Coming out to my family, preparation and concerns

[Michelle789]

I am planning on coming out to my family, who lives on the east coast and thus 3000 miles away from me, on November 1. I may spread it out over several days. I will becoming out to three family members: my mom, brother, and my dad. I have no other family members that I currently speak to, so it's only three people. I'm not sure if I am coming out to my brother or my mom first, but I am definitely coming out to my dad last.

I am both very excited and nervous. I am excited that I will be able to share my truth with my family and be able to live authentically with them when I speak to them over the phone, as well as when I visit them for Christmas. I am also nervous on how they might react. I am worried they might disown me, and whether or not they disown me that they might try to guilt trip me and talk me out of transition. My family isn't religious, in fact they vote liberal and claim to be for gay rights, and are very anti-religion. That doesn't mean they will accept me as trans. I am 34 years old and currently working as a woman. Here are some of the things I fear them saying.

1. They might flat out disown me
2. "Shame on you"
3. "I'm disappointed in you"
4. "Being a woman sucks"
5. "Being a woman is a very hard life"
6. "Why would you want to give up your male privilege?"
7. "Are you on drugs?"
8. "Why would you do this to yourself?"
9. "Jesus Christ, God Almighty [insert male name here]"
10. "Believe me, you don't want to be a woman"
11. "I am very worried about your financial future if you transition"
12. "I am very worried about your safety being a woman"
13. "I am very worried about your safety being trans"
14. "You're ruining your life"
15. "How are you going to pay for the surgery?"
16. "Stop taking hormones because you might get a blood clot"
17. "You'll never pass as a woman"
18. "You'll make a fat and ugly woman"
19. "What are the neighbors going to think?" [Please keep in mind that I visit them once a year so our neighbors will see me when I come home; my home town is a small conservative northeastern town that is not the worst place in the world...the deep south is far worse...but it is definitely going to be less accepting than L.A. or NYC is.]
20. "You can't do this, everyone in [insert town name] is going to think we're just a bunch of freaks." [See note next to #19]
21. "You can't do this, dad is going to have a heart attack"
22. "You can't do this, dad will think it's all my fault"
23. "I should have sent you to the military"
24. "Man up"
25. Mom and dad fighting over this
26. Mom and dad blaming each other for me being trans
27. Lots of crying from everyone
28. Getting yelled at by everyone
29. "You're such a liar for keeping this from us for so long"
30. "Why didn't you talk to us before you decided to start taking hormones?"
31. "Why didn't you talk to us before you decided to come out at work?"
32. "Why didn't you talk to us about how you felt about your gender sooner?"
33. "I don't believe anything you say any more. You are a liar."
34. Mom and dad blaming my therapist for being a quack
35. Mom and dad blaming someone else for causing me to be gender dysphoric or deciding to transition

Has anyone feared your family members saying any of these things? Has anyone actually been told any of these things by family members when coming out?

Thank you. I would appreciate your responses. I am preparing mentally, spiritually, and am working on what to say to my family. I am also planning on having several people to call to tell them about their reactions.

[PretzelGirl]

Michelle, there are always a lot of fears. My advice is to set them all aside. Go at this with nothing but positive thoughts and attitude. If you go with that, you have a chance of a positive outcome. If you go with negative thoughts and attitudes, then you can be sure to achieve what you are looking at getting. It will be fine and have faith in that!

[Rogina B]

If you think their responses are included in your list..I will say..Save your money and don't bother wasting it on a plane trip home for Christmas!!

[Stephania]

Michelle, Have a positive attitude. you may be genuinely surprised at the outcome. I came out to my family in April and May, and for the most part they were very accepting. Everything will be fine.

[MonicaJean]

Michelle, your timing of this topic is amazing. I spent a good couple hours in the middle of this past night awake, wondering how to approach coming out to my parents. At the end of my mind battle, I realized, simply being truthful by showing them the hellish emotional battle and upbeat while allowing them the room for any of their emotions, fears, questions to also come out.

Finally, I was able to get back to sleep too late to have a good night's sleep, but that will be the last time I allow this battle to rage in my head. It's done. It's settled. I have a plan, and it's simple. I echo what the others have said, stay positive and just be genuine.

