own it

[cassandra54]

Being a member of this forum is a great life experience for me. I've learned a lot about myself and human nature. Along with the help of my last two SOs I've gone from being a non-passable part-time CD to a CD who may not be 100% passable, but certainly blends, who probably dresses at least half of the time. My time out in public will increase in the coming years.

I've learned a lot about makeup, hair and clothes in my last two relationships with GGs and I can say that on many levels I've been very, very, fortunate. I read a lot of posts and I have a lot of compassion and empathy for some of us here. We are conflicted, we hide in the closet, and sometimes lose a lot because of the simple fact that we like to wear women's clothes.

That's what it's come down to for me. I just love wearing women's clothes. I'm not conflicted and I don't believe that I'm a woman trapped in a man's body. I can express my gender identity at will. I'm not embarrassed in guy mode to get a pedicure complete with flowers on my big toes or wearing earrings. But that's just me and like I said, I've been very fortunate. I consider myself a student of life and human behavior, so here's my question, which I think is two fold.

The first part of the question is this: Are some of us ashamed, embarrassed, conflicted, confused, doubtful/unsure about our gender identity/roles and does that emotion carry into how we feel about what we do and does that make it less than desirable? Do people sense that, and realize that something is not right. People can see fear, anxiety and doubt. A short time after I met my current SO, I told her about my dressing, why I did it and how it's changed over the years. Simply put, I told her I do it because I like to do it. I enjoy being a guy just as much as being a girl. Well not a girl in the strictest sense of the word, but you get the idea.

The second part of the question is basically re-iterating what I told my current SO. Do we dwell on the fact that we like to dress too much. Do we constantly search for some deep, dark, mysterious reason? Like we're a women trapped in a man's body or we have a gender identity issue? What if it was just that simple that we liked to wear women's clothes and that was the long and short of it? When it comes down to it, we all have to wear clothes. Whatever clothes we decide to wear is our choice.

I own who I am. Every part of me. Granted, it took many years of my life. But if ever asked by anyone out in public why I'm wearing a dress, I would simply say because I feel like it. What say you?

[Jorja]

Cassandra,

Yea!!!! Somebody actually gets it. You need to own it. Once that happens anything is possible.

[Natasha V]

Omg, You preach it Sister. I Love it and wish I could throw that cover and say I'm done hiding but for me its not an embarrassment for myself I really love and enjoy my life as it is dressing pretty with all my heart. I'm more concerned about my immediate family who I care about so much to put this burden on their shoulders. I really consider this a gift that I hope will never leave me. Thank you for such a wonderful post.

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

Cassandra, I like your rational approach. First of all you've been honest with your current SO by owning and admitting it. I hope for you she is now a partner for life. I got to a point after a divorce and dating that my wife of today has known since we first started dating in the '80's. She's fine with it. I've questioned many things about myself and even thought of fully transitioning. But then I began to realize how impractical it would be for many reasons. So I decided I'll just make the best of it. All along I did and maintained a sense of happiness. It's nice that I'm retired now because I spend my time dressed and enjoying it. I've been wearing bras and forms even when I go out in drab. I just let go of any anxiety or fear that someone might say something or laugh behind my back. What would it matter? They are not significant to me. If confronted I'd embarass the crap out out them and say I had a medical condition but I don't see that happening. I see you coming to terms with yourself and that's a great thing.

Cheryl

[Teresa]

Cassandra,
Firstly it's good to read members that have found a balance that comes with an understanding partner, I hope it contiues for you.

There's quiet a lot to answer in you first question, I don't feel ashamed any more but embarrassed possibly more for my wife than myself. I think there will always be conflict because when the need to dress arises and you can't carry it through, I enjoy it as much now as ever so it doesn't feel less desirable !
As for your second part, my dressing was and still is sexual, my wife knows that I have a deep desire to share it with women, so I don't have a gender identity issue !
The point where we differ is I could never tell my wife that it's just something I want to do without a plausable reason. The sexual undertone is not an excuse but a genuine reason so it makes some sense to both of us why I need to dress. She takes no part in that so I'm on my own with my CDing and realise I will never be fully accepted, she has commented that she knows she's hurting me which is small consolation !

