a little messed up

[arbon]

In the past I have tried to convince myself that grs was not as important, for me, and that I could get by and live a decent life without it.

Maybe true as long as I never have intimate relationships and really try to ignore that need inside myself. Tell myself how tough I am I can endure and all sorts of self deception BS. I try to convince myself of this for my family because taking and saving that money for myself takes away from their lives, and I already feel so terribly guilty still for taking so much away from them because of my transition.


I got into a sexual relationship though, and realize how much I really need GRS, and how screwed up I a really am on the inside about it. Not that the sex was not good and fun, or that I have not totally fallen head over heals for the person, but keeping that area off limits during sex...I just felt so wrong about myself, so incomplete and sad.

I don't even want to say I am a woman anymore until I have that fixed.

Last night driving home from Boise I seriously thought of wrapping my car around a telephone pole. I had not thought about killing myself in a long time until yesterday. I was so depressed , that feeling of just wanting to die.


I'm angry and frustrated and depressed.

I thought I was doing so good :/

[Andy66]

:hugs: Im so glad youre still here. I always think, as long as youre still alive theres hope for a better life. When youre dead, hope dies with you. Now go out and do something positive for yourself, please. I really wish I could reach through the computer screen and give you a really big hug.

[LeaP]

PM sent ...

[Aubrey Skye]

Can't say I've exactly been in the same boat, I'm still new to this transsexual thing and very young. But early Saturday morning, when running away from home, after a huge fight with my parents I wanted to do the same. I don't know what kept me from doing it, but as Andy said, dying removes any hope we may have in a happy future. Sometimes it's hard to picture the it can be happy when all we have are these awful thoughts in our head right now and can only see this crappy present. But that's the beauty of the future, it can be anything. Glad you're still here as well!

[Natasha V]

Hi I just want to say we are all here for a reason and have a purpose in life there is always someone to live for whether they are family or friends. The time will come when you will realize what was I thinking believe me I grew up without my father from a very early age and my life has never been the same since. Please don't leave those burdens on someone you love they are left to live with asking why to themselves every night for the rest of their lives. I wish you the best hugs your way... Beautiful.

[Jorja]

First, I would hope you know that wrapping cars around trees and other actions like that solve nothing. What they do is cause deep heartache and dispare within the family that you leave behind. So much for not hurting them.

So now you have a choice, SRS or continue on as you are. Understand, having SRS is not going to solve any problems other than aligning your body with your mind. You are going to have to still pay the rent or mortgage, still take the trash out, still get up and go to work, still mow the lawn, still shovel the snow away, and still love your family. I know you will make the right decision for you and your family.

[arbon]

I do know that Jorja :) I am past feeling like killing myself.

There really is no choice in the matter anymore.

I used to really minimize how import GRS would be to me, but now it feels like the most important thing in the world. I don't want to be a woman with a penis anymore. I've had enough of that.

[Rachel Smith]

Arbon & Aubrey thinking it is OK an attempt is not lest you want to find out like I did it only hurts the people that you love and most likely love you the most.

Now moving on from that.

Arbon this all too much sounds like me and quite a few others that are here.

We think:I will just crossdress and that will be enough; and for awhile it is.

Then: I will just get counseling and do research about hormones and that will be enough; and for awhile it is

Then: I will just get hormones surely that will be enough; and for awhile it is

Then: I will live my life as a woman 24/7 that will absolutely be enough; and for awhile it is

In the end I think for most of us once we have some amount of feeling congruent we need more. I too swore I would never have GRS when I first started down this path but if I get my electrolysis completed I am sure GRS is now squarely on the map for me and will be done no matter my age if and when I have the funds. So don't fret so much you are not alone in these feelings.

Hugs
Rachel

[Bria]

Arbon and Aubrey, my heart go out to you both, I'm very sorry that you have those feelings. Like Andy, if I could I'd reach thru the computer screen and give you both a hug and tell you that you are loved. I'll remember both of you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Starling]

Arbon, you're such a beautiful woman. If you need the surgery to make you feel whole, by all means get it as soon as you can manage; and not for your sake only, but also to benefit the ones who depend on you. (And us too, I selfishly add.) Completeness and happiness are more important than money.

And thoughts of you you too, Aubrey. What a wonderful gift it is to learn who you are and what you need so early in life. You have the potential for a long life free of the need to push down your true self.

:) Lallie

[Thea Pauline]

I can add my bit to the positive side of the ledger and also agree with Rachel about the progression and potential result if I should choose to veer from my course. I too thought I could choose the changes and speed with which they came about and remain satisfied 5 years ago; I will be scheduling surgery within the next 6 months. I also need an occasional reminder of how much worse I could make things if I am not careful to keep myself happy and positive with a sense of moving forward. I still get down at times, as all humans do, but I learned by communicating with those close to me that they would consider the world a poorer place if I were not in it. I have also discovered that those feelings of shared experience apply to those we only meet virtually too, such as those on these forums. Arbon, Aubrey and all of the courageous women here; my world would be poorer without you in it.

