How long did it take before you realized CDing wasn't going away?

[Melissa18]

Hello world,
I know this must have been asked before but I can't find the original thread, please forgive me for asking again.

My interest in this question has just been raised by an intro I just read, when the new girl finshed off her intro,she wrote " I'm a CDER for life"

When did y'all relaize that your dressing wasnt going to go away,
For me it was only in the last year or so (and I've been dressing since Pre school and I'm 52 now!) and I thought to myself, I've signed up for life here., this CDing is not going to go away, I might as well embrace it.

Adelaide

[AllieSF]

I have never actually realized that, ...yet! I believe that statement, i.e. the urge and desire to dress will always be around for those that do crossdress. For me, I learned that here on this site after about a year reading most new posts. Since I have fortunately embraced this new side of me (new from zero in 2007), I really do not think about whether I can give this up or at least stop it because, at my age and years of life experiences, I do not want to!

[Christen]

Hi Addie!

I fervently believed that I would be able to stop. I guess it was as I started to buy more 'things' after having purged for the last, last time and believing that I had no more to prove to myself in this little realm, and the stresses of work were behind me (I now believe stress is just an excuse), and we moved to a different state. I proved to myself Oh, so quickly that I need this to allow me to feel complete.
So, what was the question? Oh, yeah .. it took me about 52 years.

Christen x
Slow Learner!

[EllenJo]

I have been dressing since I was 14. It waxed and waned but I knew from the beginning that it would never go away. There was just something about it that was instinctual and a part of me. There have been several attempts to make it go away (purges) but those always failed and rather quickly. Sometimes life got in the way but I always knew that it would return with a vengeance. I am now 61 years old and hope that it never does go away.

As someone on here says in their signature "Embrace the Lace".

Hugs
Ellen Jo

[LilSissyStevie]

About the time I signed up here. There's no way off this squirrel cage for me.:sad:

[Tiffany Jane]

I'll outgrow it I told myself through my teen years when I started dabbling with wearing womens clothes. I am exploring my sexuality I told myself in my twenties as things evolved and what I felt was fantasy was really an expression of something deep inside myself. In my early thirties I let it take a little more of my time and realized it completed aspects in my life I would feel were missing or allowed me an escape from where my mind was at the time. Like a few have said, it wasn't until I signed up here that I completely accepted this part of me as something that may go silent for periods of time but never really goes away. So at 38 and probably 25 years after this all started and with the supportive acceptance of my wife, I no longer try to fool myself to believe it will go away or should.

[AletaHawk]

It hit me when I was walking through stores, either with my wife or even late-night Wal-Mart runs, and realized I was looking at more than just the lingerie and thinking "I'd love to wear that!" It hit me that this was more than a fetish for bras and panties. I tried to deny that for a couple years, but about a month ago I knew I couldn't take living the lie anymore.

[Robertacd]

I do not recall ever wanting it to go away.

[Yoshisaur]

For me there are points in my life where my urge to crossdress goes away, but it seemingly always come back stronger then ever. So about last Christmas I just accepted my cding as a constant thing and got myself a huge Christmas present in the form of $150 of women's cloths. I'm pretty sure crossdress is gonna be a part of me for life, and at the moment i'm fine with that.

[Rachael Leigh]

There is no question for me I would love for it to go away most importantly for the sake of my relationship. I don't think it ever will but it would be so much eaiser if it did. For now I just try and manage it

[MissTee]

For many years I tried everything I could to shut it down, make it go away, deny it's calling. Purge after purge I was committed to its defeat, but I was miserable. At some point I stopped trying so hard to make it go away and I paid attention to how that made me feel. Then I started being okay with valuing my own feelings, and decided to live with it and be happy. The total journey to the point of acceptance of who I am was about 40 years.

[docrobbysherry]

Wattaya mean, "It's not going away"? U mean I'll be stuck doing this the rest of my life? OMG!

[JocelynRenee]

Let's see...I started around age 7 or 8. Over the years I developed a love/hate relationship with CDing. If I'm honest, deep down I never really wanted it to go away, but I found myself fighting it very hard many times in my life. Around the age of 29 my wife discovered my secret and with her support I learned to embrace my dual nature. I've never looked back and at the age of 52 I wouldn't change a thing.