[Wildaboutheels]

Any bloke off the street could wander into the MtF Forum, spend an hour reading and conclude that beyond any shadow of a doubt that CDers themselves are the REAL enemy.

As far as the second part of your question? There is no mystery at all. Endless obfuscation at this site or a thousand others isn't going to make it any more or less mysterious. ANYone with an open mind and open eyes will quickly figure out what drives 99% of it. And no doubt, some people are born with crossed wires. With all the "wires" Humans possess, it's simply inevitable.

A Google search for CROSSDRESSERS should UNconfuse most people. Google is seldom wrong.

But you are right. CONFIDENCE is the Holy Grail for/key to "passing" regardless of what one is wearing.

But that Confidence can ONLY come from going out dressed "everywhere" hundreds of times.

It's obvious MANY here want to/choose to go out in an effort to alleviate their shame and guilt.

People should rid themselves of the S&G first BEFORE they ever go out. If they do, they very may well not ever NEED to go out.

[Samantha Clark]

For me the answers to both questions are related. I feel confused and anxious and, as a result, I do spend a good deal of time and mental energy trying to understand why I have the desire to dress. I don't have an SO who is fully comfortable or ready for me to go beyond underdressing at this point but I hope that evolves. So for now I don't feel that I can be fully myself.

[cassandra54]

The reason that I got to the point where I'm at as a cross dresser started out as a sexual thing. I dressed a few times in my life, but I thought my last SO might be into dominance and submission, since I found a number of books she purchased about the subject and the fact that she seemed to some aspects of it. But I quickly discovered that I liked dressing OUT of the bedroom and so it began. These days my dressing does not have to be a part of my bedroom activities.

It's funny that the only time I ever thought it as being "creepy" is when this SO said it was. Of course she would do that and then turn around and give me some article of clothing, jewelry, or perfume.

Wildaboutheels

So very true and in many aspects of our lives, we are our own worst enemies. We sabotage ourselves not only with guilt and shame, but self-doubt and lack of self-esteem to name a few villains that try to assassinate our peace of mind. It's also true that once one is past the shame and guilt, it doesn't matter if we go out. If I'm dressed and need something from the store, out I go. My SO and I have some things planned that I will be dressed for. Other than that, whatever I wear, I'm still the same person.

[Kate Simmons]

I am who I am plain and simple. Taking ownership of yourself and your feelings is what it's all about really. :battingeyelashes::)

[bridget thronton]

I too just like wearing dresses - i am also be transgendered, I am less sure of that

[Isabella Ross]

Cassandra, you're so right. At some point, you've got to own it -- and after that, the balance will come. At least that's what happened in my case. I haven't been out, but will be at some point soon...being as tall as I am, I know I will get clocked, but I don't think I will ever be trying to pass; my idea of going out is to go to a TG-friendly restaurant/event/nightclub. Meanwhile, I have successfully disclosed to my wife and immediate family in the past six years. This, for me, was more important...the result is no more guilt, shame, frustration or confusion. I like to look and feel pretty from time to time, and the most important people in my life know and accept that. Therefore, I do too.

[Beverley Sims]

I think we have all gone through the shame scenario, I probably dwelled on it years ago but I get on with it now.

[charlenesomeone]

Cassandra,
So true, I've come to liken it to a girl growing up. It takes time to get comfortable, some
girls have spent that time already. Be who you are.
Char

[Marcelle]

Hi Cassandra,

I believe you are correct and while "owning it" can certainly make your life easier if you are out and about, I believe what you are talking about is "accepting yourself for who you are". This can hold true for those who are open about who they are and go out in the Vanilla world not worrying if they pass/blend or whatever. But it can also hold true for those who remain indoors. Many choose not to exit the house not because they are ashamed but because they have other reasons (family, career) to be concerned about. However they also can be accepting of who they are.

So I agree that "self acceptance" is a great place to be "open" or "closeted" . . . the rest is just location.

Hugs

Isha