How you felt after first time dressed

[Aubrey Skye]

So I fully dressed and had on makeup for the first time tonight! It was fantastic! I felt very comfortable and it felt like I was finally being me. However, when I got home from my friend's where I dressed up, I just felt odd. I don't know what it was. I had to get the makeup on and get dressed very quickly and couldn't keep it on long due to her husband coming home from work. I was very tense the whole time, probably from doing it for the first time and also in front of someone. I'm not questioning that this is who I am, but I just feel weird about it. I didn't feel as excited as it was all happening as I thought I would. Maybe I'm just scared? Maybe I was overwhelmed from too many emotions about it? I don't really know. I looked good, which was a relief as I didn't think I would. I just can't shake this weird feeling and I can't seem to put a word to it. Anyone else feel this way after their first time or when they first started out?

P.S. I posted my pictures on my thread First makeover in the Mtf Crossdressing section if anyone wanted to see them. I don't want to bombard the forums with them in here as well, but I can also post them in this thread too!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I was too young to remember but I hope I felt as good as your smile in those pictures !!!!

[Starling]

I think you answered some of your own questions, Aubrey. Dressing in a hurry, anxiously and with a time limit is too much like closet cross dressing to give you a lasting sense of "Ah, finally!" And any excitement wears off quickly, once you start going out more and more as yourself; if it didn't, you would have a hard time talking to anyone. And you do look really happy in those photos.

I was in grade school when I first dressed, although as soon as I was aware of myself at all, I had feelings that confused me and, I knew, could not be shared with anyone. Anyway, my parents were away for several days, and my much younger sisters and I were being babysat by a very nice old lady who went to bed right after we did, and didn't stay up to watch Jack Paar like my parents. When I was sure everyone else was sound asleep, I put on a sundress of my mom's and a pair of yellow thong sandals (the term flip-flops not having been invented), and painted my toenails bright red. Then I just sat in the front room and looked out the windows for about an hour. I wasn't quite sure why I did it, but it felt like me.

Thus began six decades of modified hell.

:) Lallie

[Donna Joanne]

Aubrey,

As Lallie said, with the restrictions you had imposed on your first experience your feelings were just exciting, not fulfilling. I am by no way an expert, but in my personal opinion and experience, you have all these newly discovered feelings and emotions that you are dealing with as you begin your self discovery.

My own journey of self discovery began this month 41 years ago. I had been questioning my gender in the world. Not much was known or discussed about transsexualism during this time. But I knew I didn't feel like a boy, and always played with and was more comfortable with girls. I had a girlfriend, but at that age we were definitely more friends that anything. We talked for hours, about everything, even boys she thought were cute. It made me wonder if I was gay, but I didn't feel any attraction toward guys. I just didn't want to be one.

As a whim, my mom had asked me if I'd like to "dress up like a girl" for Halloween. So my first experience dressing was with my mothers "blessing and assistance". Being during the 70's when wigs were fashionable, she had a couple of her own nice wigs to choose from. She put me into pantyhose, a body briefer all in one, a silk slip, a nice short dress, heels, and full makeup. When I looked into the mirror, I saw myself for the first time in my life as I was supposed to look. I was in heaven. Everyone who saw me complimented me on how natural I looked, and how pretty I was.

When the evening of taking my two younger brothers around "trick or treating" had come to and end, I went into my bedroom and just sat and looked at myself in my mirror. I sadly took off the wonderfully feeling clothes, and sat there in just the wig and makeup. But the wonderful warm feeling didn't subside. Because the face I saw looking back at me was glowing with happiness. And I cried my first tears of joy in my self awareness of the female within. I realized that I was a Barbie head stuck on a Ken body, that society was trying to shove into a GI Joe box.

Then even though it was hours that I got to be dressed, it seems like it was over way too soon. I even had a couple of guys whistle at me, and had a couple ask if I really was a girl. Looking back in retrospect, they may have only been being nice, but to a 14 year old transsexual, they were just the encouragement I needed.

I tried to find out more about my feelings, but in the pre internet days of the 70's and 80's, resources available to us were very limited. I sought out counseling at the age of 18, but was told by the therapist I needed to "find a nice girl and settle down and start a family". So I did just that, married a wonderful young lady, had a child, and could never be the '"man" she needed me to be. So from then until now, I have struggled with my Gender Dysphoria until last year, when I finally was able to find a therapist who was willing to listen to what I was saying and understood. I'm thankful for him everyday. I had tried to do so many things over the years to alleviate the effects of the GD, with no relieve of any kind. Now for the first time in 41 years, I am comfortable in my own body and feel an inner peace and happiness.

Enjoy this wonderful crazy journey we call transition. I just hope yours doesn't take 40 years to really begin seriously as mine did.

[LeaP]

Like Kaitlyn, I was very young, so my memories are hazy. I have a stronger memory of one incident in my early teens. It was the first time I "zoned out," so to speak, which I take as an indication of compartmentalization starting. The first time I underdressed for the day I experienced overwhelming relief ... waves and waves of it. That's odd because I didn't feel like I *needed* relief.

