What was it that got you through the tough times?

[Sarah Doepner]

The idea for this question came up in my response to the "How old were you when you decided it wasn't going away" thread. In there I wrote;

"I had started to come to terms with it a few years earlier, not really accepting that it would be with me for the rest of my life, but acknowledging it was part of my personality and I'd better figure some things out or go nuts. So basically I spent my teens through my mid-40's dealing with something I didn't understand, couldn't control and never shared with anyone else. I'm amazed that I'm not terribly damaged and can't tell you to this day what really got me through."

Maybe it was staying busy on life with my family, being involved in my career or doing things with friends, but none of that actually helped me with my crossdressing, it just diverted my attention from it. While those things made the rest of life valuable the elephant was still in the closet. It's possible that the desire wasn't strong enough to need a resolution at the time and when things finally boiled over I was able to accept it as part of my world. I just don't know.

What helped you keep things stable during times of conflict between your crossdressing and the rest of life?

[RADER]

I always wondered the same thought, would I out grow the wanting to dress?
I think I found the answer to the question when I found this site some years back;
I found that I was not the only one with these desires, Not that I new others where
out their like me. But there where a lot more than I thought, and many with the same desires.
Now that I am retired, I have much more time to indulge in my fantasizes, even though I stay
in the "Closet" I am truly enjoying myself.
Rader

[Molly James]

Hi Sarah,

I suspect I'm far too briefly along my journey to know the real answer to this having dabbled a bit in CD'ing as a teen then suppressed it for pretty much the next 30 years but now, seeing as its well & truly back (& with bells on!) I suppose my opening answer is my wife's general acceptance (albeit on & off) of my need to dress. As a teen, I dressed in what was available to me at the time whilst now I'm buying (or having bought for me occasionally) clothes, wigs, shoes, make-up & jewellery so my CD'ing has never been more serious as it is now & therefore my answer may well change or at least expand in the near future but, for now, it is definitely how my wife is dealing with the situation.

Great question Sarah - be interested in what the other more established girls think.

GiGi,

[heather ann martin]

My Mum, my big sister June, my best friend Jean.

[Kate Simmons]

Mostly the fact that others depended on me being me Hon. :)

[Megan Thomas]

I'm not sure I was able to keep things totally stable but what helped me through the most turbulent times was my work. My work because, being fairly senior, I could both immerse myself to whatever extent I wanted and because it involved a lot of travel and therefore the freedom to indulge.

[Annaliese]

Sarah, the same family, work, long hours, busy, now I reflect on it all, I am having a harder time these tough time. Knowing and can't do anything about it.

[Yoshisaur]

For me It was primarily my friends, family, and school work.

[Teresa]

Sarah,
I nearly didn't make it through ! A combination of accepting responsiblities and medication and some theapy pulled me through but only just !
I'm not claiming to be unique all I know is I worked myself to a standstill through the years to prove I was a man and bury my CDing and the shame and guilt that went with it !
As men especially ones committed to marriage,morgages,children and my case self employed business we put on a continuous act, to prove so many sterotypes ! Not all succeed in this but throw in gender related issues like Cding and it can sometimes be almost impossible !
I can look back now with some pride that I have achieved what I have despite part of my brain being somewhere else ! It has come at a price my son commented to my wife recently that he can see now I've burnt myself out ! My wife knows why but my son doesn't, but I'm far from a failure in either's eyes ! Looking at in that way I think if my son did know I don't think he would turn against me, my wife hasn't, she does respect me for what I've given them !

[Sarah Doepner]

I should add a little more. About 18 months ago, after 6 year battle with cancer my wife passed away. I had retired early in her disease, becoming a full time caregiver. After the dust of funerals and all that had settled I found myself with lots of time on my hands and nothing standing in the way of dressing more and more. However since she was my only confidant in the family I moved back into the closet. Now I'm dressing more frequently but the fears of someone stopping in are more of a concern than ever (family lives within walking distance). Of course since I don't want to be discovered I really don't get involved in doing anything productive around the house either. I don't want to be so distracted that I get an unexpected visit. Times are getting strange and kind of tough as I'm wanting to dress more but have no on in the family to provide support. I've noted in other posts that I'm considering sharing this with my adult children one of these days, but I haven't convinced myself yet. Without job or other external things to distract me, that growing desire to dress and the understanding that it's part of me that isn't going away I'm set up to do something that I may regret. It's possible the years of surpressing and hiding will win out. Maybe it means I need to have someone new in my life. I don't know, but I'm looking for something else to help get through a new tough time.

