Coming out to SO

[VickkiSummers]

I have done many searches on this subject on this board, but looking for feedback on our members experience on coming out to your SO. I have been contemplating this for quite sometime and think it's now or never. Please let me know your story.

[Jenniferathome]

In my signature is my story. It can be done.

[IamAmy]

I was feeling a lot of anxiety from thinking about dressing to the point I couldn't hide it any more. My wife could tell I had something on my mind and was upsetting me. It just came out with it. She was shocked at first but was really understanding. She asked me loads of questions and I answered them truthfully. It's been a few months now since I did it and we've never been stronger. We've had a few ups and downs but it's alot for her(and me) to get out heads around. I can now dress freely around the house. she has a few boundaries for me to stick to but I'm fine with them because I respect her feelings.
I hope you have a understanding SO and it goes well for you

Amy

[Tina_gm]

Why do you feel it is now or never?
My story- I have had the desires for most of my life and had repressed them deeply most of my life. Serious repression of them. I had known my wife for many years, we had been colleagues at a different job. We got a long well and considered each other as friends. Not real close, but we did get a long very well when we worked together (rare) and times when we were out at the same venue or Christmas parties and other functions.

When both her and I were single some 5 years ago, we reconnected and a romance just happened. Back then, I was still in deep repression. I rarely ever dressed, didn't own anything of my own, and did not consider myself to be a crossdresser.

As time rolled on and we became engaged then married, that lifelong fight, struggle, whatever you want to call it seemed to swell up on me. For whatever reason, I lost the ability to fight it. Ran out of energy to fight it perhaps, but I just felt I could fight it no longer. I began dressing in her clothes when I had the opportunity, but felt disgusted by it, as I was sneaking behind her back to do this. I also felt that enough time would go by and eventually I would get caught. I knew that if THAT happened, things would get real bad. I knew I needed to tell her.

I started dropping mild hints. Thought I would soften the blow. That it turned out didn't happen. I was building up the courage to tell her, was talking to her one night, dropped one of those hints, but it sort of went just a little too far, the talk just started happening.

No, initially it did not go over very well. All the typical questions, and the typical anger from me not having told her before we got married. It was very touch and go for the 1st few months. On a couple of occasions she got quite nasty to me, out of anger.

My initial talk, and all those that followed have been just the truth, even when it is something she may not want to hear. That was almost two years ago. She still struggles from time to time, and we have adopted the IDWTSI mode. We do still talk about it from time to time, but not all that much. I respect her by not making my dressing obvious, although I do not go to great lengths to hide it either. She knows about this site. It is not something that she prefers. Her biggest issues are that CDing or my gender issues do not become the overwhelming issue. That even though I have a feminine side, and I dress in women's clothes, I still am her husband. Overall it is better today than when it all 1st came about. Still difficult and challenging at times for the both of us, but then life is for everyone for so many reasons.

[clairebostock]

Hi Vickki
It can be done which ever way you feel it would work with your SO.
I hid my clothes (women's) in plain sight, till we had new wardrobes delivered, I was to build the new ones and load them up with our clothes, but that did not happen as my wife came down staires, and said, That she had put our clothes back in our new wardrobes, and said you have a lot of women's for a man.....would you like to tell me why ? From there we had the talk..... all is well like AMY I have a few boundaries to stick too. I do LOVE my SO.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I explored together me wearing lingerie. It started out as what I would call a lingerie fetish. We shopped together for nightgowns and then some stockings and garter belt for me. We were young. It was not all consuming and it had it's place in the bedroom sometimes. We lived in a one bedroom apartment when our son was born. His crib was at the foot of the bed. She asked me not to wear any lingerie with him around. Well, that kind of ended the sleeping in a nightie. I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie draw when I was young. I thought I had outgrown whatever caused me to wear mom's slips. I did wear her slips because i love the feel of nylon. It was very sensuous as compared to a young boy's jeans, tees and flannel shirts. Well, my interest in feminine lingerie increased and I began to buy slips, panties, and finally a bra. My wife just could not wrap her head around a guy wearing a bra when he has nothing to "pack" into it. That totally turned her off me wearing anything feminine. The bra incident was after our daughter was born five years after our son. I think we had enough history between us, so we weathered the storm. She did say she wished she had not told me of her youthful indiscretions, because it would have enabled her to just walk away. What she had done prior to me meeting her was worse than cross dressing. It was kind of well, he accepted me with my issues, "How can I reject him for his issues?" Her issues have had an adverse impact on her and therefore us during our marriage.

