Any get hit with the pang of guilt?

[SierraGirly]

Sometimes when dressing I get hit with his terrible guilt trip. It's horrible and usually the reason why I purge. dressing for me was always pretty sexual but I'm still trying to find my comfort zone. Just looking for any words of encourage or advice.

[Zylia]

First of all, welcome! I guess you have to ask yourself why you feel guilty. Is it because it's something you keep secret? Is it because it's "not right"? Do you worry about what other people think?

[SierraGirly]

I guess it's cause my ex wife made me feel awful about it and how it isn't right. It isn't how a man is suppose to be. Yeah I do often worry what would everyone think. A good majority of people have found out due to her outing me after the break up. I just want to figure this out you know? I can't quit I have tried. Please help!

[Andy66]

Yeah, welcome. I have to say, I dont understand the guilt. Are you hurting somebody?

edit: Oh, you ninjaed me. Haha. Why do you care any more what your ex thinks?

[Kate Simmons]

A good part of it is getting in touch with deep feelings. That is sometimes uncomfortable for some folks. You have to decide if that is what you want to do as what we are outside reflects who we are inside.:)

[CherylFlint]

Look, feeling “guilty” is for the birds.
First of all, you’ve nothing to feel “guilty” about. So you’re a CD, so what? It’s just who and what you are, and you can’t change the facts of life.
The way I look at it is that’s how my ‘X’ and ‘Y’ chromosomes lined-up and that’s just the way I am. Period.
So no stupid “guilt” trip. And no purging, it doesn’t work. Being a CD is not something you can turn “ON” or “OFF”. It just IS.
Deal with it in a mature and responsible way or your going to agonize for nothing and waste a lot of money by throwing good stuff, things you could use, away.
Accept it and start to have fun with life. I think of being a CD as a GOOD thing. I’ve never had so much fun as when I’m “dressing”.
Stay safe.
As far as the "ex" goes, there are some women out there who are just fine with a CD, my wife happens to be one of them.

[DebbieL]

Guilt can come from many different sources. The biggest is dishonesty. As a child, I had this secret that I knew my parents didn't know (they did), and I felt guilty about lying to them all the time, by trying to act like a boy when I wanted to be a girl.

I was too young to buy my own clothes, so I had to steal things from the laundry hamper, from my mom's dresser, from her make-up table. I wore her wig, and her shoes or boots. I felt guilty about stealing, being a thief.

I had a grandfather who was a fundamentalist Christian. I felt guilty about lying to him all the time. Would he hate me if he found out I wanted to be a girl?

At school, the boys used to beat me up for being a sissy. I'd often go into the hospital with an asthma attack and they would keep me until all the bruises inflicted by the boys had healed. Was I staying in the hospital longer because I wanted to be a girl?

I had friends, but I had to lie to them about who I was. Would they like me if they knew I wanted to be a girl?

I had girl-friends and lovers - would they still love me if they knew I wanted to be a girl? I shouldn't lie to someone I love, but could they accept the truth?

I had a wife - I didn't tell her about my dressing until 3 weeks after we moved in together, before we got married. Did I mess up her life by lying to her?

I had two kids while I was married, even though she had made it clear that she couldn't deal with the dressing anymore. Did I mess up their lives by lying to her?

You put on the dress, and you are happy, a rare event in your life. You feel right somehow. You want to be a pretty beautiful woman - even if only for a few hours.
- But your family, your friends, your enemies, your ex-wife, most of the people who have an opinion on such things - say it's wrong, it's evil, it's an abomination!
- But it makes you so happy and it really doesn't hurt anybody - does it?

Then all that shame and guilt takes over. You don't deserve to be happy that way, it's wrong, it's bad, you should be a man, you should want to be a man - so you purge. You tell yourself that you can be a MAN! Even though deep down inside you hate it. There are moments when this happens when you get depressed, even suicidal.

After being miserable for a few days, weeks, or months, you opt for some "Retail Theraapy". You buy something pretty, and you put it on, and for the first time in a long time, you feel good again, not quite happy yet, but getting there?

If I gave you a magic wand, and it could turn you into a boy or a girl any time you wanted, and you would be completely accepted as whichever you were, but inside who you are would not change at all, would you spend most of your time as Sierra? Or most of your time as a man? A cross-dresser would spend most of his time as a man. A transsexual might turn herself into a girl and pass it on to the next girl.

[JayeLefaye]

Hi Sierra, and welcome! You've found a very safe place here, and an informative one. I feel for the break-up of your marriage, which is seldom and easy thing to go through regardless of what caused it.

You ask, "Why do I feel guilty?", and I'm gonna take a stab at it. But first I'll point out what a wonderful therapist once told me: Guilt is just an emotion, and all emotions are valid, but it's what we do with those emotions that counts...And she then add "Guilt is useful for about 10 minutes, after that you are in danger of wallowing".

So, why do you feel guilty? Because you've been taught/told that this is something shameful by people who really aren't well informed....Now, I don't know the extent that you dressed while married, or if it's something that she caught you at once???