Thank goodness I have a CD support group with friends locally and at least one opportunity a month to get out. That helps, but I'm thinking I need something else as I attempt to navigate constantly changing waters. This forum doesn't help me control the dressing, only makes it more desireable. I could stay away but I like you all too much to do that.

[ArleneRaquel]

Liking, actually loving ladies clothes, makeup and the rest has never bothered me. I just took what came my way. In my world view I believe that I have been truely blessed.

[kimdl93]

Well, sadly, I endured some episodes of instability before I came to grips with and accepted myself as transgendered. To the extent that I was able to endure the long years of denial and self reproach it was because I loved my family more than I despised myself...both my immediate family and my extended family.

[Amy Fakley]

For me, it was music. I poured more frustration and angst into it than you could imagine. Still, I'm not sure it was really a case of "getting through it" as much as fighting and losing a very long war of attrition.

[heather ann martin]

My Mum, my Auntie Cathy, and my big sister June.

[Allison Chaynes]

I'll probably get censored for giving an honest answer, but alcohol at first and God later.

[Melissa18]

Hi Sarah,
Thank you for post on my thread, it was great to read all the different responses.

What got me through the conflict between life and CDing was the usual, family work, and excerice, I find when I'm exercising my mind is on that and nothing else, weirdo?
Though my main release was, and all through my life, Ive read everything I could about CD and transgender, either fiction or non fiction, magazine articles or television and radio program, and of course this forum has been great,
By reading and listening I sort of got a better understating about me, though it still took me until a year or so ago to really accept it that my CDing want going away!

[Teddie]

A great wife!

[Beverley Sims]

Luckily I had little conflict, again it was a great loving spouse.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Sarah, I really didn't know that I had a problem, I always thought I ad something special.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

fear,alcohol,family and work I guess got me through the first 56 years of my life.

[JamieTG]

I've always had low self esteem and guilt feelings about this. I love to exercise and compete in running races, triathlons, ect. I found that by focusing on my training and an upcoming race, I could distract my mind long enough to ease the inner turmoil. My emotions are never balanced however. I go from the euphoric feelings or "runners high" after my morning run back to the negative feelings after it wears off.

[Zoe B]

Originally I had me until I met my wife. I still remember the day she sat next to me and said 'you want to dress don't you, I get to do the make-up' it was at that moment years of pressure just vanished.

[Sarah Doepner]

I appreciate the input here. There is a lot of experience that can be shared and hopefully help others who are hitting the brick wall.

It seems there are a couple of non-destructive paths through the tough times here. One is early acceptance of crossdressing as part of your life, either as normal or as a gift to be explored. That is what we would hope for and pretty much avoids the "tough times" as far as the self doubt goes. The other seems to be accepting the value of the necessities in life; family, work, exercise, other friends, entertainment, faith, etc. and cultivate distractions until such time as we can learn enough about ourselves and move on. It seems, with this early sample, that having support is a major benefit and comes from places like this forum, support groups and best of all from family or significant others.

There are also the negative distractions, alcohol and drugs have come up as examples that work but have the potential for disaster. Sometimes the distractions, even the 'good' ones can be some of the tough times if they are seen only as distractions from what we want rather than an important part of life regardless of any gender issue. How can we cultivate that positive attitude? What tricks work that get you through the self doubt or bouts of pink fog?

