How do I know

[RiverdanceGirl]

This is my question. How far do I take the female inside of me? Sometimes I feel so female and it overpowers me but realistically I can never be the woman that I want to be. Even though I'm slender and my body is fairly feminine I am too tall and I have a face like a warthog's backside. I don't think that any kind of facial feminisation would make me look like a woman. Can they make tiny little close set eyes look big and beautiful? And I don't want to hurt anybody if I should change and transition into a woman but sometimes it is all I can think about and I have been living as a woman in mind and spirit for over 5 year now, just not dressing and appearing as a woman. I have been wearing pantyhose, panties and nail polish for nearly two years, underdressing but sometimes going outside before daylight or when I know there's nobody around, in my female wardrobe. I did go out one time in a semi guy mode wearing 40 denier, what I thought were very stealthy pantyhose and I got a bad reaction from a neighbour. He just stood there hands on hips glowering at me like he wanted to come over and hit me. I don't want to expose myself to physical violence but I do want very much to be a woman. I don't like my penis. I have to use it for sexual pleasure but it's a stupid dangly thing I would rather live without and have a tidy smooth vagina. I am not sure that I could ever go the full way because of the fact I'd never pass for a woman in the time it takes to live as a physical woman before hormones and surgery. Yes, I have lived as an emotional woman, a functional woman in the role I fullfilled and I'm sure that should count somehow but I've not lived in the physical appearance of a woman. Sometimes I cry in bed because I want to be female so much but I don't think I can ever achieve it.

Has anyone else felt like this and what choices have you made with your lives?

[KellyJameson]

Those items you mentioned (panty hose,panties and nail polish) are items to make a woman more sexually alluring to men.

Do you want to be sexually alluring to men ? Do you want to be sexually alluring to yourself ?

What have been your lifelong relations with women ?

How and why do you identify with women ?

[RiverdanceGirl]

Kelly, I am not sure. I am intensely autogynephilic and I have fantasies about being a wife. I have never had a real life sexual relationship so it really is all in my mind. I have fantasies about being a ballerina. I think if I actually were a woman I would be a good wife. Caring and loving and very careful with my physical appearance. And probably quite good in the bedroom department. I would certainly be open to an active female sex life. I'm not sure if this answers your question. Since I am alone right now I guess I am dressing to arouse myself but I like the idea of being attractive to the opposite sex in principle.

[katlee]

I think there is a sexual component that comes with crossdressing that can go into roleplaying and living a fantasy life. You mentioned various sexual and romanticized aspects of being a woman/female, but what about normal routines? Going to the grocery, to the gym, or sitting at home in a sweat shirt and sweat pants. I am not sure what you mean by living as woman in and mind a spirit for over 5 years.

[RiverdanceGirl]

What I mean is that when my mother got sick I took on the role of the woman of the house. My brother certainly expects me very much to be the one who cooks and cleans and does everything while he just sits around on his backside. I realise this is a very sexist view of a female role but I'm afraid that is just the reality of living with a male. If I don't do the dishes and pick up the garbage off the floor everything will just sit there. The expectation is just there that I will do it every day and mostly I don't mind except when I feel taken for granted. When I've had a long day and I've had to mow the lawn or shovel the driveway on very little sleep and I am expected to serve a roast dinner after cleaning and tidying the house. All of the not fun things about being a woman but that's life and no point complaining that if I were to take a day off I would just find dirty dishes all over the house and the stove covered in bacon grease. Dressing in nice clothes is what I do for my me time. Sometimes I might only get 15 minutes a day and it is a treat for me to cut my toenails. I think that if I didn't have the female inside of me that realises life is full of hard thankless work I would have gone insane by now.

[Aprilrain]

The next step for you is to find a therapist versed in gender issues.

That being said it sounds like you need to have a discussion with your brother. Letting people walk all over you doesn't make you female and being lazy and selfish doesn't make him male, it just makes him an Asshole.

[PretzelGirl]

I agree. That is the reality you have created with *that* male. It is not a true statement across the board. What do you want your reality to be? Work through it and make it happen. Your happiness is in your hands. Set your goals, smile, don't let others get in your way, and change things so they are what you want them to be.

[Angela Campbell]

This is my question. How far do I take the female inside of me?

I've not lived in the physical appearance of a woman.

Sometimes I cry in bed because I want to be female so much but I don't think I can ever achieve it.

Has anyone else felt like this and what choices have you made with your lives?

A lot of questions here. How far do you take it? As far as you need to. If you ever get to the point you need to you will know it. Perhaps you should work on your appearance and see what is really possible. I have seen some dramatic transformations. It can be done, if you really want to. You can achieve it.

I kind of felt that way, but I knew since I was a child, and fear kept me from doing anything about it.

What choice did I make? I transitioned.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

How far do you take the female inside of you?

First off you are well served to not think of it this way. You are going to have to battle lots of coping thoughts you've developed over many years and the way to do that is really hard self reflection and therapy.

You need to gather lots of info, get started in therapy and see what these feelings you have really mean.

The ideas you've expressed don't come from a strength and knowledge...you have to build that stuff up...then you can start thinking about big decisions...

don't let this spiral out of control and make you any more miserable than you already are... get some real on the ground help

[Jorja]

How far do I take the female inside of me?