[Gillian Gigs]

After several purges, and coming back to it again and again, I said to myself, something has to change. I came out of my wife, she wasn't devastated by it, but had all of the usual questions which I answered for her to her satisfaction. Had two more purges and said enough is enough, I started wearing lingerie daily and started to accept myself for who I was and got on with life. Once you get to the point of seeing that they are only clothes, and you stop worrying about what others may think, things get easier. It does help having an understanding wife who is accepting of my quirks. Its been more of a journey than a destination, who knows what is around the next corner in the road!

[Beverley Sims]

Adelaide,
It took me about five minutes when I was eight. :)

Actually I never considered the problem at all.

[Secret Drawer]

When I was a kid, I thought it a phase. As a teen, I thought I would outgrow it. As a young adult, I wrongly assumed I would get distracted by love and sex and all that and give it up... I didn't. Then, the final frontier, I got married, thinking surely this will be the end of it? Nope. So it was a couple years into married life... (30 some years after I first tried it) that I finally understood that it is a part of me that is permanent.
This does help to explain, as I did to my wife, the why we didn't disclose it sooner? If you think it will go away, then why talk about it? It is not lying and cheating and sneaking around, but an honest error in our internal judgements!

[paulaprimo]

for me about one planck time or 12 altoseconds... :)

[Kate Simmons]

Probably after I "purged" for the fifth time and went back to it again. This girl doesn't need an anvil to fall on her head--nosiree! :heehee::)

[Adriana Moretti]

this is a great question...and my answer is just like some of the others here....after a few purges you realize crossdressing isnt going anywhere. Your best bet at that point is to embrace and accept it as a part of you. You will enjoy it, and your life alot more.

[Sarina Curtis]

I knew it was going to stick when I realized that CDing was the only stress release valve I had that ALWAYS worked. Though it has only been in the last year that I tried it frequently enough to see the truth.

[Katey888]

I'm not sure I have realised it yet... :confused:

And while I'm having fun with it at the moment, could it go away in the future...? Who knows... I think it's possible it could do dark again for a while... and in some ways I wish it would - things would be much easier again, but it's not likely to, is it..?

Hmmmm.... Can I get back to you and let you know when I finally do realise...? Fun, but not fun.... :thinking:

Katey x

[karens70]

I only came to realise it wasnt going away when I was busted by my wife and it caused me to really think about what this 'thing' was that I was doing. Once she knew and I came to terms with it, the purging stopped and for a brief period the pink fog descended quite quickly where I seemed to be dressing all the time (probably related to the stress of being outed). Now I am 10 months in it has calmed down and its a part of my life I accept, I do it because I enjoy it.

The one piece of advise I have is that once you can finally accept it is part of you and it isn't going away, even in those moments when you are feeling all alpha male and dressing like a woman is so far off your radar, if you can still admit to yourself that even though you may not feel like doing it now but acknowledge to yourself it is something you do you and enjoy it, you will find a strange sense of calm about the whole situation.

thats not some made up wisdom BS, that is exactly what happened to me. I dressed in womens clothes for 30 years and still managed to convince myself it was a phase!

[Melissa18]

Hello world,
I'd like to add, after the birth of each of my children, I thought to myself I'm cured, no ithe bitths didn't cure me, about a month after each birth I was back in a skirt!

[heather ann martin]

Probably in my mid-teens, (a long time ago!) when I started dressing fully as an adult woman. I knew this was right for me then, and that feeling has never diminished in the slightest and I know it never will.

[CostaRicaRachel]

I'm not very smart. For 56 years, I fought it at every step, I lived or
worked where I could not possibly indulge. I denied it all the time,
I pretended it did not exist. Every now and then, I would just explode and
indulge for a few days or a week, then I would purge everything and go back
into complete denial.

About a ear ago, I finally accepted I was not going to change, went to a therapist.
etc.

Now I am trying to figure out where on the trangender line I fit in. Right now, I
can't even figure out who I should date?

Life was simpler when I was in complete denial;)

[kimdl93]

For most of my life, CDing seemed something I had to hide and deny, but despite a sense of guilt or shame, never was willing to fully abandon. I doubt I am unique in that respect. I was in my mid 40s when I finally understood that CDing wasn't a crime and that it wasn't going away.