[Sue Too]

Arbon and Aubrey Please my dear sweet friends Be Careful It's been used many times but it really rings true SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM

Run don't walk to your therapist. That's what they are there for. My prayers go out to both of you that this temporary downer will pass

Big Huggs

Susan

[Angela Campbell]

Arbon, don't feel like you are alone, I have the same issues from time to time. It comes and goes, sometimes stronger than at other times.

[KellyJameson]

Transitioning is an act of self discovery. There are layers to it. I found as I peeled back one layer another was underneath.

It is like falling down a hole while climbing up a mountain.

You have a plan and you think you know where you are going and how., but really you don't until afterwards.

It is choiceless choice where you are both puppet and puppet master but never really know when you will change between the two.

You keep going until you can stop.

GRS can be very important sexually and than there are other things you did not realize were important from it until you realize they were.

There are connections of understanding made afterwards that are impossible to know beforehand.

Things that you knew but could not confirm.

That experience of confirmation followed me closely in transitioning. Every step confirmed something in me but the next step always seems riskier than the preceding one.

It is what gave me the impetus to continue (climbing the mountain) even though I was scared out of my mind by what I was doing.

Fear holds you back but pain and the hunger for more confirmation pushes you foreward.

[PretzelGirl]

You have been through a lot to get where you are at and being where you are at shows your strength. This is another wall to climb in the obstacle course. Several walls have already been scaled. Have faith in yourself and that the future will get you where you want to be. I know if I have to pay, it may take a while. Fingers are still crossed for that insurance revolution to take hold and then we will all be good. Have faith in yourself!

[Barbara Ella]

Dear Arbon, I dearly hope you will always stop and reconsider when the negative thoughts come, as they will continue to do when a journey is left in place, even for a little while. For while we may be satisfied today, it will always be an incomplete satisfaction that depends solely on our ability to convince our self that the present works. However, the present is never a static thing, and as we become comfortable the edges become less well defined, and we wander ever closer. Until one day we are at the edge and see that the backward glance offers less of what we need than the forward vision.

My wife and i always say there are no absolutes. I only make "promises" of what I am capable of doing at the moment, and she knows that will change over time. Eventually the change may be too much for her, I don't know. It has progressed through hormones to full facial electrolysis, which will work for awhile. I don't know what is next, BA, or facial surgeries. I say GRS is not in my future, but that too may change. I am 68, but Dr. Leis said that his oldest GRS was 77, so who knows.

Key is not to beat yourself up over this change in direction, for that is all it is, it is not an abandonment of anyone or anything, it is your development coming to the fore. Do not decry the change, use it and embrace the new you, and strive to achieve it.

Stay well,

Barbara

[docrobbysherry]

Arbon, when u r feeling terrible it's important to recall good times. Because good times WILL RETURN! U just need to get past the bad ones.

And, as Susan mentioned? Depression is not normal and extremely dangerous if u suffer it often. Please be sure u have the number of someone that u can call for help whenever those feeling begin to overwhelm u.

[jaleecd]

Arbon,
I have followed your journey and have cheered you on as you explored your feminine self. I hear the cry to be complete as you begin to open yourself to love as a woman, with all that entails. You are lovable, choosable and acceptable to who ever you have invested that much emotional energy into. Please do not prejudge what you have to offer to that signifant other. You are worthy of love, and will not be able to begin to count the ones who do love you exactly where you are at in your journey.

[becky77]

Hi Arbon sorry to hear you're down but as you well know those bad days do come around, it really is a stressful journey but equally on those bad days you need to bring fourth memories of the good days.
You are much further along than me so I can see how disappointing it will be to think you have got past this stuff.

You need GRS simple as that, most likely so much has been happening in your life that it's been ok to put it out of mind, the truth is you have most likely come to a place in your life where things are feeling normal, so suddenly the importance of GRS has no more distractions.
Getting in a sexual relationship is great but this now brings the issue into stark reality, you're a woman and women don't have penis's. That's how you feel inside so there is no point hiding from it, you need a plan to make this a reality. Stop putting it off because of your family, because you unhappy or driving into a tree will do far more damage to them in the long run.
You have done excellent so far, pick yourself up again and move on. You know what you have to do, keep your mind on the goal and make it happen.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

You've come a long way to get to this point.
I've noticed over the years you have a lot of strength and wisdom.

You are experiencing life as it was meant to be but part of that is learning and this is new and important information for you.
Those GD feelings that expand inside of us are terrible and scary and i'm sure it was a shock to feel them again...

I know you can apply what you've learning in your life to make a good decision for yourself and execute it, but I know in the meantime those feelings might stick around and you are going to be dealing with them..

its more important than ever to take good care of yourself..

[arbon]

Its such a crazy up and down journey. So many highs and low's.
It can get so complicated.