Is being openly out to dress all you want ?

[Teresa]

I was on the forum last night when I heard my wife home early ! The old PC is getting slow at shutting down and just holding the power button is not the best idea, but it was still annoying !

So my wife knows about my CDing and doesn't wish to see it, but what is really screwing me up is all the cloak and dagger stuff ! At one time being ingenious about hiding things was acceptable, but now it's just tedious and very wearing !
I've become more paranoid about people using my computer since my son searched for my internet password when I was on holiday, my hidden clothes are less secure now since I told my wife where they were and she's letting the oldest grandson go where he chooses ! I can now only pay cash for for my things, so I have no credit card trails since a blow up about finances !
Some members will just say find new hiding places, get new passwords ! The problem is you're still playing the cloak and dagger game ! Besides age or senility set in and all the new passwords have to be written down somewhere or you just use one for everything !
Maybe I should tell my wife that I realise she doen't want to see me dressed but I am a member of an online forum, I do buy clothes sometimes and I want somewhere mutually agreeable to store my things safely !
I will have to do something soon because dealing with CDing is enough without all the other secrecy !
I can't promise her which way my CDing will go, you only have to read Confucious's desciption of brain chemistry to know none of us can make cast iron promises !

Sorry girls I must try and lighten up and maybe let Teresa do a bit of underdressing/ overdressing when walking the dog, always some fun to be had there !

[Katey888]

Teresa, dear - you are kind of locked into a cloak and dagger game here... and if it is 'screwing you up' then I do find myself leaning towards the opinions here that suggest you need to reach some other sort of accommodation with your wife.

If it is not possible for you to agree some time for you... well.. I really don't know what to suggest. You have a condition and your wife's intransigence to discuss or allow you to properly manage this condition is causing you psychological distress and pain... I'm sorry, but you are not going to be able to find a way through this without genuinely confronting the issue... if she continues to deny you this basic human right it's like she's denying you, as a complete person, exists. I can't think of anything worse than being so downtrodden you feel this way... I wish I could offer an easier option but I think that's the truth... Sorry about the expression, but I think it's to 'man up'... :hugs:

Small tip for passwords: store all your passwords in Excel and then password protect the file - just one to remember then... :) Excel is pretty much uncrackable by normal folk, as long as you don't use an obvious password for the file.

Katey x

[Raychel]

Might be a good time to have another talk with your wife.
It has taken years but I am open to everyone around here,
I dress as I please look at what I want on the computer,
and it is great

I was a very long time in your same position,
Hiding clothes, minimizing windows on the computer, all round hiding.
In all honesty, when all was out in the open, I feel it s easier
for my wife to deal with, I don't think she really likes it much,
but she is able to deal and accepts this is just part of me.

[Marcelle]

Hi Teresa,

I feel your angst in your words along with your frustration. Yes hiding, storing, securing, cloak and dagger games can become tedious and very emotionally draining. A relationship is a two-way street and both parties have the right to be happy in whatever form they can be happy. I am not saying that you should lay down the law and say this is the way it will be but I am sure some accord can be struck. It appears to me you are in a DADT relationship and that is fine if it is working for you. However, I don't think it is beyond reason to expect a defined placed to store your things so long as she does not have to see them. Nor is it beyond reason to belong to a support forum such as this one if it is going to help you cope with CDing. Perhaps you could arrange a mutually agreeable time during which you are online she respects that and you don't have to worry about shutting down the computer.

I have always maintained that boundaries are good but they need to be mutually agreeable . . . we have done nothing bad, immoral or perverse . . . this is not a choice by any stretch of the imagination. So I will have to be in the "talk to your wife" camp. You might be surprised that she may be amenable to some compromise if you let her know how important it is to your well being.

Hugs

Isha

[Margot Emerson]

Hi Teresa.

First of all, just for context, my wife is very supportive, so I'm coming from a different place, but there was a time when she had no clue, so I understand some of where you're at now.

Seems to me from what you wrote that you really only have one option if you don't want to hide this anymore, and that's to talk to her. You really don't know what her current limits are unless you ask, you only have your own perception. I don't know how long ago you established the current ground rules with her, but maybe she just doesn't know how much its bothering you, and there might be an intermediate step you can both agree on?

Personally, I couldn't do the 'covert' thing. Its just too, too hard, so I can imagine your feelings.

I hope you find your way. Good luck.

[JayeLefaye]

Oh Teresa,

My heart goes out.

..."The difference is my low point disappeared into a dark hole at the bottom of the graph from which I nearly didn't reappear"....do you really want to go there again? Do you honestly think your wife wants you to go there again? This isn't about a hobby, this is about your emotional and mental well-being.

Have a chat. Ask for support...and we'll all be hoping for the best!

