coming out and unlearning behavior

[Sara82]

In an effort to limit the number of posts i wanted to cover two things.

1. Coming out -- Im in therapy but I plan to start coming to more people other than my mother and ex-spouse. My plan right now is to come out to some people as just gay (mainly some co-workers) rather than dropping the big one just yet, atleast until im more certain that i will eventually go full-time. My reasoning behind this is I will begin hair removal on my face fairly soon, plucking eyebrows, etc .So I feel this might help explain some physical changes without making things too complicated just yet. Plus initially this is going to be an awkward looking stage not being fulltime or fully passable. I may also initially use this approach for some of my family who I'm really not that close to or see all that often. ultimately does this sound like a reasonable plan? has anyone took a similiar approach?

2. Behavior -- I'm not full-time or have even really begun and major transitioning steps, but I have been more aware of my male behavior, mannerisms and body language. I'm trying to consciously make an effort to address this even before presenting as my preferred gender. It seems very tricky and requires constant attention and awareness of one's self.

Growing up i feel i had a tendency to want to naturally gravitate toward more of a female type of behavior, however my classmates would typically correct me or call me "gay" and out of fear i think i've forced myself to avoid such behavior.

the big things i can think of are: walking, use of hand expressions while conversation, how you hold yourself at resting positions (sitting and standing).

for the folks who've fully transitioned, did these things come more natural as you started presenting as your preferred gender. Or did this require constant work and attention, or did you not even put much work into this?

thanks!!

[Donna Joanne]

Sara,

The only advice I can give you is in regard to eyebrow plucking. Take it slow and only pluck a little every 3-5 days. If you do it gradually, no one will even notice. Same goes for hand and arm hair, and sideburns. Make subtle changes over time and you will more than likely go unnoticed. As my HRT has progressed, hand and arm hair have become a "non-issue". Good luck as you begin your journey.

[arbon]

#1 - Its really up to you. I would only suggest to take your time and if there is not really a need to start telling people yet then consider waiting. Once information gets out there it tends to spiral and spread quickly. The awkwardness phase is going to happen, but when people start noticing it still does not mean you have to give them a reason.

#2 - I did not concentrate or really work at it. Maybe I should have more I don't know really, but I don't think I come across as masculine in how I carry myself really. It used to be more of an effort to try to come across as masculine and I did not do that very well.

[stefan37]

What does being gay have anything to do with coming out as transgender? Unless you are gay.Secondly, there are many steps such as facial hair removal you can do without disclosing to anybody what you plan on doing.


The best course of action would be to continue therapy and when you decide what you need to do, then start disclosure.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm with Stef on this one. Why would you want to begin your possible transition with an untruth?

If you are a woman, that does not make you gay.

Also, why do you want to start telling people about your sexual orientation or about your gender identity if it does not affect them?

I strongly suggest you work with your therapist on these questions and don't go telling anyone anything until you are sure that they need to know and that you will be telling them the truth.

[Aprilrain]

I wouldn't tell people that you are gay, its unnecessary, you are under no obligation to tell them anything yet. Unless you are plan on presenting as a woman around someone I wouldn't tell them until you're pretty close to doing so.

I think my level of femininity just kinda came naturally once I dropped the need to be masculine. I did work on my voice though, it takes lots of practice!

[DeeDee1974]

You might be over thinking things a bit. I was always more on the feminine side and I didn't spend a whole lot of time focusing on mannerism. Ive kind of just let things happen naturally. Probably the one thing I did have to work on was crossing my legs in a more ladylike fashion once I started wearing skirts more often. It was more of being conscience of where my legs were when I stood up and sat down.

I'm a bit confused about coming out as gay as part of your process of coming out as transsexual.

I have an ex wife. Now I date men (if one would actually want to date me). I never discussed that with anybody. Just started doing what makes me happy.

[LeaP]

It's interesting that you propose coming out as gay in the same post you recounted your history of issues arising from being called gay ...

I know physical changes like shaping eyebrows and removing body hair seem like a big deal, but they are not. Few, if any, will notice, and even fewer care. (As long as you don't pluck a 1920's style eyebrow or something). The concern comes from their being outward and visible, rather than consequential.

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm in agreement with the general sentiment here regarding coming out, but for different reasons. People have a hard time dealing with the realization that you're not who they thought you were. It takes a lot of time and energy to get everyone used to the idea that you've been someone they didn't know all along, so to them you've changed. All their memories are of a straight guy and it takes a lot of work to retire your interactions. Two big changes removes a lot of their motivation for doing so. After all, surely there's a third one coming, right? It's already too easy for people to assume we're confused. So avoid reinforcing that impression at all costs.

As for behavior? I've always been a people watcher so it was pretty natural to start looking at gender cues. Ultimately I used that insight more for self-awareness than anything, as I don't want to spend my life affecting forced mannerisms. The biggest change was giving myself permission to be more expressive, and to stop being so guarded about what I'm feeling.

[Sara82]

Thank you all for feedback. I guess my thought was that i feel very far from telling my managemnt team and HR anything about my plans to transition. So in the interim i could tell some coworkers im gay as a way of feeling less awkward about making some appearance changes.

