help

[lynda]

hi need help six months ago my wife passed away, i went completly nuts till i just purged all my girl stuff, i wanted to find me . then weeks later the pink fog moved inand now all i do is dress and buy more girly stuff . this is not who i am.it makes my head hurt and the booze flow.i feel like im on a roller coaster ride. if you you have anything that can stop areat least slow down this fog im in .help hugs lynda

[paulaprimo]

hi lynda, i'm so sorry about your wife's passing. i doubt there is anything i can say other for you to seek professional help.
i always thought it wasn't me either until i finally gave in and accepted it, as it was me. i'm also pretty sure that the booze is
not helping the situation. i do wish you the very best of luck in dealing with this.... hugs, paula :)

[Yoshisaur]

I'm sorry about your wife's passing Lynda, and like Paula said I would suggest professional help. I sincerly wish you the best of luck and hope that you can get the help your looking for.

[lynda]

let me tell you a little about myself. when i was 5 my grandfater cauth me with some of my mothers cloths. he beat me with a cane and told never do it again. i learned to hide it right away. so time passedand my father found out about me he threw me out of his houseand told not to come back till i was a man .i loved himand then he passed away. and my mother aceped me she understood the funny thing they all thouth i was gay. that would have been a lot better .but i was streat .i could only make love to women. then my wife of 38 years we had a dadt marrege .so all the times i snuck away to dress . i wish i spent with her. because shes all that matterd. she was my everything. and now shes goneandnow im in this pink fog and im more then this .in think crossdressing is a curse, im not trying to put you folks down i love you people .you understand me more then most. so now i drink to much and dress i cant stand it its been a curse to me. hugs lynda

[Teresa]

Lynda I don't think you'd be the only one reacting like this, I 'm sorry for the loss of your wife, I'm 63 and nowdays it feels too young to lose someone !
I don't know how I'd act in the same circumstances maybe it 's worse because of being in a DADT marriage, like me I think you're trying to make up for lossed time ! If you dare go with it, it may burn itself out and you may settle to some normality again !
You don't mention children so I don't know what support and help you can call on to get you through this !
Cding may not be the curse you think it is eventually it may be something that pulls you through !

Please try and take care of yourself and try not to make the bottle your best friend !! Teresa.

[DeeArel]

I would suggest you seek to meet people outside the house. You do not need to dress. You do not need to meet another CD. You need to break the loneliness and time alone.

However, if you give us a hint as to where you may live, you may find that there are many of us in your area. I love to meet others such as myself.

[EllenJo]

Lynda, like others that have replied to your post, please seek some professional help. You are dealing with several issues all at once. I don't know if your wife was ill for a long time or if she passed suddenly. A good counselor can help you sort all of these things out.
Bless you
Ellen Jo

[Marcelle]

Hi Lynda,

Firstly my condolences on the loss of your wife. I am sorry but IMO there is nothing here that we (the forum) can offer you but support during this trying time. I truly believe this is not about CDing as it is a symptom to a much larger pain . . . grief. Grief is never an easy thing to deal with and we all deal with it differently. You are most likely finding solace in the one thing that can take your mind off your grief but in the end it won't as the grief returns and you have to ramp things up (more dressing) to help quell the pain and when that does not help or becomes confusing, liquor enters the picture. You really need to deal with your grief and once you do, you will most likely find the "pink fog" will roll back a bit. However that is just my opinion on this. I would seek out the expertise of a grief counsellor or someone equally qualified to help you deal and cope. If counselling is not your thing, do you have family and friends to reach out to?

Hugs

Isha

[CostaRicaRachel]

Hi Lynda, I'm very empathize with you about the loss of your wife. I'm sure you feel very alone and
empty. I agree with the others, you are dealing with several issues, maybe you should see a professional.

I do have one piece of advice, when I fell into my great despair, I began working out regularly, lifting weights,
and I would do a lot of outdoor activities like hiking and biking. I also began reading novels in my spare time.
The exercise made be feel better about myself and keeping busy kind of kept my mind off things.