So, for you, the question is how well do you know your wife? Is she judgmental of others who do not conform to her expectations? What's her religious upbringing? Have to listened to her talk to others on issues of race, religion, creed, etc?

Be prepared for a soul searching discussion. Expect the worst. Expect her to waver, change her mind.

[Melanie B]

I came out to my SO about 21 hours ago.
I'm still shell-shocked, but relieved and happy with the way it went.

[Tina_gm]

I would also like to add, that just like for so many of us, and how long it took us to accept ourselves, years and years for many of us, we cannot expect our partners to accept it in a matter of days, or weeks, or even months. I see this so often on these boards, how frustrating it is for the partners who are having difficulties, "its been months and she still refuses to see me dressed" kinda comments. It may happen that she will be ok with it early on, some women are. But please be patient. It is likely that it will take a very long time, and yes, just like for us we had/have times of our own acceptance and denial that yo-yo's, likely so will your wife's. There are days when the concept really doesn't bother my wife much at all, others days I can tell when it does. hmmm, funny, it does for me too...

[kimdl93]

I think you'll find the stories are strikingly similar for two groups 1) of us who came out prior to entering and 2) those who came out sometimes years later on. The questions are typically the same in either case. Both can have good outcomes, but I think the deciding factor is how strong and positive the relationship is in all other respects. CDing may be a deal breaker for particularly rigid, deeply judgmental women, but not for many many others.

[NicoleScott]

Nobody here knows the details of your situation like you do. Don't fall for "it worked for me, so it will work for you". It may not, and the "must tell" cheerleaders don't have a dog in the hunt, so if things don't go well you're on your own. If you tell, make it YOUR decision.

[franlee]

Nobody here knows the details of your situation like you do. Don't fall for "it worked for me, so it will work for you". It may not, and the "must tell" cheerleaders don't have a dog in the hunt, so if things don't go well you're on your own. If you tell, make it YOUR decision.
This is a Fact! I have gone through this 3 times and it was never a big issue, a little drama in the very first hour or so the last time but I had to be honest because I wasn't going to change, and she deserved the truth. Actually it was just that simple for "ME." But not all women value the same things.

[mandm40c]

For me, it went good. I've been dressing off/on since I was a kid, I'm now 38. Went thru the whole buy n purge routine and then repressed for awhile. After my wife and I started dating, the feelings came back again. Well, long story short, she found a few items from my stash. She came up to me and said she stumbled across something and when I'm ready to talk about, she will be waiting. Just alittle FYI, I wear a size 15 heel and that is what she found with some stockings and panties. Well, shortly there after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. After all the treatments and emotional toll that takes, we decided to move into a new house and treat it as a fresh start. With that new start, I thought that was a good time to talk. I told her about my dressing and gradually exposed her to more and more of my clothes. She is very understanding and supports me fully, and told me about seeing the size of those shoes made her laugh. Never once thinking affair, again, after seeing the size of those heels. When we did and do talk about it, she understands how hard it is to live with a secret like that, knowing it is lonely when you can not be yourself fully. How difficult it must have been to lay out something so deeply personal, knowing that most people have a negative view. My recommendation would be, start slow. Be prepared for questions, be honest and have a good reason for coming out now.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Vickki, Before you take the dive read line #3 in my signature.