There are so many growth experiences that go into being a CD, and I thing the first thing you need to do is figure out your comfort level(insert therapist recommendation here if necessary..But not all therapists are created equal).

But you just joined this site, and you're only 25, so dive in a bit and just keep on reading, learning. You're sure to find a lot of folks who've been there/done that, and ya know what? We've all survived...some with more scars than others...

Glad you're here!!

Jaye

[Teresa]

Men must suffer more from guilt, a male gets stuck in a straght jacket, he should only wear drab clothes and not show emotions, if we fall off the pedestal we're made to feel guilty ! We can't help being Cders and yet many hide behind closed doors for fear of what family and friends will think !
You probably feel guilty about CDing causing your marriage split up, now you Ex is making it worse by telling people !

I really hope at your age you can find another more accepting partner and start again and hopefully find some enjoyment with your dressing because guilt or not it isn't going away ! Please don't worry about the sexual side, my dressing has alway been about it ! Don't try and fight what is hardwired in your brain and stop feeling guilty about it !
Don't forget you're not the only one going through all this, many of us have just come to live with it !

[Wildaboutheels]

Do you WANT to get rid of the G&S? Or do you prefer to keep forever kicking yourself over something that you have ZERO control over?

The bottom line is pretty simple. Beating yourself up over what your UNconscious mind does is unproductive behavior.

[Adriana Moretti]

I can understand the guilt....it is a phase I think all of us have gone through ( although some here seem to forget)....but even after my last purge, when I started again, every now and then I would have a wtf moment.....and you answered your own question....you are still trying to find your comfort zone...nothing wrong with that, balance plays a big part in what we do. As far as your girl.....well....girls will be girls, not everyone understands or accepts what we do....what is important though is that YOU do.

[Eringirl]

Hi Sierra, and welcome. As others have said, this is a good site to get some good information and support. As Jaye mentioned, guilt is a valid emotion. And as much as we would like to be able to turn off that emotion because we are told to, it doesn't work with that way. You may want to meet with a therapist. They should be able to help you work through it and help you manage your emotions instead if them managing you.

Hope things get better for you. Feel free to continue sharing here. This really is a great site.

[Isabella Ross]

Guilt is completely understandable given our upbringings...but if you deal with these feelings in a healthy way, they will eventually disappear. Eventually you'll come to a place of realization; that you, like me, are transgendered. The very fact that we are means that, yes, some men ARE this way and even MEANT to be this way.

[krissy]

Welcome home we are here for you .I think most of us have been there with the guilt.It took me till i got older to accept the fact that this is who i am .My ex told all my friends at work all her family.I was a mechanic back when i was 21.I was devastated It took years to get over that .We are here just write to anyone of us.we are here to help .:hugs:

[Jenniferathome]

How could I feel guilty about doing something that is part of my genetic makeup? Now, if there are other priorities and I somehow blew them off to dress, THEN I'd feel guilty. But not for dressing. Rather, for being selfish.

[Samantha_Smile]

Are you currently hurting anyone by dressing (other than yourself when guilt hits)?
If not, why do you feel guilty?
To be blunt about this, you need to start reading the threads that are all searchable here on the topic, there is a mountain of them.
You should focus on self acceptance for now, come to terms with yourself, then move on.

There's no guilt to be had if you're being true to yourself.

[Savannah_Skye]

I'm new here, but this is part of the reason I joined: mid-twenties with guilt issues and trouble accepting myself. Here are some things that have helped me and continue to help:

1 - I remind myself the dressing is an expression of who I am and not something perverse, even if there is a sexual element.
2 - I ask myself who I am hurting by crossdressing or is it other people who don't understand me and are ignorant about crossdressing.
3 - Sometimes I need explore my deeper feelings - like I realized I was actually guilty about being dishonest to others, not the actual dressing.
4 - Finding a supportive group, which this site can help with
5 - Finally, I remember I purged a really awesome dress (actually made my hips somewhat flattering): do I really want to do that injustice to a dress again?

Hope you feel better Sierra!

[Princess Grandpa]

I used to be overcome with extreme guilt and shame. Over the years I have shed many of the things I was taught as a child. Last year when I came to understand this was more than just a panty fetish, that I actually wanted to dress like a woman, I had a moment of panic. Very quickly I asked myself "If my son came out as a cross dresser would I withhold my acceptance of him? Well of course I wouldn't. I would love him whether he was gay, hetero, trans, or whatever. Well if strangers, friends and loved ones all deserved my acceptance why don't I deserve my own acceptance? Since that moment I haven't once experienced that guilt or shame. Maybe some embarrassment, maybe some fear, but I don't feel I'm doing anything to feel guilty about.

Would you condemn a friend or family member for doing this? Even if it was strictly for sexual reasons? You owe yourself equal consideration

Hug
Rita

[AngelaYVR]

Everybody already said it, you got some good advice. Think about CDing less like a narcotics habit and more like a special gift that few others get to experience!

Angela xx

[JayeLefaye]

Sometimes when dressing I get hit with his terrible guilt trip. It's horrible and usually the reason why I purge. dressing for me was always pretty sexual but I'm still trying to find my comfort zone. Just looking for any words of encourage or advice.