I realize that i can do whatever i want to my body and i dont have to explain myself. Its my own self conscious issues that will cause me stress

[PretzelGirl]

I can tell you from just talking with all of my coworkers. I have made many changes over the years. They just didn't notice. The awkward phase of growing your hair out is just that. Men sometimes grow their hair out and it doesn't happen overnight. Also, I have received outstanding acceptance. I feel that a large part of this was always treating people well, owning who I was, communicating clearly, and not being defensive. If people like you and trust you, it is easier to accept you. But if you don't accept yourself, how can anyone else accept you? You will be fine. Just don't change it all overnight.

[Rogina B]

Tell them nothing because you are not ready. When you are ready,you'll own your position and won't be afraid.I truly believe that we only have someone elses attention for a very limited time.If you used that up in explaining your discovery of your sexuality,then you won't get it again to explain your gender dysphoria and what your plans are to cope with it. No one cares about you having a few less hairs...that is your personal thing much like someone else growing a beard..

[Sara82]

Sue that really makes sense. Owning myself and and being honest seems like the best approach. I have some serious insecurity issues that i need to get over.

To give you a sense of how bad i can be. Im even insecure about even using hair gel to style my hair because I'm normally super drab and plain. I have some serious issues haha.

[Kimberly Kael]

It's not at all unusual to fear that everyone around you knows exactly what each little change means, when the reality is that many of them won't notice any of it, and those who do aren't likely to care unless it affects them directly. When I finally announced my intention to transition at work, the fellow in the office next to mine asked if that meant I'd start carrying a purse. The entertaining part? I'd already been carrying a purse to work for almost a year at that point, and he simply hadn't noticed.

[KellyJameson]

I experienced alot of bullying by boys from around the time I was three years old all the way through much of high school for looking and acting "feminine"

I was not trying to act feminine but just being myself naturally. When you realize being yourself endangers you than you start living as if you are frozen and everything becomes very controlled. I also had alot of avoidance strategies and enough insecurities to fill ten people.

It can make you over analyze things and act cautiously in such a way that people feel your fear and some will become hostile and aggressive toward you.

I understand the idea of saying you are gay because there is more acceptance and protection for gays than for transsexuals but this could cause confusion because one is about sex and the other gender and it could signal weakness on your part as if you are ashamed of who and what you are.

On some level you do not have to explain yourself to anyone concerning either your sexuality or gender. You want to have a F......um attitude without being rude.

Transitioning gets messy because you will spend a significant time possibly being in-between physically where people will not be able to easily gender you. This is potentially a dangerous time if men are attracted to you because they may "see a woman" but than "may not" with a closer look. Some men can become enraged by this because it threatens their sexual indentity.

You will need a toughness to keep you safe from the fears and hostility of others. Insecurity is fine and we all have them but you are stepping into a dangerous world because you are transsexual.

One of the ways to keep yourself safe is protecting your privacy and realizing that most things are nobody's f.......g business.

My best friend is a 180lb, 5'11" genetic woman who men drool after. She is hardcore tough and could care less if anyone thought her unfeminine yet she clearly is very feminine " in her own way"

We live in a time when women are increasing acting in ways usually labelled "masculine" (strong) (independent) (assertive) (competitive) so that they are taken seriously and because they take themselves seriously. I do not have one female friend that anyone would describe as a "shrinking violet"

"Gay behavior" is not feminine behavior if you are talking about the stereotypical flamboyant mannerisms associated with "some gay men" Women do not act that way because it is of primary importance to them "that they are taken seriously"

They leave that behavior behind in their tweens and trade in the squealing drama of self importance for the self importance of the corporate world (power)

Insecurities are fine but don't ever allow them to see you sweat.

Men are tough but women are tougher and women know why this is true.

It comes out of what they have survived from being women every moment of their lives.

Think about what you have survived and you may realize your story is the same as other women.

Fight back against the world for the same reasons women everywhere are.

[Rachel Smith]

First things first stop lying to yourself, second stop lying to those around you. You will find out through self-exploration in therapy just who you are. When you have discovered that then you can tell people who you are. Until then say nothing. Relationships built on lies will crumble in time.

As far as mannerism all I did was stop acting like a male and started being me.

[Rogina B]

Exactly. You got it.

This stage does require serious application.



And keeping your feet heading straight ahead, is better, than walking splay-footed, (toes angled out and wider apart than heels). Of course this will be easier after SRS, for obvious reasons.




And this whole time I thought the only advantage I had to being small was that I didn't have to worry about my penis showing through my tank suit at the beach or pool..And I do walk straight as well! lol

[I Am Paula]

Why are you considering coming out twice? If the ultimate goal is presenting female, how does coming out as gay solve any problems? IMHO, If you come out once as gay, then in a year as trans, you social and business circle is going to say 'What next? She's a kangaroo?'
I would really suggest just get transition started, telling no one, and when the time comes, hit them all at once. I think that without using the P word (passable) you will find you can present female full time much quicker than you thought.

As a TS, your comportment as a women will come naturally, it's been bottled up in there waiting to come out. Once you learn to drop the male act, what's left is pure female.

Good luck!