[Jenniferathome]

... and the "must tell" cheerleaders don't have a dog in the hunt, so if things don't go well you're on your own. ....

Funny thing, not one single post stated that one "must tell." Sorry, except yours.

Vickki, the messages of success simply show that it CAN happen. Coming out on your terms are far better than responding to discovery. Read the posts from the wives on this board. It is overwhelmingly not the cross dressing but the hiding and usually some amount of further lying that occurs. Trust is the killer for the women.

[Christen]

Vickki, this is my experience. My wife came to know about my crossdressing over a number of occasions, that's to say I didn't sit her down and give her the full picture. God, how I wish I had of done that and done it when we met not after 25 plus years of marriage. She's shown herself to be amazing about it, even though at this point we are separating. I quess my experience is that I've never felt better about myself than since this whole thing has gotten on the table, no matter what the consequences. And if someone loves you, that won't change.

All the best,
Christen x

[Beverley Sims]

Yes,
Do it personally, do not write, or use email.

Find a quiet time when you are relaxed to do it.

Speak quietly and slowly.

At no time should raise your voice or show angst towards your wife.

I did not have to do it but I know others who have had to make deep drk confessions to bring problems into the light.

I do wish you well with the future.

[NicoleScott]

Funny thing, not one single post stated that one "must tell." Sorry, except yours.

In this thread, that's true. Vickki asked for the experience of others and, for the most part, got it. That's good.
However, over the years I've read many posts from the "must tell" camp. Besides the name-calling (liar! - albeit by omission), there is a danger in extrapolating one's successful coming-out experience to others contemplating coming out. It doesn't always have a good outcome, and divorces have resulted. Of course, the "must tell" folks never blame the crossdressing, but insist it's the deception or some other cause. The fact is that there are some women who cannot be married to a crossdresser, as much as you don't want to believe it. It is a myth that honesty will overcome a woman's repulsion over a husband who crossdresses.
I'm all for Vickki coming out if that's her decision. Vickki asked for feedback, and needs to hear both sides.

[Sarina Curtis]

I had been dressing for about 6 months and my wife started noticing some of the small slips; not as many boxer shorts in the wash, my shaved legs, my stash of make up then consisting of mascara and some eye liner, and I foolishly tried to brush it off. Then about a week ago my wife comes to me and asks me what I'm hiding, asks me if I am cheating on her. Heart hanging somewhere around my ankles, already wearing some hose under my jeans, not sure what to do I went up to our room, put on my favorite dress and asked her to come up. Fortunately, she's accepted this as a part of who I am. She's still in shock, she's as much as admitted that she doesn't understand, especially if I'm not gay and/or looking to transition, why this is something I have to do. Most importantly we're talking about it, laying down some ground rules, easing each others anxieties and moving forward together.

[Samantha_Smile]

My coming clean/finding out story is a long one.
Fortunately I was posting at the time so its all here
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?123516-Think-my-fiance-might-suspect-something&highlight=suspect+something

[Amy Fakley]

Vikki,

this is pretty much how it went down for me:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?216709-Amy-Finally-Came-Out!/page3

In short, things went almost unbelievably well for me. Frankly, sometimes I still can't believe it. I had spent a lifetime cowering in fear of the moment. And it WAS difficult. Without a doubt, it was the most difficult, stressful and agonizing thing I have ever done (and we've been through some serious sh*t together over the years ... this trumped it all).

That was a little more than 3 months ago, and since then my reality has been rewritten in the best possible way. I never realized how much of myself I'd held back from our relationship ... the wall that I'd built to "protect her from me" had in fact only served to slowly strangle our relationship. When it fell, we fell in love again, a thousand times over.

My only regret is that I wasted almost 20 years in that mode when we could have had this all along.

However .... my situation is not your situation. Every one of us has a different one. Folks who are advising caution are not wrong. There are many threads on this board where you can watch a person's life go right off the rails. Be careful not to extrapolate too much in either direction. Only you can really know what the right thing to do is.