[Laurie A]

Staying busy with my career and business, raising kids, exercising a lot to fight off depression, (self medicating with red wine when I wasn't exercising)... all those things kept my mind and body occupied, and distracted. Now that I'm a bit older and my life has slowed down some, the things that caused my anxiety and depression just don't seem so damn important anymore. Go figure :)

[docrobbysherry]

While I may be going thru some issues similar to u, Sarah, I didn't have to deal with this "dressing thing" until I was over 50. The first 10 years of dealing with it all alone were quite experimental and chaotic. Coming out here 7 years ago has brought more clarity. But, breathing the Pink Fog here doesn't help me know where I'm going with this or why?

These r the things I've figured out so far:

I'm a CD and not TS.

I have told my immediate family because one still lives at home and would have eventually "caught" me.
I don't wish or need to tell my other friends or business associates.

I'm having a hell of a CD good time for someone my age and have a whole new group of younger friends now. But, I keep these friends and activities away from my family and regular friends. Which tends to isolate me.

I worry about how far Sherry mite go? Where is all this leading me? And, when and how it will end?

I wish I had some solid advice for u my friend. But, breathing the Pink Fog leads us all down our own personal rabbit holes! I would say just follow the path that feels rite for u. I trust u to find it. Meanwhile? We r always here for u!:hugs:

[carhill2mn]

The simple answer is a strong belief that I was a good person, in spite of the often negative things yelled at me by my wife.

[Carlene]

For me, family, work, and a dedication to exercise all worked against me and these were the bad times with regard to feeling complete. I undertook all of these things without regard for gender dysphoria. Crossdressing was infrequent and I had no idea that it would someday become very important to me. Life had become little more than a series of extremely serious tasks. There was little joy in my life.

As responsibilities declined I became more open to embarking on a journey of self-discovery. This journey, I believe, will save me. I now feel a greater sense of self-satisfatction, a completeness, if you will. With acceptance comes the potential for joy!!

Carlene

[Tina_gm]

Sarah, I literally just read my own life story with your post. Although there are still days of struggle simply because, overall I no longer hate myself. I no longer feel I am a failure. I now dress, not often but some. My wife now knows. She isn't fond of it, but accepts that it is a part of me. It will likely always be a struggle at times. But less than it used to be. What has gotten me through then and now, especially now is that I look at the big picture, and see I have more in life that is good than bad. In the end, it's not the clothes I have on, but the person I am inside.

[charlenesomeone]

T

Maybe it was staying busy on life with my family, being involved in my career or doing things with friends, but none of that actually helped me with my crossdressing, it just diverted my attention from it. While those things made the rest of life valuable the elephant was still in the closet. It's possible that the desire wasn't strong enough to need a resolution at the time and when things finally boiled over I was able to accept it as part of my world. I just don't know.


Same here, many hobbies, work and family. Wondering where it is going to go.
Char

[Claire Cook]

My story is similar to others here -- much in the closet (err, my Mom's...) as a kid, then maybe 30 years of career and family things that kept my TG buried. Maybe one thing that repressed me in high school and college was that gay guys would hit on me, and I wanted no part of that. Anyway, my wife has been my biggest supporter (in all aspects of my life) and I fully embraced myself about 15 years ago. Haven't looked back since!

[sometimes_miss]

OK this is the 'readers digest condensed' version. you'll have to read the whole thing in my bio which can be found by the link in my signature below.
I discovered that I will always feel like I was supposed to be a girl, because that concept was repeatedly told to me while I was going through primary and middle school, and during those years some things such as sexual identity gradually become permanent. So the thought is always in the back of my mind that i'm in the wrong clothes, the wrong role. But I live with it, adapted to learn to behave and dress like a standard issue male. I discovered that I was particularly susceptible to wanting to crossdress when I was deprived of physical touch, physical affection. I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about basic physical contact. It was discovered that infants who are not held by caregivers for adequate time develop severe personality problems. This is indisputable. It's been proven. But for some bizarre reason, no one (other than myself as far as I know) has considered that affection deprivation can have profound effects on us throughout out lives. Women can more easily rectify it; they are allowed physical touch with each other, or can get at least some by enticing males with sex. Men have no such availability; we can't touch each other, and unless we have mate, women won't touch us either, and of course a single man embracing children will probably be jailed. But men don't understand the need for affection; we're driven to have sex, and when we feel the need for affection, we're horny too so we mistake that need for the other; you see it all the time with a progression of one night stands; the empty feeling, and the need to go after it again and again.
I satisfied my affection needs with lapdancers. I go to a gogo bar, pick out a friendly girl, and then when she tries the bump and grind routine, tell her to stop, and just hug her for the duration, hold her head to my chest, play with her hair, etc., no sexual stuff whatsoever. It works. Quite expensive, but it works for me.
Sex urges? We can satisfy that ourselves. But you can't give yourself a hug.