[LeaP]

Your mind is racing ... nothing like anticipation. It's a natural self-protective instinct, even if it can drive you to distraction. Even so, there is no way you can predict all possible responses or scenarios, so try to let that go. You are there to be yourself and deliver a message. Nothing beyond that is subject to your control anyway.

[I Am Paula]

Go into with the mindset that parent's love is unconditional. It's much easier, and more productive than just negative thoughts. Good luck. I wish that everybody's coming out goes as easily as mine did.

[Bria]

Michelle, I believe that you are overthinking this, certainly you are approaching an important moment in your life, but you have charted this path for good reasons, tell your family these reasons and let the chips fall where they may.

I will pray that your family will respond with unconditional love.

Hugs, Bria

[MsVal]

... and then there is the possibility that you may hear "Yeah, we knew all along."

[Jorja]

Michelle, allow me to ask a question. What if you family completely rejects you on this, is this going to stop you from carrying out your plans to transition? My guess would be NO. Like others are saying, you are over thinking it. All you can do is sit them down, tell them , and deal with the aftermath. One would hope for success but that doesn't always happen. There is life after telling. Sometimes you just have to work a little harder for it.

[Kimberly Kael]

I've heard 8, 11, 13, 14, 17, 18, 19, 21, 24, 26, and 35 or variations thereof from my father. Which is pretty amazing given how little we've communicated in the years since I transitioned. He's also the only person on the planet who voiced any concerns at all, so I suspect you'll get a lot of these or none of them from any given family member. Trying to guess which ones to prepare for is pretty pointless since they're all just a proxy for "I'm uncomfortable and don't want to deal with this, please make it go away."

[I Am Paula]

Jorja brings up a good point. When I came out on Facebook, a common response was 'Well, that was inevitable'.

[Michelle789]

Thank you all for your responses. I will try to keep a positive attitude about this.

@Kimberly - Why am I not surprised at you hearing #26 and 35. I feel like my parents would most likely give me #26 and 35. I will let you know the outcome in a few weeks.

[sarahcsc]

Hi Michelle,

Can I add a #36 to it?

36. "You are possessed by the demon and I will get you exorcised"

Lol. My mother said that to me.

After faking a seizure or two during the exorcism, I walked away unchanged with my mother's hopes dashed. haha :D

Okay, my mother did want me exorcised but I managed to dodge the exorcism.

I like how you have listed out all your fears on a list but don't fall prey to your own bias by actively looking for faults in your family just because you expect them to.

It is normal for families to have an adjustment reaction so just let them have it and see where that takes you.

Just pack your bags and leave if they start calling the local priest or police. Hey, you never know. :)

Love,
Sarah

[arbon]

OMG! You actually had an exorcism done on you sarah? Thats horrible, and funny (sorry!)

[Michelle789]

Just pack your bags and leave if they start calling the local priest or police. Hey, you never know. :)


Haha. My parents are anti-religion, so I doubt they're calling a priest. I understand a lot of us had religious parents so I could see why some parents might try an exorcism.

Ironically, I am the religious one in my family. I recently started going to church back in May, and I feel like my parents might actually have a worse time with me going to church than being trans, well.....maybe. I just want to add that the church I go to is very LGBT accepting, and does not preach that anyone is going to hell. There are about 10-12 trans people who go to my church.

[Kimberly Kael]

@Kimberly - Why am I not surprised at you hearing #26 and 35. I feel like my parents would most likely give me #26 and 35. I will let you know the outcome in a few weeks.

Please do. I was particularly entertained that my father insisted that (a) my wife must have put me up to this, and (b) she would leave me because of it. Never mind the obvious inconsistency, like I said the specific issues he brought up are really attempts to justify his own discomfort. He asserted that I'd ruin my life and I'd never get another job if I left my employer. When I sent out the news a few years later that we were moving to pursue an exciting opportunity, did that reassure him any? Heck, no. He was ticked that we would wind up living much closer to him, and his real issue seems to be that he assumes everyone will think badly of him because I exist. Curiously, he doesn't seem the least bit worried that anyone will think badly of him for completely cutting off all meaningful contact with his only child.

[Dianne S]

I don't know your family, so I have no idea how they would react.