[larry07]

As a teen and young adult I was shy and didn't have any satisfying relationships with the opposite sex. There was a sexual aspect to my CDing and I thought that if I had a good sexual relationship with a real woman maybe the need to crossdress would go away. After several purges I gradually came to accept that this was a permanent part of who I am and it would not go away. Now that I am happily married to a wonderful and accepting woman I know that the need to CD will always be there even though the sexual aspect of it is diminished.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Adelaide, I have been dressing for over 67yrs. and I've never had any thoughts that this program would ever go away.

It's like the Mafia, You just can't quit it.:daydreaming:

[NicoleScott]

When I needed to go shopping again after my third and final purge over twenty years ago.

[Michelle (Oz)]

When, after 3 1/2 years, my urge/need to CD returned with a vengeance and I accepted that there was nothing that needed fixing.

[Maria Blackwood]

for me about one planck time or 12 altoseconds... :)

Aw, ya beat me to it. Yeah, one tick of the universal clock after i put on my first piece of lingerie.

[Taylor186]

Without benefit of the internet it took me until my mid 40s to realize it wasn't going away and it took me a few more years to fully embraced it.

[Samantha_Smile]

I'd purged once, re-purchased, re-purged, re-purchased, joined here....
Was kind of around the time I admitted to myself "This is who I am".
Once you are happy with yourself, then you're not worried about it never going away.

To tell you the full truth, I'm more worried about it going away somehow, because I love it.
It's the other half of my whole that makes me.... well, ​me!

[Laurie A]

I've been through the denial / purge cycle a several times in my life. What changed it for me was growing older and developing a different attitude, as in I decided to live my life the way I wanted to, and worry less about the inner conflicts I was dealing with, also the internet and places like this where I learned that I was not alone, I have been given a boost just with that knowledge, and lastly an accepting spouse.

[Sarah Doepner]

I never purged, but I never built much of a collection of clothing until after I came out to my wife and she accepted and began to support me in this. So that was around 2002 and I was in my early 50's. I had started to come to terms with it a few years earlier, not really accepting that it would be with me for the rest of my life, but acknowledging it was part of my personality and I'd better figure some things out or go nuts. So basically I spent my teens through my mid-40's dealing with something I didn't understand, couldn't control and never shared with anyone else. I'm amazed that I'm not terribly damaged and can't tell you to this day what really got me through.

[BillieJoEllen]

I never had the idea that it would ever go away but I always had the thought that when I had the chance I would embrace it more. I still feel that way.

[Teresa]

Adelaide,
I've been a CDer from the age of 8-9 years and the realisation never hit me till I posted my opening thread on the forum and saw the replies and checked members ages !
At the time it felt like being hit with a sledgehammer, I'd lived with the shame and guilt all those years thinking at some point this is going to end, instead I took the step of accepting a name so I could register on the forum. In some respects it's probably the best thing I did, giving myself a real name that I could relate my CDing feelings to my female part of my brain. OK it's only chemistry if you read Confucious's explanations but it manifests itself in wanting to CD and look female and it is real not fantasy !

[Gina Glowe]

I try not to make claims that I can not substantiate, buuutttt, I started at 6-7, and have gathered and purged more times than I dare admit- more than anyone - I finally tried some sort of self analysis and decided in my late forties, that lots and lots of good money was being wasted replenishing Gina's wardrobe, but that in order to quit, I had to WANT to- and I still had enough hormones coursing through my veins to know that I never would want to, ssssoooooo, as nutty as it seems, I decided to marry the woman in me- silly right? and even after that ceremony, which I performed with as much sincerity as a girl can muster, I purged twice more. I have had my current wardrobe about three years now, and am always worried sick about being discovered. And I spend an inordinate amount of time and risk trying to dress, make this some normal part of my life that I can live with. But the truth is- I know now, at 57, that I am a CD for life!!!! And it only took me 40 hard years or so to figure it out.!!!!

[Madilyn A.]

For me, I began to realize this was not going away on my honeymoon in my early 20's. I explained to my new wife how I had tried to stop many times prior to meeting her, and would continue to try to stop. She actually fostered my dressing on our honeymoon by having me wear her lingerie. Things went smooth for a while, then i would step over some "line" and we would go cold over the issue. Often a few years would go by, and I would find some hobby to occupy my time, fishing, golf, coaching our children, etc. Finally, at about 50yrs. of age after a near split in our marriage, it finally became crystal clear. My stares at other women, my "flirting", my actions morning till night were driven by my neeed to crossdress. That was a real "lightbulb" moment for me.