I'll leave you with this quote from a PM that kimdl93 left me when I was agonizing over the same issue

"Don't be careful what you wish for, carefully make your wishes come true"

[Tina B.]

Vickie, scary business telling. But while my story is different than most, I think it shows, things can go from bad to great by telling. Not everyone ends up in a court room, or counselors office.
In my case, my marriage was in trouble, big trouble. We had separated, and got together, to talk about where we went from there. Talk came up of giving it another try, and at that moment, I knew, my depression and suppressed anger, over my lack of ability to deal with the need to dress, which I hadn't done in years, was going to ruin everything. So I told her, before we could get back together there was something I needed to tell her.
I explained, about being a Cross dresser, about trying to suppress it for years, and how it had made me depressed, angry and hard to live with, I had screwed it up. Her attitude was, it's not a big thing, you should have told me sooner, and let's go get you something to wear.
That was 40 years ago, and my life has been great every since.
But then I married a very liberal woman with a very caring heart, and she does have a tendency to spoil me. I wish we could all be that lucky, but if you read enough, you see a lot of us with very understanding wives. But only you know yours, and how she might react to such news, tread lightly.

[KiwiKate]

I told my wife a few months after we first started dating.I guess I just wanted to be straight up and she seemed like a nice person who might understand.She did understand but didn't want a bar of it!
Scary stuff telling your partner but love usually conquers all.The best of luck.

[Rachelakld]

I told her before she became my SO, I also started to wear leggings in winter "to keep warm" so the kids got used to me dressed fem.

[ChrissyW1]

When I was... I don't know, maybe 8 or so? No older than 10, I think, I gave it my first try, and clumsy as I am, my mom caught me and threatened the psychiatrist, telling my father, etc etc etc (this can't be a unique story) so I repressed. Drove it down deep. Buried it under other interests, facial hair, and a lot of excess weight. To the point where after college, living with one female roommate, no relationship, no close family ties, I didn't even consider it. Instead, I relocated halfway across the country, married a girl, and settled down.
Into a bad marriage and kept on repressing. And even after I got myself out of that, I kept it under wraps, but this time got into a good marriage, and finally outed myself to my current wife, who's, to be honest, trying, but having a hard time with things, especially outside the confines of the house. But I'm having a MUCH better time, feeling freer, dropping a lot of this weight (now 43, I weigh less than I did when I graduated high school) and having a good, if occasionally rocky, time.

[VickkiSummers]

Thank you for all advice!

[Kimberly Ann]

The main thing to remember is that everyone is different and each SO will react in different ways. I have a few thoughts on the subject that might be beneficial. Do not talk to your SO while you are dressed. There is something about seeing your husband dressed as a female for the first time that can be a little strange. Talk to her and then proceed slowly and with caution. I have read where some people thought it would be a good idea to come out by surprising their SO while dressed. I am pretty sure this is NEVER a good idea. I also think it's important to not beat around the bush and to be as honest and open as possible. For instance...don't just say you have a fetish. I was much more understanding when my husband and I talked through the fact that this is an expression of who he is on the inside. For some reason that piece resonated with me and I was much more understanding of his need versus it just being a fetish. Not sure if that makes sense, but it was like a switch was flipped in my brain as far as my level of understanding in regards to cross dressing. I also like to think about all of the things I love about my husband...his sensitivity...and ability to get me like I have never experienced in any other relationship. I value these attributes and feel like these reflect his inner girl. It also helped me to read the book "My Husband Betty". Not that everything in the book was relevant, but it really helped me understand cross dressing better. For me, it made the whole thing seem a lot less intimidating. The other thing to remember is that sometimes no matter what you do the other person may not be accepting of your cross dressing. I think this is a sad reality and it breaks my heart when I read other people's stories about being rejected. The flip side of that is you may not be able to live any longer in fear of being discovered or without acceptance. I wish you the best of luck and hope your SO is open to moving forward with you.