Then you've come to the right place, eh?

Delve deep Sierra, take a deep breath(or several) and then read and research and read some more...and come out the other side with a better understanding and some peace of mind....YOU DESERVE IT!!!

Jaye

[Angie G]

Nice meeting you Sierra. I never felt guilt. Even before my wife knew Angie. It is who you are girl dont feel bad foe being you hun. :hugs:
Angie

[sometimes_miss]

I just want to figure this out you know? I can't quit I have tried. Please help!
Well, it's probably not going to be easy. First you have to go back and figure out when you started to have the desire to dress up in female clothes. Then go back further and see if there was anything that might have influenced you to do it. 1. Is it sexual? Do you get turned on by crossdressing? Or not? That is a starting point that will help; BTW being turned on WHILE being crossdressed is not the same thing as being turned on by the thoughts of being dressed as a girl or thoughts of being a girl. I'd give you more, but your profile isn't set up to accept messages, and I don't want to fill the thread up with all kinds of information that might not apply to your case. I went through a long period of self discovery, and had to examine a whole lot of my life to figure it all out.

[Brandie.n]

I use to feel guilty and whatvi was doing was wrong...but i don't hurt any body it makes Me happy and I don't judge you need to developed the same attitude.

[Beverley Sims]

Sierra,
First of all don't purge, second don't feel guilty and thirdly you do have to overcome your fears.
You will be plagued by sexual fantasies that you would normally be ashamed of admitting and you would not be the first one to do so.

[weyburn]

for me not any more
In fact I am doing it more and more which includes going out more and telling friends about it and most of them accept it
what I do find a bit surprising is how many married men are into it and for some of them it is a sexual thing

[Katey888]

Words of encouragement...?

Do what you feel happy and comfortable with if it does no harm to anyone else...

Words of advice...?

Don't feel guilty - don't purge... Both totally pointless and unconstructive activities...

Be yourself - Be happy :)

Katey x

[Marcelle]

Hi SG,

Well pangs of guilt can have several causes and I am not sure from your post as to why you feel guilty. Do you feel as though you are letting your guy side down but dressing as a girl? Are you feeling guilty because you believe what you are doing is wrong? Do you feel guilty because you are hiding from friends and family? So as you can see unless you understand the root cause, it will be hard to shed that guilt.

WRT encouragement, the only thing I can offer is do you feel good when you dress and not to get corny . . . does it complete you? If you dress and it makes you feel whole (the person you were meant to be) then there is nothing wrong so use that as a starting point. Try to understand why you feel guilty and put the two in context. Specifically, does my guilt feelings have any true grounding in my life and does the joy I feel dressed override those feelings.

Hugs

Isha

[Tina B.]

At your age girl I'm not surprised you feel guilty, many of us have gone through what you are going through, I believe it comes with being young, and wanting to live up to the expatiations of our parents, siblings, and friends. As kids, we where teased about anything we might have done that was not perceived as manly. Then of course as a teen we wanted to be seen as "normal to the girls". And as many can tell you, as a young adult, being a cross dresser doesn't do much for a guys dating life.
So we feel frightened, by being different that others, guilty because we can't control it, and men are suppose to be able to fix things, but yet we can't seem to "fix ourselves".
It took me until I was around 30 years old before I ever started to get a handle on my dressing, and that came with the help of a good woman, I didn't do it all on my own.
But what I did learn, I'm a better person when I don't fight it, and dress from time to time, than I am as a "mans man". My dressing is not harmful to others, it stops me from being depressed, angry and hostile, all of which I was very guilty of. My wife and I get along great since I came out to her and stopped trying to hid who I really am.
I'm still in the closet, and feel no need to share this part of me with the world at large, but being honest with myself, and accepting myself for who I am, I've found a very comfortable way to live with this part of my life with out guilt, and with only a little regret.
Oh, and I found out I don't need to fix anything, I'm not really broken, just built a little different.

[Nyla F]

Hi Sierra,
I suffered from guilt and shame for a very long time. Tried to stop crossdressing and purged many times. Finally I talked to a therapist about it. I was really difficult to admit this to another person, but once I did I started to acknowledge that part of me. Eventually I could fully accept myself as a crossdresser and most of the guilt is gone. I say most because my wife is not very accepting so it is tough knowing that it causes her anxiety, but accepting and knowing myself has made it easier for me to explain it to her.
I hope you can achieve self acceptance sooner than the 18 years it took me.

[~Joanne~]

I guess it's cause my ex wife made me feel awful about it and how it isn't right. It isn't how a man is suppose to be.

That is her perception, along with every other woman's, of how a man is suppose to be. We are suppose to be pigeon holed into a stereo type while they are free to be whoever it is they want to be. Trying telling Your wife how you think she should be and watch what happens.

I suggest that every time your feel the guilt, because we have all gone through that stage, that You put everything into boxes/totes and packed them away some where. You'll be happy you did later because this doesn't go away, it just comes back harder. Plus you'll save a ton of money in the process.