[Ally 2112]

I kinda figured it out after i got married unfortunately .Until then i still thought i could curb it .I finaly accepted it after my divorce so basically it took until i was in my 40,s

[Tina_gm]

I was stubborn, and was determined to beat it. I finally gave up after about 30 years. That was nearly 2 years ago. I can't say life has been all roses since then, but I do overall feel better about myself. I no longer hate myself. I may be different than most, but I am as ok as any.

[Michelle colson]

Sometime in my mid 20s I guess. I purged when I got married and didn't dress for several years after. Then the urge came back and I started dressing again. I knew it was for good once I started buying wigs and pads. At that point it had progressed passed a fetish and I was dressing for the enjoyment of dressing. Now at 34 I know it's for life.

[Melissa18]

Thank you ladies for your contributions to my question.
From my reading of the answers, a majority of the respondents the light bulb didn't click on until our 40's and 50s

Maybe we become more comfortable about ourselves and dressing when we reach the magical middle age?

[Sarina Curtis]

Thank you ladies for your contributions to my question.
From my reading of the answers, a majority of the respondents the light bulb didn't click on until our 40's and 50s

Maybe we become more comfortable about ourselves and dressing when we reach the magical middle age?

I think it's greater maturity, but also having had enough personal interactions, positive and negative as well as business and private, to no longer base our self image on the perceptions of others and because we've had enough time to figure ourselves out. 35 or so was the time when I realized that although everyone is entitled to their opinion and has the right to voice it, I am also entitled not to give a damn about it.

[Michelle colson]

I wonder if there's a generation component as well. The younger members grew up with the internet which allowed us to understand we weren't alone and better understand what we were dealing with. Whereas the older members didn't have the internet till much later in their lives and were forced to deal with their cding alone so it took them longer to come to terms with it. Just a thought.

[JenniferR771]

Gradual, but early adult bookstore and internet readings especially Fictionmania, and then the book, "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rood. (Not in library; I had to order it at the bookstore).
And then again in my late fifties when a counselor convinced me to purge and promise my wife to never do it again. The urges cam back in 48 hours. Lucky, I didn't get rid of everything.

[Cheryl T]

Having begun at about age 6 at first I thought it would fade away as I got into High School and dating. Wrong!!
Then when I began to seriously think about spending my life with a woman in college I was certain it would go away. Wrong!!
Then I married (and had purged about 3 times already) and I thought surely that would be the cue for it to disappear. Wrong!!
Then my wife "discovered" my secret. It was a very rough time and I went back into hiding and purging again. I felt certain it would leave me so that my marriage would grow. Wrong!!
Then I turned 50 and began to accept myself for who I really am, and for the woman who is so much a part of me. I came out to my wife and told her this is something that is me, not something I do. I need to express all of me in all my forms. After much discussion she began to accept and now is my staunchest supporter.

I have finally realized that this is most certainly going to end, once and for all, when I die!!

[Glenda58]

I also was 52 when I figured it was never going to stop. I can slow it down at times but never stop it.

[Stephanie47]

My first interest in women's clothing was nylon slips. My mother use to hang laundry to dry in our apartment, either in the hallway or the sole bathroom. In order to get to my bedroom I had to negotiate through a maze of hanging laundry which included her full slips. I loved the feel of those nylon slips. The material was totally different than my cotton tee shirts, flannel shirts or dungarees which is what jeans were called in the 1950's. I use to caress the material. Finally I decided to put one on, and, i was hooked. Putting on a nylon slip strictly for the sensation of the fabric on the body is not really cross dressing. And, at that age there was nothing sexual about it. In my teen years for some unknown reason I went further and got into the lingerie draw and tried on panties, slips, girdles and stockings. Finally I added a sun dress. As I became aware of sexuality I felt self loathing. I felt I must be gay which was not accepted at all in the 1950's and 1960's. I backed off dressing and it left my life. I went through college and a brief military stint without any draw toward cross dressing.

Then I got married to a very attractive, sexy and adventurous woman. She looked great in nighties which were almost all nylon. Well, that rekindled my interest. We ended up shopping on occasion for nylon gowns, hosiery and a garter belt for me. This all occurred in the early 1970's. There was still a lot of self loathing involved in the dressing aspect. I came to terms with it. I realized cross dressing had absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality. I always was strictly into women. So, the end result is DADT with the recognition cross dressing is not going to go away. So the date I would say I realized all this in my mid 30's.