Jaye

[Mollyanne]

I so do understand the "secrecy game". I to was in the same position. My wife has seen me partially dressed and is not really happy about it but accepts the fact(s) that this is who I am. I don't flaunt it but you can't miss the fact that I have a woman's chest (bra w/forms), pantyhose and panties. She has seen me at my computer dressed this way while also wearing jeans and a feminine top. The major differences here are that my grown children and or grandchildren don't live with us and they come over sparingly and all of Molly's things are in my dresser.
Perhaps a sitdown with the wife and some form of agreements are in order here. The secrecy game never works and in most cases leads to some very unpleasant outcomes.

BTW, have you "cleaned" your computer of junk files, deleted corrupted registry files, maxed out the ram memory and have defrag the HDD's. All this will speed up the machine once done. Good Luck

Molly

[kimdl93]

Give candor a chance.

[ChristinaK]

Teresa
I feel your pain. Many of us have the same problems. You love your wife and are afraid to push the issue to far. At least that's the way i\ is for me. But, you, all of us, should be able to express ourselves freely, even if it's not in front of her. We should have some space for our things without worrying about the consequences. But, for many people that don't understand, we are perverts. Unfortunately, that includes some of our spouses.

Just not sure if there is a good answer. Maybe counseling for you both so she can understand how her attitude affects you.

My wife wouldn't go for that though, I'm quite sure. She feels like she is being hurt by my oddity. It's tough being who we are and trying to get our wives to understand.

Good luck and thanks for the post. It made me feel a little less alone. I hope to see another one on how you fixed the problem. For me, I accept her feelings and try to continue DADT.

[Stephanie Julianna]

If misery loves company, I'm kind of in the same spot. My wife knows I go on CD sites and read TG fiction as well. Years ago we had found common ground where she let me dress as part of a group activity with a local outreach group. I also did dressing with a CD admirer for years who lived through my ability to pass. She was always aware of when I was doing this. Then I made the crazy attempt to stop for almost 5 years. When I crashed she was sadly disappointed. She thought I somehow had "cured" myself. I have not yet been able to get her back to that level of allowing me to dress openly with her knowledge. I will have to because we will both be retired soon and with her home all the time we will have to find an outlet that does not violate each others space. It is just so hard when the other person will not make any effort to learn more about crossdressing and understand what it is about and how it really doesn't change who they really married. My wife's biggest fear is public exposure. That's a real fear for most SO's because somehow they feel that the following expected outcry will tranfer to them as well. In the end openess is always best but that does not mean it will be any easier for your wife.

[Eringirl]

Hi Teresa:

totally get where you are coming from as I am in the same place as you and other girls here, including Stephanie Julianna. ( :hugs: to you both).

My So has clearly stated that she has no desire to "learn" about this. This is about me getting "fixed", or leave. So, back in therapy again to get grounded and have some time to recoup and look at options from a more stable state. I am not sure what those will be. I came out to my wife 15 years ago, and in and out of therapy with the same therapist since then. have been able to contain/hide it for a long period of time, but it is getting harder and harder. But I continue to try, for her sake. Not sure where this is going to take me in the long run as I fear something is going to have to give. I hope that you are able to find a common ground. Good luck, keep us in the loop.

Erin

[NicoleScott]

...my wife knows about my CDing and doesn't wish to see it...

Some DADT relationships are negotiated, and some are settled into without much discussion but rather a fuzzy mutual understanding. It sounds like yours is a de facto DADT. It seems to me that bringing up the matter will send a message to her that you are starting down the slippery slope of boundary creep for the purpose of getting her acceptance. Sometimes there's a wall at the bottom of that slippery slope and it's too late to avoid slamming into it. I'd rather deal with the secrecy inconveniences than stir things up with her.

[Rachael Leigh]

Teresa those of us in a relationship like yours which I am feel your frustration. I am able to keep my clothes mix in a closet with my male stuff and it is separate with my wife's. I too did the cash buying but when I finally decided I was tired of lying to her about what I bought I just told her I may buy clothes and you will see the purchase pop up on our credit bill. She still questions me when I do that and thats hard but I just tell her the truth. I tell her I look for sales and I dont go crazy by limiting how much I spend. Its tough for sure and while I would love for my wife to have a full acceptance of this Im learning to respect her feelings and try not to let it bother me.
I wish you the best and just hang in there hon

[AngelaYVR]

I often wonder if the tables were turned that a lot of wives would be filing divorce on the grounds of mental cruelty.

Angela xx

[kimdl93]

Don't "tell", just "talk". Nothing eases and deflates fears like open and honest conversation. Don't set out to change her mind. Use the opportunity to hear her concerns...again and again.

[docrobbysherry]

I know exactly how u feel, Teresa.

After 15 years of totally stress free dressing, my daughter moved in with me full time 2 years ago. After months of sneaking, hiding, stories, and nearly getting caught? CDing was no longer much fun for me. So, I told her.

That was a year and 1/2 ago. She didn't and doesn't approve. Doesn't want to see me or hear about Sherry. So, we r in a DADT arrangement. Which is MUCH BETTER THAN BEFORE! No more lying, hiding, or getting caught. When I'm going to do a session in or around the house I warn her in advance. She can stay away or hide in the house where she won't see me. When I'm going out I tell her, get dressed, and go out thru the garage. And, return the same way.