This was just me, I hope this helps.

[Mollyanne]

Please accept my heartfelt condolences w/regard to the passing of your wife. This does leave a very big hole in one's heart and soul. I will tell you straight out that the booze isn't helping this. I have no idea as to where you live but there are groups that deal with the loss of a spouse. Talk to your minister or priest and he or she will guide you. Should you not want to discuss this with them use the "net" to find the groups in your area. Time will soften this blow and the wound will somewhat heal but will never disappear. I can only speak for myself but I think we all here can sympathize with you.

Molly

[sometimes_miss]

Hi Lynda, like EllenJo wrote, you're dealing with several things all at the same time. One big one, is loss of physical affection. Simple touch; hugs, holding someone's hand, etc.. Research has shown that denying affection to an infant causes all kinds of psychological problems later in life, and they stop there. No one bothered to research what withdrawal from physical affection does to older humans. Well, I found out. In my teens, no one touching me other than to hit me, I experienced deep longing for love, and frequent feelings of a constricting feeling about my chest, making it feel difficult to breath, as if someone was squeezing me, not letting me inhale all the way. Went to the doctor and they ran all kinds of tests. Nothing was physically wrong with me. But the feelings persisted. Later in my life, I learned that that feeling reocccured whenever I was deprived of affection; it took anywhere from three to about six months for it to manifest the symptoms again, but it definitely coincided with being alone all the time.

You'll see it more in men than women, because women are more free to touch each other, hugs between women are common, while for men, we get that short embrace with multiple slaps on the back and then push each other away because of the 'I don't want to be seen or feel gay' stigma in our society.

Women know when they want to hold someone and be held. Men do not; our sex drive is so strong, that when we feel the need for affection we mistake it for a need for sex. Because when we have sex, we are fulfilling our need for affection (to a degree) at the same time. Then when we feel alone again the next day, we again think it's that we need sex. You see this behavior a lot, where men seek out random women over and over, not knowing what's missing in their lives, but have that longing for it. and again, because of the high sex drive, think that's what is missing. But what's missing, is affection; not sex.

To a limited degree, you can feed this need for affection with pets; something you can hold works better, such as a big friendly dog.

I found my 'therapy' in lap dancers. I go to dancer bars, figure out which one is going to be more friendly (and by friendly, I DO NOT MEAN THAT THEY WILL HAVE SEX WITH ME), and just sit and hug and caress her instead of having her squirm all over trying to get me sexually excited. At no time to I ever try to kiss her, touch her breasts or anywhere near her genitals, because as much as I might enjoy that, it's not why I'm with her. And once they sense that I'm not going to do anything I'm not supposed to, they relax and I get the affection I need. It does get expensive. But it works for me. But if you're not willing to pay for what you need, then go the dog route (extra benefit to that later).

At this point in your life, there are lots more single women than there are men. It's just meeting them that can be difficult, as our dating skills are pretty much shot after being married for so long. But you're going to have to get yourself out there. Oh, and stop drinking so much, being intoxicted is not attractive to anyone.

As far as the pink fog, well you've lost the only person who could help defer the desire to crossdress at all when your wife passed away. So now the desire to dress up comes on with a vengeance, and now way to hold it back. So, don't. Allow yourself to dress up around the house as much as you want, and wear your 'standard issue male' costume (normal men's clothes) when you go out.

And talk to a grief counselor. Most major hospitals have a crisis line, and they will chat with you and also be able to refer you to a therapist to follow up with. However, you'd be better off having a therapist that specializes in gender issues as well, because most therapists won't understand how it all interconnects with the rest of your problems. I don't know where you live, but somewhere on the net is a listing of gender specialist therapists, I will try to find it anc come back and post the links.