[Margot Emerson]

I told my wife all about my dressing about 20 years ago. But, that was only after about 17 years of marriage. Thing is, during those 17 years, I never dressed at all, though I wanted to and would fantasize about it. But, at that point, I knew I needed to start dressing again. I actually wrote a long letter to her with all the details carefully explained. That was back in the days when people actually wrote physical letters! I told her there was something that we needed to talk about, but that I felt I was able to best explain it in writing where I could choose just the right words. I gave her the letter in an envelope and told her that I'm going for a ride, which I did for a few hours.

When I came back, we hugged and had a talk about it. She's been nothing but very supportive since.

But, here's the thing. We always have had a very open-minded, honest relationship where we could talk frankly about any topic. So, even though it was scary for me to open myself up about such a sensitive issue, I really knew that we would work something out. I never felt like I would lose her. I think part of it was that I told her in the letter that if she positively could not live with it, that I would give it up. And I honestly think that I would have, because I basically did without for 17 years. I would be less happy and complete, but I think she knew I meant it, and I wasn't demanding anything

Main point is that, like others have mentioned, every marriage is different. So what worked for us, might be a disaster for someone else. But for what its worth, that's my story.

In the end, only you know how your relationship works. And to me, before you decide to tell her, maybe have in your mind what your deal breaker is, if you have any. Maybe take the time to ponder different outcomes, and what you can compromise on if you need to. Not so much because you need to have anything mapped out, but just so you'll be prepared to keep the conversation constructive.

Good luck!

[ClaraKay]

The one truth that no one will deny is that every couple's situation is different. In my case, I came out to my wife one year ago after struggling secretly with my transgender identity all my life. Surprisingly, I had not cross-dressed in all the 32 years that we were married. I coped with my sex-gender incongruence through fantasy which I relied on to ease my mental distress until it eventually descended into depression late in life. When I discovered that my condition was a consequence of being transgender and that it was an incurable medical condition, I sought to apply the now accepted diagnostic for confirming transgenderism, a trial period of taking estrogen. After only a few weeks on HRT, my anxiety and depressed mental state evaporated. I knew at that moment that I had to involve my wife into what was going to be a life changing period in our lives. I, too, wrote a long letter explaining myself and all that I had learned about my condition. When the day came, after months of hesitation, I put the letter aside and spoke from my heart. I was scared to death of the risk that I was taking. In a very emotional exchange, I laid bare the story of my struggle with my gender identity that had such a profound effect on my life since childhood, and asked for understanding and patience that we might find a way to work through this crisis and stay together. The initial response was discouraging, but eventually she came to accept and help me with what has progressed to a full gender transition. The key for us was establishing and maintaining trust and also managing the natural tendency to fear the consequences, real and imagined, that living as a trans couple brings about.

For us, it was vital that trust be established. I'm glad I found the courage to be honest with my wife; that I didn't destroy whatever trust existed by being 'found out' indirectly. Secondly, it was so important to discover and calm the fears she and I had about the consequences of my transgenderism. Being an older couple, in retirement, at the top of our list was the fear of our eventual breakup. It's unfortunate, that we are not always aware of what drives our fear. It can take months to discover the underlying causes so that it can be dealt with constructively.

[Marsha My Dear]

Hi Vickki, I came out to my to-be wife in a letter. I knew being a crossdresser would be revealed at sometime if we got serious. I didn't want her to go through the shock of finding my girly things, or worse, coming home to find me dressed up. When we talked, I calmed her fears that CD made me dangerous or crazy. But it would have been the deception on my part that would have put the dagger in the heart of our budding relationship. I hope this helps in some small way, and that it goes well when you reveal Vickki to your SO. Best of fortune, Marsha.

[CherylFlint]

For your own peace of mind and mental health, the sooner the better.