My Dad died before I came out to anyone, so I don't know for sure how he would have reacted. My mother and sisters were shocked, but they said: We love you no matter what, and if this is who you are, then we will love you as that person.

As a parent myself, I cannot imagine disowning my children unless they did something truly heinous to other people. I cannot imagine how any parent could disown his or her child for trying to live an authentic life.

[Barbara Ella]

Michelle, at times like this, our minds can only focus on the negative aspects that will devastate our life as we want it. I had all the same fears when I came out to my wife, and then our daughters and their husbands. I have received nothing but support, even if it took the wife several years.

If you want to make lists, I would only ask that you also make a list of the positive things that they could say. If you can make as extensive a list of positives as you have made negatives, I am sure it will help ease your thoughts.

What it boils down to is we accept, or reject you, by one or more. There could be intermediate feelings if they acknowledge a lack of knowledge about your situation. Please be ready to educate them and be tolerant and respectful of whatever they may say. Remember that things said in a stressful situation often fall into the "wish I could change what I said" after time passes. That applies to what you might say as well.

I wish you well with this. There comes a time when it is just the right thing to do. Only you know when that time happens, and if it is this November, you go girl.

Hugs,

Barbara

[Michelle789]

Barbara,

I will follow your advice and come up with a list of positive things they could say.

1. "Congratulations!!!"
2. "I am so happy for you!!!"
3. "This is so exciting!!!"
4. "We will finally have a daughter"
5. "I will finally have a sister"
6. "It's about time"
7. "We knew all along"
8. "That explains a lot of things"
9. "You always seemed more like a girl"
10. "Why am I not surprised?"
11. "You will do better at your job because you are more comfortable in your own skin"
12. "You will get your best salary as a girl and in Los Angeles"
13. "Do you have any boyfriends yet?"
14. "When will I get to meet your boyfriend?"
15. "Are you straight or lesbian?"
16. "You seem way more relaxed since coming out"
17. "You make a far better woman than you ever did a man"
18. "You look really pretty as a woman"
19. "If you're happy, than I'm happy"
20. "I'd rather have a living transgender daughter than a dead son"
21. "Well, at least your a straight woman"
22. "I'm glad you found some peace and serenity in your life"
23. "You go girl!!!"
24. "I knew something had to change, but I just didn't know what it is"
25. "You look like a professional woman"
26. "I like that you now actually care about your appearance"
27. "I can't wait to go shopping with you!!!"
28. "What's your new email address"
29. "You seem way more natural as a woman"
30. "You seem way happier now and I can tell"
31. "I can't wait to buy you something girly for Christmas!!!"
32. "You're such a girly girl!!!"
33. "I'm grateful you can be honest with yourself and with us"
34. "You're so brave"
35. "It takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself"

After speaking with my therapist I am going to write a lengthy letter which includes explaining my gender dysphoria as well as what I am doing now and how I feel about myself. I am going to send it by email on November 1. This is how my therapist feels it would be best to come out.

[KaceyR]

After speaking with my therapist I am going to write a lengthy letter which includes explaining my gender dysphoria as well as what I am doing now and how I feel about myself. I am going to send it by email on November 1. This is how my therapist feels it would be best to come out.

You know... I think that's a pretty dang good way to put it all out there.
I think I'll do the same...but myself I'll print it out and hand it to her in person at the start.
While I don't expect anything "too" bad with my mom.. having something like this allows you to explain things fully this way from the start and get all "important" points across before the discussion can begin to get diverted down bad paths by excess emotion from both sides.

[Rachel Smith]

Michelle,

I too was full of fear but for me it went mostly well and I hope the same for you. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. That is all we can really do anyway.

[Michelle789]

The big day is almost here. I'll be sending my family an email on Saturday morning. I think the stress of this has manifested into a cold lol.

[Suzanne F]

Michelle
Good luck!!!!! I hope it goes well. We will be right here for you.
Hugs
Suzanne

[MonicaJean]

Michelle, I’m taking notes to use when I come out to them next week. Good luck and God Bless you in the stressful time!

[charlenesomeone]

Michelle, all the best to you. Let us know how it goes.
Big cyber hug for courage.