but I seriously wish there was some kind of magic test saying, yes, you're a transsexual, etc.
There are several tests, such as the COGIATI (http://transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html), the SAGE (http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/index.htm), but of course, the most important test is "The Real Life Test".

I went to one therapist who actually asked me to sign a paper that declared that I was transsexual, and told me before I signed it that once I signed it, there would be no turning back, that I would automatically become legally obligated to transition. When I signed it without hesitation he just nodded and said "yep, type 6".

There is a huge gap between being a transsexual and being a post-op transsexual. The therapist will want to know if you have already, or are willing to arrange you life so that transition will work for you. Are you willing and able to change people, places, and things, to let go of common and familiar to be in an environment that supports your transition. Living next to the right wing church in West Virginia church is probably not the most supportive environment.

The second thing a therapist will consider is whether you are WILLING to make those changes. A key part of a good gender therapists job is to coach you through these changes, taking you through them often baby steps at a time at first, and monitoring your reactions. Often, a therapist will ask you to come to your first session in "Boy mode", not because she doesn't want to see the girl, but because she wants to observe the contrast between the two. The second or third session she will request that you come in "Girl Mode". She wants to see how you are emotionally, are there changes in the personality, are you more relaxed, or seriously stressed out.

Usually, before putting you on hormones, the therapist will want to know that you have taken the following steps to make your transition work.
- Have a reliable source of income that will not be jeopardized by your transition. Does your employer have a "Diversity Program" that includes supportive policies for LGBT employees? You may need to change jobs if your employer is likely to fire you the first time they see you in a dress.
- Have a stable living situation - do you have a place you can afford to live in, that is near your job and support systems that is not dependent on your gender conformity - if you want to stay with you parents, you have to tell them, if they kick you out, you need to find a living situation that works.
- Have a network of support to help you - this might be a transgender support group, a 12 step group, or and LGBT community center. A place where you can be yourself and know that you are safe and accepted.
- A supportive relationship - or more importantly, one that won't put your transition at risk. Have you told your wife or GF or BF? Have they agreed to support you through transition or have they threatened divorce, loss of financial security, loss of children, or other consequences you are unwilling to accept? You have to be willing to accept the loss before you start making permanent changes.
- Have you built up a social network of friends, coworkers, and community involvement that supports you in your female role.

The good news is that you don't have to do this overnight, and you don't have to be living 24/7 to start the hormones, but you have to have your life structured so that you are spending as much time as possible in your future gender. It's not enough to "pass", you need to "blend" well enough to be invisible when using the ladies' room, a woman's dressing room, or other public accommodations Your therapist will know that you are progressing well when you can't pass as a guy anymore.


Again, probably stupid and I'm sure most of you will say you just have to look inside at who you are.

It's not just a matter of wanting it. One question on most transgender tests is "If I magically turned you into a woman and you would be happy and comfortable in your new life, but you could never change back, would you do it? Variations on the answers might include "without hesitation,", "I might do it", or "I'd like to switch back and forth".

The second half of the question is the big one "Do you want what we have, and are you willing to go to any lengths to get it?". From the 12 step program, but fits here when discussing transition. Are you willing to confront your fears, to communicate to people who might reject you, accept their responses, and adjust your life accordingly? Would you give up you wife, your children, your church, your home, your parents? You SHOULDN'T even try to answer these as you read the questions, but there is a good chance that some of these will come up, and when they do, you will need to work with your therapist and support groups to get through it.


I just suck at that. Anyway, my friend told me that I have to stop holding back because of what everyone, including my family, would think

This is probably the biggest hurdle, right there. How many years have you put Aubrey in a drawer, a box, between the mattresses, or in the closet, hiding her away so that no one would know, because of your fear of what others would think, what they would do, how they might hurt you, how they might reject you.

You probably have some pretty traumatic memories of terrible things happening just because someone thought you were too girlie as a boy. This is part of what there is to work through. It takes more courage than almost anything else you will ever have to do.


and start living for myself. I'm trying to take that to heart, but I'm not very good at it. I'm trying desperately to find a gender therapist in my area but they just don't exist in my part of the country. Ugh, life's never easy right?

First test. There are LGBT centers in larger centers, perhaps in Ohio, or you might consider a move to Washington DC or Maryland.
When I first started my transition, I was in Colorado Springs, Colorado, home of Focus on the Family and 5 military bases. It had 1 gay bar and two lesbian clubs, and one LGBT AA Meeting a week. My employer hired ex navy officers, especially pilots, to run the company, and many had no tolerance for LGBT employees. My wife knew about my cross-dressing and hated it. She wanted to revoke my visitation rights completely.

To successfully transition, i had to move to Denver, which has a huge LGBT population, daily LGBT AA meetings, transgender support groups, and employers who actually got incentives for hiring LGBT employees. Later I moved to the NYC area because there were better protections for LGBT people, and Colorado had just voted to revoke the few rights and protections we did have. Even then, in NJ, it was still possible to get arrested for cross-dressing in public, for using the ladies' bathroom, or even just standing on a street corner.

I was able to find good gender therapists in NJ, but for the hormones, I had to go to Philadelphia, where the Mazzoni center was very supportive. It's worth it to drive 200 miles each way on a Friday to make that transition. How many miles will you be willing to drive?