In the meantime, take things day by day. Look for little things in your life that you enjoy, and cherish those. Stand in the sunshine. Listen to favorite music. Watch action movies (dramas with lots of love interests are probably not a great idea right now). If you like to drive, take rides. Go swimming, if you don't have a pool access or live somewhere warm, lots of big hotels have 'clubs' where you join just to go swimming in their pools and use their gyms. Go out to eat regularly at the same place; the staff will get to know you and it'll feel almost like home.

More to come when I find the links.

You will have to check through the links to find your area, but there are some gender therapists pretty much everywhere, and where there aren't, some hospitals have two way skype like setups so you can see the person you're talking to.

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?tr=Hdr_Brand

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

http://www.abgender.com/support.htm

http://www.njsg.org/ this in NJ

Of course, if you tell us what state you live in, we can narrow it down and some here can probably even give you a referral to good therapists in your area.

If you really feel like crap, just call your local hospital, if they don't have a crisis hot line they can give you the nearest place that has mental health services so there's always someone to talk to.



Alex/Lexi, whoever I wind up feeling like today.

[Beverley Sims]

Like every one else her Lynda, I say look for outside help.

There is nothing wrong with going to Alcoholics Anonymous if you have a drinking problem, ther is no shame in that.
It will take time to rehabilitate yourself after your wife's passing.
That is always a very hard act to follow.
Don't get morose, go and communicate with friends without mentioning your troubles too much.
They are more likely to help ypu if you can avoid burdening them with too much sorrow.
Seeking advice from a counseullor at a centre somewhere would be a good start.
Even getting on here and telling us about the good things you are doing will go a long way to helping you recover.

[Sarah Beth]

I have to go along with most of what the others have said here. Mourning and grief can be difficult processes for anyone. It's very obvious that your wife was the world to you. I have been married for 40 years and I honestly don't know where I would be if I lost her. There are professionals who specialize in helping people deal with these issues, if I were you I would consult one of the.

[Katey888]

Lynda - sounds like you are stressed and need professional help...

I couldn't help but notice in an earlier post you said that your wife passed a few years ago...? Sorry if I've got this wrong, but it's not the sort of thing you'd get wrong unless you're under a lot of stress...?

I think you should seek help directly... :)

Katey

[BrookCD]

Lynda
I lost my wife 5 months and 9 days ago. My marriage started out with my wife being accepting of my dressing but then it slowly turned to a full on dadt situation. When she passed I found some comfort in dressing and did it quite frequently. Then I felt like it was too much and stopped for a while. It takes time but you need to find a balance that works for you. Like others have said find some one to talk to. It does not have to even be a professional or member of the Clergy, just some one you trust and feel you can open up to. For me it was my best friends. Both of them were so very understanding and gave what advice they could but mostly they listened. I was amazed how much I worked out on my own by just opening up and letting it flow. I also made it a point to go out and do stuff. Some of it was stuff that my wife was not all that thrilled about such as going out with a big group of friends, others were things that I just did not get a chance to do alot of such as go camping. My one friend said it best. "For a long time your identity was that of a Husband and Father, Now you are still a father but it is time to find your identity as your self." By that she meant that I was time to be my self and let go of those things that she limited me. To find that balance in my life that makes me happy, productive, while still being a good father and person. You too need to find a balance. It does not mean run out after 6 months and start dating, but it also does not mean stay home in the dark. I have reconnected with several friends in the past few months, one of whom I have started dating ( totally did not plan on it but she is amazing). When you surround your self with positive people you will start feeling better. It takes time and it different for everyone. I have too found my self hitting the bottle on occasion, alot less lately, but I made a decision not to let it rule or ruin me. Go out and have a few with friends sure, but not every night. For me I would say Friday night im gonna light the fire pit and have some friends over and ill drink. But then the rest of the weekend and week I would not, or might just have one glass of wine or a beer with dinner. I know im rambling a bit but I think the point I am trying to make is that YOU are in control of your destiny. YOU make it what you want. Nothing will ever be perfect or the same but YOU can get close if you try. Be YOUR SELF and know that YOU are worth something. If you set your mind to it life will get better. The pain of the loss will never go away, it will just fade a bit, but don't let it control you. Hang tough sister, it will get better and you will find the balance that is the TRUE YOU.