[becky77]

I was also too young to remember, I don't think there was ever a time when it wasn't part of my life. I guess there was a level of excitement to it because it was secret, the possibility of being caught adds adrenaline.
I generally found it unfulfilling and couldn't understand why, also I wasn't happy with just a dress on I had to change how I looked completely (that came later when I could buy my own stuff, the early years was basically exploration and experimentation), looking back I now believe I was searching for that inner person.

[MarisaRose.]

It's that process called discovery, first it's a concept an idea that you grasp for and accept. Then the visuals, you see yourself for the first time, it'll hang you up for a sec. It takes a little bit of time to digest, 'it's a lot to wrap your head around', the next time you dress and every time after you'll look at yourself and think, 'wow I look and feel great!!! Look out world here I come!!!' Go and be you and enjoy the discovery! You never know who you can be unless you try...

[Cheryl Ann Owens]

I won't bog down this thread with my life history and instead recommend you read many other posts by me to "get to know me."

I was 11 or 12 when I first dressed and that was about 40 years ago. Did the dating and marriage thing, two children, and the house with the white picket fence. It was a progression for me. I first loved how I looked wearing my sister's clothes and underwear. It wasn't until I met my first wife that I got a wig and makeup and completed my look. Each time there was anxiety because I could see in the mirror who I really wanted to be. Yes, it was exciting and liberating and I would have loved to give up the stereotypical guys stuff and live as a woman. Back then, forget about it! Too much baggage and society that sucked when it came to gender variance.

The key here is that to decide to fully transition, it's sometimes a long road to discovery, incorporating it into family and career, and even today dealing with a world that still has a problem with it.

I know I could transition today with a lot of work. But I still have social structures that keep me closeted. I do have great liberty to live as a woman as much as I want since I'm retired, have an accepting wife, children and friends who know, and lots of privacy. You could say I'm living the best of both worlds. I don't really need outside social interaction. I just make the best of it. I love the daily at home "housewife" things and so does my wife who works. She always hugs Cheryl when she gets home and sees all the housework done. In the morning, I'll change from my nightgown into typical women's clothing, check myself in the mirror, and still get that thrill which is part anxiety because I'm doing something few know about. I also like to indulge in really pretty things to wear, and shop mostly on-line.

Spend the time to discover who you want to be. I probably won't transition though I'd love to. But I have finally found a sense of happiness, adjustment, and many of the thrills of being a woman even with some pieces that don't really belong on me.

Cheryl

[KellyJameson]

Try to understand what you "NEED" and " WHY". For me this was the path to understanding my gender identity.

If you "need" or "want" attention understand "why"

How you get this attention may answer the "why" you want and or need it.

Was the "odd feeling" a warning that your mind was trying to give you?

Gender dysphoria is dangerous. It can create dangerous cravings.

I may be wrong but it seems as a woman it is much easier to betray yourself.

Something I have been thinking about lately.

[DebbieL]

I was 6 years old my first time. I was playing with my girl friends (most of my friends were girls), and someone suggested we trade clothes. They picked out a pretty dress, some tights, and Mary Janes for me. They giggled and dared me to put it on. I think it may have taken just a little persuasion, but when I saw the other girls trying on each others clothes, I agreed, but I changed in the bathroom. When they came out, they were shocked at how cute and pretty I looked. I felt so calm, so relaxed, so comfortable, so happy. It was like after a massage when you're so relaxed you don't want that feeling to end.

I did this a few times before one girls' mother freaked out and put an end to my playing with girls.

[Starling]

Aubrey,

...[Mom] put me into pantyhose, a body briefer all in one, a silk slip, a nice short dress, heels, and full makeup. When I looked into the mirror, I saw myself for the first time in my life as I was supposed to look. I was in heaven...



Lucky you, Donna. My mom wasn't about to do that for me, though--or because--I believe she had a feeling I was raiding her undies. A decade or two later she might have pitched in, but I grew up in the 'Fifties and 'Sixties. I had the "total transformation" privilege years later, when a woman friend who was my size dressed me, wigged me, shod me and made me up. Although I had gotten pretty close to dressing completely, I had never experienced the full enchilada. I saw straight into myself in the door mirror, and everything fell into place. God bless you Helen, wherever you are.


...I have finally found a sense of happiness, adjustment, and many of the thrills of being a woman even with some pieces that don't really belong on me.

Cheryl

Cheers to you, Cheryl Ann, for understanding that perfect is the enemy of good. The very wisest people on here agree we should find own our place of comfort, even if it's not everything we once dreamed of.

:) Lallie

[MarieTS]

Donna, your mom may have been more aware of your inner i.d. than you realize. Reading your post reminded me of a book I read a couple of years ago about a teen ts. In the boogkpp the teens mom realizes the id crisis her child is in and assists with alleviating the kid's pain. The name of the book is Luna. It just sounds like your mom went into a lot of detail for just a halloween night. She may have been using halloween
as a screen to allow you to be femme even if only gfor a short while.