[Cheyenne Skye]

Aubrey, as others have asked, how far are you willing to go to find a therapist? From West Virginia, there are probably some in the Washington DC area as the closest. In Columbia Maryland there is a branch of Chase Brexton Health. I go to their downtown Baltimore offices for my therapy and regular doctor's appointments. And I live two counties away from them. It has definitely been worth it.
I felt much the same way. For the longest time I looked for a logical reason for the way I felt. It got me no where. When I finally broke down and just went with my feelings, things became clear. I am what I am and the only thing I can control is how I'm going to deal with that information.

[Aubrey Skye]

Honestly, at this point, I'm willing to do anything. I absolutely need a therapist. And btw,, Chyenne, nice middle name :)


There are several tests, such as the COGIATI (http://transsexual.org/cogiati_english.html), the SAGE (http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/index.htm), but of course, the most important test is "The Real Life Test".

I have actually taken the SAGE test and my score said I was androgynous but I was probably a Male to Female Transgender and was definitely a candidate for SRS.

[arbon]

I think there used to be a few that offered skype seesions, not sure if that is still true but you could look into it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

OMG....PLEASE don't do those stupid tests...I can't believe they are even brought up in serious conversation.....
If that test or any others is in your headspace than god bless you...you are screwed..


I feel your pain Aubrey.. I was filled with guilt and confusion.... it seemed impossible to me that I was actually transsexual...I had buried it so deep...

Your thought process is the perfect example of therapy can help.. you want to step out of the why's how's whyme's and if's and into the part of your life where you do something about these feelings... therapists can be hugely helpful if you need help in this regard.

Get it done no matter how far, no matter how awkward, no matter how difficult to get, you will be helped by therapy... if you don't do it, then only you will have the consequence of not doing it..

I used to drive 70-80 minutes to therapy...but its really far and now I do it by Skype and its very helpful..

[Jorja]

You can wish for magical test, fairy god mothers, magical potions and all sorts of crap. If you are serious about transitioning, only YOU can make it happen. There is nothing magical about it. It is a hell of a lot of hard work and determination that make it happen for real.

[Anne Elizabeth]

Aubrey:

I have always wished for four things. One to have been born correctly, Two for some sort of blood test or something that would let me know if I were right about being transgender and three When I came out to my parents they would say that there were certain things about my birth that would confirm my feelings. and fourth to magically become a girl. Well what do they say about wishes in one hand and stuff in the other and see which fill the first. Not going to happen. Never has never will.

The result of these wishes or maybe the reason I have for these wishes, or at least number two is I would be able to say, "See the test says I should have been a girl" "Since the test says I am a female I have to transition". Then people would understand why I have to transition. But you see that puts the ball in another court and takes away the responsibility away from me in making the decision to transition. You see the decision to transition is mine and mine alone. Unfortunately, the decision to transition in most cases and in mine is a decision to divorce the love of my life. It is taking responsibility for my actions weather or not those actions are out of my hand. You see after the last few years of really trying to figure this out and my life I have found that once I tore the walls down that I have been hiding behind for so long there appears that there is no going back. Then more and more I try to deny my true self the harder and harder it comes back. The more and more I experience being a woman the more and more I want. I have learned over time that most of my lifes' actions were done around needing to be a female. I have learned that cismales would have not done any of the things I have done over the lase 50 years. The feelings to be a girl all my life have been the driving force in making many decisions, have been the reason of feeling inferior, have been the decision to chase weak dreams and hopes and not get anywhere.

So you see to me if there were a blood test I would be let off the hook. But, to truly embrace transition, to truly embrace my true self is first my own and 100% acceptance of who I really am. It is to accept that fact that I did not grow up a girls life, that I will have large hands, a noconforming body, voice that may not fit the body. it is accepting that I will never be beautiful model, and never bear a child. It is accepting who I am and making the best of it. Because, To complete my life as the woman that I feel I should have been I feel will make me the happiest person in the world. To be able to wake up and walk out the door as ME, to interact with others as ME the real ME I feel will be priceless.

Anne Elizabeth

These are my feelings and mine alone I just post these for others to see how I have thought transition through and how it may compare to them.

[LeaP]

Most people seem to want medical evidence of some sort at one time or another. I know I did. Often the first thought is how convincing it would be to others, like SOs and family. As I thought about it, though, I realized that at least part of the desire was the disinclination to truly trust myself and my own instincts.

The thing is, though having some sort of physical evidence might help change the politics and perhaps the opinions of those close to us (and even these are debatable), it would change nothing personally. You still have to deal with who you are and what to do. Physical evidence would not make the transition decision for you, will not resolve the inner conflicts or relationship issues, will not help your presentation, or anything else.

(And +1 on Kaitlyn's comments on those gawdawful, stupid tests. Everyone knows the only REAL tests are the ones published in Cosmopolitan.)

[Jorja]

And +1 on Kaitlyn's comments on those gawdawful, stupid tests. Everyone knows the only REAL tests are the ones published in Cosmopolitan.)

I agree but I always go with the ones published in Playgirl. ;)

[DebbieL]

You can wish for magical test, fairy god mothers, magical potions and all sorts of crap. If you are serious about transitioning, only YOU can make it happen. There is nothing magical about it. It is a hell of a lot of hard work and determination that make it happen for real.

Jorja is absolutely right! the REAL tests are the RLE, the Laser, Electrolysis, and HRT. If you are a transsexual, nothing is going to stop you once you begin to see that this is real for you. The biggest barrier for me wasn't whether I was transsexual or not, it was believing that I would actually have a successful result. Once I believed that a successful result was possible, even though there would be trials, tribulations, and changes - I couldn't imagine accepting life without transitioning.