[Tina B.]

Another child of the olden days, I was born in the forties, grew up mostly in the fifties, when things like this where never talked about.
I discovered the thrill of dressing when I was around 6 or 7. I had the good sense to kept it to myself, I was only caught once and it was passed off as kids playing dress up. Although Dad made it clear guys don't dress like that, not even for play. When I got old enough to get interested in girls, I forgot about dressing, except on a few occasions when no one was home but me. After high school, I went into the service and didn't think about dressing until after I got out. Then during my first marriage, I was under a lot of pressure. and was spending a lot of my time stressed out. The old need to dress came swooping back, and I gave in to it. Being a somewhat honest person, I told my wife about it. a year latter I was single again. I buried the desire again, got a new job and started a new life. After my second marriage, and under stressful times again, I felt the need to start dressing again, and I was already in the middle of a marriage that was breaking down. I was around 29 at the time, and realized, this was not going away, and I couldn't hide in my own home, it just would not work for me. So we talked, and found that a lot of our problems where caused by that big secret I had been caring around all my life.
I made my wife understand that it wasn't going to go away, and if that was a deal breaker I understood, but she didn't see it as being as big a deal as I had. By my early thirties I had a very full wardrobe, and had become a very happy closeted dresser. Oh, and I'm another one that would fight to make sure it doesn't go away, it's to big a part of me.

[MarisaRose.]

Right after my first divorce, I was 29 yrs old, once I had the run of the house again and it was all over. I started shopping and dressing, I looked in the mirror and thought, " how am I ever going to make this work? " been at it ever since...

[Vanessa5]

A long long long time ago. I had a girlfriend and she told me "stop that it isn't normal". I tried but eventually succumbed to the thrill of pantyhose. All the times I have tried to stop and failed just made me miserable. Now I just accept it and move on...

[Janine cd]

It took me four purges over the course of about 30 years before I accepted the fact that I am destined to dress for the rest of my life. Once I came to that realization, life has been much happier.

[Julie 29]

For me I felt the need to crossdress when I was 14. I was too afraid to. It wasn't that I was 29 that I realized it's not going away. I also bottled up all my emotions as well. I feel so much better for coming out. Talking to and hanging out with other like minded individuals.

[Melissa in SE Tn]

Cding has been a very recent awareness for this old fart. I dressed when hit with the perfect storm: serious family sickness, threat of losing my job & other stressors. I realized that I was & forever will be a Crossdresser when I dressed earlier this year & an incredible sensation of inner peace took over my body. That sensation only continues to grow... and I love that feeling. More men need to shed their stressors by cding. In my opinion, there is no better drug or therapy on this planet .

[Savannah_Skye]

I am still realizing it will not go away...guess it's just where I am at. But then again, I really don't want it to go away as it's part of me.

[Diane Smith]

I have had crossdressing inclinations all my life -- certainly from well before age 5 -- and often added androgynous touches to my appearance even as a child (heels, earrings, lipstick, polished nails, etc.). But something finally "clicked" in the summer of 1997, when I was 40, and I realized this was for life, I was going to be more open about it, and any future partners were going to know about it from the beginning. Since then, I've been out more and more often, have standing appointments for hair and nails, shop openly, have made a few permanent changes in my appearance, and have probably quadrupled the size of my wardrobe. It was a very sudden thing -- I was on vacation in Arizona and almost literally woke up one morning determined to go shopping and get a set of acrylic nails (which I've kept up ever since). I don't know exactly what caused it, but it felt right, and has influenced my life's direction ever since.

- Diane

[charlenesomeone]

Having purged so many times I can't count, from a handful of items to two big bins,
I know now it is here to stay. Committed to not purge even if I stop which I doubt will happen
soon as I dress some each day. Each must find their own balance.

[heather ann martin]

It's never gone, and never will. I'm a woman, this is something I know to be true. Always and forever.

[njcddresser]

For my entire life, I always knew it was there. I never really accepted it, but knew it was something I enjoyed.

A year ago, I finally accepted this part of me and came out to myself and to my wife. I now know that this is who I am and it is a big and important part of me. It has been an amazing year and I have never been happier or more at peace with myself.