[Joni T]

My best friends (my dogs) got me through 2 divorces.
Joni

[Janine cd]

My strong belief in myself as being normal for having the desire to dress as a woman. Also, a loving and compassionate family to support me.

[Karen kc]

If I had the desire to dress, and could"nt. I would always say to myself "its for my family" over and over and over it helped

[Sarah Beth]

When I was younger, oh so much younger, it was alcohol and doing wild crazy stupid dangerous things. A bit later on after I was married it was staying busy with work and family things. Finding things to do with my wife that would distract me.

I always found it hard to keep myself distracted because, especially after I got married, there were was always something around to remind me. The wives clothes, although my wife never wore a lot of makeup, the lipstick or powder, the smell in the bathroom of her shampoo and perfume. Things like that which not only attracted me to her but made it so difficult to deal the whole inner me I was trying so hard to repress.

[PaulaQ]

How did I deal with it?
1. Vodka - a lot of vodka
2. After gaining sobriety, being an awful workaholic.

I think my desire to be my children's father, and a good man for my wife also helped.


In the long run, nothing stopped it.

[Tina B.]

Close family ties, although I kept my transgenderiesm to myself, family love helped a lot. Then as an adult I had to find other ways.
Drugs and Alcohol got me through a whole lot of bad times and self hate.
But the "cure" was finding a good women that loves me as is, warts, dresses and all!

[Seana Summer]

What helped me keep life on track was always looking toward the future. Having goals and persistently working toward them. Most of these goals had very little to do with crossdressing and at times conflicted with crossdressing. So, being analytical, I looked at what choices would bring me the most reward.

Bear in mind this though, I am a CD with a fairly strong desire to dress, but it is not so overpowering that I think I must be crossdressed 24/7

A few years ago I came to these conclusions:
this desire has been with me from early on and will not likely go away anytime soon
there are many others almost exactly like me out there (comfort in numbers I guess)
it is not illegal, so if managed well, it will have very little downside risk

Crossdressing has just became a natural part of me, and once I accepted it as part on myself all that guilt and shame went away. It just dose not seem weird to me anymore. It just seems weird to the general public ......and if you want to see weird take a look at what some of those people are doing:lol:

[Sarah Doepner]

A continuing thanks to those responding here and in PMs. I appreciate the insights, sharing and chance to continue working on something that seems to be an issue with some in our community.

It seems like the distractions may not be negative but offer a chance to lose ourselves in something else for a while and regain our footing. That little bit of breathing space, working, time on a hobby, or spending time with others helps us reconnect with the parts of ourselves that have already been validated by others. It can give a person some strength for their foundation as they attempt to build that new or variant gender identity that has not been through the same process. We need that self worth, not the questioning that has driven so many to destructive or negative decisions.

Basically what I'm seeing here is we can benefit during difficult times by walking away from the crossdressing as we get stronger in other areas. Once we see we have value as an individual, part of a family or part of something bigger than ourselves, we can get back to work on our gender identity issues. We've seent that purges are basically a waste of time and resources and breaking up families has terrible consequences for more than just the frustrated crossdresser. I'd suggest if you are thinking of doing that, just store your things while you work on strengthing the other parts of your life. Take as much time as you need because you may find that your subconscious is probably working in the background on the things that brought you to the brink already.

Is this making sense to anyone else or am I just fabricating justifications for what I want to do anyway?