very mean

[arbon]

There was a ts woman living in a town not to far away from me. She passed away suddenly recently
Today in the obituary though it had a picture of the guy she once was and only talked of her by her old name and as a brother and son, all about him. She was not welcomed in her own obituary. It was one of the saddest things I think I ever read. Youd think the family could a least give a bit of respect in death.

[celeste26]

Do you really expect otherwise? The survivors get the last word.

Its too bad but not unexpected.

[arbon]

If there is even a spark of genuine love for a person then yes I absolutely expect otherwise. How they say they love her or that they are her family is beyond me.

She was a very beautiful woman and to me it is unconscionable to put the obituary out that way like she never even existed. It really upset me.

[Barati]

How do they done that if her female name was legally active?

[PretzelGirl]

Barati, I don't see how, in the US anyway, that a legal name can stop an obituary from having a different name in print. As long as something is not publicly offending, I don't see a newspaper turning it down. I guess that the publisher needs to avoid being sued for libel, but that can be a tough burden of proof I would think.

It is an interesting conversation and very sad that this happened. I had this discussion with my daughter more than once and started again this week. The driver now is a local lady that I had not met, but how her's was written. It is written in her real name but has her previous name listed as an AKA and talks about her struggle and transition. It uses female pronouns initially, but says that she started life as a boy and uses male pronouns when describing the pre-transition period. So it basically describes her life by going Jack-He then Jill-She.

It is tough for me to dissect this one in some ways because it is hard to know the wishes of the individual. Out and out disrespect is appalling and a disgrace that it happened. The one I am reading I believe is respectful for someone who was open and was okay with their entire life being remembered.

[Sarah Beth]

It is sad that they would do this but the fact is once someone is gone the family can pretty much do what they want unless there is some legal document that states otherwise. Prior to my best friend passing away he had let everyone know what his wishes were as far as the funeral arrangements and all that. He prents and sisters tossed all that out the window after he was gone. The had the funeral in the churche where he didn't want it, and there was no mention of his wife in the obituary. Prior to the funeral another friend and I asked a lawyer about it and the lawyer told us "the dead don't have rights".

[Krisi]

I think once you're dead, there's nothing you can do about it and since you're dead, it doesn't matter anyway.

The fact is, she once was a male and nothing can change that. If the family could not accept her as a woman, it's understandable that they remembered her as what she used to be. Not what she would have wished, but understandable.

If this sort of thing bothers you, it should be discussed with family and friends before you pass away.

[I Am Paula]

I have three documents. My will, my living will, which deals with things should I not be able to make descisions for myself, and my final wishes.
My final wishes are to be read and followed immediately upon my death, and a large part is how I wish my transgenderism is to be handled. It states clearly that I am a woman, and everything from a headstone, to eulogy, to memorials, printed, or electronic, I am to be referred to by my female name, and my male past is not even to be brought up. Paula might be dead right now, but Paul was killed off some time ago, and not even my family have any right to mention otherwise.

[Jorja]

And if someone in the family has a problem with your transgenderism Paula, do you really think your efforts are going to stop them from doing it the way they want? Who is going to stop them. Not you.

[Annaliese]

That is sad, they could not even love who she was after her death, you only get your last wishes for sure, if you have money, and your wishes are tied to that money in your Will.

[Kimberly Kael]

It is sad, but funerals are for the living. Is it sadder that her family, who evidently didn't accept her, ran the obituary the way they did, or that those who did accept her didn't run one at all? I suspect there are no laws against having a funeral of your own for her, and I'd be curious whether submitting an obituary actually requires that you be in possession of her death certificate.

[I Am Paula]

And if someone in the family has a problem with your transgenderism Paula, do you really think your efforts are going to stop them from doing it the way they want? Who is going to stop them. Not you.

Nobody does, it's the well meaning folk I'm afraid of. People writing an obit for example: Paula, born Paul, or 'husband of.'

[Kali]

At least in the US, about the only way for you to have an obit published that reads exactly the way you want, is to write it yourself and then contract with an attorney to have them publish it after your death, prepaying them for their time.

Unless you have some modicum of fame (or infamy) that makes your death newsworthy there are no obits, beyond death records, published for free anymore in most newspapers.

[Bria]

These are very personal issues that will vary with the individual. Whoever wrote the obituary was not very sensitive or respectful of the departed and only represented a part of that person, most likely the part that they remembered. I think that Paula has taken a sensible and proactive approach but there is no guarantee that her wishes will be carried out.

I think that I want to be remembered for the totality of my life and all of the identities that I have, husband, father, son, race car driver, Eagle Scout, devout church member, electrical engineer, business owner, not just for a portion of my identities, but that's me.

Your mileage may differ!

Hugs, Bria

[Alana Lucerne]

Although there is nothing you can do about the obituary, there is something you can do to remember this lady. Most papers, probably all, will accept a memorial tribute to someone. It can be submitted by anyone or a group of friends. If you have a picture send it in and write a short note or have some of her friends write it. I am sure her friends would appreciated it.

Alana

oops, I forgot to mention it will cost something, but not too much.

[lingerieLiz]

If you want the last word then write your own obit. I read one the other day where a guy did just that. He had it in his will and gave his opinion about things as well as his accomplishments.

My personal opinion I don't care about one. They are advertisements (you pay for them) so I just as soon make it hard for people to know when I kick off.

[Michelle789]

That is really sad that the family would disrespect the wishes of the deceased. Unfortunately, this kind of disrespect is not limited to transpeople, and happens all the time. When my grandma passed away, one of my cousins starts attacking and yelling and screaming at my aunt (not his mother, but his aunt who is my aunt who is my mom's sister) about an inheritance, and created a MAJOR scene. In actuality, no one got an inheritance, as my grandma had no money to pass down.

You would think in times of death people would be more respectful, but apparently people are not. Especially when it comes to transgender and inheritance.

[Nicole Erin]

A death can certainly bring out the worst in people. I guess I am lucky cause there was no fighting or BS when our mom passed away.

I don;t mean this in a bad way but realistically - not too many people read obituaries anyways. It would have been nice though for them to use the female name, assuming she had it legally changed at some point.

[docrobbysherry]

As has been said by many previous posters, death is not really about the departed. But, all about those left alive. They have the opportunity to try to do what, "Good Old Wilbur", wanted. Or, finally get their revenge and control over her.

Whether or not u like the family's choices makes little difference to Wilbur! Honor and remember her as u like. In a hundred years? There won't be anyone left that remembers the eulogy OR Wilbur.