I could now never imagine supressing it.

[Claire Cook]

As much as I would repress it during much of my life (see previous post) (http://(http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?220389-What-was-it-that-got-you-through-the-tough-times&p=3622932#post3622932) deep down I knew it was part of me. Accepting (and embracing) that fact has made a big difference in my life.

[annecwesley]

After 30 years of trying to get it out of my system with purges, avoidance, and marriage I finally accepted that this would not go away on my very first visit to a Psychiatrist. My wife insisted that I go after she found my stash (that was the last purge, though an involuntary one). Now I wish I had told her 25 years before and gone to counseling then.

[il.dso]

Great and relevant question.
When I got married in my twenties, I thought I would stop.
When I hit 30, I thought I would stop at 40.
When I hit 40, I thought I would stop at 50.
When I hit 50....well, seems less and less likely that I'll ever stop.
In fact, cross dressing only seems to be getting better and better and better!

[Amanda L.]

Hi Adz
lovely to see you putting up a post and a very good to boot.
I thought it had gone away after about age 13/14. Life became normal, according to social parameters and there was no thought of frocking up. Every now and then there would be a funny sensation stimulated by a picture or touch of a fabric or even a spoken word that would trigger the recesses of my mind but I pushed it down.
So life continued. Got married, had 2 boys (great fellas), built a career, got a mortgage, variety of cars, occasional fetish behaviour etc,etc
Then 2 years ago the pressure created from keeping this side of me bottled up exploded. I had this massive uncontrollable urge to dress up. So I did , in my wife's clothes. Apart from the feeling of shame I knew that this was something that was always in me. I still thought it would go away but was wrong. My girl was out and she wanted to flex her stockinged legs.
When my wife left (for work purposes) I was left to live on my own. So the shopping online started and the realisation hit that this is something I do for me and I need to do it.
Full acceptance I don't think happened until about 8 months ago. I am comfortable with my femininity and despite some steep climbs and rapid drop offs I am loving every twist and turn of this rollercoaster ride.
If a cure was released tomorrow I doubt I would take it. This is so much fun and ultra enjoyable
Luv
Amanda
xx

[IamAmy]

I've had the urge to dress since I was around 7. On and off I've thought about it and repressed it until I couldn't keep it in . A few months ago (I'm now 31) I snapped and had to let it out and come to the realisation that this is a part of who I am and I have to embrace the Amy who is so excited to be out in the open.

[PaulaQ]

I'm apparently also kind of a slow learner. I only realized these feelings weren't going away last year, in 2013, at the age of 49. I felt like this was an addiction of some type - that I only felt OK when presenting as a woman. It took me a couple of months to realize the truth - that I was, and always had been, a woman, that I was powerless over my gender, and that death was preferable to continuing to live a lie. I started my transition a few months later.

[sometimes_miss]

It took me until I was in the middle of my marriage, when the desire to crossdress came back with a vengeance. I had spent about the previous eight years without crossdressing. As stress mounted in my life, so did the desire to crossdress. At first, I thought it was a defense mechanism by which I was avoiding feeling stress about everything else; but I later discovered that the desire to crossdress is simply there all the time, and stress over other things simply overwhelmed my ability to suppress the desire to crossdress along with all the other problems I had to deal with.

[Dava76]

For me it comes and goes. I'll dress for a week straight then not dress for a month. Excluding panties of course. Lol

[Karen kc]

probably 1996, when we got our first computer, then I realised that I wasnt the only hard working, redneck, country boywho wears ladies clothes!!

[Renee Elise]

Last year when I ordered my first sweater dress, pantyhose and heels. Reading a number of books and doing some online research about other dressers was incredibly helpful, and helped me realize I too am a member of the club. It's nothing to be ashamed of really, but something that few people really understand so I also decided to keep it just to myself and other girlfriends. Now that I've gotten to know my inner lady, I know it's something I will always do and it's a wonderful feeling :).

[suchacutie]

I took only a few nanoseconds that first time I was dressed (age 55) to realize that Tina had always been with me. A couple of seconds later it was just as clear that not only was she never leaving, but that it would make no sense for her to leave since I would have to change my personality for her to leave!

How her presence will be manifest in the future can never be predicted. Will she present herself more or less? Not a clue.

But even if I were never to transform into her presentation again, she would still be a part of me.