This depends a lot on what you really want out of your life. Is this just a hobby for you? You just like playing dress up? Or… Do you think you really seriously need to become a woman? This is something that only you can answer. I would suggest if you are really serious about being a woman, locate a gender therapist with ample experience with transsexuals and allow them to help you discover your own answers.

You say, “Sometimes I feel so female and it overpowers me but realistically I can never be the woman that I want to be.”

My question is why not? At this point you do not even seem to know what is possible. Do some research and learn what is possible. I was told when I was young, you can do and be whatever you want to do and be. All you have to do is try.

You say, “Even though I'm slender and my body is fairly feminine I am too tall and I have a face like a warthog's backside. I don't think that any kind of facial feminisation would make me look like a woman.

Again, you have no idea of what is possible. Look around you the next time you are out and about. There are some pretty tall women around. Right now, this minute, I could introduce you to 3 women all GGs, that are 6’8”+ and they have never played basketball in their life. Guess what? They are every bit as feminine as the next girl and all 3 are cute as can be.

You would be really surprised at what can be done with plastic surgery now days. While I was much better looking than a warthog's backside, I wasn’t anything to write home about either. Most of us find that with the right doctor and a little plastic surgery, fantastic results can happen. Do your research and understand what can be done. Make an appointment with a plastic surgeon that specializes in FFS. See what they can do for you. Don’t just make unfounded statements and excuses.

You say, “Sometimes I cry in bed because I want to be female so much but I don't think I can ever achieve it.”

I say, get off the bed, wipe the tears away, and go find out what is possible. You can’t make it happen by just sitting there crying, wishing, and dreaming.

[KellyJameson]

Thank you for answering honestly. I really respect that.

Instead of talking about identity and whether you are a man or woman lets instead talk about being a sensitive soul.

Being sensitive is often seen as being feminine but this is not something universal among women or only found in women.

This sensitivity leaves you open to being emotionally wounded and in general being someone who deeply feels things.

You may want to read Elaine Arons book called "the highly sensitive person"

This sensitivity can lead to being passive and submissive. It is often assumed that these traits are feminine and found in women. Mainly by men who have been indoctrinated by the culture they have been formed by.

There is no relationship between being dominant or submissive and gender. There is no relationship between being passive or aggressive and gender. Anyone can be any combination of these behaviors and temperaments.

Gender identity built on these concepts is not gender identity but the influences of culture and gender roles.

It is the interpretation of gender but not the experience of gender.

You have never had a sexual relationship and this may be worth exploring as to why.

Ones sexuality can confuse ones gender identity and vice versa. It can be difficult to understand how they are separate but also how they act on each other.

Homophobia by someone who is homosexual could potentially lead someone to use a female identity to escape the homophobia and to be able to have sex with men " as a woman" which is now "morally acceptable" so the shame along with the "risks" are avoided.

To become a woman to "feel safe" from risk and shame is to do something that is actually very unsafe to do because it is filled with risk and you will probably be shamed for doing it.

Our minds try to find ways to avoid going into our deepest fears when self loathing and shame is involved.

A ballerine is delicate,strong and graceful. In this instance you are identifying with qualities as much as gender.

Your sensitivity draws you to these qualities that you want to have in yourself but this is not gender identity.

Gender identity is when you relate to the "complete woman" including the not so desirable or mundane aspects of being a woman, and there are many.

This is why fantasy can be so dangerous when it drives gender dysphoria.

If there is an emptiness to your life that is "not caused by being a woman not aligned with your body" but you blame this emptiness on "this reason" you could bring incredible amounts of suffering into your life.

Be sure you are not trying to escape your life by "changing your gender" to "fix your problems" unless you are very clear these problems are related to being born misaligned from your body.

If you suffer from social phobias, depression and anxiety I would urge you to seek help for these things first and than explore your gender and GD if it is there "afterwards".

You have to be as strong and healthy as possible psychologically before you confront GD but paradoxically you cannot be completely healthy without confronting and "transcending it" through some form of transitioning.

[MarieTS]

Rivedance, it is about so much more than dressing pretty. As Katleey said, how do you feel living the non glamorous parts of your life female? I know I am every bit as fulfilled by being a woman getting gas, quick trips into the grocery store, exercising, etc., as I am dressed to the nines. Also, remember that it is not so much what you WANT to be, but more so about what you truly BELIEVE you really are.
Look inward carefully and examine the why.

[AmandaM]

I agree with the "wanting". I see a beautiful woman, I want to be her. I want to be that NFL cheerleader. I want to be <insert actress>. But then I see women who are not these idealizations, and I don't want to be them. I look at myself in the mirror, I try to imagine how I would look after transition, even with FFS. Then I don't want it. This tells me that I'm not truly TS. So now I work on understanding how I got to this point. It's not useful to "wish" I was every beautiful woman I see. I'm now treating that feeling as something I need to understand and lessen. Since I'm not TS, this train of thought is ultimately damaging to my emotional health. If I could take a pill and be one of those women I see, I'd take it. But I'd also take a pill to be a 100% non-CD male.