[ReineD]

Don't link the crossdressing with problem drinking, they are unrelated. Get the drinking under control first, there are lots of options. For common signs and symptoms, see "Alcohol Abuse (http://www.helpguide.org/articles/addiction/alcoholism-and-alcohol-abuse.htm)". You may need professional help for this.

Once you've got the drinking under control, you can focus on how far you'd like to go with the crossdressing. You might want to think about joining a support group for crossdressers, not to stop but to help you put it in perspective and normalize the behavior in your life.

If you continue to not be able to get a handle on both the crossdressing and the drinking, then do get professional help for both.

[lynda]

hi girls just wanted to let you know that i stopped dricking and im going to get grif therapy. and i thank all you girls for your support and help .as for my cding im all girly nowand thats where its at even in drab now i feel female .iwak like a girl and my movements are female im wearing lots braclets ,iallways wear a bra panties and a girdle now .i dont know .i feel like this pink fog might be perm. i just feel like a girl and the bad thing is i like it because ive gained lynda but im losing my guy side.i think i need a gender therapst .iif anyone knows one i live in nj.thanks girls hugs lynda

[Sarah Doepner]

Lynda, It's good news you share with us about your desire to get control of those things that are creating problems in your life. It's been about 18 months since my wife died and she was the only one in my family who knew about my crossdressing. So I lost my bride and was driven back into the closet in some ways. I also drank more than I had in the past. I've managed to get a handle on that, I think, but I dress more now than when she was alive.

My therapy has been attempting to find out how to be a single retired man who crossdresses. Working on the retired part more than the others it seems. I've been learning to bake bread and put up jam, can fruit, preserve tomato sauce and work on changing the way the house is set up. It's a lot of work and sometimes I do it crossdressed and other times not. Crossdressing has become an option much of the time depending on who may drop by to visit and the nature of the work I'm involved in. I've gone back and forth in my dealing with family, kids and grandkids, and find that they provide some stability that is good as well as a promise that there is a future. I also have stayed involved with my local support group, a Tri-Ess chapter. If you have a group near you they can be a great source of support, advice and companionship. The danger I've come to recognize in my life is the longer I stay by myself, the more I want to dress. That may be because I don't have a social life and this is filling in. So the next part of the process is working on the 'single' part of my life. Maybe an online dating service, maybe someone will line me up with a friend, but I'll need to do something to address that part of my life.

I guess the most important things I can share are these; I still miss my wife more than I can stand occasionally and it's just fine to feel that way; I've been a crossdresser all my life and this isn't going to change, only the way I deal with it; and, I have things in my life that are not good for me and keep me from being stable and happy and I need to identify and work on those things.

Good luck to you and please check in with us here from time to time.

[lynda]

hi girls weell things have gotten a little better. im seeing a grif therapst and that helps. but the ping fog has taken over . i always feel female now .im dressed almost all the time.even when im not i feel walk ,talkand have actions of a female.im really afraid that im losing my guy side altogeter.now i just want to be female.i have been on this forum a lot .if i was yonger i would concider transitionbut not now .idont know this fog is is deffrent it feels perm,and im afraid it will take away my guy side from now on.its not that idont like being female but i sort of like the guy side to. hugs love lynda

[Kate Simmons]

The process of CDing takes on a mind of it's own if you allow it to. You need to take the reins if you don't want to lose your guy self and it doesn't have to be just "one or the other". You can enjoy all of your qualities and feelings but to do that you have to control the process. You start by getting to know yourself as a person.:)

[kimdl93]

There is no pink fog, and there is no force taking away your maleness. It is your life and you can choose to be the person you want to be...male or female. Please, don't lead yourself into believing that this is beyond your control.

[lynda]

iwant to thank both of you.youmade me start thinking and its time i start to take over.youve helped me more then you will ever know thank you its time to go surfing road trip hugs lynda