U 2 need to calmly discuss what u need to do and when and how she can avoid seeing or hearing about Teresa.

[Teresa]

Thanks for everyone being so supportive, I feel I owe some apology for hitting the same spot in their own Cding situation !
To take up the point that Katey made about taking contol and manning up, I know it's something that's got to happen, I'm not a wimp but depite what I'm tolerating I have to consider the load my wife has. She has to work unsociable hours and in between babysit for our three grandchildren for four half days every week ( which I help her with ). She gets pretty tired and would rather not have my problems on top, I can't help thinking if I could persuade her to let me come out it would relieve the tension on both of us, that situation has to happen sooner or later ! She just needs to let it go, I guess it lets her out of the closet as well, which is the way some see it !

Angela your comment raises a good point but I don't think I'll be persuing it !

Kim I posted a thread in Loved Ones on the honesty issue, I would love to be open and honest with my wife, but I'm beginning to think the shoe is on the other foot and my wife is stringing me along just a little with being open and honest ! I may just suggest that if there's anything she wants to say or ask I will talk openly and calmly with her and see if she takes the bait !

Thanks also for your tips on the computer, the problem is easily solved if my wife knew about the forum because she keeps telling me to use her laptop rather than shut myself off in my workroom !

Sorry I'm going to finish with a niggle ! My wife now lets my three year old grandson put makeup on her, she made a joke about work friends commenting on her excessive eye liner and lipstick, I just smiled back but inside I was thinking are you insensitive or just thick, because it did feel like salt being rubbed in the wounds !

[Beverley Sims]

Teresa,
I think most of us are in the same boat and the degree of cloak and dagger varies greatly.
Just because there are some lucky ones here I still think they harbour some fears and just have hope.
It is good therapy to get on here as an outlet even if you have to do it behind closed curtains.
Riding a train I find that everyone passing likes to look so I at least hide the logo.

[Tina_gm]

When you say to be out or open, are you implying it to be totally? My situation is not completely unlike yours, but for me there is no hiding of this site, and what stuff I do have is out of basic sight, but not hidden in a super secret vault. CDing is not part of our daily discussion. It gets discussed, typically briefly from time to time. My wife knows that when I am home and she is not, I will likely be dressing. So, she will inform me when she is on her way home. Nothing more needs to be said. Living the way I do with my wife won't drastically change the way you live with your wife. But I am far from being totally open or out. The way I live now greatly reduces the stress you are feeling yet is still not a daily part of our marriage, and she does not see me dressing.

[Maria 60]

How much life would be better without this burden we carry on our shoulders, and then once dressed and just the all around feeling, you can't stop and ask, if only men who never dressed in women clothing really know what there missing. The hiding and the computer paranoia you almost wonder how we sleep at night. It's part of the territory and we have to always be aware and make sure we don't slip. It must be worth it, I don't hear of to many people quitting. Be strong and be patient and hopefully things will get easier.

[sometimes_miss]

Can't help with everything, but basic computer privacy is pretty simple (unless your relatives possess even basic hacking skills). Create a new user to use for any CD related computer use. Use a browser that deletes all content upon closing the program; in other words, stop using internet explorer, because it has been designed to hide your browsing and personal information for law enforcement access for later use, and you never know where it's going to bury that information on your computer. Usernames, limit them to a few. Store your list in a password protected document. Passwords are simple, I developed this method a long time ago, and it works easily, and becomes second nature after a little while.
Think of any two people that have been in your life; I use two from different eras just to make it more random. Make them a couple. I'll give you an example later. Now, take the name of one, and the birthdate/anniversary of the other. Start with the numeral of the date, and alternate the numbers and the letters of the other person's name, of course use one capital letter, say, the last letter of the person's name just to be different. Also, reverse the letters of the person's name. Now you have a bizarre password that no one could guess unless they know all the people you know.

Say, my grandmother and first boss, Louie.
Grandma's name is Marie. Louie's birthday was 060445. Password becomes 0E6i0r4a4m5, about as random looking as anyone could see. Now use this formula and create 5 other randomly assigned couples, and make those couples odd enough so that you'll remember them. Then, all you have to do is remember the couples, and you'll automatically remember the passwords, or at least be able to look it up somewhere if you forget them.
Yes, typing them at first will seem a little complicated, but after a short while, 'muscle memory' will enable you to type them very quickly. Yes, you will have to use two people for whom you know at least one of their birthdays/anniversaries, but use the same formula for all the passwords unless you want to mix yourself up. After a few months, you'll probably never forget those passwords.
This will give you six random passwords that won't be easy to guess. Of course, for sites that you don't need to be quite secure, such as, oh, a website about hamster wheels, where you can use a simply password like bluehamster for your password for all of them, because those websites contain nothing of value to be stolen should anyone guess your password. .
For my important passwords, don't use relatives, or at least, not close ones (a great uncle would probably not be guessed, for example, to be paired with the gay midget you met once at a porn convention).